Original subtitles

Hmm.

Horsie to Pointy Guy Six.

Check.

Hmm.

Get 'im, boys!

Good move.

Good news, everyone.

We have a mission...

to further the noble cause of intergalactic peace.

Nope. Watching cartoons.

Sorry.

What's the mission?

It's a delivery...

for the Democratic Order of Planets.

DOOP? What's that?

It's similar to the United Nations from your time, Fry.

Uh...

Or like the Federation...

from your Star Trek program.

Oh!

Tonight is the ribbon cutting...

for the DOOP's new headquarters.

What are we delivering?

Something without which...

no ribbon-cutting ceremony could proceed...

the ceremonial oversized scissors.

We'll get them there as quickly as we can.

All right, but don't run with them.

Wow.

There's a million aliens.

I've never seen anything so mind-blowing.

Ooh! A reception table with muffins!

Ladies and gentlemen...

welcome to the ribbon-cutting ceremony...

of the DOOP's magnificent new headquarters...

a fitting home for an organization...

that has fostered peace throughout the universe...

even between the insectoids and the space lizards.

Hmm?

So, what's it like on planet Amazonia?

Big rats there.

Me crush with club.

That's so interesting.

Maybe we could get to know each other over a coffee.

I can think of no better place...

for this center of diplomacy...

than here in orbit around the Neutral planet.

What are your thoughts...

on this momentous occasion, Your Neutralness?

I have no strong feelings one way or the other.

I hate these...

filthy Neutrals, Kiff.

With enemies, you know where they stand...

but with Neutrals, who knows?

It sickens me.

Halt!

Why, Leela...

I do believe we've... met.

He means you guys did it.

If you don't mind, we're here to deliver...

the scissors for the ribbon cutting.

- Then you're under arrest. - What for?

How do I know these scissors...

aren't part of some Neutral plot?

But they're not even sharp.

Who could I possibly hurt with them?

The Yarn People of Nylar Four.

So, a plan to assassinate...

a weird-looking alien with scissors...

How very Neutral of you.

What?

That was almost the perfect crime...

but you forgot one thing.

Rock crushes scissors...

but paper covers rock...

and scissors cuts paper.

Kiff, we have a conundrum.

Search them for paper, and bring me a rock.

Why?

So beautiful...

yet so Neutral.

Drag them to the ship.

And now, to cut the ribbon...

the legendary DOOP captain who just returned...

from a triumphant carpet bombing of Eden Seven...

Zapp Brannigan!

What makes a man turn Neutral?

Lust for gold?

Power? Or were you just born...

with a heart full of neutrality?

Um, sir...

you're supposed to be cutting the ribbon right now.

No matter. I'll simply cut it from here...

with the ship's laser.

Sir, I don't think that's wise.

Kiff, if there's one thing I don't need...

it's your "I don't think that's wise" attitude.

Aaah!

Whoopsie-daisy.

Zapp Brannigan...

you stand accused...

of blowing up DOOP headquarters.

How do you plead?

Absolutely 99% not guilty.

Then the prosecutor will call his first witness.

Your Honor...

I'm just a simple hyper-chicken...

from a backwoods asteroid, but if it please the court...

I reckon I'll call the entire jury.

I'm going to allow this.

Members of the jury...

did y'all happen to catch a gander...

at who blew up that there DOOP headquarters?

That's the guy right there.

- Right over there. - Yes, indeed.

And are y'all going to vote to convict him?

Oh, yeah.

The jury is instructed to disregard its own testimony.

Your Honor, the prosecution rests.

The evidence against Zapp Brannigan is strong.

However, in light of his years of service...

and the incompetence of this hillbilly prosecutor...

I'm afraid I must dismiss all charges.

Dismiss all charges?

Your Honor, I know the case is closed...

and you've rendered your verdict...

but I want to testify.

I'm going to allow this.

Now, Ms. Leela, on the date in question...

were you or were you not wearing a hoopskirt?

That's a stupid question. What matters is...

Zapp Brannigan is the sorriest captain I've ever seen...

and I saw the idiot blow up DOOP headquarters...

with my own eye.

I'd like to cross-examine the witness.

I'm going to allow this.

We've met before, have we not?

Yes.

And on that occasion, did you have sex with someone?

May I remind you, you are still under oath.

Yes.

Please point out the person in this courtroom...

you had sex with.

Whoo!

And his name is?

Zapp Brannigan.

The very same Zapp Brannigan...

who did not blow up DOOP headquarters.

I rest my case.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

you may begin your deliberations.

Your Honor, we have reached a verdict.

We find the defendant... guilty.

Whoo!

Zapp Brannigan...

you are hereby stripped of your rank as captain...

and dismissed from the DOOP.

I'd like to make one final statement.

Kiff, come here and hold up the flag.

And wave it a little, for God's sakes.

My friends, you can take away a man's title and his uniform...

but you can never take away his integrity or his honor.

Plus, it was mostly Kiff's fault.

What?

Kiff Kroker, you are also stripped of your rank...

and dishonorably discharged.

One day a man has everything...

and the next day he blows up a $400 billion space station...

and the next day he has nothing.

It makes you think.

- No, it doesn't. - Come, Kiff.

It's time to begin our life as civilians.

That's an order, soldier.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey, Bender?

Yeah?

Whoa!

All right...

this is the third hose fight I've broken up today...

and the second one using actual hoses.

Now, move your lazy asses...

and start scrubbing the ship...

like I ordered you to.

You don't have to get so mad, Leela.

Yeah, Fry already wiped off...

some of the dirt with his finger.

Zapp?

Leela, I didn't know where else to turn.

You're the only woman who ever loved me.

I never loved you.

I mean physically.

What do you want?

Just let me work for a little food.

Perhaps I could paint a fence...

or service you sexually or mop the floors.

You don't know how to do any of those things.

Kiff might.

Leela, who are you talking to?

Just a broken-down hobo who's hit rock bottom...

and his commanding officer.

Why, you're that disgraced starship captain.

Having him on staff would distract people...

from our horrendous safety record.

Come in!

I'd like everyone to meet our new employees.

Uh, which ones are new?

The green dude and the fat man.

Hmm, I could swear I've never seen...

that robot before either.

I'm Bender.

You know, the lovable rascal.

Oh, yes, yes, my good friend, of course.

Anyway...

whoever you all are...

I have good news.

You'll be making a delivery to Stumbos Four...

a planet with such high gravity, you'll most likely be crushed...

under the weight of your own hair.

Enjoy!

So, this Leela...

I know she's a very sensuous woman...

but what manner of captain is she?

She's really strict.

And mean.

I see.

Does she, by any chance, give the crew members spankings?

No, she just makes us do work and stuff.

Good, good.

But should she ever institute...

some sort of bare-bottom spanking policy...

let me go in your place.

I won't have my comrades harmed.

Hey, this guy's all right.

Here's to us poor schmoes...

working for the man.

Even if he is a hot, sexy, female man.

Mm.

I've computed our landing coordinates, Captain.

Thanks, Kiff.

Very nice work.

Wait. What?

I said, "Very nice work."

This is the happiest day of my life.

Mmm!

Okay, crew, listen up.

Your job is to deliver these 40 pillows to that hotel.

They're not very heavy...

but you don't hear me not complaining.

They're not heavy in here...

because we have an anti-grav pump...

but once you get out on the surface...

the gravity will be very intense.

Hey, no prob.

This lead apron will protect me.

I don't want any screwups.

Use the hover dolly...

and just deliver one pillow at a time.

Hey, here's an idea.

Let's deliver all the pillows at once.

- Yeah. - That's using the old noodle.

Come on, girdle.

Hold.

Uh-oh.

What the hell happened?

Some breaking occurred.

The dolly was involved. That's about all we know.

I told you dumb apes not to overload it.

Each of those pillows weighs 150 pounds here.

All right, don't get your panties in a knot.

We'll just use the backup dolly.

I'll start loading up the pillows.

No way, Jack.

You disobeyed an order...

so now you have to deliver all 40 pillows by hand.

Let me ask you a serious question, Leela.

Does the company that made your bra...

make a girdle as well?

I ask because a friend of mine...

Just get to work.

"I'm Leela. Get to work. Na, na, na."

I agree.

The point is...

it's just so humiliating...

working for that man.

Once, he actually ordered me to shave his armpits...

while he was in the bathtub.

So I said to him...

You know, why don't we talk...

about something besides Zapp for a while?

Oh, all right.

Um...

Well, how about them, um... okay.

Well, there he was in the tub, all right?

Ah, some good, old high-gravity rain.

That'll cool us off.

Ow.

Ow, ow!

This is all Leela's fault.

Yeah.

If she had let us use the backup dolly...

we could have broken it...

given up, and gone home by now.

You know, boys...

a good captain needs many skills...

such as boldness, daring and a velour uniform...

and I'm not convinced Leela has any of those things.

Ah, Leela's not that bad.

I just wish she didn't make us work so much.

Back when I was captain...

all I asked from my men was their complete loyalty.

If I had that, then for all I cared...

they could sit around the whole day drinking beer...

in their underpants.

Beer?

Underpants?

- Ah. - Ah.

But now, Zapp's not captain anymore.

I'm free!

Oh, you hear that?

I'm actually laughing.

This is a mutiny!

You're out of here, lady.

Zapp's the new captain.

All hail the new captain.

Leela, you may be a formidable...

doer of the nasty...

but I am forced to relieve you of your post.

On what grounds, you slobbering oaf?

Failure to prevent a mutiny.

Throw her in the brig.

We don't have a brig.

Then throw her in the laundry room...

which will hereafter be referred to as the brig.

You really don't want me to be captain anymore?

You got it, genius.

But didn't I do a good job?

You were mean, and you yelled...

and you made us do all that work.

Sometimes, a captain needs to do those things.

Besides, I thought we were friends.

Yeah, well...

you shouldn't have been such a mean captain, then.

Don't worry, Leela.

Soon, we'll be able to look back on this and laugh.

Back in my old uniform.

And it nearly still fits...

even after all that fattening hobo cuisine.

What shall I do with your civilian clothes, sir?

Take them to the laundry brig.

So, do I have your loyalty, men?

To the ends of the universe.

Ten hundred percent.

That's not nearly loyal enough.

I order you to sit around and drink beer...

until you're as loyal as Kiff here.

Yes, sir, sir.

Um, may I have a beer, sir?

No, you're loyal enough already.

Meanwhile, I have a plan.

We will single-handedly attack...

our archenemy, the Neutral planet.

Oh, geez.

Once the Neutral war machine lies in ruins...

I'll be a hero again...

and the DOOP will reinstate me as captain.

But, sir, that plan makes no sense.

Maybe not to you, Kiff.

But if I recall correctly...

you were court-martialed in disgrace.

Ooh, burn!

Nailed you, buddy.

Prepare to continue...

the epic struggle between good and neutral.

This is awesome.

We're going to be, like, "Pow, pow, pow!"

And they're going to be like...

And then, we'll have pancakes to celebrate...

and I'll be, like...

Precisely.

Now, in the name of all that is good and honorable...

we'll call the Neutral president...

with a message of peace, then blast him.

Yes, sir, sirdy, sir, sir, sir!

Fly the white flag of war.

This is Zapp Brannigan...

of the good ship... Planet Express ship.

I come swinging the olive branch of peace.

Should we trust him, Your Neutralness?

All I know is, my gut says, "Maybe."

What now, chief?

Now, we crash the ship into their headquarters...

killing them in a hellish firestorm...

from which no living thing can escape.

Good, good. Then what?

Then your mission is complete.

I, meanwhile, will have ejected to safety...

wearing the only space suit on board.

Wait a second. Is this plan going to kill us?

Of course.

What do you think I meant by loyalty?

Now, help me into the only space suit.

It looks a bit sweaty in there...

so you may need to apply baby powder.

Leela, we want you to be captain again.

Let me guess:

He canceled nap time?

He ran out of beer?

So he's about to kill us.

We want Leela to be captain again.

So, it's mutiny, is it?

I never thought I'd see the day.

Come, Kiff, let's eject.

I found a children's space suit you can wear.

Well, to be honest, sir...

I'd rather stay here with Captain Leela.

She actually listens to what I have to...

Oh, no!

He's disabled the steering!

We're gonna crash!

Leela, save me!

And yourself, I guess.

And my banjo!

And Fry!

Okay, okay.

We have one chance.

Are you willing to do what I say as captain?

Absolutely.

Even if I make you work hard?

As your god is my witness.

Then go get the hover dolly you didn't break...

and load all the dark matter into the left engine.

Oh, man, that crap's heavy!

- And warm. - Just do it!

Your Neutralness, it's a beige alert.

If I don't survive...

tell my wife, "Hello."

Hurry!

I don't want to die at the age of 25!

Honey, unless we hit a time warp...

I wouldn't worry about it.

It's too low!

Quick!

You did it!

You actually did it!

And no one will have to punish anyone for the mutiny!

And so, when Captain Leela panicked...

perhaps distracted by female troubles...

my quick thinking allowed me to do whatever I did...

to save the day.

Captain Leela...

is this rambling story of magic and heroism true?

- Well, actually... - That-a-girl!

If they don't take him back, we can keep him as captain.

Your Honor, it's all true...

my female incompetence, Zapp's catlike reflexes...

the stuff that made no sense... all of it.

In that case, Zapp Brannigan...

I hereby restore your rank and parking privileges.

Oh, foo!

Come, Kiff...

we've got work to do.

I'll call and tell you about it.

Leela...

I just want you to know that even though you're mean...

you're the best captain ever.

Yeah, you're one dynamite lady.

Can we have the week off?

No!

Please?

Come on, Captain.

Oh, all right.

No time off!

Oh, man.

Let's mutiny.