Original subtitles

Oh, baby, what I couldn't do With plenty of

money and you Despite the worry that

money brings Just a little filthy lucre buys a lot of things

And I could take you to places you'd like to go But outside

of that, I've no use Or don't.

It's the root of all evil.

Of strife and upheaval.

But I'm certain, honey, that life could be sunny.

With plenty of... Hi, may I help you? Yeah, I'm looking for a box of

chocolates. You know, uh,

something fancy, if you have it. Is it for a gift?

Yeah, yeah. I want something fancy and not too rich, you know, because, uh...

You know, she tends to put on a little blubber, the wife. Uh-huh. Around the

thighs. Well, what about this one?

It's really nice. It's kind of rich.

It's from Belgium.

Uh, from Belgium?

It's very pretty, don't you think? Yeah.

Hey, Frenchie, I'm home.

Who's that?

Who's that? Who do you... It's the Pope.

I always wanted to see your apartment.

Shh. For God's sakes, who comes home every night? I'm watching Princess

Diana.

Not again.

For God's sake, how many times are you gonna do that? Look at those clothes.

I told you, time and again. She got all that stuff discount.

You know, you think those kings and queens, you think they buy retail?

It's a no... Hey, here.

I got you some chocolates.

Chocolates?

You heard of chocolates? These are chocolates. I got you chocolates. How

come?

What do you mean, how come? I got your... These are from Belgium. They're

handmade by Belgiumites. Tell it to the Marines.

You're up to something.

You get caught hitting on a waitress?

Hey, in 25 years of marriage, have I ever hit on anybody but you?

Well, I don't buy it, Ray. You got a scheme.

You got a scheme. Come on. All right, forget it. Get me dinner. They're not

for you. They're not for you. I got you nothing.

Get me... Just get me dinner. I want my dinner. I want it right now. And hurry

up.

Before you make dinner, I got to talk to you about something, though.

Here comes the commercial.

Frenchie, I need our 6,000 bucks.

What?

I gotta have our six Gs.

That's our whole savings.

I know. Don't get dramatic about it. Come on, Ray. Six Gs. That's all we got,

right? Frenchie, I got a brilliant idea. I'm gonna make us rich.

How you gonna make us rich? Rob a bank?

How'd you know that?

That's fantastic.

How'd you guess that?

What? That's fantastic. First shot on the box. You got it.

Is that why Tommy Beal's coming over and Denny?

Frenchie, what would you say if I told you that you were married to a very

brilliant man?

I'd say I'd have to be a bigamist.

This is foolproof.

Foolproof. You told me you were finished with that life.

I've been finished with it, but look at me. I kick around from stupid little job

to job. You like the way we're living, Frenchie? Yeah, well, it beats your

former residence. You think I like spending our anniversary staring at you

through glass, talking over a phone?

Frenchie, you're stupid.

You stood by me. Yeah.

Granted, you stood by me. Two years in the joint I waited for you, and what did

I get for it? I know what you got. You got Belgian chocolates.

What's wrong with that?

Oh, God, Frenchie, I got an idea, and this is so incredible, but I need money

to get it done. We need seed money for this plan, and we need 18,000 bucks.

So Denny's kicking in six, and Tommy's kicking in six, and I gotta put in my

six? Where are those bums gonna get that kind of steak, Ray?

They're not bums. Maybe they didn't go to Harvard. Harvard? They never

completed kindergarten because they were drafted.

You know, you're such a snob, Frenchie, for God's sakes.

Denny's not stupid just because he drives a truck. No, he's stupid because

he has a low IQ.

Come on, out of the way. Oh, I'd like to just flatten you once.

Tommy's got street smarts. Yeah, he is street smart. His brain's got potholes.

You know, you're with the wisecracks. She's got the wisecracks. She's got an

answer for everything.

Yeah, well, forget it. I'm not spending our last few bucks.

I got my end. I told you I could match you. Well, you overmatched him. He can't

get his end.

Frenchie, I gotta have that money.

Yeah, for a heist pass.

Maybe if you needed a quadruple bypass. This is a brilliant thing, Tom. It's a

brilliant thing. No, Ray really is a genius, Frenchie. Compared to you, this

chair is a genius. No, seriously, this is a plan of a great mind. This is

precise, mathematical advance. It's hard to believe that you're just a

dishwasher.

Thank you.

Frenchie, I don't get your agreeance on this. I count to three. It's gonna be

trouble. You can count to 53, Ray, and you won't get it. I did a lot of nails

for that money, and it's all we got.

And that's what you want to do your whole life? Nails? Take a hike. Take a

hike, okay?

Frenchie, I'm telling you, I'm counting.

If I lose it, Frenchie, you're gone. I'm quaking in my pantyhose.

You're embarrassing me in front of my friends.

You said you could have one of my cookies.

I can't have a cookie? Guys, what's up?

Hey, did you get your share? My share of what?

Oh, yeah, I got it. I sold some stuff. What'd you sell? A rented car.

He can't get his end. I can't get my end. What are you telling him? She won't

give it to him. So I guess the candy didn't work then. You said you'd have

her eating out of your hand. Will you shut up or clean it around? All that's

missing from this guy is a piece of velvet and a pet mouse.

Frenchie, give me the money. Will you give me the money? I wouldn't invest our

last $6,000 if you had a legit idea, much less something that's gonna land

the three of you jerks back in stir.

You said you called the shots around here.

Hey, for God's... Will you knock it off? Jesus, this is...

Frenchie, that money's mine.

It's mine. I earned it, and I'm saving it for an emergency. But I'm your

husband. I'll take a hike.

Frenchie, I'm gonna get violent. I'm gonna get violent. Oh, yeah, please.

With your hernia?

Fellas, I can't do it. It's over. I can't. Forget it. Wait, wait, wait. You

said you're the boss.

Will you stop telling me what I said? For crying out loud, I...

Frenchie, it's over. Let the bank lay there. Let someone else do it. I gotta

get some air. I'm going up on the roof. Don't jump. You're too valuable as a

dishwasher. Knock it off.

Hey, Frenchie, can I have another cookie? No. I want one.

All right.

Tell me your idea.

Hey, I told you my idea. You shut it down. Are you going to tell me or are

you going to have a tantrum? For God's sakes. You know, Frenchie, for some

reason, you're always shooting down my dreams.

Because you get the kind of dreams that people get after putting opium in their

brownies, Ray.

Can I...

Can I, for one minute, tell you about this bank?

You're not a bank robber, Ray. You got a two-year mandatory vacation that proved

that. What I'm not is a stick-up man. That's all we proved.

When I hit that bank that time, you know, we were inexperienced. The whole

group of us, you know, put on rubber masks.

They were all Ronald Reagan masks.

So it was confusing. I didn't know who was who. You're lucky your lawyer knew

the judge.

Can I please tell you my idea, Frenchie?

I noticed a few weeks ago, a couple of doors down from the bank, there's a

pizza joint, that folder, you know, a little hole in the wall, and it's for

rent, Frenchie, it's for rent.

And then it hits me, Frenchie, and I'm no genius. Believe me, I'm no genius.

Yeah, you don't have to sell me.

What I figure is, we tunnel under. We take the pizza joint, we tunnel under,

we come up under the vault of the bank. Now, I know the layout because I used to

know a guard. I got diagrams, Frenchie. We clean out the vault, we go to

Florida. Ray, we're poor, but we're happy, ain't we? We're not happy. No,

you're always complaining.

Are you happy doing other people's cuticles?

Is that the way you want to spend your life? You know, my mother told me, she

said, don't get involved with a guy from the rackets.

Frenchie, what's wrong with you? We had dreams.

I don't know what's gotten into you.

Did we not have dreams when I first met you? Yes, granted, I was in the rackets.

I was running numbers.

You were an exotic dancer. We fell in love. Your parents didn't approve.

I tried to go legit, okay? I couldn't make a go at a pet cemetery. I know, I

know. What do you want me to do?

But, but, but, Richie, this pizza place is just waiting for us.

It's gonna look suspicious. A group of guys drilling in an empty store, you

know? No, it's not gonna be. That's where you come in. You front the place.

What? You front it. You make pizzas.

With what? I can't cook pizzas.

So you cook cookies. What's the difference? Well, you tell fortunes. You

look like a gypsy. We'll make it a travel agency. You work there, and we'll

tunnel under into the bank.

Oh, my God.

Frenchie. Come here. Come here.

You see this? See how beautiful this is? Yeah. You see what you're seeing out

there? It's not just New Jersey.

When we first met, there was a sunset. It was just like this. Remember that?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

In New Jersey, but in Colombia, there was an earthquake.

Sorry, but the location was taken by someone else. What?

They made a deal yesterday.

Told you if you waited too long... Who did?

Who took the place?

Give me... You got the name?

Mrs. Nettie Goldberg.

Oh, Jesus. For what? I believe a flower shop.

A flower shop?

It's a little old lady.

Her husband died recently, and she wants to make the joint into a flower shop or

something. That don't make no difference.

Somebody's still got to get to her. Yeah, but get to her and what? You know,

beg her, con her, trick her. I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to her

shop, and I'm going to threaten her. No, you can't threaten her. That's all we

need is you. Yeah, then we're dead. Don't do that. I got to talk to her. I

got to figure a way to talk to her. And say what? What are you going to say if

her husband just died? What are you going to say? You need a plan.

That's right.

I don't know. I got to figure something. I'll charm her. What are you going to

use for charm, Ray? Hey, will you knock it off? We're trying to be serious. It's

all master planned. You don't even have to lease.

Well, I'm going to get the lease, Frenchie. That's what this is about.

Guys, you guys are going to rob a bank and some little old lady has the joint

first. What a hoot, huh?

It's very funny.

I'm going to slam your head off.

Hey. Jesus. You know, the bank isn't even next to the pizza joint.

I told you that before. That's what's great.

That's what's great about it. Why? Because there's nothing suspicious.

The only thing suspicious is your sanity.

And when the hell did any of you guys dig a tunnel?

It's no big deal.

You know, I think you really underestimate Ray's personality. He's

definitely one of the most likable dishwashers I've ever met. That's right.

Hey, don't pay any attention to how we're gonna proceed.

Uh, I'm looking for Nettie Goldberg.

Who wants her?

Uh, I got something for her. I want to make her an offer. Big, big offer. Big

dough. Big dough.

Come on.

I'm Nettie Goldberg.

I know you.

You... You're Billy from cell block eight.

Oh. Oh, God, Ray.

Ray. Ray, how are you? You're looking at me like I'm a stranger. A small world.

I'm sorry. Come on in.

Look at a small world. You took the lease on that empty store?

Yeah. I'm going to open up a flower shop.

What the hell are you going to do with a flower shop?

Burn it down.

What do you mean burn it down? Are you still burning stuff down for insurance?

I burn everything. That's how I sent two kids through college.

That's crazy. There's no money in that.

You, you, Benny, you gotta come in with us.

Who's us?

What do you mean, who's us? What are you so suspicious for? Trust me, it's...

Remember my nickname when we were in a joint?

The brain?

The brain. That's what the guys used to call me, right?

But, Ray, that was sarcastic. No, that wasn't sarcastic. That was real. No, no,

it was sarcastic.

That wasn't. There was nothing sarcastic about it. No, really, it was. Benny, it

was real. That was the brain. No, wait, what?

It was sarcastic. It wasn't sarcastic. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

It was sarcastic.

Fellas, this is Benny. He's in.

Benny, looks like a cop to me. Yeah. How you doing?

Good, nice to meet you. You know you're working with a genius, right? Yeah, I

told him. I mean, we're all smart, but, you know, he wears glasses.

Yeah.

What's good? Pine, right?

Oak.

Redwood. Redwood is what the woodpeckers they peck on are supposed to be the

strongest. That makes good trees, right? Yeah.

Oh, this looks good.

Holy, look how long it is. We can build a house with this. Yeah, I mean, we're

just building a tunnel, right? Whoa, whoa.

I mean, or like a house. A house, yeah. This is good stuff, right?

How much is that?

A thousand bucks.

A thousand bucks a box?

Jesus. How many sticks in a box?

Fifty.

My God, this is...

This is robbery.

This is unbelievable.

What do we need all this dynamite for anyway?

What do you need the dynamite for? Just be careful.

And

I'd

like to call it off.

Could I have one of these and one of these?

Okay.

One of these?

Yeah, one of these. Okay.

You want a bag? No, that's okay. I haven't got a bag. I can find a bag.

That's fine.

You'll take them like this? Okay.

It's going to be a lot of work, fellas, believe me, but when it's over, we're

going to be all very well compensated. Who's going to work the drill?

What do you mean?

I don't know how to work a drill like that.

There's nothing to that.

Who's ever gonna work the drill, I'll tell you now, okay? It's gonna make a

lot of noise.

No, no. Hey, what do you think this is? This is where I get the big dough. We

wrap this blanket around it, it's fine.

You gotta know how to work a drill like that.

Hey!

I can't hear you!

Will you guys shut up?

What did you do, tear a wall down?

We ain't started yet.

What are you waiting for, the drilling season?

Hey, do me a favor. Go upstairs and bake, will ya? I, you know, I don't need

any help.

You got it? No, you better brace me. Okay, okay.

Chocolate cinnamon.

We're closed for Easter.

That was three months ago.

Greek Easter.

Well, that was two months ago.

Chinese Easter. We're closed, okay?

I'd like a cookie for my daughter, please, honey. What kind do you want?

All right, all right. Come on, have a cookie. Yeah, sure, take a cookie. Here

you go. How you doing?

Oh, hi.

You still open?

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

Would you give me two cherry cinnamon?

Oh, cherry cinnamon, right.

New here, huh?

Just opened today. Yeah.

What's all that noise in the back? Oh, that's the cookie press.

Needs oil, you know.

There's a slight leak. This is the plumber.

I'm the plumber. There's a tiny leak.

Excuse me. What do I owe you? Oh, no charge. No charge. Thanks a lot. Take it

easy. I gotta get some sandbags.

Oh, the cookies. They're 85 cents.

Somebody get the sandbags. Relax.

You're a perfect fit. Where the hell are the sandbags? Let's go back.

Okay, so we got off to a shaky start.

Yeah, I'd say it was shaky, yeah.

Frenchie, there's gonna be glitches. No question about it. So what?

Tomorrow, bring a bathing suit.

I'm not discouraged, you know, because I don't get discouraged.

You know, there was a woman on before. She's got over 200 pairs of shoes.

Hey, don't worry. You're gonna get yours, Frenchie. I promise you. You're

gonna be fine. This time, a month or two, we'll be in Miami. It'll be great.

A patron of the arts.

Don't that sound great?

Opening night at the opera.

I love you, Frenchie. Can I tell you this? I love you. You know why? Because

you back me all the time. Because you stand by me.

You know when I first knew I loved you?

This was a long time ago. If you remember this, I taught you how to open

a safe by moving the tumblers. You listen to tumblers. And you got it. You

got it.

You're a very romantic man.

And I'm a very lucky woman because not many wives get to see their husbands

battling a ruptured water main.

Crazy about you. Crazy about you, darling.

Put it in the bag.

I'll give it to you. He puts it in the bag. Right, so it don't make no noise.

What the hell are you guys doing? What are you putting in his shovel for? He

puts it in the bag.

It's teamwork.

Save energy.

What are

you stopping for?

What am I stopping? I'm trying to figure this out. I think according to this,

we're supposed to take a left turn. So that doesn't mean stop. Let's go.

What the hell are you doing?

What do you mean, what am I doing?

You got your hat on backwards.

Yeah, so?

What do you mean, so? It's as if the flashlight goes in the front.

Yeah, but it looks cooler like this.

What are you, a jerk? What do you mean it looks cooler? It's a lot more stylish

than that. Look at that.

You think so?

Yeah, turn it around.

This is chic like this.

Yeah, look at that.

That's cool.

You got a mirror?

No, I don't got a mirror. That looks good. Look at yourself. That looks good.

I'll show you when we get out.

All right. Can you keep going, please? All right, all right. I'm trying to

figure the map out.

So

what

are you guys going to do with your shit, huh?

How much is my share?

Well, I figure it's got to be two million, right?

I'm counting the jewelry in there, too.

Well, then divide it four ways. That's a half million bucks apiece.

What about Frenchie?

What about Frenchie? She's just a friend.

Yeah, but without Frenchie, we're dead.

Come on, we can get any broad to sell cookies.

All right, you know what I say? She gets a share, but not a full share.

I'd go for that, yeah.

Yeah, what if we each get a fourth and she gets like a third?

What, are you nuts?

Then she'd be getting more than us.

How do you figure?

I said, where are you gonna get four-fourths and a third?

Can't you add?

I don't do fractions, all right?

Come on, fellas, let's not get greedy over here. Because you remember that

movie with Humphrey Bogart when they're digging for gold in the mountains, huh?

And they find the gold and they all get rich.

And then this guy goes nuts and he turns on his friends. Let's not let that

happen here. That's right. Then he gets killed by these Hispanics, right? What

is it? The Treasure of the... Treasure Island. Treasure Island.

That's right. That was a good movie, right? Oh, the best.

Okay, folks, here's the deal.

I'm out of cookies, okay?

Okay, okay.

It'll be like another two minutes, so that's the way the cookie crumbles,

okay? Okay, I've got one cookie left. You know who's gonna eat this? You know

who's gonna eat this? Me.

I gotta put on help.

Help?

Yeah, I can't handle the volume.

What am I, a second person you want to put on?

I can't help it, Ray. The cookies are selling.

Oh, gee, I never counted on that, Frenchie. I mean, you know, you gotta

manage it somehow.

What about my cousin May? We can trust her.

May's a dodo. I'm gonna bring a dodo into a master plan?

She's not a squealer.

She's not a squealer, but then we have to cut her in. Meanwhile, the pot's

getting smaller and smaller. Well, I can't cook and sell at the same time.

It's a madhouse. We'll get caught.

Hey, wait a minute. You know what we could do?

We could hire May and not tell her what we're doing.

And, you know, she'll never catch on. She's got, you know, and... Or making

enough dough from the cookies to pay her. Absolutely.

We give her a small salary, she'll never figure out how to catch wise to

anything. You know, because if you think Denny and Tommy are slow, your cousin

May is dumb like a horse or a dog or something. She's... Well, maybe it's not

such a great idea.

No, I think we could do it.

So where are you? You're supposed to be here.

Excuse me.

Where's the sugar? Frenchie wants some more sugar.

Hey, May, will you stop bothering us? We're busy here.

I just don't understand about the drilling.

I told you about the... We're... Business is good. We're expanding.

Yeah, well, we're expanding a little restaurant and a tea shop so people

could eat the cookies and drink a little tea.

Uh, well, where are they gonna drink the tea? In the tunnel? Yeah, I'd explain it

to you, but, you know, you gotta understand engineering.

Oh. What's engineering?

Hey, May, do me a favor, will you? I told you business is good. We're

expanding. It's all you got to know. But how can you expand? There's a nail shop

next door.

We made a deal with them. We're offering big money. So you're expanding into the

nail shop?

May, get your stuff. You want the sugar?

Hey, take a hike. Get the sugar and go. We'll call you.

This broad's big trouble, I'm telling you.

You think it's safe having that strange broad around here? Don't worry, she's

harmless. I think we made a wrong turn. I don't think we're still headed to the

bank. Oh, please.

Give me the map. Give me the map. What are you talking about? Give me the map.

For God's sakes.

This is fine. I don't know what you're all in a dither about.

You're holding it upside down.

I am?

You were reading this map upside down all along?

Hey, get off my back, will you? Can I help if they print these things like

this?

Okay. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I got to get another plate of

the cherry.

Can I help you? Who's next? I'm coming right back.

Can I get two cherry cinnamon?

How you doing?

We're doing something right.

Sure, two cherry cinnamon.

Hey, you're new here, huh?

Uh, not really. This is my first day.

Let me tell you something. These are the greatest cookies I ever tasted.

Oh, really?

You know, we're expanding.

No kidding.

Uh, yeah, no, there's some guys in the back working right now. We got a tunnel

under the nail shop.

Really? Yeah, yeah. Did you try the pecan fudge? You know, we were just

talking about what an instant success this place is. Yeah, I was telling them

about the restaurant.

What restaurant?

Here's a tea room. You know, the guys in the back tunneling for the tea room

under the nail shop. What tea room? What are you talking about?

The tea room in the back. Coming through.

Coming through.

We're at the Sunset Bake Shop, where the lines wait patiently for what some

people are calling the most fabulous cookie treat in New York. Excuse me,

what the hell is going on here? And you are the heart and soul of Sunset

Cookies, Miss... Frenchie Winkler. Well, my real name's Frances, but everybody

calls me Frenchie, so... As one stands here, one can inhale the aroma of...

Chocolate, cinnamon, fresh cherries, and a dozen other mouth-watering taste

treats. Is it true that customers wait online for half an hour for a circus

cookie that you've had to ration sales? Yeah, well, it happened like once,

right? But, you know, what do you make all the fuss about? Dennis, where did

you learn the rare secret of your baking? Well, I don't know. The only

thing I can cook, that and linguine with turkey meatballs.

Sir, sir, how would you describe your cookie?

Oh, I don't know. It's beg with nutmeg or something.

I just know it's great.

I just want to say that we're expanding and there are men in the back right now

tunneling. I can't take this, Frenchie. We don't want this kind of attention.

Well, don't look at me. I didn't hire a publicity agent. They just showed up. I

know, but it's really putting us in the toilet.

I mean, I can't concentrate. There's people up there demanding cookies every

day. And then he got bit by a rat. We had to give him rabies shots.

Who, the rat?

Very funny. You should be on TV.

I am. Open your eyes.

Oh, Grinchy, I don't like this.

Come on, you've been digging for weeks, you know, and you're going to get

somewhere. How much longer is it going to take? Hey, it's complicated.

We keep getting lost.

The other day I was deep in the tunnel, my hat went out. What, that stupid coal

miner's hat? That's right. It's a lifesaver, that hat, that bulb.

Well, we'd have done better just with a cookie store. I mean, we're making good

dough.

Making good dough.

It's a cookie store, but we're making dough. That's right.

It's a cookie store. We're making dough. I get it. I get it.

I knew we were going the wrong way. I knew it. What the hell are we doing in a

dress shop?

It's your fault. You got the maps. Oh, right. At least it's a Sunday. We can

patch this up and get out of here. How are we going to patch it up? We tile it

and we get out.

Oh, I'm not a tiler. We don't have any tiles.

Where do you get cement from in the middle of a dress shop? Besides, brain,

how are we going to close the hole and tile it? We're inside the store.

How do we get out?

Well, you tile it from your ass right. He's got a point. You can't tile this

from the other side, can you?

No, you can't. This is very discouraging, guys. You know, I'm ready

to pack this in. Everybody freeze.

Hey, Ray, your wife's cousin talks too much.

Sorry to spoil your expansion plans, fellas.

Officer, listen to me.

We didn't do anything yet. Yes, it's true. We were gonna, you know, rob the

bank, but we screwed up everything, except for the cookie shop. The cookie

shop's doing great for some reason. You like the cookies.

Let us forget everything we were gonna do and just concentrate on the cookie

store.

Hey, look, I'm not here trying to ruin anybody's life, okay?

Well, then give us a break.

Think I could get a little piece of the action?

Yeah, I'm not opposed to paying off the cops.

Well, it's a standard business expense.

Nah, see?

That's the thing. I don't want you to think of it as a payoff.

You know, I think I'm qualified to make what I believe is a major contribution

to this whole enterprise.

My brother-in-law majored in business.

Yeah, well, let us hear this contribution, all right?

One word.

Yeah, and that word is?

Franchise.

We got about 600 trucks, and, you know, we're all over the country and Canada,

and, you know, we make a lot of different cookies now, whatever you

want. We got pistachio, we got pretzels, we make chicken chip cookies, tuna mint.

Virtually overnight, the Winklers and their associates have gone from a small,

modest mom-and-pop cookie shop to something approaching a baking empire.

This is where we package everything, you know, and...

What we do is the cookies have a wonderful smell, a fresh smell, you

know? And that's all put on with a chemical spray.

We do that over here.

There's certainly no denying that he's refreshingly down-to-earth for a

corporate executive.

So offbeat, in fact, that Sunset Farms has captured the imagination of the

public and the industry.

We wanted to find out what the competition thinks, so we went to Paul

Milton of American Cookies.

The bottom line is they make a really great product.

and you have what the public wants, and everything else pretty much takes care

of itself.

This is your office?

Yeah, this is pretty much where I operate. You know, Frenchie decorated

this place. You can tell she's got, you know, all her stuff here. This is...

It's an antique, you know, she's just so like Louie the I don't know Louie the

14th or Louie the 15th You know, it's uh, it's uh, I don't know how high the

Louie's go actually, but it's it's only it's a top Louie It's one of the when

she's in French. She stuck a TV in it, you know, because she's got a you know a

creative She's a creative decorator. It's very original How much you worth?

Oh plenty plenty.

I mean how much just between you and me?

A lot, a lot. I mean, we worked a lot of dough. Everything, whatever you see is

antiques. You know, this is all, this is, this thing here, this is from, I

don't remember exactly.

I think it was the Renaissance or the Magna Carta or something, but that's

where it's from.

Why did you decide to go into baking so late in life?

Well, Frenchie, we found out, can make cookies.

The Frenchie they're talking about and reigning culinary genius of Sunset is

Frances Fox, who happens to be the wife of the CEO.

So you made cookies your whole life, and everybody told you how delicious they

were. Yeah, I thought they were BSing me, you know. Really?

Yeah. Yeah, because somebody gives you something they cooked, you know, you

always say you enjoyed it, even if it makes you throw up afterwards.

So, you know.

In a day and age where everyone seems to have public relations handlers, it's

hard to imagine a corporate brain trust that is more direct and less image

conscious than the group here at Sunset Farms. In fact, each person we met

seemed to be more eccentric than the last, like Tommy Walker, the chairman of

the board.

Frenchie makes the best cookies in the world. We're very proud of her cookies.

What are your duties as chairman of the board?

The board meets once or twice a week, and we take up important issues like

that. Issues?

Yeah, facts, problems, things like that, normal stuff, you know. What kind of

problems does an overnight success like Sunset Farms face?

What kind of problems? Last week, the toilet on the fourth floor wouldn't

flush. I mean it flushed, but the water kept coming to the top, like, you know.

So the board voted on getting a plumber.

One of the architects of Sunset Farms' unorthodox marketing strategy is the

head of advertising, Denny Doyle.

He's a former truck driver.

Was it you who came up with the idea to advertise the baked goods in Playboy and

Penthouse and Hustler magazine?

See, I figured if a guy is staring at a naked piece of tail and he sees the

breasts and the legs, he's going to start to salivate. I mean, it's human

nature. So if he's salivating, he turns the page and he comes across a picture

of, let's say, our pistachio cream cookies. He thinks maybe that's why he's

drooling. You understand?

It's psychology.

It's science. It's like a...

Pablo's theory, you know, with the dog, you know, when he feeds him? Pablo?

Pablo, with the dogs.

Then there's ex-police officer Ken DeLoach, vice president in charge of

distribution. And Benjamin Borkowski, vice president in charge of plant

safety. First thing I did was make sure the building was fireproof.

And lest they be accused of being a mostly male club, Mae Sloan is in charge

of public relations and also physical therapy.

I understand public relations.

But physical therapy?

Well, all the chocolate chips are put in the cookies by hand, and that's really

hard on the back and on the leg muscles.

I do deep massage.

By the way, she's also a vice president.

So there you have it, a brief glimpse into a corporate culture that has

industry leaders and management analysts all over the country scratching their

heads, trying to figure out what Sunset Farms might try next.

But it may be as simple as what Paul Milton, the Winkler's chief competitor,

said. You've got something the American public wants, everything else falls into

place. Or as we in television might say, there's no accounting for the public's

taste.

Okay, keep coming through with this stuff.

You know, I think it's better the way I had it. Darling, could you put the doll

there by the ceramic seat? Mrs.

Winkler, excuse me. You wanted to check the menu.

Right. Stevens, could you bring that piece downstairs that Mr. Winkler hates

and try it again next to the fireplace?

Now, I want a lot of nuts and crudites.

Now, what do we say for openers? Oh, yes, snails. Uh, scargo, yes.

And then the potato and truffle salad. Okay, yes, truffles by all means, but I

hate those thin pieces.

When you shave it, go, go, lay it on big time, okay? You know what?

Truffles are always shaved really finely, Mrs. Winkler. Well, naturally, I

didn't mean to suggest anything overdone, you know. Right, and then we

have the, um, poached sea bass and phyllo and, uh, spinach souffle and

salad and dessert.

Oh, and finger bowls.

You know what? There's nothing being served that requires finger bowls. Yeah,

well, have them. because you can never predict whose fingers will need a

washing, okay?

Did you rearrange his place again?

All right, all right. Hold your water.

Don't tell me to hold my water. Every night I come home, it's like I'm walking

to a strange house.

What is this thing here? Did I tell you to get rid of this? It's a harp. You've

got no flair, Ray. Don't tell me I've got no flair. Nobody plays the harp. You

know, who plays it? What's it doing in the middle of the living room? I like

the visual sweep.

You know, I don't know what's gotten into your head.

You're so hoity-toity all of a sudden.

Then my cookies pays for this, so turn it off.

What's for dinner?

And don't tell me it's gonna be little sparrows on a bed of lettuce again,

because I wouldn't care if I never had anything on a bed of lettuce anymore.

They're pheasants, and you ate them last week.

Yeah, and I got, I got BBs. Remember I got BBs in the mouth? I almost choked on

a BB.

Can I get a cheeseburger? Is that possible? Are you forgetting? It's the

dinner party tonight.

Oh.

Shh, I'm late.

Just when I got a lot on my mind. Your mind don't hold a lot. Now, come on, get

dressed, and don't forget it's tuxedos. I'm hungry. I don't want to get dressed

now. You want a snail?

You nuts. I'm going to have a snail?

Come on, you eat steamers.

Hey, a snail leaves a little trail of scum in the yard when it walks. Not in

France, they don't.

Jesus, what happened to all the... It's tugging meatballs and spaghetti. That's

what I like. Have a potato and truffle thing. That'll hold you till the company

comes, okay?

I don't want truffles. Truffles got no flavor, Frenchie. They're subtle. Only

pigs can find them.

You're thinking of pearls. Pearls, they come in oysters.

That's what that is. Take a hike.

You're such an ignoramus. That's what I love about you. You've got no... Pearls

come in oysters. Ray, Ray, Ray.

Please, don't spoil my big night.

What's so big about tonight? I don't understand. There's a lot of important

people coming from the arts, and I want to get on some of those boards.

Hey, we donate.

You'll be on the boards.

But I want to be a patron.

What you want to be, I think, is a socialite.

So what? Is that so terrible?

You know, when we talked about making it, we were going to hit it big. We were

going to move to Florida. We were going to swim. We were going to eat stone

crabs. Well, we can get a place at Palm Beach.

Palm Beach is ritzy. You know, I want to go to Miami.

I want to be at the dog track every day.

I just know I want to be as far away from Frenchy Fox, the topless wonder, as

I can be.

You were beautiful as Frenchy Fox. You know, you'd come out, remember? Remember

Night Train? You'd give it a little of this and a little of that. Well, those

days are over, Ray.

And our accountants want us to expand. We're going to be twice as big next

year. So what good is being twice as big if I can't get a cheeseburger? What's it

all mean?

Ray, please, be charming tonight. I've seen you when you want to turn on the

charm. You sparkle.

All right.

Good

evening.

Good evening. Welcome to our humble little abode, Charles Bailey.

This is my wife, Emily. How are you? How are you doing? How are you doing? David

Perrette. Hello. Hello. How are you doing?

Can I get you a drink?

Just some Evian.

Unless you have Perrier?

Certainly. We got anything you want. Whatever you want, you can have. I

usually take just tap water because the fluoride keeps your teeth from rotting.

Otherwise, they'll drop right out on you, honey.

Hey! Look at this.

Hello.

So glad you could attend our humble abode. We just got back from Caneo Bay.

Didn't want to miss the new Traviata.

Oh. Have you seen it?

No, not yet. Nor have I.

Exactly what is it?

Ray, why are we standing around in the hallway? Please, please, let's retire to

the living room. Please, please.

So, I gather you're a big fan of the ballet, Mrs. Winkler. Are you kidding?

I used to be a dancer, but please, call me Francis.

Francis Fox Winkler. The fox is from Saratoga? I don't know. I never checked

my pedigree.

Can we change the music, please? Because I feel like I should be wearing a wig.

You will be in a couple of years.

Did you do the place yourself?

Yes, they say I have a flair for decorating. You know, this rug lights

up. It lights?

Yeah, it's made of what? The fiber optics. I'll turn it on later.

Stephen, what's with the snails?

Oh, why don't I get the door? And you showed them your collection of leather

pigs. Right.

Do you play the harp, Frances?

Oh, no, no. It's a visual, honey. The sweep kills me. Oh, finally.

Girls, come.

Hey, how you doing? How you doing? Come on in.

Right there. All the action. Hey, honey. Honey, toots. In there.

Hey, shake it. Everyone in the other room.

God Steinway.

What? God Steinway. God Steinway.

I'm Anthony Gwynn. Oh, no kidding.

Tony Gwynn? You're the outfielder with the Padres?

Our goal is to raise $2 million by April. Then the company can tour the

West Coast and include the new opera, which has gotten such good notices.

Right, yeah.

Well, count me in. I love serious music.

Ray, on the other hand, opera freaks him.

Have you tried your finger bowl?

So the guy says to him, you know, what do you do for a living?

He says, I'm a mumback.

He says, what's a mumback?

He says, you know, I stand behind a truck, I say, mumback, mumback.

He stands behind the truck. He goes, Mom, back. Mom, back.

He said, I think it's too fast for her.

Mom, back.

He says, Mom, back.

No, I'm afraid I do think they overpaid for the Picasso. I mean, for me, it was,

I don't know, unusually mediocre, don't you think? Oh, I agree. Excuse me, I

have to go find my wife.

I saw a beautiful painting of fruit at the Met or the Whitney.

It might have been the Holocaust.

Are you affiliated with any of these museums? No, no, no. I'm a private

dealer. Oh. Oh.

We have one or two paintings, but I haven't really gotten around to building

a collection yet.

Uh-huh.

So what's your... What are you interested in? Uh,

Rembrandt, Picasso, Michelangelo. You know, the boys.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I...

I think I might be out of Michelangelos just at the moment.

But, you know, I did recently come into possession of an incredible Damon Dexter

that someone's trying to sell. Is he... I don't think I'm aware of him.

No, well, he's new, you know.

I have to say, your wine is absolutely delicious.

I mean, really.

It was chosen by the same chef who did the finger balls.

Have you rinsed?

David used to be part owner of a vineyard, so he's a tough audience.

Did you study art at school?

No, no, I didn't. I often think I should have done. No, I studied literature.

Then inevitably wound up as a stockbroker.

Then I dropped out, went to Japan, became a Buddhist, blah, blah, blah.

And then, yeah, I did teach art at Amherst for a bit.

And then the vineyard.

My God, what a life, and you're still so young.

Yes, well, don't let the face fool you. Somewhere in the closet, there's a

portrait of me aging.

In the closet?

Why would it be in the... Oh!

How droll.

You hear about the Polish cop rule?

Every day they meet at work.

You can't believe this room.

I don't know.

This takes bad taste in your eyes.

This is excruciating.

Can you believe the two of them? I can't keep a straight face. And what she's

done with this apartment, the sheer flawless vulgarity of it all. She must

have been frightened by a leopard. Well, look, don't knock it. I think they plan

on being very generous, and for that we must be thankful.

Really? And what about the hat? Not to mention the way she wears her clothes.

This is the definition of bad taste. Oh, I'll buy you one.

I never saw so much jewelry.

You know, it makes me sad, French. You don't have to steal anymore.

Really.

What's the matter, honey? You've been quiet all night. What is bothering you?

What's bothering me is that we got no class.

Hey, speak for yourself.

I was very charming tonight. I was killing them with the jokes.

I got a little drunk from the wine, Ray.

So I went to sit down in the bar. Some of them were in there talking about us.

You should have heard them. And they were right, you know.

Oh, stop it. We got more dough than all of them put together. Yeah, well, it

ain't dough. You know, it's knowing the finer things.

Like what? Like opera?

Like food and wine and painting and books.

Stop it, will you? I'm unimpressed.

All my life I've been ignorant. I could never afford to learn anything. There

was always some emergency.

And I was a good student before I had a class. Yeah, well, I was a lousy

student. I always hated school, and I don't care about it. If I could find my

school principal today, now that I got some dough, I'd put a contract out on

her.

Class is something you can't fake and you can't buy. Honey, I got more class

in my little finger than they all got combined.

No, we came into a couple of bucks, but, you know, we're phonies. We're trying to

act like big shots. Not me.

Well, me.

But it's over.

The time has come to use our dough to amount to something.

Like what?

To change our lives.

Hey, well, I'm too busy to change my life. Doing what? Playing pinball?

Oh, I don't want to wear a tux anymore.

I don't like it. I want to go to Florida and swim.

Well, I want to be the real thing.

And you better wise up, because if I grow and you stay as stupid as you are,

we're going to have big problems, Ray.

So, smarting you up, is that what you said? Yeah.

you said you were a teacher you know art opera books wine you know we want to

learn it all don't we ray well i must say i'm incredibly flattered that you

think i was capable of turning two slugs like us into classy items no homework

i'm not doing any i never did homework when i was young i'm not gonna do you

know not doing anything that's got homework to it uh naturally we would

make it very worth your while david no no look it's absolutely not about money

i suppose it's just that um I don't know. I've never been asked to do

anything quite like this before, and I'm not sure I'd know where to start.

Well, I know I got to get a better vocabulary.

Well, have you ever thought about, you know, enrolling in college?

College? I didn't go to high school. What the hell am I going to, you know,

go to college for? Yeah, that takes four years, David. You know, we want a

private crash course, lessons in life, right, Ray?

Am I crazy?

She's nuts. She's nuts. David, tell her she's nuts.

What, I'm going to learn about life suddenly?

Well, I must say, Frenchy, I think Ray has a point, you know?

He could probably teach me a lot more about life than I could ever teach you,

you know? Well, I know.

You know, what the hell's he gonna teach? I can figure the point spread. I

know how to count cards on a black check table. Would you close your bazoo? I

count four... Would you close your bazoo? You know what? I really... What

it is, I don't want to be discouraging, because what you're proposing is...

Really admirable. It's amazing. Yes. The one thing I would like, I would like to

learn how to spell Connecticut.

Don't ask me why. I, you know, I would never know how to spell Connecticut.

Well, fair enough. Great. You could teach him that, right?

Yeah. Now, I heard you telling somebody this is a very slow period in the art

market, and we would take very good care of you, right?

Yeah, well, like I say, you know, I absolutely don't want to discourage it.

I, uh,

you know, I suppose I just have to think about it a bit. I haven't, um...

You know, if I could envisage a plan, some kind of starting point, I suppose.

We could start by, you know, building our art collection.

You know, and that way, you'd make a few bucks, and we can learn something. Yeah,

but no museums, because I'm not going to museums. The pictures spook me out

there, the virgins.

He spooked me by the virgins.

I'm sorry.

We're going to laugh.

So, you can see the difference between this Tintoretto and the earlier

Byzantine painting we looked at.

I mean, what would you say is the most significant difference?

I would say that the frame's bigger here.

Mm-hmm.

Well, yeah, it is bigger, but there's also a difference in the paintings

themselves, isn't there? And it's a really important difference because it

characterizes the great technical leap.

from the ancient into the modern world.

I mean, you remember how all those saints had very flat faces and the

background was on the same plane as the foreground?

Perspective. Right, perspective.

That's it.

Well, let me show you another very good example of that.

The frame on this one is bigger. Oh, boy, you are a dummy. Hey, don't give me

perspective. Take a hike, will you? Take a hike.

28.

4.

Levoxel. 51.

Unity.

87.

90.

Darvoset. 4.

Red Dude.

10.

I'm hungry. Can we get out of here? You're always hungry. Why don't you try

and learn something? There's nothing to learn. Listen, interesting fact. This is

where Henry James lived.

Oh? Who?

The band leader, stupid.

Oh, you married to Betty Grable? Yes, yes.

I knew that.

You're thinking of Harry James, the trumpeter.

Henry James married to Betty Grable. I'm talking about Henry James, the author.

Oh. Yeah?

Well, this is where he lived, and this is where he worked.

Where did he eat? I'm hungry. I don't care where he lived. I want to know

where he ate.

The Harris, right?

The H is silent.

Oh, did he write that, too?

Frenchie, Frenchie, I'm still sick.

I'm weak. I'm weak. I can't go.

You're going to miss a very interesting great books discussion.

Oh, yeah, I know. It kills me.

It just kills me. But I just can't. I'm just going to lay here. I'll see you

when you come back.

Ray's got a call.

I bet 500.

See your five, raise your 500.

That's it, I'm out of here.

I see the five and a thou.

So what did you think of the book?

Well, I thought it was very romantic.

I mean, he loved her, but their backgrounds were so different.

Right. So what you you thought it was doomed from the start sort of thing I

guess cuz he wound up dead but you know, I think that two people from different

backgrounds can make it if The juice is there Right sorry juices

juices Wine would you would you like

some wine?

Oh, yeah, I bought over a bottle of Chateau Margot

Ah, well, that's brilliant, because we can compare that to my Clos de Roche,

and you can see the difference between a Bordeaux and a Burgundy. And I've

actually got two other Burgundys of the same vintage that I thought it might be

fun for us to try.

Seat of five. I raise it down.

I'll see it.

Raise it a thousand more.

And a thousand.

And a thousand. Okay.

All. Read it and win.

Pair of threes.

Oh, good. I thought you were bluffing.

So what do you want to play now?

What about Indian poker?

Seven cards.

You hold your cards over your head. Nobody sees their hand. We bet on each

other's hands.

High, low, maybe some wild cards. All the reds.

You want to sit down, mate?

How about old maid?

You play old maid?

So, um, try this one.

Okay.

Nice nose.

Yeah, no, the bouquet is very special. No, no, I mean, you've got a nice nose.

Me? Yeah.

I don't know how to describe it. It's like a kind of... It's just any old

nose, I think.

Lime? Yeah.

Talking of which, talking of which, how is your vocabulary coming along?

Oh, very good. I'm almost through all the A words in the dictionary.

Right, right.

You know...

The thing is, I'm not 100% convinced that memorizing the dictionary is the

best way to improve your vocabulary.

I can't believe you found a buyer for the Damon Dexter so

fast, at such a good price. We ought to really take a bite out of our debts.

Oliver, you know, it's dawning on me that the opportunity has arisen for me

to become quite, you know, quite obscenely rich.

How serious are they about building an art collection? It's not that. That

would be peanuts.

What then?

Well, I think that she might be falling for me.

Frenchie Winkler?

Yeah, I mean, how much do you think she's worth, roughly?

Her husband, you mean?

No, no, it's all in her name. She's the cookie mogul.

What are you saying?

I don't know. I suppose I'm saying that, you know, people grow and marriages

sadly break up and...

Women remarry, you know?

Fortunes, they change hands.

What is this?

It's a Damon Dexter, a discovery of David's. Yeah, well, I say it's

depressing. Knock it off. You wouldn't know a masterpiece if it bit you in the

ass. I refuse to look at this, Frenchie.

And what is that supposed to mean? It means as long as this is on that wall, I

don't look at that wall.

You're a head case.

Yeah, well, I'll bet David made a big profit on this. Hey, whose cookies pay

the rent?

I think he's making a fool out of you. Stevens, come here. Come here. Tell me

what time it is, because I no longer look at this wall. This wall's out.

11 a.m., sir. Thank you very much. Yeah.

David, what's this?

Oh.

Oh, well, that's a citrine necklace.

You know about citrines? No.

Well, they're not one of the, you know, precious stones, but the lust has always

been considered very special and unique. And that?

Oh, look. Well, if we're talking about luster, this is something very special,

and I'd imagine very, very expensive as well. It's a cigarette case encrusted

with diamonds that belonged to the Duke of Windsor.

I know the Duke of Windsor. Yeah? He also married beneath the station, right?

He did.

He did. Like our friend Henry? Yeah. Oh, my God. The Duke and Duchess.

Such a romantic story. I saw it on television.

Uh-huh.

Ray?

Ray!

What are you doing here?

Um... I'm having Chinese food.

That's what they serve in a Chinese restaurant.

You want some company?

Who? What do you mean, who? Me. Who's talking to you? Me.

Well,

but where's Frenchie?

Frenchie's at a concert.

She's at some piano concert with a guy. Oh.

Well, they have takeout here, but I don't think they'll deliver to a

concert. Don't worry about it, Mae. Frenchie will eat.

Dinner was so great, Meg. You know, all that MSG and the grease. It was just,

you know, what a treat.

I'm so sick of continental food every night.

You know, Frenchie eats frog's legs.

It's supposed to taste like chicken.

Rabbit.

Rabbit tastes like frog legs? No.

Forget it, forget it, forget it.

Are you happy being rich?

It's okay.

I got a lot of charge accounts, and I got a really, really nice apartment, and

I got a maid.

I'm still a little lonely, though.

Yeah? Yeah. How come?

Well, that guy I was seeing left me because he just was so embarrassed about

being poor, and he hated that I paid for everything.

So then I stopped paying, and actually, that's when he left me.

Yeah, I can understand you.

You enjoy being rich? I hate it.

Are you kidding?

No, I hate it. I'm telling you, I hate their life, you know? And it's causing

me to lose Frenchie. What do you mean?

I mean, she's outgrowing me. You know, that's just what she said. She's like a

different person now. I think she's developing a crush on her teacher,

David. Yeah, wow.

You know, he's very good-looking, and he's really bright, and he's very

charming, and he's very elegant.

Okay, May, I got the picture. It's all right. You know, my God, you really know

how to make a guy feel good. Well, when you're right, you're right.

Thank you.

What did you think of her playing? Oh, well, I just gotta tell you, I thought

the whole evening was apocalyptic.

Apocalyptic, really? Yes, totally.

I mean, I really was agog.

Well, me too. I mean, she's fabulous. She's fabulous, and I have to asseverate

she deserves accolades.

Now, Frances, you've been memorizing the dictionary, haven't you? Yeah, I got the

A's. Next week, the B's, right?

How do I look?

Well, I have to say that that dress is just...

Gorgeous. See, you're influenced low-key, right?

Well, that's a very flattering thing to say.

Ray thinks it's Dollsville.

David.

Paige. Wasn't your choice of the Rachmaninoff inspired?

Wasn't it? Yeah. At first I thought it might incur my animadversion, but soon I

realized it was apposite.

Aha. I think I see drinks at last. Good to see you, David. Nice meeting you.

Yeah, lovely to see you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, I love your

friends, David.

They're so bright and cultured and refined.

It's another world.

Well, it's a world I know you'd love to belong to, French. Ah, this looks a lot

more civilized. Oh, beautiful.

Anything we get, Cody's in for his full share.

That's how it is.

You know why I respect Cody Jarrett?

Why? Because he loves his mother.

I understand that, May. Because even though he's a vicious, cold-blooded,

psychopathic killer, and she encourages him, still, it's sweet.

Yeah, it has a sweetness, because I wish I had a mother like that. Yeah. More

Pepsi? Yeah, please.

Please, just... And this is the best part, isn't it? I love this part.

Yeah. Will you pass me the Cracker Jacks?

Let me see.

What are you looking at? I happen to be noticing you, you know? I was looking at

you a couple of times tonight, because the first time I had the thought that in

a very, very strange way, you got a sweet face, you know? It's offbeat, you

know, in a kind of bizarre... You know, it's a... I don't know how to explain it

exactly, but it's right up there.

What do you mean?

No, I mean it as a compliment, May. I'm saying, I'm trying to say a nice thing

to you. You know, because, you know, you being a relative of Frenchie, I never

before classified you as, you know, a human-type female.

So... I was married.

No, I know. I know this was a long time ago, right?

It was a really tragic story because my husband Otto was dyslexic and the only

thing he could spell correctly was his name.

Oh, that is, that's...

There's no doubt about it. The burgundy really goes to my head.

What do you want to talk to me about?

I've, um... Well, I've got a little present for you. For me?

Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, pretty.

I love leather books.

Oh, Pygmalion. I love that story, David.

There's, um, you see a little inscription there?

To my favorite Eliza from your Professor Higgins love, David.

Gee, I got a confession to make.

What? I got you a present, too.

Oh, no. Oh, no. You didn't have to do that. It's an appreciation of all the

stuff you've been doing for me, because I know it's a hard job.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Frenchie, this is... Francis.

Francis, this is... It must have cost you a fortune.

I don't know. What good's having dough unless you spend it, huh?

Why? But this is so extravagant here.

I'm embarrassed.

I'm not suggesting you take up smoking, but I just figured, you know, if it's

good enough for the Duke of Windsor, right?

Well, I'm really overwhelmed, and I feel, you know, my little pathetic

Bernard Shaw is so insignificant by comparison to this.

But you see, I just... I just wanted you to know how unbelievably proud I am of

you. David, this is not insignificant.

I mean, maybe I'm talking out of turn here, but...

You've just developed so much, and I... Well, I just feel that you belong in a

world of society and high culture now. It's frustrating, because you should

continue growing, you know? You should be branching out. You should be

traveling. There's Paris and Rome and the great opera houses and the museums,

you know?

And you should be in a position to cultivate the right kinds of friends.

Anyway, I'm, you know, Biff.

It's hard, you know, because Ray's not like that, you know.

He likes to watch TV in his underwear, sucking a bud.

Yeah.

Well, that, I don't know what to say. I can't comment on that.

Can I be frank, David?

Mm-hmm.

Sometimes I think I've outgrown him.

Pretty late.

Yeah, you too. What did you do?

You know, I worked late and then May and me had some Chinese food.

You and May?

What did you talk about over dinner?

Cartoons? What are you kidding?

We went up to our apartment, you know. We watched White Heat on television.

Till 3 a.m.? No, then we went out and we got a pizza.

Chinese food and a pizza?

With your stomach, I'm surprised you weren't shot breaking into the Pepto

-Bismol factory.

Oh, Frenchie, I had fun. It was the first time in a long time I had a good

time.

I want to talk to you, Ray.

Now?

David's going over to Europe for a month. I thought we might go along, see

some sights.

What kind of sights?

You know, churches, opera houses, ruins.

Hey, what are you, a stroke victim?

I'm going to fly 3,000 miles to see opera houses and ruins?

Well, I want to go.

What do you mean you want to go? It's part of my cultural development.

Oh, will you knock it off? You're Frenchie Fox from New Jersey. Stop

putting on airs. David thinks that it would be good for me to travel through

Europe. David, I get a bad vibe about this guy. Because you're a crook, so you

think everybody is.

I wish I still was a crook. Then I'd feel like an actual person again. I

warned you that this would happen if you didn't grow along with me.

The only thing that's grown about you, sweetheart, is your rear end from too

much French food.

I'm sorry, Ray, but I want to go to Europe.

What do you mean you want to go to Europe? We're married. You can't just

pick up and go to Europe with David. I asked you to come.

Because you knew I'd say no.

That's why you asked me. My idea of fun is not going to operas and ruins.

You know, I get enough sleep at home.

I never thought I'd be saying this to you, Ray.

But maybe the time has come to reevaluate our marriage.

Well, you know, if you go to Europe with David, you're going to have to

reevaluate it big time. I'm going, Ray.

I won't be held back mentally by some overage juvenile delinquent. Yeah, well,

then you better go get yourself a lawyer.

We don't need lawyers.

I'll go 50-50 with you, even though it's all in my name.

You're right. We don't need lawyers. Exactly right. Because you don't have to

go 50-50. I don't want anything. You can have the house. You can have the

business. You can have custody of all the chocolate chips. I just want out.

You know, May was on a boat that I first proposed to a Frenchie. Yeah, I know, I

know. All of a sudden, I'm not her type after all these years.

May I tell you something, Ray?

What?

You're not my type either.

What does that mean? What the hell does that mean? It means...

It means that maybe Frenchie wasn't so wrong to try and make something out of

herself. Frenchie was nuts. Frenchie overdid everything. Well, you underdo

everything. You know, there's more to life than turkey meatballs.

I don't know. I don't know what to say, ma'am. I get a bad vibe about this guy,

David. It's my street instinct, but I just don't trust him. Yeah, I know. Why?

Because he's younger than you are. He's handsomer than you are. He's much taller

than you are. He's smarter than you are.

He's much more exciting than you are. May, don't feel obligated to pull any

punches with me. I can take it.

Yes, women... You know, women like a little elegance. It's more... So if I

had it to do over again, I would do some things differently.

You know, maybe I'd sit through a couple more operas with Frenchie.

Especially now, since they got the new Sony Walkmans.

Now that you're split up with Frenchie, you don't even work.

No, I don't work, May, but...

I got an idea for something, and I want to talk to you about it.

Really?

Wow.

What a place.

That's the home of Chi Chi Potter, the socialite. Chi Chi Velizquez Potter.

Now... Chi Chi's got a necklace.

It's all emeralds with diamonds around it. It's a very famous necklace. Maybe

you saw it in the magazines. They photograph it all the time. Would it

have been on television?

I don't know, May, if it was on television. But it's been in magazines.

It's a famous necklace.

I want to go in there. I could live off that necklace if I fenced it for the

rest of my life.

But you got to remember what happened when you tunneled into the bank.

Yeah, but that's the beauty part. We don't have to tunnel anymore.

Now, Frenchie and I, you know, we're patrons of the arts.

So Chi Chi invited us to a big party there in a couple of weeks.

Frenchie's out of town. You come with me.

We'd get the necklace.

Oh, I see. I never high-stayed anything before. There's nothing to it. I know

where the safe is, because this has been on my mind for a while. And I had dinner

over there one night, and I excused myself. I was very crafty. I went

upstairs, and I checked out the place. I scoped it all out, and I found the safe.

And I got the whole layout, you know, in my mind up there. So I know we can do

this.

I don't want to wind up in jail.

And if this is such a big item, then they're going to be turning the town

upside down looking for it, aren't they? No, that's why you're dealing with a

particularly shrewd mentality.

I got a connection in Chinatown. I bring in a picture that I got from a magazine

of the necklace.

He makes me an exact duplicate.

I switch.

She never knows what happened. She's a, you know, she's a dumb, flighty society

dame. She's crazy. By the time she figures out there's a switch two years

from now or something, I'll be in Florida or the Cayman Islands.

Hello. What?

I can't hear you. What?

Shh. I'm in a crypt.

I can't... What do you mean? What are you talking about? How?

Would you give me a break, sister, okay?

Today? Shh.

What do you mean? What do you mean it's an emergency?

Oh, hi.

Mrs. Winkler?

Yeah. Mrs. Winkler, we're so sorry to bring you back from your vacation.

Well, what the hell's going on, fellas?

Frances, I have terrible news.

Something happen to Ray?

Sunset Enterprises is bankrupt.

How? Fraud.

Fraud? Who?

Your accountants.

My accountants? Well, I don't even know who they are. What? You should have

looked.

Well, we let them handle everything. I mean... What the hell do I know about

running a corporation?

Did you ever read anything you signed?

No, but they assured us everything was okay.

Ms. Winkler, may I get you a drink?

I'd like a 1961 Romane Saint-Vivant if we have it.

I'd have a whiskey if I were you.

Well, I don't understand. I mean, Sunset's gone?

Can't we do anything?

You might be able to put a few people in jail if we could find them.

This is the worst news.

Oh, no. No, Mrs. Winkler, it's not.

No? Well, it is to me.

No, no, no. The worst news is coming up.

Oh.

All right.

All right.

You better tell me.

Please, sit down. They spoke to you about expanding Sunset.

That's right. Yeah, we've been planning it for months, yeah. In order to do

that, you needed a bank loan. Are you aware of that?

Quite a substantial loan.

Get to the point. What?

They asked you to sign a promissory note to the bank.

Darling, you're speaking to the wrong person. This is exactly what I got

accountants for.

Yes, but unfortunately, your accountants are in Venezuela.

What?

This is all so confusing. Frances, you put up your home and savings as a note

for a monster loan.

Could you put a touch of cyanide in here?

It needs to be a little stronger.

You've lost it all, Frenchie. Or should I say you've been swindled out of it

all?

You mean I got... Nothing, Mrs. Winkler. You have nothing. No house, no bank

account. Just a couple of large, outstanding loans, which we feel you can

best deal with by filing for bankruptcy.

Bankruptcy?

Bankruptcy? I'm not up to the B-words yet. Sorry.

Does Ray know about this? What difference does it make to Ray? He's

gone.

What did you say?

I'm bankrupt.

Sunset's gone.

Worse, all my personal dough is gone.

The whole ride's over.

Well, I mean, how could that possibly happen? Fraud.

My accountants.

Oh, Ray said not to trust them because the whole firm had mustaches.

Yeah, I'm gonna get myself a little value.

David, I'm not going to be able to give you that loan I promised you.

What? What did you say?

Well, suddenly it turns out I got people I owe. Yeah, I know, but you did say

that I could borrow $400,000.

You know I was using it to cement a deal. I know, and it kills me. It kills

me to cop out on you like this, but I'm busted. I'm flat.

What an idiot.

I guess I am, yeah. Yeah, how could you be so stupid and irresponsible as to

allow some patently cheaper, you know, thieving accountants to defraud you out

of the future?

I just don't understand how anyone could be that stupid.

Hey, aren't you a little out of line? Yeah, well, you know I've made plans.

You know, I've made commitments to people.

Oh.

You've got a strange look in your eye, like the guy from the book.

Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde or...

Ted Bundy? I can never remember.

Think of the time I've put in nurturing an idea that's not going to happen.

Is that what it was?

The money?

I need my prescription. I need my little blue pill. So I'm going to go and get

them. And I would very, very much appreciate it if when I came back, you

were gone.

Thank you.

David, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like the cigarette case back that I gave you.

I don't think so, my love.

I asked you for lessons in life.

I guess I really got one, right?

Oh, we're so glad you could come.

How are you?

Langston wants to talk to you about a theater project in Aspen.

Do you ski?

Me, no. I never, ever.

Do either of you play miniature golf?

Oh, there's Minky.

Oh, hello.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Mingle.

I don't think she should speak. I don't think she should say anything.

You said make conversation, so I was just... I know, I know. Make

conversation, but... Don't talk. Don't speak. I mean, you know, don't bring up

anything. Maybe about the weather or something, but don't, you know. Now, I'm

going to get in the flow of things here, and then I'm going to kind of glide

upstairs. Should I glide with you? No, no, I'll contact you. Can I get you some

champagne?

Sure.

I was going to make a phone call. Have you seen Edgar?

Edgar? Where'd that man get off to?

I was going to make a phone call. I looked back here, and I looked

downstairs. Yes, try back there. I'll try that. Thank you, Rick.

Oh, wait, look.

You play golf?

Golf? No, I was just going to make a phone call upstairs.

I guess I was misdirected.

Yes, well, I was going to use the phone. Well, I'm sorry, I wanted a match on

Sunday, but I'll have to get somebody else.

I would have looked forward to it.

There'll be rain over the tri-state area and increasing fog.

Temperatures will hover in the low 60s till Tuesday.

I must say, you are most amusing.

Would you like a canopy? Those are shrimp, and these are quail eggs, and I

don't have any idea what they are.

Thank you. I hate anything with a toothpick. They lodge in your throat.

I'm George Blent, Mutual Funds, and you?

Mae Sloan.

I'm a lookout.

I noticed the way you walked and carried yourself from across the room. You

remind me of my wonderful departed wife.

You can't carry yourself across the room.

That's physically impossible.

You are charming. You know, you are the first woman I've met since Helen died

that I could say that about.

Was Helen your wife or just a woman who died?

Hi. Where's Mr. Winkler? I wanted to talk to him.

Oh, he's around mingling.

Cloudy today, wasn't it?

With a chance of light sprinkles followed by sunshine.

Absolutely right. Now, Chi-Chi, when you have a chance, would you get those

photographs in the bedroom? I want to show Mr. Winkler the property we have in

Aspen, where we're going to build the theater.

Yes, I just want to talk to Dr. Henske. I think he would be perfect to do Beth

Kramer's face work after the unbelievable job he did on Mrs. Morton's

buttocks.

Oh, I'm going to be right back.

Would you just...

Ray.

Shh. You scared me.

For God's sakes.

I came to warn you.

Mrs. Potter's going to come up here to get some pictures that Mr. Potter wants

you to see. She's looking for you.

Now I close the safe. This is a tough safe. I'm out of practice. I can't.

Did they see you come up here?

I don't think so.

Get out there and stand watch.

I'm going to do this again.

Are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm fine. Get out. Get out.

If you could fit it into your schedule, it would mean so much to Beth.

She's been so down since the divorce. And don't you think?

He got custody of the polo ponies.

Chi Chi, don't forget those photographs for Mr. Winkler. Where'd he go?

I'll get them.

So, you will try?

I'll do my best.

Kiss, kiss.

Mrs. Potter, he's coming.

She's gone.

She's gone.

She's gone.

She's gone. Ah, thank you, dear. I want to show those to Mr. Winkler. He

wouldn't leave without saying goodbye, would he? No, he's not upstairs.

Jesus. I met a wonderful man downstairs.

He seemed to like me.

He said I reminded him of his wife, who's dead, but I assume he meant when

she was alive.

May, can you stop talking to me while I'm doing this?

Little short fella.

Right yellow shirt. Unbelievable tie.

Ah, yes.

I think I know the gentleman you mean. He was going up the stairs before.

Are you sure?

Uh, yes. Um, Mr. Winkler.

Ray, I hear something.

She's not feeling well. I took her up here. Yeah, she had one of her spells.

Spell? Yes, she gets spells. How extraordinary. We have a doctor right

here. No, not necessarily. She gets these spells. I don't know. I'm a

hemophiliac. Oh, dear God. Are you bleeding?

Why would I be bleeding?

Her neck. Wasn't it your neck? Yes, it is. But my nasal passages are clearing

up now. Yes, I handle all this. On weekends, I do this for a little hobby.

She had champagne.

Oh, you poor darling. I'll go get Dr. Hensky. Really, really.

Ray, you have to. I have my cortisone pills.

Me? My medication.

I will feel a whole lot better if I let Dr. Hensky take a look at her. No, no,

no. You just relax, put your feet up, and I'll go get Dr. Hensky.

A hemophiliac?

Cortisone? Where did you come up with these things? On TV.

The weather's on TV. I said stay with the weather. I thought I did some really

quick thinking. Yes, very quick. Meanwhile, you're going to be examined

now. Why? I just had a checkup.

Jesus, I've got no time to work here.

They'll be back in seconds.

I can't tell the difference between these.

Oh, God.

Then you've got to take them both.

I can't take them both. If they come back and they don't find any necklace

here, we've been suspiciously seen in the bedroom, I'll go right to jail.

Especially with your DNA.

What has my DNA got to do with it?

You better make a choice, because they're going to be back any minute.

Ray, let's go.

That's what I told you, Doctor.

She's right in here. Come along.

Here's Dr. Henske.

Now, what seems to be the trouble?

False alarm.

It was a hot flash.

I think it was a menopausal thing.

I've seen it before.

I'm given to occasional spells.

Spells? Well, not spells, but, you know, she... No, no, sometimes for no good

reason. I get hot and cold flashes, and then the room will begin to spin, and

then spots will flash before my eyes, and then I'll hear a ringing in my ears.

Okay, I think you're making too much of it, Mae. We should go. Little pinpoints

of light, and then my tongue turns black, and I can't swallow.

Really? They diagnosed it as Parkinson's, but they think it could be

the Ebola virus or mad cow disease. We gotta get out of here, because, you

know, it's a false positive, I think. Come on, sweetheart, we're due.

Oh, I do hope you feel better. And not to worry, Mr. Winkler, the theater in

Aspen will just have to wait.

You're full of virus on mad cow.

I just said the first thing that came into my mouth. Great.

I tried to do my best. Hello again.

George, do I still remind you of your wife?

You killed me. You're great. She's in, you're not feeling well, remember?

She's, I'm taking her home. She's not feeling so well. I'm in the book, Mae

Sloan. I'll be better.

Oh, well, I'll call you.

Right. I just got the news about Frenchie.

Frenchie? What, didn't you hear?

Sunset's gone under.

Yeah, she was defrauded out of every penny she owns and then some. And I know

you were out of there, but I figured you'd know.

Yeah, sure, no, I do know. I...

I came as soon as I heard.

I got exactly what I deserved.

You know, I really missed you, Frenchie.

I'm sorry I blew our cookie company, but I'm even more sorry I blew our marriage,

Ray. You know what he can do? Everybody makes mistakes, you know what I mean?

The important thing is I still love you.

I don't deserve it.

I behaved badly at... You behaved like an ass, you know? That's one of those A

-words you used to...

practice all the time ass but you know i'm not the easiest guy in the world to

get along with i'm not mr sensitive you know what i mean there's a lot of things

i could have done differently maybe we stayed in separate rooms the whole trip

ray that's the truth so where's david now he split the second i went

bust no i don't believe it he was hustling me for the dough

So now we've got to all begin again, you know, in more ways than one.

You still want me.

You still want me?

Frenchie, you've got to ask a question like that?

I'm crazy about you. You're a goddess to me. I'm nuts for you.

Of course I want you.

But we're broke, you know? We haven't got a dime. We don't even own a stick of

this furniture we're sitting on.

Can I show you something?

Yeah. Will you sit here? May I show you one thing?

Can I show you? Just let me show you something.

Because I think you're going to be very, very, very proud of me.

What?

That's Chi-Chi Pottas.

Was.

Was, Chi-Chi.

Was. Three words. Was.

I'm telling you, I never felt so great. I was back in action again. I felt

alive, you know? Because I always felt that you were keeping me with this whole

cookie thing. Hey, this is glass.

What are you talking about, glass?

How's it glass?

It's fake.

What do you mean fake? How the hell would you know?

I can tell fake for real. This ain't even good fake.

What are you talking about?

What do you mean it's fake?

Oh, you know, it might fool some idiot with no eye and no brains, but it'll

never pass with a normal person. What are you... Are you telling me that I got

the phony one? I came away with the wrong thing?

That sounds like your M.O.

You're nuts.

I was in the room. Yeah.

And I was going to substitute the glass one for the real one, and then

everything got confusing. You know, Ray, it's good to see that you got the same

great instincts.

You're so wrong. Can I tell you that? You take all those lessons. You think

you got taste.

You think you learn class and taste, but you know nothing about jewelry.

We take this and fence it, we go to Florida.

It's the goods. That ain't gonna get us on the subway, much less to Florida.

You know, you're such a know-everything. You don't have to be a rocket scientist

to spot a clinker like this, Ray. Whoever made it for you.

You overpaid. What can I do if you're wrong? Just tell me what can I do? Can I

take your nose and twist it till you turn blue? Sure.

Gee.

You broke it.

It's glass, Ray.

I know, but... It's...

Well, Frenchie, I'm not cleaning it up. You broke it. You know, you got glass

over everything.

It's dangerous.

Jesus,

I don't know what you see in me. I'm such a screw-up. It's glass. Don't you

understand? I've got the glass one. All that matters is that we have each other.

You know, we didn't there for a while, and the whole thing made me realize how

much I need you.

Yeah, but you're married to such a loser, Frenchie. No.

I'm the luckiest woman in the world. Yeah, and the brokest.

I'm topped out. We got nothing. As usual, I come up empty.

We could pawn this.

What is this?

What is this thing?

Who?

I don't understand. Who's the duke who wins it? Actually, we could probably

auction it.

Where'd you get this thing? From David.

David gave you this? Well, he doesn't know it yet, so... No, I don't get it.

What do you mean?

Hey, it was you who taught me how to open a safe.

That was one of my fondest memories of our time together.

What are you saying? You boosted this from David's safe?

Frenchie, that's stealing.

Not exactly.

Look, it's a long story, Ray.

Let's sell it, and I'll fill you in on the flight to Miami.

Sweetheart, you are the greatest.

Oh, baby, what I couldn't do With

plenty of money and you Despite the

worry that money brings Just a little filthy lucre buys

a lot of things And I could take you to places you'd like to go.

But outside of that, I've no use for dough.

It's the root of all evil, of strife and upheaval. But I'm

certain, honey, that life could be sunny with plenty of money and

you.

Gila.