All language subtitles for Outmatched s01e10_English

ANNOUNCER:
These parents are Outmatched.

How did I give birth
to Wikipedia?

ANNOUNCER:
All-new episodes Thursdays.

And watch other Fox shows
like Last Man Standing.

-Bingo.
-Only on Fox.

Well, another successful
Marc and Leila birthday party

-in the books.
-Sure,

if success is measured
by the number of guests

who have nightmares.

Hey, maybe next year
we let Leila choose the theme.

"Mortality" is
the only honest birthday theme.

Because every year brings you...

KAY AND MIKE:
One step closer
to a cold and endless nothing.

Yeah.

Hey.
Go outside.

Stop playing skull in the house.

So, between this
and Brian's science parties

and Nicole's birthday
networking mixers,

we're never throwing
a normal party, are we?

Right now I'm just hoping
that's a fake skull.

Marc came home yesterday with
a lot of mud on his clothes.

I'm always amazed
by the statistical unlikelihood

that Marc was born
on the exact same day as Leila.

The odds increase
when you consider

that nine months ago
is Father's Day.

Yeah. That probably counted
as Mom's gift.

It's free, and you don't have
to leave the house to get it.

Brian, what did we say
about talking?

Say it to myself five times,
and if it still sounds weird,

don't say it.

Although there is something
that never sat quite right

with me
about their joint birthday.

Now that you mention it, I feel
like the seasons don't line up.

I remember when Marc was born,
it was spring

and I had
pollen-induced conjunctivitis.

But when Leila was born,
it was winter.

And I fell
through that frozen lake

that finally cleared
my conjunctivitis.

(chuckles)

-Memories are so crazy.
-(chuckles)

KAY:
Yeah.

You know what else is crazy?

That you guys have written
an entire rap musical

about Stephen Hawking,
and we haven't heard it.

-No, we're in the middle of...
-* How does a paraplegic *

* King of strategic, son
of a medical researcher... *

No, they're trying
to distract us.

We're onto something.

What are you hiding?

Leila's real birthday
is in December.

They were just gonna hack
the hospital.

Let's have a normal Saturday.

You've lied about Leila's
birthday for eight years?

No. We lied about it once,

and no one's questioned it
for eight years.

It started because your
grandparents couldn't fly in

for Leila's first birthday,
so we just...

combined it with Marc's.

KAY:
And then we just kind of kept it
that way.

Cut us some slack.
We were broken.

Four kids is exhausting
and unnatural.

I once confessed this
to a priest and he said,

"I totally get it."
(chuckles)

Don't you think it's time
you told her the truth?

(sighs)
He's right.

We can't keep lying to Leila.

Like this goodie bag says,

"The evil that men do
lives after them."

Yes, but it also says,

"Don't weep for the dead.
Weep for the living."

I'm starting to see
why no one took any of these.

*

So I wasn't born on my birthday?

No, uh, you were,

but, um-- but that day
was actually four months ago.

Wow.

Yesterday I was eight.

This morning I turned nine.

Now I'm almost ten.

Life's a wild ride.

But the important thing
to remember is how bad we feel

when you talk to your therapist
about this one day.

It's cool.
I'm used to it.

For a while,
I thought my full name was

Has Anyone Seen Leila Bennett?

Oh, wait, we're also
throwing you a party!

-We're-we're what?
-Yeah!

To make up for the eight years

of joint birthdays
and skeleton parties

and a couple
of left-at-the-malls,

you're getting
your very own bash.

And you don't even have to wait
for your real birthday.

Hmm? It's a day just for you.

A Leilapalooza!

Wow. I hope
someone brings Molly.

Come on, Molly!

Oh, thank God.

Wait, why are we throwing
another party?

She was cool with everything.

That's the problem.

She is so used
to not feeling special,

she doesn't even know
she should be mad about this.

We have to make it up to her.

I guess
it would be nice to throw

a normal kids' party for once.

Something
we can have fun at, too.

My dad used to love
my birthday parties.

Not because I was born

but because we usually went
to a Mets game.

Oh, should we do that?

No. This is not about us.

This is about Leila
and what she wants.

We are leaving this party
totally up to her.

Well, whatever she picks,

it's got to be better than Marc
asking us to find a cake that

"screams when you cut it."

(whispers): I think it knows
we're talking about it.

You were delicious!

*

(tires screech)

Hey. I'm about to go watch
SmackDown.

You guys want
to watch wrestling with me?

-Sure.
-Really?
-No.

See? You're not the only one
who can lie.

We've been thinking
about your birthday ruse,

and it made us wonder...

What else have you lied
to us about?

Okay. I guess
you guys are old enough to know.

Uh, tons of things.
We lie to you guys all the time.

We say whatever we have to
to get by.

"Good morning" is a lie.

Sometimes
we just fold the dirty laundry

and put it back in your drawers.
(chuckles)

Oh, and, uh--
this is a good one--

remember how we told you
that if something were to happen

to me and Mom,
you guys would become the wards

of the Harvard
board of trustees?

Oh, no. You're leaving us
to a state school?

It's more of a party school.

It's Rita and Irwin.

Are you serious?

But they're
just different versions of you.

We could kill you right now.

But then we'd be stuck
with Rita and Irwin.

We're in a trap
of your own design.

Whatever!
I don't need you guys anyway!

I've got plenty of people who
will watch wrestling with me.

You used to be people, right?

Hey, Leils.

Hi, Dad. Hi, Jen.

So, you excited
for your big party?

You know what you want to do
for it yet?

No. Nicole said
my party should be

a $1,000-a-plate fundraiser
for her super PAC.

No, don't...
(chuckles)

Don't listen
to what Nicole says.

Kiddo, this-this party needs to
be about you and what you like.

I don't know what I like.

I could like anything.

I even like Brian,
and he's a lot.

Huh.

Well, um, I mean, I don't want
to influence you, but...

maybe wrestling
is something you would like.

You know, one
of the best birthdays I ever had

was a wrestling theme.

But is wrestling your thing?

'Cause you said
I need my own thing.

No, but that's okay.
You know,

sometimes, sometimes
parents like something first

and then their kids like it.

Like Mom.

I liked Mom first,

and now you like her, right?

I love Mom.

Great!

Then we will have
a wrestling party

and watch SmackDown

and never tell her
about any of this.

Fun!

Daddy, I love cuddling with you
when I'm on Molly.

(sighs)

So, in conclusion,
when raising a Bennett child,

the most important thing
is LOVE.

And, again, LOVE is

legal aid,

organizational support,

vermin-- for research--

and eggs.

We like eggs.

Any questions?

Yes. Irwin.

What the hell do you mean we get
you when your parents die?

You two don't know you're our
legal guardians in their will?

I didn't know people
who have nothing have wills.

Well, in that case,
congratulations.

This must be very exciting
for you.

It's not.

We already have three kids.

You think I want this full-time?

Wait, we knew
we didn't want you.

But you don't want us?

No offense, but you guys

are the most high-maintenance
pains in the asses we know.

-Right, babe?
-Right.

Brian, you're a walking sneeze.

And, Nicole,

I'm pretty sure you were sent
back from the future

to kill John Connor.

And Marc's been over there
sharpening a knife

this whole time.

I'm making fajitas later.

Oh. Well, that's not so bad.

-But that's not
what the knife is for.
-Uh-uh.

-No, babe.
-Uh-uh. You go over there.

-Babe.
-Uh-uh.

Hey, Nik.

Want to read
a bunch of made-up gossip

about the royal family with me?

There's a new royal dog,
and, apparently,

she's only the second
biggest bitch in the palace.

Is this stack of magazines
why we don't have apples?

Fruit goes bad in two days.

This little red number's
been ripe for 17 years.

He hasn't even killed
his brother yet

to take over the throne.

Such a turnoff.

Hey, Mom.
For my wrestling party,

do we have any cans
of whoop ass?

For your wrestling party?

How did you come up with that?

Oh, Daddy told me
what to say if you ask me.

He said,

"This is important.

"If Mommy asks,

I had nothing to do with it."

"'Cause you know
how irrational she can be."

Then he said,

"Don't say the irrational part."

Oops.

Look, you don't have
to do wrestling

because your dad likes it.

You can pick whatever you want.

Like what?

That's for you to figure out.

I'll just be here
reading my magazines.

About real-life princesses.

Are you for serious?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, there's
a whole family of them.

There are crowns and castles

and cousins
that look like talking mice.

Here. See for yourself.

Mmm, who's that strawberry?

Hey, Red. I'm Leila.

So, when exactly
were you gonna tell me and Rita

that you were leaving us
your kids?

Was this supposed to be
some deathbed thing

so that we couldn't say no?

I told you.

Remember, we were out
and you dared me to drink

a bottle of hot sauce
and I said, "Okay,

but if I die, you get my kids."

Damn it.
And then we high-fived.

And that's legally binding
in the state of New Jersey.

The only family we have in the
area is Kay's cousin Sebastian.

The kids don't even know him.
He lives alone on a farm.

Yeah, but come on, Mike.

We don't know anything
about raising four white kids.

So, what, now we got
to start buying Wheat Thins

and figure out
what a Harry Styles is?

Look, I don't think
you need to worry, Irwin, okay?

We don't plan
on dying anytime soon.

Hmm. How's that nacho taste?
Good?

'Cause it's the last one
you're ever gonna eat.

We got to keep you alive, man.

And slipping on a nacho is
another good way to die.

I'm going to the kitchen
to get some paper towels.

(Mike groans softly)

Oh. Hey, Leils.

I have a surprise
for your party.

Are you ready for this?

Huh?

Oh! (chuckles)

What?! (laughs)

So you've been wearing that
under your clothes

the whole time
we've been talking?

I got you a matching one, too,

so we can both wear them
at the party.

But I'm not doing
a wrestling party anymore.

Wait. Wha-What are you
talking about?

Then what kind of party is it?

(with British accent):
'Ello, Leila.

Look at this dress
I got for your...

Cheerio.

Are you for serious?

(normal voice):
Leila decided for her party,

she wants
to do a royal wedding theme.

-Oh, did she?
-Mm-hmm.

And she came up with that idea
all on her own?

Yeah, just like she came up with
wrestling... all on her own.

What makes you think
I had anything

to do with the wrestling idea?

Yeah, okay,
I know how this looks.

I don't think you do, Mike.

And definitely not
from the back.

Face it, Mike.
Leila wants to be a princess.

She wants the crown
and the dress and the pageantry.

You know what?
Why don't we let her decide?

Leils, would you like
a frilly, uptight tea party,

or a party
where you can do this?

(quietly):
Flip me over and body slam me.

-I said I need you alive!
-Oh, are you scared?

Mike, I can't raise your kids.
I don't have enough costumes!

Oh, then say good night!

It's too tight! I'm not playing!

Michael Mania is running wild!
Aah!

I'm gonna end up
with those kids.

How's your back?

It's fine.
You should see the other guy.

Yeah,
you scratched Irwin pretty bad

when he carried you
to the couch.

Look, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have talked Leila
into wrestling.

I just thought that maybe
if this party worked out,

we could have a thing together.

I know.

But that is not what this party
was supposed to be about.

-This was Leila's day.
-I am way ahead of you.

I already canceled the
reservation at the wrestling gym

so you guys can have
your princess party.

So, you know... hero.

What? No, no, not hero!

I felt bad
about forcing my party on her

so I canceled the tea room.

So now we don't have anything?

No! We have to scrape something
together by tomorrow morning.

Okay. You know, th-thi-this is
just like in wrestling.

You know? The moment you think
it's over, the hero rises.

You should go.
I'm stuck here now.

So, the dude's name
is Sebastian.

He's your mom's cousin,
and he lives on a farm.

-And best of all, he's not us.
-No.

Farm. Interesting.

Quiet solitude, no distractions.

And we'll be swimming
in vermin and eggs!

Question:

is there a corn maze
on this farm?

And if so,
does it lead to madness?

Sebastian sounds great.
We'll take it.

No, no, no, no,
we don't have to convince you.

-We got to convince him.
-That shouldn't be hard.

We'll just give him the same
presentation we gave you.

We'll just cut in some images
of us frolicking with livestock.

No, we cut off power
to his farm.

He'll be isolated, paranoid.

A man like that is bound
to say yes to anything.

No! What is wrong with you?

Just turn off your brains
for a second and just be people.

Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.

We're going to invite Sebastian

to Leila's party
and win him over.

Yes, and not with presentations
or scare tactics.

-You got to charm the guy.
-You don't think we're charming?

No, not when you're talking

about swimming
in vermin and eggs.

All right, everybody zip it!

We're gonna teach you
how to pass for people.

You're up first,
Old-Man Sweater.

(quietly):
Quick update.

I think I'm falling in love
with Rita.

This is the party
that Leila wanted?

I thought
she was the normal one.

It's the best we could do
on short notice.

Though I do admit,
that pile of mattresses looked

a lot more like a bouncy house
when I was on pain meds.

The party store only had
St. Paddy's Day clearance stuff.

The only things we could save
from the original parties were

some princess costumes
and the wrestler I hired.

Hey. Bloodbath.
Nice to meet you.

I think there was a mix-up
with the costumes.

No, you got it.

Today you're Princess Bloodbath.

Hey, quick question.

You think
my legs look okay in this dress?

You look beautiful.

Oh, God. Babe, the kids--

-they're talking
to Cousin Sebastian.
-(laughs)

RITA:
Okay, it looks, uh, normal.

-Yeah.
-Wait. What's Marc's face doing?

-He's gearing up to bite him.
-No. Honey,

he's smiling!
They're acting human, babe!

(laughs) They're actually doing
what we taught them.

Brian hasn't done
one awkward medieval bow.

I know. Oh, do that thing
we taught you.

-You can do it, baby.
-Mm-hmm.

-Yes!
-She blinked!

-Yes! Yes!
-She blinked. (laughs)

She's gonna use that
for the rest of her life, babe.

We taught her that.
We taught her that!

I got to give us credit.

We did a pretty good job
pulling this off.

You can't even tell
this was an erotic cake.

Well, I can, but I can
find boobs in anything.

Okay, everybody, it's cake time.

* Ha... *

(holding note)

Has anyone seen Leila?

She hasn't been here
the whole time.

We lost Leila at her own party?

This does not feel
like a good moment for you.

Hey. Cousin Sebastian, right?

Cousin Sebastian is what
my cousins call me.

You can call me
Regular Sebastian.

We saw you talking to Brian,
Nicole and Marc before.

Yeah. I'm sorry. Why were you
watching me talk to children?

Well, it looked to us
like you really hit it off.

-Yeah.
-They're impressive, right?

If I'm being honest,
they're a little weird.

That older boy's
hiding something.

And the younger boy's not
hiding something, but he should.

On the farm, we'd say

those kids are the horse corn
of people.

Excuse me! Well,
what in the hell do you know?

About horse corn, quite a bit.

Let me tell you something.

Those kids may be tiny psychos,
but they're special.

IRWIN:
Yeah, and they'll
make you better.

Nicole is teaching me
how to speak Dothraki,

and Brian made it so that my car
can run on French fry oil.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

I'll tell you who we are.

We may not be
some fancy farm cousins,

but we know we're two people
who are lucky enough

to have those kids in our lives.

That's right, and if it
takes you more than five minutes

to recognize that,
then you don't deserve

to have them live on your farm
when Mike and Kay are dead!

I'm more confused now
than when I got this invite

to what I was told
was a hog auction.

Well, then, go on!

Go on back to your farm!

I hope your rooster's broken
and you oversleep!

Using a bird as an alarm clock
like the damn Flintstones.

Yabba-dabba-dumbass.

Did you mean all that?

Every word.

Will you do us the honor

of making us your guardians
when your parents die?

Yes.

-Yes, a thousand times yes!
-(laughs)

You smell like sunsets.

(Kay sighs)

Hey, Leils,
we've been looking for you.

This is where I come sometimes
to get away from everything.

Oh. You don't eat the brownies
we leave down here, do you?

Because those are...

...poison. Those are poison.

(sighs)

I guess we blew it today, huh?

(sighs)
We're sorry, kiddo.

We got caught up and forgot this
was supposed to be about you.

It's okay. I liked the party.

Well, then what's wrong?

Why you hiding down here?

My favorite part about my old
birthday was doing it with Marc.

Now it's just me.
It's no fun without him.

Mm. Oh, sweetie.

Well, this is your party,

and we said
it should be anything you want.

So... what do you want?

Happy... well,
I guess nobody's birthday.

And our gift to you--
from now on,

me and your mom promise:
no more secrets.

And in the spirit
of our new family honesty,

we'd like it known
that we're okay if you die.

Yeah, us, too.

Pass me the cake. Ooh.

-Yeah.
-I'll get plates.

Well, turned out

to be our most normal
birthday ever.

-I know.
-Hmm.

It's almost like
we're getting the hang of this.

-(door opens)
-Just so you know,

the rental guys are here
to pick up those mattresses.

Uh, those are our mattresses.

Oh. Then, some dudes
are stealing your mattresses.

Come on, Bennetts.
We're going to war!

-Let's go, guys.
-Go, go, go!

Ooh, fight.
I'm right behind you.

-(Irwin laughs, door closes)
-I'm not doing that.

You have a very...

imagination.

Thanks, Irwin. It looks better
when you see it all together.

Oh, damn.

You're one of them, then.

Mom and Dad aren't the only ones
who can keep a secret.

Can you keep a secret, Irwin?

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson
are Outmatched.

See all-new episodes
Thursdays on Fox.