Original subtitles

Previously on The Last Man On Earth...

Living apart will destroy this group.

Todd, wake up! I don't know what's wrong!

I think Todd had a heart attack!

I'm glad you're still here, bud.

Clearly, we're much worse apart.

But if we're all gonna live together,

it's definitely not gonna be in this craphole.

This place has great energy.

I think we're home.

She looks nice.

Here, honey, let me get that.

No, don't you dare.

You just had a heart attack.

Now, come on, hon. We don't know it was a heart attack.

You were yelling "heart attack" while it was happening.

You're overreacting, hon.

I promise you, I am fine.

I'm glad you have this positive attitude,

but we can't take this lightly.

There are gonna have to be a lot of changes around here.

No, okay, and that's fine, but I can get my own bag, you know?

Todd.

Fine.

Be my guest.

My God, Dawn, we get it, you're a baby!

Stop being such a stereotype.

Maybe you should just leave her outside.

I'm seriously starting to consider it.

Dawn, I feel bad even joking like that.

But seriously, Dawn, shut your boobhole.

Amen to that.

A rival cartel,

on my property, in my home,

just strolls through my gates.

It appears we have a snake in our midst.

No, Abuela, therethere is no snake.

Then it is your incompetence?

Nono, it was not my fault. They disabled...

Prove to me that you are not incompetent.

Ten seconds.

Close.

Just four moves away.

Clean this up.

We have to do something soon.

Or we could be next.

Okay, grab some bubbles

and just wrap anything that looks dangerous.

I'm talking chokeables, flammables, decapitateables.

Ooh! What do we have here?

A little Rubik's Cube.

A little Ruby Booby.

Used to be pretty good at these?

Ooh, and look at that.

A little Mexican flare.

They love their skulls down here.

Tandy, put that down, okay?

This house isn't gonna babyproof itself.

- Be right there. - Tandy, this baby's due

any day now, and this place is a disaster waiting to happen.

What about all that talk about how this place

had such great energy?

Well, Shark Tanks have great energy,

but that doesn't mean I'm gonna walk into that room

without a great business plan.

Okay, lost me there.

Shark Tanks... The TV show, not the thing.

Look, the point is, when you're a little baby with a soft skull

and poor depth perception, every house is a death trap.

But this one won't be, not when we're through with it.

All right.

Now, will you be a dear and bubble wrap that for me?

- This? - Yeah.

This thing right here?

This appears to be a tube of bubble wrap

already bubble wrapped with bubble wrap.

And you would like me to bubble wrap it again?

There's a fork in there.

Is it done?

Where did you place it?

Is that my pi�ata?

S�, Abuela.

Tie it up.

Ay, que averguenza.

Just give up now.

Where you been, Hector?

It is your birthday.

I wanted your pi�ata to be just right.

No, no.

I want Panchito to have the first swing.

No, I couldn't.

Course you can.

You've been a loyal and trusted friend.

But it is your birthday.

And when it is your birthday, I will take the first swing.

Por supuesto, jefe.

You can do better than that.

There.

It's right in front of you.

Federales!

V�monos, muchachos!

Pronto, v�monos!

Alto!

Well, these stairs are an obvious hazard,

but nothing a couple packing peanuts can't fix.

Packing peanuts?

Yeah, packing peanuts.

You don't want our baby getting SIFILISS.

Syphilis?

Syphilis?

You know, Sudden Infant Falling.

Into Large Indoor Spaces Syndrome?

I thought you meant the other one.

No, I'm talking about the bad one.

Hello, Todd. New wheels?

Yup. Melissa wants me to stay off my feet, so...

Todd.

Where's your helmet?

I got it.

Can you put it on, please?

You know, I just really don't think

I need a helmet, hon.

Todd, you have another heart episode, you pass out,

you fall out of your chair, you hit the floor,

boom, you're dead.

Okay, put it on.

Ooh, Speed Racer over there.

See? It's cute.

Well, this has been fun.

Take it easy, Knievel.

Let me know if you jump any buses later.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no.

- What? - That's not for you.

That's for us, okay.

This is for you.

Try this. You're gonna love it.

Great. If I were a starfish, I'd be in friggin' heaven.

Hey, mister.

Strap up, please.

I want to hear it click.

Did you hear it?

Ridiculous.

God. My God.

Is she still fussing?

No. She's super calm, Gail.

She's loving life.

Friggin' Mary Poppins over here.

Okay, blow it out your butt.

- I'm on your team here. - I'm sorry, I just...

I don't know what to do.

Okay, well, lucky for you, this ain't my first rodeo.

Have you tried whiskey on her lips?

No.

- Scotch? - No.

- Wine? - No.

Vodka? Schnapps?

A teeny bit of Listerine?

I'm not gonna roofie my baby, Gail.

Hey, why don't we try driving her a little bit?

Sometimes the motion of the car calms them down.

All right, sure. Let's give it a shot.

No, you can't give a baby a shot.

I'm telling you, just the teeniest little...

Okay, I got you. I got you on... I see what you were saying.

- You got it? - Yup, yup.

- All right. Let's go. - Okay.

'Cause I thought you were talking about shots. - No.

Aah! I'm a baby and I'm falling!

All right, think we're good here.

Looks like our baby won't be getting SIFILISS, after all.

He or she is much more likely to get HERPESS.

Herpes?

High Elevation Rugrat Positively Evades Staircase Syndrome.

That's music to my ears.

Good. Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna take a little breakaroonie.

No, no. There's so much left to do!

You're telling me. I mean, this cube isn't gonna rube itself.

Okay. You can play your game,

- but on one condition. - What's that?

You be the one to tell our child

that the reason they only have one eye

is because their father chose to play a game

instead of covering

all the exposed cactus needles with corks.

- Carol... - Agree to the condition!

Where are you going?

To cork the cacti!

Tandy.

Puzzle rhombus.

God!

I just don't get it.

This baby has run from a nuclear holocaust,

been stranded on a deserted island, lost at sea,

and witnessed two murders,

one decapitation and a headless body riding a Jet Ski.

Now we're settled in a beautiful house and she's going nuts.

It just doesn't make any sense.

Maybe the house is haunted.

Come on, Gail. You don't seriously believe in ghosts.

I do believe there is another dimension.

Okay, you're crazy.

Okay, well, tell me, professor,

- how did the world start? - The Big Bang.

And then, what are the physics behind that? I forget.

Well, the physics of that are you being a jerk right now. -.

- Well, I'll have you know that you're... - Gail, watch out!

She stopped crying. She must be traumatized.

Hey, listen.

There she goes again.

Hey. I'm gonna try something here.

Gail, what are you doing?

Slow down!

Gail! Aah!

Just as I suspected.

Looks like we got an adrenaline junkie baby on our hands.

What are you doing?

So, what, I can't pop and lock now?

It's too much, you're gonna overload your system!

No, Melissa, this is my outlet

so that I don't overload my system!

Then you need to find a new outlet!

Okay, you know what, I've had just about enough of this.

Todd, you're stressing your heart... just calm down.

No! You know what, I am done being calm.

And I am done with this wheelchair.

And I'm done with this stupid helmet.

- Unstrapping! - Todd,

don't you dare take that helmet off.

Todd...

Look, I am not a child, okay? I am a man!

And I cannot live like this!

Look, I am sorry that I am trying to help you.

But finding you in that grocery store was

the worst moment of my life.

And I am so scared to lose you.

But if you don't care, then fine, take off your helmet.

Eat all the junk food you want.

But I am not gonna sit here and watch you kill yourself.

Bud, bud, bud. You got this all wrong.

Let me show you the magic of the pi�ata.

Here, hand me that pokerlhardlyknewher.

Thank you.

Okay, now, this thing is a friggin' candy bomb.

And the object is to knock the crap out of it

to get to the candy center.

It's the same basic technology behind the Tootsie Pop.

So, what you do is you blindfold yourself,

and then you do a couple spinsies.

Like this.

Okay, let's dance.

Okay, that was not...

That is not pi�ata.

Okay, now, normally I wouldn't peek, okay.

Because that's cheating. Okay.

- But since this is more of a tutorial... - Tandy!

Tell me you did not just spray glass shards

all over the ground.

I'm babyproofing, and you are doing the reverse!

You're... foorpybabing!

I am not, Carol, and I take offense at that!

Okay, if anything, I'm doing the reverse of foorpybabing...

I'm, babbyproffing.

Don't worry, I'll do it myself.

Look, but you... there's nothing left to do.

We have to be ready for everything!

We don't know what's gonna happen in the future.

So some things we're just gonna have to take as they come.

But I'm sure that in the moment we'll come up with a solution.

We always do.

- Do we? - Here, I'll show you.

Quick, there's a tsunami!

What do we do? Easy, get to higher ground.

Good God, a hurricane!

Sandbag moat.

No, a hail storm the size of doughnut holes!

Cottonlined football helmet.

- Tandy... - Carol, my point is

we can handle anything that comes our way.

That is not true, and you know it.

Okay, flash floods. Paper towel truck.

Sinkhole, pogo stick. Alien abduction, heavy shoes.

Those aren't the things about which I'm worried!

Then what the hell are you worried about?

The virus, Tandy!

The virus.

What are we gonna do if our baby gets the virus?

I don't know.

But if that happens,

none of this matters.

I know.

So, whwhy are you doing it?

Because it's the only thing I can do.

Won't be long.

You're scared.

Yes.

There's an old story

about a Chinese farmer who buys a horse.

A short while later, the horse runs away.

His neighbor says, "That's bad news."

The farmer responds,

"Good news, bad news, who can say?"

Three days later, the horse returns,

and with it, a herd of wild horses.

His neighbor, seeing his good fortune, congratulates him

on the good news.

The farmer responds, "Good news, bad news, who can say?"

The farmer gifts one of the horses to his son.

His son rides it, only to be thrown from its back,

badly breaking his leg.

"That's bad news," says the neighbor.

The farmer replies,

"Good news, bad news, who can say?"

Days later, the emperor summons every ablebodied young man

to fight in the war.

The farmer's son is spared.

What good news.

Good news, bad news, who can say?

It all depends where the story ends.

And that is the only thing in life we can predict.

The only thing we truly know.

Everybody's story ends the same way.

Death.

You thought my story was going to end today.

Good news, you might say.

But is there bad news around the corner?

Who can say?

No, Pancho. What are you doing?

It was you? You are the snake?

I thought you knew.

You were going to let me hit the pi�ata.

The bomb is not in the pi�ata.

Then where is it?

Who can say?

Synced and corrected by Octavia. www.addic7ed.com