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There was once an island...

...far oot in the sea.

And on this island there lived two gulls.

A brother... and a sister.

When they were wee, they were told:

"Defend the isle.

"Allow no incomer.

Survive."

Now, you might think it hard

living on an isle all by yourself.

That it does weird things to you.

All that time cooped up wi' nothing but wind and birds

and only your brother for company.

But you'd be wrong.

They weren't odd.

They were very normal.

Oatcakes.

- Morning, Isla. - Morning, Sandy.

And then I ripped him open. Hee-yah!

And then-- hear this.

His insides were all tasty treats

like oatcakes and scones and herring.

But special herring that's better than normal herring.

I tell you, I had a rare feast.

Ay!

Aw, you feeling lonesome again?

Hello.

Toilin' there, puffin?

You know, there's plenty of food in here.

No, I'm fine, Mr. Fin Man.

You don't look fine. You look like you're starving.

I have a rare feast for you right beneath the surface.

Come on in and I'll show ye.

-Nah. -You won't die. I promise.

-Nah. -Oh, please!

Happy where I am, thank you very much.

I'm telling ye, puffin, you must come in.

There's so much food doon here.

And there's loads of people eating it all up.

What people?

Who's doon there?

Oh, who's not doon here? There's so many people.

Think of a lot of people. There's more than that.

Come in the water.

Isla!

Isla, look. I found a thing.

-Some mainland tool? -I like it.

Makes me feel like a big man.

-Careful. It could be dangerous. -It's not.

Ow!

Right, that's settled. We burn it like the rest.

-But I want it. -It's no for us.

It's for mainland folk. Away with ye.

I could go for some whale blubber right now.

Finished it last winter. You know that.

How am I supposed to keep my fat

when I'm eating like a wee sparrow?

Away with ye. You're fine.

I'm a shadow of a man.

Mind what Dad said.

I'm hungry!

My teeth hurt.

My tummy's all funny.

Takes me an age to pass my bottom mess.

It used to be my bottom mess flowed like a summer breeze.

Swoosh.

Now...

my bottom mess won't budge.

Well...

we weather the storms that blow our way.

Just like Dad taught us.

Stupid Isla.

You think you're so clever, but you're not.

Do you think I can't hear you cursing me?

You took my thing.

It was bendy and I liked it, and it was mine!

-Enough! -No!

It was mine!

Do you want a story?

Aye.

This island wasn't always ours.

It once belonged to the gulls.

Scores of seabirds

soaring over the waves,

carried by the wind to our Auk Isle.

-That's where we live. -Yeah.

Let me tell ye,

when that many gulls come together,

they make quite a sound.

What a din the birds made.

Screeching and squawking,

all of them bickering over who stole whose fish.

You know, bird stuff.

Then one night, a great storm brewed.

Many birds died that night.

Then something magic happened.

Where once there were families of birds,

now there were folk.

Lads and lassies, they settled here.

But they were no alone.

Ships from far-off lands would pass.

Big ships full of...

incomers.

The incomers spun tricksome tales

of a mainland,

a shiny world full of tasty cakes and comfy chairs

and lies!

Awfy tempting for some.

Just one family stayed on Auk Isle.

One family weathered the pull of the mainland.

One family stayed true to...

Incomers.

Hello.

Sorry.

I am Daniel.

Hello.

"I am..." Um...

"...a land recovery coordinator

"for the North Eastern Scottish Council.

"Under subsection three of The Island Tenancy Act of 1986,

"you are hereby...

"informed of your impending eviction.

"You will be immediately relocated to the mainland.

"If you have questions, you can email

evictions@highland.gov.uk."

I'll give you some time to pack your things.

Have you got Wi-Fi?

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ And so say all of us. ♪

-Would you like a bit, Daniel? -What is it?

Uh, it's cake.

No, thanks. I'm all right.

Thank you.

I hope you're happy.

I hope you're pleased with yerself.

I hope one day you know what it's like.

I hope you're, yeah, sitting all comfy watching MasterChef,

and then someone kicks doon your door

and drags you oot your hoose!

And then you're homeless on the mean streets in the rain,

watching a tramp do a big steamin' jobby.

Uh, as I say, you must... you must vacate the premises

in ten days, and I'm sorry, but...

God.

Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny-Dan-Dan.

Morning, Roz.

- May I? - Yes.

Oh!

Hello.

It's a cosmic mage.

Is it?

Oh, Danny boy, you're a funny wee onion, aren't you, eh?

-Okay, then. -Sitting up here in the corner,

playing with all your toys,

just itching your red bits.

I have eczema.

-Do you, though? -Yes.

We all have eczema, you know, in a way, though, don't we?

-Not really, no. -Anyway,

seems that we have an uninhabited island

in our jurisdiction that is, in actual fact, inhabited.

Hmm.

So, under subsection blah, blah, bahbity-blah,

we want them gone, and I want you

to serve the notice.

Doorstep evictions are usually Calum's thing.

Calum?

Yeah, well, he's under an internal investigation

due to the fact that he dislocated

the hip of a pensioner during his last inspection.

-So, over to you. -Right, um...

Okay. So, I-I don't do face-to-face.

Oh.

Danny. Danny, Danny, Dan.

You do what I say.

Or you could seek alternative employment

-because... -No.

...you're not finding this position

-stimulating enough. -No. No, no.

I love my job.

Yeah.

Every day here is a gift.

Well, then pack your bags.

And listen, you, stop worrying.

You know, it'll be good for you.

Get out there, meet new people.

Come to steal our island, have ye?

No, we want to relocate you. Oh, God!

He admitted it. Mainland thief!

No, no, not me. The council.

They want you off. I don't. I shouldn't be here...

Liar! Steal the hats off our heads, he would.

You will never take our hats.

What? I-I'm confused.

So, are we hoying him in the sea or...

No, no, listen!

I swear I will not come back.

I could always bash his brains in.

The-the-the boat. The boat!

They're coming back.

They're expecting a call.

It's not up to me.

The council, if they want you gone,

you just... you kind of have to go.

Or what?

Or they'll do, like, legal stuff.

-Legal stuff? -Mm.

Like laws and paperwork and...

Paper?

What use is paper

when we've got weapons of stone and bone?

Far back as time goes,

oor family's called this isle home.

And if your council wants to take it from us,

they are gonna have to fight us.

And we will drown in incomer blood before we surrender.

Did you see that smelly mist?

Keep away from him.

-No, no! -Shh!

No, please!

It's mainland poison.

It's just...

body spray.

How long have you been here?

-You and your... -Sister.

Near... 30 winters.

What about your parents?

Gone. When we were wee.

You've been alone on this island for 30 years?

Mm.

Whoa!

It's all right. It's just... it's just a toothbrush.

It's for cleaning your teeth.

It's got three intensity settings.

You can have it...

if you want.

You just...

have to untie me first.

He's awfy shifty, Mr. Fin Man.

He's full of lofty words and...

quirksome manners.

There's a crab doon here.

-I should kill him. -Oh, what a lovely treat!

I've never seen such a big, beautiful crab

that you could eat, Isla,

if you were in the sea with me right now.

Ach, but then more would come.

-Curse this fiddly riddle! -He's got a hat on.

The crab has a wee hat.

Isla, ye have to see this. Quick.

Come in the water!

Hoy the incomer into the sea and be done wi' it.

And if more come, hoy them into the sea, too.

There's nary a trouble that cannot be solved

by hoyin' a livin' person into the sea.

You know fine well why we keep the incomers away.

You want to end up like your mother?

Sandy?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Just in a cave.

What's that you've got?

Nothing.

-I haven't got anything. -What's that on your face?

It's, um... milk.

We've not got any cows.

It's... milk from a seal.

-You milked a seal? -Aye.

How'd you manage that?

Well, I lured him in with a fish.

And then...

I asked him for some milk,

and he was an extremely milky seal because...

It's actually a sad story.

He had children, but they died.

So, he had nowhere to shoot his milk,

so he just shot it into my mouth.

Sandy.

Where did you get that?

Yes.

We should have killed ye

-when we had the chance. -No.

You said you were gonna tie yourself back up.

You sneaky man of lies!

No, no. No, I'm a... Uh, stop. I'm-I'm a wizard!

-A what? -You know, a wizard?

I know I don't look like a wizard, but there's...

there's no rules to what wizards can look...

And I know because I am one.

-I'm a wizard. -Kill the wizard.

No, I've got... No, I've got magic powers.

Yes.

Yes. Behold my magic wizard phone.

-That's not magic. -No, it is. Look.

See?

See?

I have your souls.

And if you don't leave me alone right now...

I will delete your souls!

Come on, Roz.

Hmm.

Sandy?

Come on.

Yeah. Please.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Yes! Yes!

No!

Come on. No! Come on!

No. You stay back.

No, don't...

I'll do wizard stuff. Don't, please.

Don't come. Please don't.

Please stop. Oh, God.

What's wrong?

My blood sugar's low.

It's just a banana.

I know.

My mouth is alive!

Oh! Mmm!

Don't...

Hmm.

Am I really the first visitor you've had from the mainland?

The first to linger.

Here, would you like me to show you aboot?

Come on.

This is the bog.

This is the spiky grass.

This is a rusty thing.

This is where I killed my first sea beast.

This is the spooky door.

I don't go in 'cause it's very spooky.

This is my special area.

I come here to... think,

throw rocks, shout at the sea.

Whatever I want, really. It's my secret special area.

You shout at the sea?

Hey, the sea!

This is my friend Daniel!

You know, one time,

I found a dead seal over there,

all rotten and full of maggots.

So, I put one of Isla's nighties on it,

and I put it in her bed, just as a wee joke.

Oh!

Oh, what a scare she had.

She hit me in the head with a log,

and I was bleeding, and you could see the bone.

And sometimes I can't feel my hands.

Ah, it was a right laugh.

That's nice.

I think your face is nice.

I like looking at it.

What's all this?!

- Isla, we were just... - Enough from you.

-I was just... -Traitor.

And you...

You're no wizard.

Of course I'm not.

Aha!

Devious lyin' devils, the lot of you.

Okay, you both need to leave.

I mean, look at you.

You're running about with clubs.

You're wearing rags. He's shouting at the sea.

Back on the mainland, you wouldn't have to do any of that.

Your lives would be easier.

You'd be healthier.

Come with me. We'll set you up in a lovely new house.

It'll be great.

I've had enough o' your tricksome lies.

Let's finish this.

No!

I like Daniel!

I like his hair and his hands.

They're soft and damp like morning moss.

Okay.

Sandy, that's enough.

-Come back from the edge. -Daniel can't leave.

And if he does, then...

...then I will bash my own heid in

with this rock until I'm dead.

All right. Go on, then.

No!

No! Sandy!

Isla? Isla?

Crap.

Come on, Sandy. Come on.

Come on.

Daniel, you can swim.

Let's give oor thanks.

Right, have your fill.

Do you no like gull?

Um...

I'm vegan.

Right.

And what is that?

I-I don't believe in eating meat.

But it's real. It's right there. Look.

No, I-I believe it exists.

I just don't believe in eating it.

Do you believe in fish?

Of course. I just don't eat them.

What aboot puffins?

-Do you believe in puffins? -Yes.

They're real. I've seen them.

I bit the head off a puffin once.

So, how could I do that if it wasn't real?

To be clear...

I do believe in all of the animals.

I just don't believe in eating any of them.

If you don't eat meat, how do you keep your health?

There's more variety on the mainland.

There's fruit, vegetables,

potato croquettes.

So you don't get bored of the same stuff, you know?

Speak more about variety, Daniel.

Okay, well...

variety is one of the many advantages of mainland life.

You can have whatever you want.

Like avocados or...

- What's avocados? - Oh, man.

They taste great, and they're good for you, too.

-They make you strong. -Ooh. Where are they found?

I think they're grown on, like, bushes or something.

Ah, so you don't know?

I do know where they come from.

I just don't...

I think it's, like, Brazil or something.

Mm. 'Cause we know where this bird came from.

We pulled it from the sky.

Yeah, but it doesn't matter where avocados come from,

because you can just buy them from the shop

or order them online.

What's online?

Oh, God. Um...

Right.

Online is the Internet.

Anything you want at the touch of a button.

I want that.

-No, we have enough! -How does an Internet work?

How does it work?

Well...

Sounds like you don't know that, either.

-I do know. -Sounds like you don't know

much about anything.

I do know. It's, like...

It's beamed out via Wi-Fi and stuff.

-So, in a way... -Wi-Fi?

Yes. The Internet's all around us, right?

-What if we get caught in it? -No, we...

No, we alre... we already have an Internet.

-Do we? -Mm-hmm. Yep.

It's massive.

It's bigger than the mainland one.

- Really? - Yeah. Um...

The-the Internet that we have, it's so big,

ye can fit a hundred potato crows.

It's potato croquettes.

We don't have an Internet.

-You're lying, Isla. -Am not!

You're lying 'cause Daniel knows things that you don't.

Don't... Let's not...

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Stop fighting. Please stop fighting.

You're not stronger than me.

I would be if I had avocados.

You might think Auk Isle belongs only to us.

But you'd be wrong.

This island...

and the sea round aboot it...

...belongs to someone else.

It belongs to the Fin Men.

Sandy.

Spoilers.

I'm sorry.

Fin Men are murky folk, big soggy buggers.

Known to steal lost seafarers doon into the deep.

Long ago,

fishermen from our Auk Isle were visited by a Fin Man.

The fishermen were so feart they browned their pants!

The Fin Man said this was their island

and if the men wished to stay,

then they had to pay a price.

An islander had to give themselves to the sea.

To the Fin Men.

The islanders thought long and hard.

There was much frownin'.

Then a village elder offered himself up

so that his kin might remain.

He was old and he was gonna die anyway,

so it wasn't that sad.

They dragged him into the gloom, where he remained.

But thanks to his sacrifice,

the islanders could stay here.

Oor dad gave himself to the Fin Folk.

-Shh! -But he did.

He gave himself to the sea so that we could stay.

That's oor business, Sandy.

Why don't you tell us a mainland story, Daniel?

He doesn't have any stories,

except for the one where he's a wizard, which was a lie.

Saying he was a wizard when he wasnae.

I do know a story.

- What? Your own story? - Yeah.

It's about a wee guy...

called Frodo.

And a very powerful...

uh, application form.

The one form to rule them all.

And so Frodo, right, he has to go on an epic quest

to the heart of Mordor... burgh Council.

To destroy it.

And I call this tale The Lord...

...of the Local Authority.

Sounds stupid.

Gandalf, right?

Badass wizard and senior policy advisor.

He's up on the roof of head office, and it's the showdown.

-The big fiery devil thing. -The Balrog, Head of Finance.

Yes, he's trying to get into the building,

right, to kill all the Fellowship.

Gandalf's like, "No chance, mate.

There's a line in the sand."

Balrog's like, "I'm coming for him."

He's like, "No, you're not." He's like, "I am."

Gandalf goes, "Stop it."

Boom! Like that with his stick, right?

He goes, "You shall not pass!"

Everyone's like, "Oh, my God."

And it's so epic and amazing, right,

that the fiery devil thing, he sort of, like,

falls off the roof, and everyone goes, "Oh!"

Gandalf goes, "Yes!" Everyone goes, "Come on!"

And then the big fiery devil thing,

his fiery whip comes up, right?

Lashes Gandalf's leg.

And it pulls him off the roof, too.

No!

Yes. Yes.

Then what happens?

You'll have to wait for part two.

And you wrote this story yourself?

Yes.

I did, yes. Yes, all by myself.

It is the best story that I've ever, ever heard

in the history of stories.

You know, there's more stories just like that on the mainland.

Right.

That's enough stories for tonight.

Aw.

-Time for bed. -Ugh.

It's all right. We can...

We can do more tomorrow.

Good night, Daniel.

You shall not pass!

Better get back to the shed... where I sleep.

In the cold.

And damp.

You can sleep here, just for tonight.

Do you have more stories, then?

Oh.

Yeah. I suppose.

-Did you like my story? -I did.

Aye, it's a good one. It's likely better than yours.

Oh.

-Thanks for the bed. -Aye, well...

Don't touch oor things or we'll murder you.

-Okay. -We'll bash your head in,

and we'll cover your nose and mouth with our hands.

-All right. -And then we'll maybe

-bury you up to your neck... -I understand. I understand.

...and Sandy will kick your head off...

-No, I understand. -...and he'll make you eat it.

-Night night. -Night.

Oh, the lamp.

Um...

Oh.

Calum.

Thank you for coming in so late.

Hope I didn't drag you away from anything important.

I was eating some corned beef,

but I finished it on the bike ride over.

Very good.

Now, I need you to go to Auk Island.

It seems that Daniel has got himself

into a wee bit of bother.

I thought I was to stay in the office

on account of the investigation.

No, you don't need to worry about all that.

Now, the fact of the matter is

these islanders do not belong there, and, um...

it doesn't look good, especially with

the chief executive, who is due to retire soon,

leaving the position open for...

...the right person.

We don't want any loose ends now, do we?

No, ma'am, we do not.

Remove those islanders.

Do whatever it takes.

Get them off.

I'll get them off, all right.

I'll get them off...

real hard.

Where are we going? What are we doing?

What are you doing?

What's going on?

Whoa, whoa. Hang on. Hang on.

No, I don't... No, no, I don't...

No, no!

Daniel of Mainland,

you have been chosen.

We, the Gulls of Auk Isle,

who soar the cliffs and hunt the waves,

challenge you to our most ancient

and sacred tradition, the Way of the Gull.

Aye, the Way.

A thing we've always done

and haven't just made up this morning.

These tasks will test your skill,

strength and cunning.

You will sweat.

- You will bleed. - You will be naked.

What? No, he won't be naked.

You will have no trousers.

He will have trousers, Sandy.

You might have trousers.

If you can weather the storm, then,

and only then,

will you earn the right to call yourself

a true Gull of Auk Isle.

And after, you can tell us more stories.

So, Daniel of Mainland,

will you take the Way of the Gull?

-No. -Aw. What?

Do you know what? This is absurd.

I want no part of it.

Oh, please, Daniel.

We just...

We think you're really great,

and we want to make you one of us.

No, no, he has to do the Way first.

We can't just... we're not just making him a Gull.

It's, like, not how it works.

-Shut up, Isla! -You shut up!

Please, Daniel.

Then we can all be friends.

What's he do... What's he doing to me?

Daniel of Mainland, if you're to prove yourself

a true Gull of Auk Isle,

you must ride the wind like one.

What's she doing?

Oh, God. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

Aw, go on.

No, I'm not doing that. Sorry, I'm not... I...

It's just I've got...

Heights. I can't.

I can't do that. Sorry.

I can't.

You can, Daniel.

-I hope he doesn't die. -Mm.

Oh, my God!

I'm flying.

Yes, Daniel!

You did it!

-I did it! -You did it!

I did it. I flew.

I flew! Oh, my God.

Whoo!

Wh-What's that?

You made this for me?

Aye.

You're now a Gull of Auk Isle.

Sam looks at Frodo, and he says,

"I can't carry the form, Mr. Frodo,

but I can carry you."

Sam loves Frodo so much.

He does.

So Sam hoiks Frodo up on his shoulders,

and he humphs him up 15 flights of stairs.

There's no air con,

but together they cast the form

into the paper shredder.

And with one final beeping jam...

A lot of paper.

It's done.

Wow.

Lord of the Local Authorityis an awfy good story.

Folk must ask you to tell it to them all the time.

I don't really tell stories on the mainland.

But... the mainlanders, they must adore you

for your word weaving.

Oh, I don't know.

I think some people think I'm a bit of a weirdo

just 'cause of all the wizard stuff, so...

I just keep myself to myself.

These folk, they treat you harshly.

We could kill them.

We just round them up, crack their skulls.

Sandy could pull off their arms and legs.

I would do that for you, Daniel.

Thank you.

Mainlanders don't sound very nice.

Oh, it wouldn't be that way for you.

You can weave all your nice words aboot the mainland,

but you've yet to tell us one thing

that's better than what we have here.

Right.

What are you doing?

I'm teaching you how to swim.

Come on.

I'll show you.

No, I've decided. No. No.

I've decided no.

It's okay.

You can do it.

You go first.

All right, I'm gonna float.

-Ready? -Mm-hmm.

-Are you floating? -I'm floating.

Okay. So what do I do?

You walk to me, okay?

-And you do the same thing. -Okay.

-One, two, three. -Two, three.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

- Was that fast? - Yes. Definitely.

-I'm doing it. I'm doing it. -Yeah, you're doing it.

Okay. No, you're good, you're good, you're good.

Go like that. Like that.

That's it. Really good. Really good. Keep going.

Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

Wa-hey!

Get me out!

Aah! Get me out!

You're okay. You're okay.

You're okay. What's up?

What's wrong? What's wrong?

Get me out! Get me out!

You're all right. Stop.

You're okay. What's wrong?

It's time to go home.

I'm going to run to the hoose.

See if you can catch me, Daniel.

What? What?

I didn't say anything.

Aye, your eyes are saying things.

Looking at me, full of questions.

It's just my eyes, I think.

They're awfy loud.

-My eyes are loud? -Aye, keep the noise doon.

Okay.

Wow.

Mum called them "The Merry Dancers."

They're fairy folk.

She said that if you're lucky...

...you can catch them doon here,

lighting up the dark with their glow.

What happened to your mum?

Sh-She died.

Sorry.

How'd it happen?

Mainland.

But she's... she's up there now.

Wi' the dancers.

Must have been hard.

Being left so young, just you and Sandy.

I like your... your stories.

I also like... your stories, so right back at you.

No!

Aah! No, no!

Your face, it just came at me.

Oh, God. Oh, it's bleeding. It's gushing.

Well, why was your face coming at me that fast?

I was trying to kiss you.

I-I was trying to kiss you.

Oh, oh, shut up, Daniel!

Savages.

Hello?

Daniel?

I told you to shut up!

Sandy, you know you're not to be sneaking aboot my shed.

Submit in the name of the North Eastern Scottish Council.

Get off me, woman!

You...

Morning, my wee sleepy man.

Sit yourself doon.

I'll fix you some breakfast.

Ooh...

Big boy.

Now eat up.

You'll need your strength.

Why will I need my s...

Isla, why will I need my strength?

Morning.

I'm taking Daniel oot today.

Lovely. Where are we off to?

No, it's just me and Daniel.

And me, Sandy.

No, you're not coming.

Till later.

At all.

What am I doing?

Whatever you want, but I'm spending time wi' Daniel.

I want to spend time with Daniel.

Well, he's spending time with me.

I can spend time with both of you.

- No, you can't. - Okay.

Hold on. So you're spending time together withoot me?

What are you gonna do?

None of your business.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I don't like this at all.

You'll be fine.

Go throw rocks, catch some birds or sing a song.

You don't need us to keep you busy. Come on.

Come on.

Uh, bye.

Oh...

If you hate this job, why do you do it?

I don't hate it.

-You... -No.

Sometimes, when I feel like

I'm actually helping people, you know?

Well, it seems awfy daft to be...

spend your life feeling miserable.

Well, you're pretty wise

for someone who dresses up as a bird.

Do you have a woman?

What?

We've wandered into their nesting grounds.

Jesus Christ. What-what's wrong with these birds?

They think we're after their eggs.

Wha... But I'm vegan.

-Go! -I'm vegan. I'm-I'm vegan.

I'm vegan!

Stop. No, I need to... I've got to stop.

-Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. -No, no, no, it's okay.

No, it's okay.

Oh, God.

I just threw half of next season's crop away.

No, no, I'm... I'm glad you did.

It was getting a bit Hitchcock back there.

A bit what?

-Hitchcock. -Hitchcock. Hitchcock.

I like your words.

They make me feel like...

...there's sunshine in my bones.

Oh. Thanks.

Uh, I like the way that you've survived

on an island for 30 years.

Hello!

Wait, what?

-Why did you stop? -What's... What's that?

Is anybody there?!

Oh. Oh, that's just another incomer.

- What? Really? - Hello!

Yeah. I caught him last night.

He tried to attack me, so I just cracked his skull

and tied him up.

Well, what are you gonna do with him?

Well, I can't just free him, 'cause he'll bring more.

Hello!

I could just let him starve.

Oh, speaking of starving,

Sandy will need his afternoon snack.

Come on.

-This way. -Okay.

Calum?

Daniel!

Why are you... Wha... What happened?

Quick, there's a crowbar in that bag.

-Careful with that urine. -God.

Why have you got urine?

Urine can stave off dehydration

in survival situations.

You can't have been here that long.

What, so I'm just supposed to wait till I'm dying of thirst

before I drink my own urine? Is that it, Daniel?

That seems like the only time you should do that.

Yes.

Crowbar!

Right.

Oh.

God.

Come on!

Hang on.

You arrived here yesterday.

Did you bring this urine with you?

I had to fill them whilst I was hydrated, didn't I?

If I wait till I'm dehydrated,

I won't have the fluids to fill them with.

So I filled them up at home and brought the urine with me.

What's the problem, Daniel?

Why didn't you just bring water?

So, this is a sensitive situation.

You see, I've made some pretty good inroads with the tenants.

Oh, Daniel. Oh, no.

You've let them get into your head, haven't ya?

Right, you sit tight, okay?

-No. -I'll be back in good time.

At least pass me some urine!

Bye, now.

What are you doing?

I'm making myself look nice.

Well, you look like an idiot.

I don't have time for this.

Daniel and I are having a romance.

-No, you're not. -We are.

I touched his face, and I rubbed myself on him,

and it was beautiful.

I rubbed myself on Daniel, too, when we did the trials.

Yeah, well, that's not real romance, is it?

When I rubbed myself on him, he liked it.

Daniel gave me a banana!

Hmm. Did he give you banana?

It's my romance!

Not yours.

I finally got something for me,

and the best thing is it doesn't involve you.

I don't like you being like this.

Yeah, well, I'm tired of hearing about what you like.

30 years, I've done everything for you.

Well, now it's time for me to have what I want,

and I want a life wi' Daniel,

and I don't want you to be a part of it.

-Hi. Come on. -So, um...

-Let's go. Come on. -Listen, we... Oh.

Just need to have a quick chat.

Okay.

Look, um...

I took a bit of a stroll.

You look lovely.

I know.

These... are some bottles.

We used to burn everything that washed up onshore,

but I was just curious about what it all was.

Like this thing.

-Oh. -This...

-Jesus Christ. -Yeah.

I think it's a weapon.

I wouldn't touch that.

Stretchy.

What's that?

Oh, that's my mum's old stuff.

Is this her?

Mm-hmm.

She was from the mainland.

She used to go back from time to time.

My dad didn't like it.

How did she die?

She was poorly.

She said to Dad that she had to go back

to the mainland for help.

He didn't want her to leave.

Then it got worse.

And she went away, and we never saw her again.

Hmm.

Dad said if she hadn't left the island,

she'd probably still be alive.

And he burnt our boat that night.

And then the next morning, we started training.

Guard the isle.

Allow no incomer.

Survive.

We should probably talk about the guy you've got tied

-to a radiator. -Let's get married.

What?

It's-it's... No, it's quite suitable.

You're... you're an islander now.

And we can start a family.

And we can tell stories here forever on Auk Isle.

You... you want me to stay here?

Aye.

And I'll bear you 12 children.

-12? -Well, we're bound to lose

some of them to starvation or wind.

And then a seal could eat a baby while we slept.

And Sandy will probably kill one, so...

Uh, Isla, you...

...you can't stay here.

What? Why?

'Cause you should come to the mainland with me.

You'd love it.

There's so much there for you. There's so much more.

There's more people than you can imagine.

There's... they've got more stories

than you could ever hope to hear.

And you could even... you could tell your stories.

And they're brilliant. People would love them.

People would love you.

Trust me. People would love you.

You could... you'd be...

You'd be happy there.

Are you happy?

-On the mainland? -Mm-hmm.

Well... are you?

Yes.

You come in here to my mystery hutch,

a place of wonder

and questions and curious beauty,

and you just... y-you spill your lies

all over the floor like spoiled oats!

Isla, you can't just live on an island forever

telling stories and violently assaulting

anyone who washes up onshore.

Get out! Out!

There is no place for you here and your rotten oat lies!

Stupid Daniel, stupid words.

Everything he says is stupid.

We'll smash your skull like a bird's egg!

Roz, send the evac crew.

Sandy.

What's wrong?

I love you.

But you don't love me.

You love Isla.

Nobody loves Sandy, and I don't want to be alone,

so I've decided that the best thing for me to do is

to squeeze the life out of you and eat your dead body.

What?

Then you'll be a part of me forever,

and Isla won't have you for herself.

No. No, no, no, no.

-Sandy, wait. Wait. No, no. -It's okay. It's okay.

-No, no. -It's okay.

I-I've never eaten a person before,

but I'm fairly sure I'll be able to hear your thoughts,

so you won't be lonely.

Sandy, I said no. No!

It's okay.

Just relax.

We'll be together soon.

They're coming!

They're on their way!

Soon you'll experience the might

of the North Eastern Scottish Council.

What happened?

Who was that?

Another incomer.

I tied him up.

Hold on.

You had another incomer in here all to yourself?

Were you romancing him as well?

Sandy.

It wasn't like that!

Wait, wait, Sandy. The incomer...

He's bringing more. They're coming!

Sandy!

He tried to kill me.

Isla.

He tried to kill me.

All right.

The sooner you both get off this island, the better.

Aye, away you go. Back to the...

Back to the mainland where... where you're all sad and alone.

And I'm not leaving!

My mum died because she went there.

No, she died because she stayed here.

Maybe if your mum was able to get help sooner,

she might have lived.

No. No, she wouldn't, because...

-because my dad said... -No, your dad was mental!

People don't give themselves to the sea.

I'm sorry, Isla, but I don't think he told you the truth

about a lot of things.

That's it. There ye go.

Might be a wee bit cold at first, but... that'll pass.

Soon... you'll be all warm and comfy.

No need to worry about food or Sandy or...

incomers taking your isle.

It's what your father would have wanted.

What aboot what I wanted?

'Cause maybe I didn't want to stay here.

Maybe I wanted my dad.

Ah, you know the deal, puffin.

Every generation, one of you must gi' yerselves to the sea.

To me.

But that's not true.

Is it?

That's just a story.

You cannae hide fae this.

One day you will step in the water

just like your father did!

You owe me!

And you'll pay the price!

You must pay the price!

Come on.

Come on!

Come on.

I know you're upset wi' me.

Uh...

I think I've been...

...hearing the wrong stories.

I've been listening to the incomer with his shiny words

comin' oot his... stupid kissy lips.

And I've...

I've forgot what's... kept us safe.

I'm sorry.

I was being stupid.

I was being stupid as well.

I tried to murder Daniel

so I could eat his body and hear his thoughts.

I don't know if I do really love him.

I think I just want to look at his bum.

Here.

Be careful wi' it.

Roz. Roz, I'm here!

What are you doing?

Where are your clothes?

Well, this is... tactical camouflage.

Hey, Roz.

Just take me to the squatters.

Maybe we should talk about how to...

Now.

There's an awfy lot of them.

We'll have to split them up.

What aboot Daniel?

He's just another incomer.

So, I set an ambush, but she countered my ambush.

My guard was off. Anyway, I set a second ambush.

All right.

The second ambush was successful.

You see, ambushes are like anything else.

-Mm-hmm. -The more you ambush,

the better you get.

Was that a person dressed as a bird?

That is one of the island residents, yes.

Okay.

No. No, wait.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This is... this is their home.

These are illegal tenants

that will be removed from this island

if we have to drag them off, squawking, by their wings.

With respect, Roz, you have a duty of care to...

I don't know what I was thinking sending you.

You are an itchy wee man with weak, noodly muscles.

I don't see what my appearance has to...

If you're not gonna help us, then move aside.

-Ah, that's nice. Mm. -Yeah.

I made it myself.

It's pretty easy when you know how.

All you need is, uh, a bathtub and something to infuse.

Hmm. I can make chicken wings,

sausage, beef stroganoff, beef...

Bolognese, um...

Hello!

Over here.

Who's that?

It's me, a tiny man.

Kev, is that you?

You're supposed to be checking the hoose.

It's not Kev. It's a tiny man.

And I've got bananas.

Tam, you all right?

Tam?

Who did this to you?

Get her!

Stop!

You shall not pass!

Sandy!

Don't touch my sister!

Daniel?

What on earth are you doing?

Get off me!

Get off my hand! Get off my hand!

Come on. Come on.

Come on, come on, come on!

Come on.

To the hoose!

Go!

Get them!

What? What is it?

Stay inside.

What?

Come on. Come on.

Daniel.

What the hell are you wearing?

Oh, um, it's from the Trials of the Gull.

It's an ancient initiation ceremony, uh...

Oh, shut up.

I am embarrassed for you.

I'm-I'm actually... I'm embarrassed for all of us.

I mean, whatever this is, it's... it's weird.

No.

I've spent years thinking I'm weird

'cause I like wizards and writing my own fan fiction

about a bunch of hobbits who must defeat the Predator.

That is weird. They're wildly different franchises.

Actually, no, 'cause, technically,

Middle-earth is our prehistory, so it's all the same universe.

And, anyway, you know what? I don't care what you think.

I don't care what any of you think.

Maybe I am weird.

But who cares, right?

Come on.

-We're all weird. -I'm not weird.

You're so weird.

You brought four gallons of your own piss to this island.

It's a recognized survival technique.

Can we all just stop being mental?

And just move aside, Daniel.

I will not move aside.

We have a job to do.

And that job is to serve our constituents.

I started working for the council

'cause I wanted to help people.

But...

I just seem to spend all my time making their lives worse.

This is for their own good.

- Is it? - Uh-huh.

Have you asked any of them what they want?

Or are they just problems to be solved

on your way up the ladder?

Your approach to this is wrong.

And I'm pretty sure your superiors would agree with me

were I to share with them the fact that you sent

a currently suspended employee who is out of his bloody mind

to attack your constituents.

Now, I'm going in that house,

and all of you will wait here until I return.

We're not leaving.

Okay.

Well, what do you mean, "Okay"?

I mean...

If you decide that you want to stay...

...then I'll stand by you.

But is that what you want, Isla?

The mainland... it's not perfect.

I can't tell you what to do.

But please don't decide because you're scared

of all the bad things that might happen.

Choose because of all the good things that could happen.

I wish I could.

I do.

But I don't think I can.

It's all right.

Isla.

Since Dad left,

you've hardly smiled even one time.

But since Daniel came,

I've seen you do at least four smiles.

I want you to be happy.

Both of you.

But we cannae all stay together

because we havenae paid the price.

So...

I know what I have to do.

Sandy!

Isla!

Sandy!

Isla? Isla?

No!

- Come on. Come on. - It's all right.

- Come on. - Come on.

No.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

- He's all right. He's okay. - It's okay. It's okay.

-It's okay. It's okay. -It's okay.

It's okay. Sandy. Sandy. Sandy.

Sandy, time to get up.

Sandy, it's time to get up.

Get up, Sandy.

Sandy, please.

Please. Please.

Please.

We don't... we don't need this island.

We don't need this island.

Doesn't matter where we go.

You're my home.

You're my home.

You're my home.

Right, that's enough.

What'd you hit me for?

That was for being a big idiot!

Tell you who is an idiot: the sea.

You hear that, the sea?

You can't even kill anyone!

-Except for Dad, obviously. -Mm.

There was once two gulls.

A brother and a sister

who lived in a nest way out in the sea.

One day, the gulls met a wizard

from a land far away.

The wizard had magic powers.

And he wanted to take them back.

The brother and sister were terrible feart.

After all, they'd never left their nest in the sea.

But what kind of gulls would they be...

...if they didn't take flight?

The new land was odd and full of wonder.

This is it.

The gulls didn't know front from back.

But the wizard was true to his word.

He found a new nest where they could always see the sea.

The new nest wasn't bad

but was needing a few wee tweaks.

The wizard kept his job wi' the Wizard Council.

His evil wizard coworkers were punished

in an awfy serious Wizard Tribunal

led by Wizard HR.

And the brother found oot that not only was he a gull.

He was also a bear.

The sister told her tales of gulls and Fin Men.

Folk came from miles around to hear her.

"Sky blood or not, the sea remembers.

The sea remembers everything."

They said her tales were like no others.

And the wizard, he shared his stories, too.

Gandalf? No, Gandalf!

Even though his stories were, in fact,

stolen from other more gifted wizards.

That's odd.

I think they must have found my notebooks or something.

There were times when the sister would miss

her nest back in the sea.

So she'd fly back.

To feel the sand on her feet

and the air under her wings.

But much as it pleased her,

it wasnae home anymore.

Once again, Auk Isle belonged to the birds.

Besides, the brother and sister had a new nest now.

Full of smiles.

Maybe too many smiles.

Mainlanders smile a lot.

And when her face was tired

from all the smiling,

the sister would take her leave.

She could do that now.

Now...

she could fly wherever she pleased.