All language subtitles for The Long.Weekend.2005.720p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-alfaHD.EN 23.976

Captioning made possible by
lions gate entertainment.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, shit!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh!

Oh!

Ooh! Ooh.

Jesus.

Ooh! Ooh! Uh. Oh, jeez.

Crowd: Ugh!

Woman: It hurts!

Ok.

Man, voice-over: I don't
suppose anyone remembers

the first moment
they open their eyes.

Push.

I sure don't.

But for my little
brother ed, I imagine this

is what the world looked like.

Doctor: Ho ho ho! Little man.

Man, voice-over: Because this is
how he'd see things...

All through childhood,
adolescence, and into adulthood.

You see, ever since he
was strong enough

to lift a video camera, he's had
one pressed to his face.

He didn't mind
what he was videoing

as long as he was videoing.

Ed. Hey. I don't
think we really need

to record Mr. Fiddlesticks

eating his own poop
for posterity.

Man, voice-over: Ok. He did get
some funny stuff, I'll admit,

but he didn't live life.

He viewed it, then
edited the best bits

and archived them.

I mean, he was barely aware
of monumental world events,

but he could tell you
the exact date

cousin Stevie gave up karate.

Uh!

Sure, the guy was a nerd,
but he was my brother,

and I loved him because he was
always there to capture

my many outstanding
stage performances.

O you the doors
of breath sealed

with a righteous kiss.

Boy: Way to go, buddy!
That's it!

Man, voice-over: And I hoped
he'd give it up

when he went to college.

Instead, he found a whole
new world of film.

Hey, ed.

Man, voice-over: But he never
made really good use

of his camera.

Unlike his roommate Jack...

Oh, Jack! Oh!

Jack, you're so big.
Oh, so hot.

Jack: Mmm.

Man, voice-over: He even had the
damn thing pressed to his face

when he met his
girlfriend Cathy.

Oh, shit. Aah!

Uh!

Jesus. I think I hit
a retarded man.

Man, voice-over: Sometimes
I think she was right.

After graduation,
they moved in together,

and ed got a job in advertising.

According to his boss,
he was a natural.

Ed...

You are a natural, my son.

You've won another award.

Now, you keep this up,
and I'll see what I can do

about getting you
a corner office.

Thank you, Frank.

Good boy.

A 5-buck tip?
5 bucks? That's it?

Was there something wrong
with your sandwich, sir?

Was the coffee cold?

No. The sandwich and
the coffee were fine,

but I ordered a cheeseburger
and an iced tea.

I'm sorry, man.

You need another 5? Here's 10.

Hey, thanks a lot.

Hey, what are brothers for?

Hey, I'm gonna get you back real soon.
I promise, man.

My agent says I am so close
to my first big break.

She said you were so
close 21/2 years ago.

Yeah, well, that was
21/2 years ago.

I have an audition for a Japanese
whiskey commercial tomorrow.

Do you believe it?

Cooper, you're in your mid-20s.

You've been doing this
acting thing for what...

6 years now?

Yeah, give or take.

I think it's time you moved on,

thought about the future,

become an adult, like I have.

Cooper, voice-over: Did I
mention he'd become

a tiny bit condescending?

Hey, Cathy, I picked up
your stuff from the cleaners.

Cathy?

Cathy?

Pumpkin.

Ed.

Jack, hi.

Hey.

Are you ill?

Uh...

Where's Cathy?

Cathy, what's going on?

Say something.

Ed, I don't think we should
see each other anymore.

What? No. Why?

No. What are you talking about?

I mean, this is fine.

I mean, we can
work it out, right?

I mean, a lot of people...

Jack, can I have
a moment with her?

Jack: Oh, yeah. Sorry, man.

A lot of people...

Have... Affairs, you know?

It doesn't mean they got
to break up, right?

Cooper, voice-over:
There are some things

I'll just never
understand about ed.

He could forgive Cathy
for blowing Jack...

But then totally lost it when
he saw she was filming it.

I helped him throw out
every camera

and his entire
obsessive-compulsive archive,

and rather than going on a mission to fuck
as many of Cathy's friends as possible,

ed just moved out and swore he'd
never touch a video camera again.

In an instant, ed had gotten
rid of Cathy and home video,

and I can't say I was sorry
to see either of them go.

I thought he'd finally
start exploring life,

having fun, getting pussy.

But he got even more
bottled up than before.

Ed, voice-over: Yeah, well,
my brother Cooper didn't know

is that I was living
a nightmare.

Dude, she is going crazy.

I shit you not.

She's digging her nails in.

She's screaming. She's moaning.

She's like, "oh, do me.
Do me. I feel like a whore."

Ed, voice-over: At random
moments, scenes from my archives

kept coming back into my head.

Stop! Stop! Stop!

She's like, "uh, uh, uh, uh!"

I'm like, "get off of it."

It's like dust coming out.

Ed, voice-over:
Or at the doctor's.

Doctor: Mr. Waxman, you may
feel a little discomfort.

Just try to relax.

Ed, voice-over: Even worse,
it affected me at work.

Mr. Mcintyre, I must say

that we here at Barnes,
butcher, leaver, malcher,

farquar, hidago, and roper

are one lucky
advertising agency

to have a client
as enlightened as yourself.

And I'm not just saying that.

Oh, thank you.

It is nothing
but elegant and classy.

That was you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I
present to you your new

ad campaign, which rolls
out nationwide next week.

Ed, if you'll do the honors.

"When I die, I'm leaving

"my coat to her.

Real fur. It's fur real."

Yeah!

Whoa, yeah! There it is.

That's what I'm talking about.

Whoo!

That's right! Yeah!

What a bunch of assholes.

Do you really think this
is gonna get people

to start wearing fur again?

My question falls into the
"who gives a fuck?" Category.

Mcintyre wanted that slogan,
and it's his damn money,

you know what I'm saying?

We're here to help people
sell their product,

not just agree with
whatever they say.

It's called keeping
the client happy.

I know this is
a new concept for you.

Remind me, how many
have you lost now?

4? Or is it 5?

A big agency like bblmfh&r

can handle a couple
of lost clients.

Hey, what's going on?

Great bridge insurance is
withdrawing its account from us.

Oh, shit.

I guess you heard
the news, huh?

Nervous?

I have nothing to be
nervous about.

I just stopped by
to bring you this.

You know, just a little
something to say

thanks for your help on
the mcintyre account.

Wow. Uh, thank you.

It's great. I didn't
mean the whole, um...

there's nothing in it.

Oh, the box. That's the gift.

I thought you might need something
to clear your desk into on Monday.

You're not my boss.
You can't fire me.

Ed, can I, uh,
see you in my office?

Ed, when I first hired you,

you were like a dynamo.

You had an unusual way
of looking at life,

and I liked that.

But after your intended did the
dirty on you, things have gotten...

I never let that
affect my work, Frank.

Well, let's see, shall we?

Skechers shoes...

"perfect for kicking
a man when he's down."

Kahn's antiseptic...

"not so good for when

"she's ripped your heart
out of your chest

and thrown it in the trash."

Yeah, but they're not
all like that.

Here. Look.

Pacific rim telephone,
only 3 cents a minute.

Only 3 cents a minute.

"The least she could do
is return his calls.

"He only wanted to make
sure she was ok.

"We can still make it work.

Just call for 3 cents
a minute."

So, what are you saying?

You're fired.

Aah!

Ok. What if I make
great bridge stay?

What if I come up
with a campaign

that'll win them back?

We have had the whole
creative department on this

for 6 months.

You think you can turn
it around by Monday?

Monday?

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm gonna make them stay.

I'm gonna come up
with a campaign.

If you do that,

you can not only keep your job,

you can have this office.

I'm not gonna let you down.

Man: Where are you
putting this?

Different man: Roger's office.

Hey. Hey, hey, put it down.

Put it down.
I'm on the payroll.

They took my coat.

Oh, ho ho.

Ooh.

Hey.

It's, uh, dead
animals in the shaft.

What animals?

Uh, rats or mice, cats.

Cats. Ahem.

The cats go in
after the mice and rats,

and then they get stuck,
and they starve and die.

Then they decompose, and
the rotting flesh releases

the offending odor
that you're smelling now.

I see.

Try breathing
through your mouth.

"Try breathing
through your mouth"?

Could this day suck any more?

Happy Birthday!

Oh. Oh, shit!

What are you doing?

It's your birthday.

I wanted to surprise you, huh?

What, by blinding me?

Oh, come on. That's what
big brothers are for.

Sit down. Now come on.

I got some presents for you.
We're all set.

Open it up. Open it up.

It's the bottle
of Glen kyoto. That's...

Hey, you know it.

Look at this. Wow.

That's a Glen kyoto t-shirt.

Oh, and this great
piece of artwork.

Wow. That's a Glen
kyoto ashtray.

Of course. That's uncanny

because just today I was thinking
about taking up smoking,

so...

Call that brotherly intuition.

Thank you, buddy.

Oh, don't thank me.

Thank the number-one- selling
Japanese rice whiskey

in the world.

Puts a roof over our head

and tastes delicious, right?

Oh, hey, this came for you.

Oh, yeah. Fan mail.

Oh, my God. Wouldn't
you like to have that

wrapped around your cock, huh?

Oh. Dirty, dirty. But I'd do her.
Would you do her?

You'd definitely
do her. Come on.

Oh! Oh.

Fat man in little panties.

Oh, that one's worse.

Oh, hey, I nearly forgot.

I got you one more present.

¶ Ba ba da ba ¶

well, what do you think?

Huh? Come on. This thing
is the very latest.

I swear to God, man.

You could shoot a cum shot

from a mile away
with this thing.

What's the matter?
You don't like it?

You know my promise...

I will never film another inch
of home video footage again.

Ed, it's been over a year
since Cathy dumped you.

She didn't dump me.
It was mutual.

Oh! Uh! Shit!

Ed, you love home video, man.

I mean, don't you think
it's time you got over her

and that stupid little promise?

Hey, ed, come on, man.

This thing's perfect.

I got work to do.

Come on, man. I tell you what.

Cathy and Jack would be happy
to have a camera like this.

Cooper: Wait a minute. Ed.

Hey, ed. Ed,
wait a minute, man.

You got to go out.
It's your birthday.

I'm gonna have to take
a rain check on that.

But it's your birthday.

You got to go out.
It's the law.

I have to work, or I'm toast.

Cooper: We'll go to gonegan's.

We'll have a quiet
drink between two brothers.

What do you say?

No. I can't.

Hey, you're not gonna
achieve anything

staring at these 4 walls.

Art imitates life, right?

And you need a life. Come on.

Ha ha. That-a boy.

Come on. This will be fun.

You never told me.
How was that audition?

I didn't get a call-back.

No way! Did they
give you a reason?

I didn't technically
make it to the audition.

Got a little sidetracked,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, jeez.

Isn't gonegan's to the right?

Oh, yeah. Just got to quickly
pick up a couple of friends.

I thought this was just
gonna be the two of us.

It is. The two of us
and a couple of girls.

I can't believe you.

What? Come on.
You'll love these girls.

They're total sweeties.

And susie is definitely
your type.

Coopie.

Hi, Jo.

Uh, susie, this is
my brother ed.

Hello.

Hi.

Um, I got to go
finish my makeup.

Coopie, will you come with me?

It's his birthday.

Uh, should we open this?

Don't bother. We
already got one open.

There you go.

Thank you.

It's delicious.

Jo: Oh, I'm a whore. Yeah.

Ahem. Uh...

Jo: Spank me.

Spank me, daddy.

Cooper: Oh! Oh, yeah.

So, what do you do?

I'm a nurse.

Wow. That's a tough job.

So few people are really making

a difference in the world,

and look at you.

You're out there
curing illnesses

and healing injuries
and saving lives.

I work in an abortion clinic.

Oh!

Right. So...

Whoo.

So, susie, was ed
here telling you

that he's an award-winning

advertising executive supremo?

The kid's a dynamo.

Hmm?

Oops.

Oh.

Who's hungry?

Cooper: And so ed runs
8 Miles...

and I'm not talking
your average

"over the river and through
the woods" here, ladies.

Oh, no. I'm talking the
most treacherous terrain

you can possibly imagine.

I'm talking jumping
over snake pits.

I'm talking about this man
was chased by wolves,

just to find somebody
with a phone

to then call the airborne
forest rangers,

who arrived just
in the Nick of time

to save the entire
boy scout troop.

Had it not been for my
brother's great determination

and sheer heroism,
they may have all died.

You're a genuine hero.

Is all that true?

Cooper may be
exaggerating a bit.

The bus actually
drove off the road

to avoid hitting me.

But he did run 8 Miles.

I mean, can you imagine?

Yeah, that's true.
In the wrong direction.

They were found
by a passing hiker,

and then he called out
the forest rangers,

and then they came in helicopters,
actually, and found me.

Now, the point here is, ladies,

that everyone was saved.

Ed: Yes.

There you go.

Except the guy
who lost his legs.

There was a guy who
lost his legs.

Cooper: Food!

Outstanding.

Ladies, let's
get it on here, huh?

The night is young.

Drink it up and enjoy.

All right, susie, let's go.

You know the game. Strip coasters.
Let's do it.

The top comes off.

Ok.

Got it.

Good catch. Lucky you.

Thank you, thank you.

Ok, your turn.

Cooper: All right, Eddie.
You're up.

Come on, now, buddy.
Show her you're an athlete.

He shoots. He scores! Huh?

Excellent shot.
Did you see that?

Ahem.

Would you excuse me
for a moment?

Where's the men's room?

Cooper: It's in the back there.

Ahem. Right or left?

Just follow your nose.

Good luck.

Oh, no.

Ohh.

Oh.

Oh, it burns.

No.

I can't wipe with that.

Oh, hey, hey, brother.

Hey, listen, do you mind
if you take susie home?

Where are you going?

Jo's not feeling well.

What's wrong with her?

You know, I'm not sure,

but I better take her home

and take her temperature...

vaginally, with my
flesh thermometer.

Susie's totally into
you, by the way.

Hey, man. Look alive.

Have some fun.

Ladies!

Jo, what do you say we get
the fuck out of here, huh?

Jo: I am ready for dessert.

Oh, yeah, and
spanking's on the menu.

Can I walk you home?

Sure, but I don't want you
to get the wrong idea.

I'm not that kind of girl.

Don't you think there's
something just so sexy

about the city at night?

There's something about knowing

that thousands of people all
around us are doing it.

Old people, married folks,

adulterers, teenagers,

virgins losing it
for the first time,

all enjoying the
intimate knowledge

of each other's hot bodies.

Shh. If you're really quiet,

you can almost hear
the rhythmic sound

of all that sex going on.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Yeah. Well, it was
really nice to meet you.

Um, good luck with everything.

Loser.

What are you doing here?

I live here. Where should I be?

6 inches inside susie.

She was my final
birthday present to you.

What?

A birthday present

from me to you.

A girl that doesn't
know how to say no.

She specifically told me
she wasn't interested.

All women say that.

It's just a hoop
they make you jump through.

Oh, man. I cannot believe
you didn't do her.

You know, she's
fucked everyone.

If you don't get
some action soon,

you could die of dsb.

Dsb?

Dangerous sperm buildup.

You think I haven't
been trying?

I mean, I keep striking out.

I'm crap with women.

Cooper: Then let me help you.

I'm serious. Let me help you.
Let me help you.

I have to work.

I can work around your work.

I'm spending this
weekend at the office.

Come on. I can be
your doctor of love.

I can be your
feelgood Professor.

You're not listening.

I will be your
pallbearer of pussy.

I can be your
psychiatrist of snatch,

give you the Bible
of Booty, buddy.

It'll be fantastic.
You can't stop me.

You know that.
And I'll help you.

I'll show you. It's a deal.

I know it is. You want
to make this deal.

You need this.

Stop!

Fine, but this cannot
interfere with my work.

All right.

It's a deal. Ho ho ho!

You're gonna get laid
this weekend, buddy.

What are you doing?

Coop, what are you doing?

When William the conqueror

landed on the English
shores in 1066,

he had his invading army
destroy their own boats.

He wanted them to know
that there was no going back.

They were either going
to conquer england,

or they were gonna die trying.

What's your point?

Ed, we're throwing away
your porn.

I don't have any porn.

What makes you think
I have porn?

All right, I got
a magazine lying

around somewhere, maybe.

I mean, fine. We can
throw that away.

Ok. Ok.

Well, at least
this explains why

we spent 4,000
a month on tissues.

Oh, check it out. First
targets of the day.

Now be cool.

Hey, ladies. What are two
beautiful women like you

doing in a dump like this, huh?

Ed: We're throwing
out the trash.

Well, I don't suppose
any of that

turns you ladies on.

Rug munchers.

I'll catch you later.

Cooper: Oh, hey,
wait a minute, man.

I thought we had a deal.

Yes, and the deal was,

it has to fit
around my schedule.

Hey, and I completely
stand by that,

but it is Saturday morning, the
perfect time to pick up women, man.

I mean, their
defenses are down,

and I know a place
where the women

are especially vulnerable
to our licentious advances.

Cooper: And voila...
attractive single mothers

on a beautiful
Saturday morning, huh?

Are you kidding?

As if single mothers don't have

enough crap to deal with,

they got to be used
and abused by you?

Hey, us. Look, single mothers
are at their sexual peak.

They don't have
a man in their lives,

and they can't find one,
because they're too busy

looking after
their little ankle-biter.

We're doing them a favor.

Oh, there's one. Look.

She's hot, she's ripe, and
not a boyfriend in sight.

Go on. Go, go, go, go. Go.

Ahem.

Woman: Don't be nervous,
though, ok?

If you have any questions,
just say so.

Hi. Hello there.

Do you like riding?
It's quite impressive.

What a beast, huh?

When I was a little boy,

I used to dream
of having one like that.

What is it, too big?

Because personally, I think
the bigger, the better.

You know, it's fine
as long as you do

some stretching beforehand.

You look like
you could handle that.

You sick bastard.

What? I'm just...

no. No. I wouldn't...

Don't... don't...

this man is a pervert!

Those fat bastards
will never get us!

Yeah, right.

Go in.

I'm gonna have a heart attack.

Hoo hoo hoo!

Oh, that was fun, huh, buddy?

I don't know why
we had to run away.

I mean, we could
have just simply

explained it.

Hey, you don't simply
explain to cops, ok?

Especially when you're accused
of an alleged sex crime

involving a horse cock and a
pretty little girl in powder blue.

Running away doesn't make
us look any more innocent.

Let's go. It's 12:00.

I haven't even thought
about work, all right?

I'm gonna see you
at the... oh, no.

What? What the fuck?

That's Simone, the supermodel.

Her obituary was in the paper.

Now, why would God take
the life of one so hot

when there are already so many
ugly people littering this planet?

Ok, come on. Let's go.

Aw, it's a damn shame, ed.

Holy steaming vagina kettle.

Ed, you can't leave now.

We have hot women,
depressed and in mourning.

This is a once-
in-a-lifetime opportunity

for you, buddy.

This is a church,
and that's a funeral.

Is nothing sacred to you?

Ed.

Besides, we're completely
inappropriately dressed.

We're going to hell.

An eternity of red-hot
pokers up the ass.

It's definitely worth the risk.

Will you look at
all the ass in here?

Oh, come here, child.

Let the church comfort you.

Mmm.

Oh.

Excuse me.

Were you close to the deceased?

I was her lover.

Oh. You drink from furry cup?

Do you like men, too?

Haven't you taken
a vow of celibacy?

Oh, well, it's more of a
guideline than a vow.

Oh, excuse me.

Maybe I'll baptize you later.

Priest: We are here...

Today as a...

I'd like to...

My voice. Would you mind?

I don't think...

oh, we'd be delighted, father.

We can't do this.

Hey, I am an actor.
This is what I do.

They'll never know
the difference.

Shalom, and welcome
to our church

on this sad day,

a day to celebrate
the life of Simone.

Anyone who knew Simone

knew that she was
a beautiful woman,

and I'm not just talking
about in magazines

or on the Internet.

She was beautiful
on the inside, too.

I mean, her bone structure
was out of this world.

But what lessons can we
now take away

from Simone's short life?

To follow your dreams

and to make each and every
moment count

as if it was your last,
just as she did.

And what, also, can we
learn from her death?

If you're gonna mix methamphetamines
and Kentucky bourbon,

then don't drive the wrong way
up an off ramp

into an oncoming 18-Wheeler.

¶ Hominus vacuum
indigenous scrotum ¶

¶ amen ¶

And a brief announcement
before we depart.

I will be giving and receiving

one-on-one grief counseling
in the sacristy

directly following
the procession.

Please stand.

And let us go in peace
to love and to serve the lord.

Coop, my wallet.
It's in the casket.

We can't do
anything about it now.

Yeah, but...

hey, don't worry.

We'll go to the cemetery
after the burial

when everyone's gone.

We'll ask them to
open it up, ok?

Great plan.

I'm going to work, where I
should have been all day.

It's 5 P.M., and I've
got nothing done.

Nothing? You've
been meeting women.

I don't care about that.

In fact, I was
pretty comfortable

in those priest's clothes.

I just... I just want
to save my career.

You know, maybe you'd do a
little bit better at your job

if you just loosened
up and got laid.

Ok, I'm going to the office,

and I'm gonna work all night,

and I'd appreciate it if
you'd just let me have

that time to myself.

Sure.

Hey, whatever you need, bud.

Whatever makes you happy.

It is your birthday
weekend. Ok.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, I was thinking.

What if I brought
some girls to the office?

Can you not get it through
your thick skull?

I don't care
about getting laid.

Why? Are you gay?

You've never had
a serious relationship,

so you wouldn't understand,

but me and Cathy... what we
had was something special.

It was about so much
more than sex.

It was about a closeness.

It was about a warmth
that we felt for each other.

I mean, there was nothing

I wouldn't do for her,

and there was nothing
she wouldn't do for me

because we cared
about each other.

Ed, she videotaped herself
fucking your best friend.

Give me a break, man.
It's over.

No. Who knows? She
could be out there

somewhere right now,
thinking about me.

I doubt it, ed.

Ed: Why? Is it because
I'm so repulsive?

Am I so repugnant that no
one wants to be with me?

No.

No, it's not that.

It's just...

Now, it looks like
she's spoken for.

I'm sorry, bud.

Are you ok?

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! Ed!

Wait a minute.

Let's act like adults about this.
Take it easy.

Let's go and sit down.

I just... I just really thought

we were gonna get
back together.

You know, I thought
she was the one.

That's where you're
going wrong, ed.

I mean, you can't think
about meeting the one.

You need to start thinking
about meeting the ones.

Meeting women is
a numbers game.

You think I get laid
a lot, and I do,

but I only sleep with a tiny
percentage of the women

I actually talk to.

I mean, I'll talk
to 30 women in a night,

and if one fucks me,
I'm doing well.

You... you talk to two
women in a month,

and if neither fucks
you, you scamper back

into your little shell
and feel sorry for yourself.

Tell me how it works.

I mean, make it work for me.

You were right.
Getting me laid...

that's the only way
I'm gonna get over this.

What about your job?

I will work

tomorrow all day,

but tonight, I just
really need to have sex.

Will you help me?

Man: Yeah!

Go, girl!

Woman: ¶ come on,
you beautiful thing... ¶

I don't know if this
is such a good idea.

Are you crazy, dude?
This is a perfect idea.

Look at all the hot
chicks, man.

And listen, I'm gonna keep
bringing girls around here

till you find one you like, ok?

Then tickle tickle,
pinch pinch.

You know what
I'm talking about?

So just sit back, relax,
and have a little fun.

Cooper: Hey! Oh, my God.

I never wanted to be
a gun more in my life.

Yeah!

I don't know if I
really feel that comfortable

glorifying war.

Aw. Damn. Thank you.

Takes you back, doesn't it?

Oh, man.

Cooper: Oh, yeah.

It is graduation day, brother.

Jesus Christ!

Holy shit, woman.

Haven't you ever
heard of waxing?

Ha ha ha!

Cooper: Oh, yes.

It's Uncle Sam's daughter.

Outstanding. Oh, my God, ed.

Look at those tits.

Oh. God bless America, man.

I don't know if I'm feeling
all that patriotic.

You're fucking crazy, man.

Here. Pay the woman.

No, honey.
You tuck it in the top.

Ow!

What? What?

Oh, real cool, fellas. Come on.

You know she's got
more to worry about

than paper cuts down there,

you know what I'm saying?

Hey, this doesn't happen
in Japan, my friend.

It really doesn't.

Thoroughly angry.

Hey, ed, did you see the reaction
you got out of that woman?

It was phenomenal. That
was a great start, buddy.

Cooper, that in there?

That's not what I'm
looking for, ok?

Have you heard the expression

give a man a fish and
he'll eat for a day,

but teach a man to fish,
and he'll eat forever?

You want to learn how to fish?

No. I want to learn

how to pick up a
woman legitimately.

I don't want to have to pay
someone to sleep with me.

I know, buddy. I know.

I'll teach you how. I'll teach
you how to pick up women.

Come on. I'm your bro.
You can count on me.

But you got tonight.
Tonight only.

Well, not laid tonight only,

but I want you to teach me.

Tonight is your night.

I mean, it's your
birthday weekend.

Get it going.

I'm the student.
You're the sensei.

I will show you the path

to vagina enlightenment.

Excuse me. You're putting
all your whites

in with your colors.

Is that bad?

Well, it is if you don't want all
your whites coming out pink.

Oh, really? I'm such a moron.

I can build a school
for orphans in Somalia,

but I can't do my own laundry.

You were in Somalia? I would
love to talk to you about that.

Here. Let me help you.

Yeah.

And that is why aids
is a clear example

of God punishing
the blacks and the gays.

Tell me, do you...

oh, don't even get me
started on the Jews.

That's me done.

Got to go.

Well, don't you want
to get a drink or something?

I'd love to. Quick.

Ed.

I don't see how the gym

is gonna be any better
than the laundromat.

Well...

You've got tumble dryers on low

or big, sweaty, bouncing
tits in a leotard.

Oh, my God, look at her.

I bet she uses kama
sutra as a cool-down.

All right. You're up, iron man.

Go get her. Come on.

On the treadmill. Go, go, go.

Uh!

Aah!

Hey, tough break, bro.

But you know what? No worries.

You know what women love
more than anything?

Men with babies. We're
gonna get a baby.

Let's skip the babies.

Yeah. Yeah. Good idea.

I don't know anything
about babies anyway.

Come on. I got a better idea.

Watch it. I tore my sac.

Cooper: Listen. Beggars
can't be choosers, buddy,

and stay positive, ed.

We're doing great here, man.

I'm not sure about this.

Check her out. Look at how
she's working that olive.

Ohh. It's fantastic.

You want to get
laid, don't you?

Not that badly.

Oh! Dude, dude. Here.

Here's your chance.
Here's your chance. Go.

What? What? Go.

Light her cigarette.
Go. Be suave.

Can I offer you a light?

A gentleman.

You're a rare breed.

Sorry.

Are you a scotch drinker?

I'll bet you are.

Ooh! Ooh!

So, uh, you ever
been to Japan, okinawa?

Put it out, put it out!

It's beautiful there.
It's a lot like this.

You could wear that.

Maybe Tahiti,
something like that?

Are you ticklish?

Put it out! Put it out!

Good as new. Good as new.

Can I buy you another drink?

Unh!

That's it. I'm done. I'm done.

I scraped the bottom
of the barrel,

and the bottom of the
barrel rejected me.

All right. It's time
for a stiff drink.

Go home,
get a good night's sleep,

wake up in the morning,
and work like a dog.

Hey. Thanks, Randy.
Appreciate that.

Keep them coming, will you?

Uh, vodka tonic.

Man: ¶ clambering men
in big bad boots ¶

¶ dug up my den,
dug up my roots... ¶

thanks.

¶ Treated us like
plasticine town ¶

¶ they built us up
and knocked us down... ¶

that guy at the end
of the bar. Thanks.

¶ From meccano to legoland ¶

¶ here they come
with a brick in their hand ¶

¶ men with heads
filled up with sand ¶

¶ it's build... ¶

can I buy you a drink?

No, thanks.

¶ Ba ba, build... ¶

I'm kidding.

I'll have a Cosmopolitan.

And a Cosmopolitan
for the lady.

So...

What brings you here?

My brother's, uh, gone.

Nice. Uh, you...
what brings you here?

My date.

Mm.

But it looks like
he stood me up.

Oh, he's an idiot if he has.

Thanks.

Hey. Here's to bad dates.

You had some?

Some? I've had them all.

Dating should be outlawed. Amen.

They should just bring
back arranged marriages.

Couldn't raise the
divorce rate much higher

than it already is.

If women didn't have to bother

trying to find, meet,
and attract men,

it would free up, what,
50 hours a week?

Easily. And imagine what
you women could achieve

with that kind of extra time.

Are you kidding? There'd be

a bloomingdale's on Mars.

¶ A house where we can stay ¶

¶ ba ba ba ba, build... ¶

to being friends
and nothing more.

Ditto.

¶ A road for us to cross ¶

¶ ba ba ba ba, build ¶

man: You can back right off!

Different man: I'm not backing off.
Dig this!

You live here?

Temporarily.

My apartment is
being repainted.

I hope your
apartment's done soon.

Damn it. I'm out of coffee, ed.

Oh. Well, that's ok. Coffee
would keep me up all night.

Will this...

Keep you up all night?

Man: ¶ all I need
is your love ¶

¶ all I need is your love ¶

¶ all, all, all right ¶

¶ I don't want
no real fine car ¶

¶ I got a little honey
that will take me far ¶

¶ I don't want
no riches and fame ¶

police!

I'm arresting you
for soliciting.

Wha... are you crazy?
She's not a prostitute.

Wait outside for 10...
3 minutes,

and maybe we can work
something out.

There's been some sort
of misunderstanding.

I'm not supposed to be in here.

You tell him.

Me, too!

It's... it's a
miscarriage of justice.

They said I was drunk.

If I was drunk,

my breath would smell of booze.

How does my breath smell?

Haa.

I'm here to bail out my
brother, uh, ed waxman.

Fill in these forms.

You got a pretty mouth.

Shit, Cooper. Please hurry.

Well, you know in Japan,

I'm like Brad pitt.

Seriously.

You smell nice.

Mm-hmm.

Hey. You like Sushi?

I bet you fuck like a bunny.

Heh heh.

Keep those cuffs when
you're off duty?

Faraday, don't you have
some crimes to solve?

Sorry, sir.

Brad pitt, you done
with those forms yet?

There you go, my good sir.

Now why don't you go be a peach

and get my brother
out of there, huh?

I'll be outside.

Mm.

Man: Is there
an ed waxman here?

Your bail's been posted.

I'm ed waxman.

Did you come in with any I.D.?

No. I lost my wallet. Really?

I can assure you I'm ed waxman.

Just let me out of here.

Oh, stop.

I am ed waxman.

That's bullshit.
That's bullshit.

Can you prove it?

Of course he can't prove it.

He's not ed waxman.

I prefer Edward actually,

and, uh, here's the proof.

Out you come.

Stand back from the door.

He's wearing my shirt.

I had it on. I wear an
undershirt all the time,

and I don't have
one on right now.

That's my shirt.

That's the shirt
I wiped my ass with!

I had Mexican food!

Here's your brother.

Where?

There.

That's not my brother.

Well, he was positively I.D.Ed.

Well, you released
the wrong guy.

Now, go inside
and get my brother.

Well, there's nothing
more I can do.

I guess you have to
come back in the morning

and sort it out
with the lieutenant.

Night-night.

Where are we going?
Where are you taking me?

I'm taking you
to an overnight cell.

Come here, bitch!

I can't... I can't...

man: Hey, cocksucker!

Spend the night in here.

Sweet meat!

Well, it ain't the holiday inn.

No. It's, um...
that's great. Thanks.

What is this guy?

Some jerk got caught
with a pro.

Feel sorry for him.

I know you from somewhere.

No. I don't think so. No.

You're the pervert!

What?

You were at the park
this morning.

Propositioned a woman.

Apparently gets turned on

by horse erections.

When I approached the
suspect, he ran.

Did you do that?

Well, I ran away, but it
wasn't because of the...

all right! I've heard enough.

No, no.

Pervert.

I'm not a pervert! Come on.

I'm not a pervert!

Hello.

What are you in here for?

I had a misunderstanding
with a prostitute.

I didn't even...
you know, it was...

what are you in for?

Biggest black market
Viagra dealer in America.

Oh.

But their case doesn't
stand a chance.

I managed to swallow
most of my stash

before they could impound it.

You look nervous.

You nervous? No.

There's no reason
we can't be friends.

You look like a
reasonable individual,

so there's no reason because
we just got to respect

each other's space,

the personal boundaries,

the... the space,
the boundaries,

the personal boundaries.

Cooper! Cooper! Cooper!

Guard: Ok, waxman.

You're being released.

The tray saved your ass
this time, huh?

Work, got to go to work.

Oh, Jesus, man. You're in no
shape to go to the office.

Come on. Oh, no.

You're gonna come with me
on a little car ride, ok?

Come on. Watch your dome there.

Oh. Ed, watch your head.

Come on. Get in there.

Get in there.
There you go, buddy.

Hold on to that.

Cooper: So, uh, how'd you get
arrested in the first place?

I still don't understand it.

I met a nice girl.

She invites me
back to her place,

and it turns out
she's a prostitute.

Well, did she ask
you for money?

No. That's the weird part
is I thought you got

the financial bit
out of the way first.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's the
way I've always done it.

Do you know what this means?

What?

She was off duty.

She must have really liked you,

and, ed, a prostitute that's
willing to give it away for free

is worth at least
two normal girls.

Really? Hell, yeah, man.

You are a stud, my friend,

a total stud.

And that Kim, God,
was she nectar, huh?

She was hot.

Oh, she was. She really was.

I mean, you should
have seen it.

How'd you know her name?

You told me.

No, I didn't.

So how did you know
her name was Kim?

Well, she looked like a Kim.

I mean, she had
very kimesque features.

You paid her, didn't you?

You... you paid her in advance.

That's why she didn't
ask for the money.

No, I didn't. Hey, ed,
that's ludicrous.

I was only trying to
build your self-esteem.

Am I so pathetic that a woman's
not gonna sleep with me

without financial incentive?

Ed, come on.
That's not what I meant.

Listen. You and I both know.

That someday we are
gonna look at this

as brothers and laugh about it.

You sickbag!

Do you have any idea
what I've been through?

I was just trying to help.

Help?

Help? You helped me
get a criminal record

when all I wanted to do
was go to the office

and save my career.

And now that's gone, too!

I should have never
listened to you.

Why... ooh!

Ed, I think we need to
take a little breath here.

I mean, it's just a job.

At least I've had a job
in my lifetime, Coop.

You've accomplished nothing.

Nothing?

Ed, in Japan, this is the eighth
most recognized Western face.

And one day, they're
gonna replace that face,

and you'll have nothing,

and you'll be nothing

because you've tried nothing.

Hey. Well, fuck you!

Unh!

Cooper: Oh, shit.
I'm sorry, ed.

Fuck.

Just leave me alone.

Hey, ed, what are you doing?

Going home.

I really think somebody
should take a look

at that cut, man.

You know what? I don't
care what you think.

All right. I'm really
serious right now.

I don't want to see your face.

Hey, ed. Let's talk
about this, man.

Hey. Don't walk away.

Ed, I'm sorry you
didn't get laid, man.

I'm sorry nobody wanted
to sleep with you.

Come back. Hey, hey.

Fuck Jo and susie.

I know. Rachel and Cassie.

Those chicks will fuck you
at the same time.

Man: How you doing tonight?

Fine.

All I had was $1.05.

Wow. It's $1.10.

Yes, but all I have is $1.05,

so if you could
cut me some slack,

I'd really appreciate that

because I spent
last night in prison.

Oh. So you'd like
special treatment

because you're a felon?

I will come back tomorrow
with the difference...

twice the difference.

It doesn't work like that.

I want to go home.

Well, unless you've got $1.10,

you ain't going nowhere.

Do... no!

What is wrong with you people?

I pay my taxes!

I don't throw trash
on the street,

I don't piss in alleyways
or graffiti walls.

I don't even have children
in the public school system.

I recycle, my glass,
my paper, my plastics.

I'm a good person, and I
just want a bus token!

Bye.

That's it! That's it!

If I'm not going home,
no one is!

You just can't keep
out of trouble, can you?

Fuck! Where did you come from?

Yes. This is a perfect
ending to a perfect weekend.

I'm arresting you for
disturbing the peace.

I just want a bus token.

And for begging.

Here you go.

You know this guy?

We live in the same
apartment building.

I'll take him home.

All right.

If you're sure.

Mm-hmm.

Are you ok?

Yeah.

Go on now. Blow.

Come on.

Ugh.

Eww.

I'm sorry. It's been a
hell of a 48 hours.

I guess it all just got
a little on top of me.

So what's happened, if you
don't mind my asking?

I haven't had sex
in over a year.

Well, I can see how
that would...

and my ex, who I was hoping
to get back together with,

got married... Oh.
That is just...

and I got arrested last night

for picking up a prostitute.

I didn't know
she was a prostitute...

Well, no wonder
you were arrested.

And because of that, I spent
the night in a prison cell

fending off
the amorous advances

of a very giant man
with a pierced scrotum.

Phew! Must be a lot of
dead animals about.

You can fart on command?

You can't?

I tired once
but just shat myself.

It's not something
you try twice.

Ooh! That's a big cat.

Yeah. Eww.

I hope the door opens soon.

Yeah.

Uh, thanks for the bus token.

I'm feeling a lot,
uh, saner now.

Has anyone looked at that?

Uh, it will heel.

Come on. It looks really nasty.

I got some antiseptic
stuff and a band-aid.

Come on.

Wow! Those are great.
Who are they by?

A little-known
contemporary photographer...

Ellen Reese.

She's very talented.

Why, thank you.

Wha...

Ellen. Yeah.

I'm sorry. I never
asked your name.

I'm ed waxman.

Hi.

You do this professionally?

I do now.

I was a model for a long time,

but I quit to spend more
time behind the camera.

That's very brave.

Not really.

You're not brave to do what
you really want to do.

You're just an idiot
if you don't.

Do you want a blt?

I am so hungry. Yes, please.

You never told me what you do.

Advertising.

You're definitely
getting fired tomorrow?

Yeah.

Man: ¶ you're calling me ¶

¶ and your friends
to your arm ¶

¶ and you treat them like... ¶

I was really planning
on working this weekend,

you know, really buckling down,

but I got sidetracked by my
brother's futile attempt

to get me laid.

I guess you could say the only
thing that got fucked this weekend

was my career.

Sorry to hear it.

¶ Just act like you're right ¶

¶ when you know
that you're wrong ¶

¶ just act like
you're right... ¶

hold on! Ed, ed, ed.

Sorry. Thought you
were someone else.

You know, I'm... I'm just
not good with the women.

I'm not like my brother Cooper.

Thank God. What?

That guy is the most
self-centered, shallow person

I've ever met.

¶ Felt just like
a gavel fell... ¶

have you seen this man?

¶ The more it hurts... ¶

uh-uh. No?

No.

Ok. How about that man?

Uh-uh. Thanks.

I mean, do not think that
Cooper is the ideal man

that all women are looking for.

To be honest, I think
it's a bit sad

that a guy needs to have
constant reassurance

that he's desirable.

It's a massive sign
of insecurity.

You are so much more...

¶ You don't need to tell me ¶

¶ love's like an enemy ¶

¶ if ever you should stumble ¶

¶ you just need a friend ¶

¶ you don't need to bend ¶

¶ just act like you're right
when you know you're wrong ¶

Cooper: Yeah. Ok. You're
sure you haven't seen him?

Not since the sixth grade?

Ok. No, no. Uh, thanks, Spence.

If he does happen to get
in touch with you tonight,

give me a call, all right?

No. I don't expect him
to either.

Hi, God.

Cooper waxman here.

I know I haven't been
in touch for a while.

You might know me better
at the Glen kyoto man.

My brother ed has sort of
gone missing.

Well, we argued,

and he got this really
nasty bump on his head,

and I haven't heard
from him since,

so I was thinking that
maybe you could just go

have a quick look around
for him

and bring him back home.

Now I know what
you're thinking.

You're thinking, "well, sure
I could do that for you, Cooper,

but what's in it for me?"

And fair enough,
so I tell you what.

If you find ed and you bring him
back home safely,

I'll give up
one-night stands for, uh...

Aw. Come on, God.
I'm only human.

I got it.

And this is fair.

I'll lead the sort of life
that ed wants me to lead.

I'll give up the ads,
I'll give up the daytime soaps,

and I will concentrate
on serious acting jobs.

Is it a deal?

It's a deal.

Well, so stop hanging
around here

feeling so pleased with yourself

and get out there
and find my brother.

Man: ¶ don't look back
into the sun ¶

¶ now you know
that the time has come ¶

¶ and they said that
it would never come for you ¶

¶ oh, oh, oh, oh ¶

¶ oh, my friend,
you haven't changed ¶

¶ you're looking rough
and living strange ¶

¶ and I know, you've got
a taste for it, too ¶

¶ oh, oh, oh, oh ¶

¶ don't look back
into the sun ¶

¶ you've cast your pearls,
but you're on the run ¶

¶ and all the lies you said,
who did you save? ¶

mm. Hey.

I must have
fallen asleep. Uh...

You looked so peaceful, I
didn't want to disturb you.

Ok. Uh, I'm gonna go now.

I better go, so sorry.

Oh, don't be sorry.

You were very snuggly.
It was nice.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

You're welcome to stay
if you want to.

Ok. I guess I could stay.

If you'd like to.

I could use the sleep.

Man: ¶ looking timeless
and frisky ¶

¶ I feel lost
like the sixties ¶

¶ had way too much publicity ¶

¶ and no girlfriend
to miss me ¶

¶ it's a perfect day to start ¶

¶ looking
for a new sweetheart... ¶

ohh!

Ohh... Yeah!

Oh, God.

I'm gonna cum.

Oh, no! Oh, no! No yet.

Just a little longer.

¶ All the girls come out... ¶

hyah! Unh!

Ellen: Oh, yeah! Ohh! Oh, yeah!

¶ On the town... ¶

Come on! Ohh! Ohh!

Come on! Ohh!

Almost there.

Ohh!

Holy shit! That's it!
I've got it!

I got it. You got what?

I got an idea for work.

What?

Oh. That's romantic.

Oh, no. That's not what I mean.

I wasn't even thinking
about work, not at all,

but it just suddenly hit me,

you know, the idea I've been
looking for all weekend,

so I got to go. I
can save my career.

You know what, though?

That was amazing.

You were amazing.

You are the best thing
that has happened to me

since...

Ever.

I got to go.

Hey, ed!

Where have you, been, man?

I've been worried sick.

I called everybody
in your address book,

I've been to the hospitals,
the mortuaries, everything.

Where's the camera?

Hey, ed. I've been
worried sick about you.

With that bump on your head,

you could have had amnesia,

been wandering
around the earth,

not knowing who you were,

and I'd find you years later

as an old man when I'd
take my grandchildren

to the circus only to discover

my long lost brother in ring 3

being the bull's-eye for
a game of butt darts

by the midget pirates.

Yeah. I was having sex with the
unbelievably gorgeous woman down the hall.

Ed, come on, man. I don't care

about the whole
getting laid thing.

You don't need to lie.

I'm just glad you're ok.

Ed? Oh. You left
this at my place.

Call me.

Oh, ho, man!

Now that's impressive.

Guess that's why they call
you the almighty, huh?

Hey. Where's the video camera?

The video camera?

Yeah. I need it now.

Ok. Fuck.

Ed, what are you doing?

Getting my job back.

Man: ¶ I met a girl
from another planet ¶

¶ yeah, yeah ¶

go get them.

Well, what happened? Did you get
all the footage you needed?

You kidding?

I was crazy to think
that in just one day

I could film all the stuff

that took years
to fill my archive.

I mean, I threw away everything
I needed to save my career.

You want your archived footage?

Oh. Come with me.

Coop, it is too late, ok?

The meeting takes place at 3:00.
I'm screwed.

Well, then we better
hustle, huh, buddy?

Come on. I got
a surprise for you.

What are we doing back
at mom and dad's place?

Come on.

Man: ¶ once upon a time
not too long ago ¶

¶ we took a day out
in Manchester... ¶

thought these might
come in handy one day.

Go ahead.

This could do it?

Yeah?

Shit.

We got to go.

Oh. Ooh! Shit!

Oh, God!

Oh, boy!

Found it. Here you go.

¶ And we all fall down ¶

¶ there's not enough hours
in the trip ¶

so we have clearly not been
responsive to your needs.

I mean, great bridge
is a leader.

It's an innovator.

It's a groundbreaking
insurance company.

It's unique, it's exciting.

With inspired leadership,

if I may be so bold.

Let me ask you. What type of
advertising are we talking about?

Well, I think we need to have a
face of great bridge insurance,

you know, a spokesman, someone who
represents everything we stand for.

Someone attractive,
intelligent, approachable.

Mm. Anyone in mind?

Yes.

Me.

Right.

Well, I think we've got
ourselves a poster boy.

I knew we could work together.

You guys are
un-fucking-believable.

We try.

And you're fired.

I hate ass-kissers.

If I wanted a bunch
of sycophants

who were only after my money,

I could just hang out
with my family.

Mr. Lanson, have a seat.

Weren't you fired?

Shut up, Roger.

Mr. Lanson, I think
you're gonna like this.

Aah! Oh, fuck!

Ohh!

Ohh, shit! Ugh!

Oh, God. Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Shit!

Aah! Ohh!

Unh!

Ow!

Ed, voice-over: The unexpected
happens all the time.

Whoa! Ohh!

With great bridge insurance,
you're covered.

Cooper, voice-over:
And so ed won the account back.

He got Frank's office,
and business boomed.

To show there was
no hard feelings,

he even let Roger stay.

Ed and Ellen moved in together,

and I heard that Cathy got fat

and Jack caught a disease
which caused his testicles

to swell to the size
of cantaloupes.

Talk about everything
working out perfectly.

It's your brother's
big day, huh?

Wish him luck from me.

And, yes, I even kept
my promise to God.

I don't know if it was such
a good idea to give up

those ads and stuff, man.

Are you kidding?

Cooper, in your first
serious acting audition,

you landed the role of Hamlet.

That's massive.

Yeah.

I don't know, man. I'm
sweating like a bullet here.

I'm nervous as hell.

You're gonna be great, Coop.

Good luck. All right?

Oh, hey, ed.

Hey, man. Thanks
for coming, huh?

I wouldn't miss it
for the world.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks, bud.

Here we go.

And in this harsh world,

draw thy breath in pain

to tell my story,

and the rest is silence.

Man: ¶ hold me close,
don't let me go ¶

¶ oh, no ¶

¶ I, yes, I love you,
and I think that you know ¶

¶ that you know ¶

¶ with your love light shining ¶

¶ every cloud's got
a silver lining... ¶

Jesus Christ!

Ha!

Holy shit, woman. Have you
ever heard of waxing?

Shit.

It's your line that gets me.

I got it this time.
Third time's a charm.

I can't even listen to you.

I can't listen to you.

And were you close
to the deceased?

I was her lover.

Oh, my. So you have
your liquor license.

Mark.

I bet you fart like a bunny.

Man: "Fuck like a bunny."

I like "fart like a bunny."

But what can we now
take away from her life?

And I'd find you years from now

as an old man when I'd
take my grandchildren

to the circus only to discover

my long lost brother
dangling from the trapeze

by the business end of
some Chinese anal beads.

Mark.

And I'd find you years from now

as an old man when I'd
take my grandchildren

to the circus only to discover

my long lost brother in
the tank getting mounted

by the transvestite hippo lady.

Mark.

Now why would God take the life

of one so hot
when there are so many

ugly, loose, gross
bitches to choose from.

Fuck.

Fucking lightning bolt
their ass

when you've got these
beautiful, pristine,

tight-lipped, wonderful angels.

Ha ha ha!

What did you do?

It's, like, sad. 8, maybe 9
times I'm peeing on her.

She's down there,
she's licking my star,

fucking blowing it in her hair.

Is she into bestiality?

Because, you know, my next-door
neighbor's got that great Dane,

and she's just like
trying to get him,

where she's, like, putting peanut
butter all over her snootchie

and stuff like that.

I mean, that's...
that's not right, is it?

That's right, is it?

She's got, like, a lob wedge,

and she's just
like, "oh, yeah, yeah."

I got to get the thing
regripped.

Ahem. Oh, man.

She's cool, though.
We talk a lot.

It's nice.
She's really sensitive.

Yeah. She was shoving my g.I. Joe
up there and stuff like that.

Man: ¶ want you to? ¶

¶ well, I really feel ¶

¶ feel like you want me to ¶

¶ do you feel ¶

¶ feel like I want you to? ¶

¶ I really feel ¶

¶ feel like you want me to ¶

¶ do you feel? ¶

¶ I really feel ¶

¶ do, do you feel? ¶

¶ because I really
feel it, too ¶

¶ do you feel ¶

¶ just like I want you to? ¶

¶ yeah, do you feel it? ¶

¶ do you feel, yeah? ¶

captioning made possible by
lions gate entertainment

captioned by the national captioning
institute ...Www.Ncicap.Org...