Original subtitles

How y'doin?

I'm Jimmy McDougal, formerly Jimmy Falcone.

I used to be a bigshot in the New York mafia

until I turned rat to keep from being whacked...

It wasn't easy turning on my old friends,

but them turning on me first made it a little easier.

But the hardest thing I ever had to do

was to tell my family we had to go into witness protection.

So guys...

I got somethin' important to say.

You know how all my friends are trying to kill me?

Yes Daddy... It's all you ever talk about.

You really shouldn't bring your work home with ya.

Well, I was thinkin', to fix the problem,

maybe we should leave town.

What? I hate you!

But I'm class capo! We love it here!

No freakin' way!

For once I agree with your idiot uncle.

No freakin' way!

[glass shatters]

Okay. Let's move.

And that's how we came to be living here in Vagina -

Regina - Saskatchewan.

But if you think it's gonna keep this family

from sticking together...

Fugget about it!

* Let me tell you something *

* 'bout a friend of ours named Jimmy *

* Made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini *

* When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech *

* He take the boss,

* He threw him from the 19th floor suite *

* Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead *

* So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds *

* the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn *

* So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan *

* Fugget about it

* Fugget about it

* Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

Okay, you, Elephant Man, your pony didn't come in.

You're into me for five-hundred.

Dollface, you done alright,

you got three big ones coming.

This ain't been your week, Randy.

Your no show puts you in the hole for ten large,

and I want something now.

This just ain't satisfyin'.

But in for a penny, in for a pound.

I see.

No, thank you for calling Principal Pistergas.

Do you know what your daughter did?

I just got off with the Principal -

"Got off with the Principal." [snickers]

This is serious.

Gina's suspended for a week.

Apparently, she's been selling candy to other kids,

which is forbidden on school property.

Look, I'm sure she has a good reason.

It was probably just to make money.

Hey Ma, guess what?

I was sent home early for good behavior.

Oh, and how do you plan

to explain the rest of the week, young lady?

Busted.

Damn straight you're busted.

Your principal called.

No TV for a week!

Pistergaaaaaas!

[echoes]

You done? Uh huh.

[sigh]

Theresa, can we have a girl-talk?

Of course!

I'm just glad you're finally admitting that you're a girl.

A guy starts one "Twilight" fan club

and he's branded for life.

I need help with a girl.

That girl.

Now if she has bad taste, too, you've got it made.

I can't even bring myself to talk to her.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Coming to your big sister for advice on love.

Alright Petey, I'll have you banging her in no time.

I was hoping to carry her books, but whatever works.

First thing we need to do

is get this girl to know who you are.

But she can't know the real you

or she'd set herself on fire.

You've got to be strong, confident, sure of yourself.

Okay, strong, confident, sure of myself.

You think she'd like that?

Petey! Women don't like wimps.

They want to be swept off their feet

by a dominant, rock-hard, son of an oil baron.

What? Just go over there and be aggressive.

She's yours for the taking!

I'm strong... tough... alpha...

strong... tough... alpha...

Hey! What?

Uhhhhh...

Love me?

Wow. Just... wow.

That's it. My entire stash.

You cleaned me out.

No TV for a week young lady.

Never do something like this again.

You've embarrassed the whole family.

C'mon. No one's really embarrassed.

It's just a figment of speech.

It's not that.

How'm I ever gonna learn to be a no-good hustler

if I ain't got no role models?

You got me, dontcha?

But you're all washed up.

Washed up?

You know, I still got a thing or two I can teach you.

For example, I never woulda got caught

for moving cheap loot like this.

Whoa! Whoa!

This Canadian candy is primo stuff.

You can't even get this in the States!

Try it. First taste is free.

It's all free. We just took it from you.

My god he's choking! Someone call an ambulance!

What's 9-1-1 in Canadian?

Holy Mother of God, that is good!

It's better than good.

It's - what's a word that means 'better than good'?

Hoh! What's all this racket about?

A man can't hear his own pornography.

Try this. It's Canadian candy.

I thought Pam Anderson was Canadian candy.

Marone, this stuff's better than anything we got back home.

Fat Americans would pay through the nose for this stuff.

Hold it, hold it... I'm gettin' an idea.

It's comin'. It's percolatin'.

It's percolatin'. It's drippin'.

Drippin'. Got it!

We'll smuggle this stuff into the States and make a fortune.

We'll take Prohibition to a whole new level!

Alright, boys, you're off the hook.

This is the thing I've been lookin' for.

Somethin' to get my blood flowin'.

What do ya think, Cook?

[unclear]

Passport.

See, Jimmy?

I told ya bribing the border guard would be a snap.

Some suspicious looking boxes, but there's nothing we can do.

They're taped shut.

[*]

Ain't it great to be back in the ole US of A.

Hey everyone!

I'm Captain Candypants!

Come and get your candy in my pants!

[laughs]

Yes, yes, keep going...

dig deeper.

Scram. We're taking over.

This is our turf now.

But I always work here.

I'll give you a free taffy pull.

I got your taffy pull right here.

[crying] Ow! No! Please!

You're all working for me now.

You got a problem with that?

* [calliope music] *

[cheering]

Like taking candy from a baby.

And then selling it to another baby.

Here's your taste, boss.

What the hell you doin' in fur coats?

I told you to keep a low profile.

You're gonna get us all pinched.

It's in my wife's name.

What'd I just tell ya?

Not too bright, but they're good little earners.

You know, I haven't felt this alive

since that day I got stabbed at the racetrack.

Yeah. Those were good times.

Mister, I'd like four of everything.

Looks good. Cheech, give 'im his stuff.

There ya go kid.

The finest, uncut cocoa solids Canada has to offer.

Don't do 'em all at once.

Thanks, but I'm not the one who needs advice.

We're shutting you dirt-bags down!

Freeze!

Food and Delicious Candy Administration!

You're under arrest for supplying

a weak-willed American populace

with treats from a different and therefore inferior country.

I was framed!

[siren]

I'll wait for you, Jimmy!

I can't believe how much this thing vibrates!

Take your time, Jimmy!

What in God's name is wrong with you?

I dunno. I dunno.

I try and I try and I try.

I play the bad guy, I play the good guy.

Everyday I wake up and I say

"Today's the day they'll get it."

But do you?

No, we don't.

What more do I have to do?

I mean really. You tell me.

What more must I do for you to at long last get it?

I dunno.

I'm not mad. I'm disappointed.

Maybe if I can just understand

what goes on in those warped little minds of yours.

Why would you risk everything

for just a few hundred dollars?

Jimmy told me to.

McCool, you wouldn't understand.

Try me.

I miss the action.

I sit around the house being a dad.

I go to work and have a job.

What kind of life is that?

But something like this...

It gave me that adrenaline rush

I used to get everyday in the old life.

Is that all?

Well, why didn't you say so?

Jimmy, if you want an adrenaline rush

I know just the thing.

[*]

You gotta be [bleep]in' me.

This, my friend, is action.

Looks more like a bunch of dusty guys

trying to put the moves on farm animals.

On the surface perhaps.

But look deeper, Jimmy.

Imagine it.

You're on top of a bull,

hanging on for dear life.

Your blood is boiling in your veins,

adrenaline flooding your brain.

Your only thought,

to best the beast before he takes your life.

You don't hear the roar of the crowd

flowering their adulation upon you.

You can't hear them chanting...

Jimmy. Jimmy. Jimmy.

No, they're chanting "McCool. McCool. McCool."

Jimmy. Jimmy.

McCool. McCool.

A hundred bucks says "Jimmy Jimmy."

Another hundred says I kick your ass.

Jimmy, I don't gamble for money.

That's what gambling is.

But if you insist on humiliating yourself,

I will wager you for honor.

Great. How much is that in American?

The loser must, in a clear baritone,

extending from the diaphragm,

declare that the other is a better man than himself.

You're on.

I got one question.

If a man does it to a girl sheep,

that's not gay, right?

I mean, the church is okay with that?

I don't know, I'm not Catholic.

[phone rings]

Hello? What do you mean "hello"?

I've been trying to reach you for two days!

I figured I'd be your one phone call!

Cookie, calm down.

McCool was my one phone call.

They took my cell phone,

and by the time I got it back, I forgot.

What?

Oh, you forgot?

I already told the kids you were dead!

Gina, your father's alive.

Put his cigars back where you found 'em.

I just can't catch a break.

Hello.

Is this the guy who said, and I quote,

"I never woulda got caught

for moving cheap loot like this"?

Well you did get caught,

and now I'm smokin' all your cigars,

and that's what you get for cutting me out of my own scam!

Cookie, who was that?

Jimmy, the whole family's going to hell

in a handbasket 'cause of you.

Look Cook, I'm sorry.

I'll be home as soon as I can.

But I'm at a rodeo and I gotta prove to McCool

that I'm a better man than myself.

You could just say you're at a strip joint,

ya fat [bleep]!

What'd she say? The usual.

I'm not sure about this Theresa.

Petey, really.

This is how you have to dress

if you want girls to notice you.

It just feels a little... busy.

Listen, dumb-dumb,

I watch a show called "The Way of the Pick-Up"

and the guy who hosts it, Enigma,

says if you wanna get the girls,

you gotta dress like a schizo-freak.

It's called "peacocking."

Well I refuse to follow the advice

of some perverted charlatan.

My dignity is too important.

He's been with four-hundred and eighty-two different women.

Should I add a top hat?

Okay Petey.

Enigma says that 90% of becoming

a successful pick-up artist

is learning to overcome your fear of rejection,

and to do that,

you need to get rejected a lot.

Theresa, I could write a book about being rejected.

In fact, I have.

But it was rejected.

You're gonna ask out every girl who walks past here

and you're gonna get rejected so many times

you'll never care about it again.

But what if one of them accepts?

Petey, if you're not going to take this seriously...

Back off, bitch! Those shoes are mine!

[sigh]

Excuse me, ma'am, would you like to go on a date?

Hello there, miss, you look lovely today.

Excuse me but --

I couldn't help but notice --

Theresa's right.

This isn't so bad.

Who cares if they don't like me.

It's very freeing.

I'm a bed-wetter.

Do you think I have pretty eyes?

I masturbate all the time.

All the time.

Hey, wanna play with my boa?

Why yes I would, young man.

Aahhh!

I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.

It's okay, honey.

I saw you.

It's very... sexy.

Aw [bleep].

You sure you wanna go through with this, McCool?

I'm not gonna go easy on you.

It's not my style.

So I'll give you one last chance to back out.

McCools don't back out, Jimmy.

They thrust in.

Okay, it's your funeral.

I just got one question.

What's with these freakin' pants?

Me, I like 'em. I enjoy the draft.

[laughing]

Yee ha! Yee ha!

Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Ya!

Woo! [laughs]

Yee haw.

[squawking]

[pained cries]

Yippee yi yay!

Yee ha!

[pained cries]

Jimmy, you okay?

I can't take it no more, Cheech.

My face is cut, my muscles are torn,

my ribs are cracked

and there's no skin left on my ass.

You sayin' you're giving up?

Jimmy, you can't.

You'd have to tell McCool he's a better man.

Plus you can still win

cause the bull-riding's worth more points

than all the other events combined.

How's that for exposition?

I don't know, maybe I can pull it together

for one more event.

Watch this Jimmy - no hands!

ANNOUNCER: And it's a new world record!

Strait McCool is the toughest,

most manliest man in the whole wide world!

[cheering]

McCool.

Yes?

I can't watch this.

You... are...

a better man than I.

Thank you, Jimmy.

It takes a big man to say that.

And I think it's safe to say

you found the action you were looking for.

Oh, and one more thing.

I found something I believe is yours.

Hey, Jimmy. He just handed you your ass.

[sigh]

I clobbered him!

Pops, pops.

What was the rodeo like, huh?

What did that copper's stupid face look like

when he saw that you're the biggest baddest guy out there?

Did you ride the horse like this?

Or like this?

Oh, well, you know.

I pretty much just rode the horse

the normal horse-ridin' way.

Wow!

I started to think

that maybe you'd lost all of your moves,

that you'd gone soft, y'know?

But you sure showed McCool didn't ya, pops?

Yeah. I sure did.

Too bad you couldn't've been there to see it.

'Cause turns out, I did so well, so perfected it,

that they decided there will never have to be

another rodeo, ever again, anywhere, ever.

Thank you so much for walking me home, Petey.

It's become such a dangerous neighborhood.

You live between a church and a police station.

Well, you never know.

Well, I guess I should be heading off.

No, no, stay.

I'll make some cocoa.

Umm... I'm not sure this is appropriate.

Well, why wouldn't it be appropriate?

I suppose it wouldn't be

if something untoward were to happen.

Are you thinking about something untoward?

No, no, no. No, of course not.

Well, good. Cocoa it is.

Hot, creamy cocoa.

You know, I like talking to you, Petey.

People are so hung up with age,

but really, it's just a number.

But yours is so much higher than mine.

You seem nervous, Petey.

Are you nervous, Petey?

I mean, I guess so.

I know, it must be so hard to be a young man these days.

All the rules are changing, the pressures,

the contradictions, the confusions...

Yeah, I'm pretty confused right about now.

I know.

And I want to hear all about it.

There, there...

There, there...

There...

There!

Quite the day you've had.

You must be exhausted, becoming a rodeo champion.

Nah, it wasn't too bad. Kind of invigorating actually.

You're lying.

Why do you say that?

Because I found this.

That's not mine!

Oh please. You didn't beat McCool.

Odds are he mopped the floor with you.

The man is practically built for horse-wrangling,

or lassoing, or caressing the body of a middle-aged woman.

Why is your upper-lip sweating?

It's not, and why'd you lie to me?

You know I don't care

if you win a stupid rodeo or not.

It's not the rodeo. It's everything.

I used to be someone.

I used to be the big man in town.

And now I'm not even a man.

I'm just some poor schnook

who has to tell a Mountie he's a better man than me.

It's demobilizing.

You shut your mouth! You're Jimmy Falcone.

And Jimmy Falcone's a fighter, not a quitter!

I don't give a damn about a rodeo

or losin' it to some Mountie, but you do.

So suck it up and be the man I fell in love with!

You're right!

I'm gonna take that Mountie down!

Hand me my ass!

Jimmy, the other way.

Ass-backwards.

So that's where that expression comes from.

[gasps]

[whimpering]

[*]

Smells like manure.

Jimmy, what are you doing here?

You already conceded.

Yeah, well, I'm un-conceding.

You know when I said you're a better man than me?

Well, I'm taking it back.

"Em naht nam retteb a er'uoy."

As you wish, but I do advise against it.

There's a reason bull-riding

is worth more than half the points.

It's one of the most dangerous sports in the world.

So is cheerleading, but I still do it.

Now, out of my way!

Where the hell have you been?

So... unclean...

Oh my god! No effin' way!

You did it! Congratulations!

Ah-ah-ah. No more touching.

I don't ever want to be touched again.

Or smell moth balls.

Or see a doily.

Or eat a hard candy. Or see dentures come out.

Or see weird stockings that go just below the knee.

Or see breasts that go just below the knee...

He just completely ignored me.

That is so hot.

Petey! Petey! Wait up!

Alright bull. I've got a lot riding on this.

So like I told my wife on our wedding night,

give me eight seconds and I'll be on my way.

[bell rings] Whaaa!

Okay, I asked nicely, now we do it my way.

Ahhh!

Ahh!

Ahhh!

Ahh!

I'll have a hot dog!

I'll have some peanuts!

I'll have an overweight Italian guy!

[pained cries]

Stay down, Jimmy!

Don't get up, Daddy!

You can't do it, Pop!

Stop it, Pop! It's embarrassing!

Jimmy, enough!

Jimmy, stop, you're killing yourself.

You have heart, tremendous heart, I admit it,

but no bet is worth this.

It is to me.

[groaning]

Alright!

If it will make you end this madness, fine!

You're a better man than I, Jimmy McDougal!

A BETTER MAN THAN I!

Tell me something I don't know.

Jimmy, you did it!

He said it! You won!

Way to hang in there, Pops!

It was amazing, Daddy.

Jimmy, can you do it again? I was in the john.

I began the day as a schnook, but now I am a man.

Me too...