Original subtitles

How y'doin?

I'm Jimmy McDougal, but I used to be Jimmy Falcone,

a respected New York businessman in the gangster

and gangster-related industries.

Then I whacked my boss and ratted out everyone I knew

to save my uncle's life.

Now, ratting out the mob is not as glamorous as you think.

Before the trial, they stick you in a federal safehouse

on an army base so no one can get to you.

But that doesn't mean they don't try.

Jimmy, you killed the Don.

A simple apology isn't going to cut it.

Hey, I offered to do the eulogy.

I wasn't the one who said that's in bad taste.

It was the family Consigliere.

His coming to see me could only mean danger

but it was still nice to have a visitor.

You know, Jimmy, back in the Roman Empire,

and in "Godfather II",

when someone messed up the way you did,

they were given a way to provide for their wife and kids

for the rest of their lives.

All they had to do was kill themselves before the trial.

Over my dead body you sonuvabitch!

Said with all respect due a man of your position.

Look Jimmy, I've always liked you.

In fact, I went to the mat for you to help your family.

Help me help you.

Wow.

When does the guy who doesn't like me get here?

Listen, it'll be very embarrassing for me

to go back and say you won't honor this request.

If you don't do this,

I will dedicate my life to hunting you down.

You and your family will never know a moment's peace

the rest of your days.

How 'bout the nights?

Can we get the nights off?

It was the hardest decision I ever had to make...

Alright, I'll do it.

Toss it over.

Turns out, it was an easier decision than I thought.

So here I am with my wife and kids alive and well in Vagina -

Regina -Saskatchewan.

But if you don't think

that's pretty much the same as being dead...

Fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

Jimmy Falcone has done it.

He has won the Masters.

He wears the green jacket.

He wishes it was a blue jacket to offset his eyes,

but whatever.

Let's hear from the champion.

I knew that if there was a day without snow...

that I could...

...win this.

I, I did it for my wife, Cookie.

Cookie! Cookie!

Breakfast is ready.

What's your problem?

The sun's shining, temperature's above zero.

You know that ain't gonna last.

I'm off to the food-court at the mall

to hang out but not eat.

You are not going out dressed like that, young lady!

There's a reason they call your privates private!

Fine. God!

I'll be at the science center.

They have a new exhibit on nanotubes.

Petey, what did I tell you about hanging around

those kinds of places?

Don't ask, don't tell.

I'll be home in time for dinner.

I'm not making dinner! And don't be late!

You okay, Cook?

Like you care!

Alright Jimmy, I dusted off the clubs

and been working on my swing.

Get a load of this.

Who's handicapped now, ya son-of-a-bitch?

Save it for the course, Cheech.

Tee time's in twenty, and no way I'm gonna be late.

Oh sure, go, have your fun.

I'll just stay here and do what I did yesterday,

and the day before, and the day before that...

Nothing.

Alright, well, try to find some time for yourself.

Don't you get it?

I'm bored out of my mind.

I can't talk to my friends, my sister.

There's no good shopping.

I'm going crazy here.

Well ya gotta do something.

Find a hobby, like I got golf.

Or get a job.

One of those'll shut you up.

But what am I supposed to do?

I ain't worked since we got married.

What about back when we was kids that summer in Atlantic City?

You had a job then,

and you were very respected in the community.

You mean a fortune teller's assistant?

Yeah, workin' for Madame Scam-ya.

Ooh, I loved that job!

That cute little kiosk on the boardwalk.

All those scarves you got to wear.

Talkin' European.

Not having to shave. [laughs]

Those were good times.

So why don't we open up your own shop here in Vagina?

Oh, I couldn't. I don't have the gift.

Madame Scam-ya, she had the gift.

She could see things years into the future.

She was a special, special lady with a God-given talent.

We could fake it.

I could do that.

Then it's settled.

We'll dip into the nest egg,

find you a nice place and get you all set up -

but first, I ain't missing this gorgeous weather.

C'mon Cheech, let's hit the links.

You know what, baby?

Your needs come first.

Okay, Theresa, you're at reception,

you distract the clients.

Gina, you pick their pockets and get their info.

Cheech is on sound.

Jimmy, you're lights and smoke machine.

Alright, let's do a practice run.

Theresa, you be the customer.

Hello, I'm the customer.

I would like to know my fortune.

Madame Cookie will tell what you she sees.

Please sit.

CHEECH: Testing. Testing.

I am the ghost of the dead person that you know.

Not yet, Cheech.

Just the mood music to start.

And don't say "Testing".

Roger.

[coughing]

Down a notch on the smoke machine, Jimmy.

Her name is Theresa McDougal.

Your name is Theresa McDougal.

She lives at one-two-three-four Jim Carrey Lane.

You live at one-two-three-four Jim Carrey Lane.

She's twenty-five years of age.

You're twenty-fi - What?

Twenty-five?

Gina, you weren't supposed to pick my fake ID!

Mom's gonna kill me now.

No, I'm not.

I can appreciate a good fake ID.

I went to my first bar when I was seven.

Okay everyone, clients will be coming soon.

Theresa, show a little more cleavage.

Jimmy, thank you so much for this.

I'm so happy.

I feel like I was born to do this.

Hey, my money's gone.

Gina, you stole my money!

Ma told me to.

No, sweetie.

You misunderstood.

Get their information, not their money.

We're running a legitimate scam here.

Can you believe it?

I thought she was totally going to ream me out about my fake ID.

Yeah and I thought she was going to make me

give you back your money.

I know, right? Wait! Hey...

Oh, girls?

Where are my magical assistants?

Just look at her, Cheech.

I ain't seen Cookie this happy

since that summer she was on Prozac.

I know what you're up to, gentlemen,

and I shan't allow it.

The good citizens of Saskatchewan deserve better

than to be taken in by your flim-flam confidence games.

Hey, this is a legitimate business.

What, you don't believe in the supernatural?

You want to know what I believe, Jimmy?

I'll tell you what I believe.

I believe in a Canada true north strong and free.

Universal health care.

The metric system.

The letter zed.

That Saturday night was made for hockey.

I believe Keanu Reeves is highly underrated.

I believe if I were a woman and I didn't have the ability

to wrap my legs around my neck,

I would never take my boyfriend to see Cirque du Soleil.

I believe in football with three downs,

two-fours of beer, and maple syrup.

And I believe that Rush

is the single greatest band of all time.

Uh, so we can stay open?

I believe we're about to find out.

Customer!

You can try to distract me all you want, Theresa,

but until you reach legal age, I see only your face.

Nice eyes.

Bad me, bad.

You'd better not be trying to pick my pocket, young Gina.

When I grow up, I want to be a Mountie just like you.

You and thirty million other Canadians.

Oh, Special Agent McCool, my very first customer.

You look so dapper today.

That doesn't make you psychic, Cookie,

it only makes you observant.

Noooo, you look good enough to eat.

I'd love to put you on a cracker...

or a cookie.

Hoh!

Take it easy, ya big idiot!

I'm just buttering up the customer!

Let's cut to the chase, Cookie.

[spooky music]

Stop that.

We'll have none of that cheesy

light and sound show here, thank you.

Alright, Madame Cookie.

It's just you and me now.

Dazzle me.

I see...

I see... red?

Your favorite color is red?

I see leaves.

Uh, oak leaves...

green leaves...

a maple leaf.

You're very patriotic.

Just as I thought.

You're a fake, a phony, a fraud.

You leave me no choice but to shut you down.

No, no, no, no! I can do this!

You're having lunch!

Your menu is in a foreign language you don't understand.

The milk in your tea is sour.

A baby cries.

A waiter drops a tray.

There's a mouse tail in your soup.

A homely woman in a blue dress asks you for change.

That's so general it can apply to anyone.

Hmmm, not the standard Mandarin dialect

that I studied in college.

"The milk for your tea is sour."

Oh, I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

[baby cries]

"A baby cries..."

[crash]

"A waiter drops a tray."

"A mouse tail in my soup..."

Impossible!

Ya got change for a five?

I can't wait to tell Cookie how we snowed that fed.

Yeah, how stupid did he look?

If only she could've been there.

She loves a good short-con more than anyone!

Jimmy! You won't believe it!

McCool told me all my predictions came true!

I have the gift!

I actually have the gift!

Just like Madame Scam-ya!

She always said I would, but I never thought I did!

But I do! I have the gift!

What? You think you have the gift?

Word's already spreading.

I'm booked solid for a week!

This is terrible.

What're you talking about? She has the gift.

No. She doesn't.

She just thinks she does because of what we did.

Now we gotta keep making her predictions come true.

Jeez Jimmy, that's gonna take up a lot of time.

I know, but look how happy she is.

Shhhhh! I'm gettin' something!

Pluto will be a planet again.

Okay, Jimmy, let's get to work.

So if we all just keep making her think she has the gift,

everything will be beautiful.

But that's deceitful.

A white lie is still a lie.

Don't you get it?

When your mother's happy, we all get to be happy.

So we gotta do whatever it takes to keep her this way.

No kiddin'.

I swore this morning and she didn't say a f---ing thing.

Hey Cook.

Tell us about work.

What kind of predictions did you make?

And to whom specifically?

Oh, I can't say.

Psychic-client-confidentiality and all...

Oh, what the hell.

I told Mrs. Campbell...

...she'd find ten dollars inside her new sofa...

I told Mr. Peterson he'd have a scooter accident.

I told Mr. Chan...

...his son will set a new record at his hockey game.

I told Old Lady Johnson she'll get pregnant.

I got this one, Jimmy.

Nothing like a nice relaxing game of golf

after a long day of bullsh---ing your wife.

Hey, how'd you get all this time off work, anyway?

I found a sub.

Okay, legs shoulder width apart,

slight bend at the knees...

You know Cheech, it's funny.

They took away my identity, they took away my livelihood,

they took away everything that made me me.

But the one thing they couldn't take...

was this game.

And my love for it.

Motherf---in', c---suckin'!

You're right, Jimmy.

This is relaxing.

You'll win a raffle...

You'll be attacked by a goose...

You'll break your leg in a freak fondue accident...

You, never ride a tandem bicycle.

Come on, people, gimme a challenge here!

She was really good.

Wanna come over for some fondue?

Sure, we'll take my bike. It's built for two.

I appreciate your seeing me on such short notice,

Madame Cookie.

I was hoping you could help me solve a case.

I never thought I'd say these words but, I can't do it.

Really?

'Cause I picture you doing it all the time.

It seems there's been a rash of convenience store robberies

and I have yet to be able to gain a description of a suspect.

The only lead I have is this handkerchief.

Give me your hand.

Don't you need to hold the handkerchief?

Shu-shu-shu-shush.

We don't have time for this...

ever.

But anything you could tell me would be greatly appreciated.

Of course. Let's begin.

Yes... Yes... I see someone...

A man.

A middle-aged man...

White... Slight build...

dark eyes... dark short hair...

and a mustache.

Madame Cookie has spoken.

Thank you, Madame Cookie.

You've been a great help.

Alright, boys!

We're looking for Hitler!

For Canada, and Mounties shouting in unison!

[sonic boom]

[moaning] No!

Ahhh!

Okay, now you do me.

Get a'load of this!

Zero chance of snow.

Zero!

From the Doppler 5000 no less!

And I read it on the internet so you know it's true.

Let's go!

I dunno, Jimmy.

I'm looking at my itinerary.

I got "Wheel of Fortune" at ten.

"Andy of Mayberry" at ten-thirty,

and scratching my nuts at eleven.

No. We gotta go now.

It could snow any second.

But the Doppler said it won't.

I can't take the chance!

If I don't get in some golf soon, I'm gonna go crazy!

All I do anymore is run around town

making my wife think she's a psychic!

I need this!

Good news, Jimmy.

I scratched my nuts while you were choking me.

I'm good to go.

Hold it! Nobody move.

I had a dream.

Not like Petey's, I hope.

"Oh English! Oh Math! Oh Science!

Oh! Oh! Oh!"

In the dream we were at a carnival.

And the Grim Reaper shot at us seven times.

It means seven attempts will be made on one of our lives.

If anyone leaves this house today

they will be in mortal danger.

Come on, Cook.

Dreams don't mean nothin.

I had a dream once that the toilet turned into a dragon.

I still sit on the john every morning.

Ma, I can't stay home all day.

Me either.

I got a thing at a thing.

I can't say more.

Mother, dreams are simply manifestations

of our unconscious desires.

Freud says that our conscious mind keeps our primal

subconscious wants and needs suppressed.

Dreams merely represent

the repressed urges released when we sleep.

Freud also said you want to do your mom.

Do you wanna do your mom, Petey?

Is that what you want?

You want to do your mom?

Uhhhh...

There's no good answer so shut up.

This ain't any of that science mumbo jumbo.

This is fact!

I got the gift.

I had the dream.

And you don't mess with the spirits.

So no one sets foot outside this house today!

Madame Cookie has spoken!

I had a dream about me, you, and your sister,

we never did that one!

But, Pops, ya can't keep us locked up in here!

It's child abuse.

We got stuff to do.

Look, we all agreed we'd do this to make your mother happy.

Sure, for a day or two.

But I don't wanna make my mother happy

for any longer than that.

C'mon, it'd break her heart to find out

she's not a real psychic at this point.

But you don't understand.

I'm supposed to meet the cutest guy -

At the library...

Where we will read our brains out.

And I'm supposed to go

to the Regina Comic-Con with Billy Allardson.

It's the first year they'll have two people.

And I gotta go do this thing.

That kid's not gonna break his own legs.

Hoh!

You think I like this any more than you?

I wanted to golf today.

But if I can sacrifice what I want, you can too!

Alright?

I said alright?

Fine!Yes!

Good!

I'm going back to bed.

Like I'm gonna miss golf 'cause of some stupid dream.

Careful, Jimmy, you coulda killed yourself on that thing.

What are you waiting for, Jimmy?

Just savorin' the moment, Cheech.

Just savorin'.

Okay, legs shoulder width apart,

slight bend at the knees, check the backswing, and...

FORE!

You okay? Wanna take a break?

No, I'll play through.

Just take the penalty.

No, I can make this.

You wanna break now?

I'll... play... through.

I'll play through!

[horn honks]

I'll play through!

[growl]

I'm playing through!

Hey look at that, a little Australian boy.

Sorry, Mate! I knicked ya'.

Hey, Jimmy, I'm starting to think Cookie's dream

may've been about you.

I'm playing through goddammit!

[groaning]

Okay, legs shoulder width apart,

slight bend at the knees, check the backswing, and...

So worth it.

And where do you think you're going, young lady?

Out.

I don't think so.

Are you trying to get yourself killed?

Did you not hear a word I said earlier?

I know. The dream.

I'll die. Blah, blah, blah.

But, Mom, I have to go!

He's so cute.

And he's a goalie.

We met when I was fixing the hockey game.

He's really good with his hands.

What?

We just kissed, I swear!

Okay, he may have touched my boobs a little.

Okay, a lot.

What's third base called in hockey?

You fixed the hockey game?

I had to.

Daddy said we had to make your predictions come true.

Oh my God, I wasn't supposed to say that.

Oh well, cat's out of the bag.

Bye.

Petey, is this true?

I am not going to lie to you, Mother.

It is.

You fixed my predictions?

Every single one of them?

Not me. It was Dad's thing.

I didn't want any part of it.

A lie is a lie is a lie.

Are you tryin' to tell me that your father was sneakin'

around all over town this entire time making every one

of my predictions come true?

Why would a person do that?

Believe it or not, he thought it would make you happy.

Well you know what? It did!

I never been so happy in my whole life.

And what's wrong with you that you wouldn't?

What, you're too good to lie to your mother?

Uhhh...

Get out of here!

I can't stand to look at you!

And you better think long and hard about your morals, mister!

I can't believe the big palooka went to all that

trouble just for me.

That lyin', connivin', manipulatin' sack o' s---.

I married an angel.

Jimmy sweetie!

...I'm coming to talk to you!

Oh! Ah! Jeez!

I know what you did, Jimmy.

I been here the whole time, I swear.

I know you fixed my predictions.

What are you talking about?

You went behind my back, you deceived me,

you made our children deceive me.

You played me for a fool.

It's the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.

You f---in' kidding me?

On the outside you may be tough gangster Jimmy Falcone.

But underneath all that macho and beef and provolone,

you're just a big ol' teddy bear.

And I don't need the gift to tell me that.

So I'm gonna close the shop.

After thinking I had the gift,

I could never go back to faking it.

But, Cookie, that's the thing.

It turns out you do have the gift.

That's sweet, but you can stop now.

No, I'm serious.

You have the gift. For real.

Stop it, Jimmy. It's over.

I ain't lying.

Every single one of your predictions came true.

Sure, we rigged a bunch of them,

but they still came true.

They all came true!

Give it a rest, will ya?

Ya tried to con me.

It was sweet, but you're pushing it.

I'm not an idiot.

Cookie, I'm telling you -

Now you're just pissing me off.

One more word and I will cut ya, ya guinea bastard.

Well look at that...

They made Pluto a planet again.