Original subtitles

Welcome. Bienvenue.[horse whinnies]

My name is RCMP Special Agent Strait McCool.

I was just your ordinary run-of-the-mill Mountie,

until that day I first heard the name Jimmy Falcone.

I'd like to request a transfer, sir.

Again?

You'd be my best agent

but you've got ants in your pants.

I've put you on vice, narcotics, homicide.

You've cleaned up the entire west side...

of this country!

What's even left for you?

Witness protection.

What? Forget it! Not a chance!

Reforming the most hardened American criminals

and turning them into respected members of society...

What a challenge. What an honour.

Can't do it, McCool.

You're too valuable to me on the streets.

I want the Falcone case, Chief.

Nay, I demand it!

Don't you nay me, Mister!

You're too high up for a job like that.

And I'm not gonna demote my best officer

just 'cause he wants to join the baby sitter's club!

I had to take action.

Perhaps there was something I could learn

from Jimmy Falcone.

You are so demoted.

And that, kind viewers,

is how I received this assignment.

And I won't rest until this ragtag American household

becomes the epitome of fine Canadian citizenship.

And if you think I'm ever going to give up on this family -

Vagina-

...You can forget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

Next item on the agenda...

As you know, the annual Regina Winter Carnival is here,

and one of us will be spending the week

manning the tourism booth.

Hold up.

Did you just say one of us gets a week off

to go to a carnival?

Well, not so much a week off as -

A week off.

Man, I would kill for that.

Hell, I used to whack guys for a lot less.

I once whacked a guy just for a Klondike bar.

I should write the company and tell them that.

They're always lookin' for positive testimonials.

...And since I've done it for the past five years,

I've decided I should be the one to go.

Hooray! Wait!

No, actually,

I think it's great that you're gonna go

to this carnival instead of me.

It'll give me a chance

to try out some new ideas around here.

New ideas?

I was just thinking I'd reorganize the files,

clean out the rolodex,

move all the bats and bites on the computer.

You won't even recognize the place

when I'm done.

I have an idea.

You go to the carnival.

Oh, all right, fine.

But you owe me.

Cookie, you ever see that Tom Cruise-Dustin Hoffa movie,

"It's Raining Men"?

For argument's sake I'll say yes.

So this guy has an artistic brother,

terrible with the socialism,

but he's like some kinda superhero.

He could count cards.

It's hardly a superpower.

So I been thinkin', Petey stinks with people.

You ever think he's one of them artistics?

Watch how you talk about my son.

He doesn't know what I'm saying.

Whatcha making there, Sport?

It's a high energy particle accelerator in a bottle.

It's like a ship in a bottle,

but mine's a miniature high energy particle accelerator,

and it's fully functional.

Ain't that something.

But you can't go to the store by yourself.

Of course I can.

Wait...

You think I'm autistic?

I'm not autistic,

and I take offence to your autism stereotypes.

Autistic individuals are people like you and I,

and have a lot to offer their communities.

Petey, where'd you go? Retard-land?

So as I was saying, how many toothpicks?

Three...?

Look at this guy, a freakin' genius.

Hey, hey, hey,

who wants to go to a Winter Carnival?

Ooh, a family outing.

I've been going stir crazy here all week.

It's always "mommy this, mommy that,

can I have this, can I have that,

he took my this, she took my that,

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy".

[groan]

It's not about you, kids.

A carnival?

No one but rubes and easy marks go to carnivals.

[gasp] Okay, I'm in.

I am so going to win Carnival Queen.

Do I have time to throw up,

or should I purge on the way?

You ain't going nowhere, kid.

We gotta practice.

How many cards am I holding up?

One?

There'll be no stoppin' him!

Okay, later.See ya.

[loud thumping]

Oh Jimmy, a sleigh ride.

Let's go.

Just you and me...

keeping each other warm...

making people uncomfortable

watching us doing it in public...

[chuckles]

It'll be like old times.

Maybe later, honey,

I gotta go work the tourism booth.

What, you're gonna leave me here all alone?

Some husband you are.

I know that was sarcastic, but...

Thank you!

Say ah.

Mommy'll be back soon, have fun.

Wow!

Mama Mia, that's an-icy meatball!

Did you make this?You like?

I done a lotta ice pick work in my day,

but never with actual ice.

Would you like to give it a try?

Thanks, but I got my own.

[indistinct crowd murmuring]

[gasps]

[Aaahs]

[Blue Danube Waltz playing]

Hi, I'm Gina.

Hi, I'm Oliver.

Get offa my turf, Oliver!

And now for everyone's favourite event,

where the ladies really get to strut their stuff,

it's... Parka Time!

[music and cheering]

This is ridiculous.

How is anyone going to know how hot I am?

[gasps]

Alright, who wants to see a wet t-shirt contest -

Nooooo!

Hey, that's my talent!

Why can't we go to the carnival?

Just count the cards

and we'll do whatever you want.

Come on, one, two, three,

after three, next after three, next after that.

Tell me when we get to Blackjack.

That's not how card counting works, Uncle Cheech.

The idea is to know

when there's a concentration of high cards in the deck,

which favours the player.

You assign positive, negative,

or zero values to each card

and keep a running count.

And I'm not autistic!

I wonder what goes on in that tormented brain of yours.

He's magnificent.

I've never seen anything like it.

I've been to New York. It looks just like that!

Who is he? Yes, who is he?

Sweet Lady Gaga, is that who I think it is?

And he's brilliant.

The gentle touch, the keen eye.

How could this be?

He'll be famous.

He'll be revered...

and revealed!

Oh this is terrible.

His enemies will find him, and kill him.

This is the best ice-sculpting I've seen

since Ice-pick McGee.

I'm gonna put you on the cover of Life Magazine.

Let's see what's under that scarf.

Oh no! I must create a diversion.

Face-off!

Works every time.

Jimmy, a word.S'up?

You magnificent bastard.

You're truly gifted

and must never do this again.

Oh come on!

I'm really good at this,

and I never been good at nothing 'cept gangstering.

Look what I made. It's a work of...

What's that word, rhymes with fart?

I'm sorry, Jimmy, it's too high profile.

It'll make you famous.

[thump]

Two minutes! Roughing!

Your enemies will find you and kill you.

But it pains me

to hide your talents from the world.

But I don't want to see you dead.

But to not let you share your gift

would violate the laws of truth and beauty itself.

You done arguing with yourself yet?

Yes. No. Maybe.

No... Yes.

Come on McCool. I'll wear my disguise.

I won't tell anyone. Not even Cookie.

No one will know.

I'd like to believe you Jimmy, but I've met you.

I swear on the lives of my children.

Alright.

But you'll need a fake name.

We'll call you Jinksy.

What, [beep]hole was already taken?

[♪]

Bad omen, kid.

We'll come back tomorrow.

[♪]

Help me...

Help me!

It's 3 a.m. Where the hell you been?

Cook, you have no idea how much work it is.

All those tourists needing directions...

pamphlets...

ideas of things to do...

They just take and take.

I got nothing left to give.

The carnival closes at ten.

Where the hell you going each night?

Jimmy... Tell me the truth -

are you going back to crime?

No, I promise.

That means you're cheatin' on me, you piece of [beep]!

Get the hell out! This ain't your bed no more!

Cookie, I ain't, I promise.

Come on, I'm too tired to argue.

I'll sleep on the couch.

Oh Virgin Mary I need you.

I don't know what to do.

My husband -

I think my husband is cheating on me!

Alright girlfriend, spill.

Tell mama everything.

And don't leave out one juicy detail.

I don't know.

He comes home late every night, exhausted,

but with a big smile on his face.

And he won't tell me why.

Does he still want to pork ya?

I don't know.

I try but he just rolls over and falls asleep.

Oh yeah, he's cheatin'.

[loud wail]

What, you want me to lie to you?

He's a guy.

If he ain't getting it from you,

he's getting it from someone.

[loud sobbing]

Okay, okay, quit your blubberin'.

Look, Joseph wasn't giving me the time of day either.

Then I hop into bed with God

and suddenly he's all over me.

Throwing a party in a manger...

Showering me with gold and frankincense and myrrh--

like I need any more [beep]in' myrrh.

So get out there and make him jealous, girlfriend.

Sleep around and win your man back.

I could never do that.

I took a vow.

I... I love my husband.

That fat freak.

Alright, but don't expect someone

to magically appear in the middle of the night

and do ya...

'cause that's only happened once.

Thinks he can leave me home every night?

Well I don't have to stay home.

I can have fun without him.

So this is that Jinksy everyone is talking about.

Wow, it really is beautiful.

Dogs Playing Holdup...

Skater Getting Whacked In The Kneecaps At The Olympics...

Swan and...

...Mistress!

[sobbing]

Cookie.

Why are you crying, uh...

Miss?

It's... It's just so beautiful...

And so sad.

Sad? Why sad?

Because he's cheating on his wife.

Like my husband is cheating on me!

On you? No way.

I'd -- he'd have to be a total moron

to cheat on a classy broad like you.

Oh, you're just saying that.

No I ain't.

I'm sure every day he thinks about how special you are

and how lucky he is.

And if he ain't,

then he don't deserve you.

How ya doin'? I'm Jinksy.

You're Jinksy?

Oh, I love your work.

It's inspired.

You touch me deep in my soul.

In a way I never felt before.

I was just about to say the same thing to you.

Now you're making me blush.

Jinksy!

I didn't tell you to stop. [laughs]

Will you excuse me a minute?

What?

Can't a guy flirt with his own wife anymore?

Remember your promise, Jimmy.

She doesn't even know it's me.

I could have some fun with this.

Sounds kind of twisted.

I know.

How often does a guy get a chance

to seduce his wife a second time?

Well, just be careful.

Hey, like I'm gonna catch anything from my own wife.

I'll wear a rubber.

I don't feel right about this, Uncle Cheech.

Gambling is wrong.

No it ain't.

How do you think I won my third wife?

Here, have a drink.

Is this alcohol?

But I'm a minor.

Relax, I put it in your sippy cup.

Don't worry, he's got a fake ID.

And keep 'em coming.

Twenty one. Player wins.

[♪]

Stand! Split! Double-down! Stand!

Another round for all my friends!

And a little extra something for you toots.

Hoh! I created a monster!

It's beautiful.

A pale imitation of the real thing.

Oh Jinksy, I've had such a wonderful time tonight.

I don't want it to end.

Maybe it don't have to.

But Jinksy... I'm a married woman.

You deserve better.

You deserve the best.

I shouldn't.

Yeah, you should.

I shouldn't.

Yeah, you should.

Oh, it's on.

[Opera music playing]

That was amazing.

You were amazing.

Am I ever going to see you again?

Tomorrow too soon?

I got a big show and it would mean a lot to me

to have you there in my corner.

I wouldn't miss it.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Oh yeah. I still got it.

Jimmy Falcone's still got it.

Wait a minute. She didn't know I was me.

She thought I was him.

Holy crap. My wife just cheated on me!

Alright Jimmy, calm down.

Go to your happy place.

Cookie is your wife.

By definition

that means no cheating has taken place.

But she didn't know it was me.

She thought she was boffin' Jinksy.

And you are Jinksy,

ergo she was "boffing" you.

Yeah, with her body.

I'm talking about her mind.

What does she see in this guy?

I repeat - "this guy" is you.

Well, what do I got that I don't got?

Jimmy, I'm afraid I can't help you on this one,

so I bid you adieu.

For Canada, where we keep adultery in the family!

[sonic boom]

Okay.

It's time to put on the charms

and win back my wife from that son of a bitch me!

So listen, about last night...

What? What about last night?

I'm sorry I been working so hard.

I know I ain't been a model T husband lately,

but it's a new day and I'm here to make things right.

Now I don't wanna come off mushy or anything...

...but, you wanna get nailed?

Tell you what.

You go upstairs and get started...

then finish without me!

Jinksy!

Hit me.

Kid, you got twenty. You gotta stand.

You shut your face, old man!

Nobody tells me what to do.

I said give me the Ace!

Holy crap. It's an ace.

Whoooo! I knew it!

I counted them!

You see that?

I counted them!

I'm a card-counting Mother[beep].

I'm autistic, bitches!

You and me kid! We're going all the way!

I knew it from the day you was born

there was something special about you!

Sir, would you come with me please?

I never seen this kid before in my life.

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Brad Wickers, along with Sal Foster,

and what a treat we have in store for you tonight...

It's...

Jinksy versus Block of Ice! Sal?

As you can see, Block of Ice

dominates in height and weight,

but Jinksy enjoys speed and a definite reach advantage,

so anything can happen.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The moment you've been waiting for...

The Fighting Iceman...

The Chip Off The Ol' Block...

The Pick of Regina...

Jjjjjjjjjjj--inksyyyyy!

[♪]

♪ Living in Saskatchewan

♪ plain to plain, three TV stations ♪

♪ Living in Saskatchewan

♪ snow to snow, an arctic nation ♪

♪ Living in Saskatchewan

♪ frostbite leads to amputation ♪

I must break you.

Cookie?

Cookie, I love you!

I love you too, Jinksy!

Jinksy?

Jiiiinnnkkksssyyyyy!

You bring shame and dishonour to our proud establishment.

You can't prove nothing.

I'm a card-counting Mother[beep].

That could be anyone.

You have disrespected our house

and our house rules.

In return, we shall confiscate your winnings.

Over my dead body.

Such arrangements are possible.

Wait! Uncle Cheech, he's right.

This is no place for a fifteen year old.

It's not even legal for me to be here.

Let's go, I should turn myself over

to the Gambling Authority.

Whoa. Fifteen, you say.

Let us not be hasty,

no need to get the authorities involved.

You may keep your winnings.

Go in peace Head Shaped Like Egg.

You done good, kid. Real good.

Thanks, Uncle Cheech.

You know, I'm still not really sure

why I said and did all those things

I normally would never do.

Yep, booze has a way a doing that to ya.

But be careful,

you'll go to bed with some very beautiful women --

Yay!

-- and wake up with some very ugly ones.

Oh.

But they're still women, right?

Not if it's tequila.

Booo! He's just standing there.

Stop pickin' your nose and start pickin' the ice,

ya bum!

I'm so confused.

The more I'm Jinksy,

the more Jimmy loses Cookie.

But if I'm Jimmy

then I can't be Jinksy.

Do I do my art and lose my wife?

Or do I do my wife and lose my art?

Or do I do a doobie and put on some Pink Floyd?

Have you ever seen anything like it, Sal?

No, and I once saw a donkey show in Tijuana.

Jinksy is stinksy!

Fake!

Go back to making ice cubes, ya bum!

Your work is derivative!

What a debacle.

And there you have it.

Arena ice sculpting.

Wow, what were we thinking?

Alright, that's it from the Friendly Giant Arena

in fugly downtown Regina.

Stay tuned for Degrassi: The Mid-Life Crisis Years.

This seat taken?

That depends.

You looking to sit down next to a bum?

You stop right there, mister.

I don't care what anyone else thinks.

You're not a bum.

You're Jimmy Falcone.You know?

What, you think I've never seen you in a nylon stocking before?

And they're my nylons!

Plus you used your normal voice, ya big dope.

I knew from the beginning.

I never could put anything past you, Cook.

I'm sorry I neglected ya...

and made you think I was cheatin' on you...

and lied to you, and seduced you,

and banged ya on a block of ice.

I'll never do most of it again.

You kiddin' me?

That was the best sex I ever had!

It was like you were my husband...

but you weren't my husband...

Like forbidden fruit.

And kinda kinky.Hell yeah!

I'm just glad it's all out in the open.

'Cause I couldn't take another guy

getting with you,

even if that other guy was me.

It's all you, baby. It's all you.

Uh, you mind putting the mask back on?

Now that, people, is art!

Help me... Help me!