Original subtitles

Which one's the button again?

Ah, there it is.

Hey How ya doin'? I'm Cheech Falcone, well...

McDougal.

I got the alias in witness protection

'cause of my nephew Jimmy.

I don't like it, but I had no choice.

So there's a contract out on me. Big deal!

I mean, maybe I spilled a few secrets to anyone who'd listen,

but there's a lotta other secrets I'd never tell a soul.

Like the fact that we faked the moon landing.

We were the ones who shot Dick Cheney's friend in the face.

And we took the Weapons of Mass Distraction out of Iraq.

Someone got the memo wrong, but still...us!

So anyways, my nephew's gonna straighten things out

with Don Gambini.

Whose first name, oddly enough, is Don.

So, if he wanted,

he could call himself Don Don, which I would do.

I mean, how cool would that be?

Cheech don't mean no harm.

He's just a little light in the cranial region -

I got nothin' to worry about.

Jimmy'll get me off the hook.

[loud crash]

Ma-rone!

Don Don's a pancake!

Then the mob tried to kill us,

Jimmy ratted everyone out to the Feds.

and we wound up in Regina -

- Va-gina! No, wait, you were right.

-but if you think that's gonna stop me

from shooting my mouth off, you can just.

What is it? I fugget what it is.

Fugget about it!That's the one!

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.

Okay, twelve-nothing.

Hey Ma, I just saw Petey upstairs

with one of them magazines where nobody's got no clothes on.

What? Peter Frampton McDougal!

You stop right now!

No son of mine is washing with the Devil's handsoap!

Alright, that worked, she's gone.

Listen up.

I got a line on something big.

Really? Sounds big!

First things first.

Every time I hatch a scheme, you two gavones cut me out.

Not this time.

Either I'm in all the way or I keep this to myself.

Isn't she cute?

Playin' hardball like her old man.

Okay, it's a deal, sweetie.

Alright.

You know Al Capone?

Only the architect of modern crime!

I love his work. Truly an inspiration.

Well, he ran his bootleggin' operation from a town near here.

He dug all these tunnels to hide from the cops,

and that's where his famous secret vault is.

Ya kiddin' me. What's this town called?

Moose Jaw.

Look Gina, there's no town called Moose Jaw.

It's just a crazy made up name.

Like Albuquerque.

What do you know? The kid's onto something.

There's one thing I don't get.

What's that?Fractions, Jimmy.

I never understood fractions.

Hey Anna, what's wrong?

I'm just feeling down because no one ever asks me out.

How do I get someone to ask me out?

Sorry, I have no frame of reference.

Of course not.

You can get any guy you want without even trying.

Heck, I even get guys I don't want without even...

Ya-maa-ha-maa, who's that?

[sigh] His name is Johnny -

Can't talk. Lusting.

Okay, Bye.

Hey.Hello? Is somebody there?

There sure is. I'm Theresa.

Theresa? From Mr. Henderson's class?

Shown up twice and getting straight A's?

Guilty as charged.

Wanna frisk me?No thanks.

What's wrong with you? I'm hot!

Are you blind or something?Hello?

Oh thank God, you can't see.

I thought it was me.

Yep, lucky you.

How about you and I... uhh...

This is weird, I usually seal the deal with "Hey".

Sorry, no offense,

but I like women with brains, ideas,

something going on upstairs.

Come on over to my house,

we'll get something goin' on upstairs.

Oh, so it's not enough you blind people get all the best parking.

Now you think you're too good for me?

Well I'm too good for you mister.

Who am I kidding, I am so in love.

[horse whinnies]I'm starting to enjoy these clandestine meetings, Jimmy.

The subterfuge, the intrigue, the covertness of it all!

Me too.

And by the way, if Cookie ever asks,

we meet here every night.

Anyway, I need permission to go outta town.

Impossible.

Your witness protection agreement strictly forbids it.

But it's really important.

Important? How so?

Um. Alright, I'll level with you.

Cheech built himself a rocket.

He's always been a whadayacallit, amateur Rockette.

Rocketeer, yes?

So we was gonna go out to the woods and launch the thing.

We don't wanna do it in the city and blow our cover.

James McDougal, I know you well enough

to know when you're telling a lie -

And, frankly, this one is a doozey!

Alright, you got me. We just wanna go to Moose Jaw.

We hear the tacos are pretty good.

Moose Jaw? That's hardly out of town!

It's just down the road. Practically a suburb.

Permission granted.

For Canada, and naming cities when you're drunk!

[loud sonic boom]

What are you doing?

I'm in love with a blind guy,

so I'm trying to learn sign language.

Uhhh.

But it's useless.

I should just forget about him.

He only dates smart girls.

I've faked alot of things in my life, but never smart!

Alright Petey, I searched your room, the attic, and the garage.

Where's the pornography?

Mother, I don't have any pornography.

Don't give me that!

If you've got porn, you're a pervert.

And if you don't have porn than why the hell don't you have porn

because boys your age have porn!

That's not to say I don't know my way around a woman's body.

Ew.

What I don't get is how the kid knows where Capone's vault is?

I told ya, I'm only dolin' out information

on a need-to-know basis.

This kid, she kills me.

Al Capone's tunnels.

I'm impressed, and I'm not easily impressed.

Hey look, cows.

What? Cows? Woh would you look at that!

Cows Jimmy look!

Jimmy, just bein' in the same place Al Capone hung out

has got me all excited.

I've been excited since we pulled out of Vagina.

Yeah me too.

So let's get to it already!

Crack open a sewer cover and let's find them tunnels.

Three please.

Alright, we're in.

Alright you mugs.

I'm your tour guide, see?

You do as I say, see?

One wrong move and you get it, see?

Who does this punk think he is, orderin' us around?

Take it easy, it's part of the show.

Let's start the tour, see?

This way to Al Capone's Tunnels. See?

If he says "see" again, I'm blowin' his head off.

Did Capone dig these tunnels himself?

No, they were dug by Chinese immigrants

working under terrible conditions.

Terrible, I tells ya!

Did the Chinese then use these tunnels to deliver food?

Hold back.

The vault should be somewhere around here.

Again, how does she know all this?

Shut your piehole and make yourself useful.

Careful my soft spot.

[grinding sounds]

It's this one.

For the last time, how the hell does she know all this?

Al Capone's treasure.

Get ready to be rich.

Whoa, it's actually Al Capone!

This is unbelievable!That's it?

That's the treasure?

What a f---ing rip-off!

We go through all this trouble and what do we get?

Jewels, cash, gold?

No, a stinkin' Al Caponesicle!

Eh! A little respect for a dead homey.

Oh my God, you're alive?

Oh my God. You're fat!

Hey, is that nice?

I thought we were having a 'stating the obvious' contest.

Who the heck are you mugs?

I'm Jimmy, this is my Uncle Cheech.

I'm your biggest Jimmy, Mr. Uncle.

I'm Gina. I'm the one who sprung ya.

You're a legend to us gangsters everywhere, Mr. Capone.

Thanks. Why don't you call me Al.

So, fellas, we back in business?

Uh.

The short answer is "no".

The word "no" makes me sour, Jimmy.

Gimme the long answer.

Well, for starters, it's the twenty-first century.

You pullin' my leg?

I got into that contraption in 1932!

I was facin' hard time, see.

One day my associate, Frank Nitti, found a hobo

who looked just like me.

It was like looking in a mirror, see.

I offered him a thousand beans to do my time for me.

This egghead who made booze for me

invented a freezing machine.

He wanted to use it to freeze catsup, but I had another idea.

Thaw me when they parole the Hobo.

[screams]

I wonder what happened to that fella.

So you two are gangsters, eh?

I could use a couple of mugs like you.

I'm gonna start over, see.

You two are getting in on the ground floor.

It's the second coming of Al Capone.

How does two grand a year sound?

Really? You want us to work for you?

You're darn tootin'. First things first.

We gotta find a supplier for our whiskey.

Uh, booze is legal now.

They repealed prohibition.

Damn that Roosevelt.

He'll get his.

Well, there's still gambling, girls, all sorts of rackets.

Stick with me, boys. I know what I'm doing.

VOICE: You are ELEVEN kilometers from Regina.

This gal sounds like a real dish.

Thanks little lady.

What do you say we meet up over Manhattans

and I'll tell you a thing or two?

VOICE: Prepare to exit RIGHT.

Fine, be that way.

Boy, twenty-first Century dames sure can give ya the high hat.

Your face feels very handsome.

Theresa?

I'm supposed to do that to see what you look like.

Oh, right.

Whatchya ya finger reading?

Shakespeare.

Shakespeare. Born in Stratford on Avon?

Ya know, that's where makeup comes from.

Theresa, look, I'm flattered.

But when it comes to girls, it's what's inside that counts.

I don't care about looks.

Oh my God, you're into fat chicks.

I'm sorry.Oh yeah?

Well as the saying goes:

turn me down once, shame on me.

Turn me down twice...

go to hell!

Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, I present to you.

Mr. Al Capone.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Capone.

I'm Bonnie and this is Clyde.

Over there is Amelia Earhart. [chortles]

Something tells me she's givin' me the business.

Let's break out the good china before John Dillinger gets here.

I am so sorry about that, Al.

Hey, if I weren't me

I wouldn't believe I was Al Capone either.

Now be a doll and fix me a gimlet, will'ya?

I have no idea what a gimlet is.

Well kid, once we're back in business

I'll teach you to mix a hundred different drinks.

You'd also make a good cigarette girl.

I ain't gonna be no girl-in-short-skirts for nobody.

I got bigger plans.

You got moxie kid.

All right, I'll find something for you in the organization.

Stick with me and you'll be Charlie Potatas.

Now you're talking my language.

Here, have a beer.

Beer in a can? How do ya like that.

How do you open this thing?

Can you believe this?

We're gonna work for Al Capone.

You think the Mountie'll let us do that?

We won't need him.

We'll be big-shots in the new Capone organization.

We'll be on opposite sides of the law like nature intended.

Oh wait.

We can't work for Capone.

He'll find out I was a rat

and he'll deal with me the Chicago way.

What's dat mean?

He's gonna kill you with a lot of wind?

I'm talkin' a baseball bat to the head.

He can't ever know.

And the only way to make sure he never finds out

is to tell him we can't work for him.

Damn.Come on, Jimmy.

He's a stand-up guy.

[gunshot]If he learns it straight from you, he'll respect your honesty.

Have I ever steered you wrong?

How can you even say that with a straight face?

[sobbing]

What's wrong?

Blind boy is treating me like a stereotype.

He can't see how hot I am,

so he thinks there should be more to me.

I said, duh, you just need eyes.

Then he got all mad, stormed off and fell into a fountain.

For starters, maybe you should stop calling him blind boy.

Okay, fine.

But how do I snare this blind - I mean cripple?

First, go back to "blind boy".

Second.

Stop trying to act smart, stop acting anything.

Just be yourself.

I don't know what that means.

Well, if you don't know, how's he supposed to know?

I found THIS in the bathroom!

Tell me something, Petey, when Jesus comes back,

do you want him to see you abusing your body like that?

Do you want our Lord and saviour standing over you

while you're slapping the salami

like some kind of depraved zoo monkey?

Mom, it isn't--

Oh, you expect me to believe that, do you?

Well just know this.

Whenever you think you're alone, Mama's watching.

That won't cause problems later in life.

Alright Jimmy, if we're gonna run

a twenty-first century business,

I need to learn your twenty-first century gizmos.

Show me somethin'.

Listen Al, there's somethin' I gotta tell you.

What's this?

It's a cellular telephone. But Al --

A telephone? How do ya like them apples.

Operator, get me Klondike eight-two-one.

Hello? Hello?

That screwy dame's sleepin' on the job.

Al, I really gotta -

Look at that, you've got moving pictures in your living room.

It's called a television, but--

Who's the coloured kid talking?

He's the president of the United States.

I like you Jimmy, you make me laugh.

Look, Al, I gotta tell ya something.

Cheech and me,

we thought it over and we can't work for you.

Come on, Jimmy.

You can't back out now. I need you.

It's just that I done some terrible things.

We all done terrible things.

That's what makes us so good at our jobs.

No, but this one's really, really bad.

Even you wouldn't approve.

Come on, Jimmy.

You think I didn't do stuff I wasn't proud of?

I once shot my boss's dog.

I had to.

I shot my boss and the pooch saw the whole thing.

Now come on, tell your Uncle Al what you did.

Well, you promise you won't get mad?

I give you my word.

You no-good stool pigeon!

You gave me your word!

I don't gotta keep my word to you see!

You're a squealin' little squealer!

A low-down rat!

Not the words I'd choose, but yes.

[gunshot]But you said you needed me, Al.

You call me MISTER Capone!

There's rules in this racket, and you broke 'em, see!

[clicks]Dammit!

Mister Capone, come on, don't do this.

Go ahead and shoot.

'Cause I won't rest until you pay for what you done.

I can't do it.

Then I'll be back.

For blood!

Uh, your blood.

Yeah, no, I got it. [shuts door]

Hey Jimmy!

Don't sneak up on me like that!It's just me.

What do you mean "just me"? Did he tell you to say that?

What's wrong with you?

Al Capone's trying to kill me.

Jimmy, I put up with a lot, but gimme a break.

That guy is not Al Capone.

Yes he is!

We went through these tunnels in this other city

and found him cryo-magnetically frozen.

What?

You went outta town and you didn't take me?

Where's Uncle Al?

He's not your uncle, but if you see him comin'

whistle twice and throw Cheech in front of me.

Gina, switch seats. I want my back against the wall.

[loud bang]Pop, that was a car back-firin'.

Sounded like a shot.

I know the difference!

Look pop, for the record, if it comes down to it,

I'm on Capone's side.

I don't blame ya kid,

with me out of the way you're going to need a father figure.

Jimmy, this can't go on.

You're hiding there like a little girl.

No offense, Gina.Up yours.

You're intimidated by the fact that he's a legend.

Think of him as just a guy

who puts on his underwear one hole at a time.

You're right. He's just a guy.

I can take just one guy!

Hell, I could take ten guys.

In a fight.

I wanna be clear on that.

[♪]

[clatter]

That's an interesting outfit, Jimmy.

Shh! You hear that?

What? What is it?

It's too quiet. I don't like this.

What are you talking about?

[knocking]

[loud screaming]

I just needed a city map.

Check out the waterslide. It's a lotta fun.

Eat up men, there's plenty more where this came from.

Boy, this is the best barbecue sauce I've ever eaten.

Who made it?I did.

I got the recipe from Barbecue Bill.

What's in it?What's in it?

Why, I'll tell you the recipe!

♪ "When Barbecue Bill left the Mounties, ♪

♪ he handed it down to me. ♪

♪ A little of this, a little of that. ♪

♪ "A piece of old shoe."

♪ "A part of a hat!"

♪ "Mix together and eat your fill, ♪

♪ said old Barbecue Bill--" ♪

[gasping]

Who could this be from?

[scream]

Ya gotta help me, McCool.

Someone's trying to kill me!

My God, who?Al Capone.

I left my Mountie barbecue for this?

I'm serious.

We found him underground in Moose Jaw in a big block of ice.

Now he's out there stalking me and he wants my blood.

Hmm. This is indeed serious.

We must get you to safety

before Al Capone finds you and does his worst.

There, there, Jimmy, we'll find a safe-haven for you.

Thanks, McCool. I knew I could count on ya.

[screaming]

You can't lock me up! He'll get to me in here!

Nothing stops this guy!

This is for your own good, Jimmy.

Obviously the strain of relocation has gotten to you.

The doctor assures me that a strenuous regimen

of enemas and testicular electro-shock

will put you right in no time!

Yo, no one's zapping my boys.

You're too far-gone to realize it,

but I am your friend and I will see you through this!

Pipe in some Kenny G to soothe the poor man.

♪ [smooth jazz] ♪

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

We need to talk.

[sigh] Theresa, please.

Put down your bumpy book, I got something to say.

Alright. What is it?

You were right about me.

The truth is I don't know who I am.

I look to other people to define myself,

like some crazy one-way mirror.

And I'm always afraid

that if I don't live up to what they want me to be,

they'll ignore me.

or not pay any attention to me at all.

Wow, underneath the make-up, the fashion,

the unbridled sexuality,

you're just a scared little girl.

And you're the first boy I've ever met

who wants to know that girl.

Oh Theresa, come here.

Yama-hama! Who's that?

Doc, I'm fine. As sane as they come.

Now you gotta let me out of here.

Alright, Jimmy-boy, ya outsmar--

[hacking]

Ew.

Come with me if you want to live.

I thought you was on Capone's team.

What am I gonna do, you're my pops.

Besides, Capone's broke, he's a shmuck.

Nurse, ya gotta help me!

Someone's trying to kill me.

Aw crap.

I got an apple to peel with you, buster.

Al, be reasonable.

I'm wearin' a dress.

Reason went out the window days ago.

We have a code, see. You broke that code.

Hold on!

According to the code, if someone saves your life.

Hold on, I got it right here.

"If someone saves your life, you have to recipro - recipro -

Sound it out, honey.

Reciprocatay.

It means "never try to kill them."

Lemme see that.

Well what do you know.

Can't argue with the code.

I guess we're even. Put her there, pallie.

Thanks a lot Al.

Now let's dust out of here.

I guess this is where we part ways.

But what will he do?

Where will you go?

Every time there's a buck to be made from illegal hooch,

I'll be there.

Every time a lonely young girl

comes to the big city for the first time,

I'll be there...

To force her into prostitution.

Every time a truck leaves a warehouse full of valuables,

by God, Jimmy, I'll be there!

Goodbye, Uncle Capone.

So long, Al.

Come now Jimmy! We've got to make you sane.

Doctor, fire up the electro-shock room!

Jimmy, drop your pants.