Original subtitles

How y'doin'? I'm Cookie McDougal.

I used to be Cookie Falcone,

wife of Mafia big shot, Jimmy Falcone.

We was living the good life back then.

But I didn't know what was going on

and I didn't want to know.

'Cause I knew what was going on.

Anyway...

Jimmy's Uncle Cheech was giving away mob secrets

so it was only a matter of time

before he was six feet under.

And I've never been one to wait 'til the last minute.

[sobbing] He was such a good man.

I'm going to miss him so much.

Don't put red flowers beside red flowers,

what's the matter with you.

Poor Cheech, I will never forget his little laugh.

What're you doing?

You can't put food next to a dead body!

Get it out of here!

[sobbing] Oh Cheech, Cheech, Cheech...

Wait get back here give me a crab cake.

Oh, it's dry!

Cook, I got news.

I know Jimmy.

It wasn't your fault.

You did everything you could,

but Don Gambini is an unbending man.

He bent when he hit the pavement,

I'll tell ya that.

These crab cakes are dry.

Hey. Who died?

Holy crap! Cheech, you're alive!

I'm so happy.

Jimmy, you got the Don to call off the hit?

Well, yes and no. Mostly no.

See, I threw the Don out a window,

everyone wants to whack me, so we're moving to Canada.

[wailing]

And that's how we wound up living in Regina -

Vagina -Saskatchewan.

But if you think livin' here is gonna change us...

you can go [beep] yourself!

"Fugget about it!"

She meant to say, "fugget about it!"

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

[sucking noise]

[harp music]

Welcome, my son.

How ya doin'? I'm Jimmy Falcone.

Jimmy Falcone... Jimmy Falcone...

[laughs] I'm just kidding.

You're not on the list.

You're sooo not on the list.

Maybe this'll change your mind.

Jimmy, you've done terrible things in your life.

Murder, assault, trying to bribe your way into Heaven.

Okay, try Jimmy McDougal.I don't think so.

[coughs]

Are you alright? Do you need some water?

We'll give you water.

Sparkling or holy?

[gasping]

Wow, that could've been terrible.

What happened?

You got a wiener stuck in your throat.

I tried giving you mouth to mouth

but I just kept pushing it further in,

so I gave you the behind-lick.

Cheech, I was at the Gates of Heaven,

and they wouldn't let me in.

They said I done terrible things with my life.

Who the hell are they to judge?

I don't know, Cheech.

It seemed so real, like I was actually there.

Let me axe you somethin', Jimmy.

You ever wear a jacket you haven't worn in a while

and find a hundred dollar bill in the pocket?

I dunno, I guess.

Well, that did not happen to me,

but I did find Donny the Irishman's ear

and a yo-yo in my pocket.

Get the hell outta here. A yo-yo?

Yup. Hey, an alley.

I better take a leak.

You never know how far 'til the next one.

[pulls zipper]

We would like to buy some marijuana, please.

Alright, let's see the money.

You just took our money.

You callin' me a thief?

Let's beat the crap out of them.

What's taking him so long?

Cheech, come on, let's go!

[cat howls]

[loud clatter]

[high-pitched scream]

[loud explosion]

Thanks mister! You saved our lives!

What am I going to do? Not save your lives?

They got a special place in Heaven for people like you,

thanks again.

[sigh]

Jimmy, you ever been in an alley that didn't smell?

Hey, what happened here?

I saved some kids from getting their asses kicked.

I done something good.

I done something good too, I drowned a spider.

Look at that, all that reefer going up in smoke.

Hey, we're like those two stoners from the movies:

Cheech and Jimmy.

I guess we ought to tie these guys up.

You got a rope?

Yeah, in my Boy Scout survival bag.

They let you in?

They told me the cut off was thirty-five.

I know, I'll use the yo-yo.

Oh man, look at that.

Another ear.

And it's also a left.

Whose jacket is this?

Okay, first of all, we have to tenderize the meat.

How do we do that?

You try.

[grunting]

[crazed laughter]

[maniacal laughter]

[panting]

Now what?

We order a pizza... and a therapist.

[♪]

Petey! I was watching MTV!

I want to watch the news!

I want to watch "Real Teen Grandmas"!

Those shows are stupid.

Nuh-uh!

I want to find out if Amber's going to deliver today

or if she's still grounded.

I stand corrected.

I gotta say, it felt really good

helping those drug-buying frat boys.

It was almost heroic.

Just think how you'd feel if you'd done it on purpose.

Petey, put on Teletoon.

The coyote and running-bird show is on.

I bet this time the bird gets eaten...

And last night in downtown Regina,

a vigilante broke up a drug deal.

A vigilante, how cool is that?

Hey! That looks like -

A good job by some good citizen.

Police claim the dealers were tied up with a yo-yo!

So let's go to the man on the street.

Vigilante: epic or not epic?

Epic!

Because a vigilante right here in Regina?

That's going to bring tourists

because they know they'll be safe!

It's also The Cabbage Festival.

So double epic!Correct!

Not epic.

You go to hell!

Epic. Protecting our children.

Keeping drugs off the street.

That's epic.

Keeping drugs off the street, not epic.

Vigilante?

Epic!

And he did it with a Yo Yo, he's the yo yo vigilante,

I just came up with that.

Now over to Brick Fitman with sports.

[cheering]

It's not even game-day and fans have come out in droves

to support the yo-yo vigilante!

Gimme a "V"!"V"!

Gimme an "I"!"I"!

Gimme a "J"!"J"!

Who wants yo-yos?

Get your yo-yos, Who wants Yo-yos?

Ow, my eye!

My teeth!

My baby!

V-I-J-J-I-L-A-T-T-E.

Whatz that spell?

[confused muttering]

EPIC!

You believe this, Cheech!

The whole town's talking about us.

They love us!

Unbelievable!

Just for beating up a bunch of bikers.

I used to beat up people all the time.

Nobody loved me.

They called me "the assailant".

Or "that guy".

I didn't like that.

They would point and say, "that guy".

Would it have killed them to learn my name?

I got a feeling this could be a chance for me, Cheech.

I mean, maybe there's a reason I nearly choked on a wienie.

Maybe I can be a real... hero.

What about me?

Can I be your, what do you call it, boy toy?

You mean, boy wonder?

I don't know. What was Robin?

Boy toy.Okay, not that.

How we gonna do this, Jimmy?

What if we don't see no more bad guys?

Oh, we'll see them.

Or better yet... they'll see us.

[British accent] Oh my, I am so drunk!

Why would I leave my fancy mansion

with so much money and expensive jewellery

for someone to rob from me

in my defenceless drunken state?

Oh my, I am far too drunk to ever fight back

if someone tried to take my wads of cold, hard,

untraceable cash!

Why or Why would I come to a seedy bar such as this,

it's like I am asking for it.

It's as if I'm saying, "Please rob me."

Take heed, stranger.

We don't want nobody to taking advantage

of your defenceless condition.

They might steal all that fine jewellery

so loosely hanging from your neck.

I think I will go outside to the alley, kind sir.

I feel the need to throw up

from the large amounts of alcohol that I have consumed.

Ba-arf.

Ba-arf!

Hey, rich guy -

You been yo-yoed, punk.

[woman screams]

Sounds like trouble. Let's roll.

Hey Jimmy, we're like that cop team,

"Starsky and Cheech".

[♪]

And I assure you this is not acceptable behaviour

by any citizen of Regina.

We are the Mounties and we will catch this...

"yo-yo vigilante".

He will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

Why do you want to prosecute him?

He's doing your job better than you!

Because the law clearly states -

Why can't the Mounties arrest these crooks

before the vigilante?

Well, I don't think the yo-yo -

Yo, yo, what do you got against the yo-yo?

Is there a drug problem in Regina?

Why have yo-yos been banned from schools?

How often do you mount your horse?

Finally.

Regina has something Saskatoon doesn't!

We have the only vigilante hero

in the great province of Saskatchewan.

What do you think, Jimmy?

Epic or not epic?

I bet he's just a regular guy

who puts on his pants one sleeve at a time.

I wish I was more like him.

Prowling the streets at night.

Making my own rules.

Getting kisses from women I'm not related to.

So you like this guy, huh?

You think he's gonna get into Heaven?

He's already in Heaven, Jimmy.

This is Regina.

No, Toby. This is Heaven's nut sack.

But it deserves to be safe.

I heard he's nineteen, six-four, blonde hair,

and has his own car.

Well, a lady at the market told the cashier

that her cousin saw him, and he's actually thirty-eight,

gives foot massages and cries when it rains.

No, he's nineteen and he's perfect for me.

No, he's thirty-eight,

cares how your day was, and never misses the bowl!

Now go to your room!

Hey, what're you all talkin' about?

What everybody in town is talkin' about.

The Yo-Yo Vigilante.

I so want to make out with him.

You put that thought

out of your mind right now little lady!

That's sick!

I mean, the man's a criminal.

That's where I'm torn on this whole deal.

On the one hand he's bustin' crooks

which makes him a gavone,

on the other hand he's breakin' the law, which I respect.

I would just like to meet him for one night -

He said stop sayin' that.

You're Daddy's little girl.

[whispers] To the Yo-Cave.

I know you're the yo-yo vigilante.

Petey, I admit to being a yo-yo dieter.

I just can't shake those last eighty pounds.

But a vigilante? That's crazy talk.

Oh, is it?

Alright, you caught us.

But it just sorta happened.

We didn't plan it.

We were a little drunk.

It was an accident, but your mother and I still love you -

oh wait, wrong speech.

Alright, how'd you know?

Every sound in this house travels through those vents

and into my room.

Yeah, well if you think you heard Gloria

from the car wash in here the other night, you did not.

So you admit, you're the vigilante.

You rat us out and I'll come at you with the full force

of a sixty-eight year old man.

Rat you out?

Au contraire...

I want to be the Q to your James Bond.

The Morgan Freeman to your Batman.

The Elton to your John.

I want you to use my crime fighting stuff.

Check this one out.

It's a modified stud-finder

that identifies the guilty and the criminally insane.

[beep]Hey, it works!

This is my masterpiece.

Laser-farting gum.

It's perfect if you're being chased.

Try one.

What does it do?

Give me your finger.

[fart noise]

[loud blast]

I like it.

Plus, there'll never be any doubt who dealt it.

[ringtone]

The Mountie wants to see us right away.

Hang on, I haven't shown you my best one.

The Holographic Lady.

How does that fight crime?

Who cares?!

[horse whinnies]

I'm sorry to drag you out at this time of night,

but it's about the yo-yo vigilante.

I think I read something about that.

Some handsome hero runnin' around town

stopping bad guys and thumbin' his nose at you feds?

He's no hero.

It's against the law to take the law into your own hands,

and I aim to stop him.

So, stop him. What's it got to do with us?

I... need your experience.

As you may know, the legendary "Take me" diamond

is on display at the Regina Museum of Stuff...

And I want you to steal it.

Now you're talkin' my language.

Not really steal it, of course.

I want you to break into the museum and attempt to steal it.

When the vigilante arrives to stop you,

I will swoop in and arrest him.

You see gentlemen,

sometimes it takes a criminal to catch a criminal.

Aw man, you had to go and gay it up.

What's in it for us, McCool?

A chance to feel good about doing the right thing, Jimmy.

Something I believe, you really, really want.

You can't tell me what I want, what I really, really want.

Alright, but you owe us.

See you there at midnight.

Midnight it is.

For Canada,

and getting antiquated lyrics stuck in your head!

[sonic boom]

Come find me, my hero.

What the -

What are you doing, young lady?

Mo-om!You get in the house!

That's so unfair!

I hate you!

And get me some batteries!

There's some in my night-stand, next to my -

Never mind. I'll get it.

Alright, I'll be right over there.

When I give the signal,

you move in on the diamond.

That's when the vigilante will surely make his move.

I hope we catch those guys, Jimmy.

How are we gonna catch those guys?

We are those guys.

Right...

Well, if I catch you, I'm gonna let you go.

You're my nephew, for Chrissakes!

No one's catching anybody.

It's really simple.

All we gotta do is sit here until morning

'cause nobody's showin' up.

Hey, look it's Gina -Shut up.

McCool can't know Gina busted in.

McCool, look!

There's a hot girl in a bikini down the hall.

She's getting away!

My goodness!

The vigilante is a woman!

Of course!

That's why we couldn't find her.

We were only looking for a man.

How sexist of us.

How un-Canadian.

How despicable.

And look at that ass.

Madame, you're under arrest!

Gina, what the hell are you doing?

What's it look like I'm doing?

I'm taking that diamond!

What the hell you doing here?

What are you going to do with a giant diamond?

I'm gonna fence it, duh!

No, I'm going to wind up fencing it for ya,

'cause you don't know any fences.

It'll be just like the time you got that hamster,

and I wound up feeding it,

cleaning its cage and walking it.

Then when you didn't want it anymore

I'm the one who had to

"drive it out to a farm in the country".

But Pop...Get home!

But -Now!

Man.

When I grow up,

I'm gonna let my children steal whatever they want.

She's gonna make a damn fine mom someday.

Oh no, McCool's coming back.

Okay, quick.

What happened?

The vigilantes got us. Where were you?

We coulda been hurt.

Yeah, ow.

It's the damnedest thing.

The bikini lady just...disappeared.

Then I got a call from my captain

saying they've captured the vigilante.

What?

It was your boss from the Tourism Bureau.

He confessed.

A Toby something?

I did it! It was me!

I'm the vigilante!

And visit Regina!

What the hell is that idiot kid doing?

I dunno.Me neither.

Sweet!

For once I'm not the dumber guy.

This is bad, Cheech.

How could they have arrested Toby?

Not only is he not the yo-yo vigilante,

he's the nicest guy in the world.

That kinda hurts my feelings, Jimmy.

It's like the whole world has gone topsy-curvy.

I try to do good things so that I can redeem myself,

and a nice guy goes to jail because of it.

They'll eat that kid alive in there.

Cheech, our next act of vigilantilism

is bustin' Toby outta prison.

It's so exciting to be bad again...

or good... whichever this is.

So. A new plan unfolds.

Oh, for the love of...

Go outside, ya little freak!

Give me your wallet!

Alright, alright here.

Scream for help or I'll shoot!

Help!

Here, go home. You're useless.

Theresa!

What the hell are you doing?

Nothing. Just meeting guys.

You're trying to meet that vigilante.

I told you, he's too old for you.

Theresa Maria Falcone, is that a gun?

It's just a water pistol. See?

[loud gunshot]Son of a [beep]!

It's a real gun!

No wonder it kept leaking.

Give me that thing! You get in the house!

You're grounded!

Go-od, that's like so unfair.

Shake it off, Cookie. Shake it off.

It's just a gunshot wound. You've had worse.

Help! Help! I've been shot!

I need a vigilante!

Nothin'.

[♪]

[blades whirring]

What do we do now?

Now...we chew.

Lock and load.

[♪]

[loud farts]

[loud explosion]

[♪]

There's a ton of guys in here. How we gonna find ours?

The Modified Stud-muffin Finder.

[beeps]

Do you wanna buy some memorabilia?

I got O.J. jerseys.

I got bubble gum cards...

gloves...

They're hard to get on, but they come off easy.

How about a knife?

...where'd I put that thing?

Damn, I can never find that knife.

Did you know he was a football player

before he was a criminal?

[crackling]

[beeps]

Hey, come here. Come on.

Come closer.

Let me put this gun in your mouth

and I'll write you a song.

Come on.

Just for fun.

I've been drinking, what could go wrong?

Jimmy, don't look but I think that guys wearing a wig.

We'll never find Toby with this thing.

Everyone in here's a criminal,

except the guy we're looking for.

Then we reverse the polarities.

Star Trek?The View.

[crackling]

Hey!

You're the two fellas who got me put in here.

I didn't do anything.

I was just jogging with my metrosexual man bag!

You think I haven't used that one?

I invented "I didn't do it".

[beep beep beep]

His story checks out.

And all I was tryin' to do

was give you back your stupid monocle.

Here.

His story too.

Yeah, and I'm in here

for trying to save a dog from Michael Vick's car.

I don't get it.

Everyone I put away was innocent.

I finally try to do some good and it all goes bad.

And why am I in my underwear?

Jimmy, look!

It's the Fishman of Alcatraz.

Swim! Swim like the wind!

We gotta find all the people we got arrested and set them free!

Not me, Jimmy. [maniacal laugh]

I'm already free!

This is where I belong!

These are my people!

[growls]

Thank you, Jimmy!

Thank you for doing good for once!

And now I eat you alive!

[loud roar]

[screaming]

...and then Toby eats us.

Man, can you imagine if that happened?

Jimmy, you are so high!

[laughs]

Shut up. Don't make me laugh...

[laughs]

Stop.

So what do ya think?

Should we tie these guys up?

Are you outta your mind?

Then the whole story could come true.

We gotta get outta here

before we do something good by mistake.

What about Heaven?

Some people are put on this earth to do good, Cheech.

Let's get outta here before they come and arrest us.

That sure was a crazy story, Jimmy.

But lemme tell you somethin'.

I am the demon Garflop!

Knock it off already.