Original subtitles

How y'doin'?

I used to be Jimmy Falcone...

until I testified against the mob to save my Uncle Cheech.

But living in witness protection

ain't all peaches and herb.

The Feds whisk you out of your home

and stick you in an army base

and ya gotta leave everything behind.

Call me sentimental, but I had a lifetime of memories

back home buried under my floorboard in small,

unmarked bills.

So I busted out to retrieve my nest egg!

Dude! Awesome graphics!

Remember, we're here for the nest egg and nothing else.

[door opens]

Oh no, it's Gambini's guys!

Ah Jimmy, they bought your old house?

No, they're here to kill us.

Get ready to bust some heads.

Oh crap, we're at the Spinolli house next door.

Awww, look how big Angelo got.

So we went next door and got the nest egg.

It was kind of uneventful.

But we got it with us now since witness protection

put us here in Vagina --Regina --

Saskatchewan.

'Cause if anyone thinks they can separate a Falcone

from his memories...

Fugget about it!

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

So how'd ya like fishing, kid?

It's a barbaric, disgusting endeavour.

Yeah, me too.

Thanks for coming.

Ever since they whacked Fredo in Godfather II,

I never go fishing without a kid in the boat.

[loud siren]

They'll never take us alive.

They can take me alive.

Not if I can help it!

Hey look at that, Petey.

The cop's got pigtails.

License and registration, please.

Say, when you report this to headquarters,

you gonna use the radio, or smoke-signals?

Hoh!

Uncle Cheech, you can't make jokes like that.

I'm sorry, Officer.

Aw, lighten up.

A bust like this is a real feather in his cap.

Hoh!

Please, step out of the car, sir.

What are you gonna do, scalp me?

Hey-o!

Wait a second.

You can't arrest someone for speeding!

This is Canada, sir.

I'm arresting you for hurting my feelings.

Hoh! Rejected!

Nothing but net. And the Garden goes wild!

[doorbell]

Hi, I'm Annabelle Westminster, this is my daughter Emily.

Hoh!

And the lady I don't know takes one in the head.

Jimmy we have company!

Don't do that in the living room, take it to the kitchen!

That's my husband, hands off.

Hi, I'm Cookie McDougal.

"Cookie"; What an interesting name!

It was a stage name and it stuck.

Oh, were you an actress?

Dancer.Ballet?

I said dancer. Drop it.

What the hell you s'posed to be?

Emily's a Field Girl.

She was hoping to earn her Recruitment Badge...

but clearly we've come to the wrong house.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's just that, well,

some people are suited for Field Girls

and some just aren't.

What?

We're not good enough for Field Girls?

I got news for you sister, we're too good for Field Girls!

What's a Field Girl?

[siren]

Trouble with the law?

Well, ta, ta.

Okay that's it!

Gina, you're joining the Field Girls!

Ma! Ma!Not now.

Ma! No! I don't wanna!

You're a girl, you can be a Field Girl.

End of discussion.

Pop! Pop!

Really Petey? On a free throw?

[phone rings]

At the buzzer!

Hello? VOICE: You have a collect call from:

CHEECH: Jimmy, don't accept the charges,

but I'm in jail and you gotta get me out!

And tape Star Trek!

Not the first one, the third one!

Wait! Which one has --[beep]

Aw, just when I was headed for the playoffs.

What are you doing?

Trying to grow a penis.

Wow. Canadian jails. Not bad.

I'm here to see Cheech McDougal.

Ah yes, Mr. McDougal.

He checked in earlier today.

We have him staying in cell block D, for delightful.

Just turn left at the Zen garden.

Champagne, sir?

Don't mind if I do...

Ya dirty screw.

Hey look fellas! Darryl's out of solitary.

How was it?

Sooo relaxing.

Totally worth killing that guard.

Lucky duck.

Cheech?

Hey Jimmy! Great to see you.

Come on in, it's not locked.

I bet this is what jail is like in heaven.

But how is this a detergent to crime?

Mr. McDougal, can I get your dinner order?

Thanks Donnie, I'll have the Surf and Turf.

And don't forget the ketchup.

Cancel that order!

He won't be suckling at the Queen's teat this evening.

Cheech, Cheech, Cheech.

You were making such fine progress,

and then you go and disappoint me like this.

I have half a mind to let you stay in this hellhole.

Why does Cheech get all the breaks?

This is no laughing matter, Jimmy.

Do you know what he did? Do you know what he did?

Come to think of it, no. Come to think of it, no.

He wantonly insulted a member of our country's First Nation.

Nah, I just made fun of an Injun.

Nonetheless, I was able to get the charges dropped

on the condition that you attend

a cultural sensitivity seminar

at the Black Paw First Nations Reserve.

I believe that's "African American" paw.

You can ask them yourself tomorrow

when you attend the seminar, Jimmy.

Why do I have to go?

Because I haven't been appreciating your attitude.

Look at my baby girl!

So cute!

It's too tight.

Actually, it seems a bit loose.

Yeah, that's it!

Too loose. It's fallin' off'a me.

Look I've had enough.

You're gonna be a Field Girl and that's final.

Ma, I'm not just sayin' this but, I swear...

My penis just came in.

I like this. Do you have it in red?

No, just green.How 'bout blue?

No, just green.

I look really good in pink.

We just have it in green!

Pinkish-green?Greenish-green!

Is that like blue?Ugh...

I don't know, Jimmy.

I got some reservations about this.

Hoh!

Cut it out.

If we get on these guys' good side,

maybe we can leave early.

How ya doing? I'm Jimmy McDougal.

Just wanna say we Ita-- Scottish people

love Indian people, love Indian culture, love Indian food,

although the curry does repeat on me.

That's Indian food.

Yes sir and I love it.

So now that we're friends,

how 'bout you sign this so we can go home?

I'm not sure that's how this is supposed to work.

C'mon, guy to guy, what more is there for us

to learn about you fellas?

Ah jeez, I broke your people tree.

We burn Sweetgrass to purify ourselves

and please the Spirits.

Okay, I'll do this

but you better have some munchies around!

Clear your mind.

Look to the sky.

Your Spirit Guide will be revealed to you.

Mine! Called it!

What the..?

I got a falcon. What'd you get?

Some kind of abomination against God.

The ancient ones said that when conflicts arise,

we must seek common ground.

We must find what Indians and Scots have in common.

I got nothing.

Hey, I got one! How's this?

In Scotland, we wear skirts, called kilts.

And you all wear loincloths.

What I'm gettin' at is none of us are big on pants.

Our people don't wear loincloths.

We'd freeze our nuts off you racist Scottish bastard.

Hoh! Hey!Hoh! Hey!

Everyone calm down!

Hey that's a nice piece.

My father gave it to me.

His father gave it to him.

And his father bought it at some store.

I didn't know you guys was into guns.

Well if you're going to kill something,

what are you gonna use, a banana?

Hey we love killing too!

You boys want to see killing.

We'll show you some killing.

Oh, he meant killing animals.

Breathe slowly. Focus on the animal.

Honour its noble spirit.

And then we blow its brains out?

Whenever you're ready.

This grassy-knoll stuff reminds me of whackin'

a certain President, which I had nothing to do with.

Ya know, "our" way of doing things

is a lot more efficient.

Efficient? Listen chump.

We use every part of the animal,

and a lot of them are gross.

Quiet, young one.

He may have something to teach us.

Tell us your way, Great and Wise Fat Man.

Oh, we got lots.

You gotta get in real close and...

Bada-BING!

[♪]

and the hat is what makes it a complete uniform.

Cookie, hi.

What are you doing here?

I'm on a whore hunt. Got one!

And good news.

We received the cookies for our annual sale,

so pick up your boxes on the way out,

along with the updated list of local sex offenders.

Make sure you read it this year, Mary.

But he bought so many cookies.

So many cookies.

Don't work your daughter too hard.

My Emily has broken the sales record for the last three years.

Maybe that's 'cause you ain't had any real competition.

And we still don't.

Was that an insult?

Cute. Allow me to retort.

F--- yooouuu.

Now, THAT was an insult.

Come and see me later if you'd like another.

Well Cookie, I cordially invite you to bring it.

Oh, it's broughten.

...and the sewing badge and the baking badge

and the composting badge and...

Is there an "I Quit Badge"?

For your sincere efforts at our cultural exchange,

we would like to make you honorary members of our tribe.

Your Black Paw name will be "Hunts With Handgun".

And you will be known as "S--- For Brains".

Hey, that's what my Dad used to call me.

[loud machines]

Oh no! They're here!

What's going on?

The government is building a highway

across our sacred hunting grounds.

Those savages!

No offense.

We tried every legal avenue to stop 'em,

but they're the government.

You gotta fight back.

Arm yourselves.

Go to the mattresses!

Historically, fighting back hasn't been our best option.

Or have you never read a book?

What I mean is you can't let 'em get away with this.

Back in Brooklyn - Scotland -

when we had a problem we did whatever it took.

Blackmail, bribery, kidnapping, extortion.

Tell us more, Hunts With Handgun.

Well, those are typically the big four.

So if you could just nod and act like I'm telling you

about these stupid cookies,

that would get my old lady off my a--.

He's allergic to wheat.

Can we go home now?

No, we are not going home.

I'm going to show you how to sell and you'll be great at it.

Hello.

This is my daughter Gina.

She's selling cookies for the Field Girls --

No thank you.

Wait.

She's very sick and won't be with us much longer.

[coughs]

Oh, sweetie...

At the next one, act retarded.

I'm tellin' ya, Jimmy, that spirit guide they showed me?

The thing's been haunting my dreams.

Come on, it couldn'ta been that bad.

It was furry with a tail like a beaver

and a duck face and webbed claws.

Get the f--- outta here.

It's called a platypus.

Hey! Language.

No, no. Look, I'll google it.

That's it!

That's my spirit animal!

Ech.

Looks like Satan dropped a deuce.

Come on, Jimmy, he'll hear ya'.

Jimmy, you're not gonna believe

how many Field Girl cookies we sold!

The deadline's tomorrow. We can just coast.

I'm gonna shove that sales record up that Annabelle's ass.

Hmm, foul language.

Hello Cookie.

Just calling to let you know we sold ninety boxes.

'You hear what I said? Ninety. Yes ninety.

Nine times ten.

Forty-five times two.

Forty-five plus forty-five.

Eighty-two plus eight which comes to ninety.

We sold two hundred and twenty.

We sold two hundred and thirty. Gotta go.

Gina! Theresa! Petey! Get your butts down here!

We gotta sell some cookies!

Ah come on Ma, we already sold three times thirty.

Don't argue.

We took your advice, Hunts With Handgun.

We kidnapped someone to settle the land dispute.

[grunting]

What the hell you bring him here for?

You never told us what to do after the kidnapping.

[grunting]

Can you believe these guys?

Well, we gotta be good hosts.

Who wants corn?

This is bad, Cheech.

We get busted in something like this,

we get kicked out of witness protection.

Then we move back to New York.

Where the mob is waitin' to kill us.

There's just no winning with you.

Okay, what you gotta do now is get in touch with the top guy

in the province and use this guy as your bargaining chip.

Uh... this is the top guy.

What?He is the Premier of Saskatchewan.

What's a Premier?

It is like a governor.

It means 'First'.

First what?

Why you askin' so many questions?

We got a guy in a bag here.

Yeah, I probably shoulda told you not to grab the boss.

Alright ya bastards!

The Right Honorable Mickey O'Shea never forgets a face!

You're all going down for this!

I also should have mentioned

not to let the hostage see our faces.

Now we gotta kill him.

Go ahead and try, old man.

I'll twist off yer nipples and flick 'em in the gutter!

Alright, Primo, relax.

We don't want to kill you.

We just want you to give these guys their land back.

They get nothing!

Mickey O'Shea never loses!

I took on the Wheat Board and won -- twice!

Okay, tying the guy up right

you shoulda figured out on your own!

...and my Dad's a no-good drunk and he says if I don't

sell these boxes by sundown, I shouldn't bother coming home.

Save me!

'Tanks, lady.

Wanna buy some --

Thank you.

Hey, where did these come from?

...and so the cookie really first appeared

in seventh century Persia;

one of the first countries to cultivate sugar.

And while the word "cookie" or "little cake" originated

in the Netherlands, it was adopted by -

Okay! I'll take ten boxes if you just shut up!

[doorbell]

Oh. Never mind.

Look, I just don't want any.

Okay, I'll level with ya.

I'm just doing this to stick it to this broad,

Annabelle Westminster.

That sanctimonious know-it-all?

I'll take a dozen.

Thanks!

You know we should hang out, have some tea,

eat some cookies and go over to her house

and cut her brakeline.

You let me go, or I'll pull off your arm

and hit ya with the wet end!

You know, Jimmy, I kinda wanna see that.

Lemme tell ya' something, Primo.

I'm not a guy you wanna make threats to.

I'm the guy who --

I hate to admit it, but I'm startin' to like this guy.

[doorbell]

Hello Jimmy.

I got a glowing report from the Black Paw Tribe.

I fully expected you to bungle it.

I'm happy to say you proved me wrong.

Thanks, McCool.

You know, the Indians have a saying.

"Keep the cops off your porch."

Let's go get a beer.

I can't drink now. I'm on duty.

But I'm not leaving until I hear every detail.

[crash]

What was that?Nuttin'.

The - uh - furnace is acting up.

I've suffered through enough winters to know my way

around a furnace.

How about I take a look?

Did I say furnace?

I meant the water-heater.

Oh, I worked through Mountie college

installing water-heaters.

Okay, I'll come clean.

I didn't want to mention this but...

well... it's Cookie.

Her womanly time is upon us.

So we had to lock her in the basement.

Like a werewolf during a full moon.

Say no more - Pre-Menstrual Syndrome knows no borders.

It is a serious, debilitating condition

that adversely affects men everywhere.

I wish you strength.

For Canada,

where two men can discuss internal lady plumbing!

[sonic boom]

Thank you for your hard work everyone.

We had a very successful cookie drive this year.

True, it's not a competition, nor should it ever be,

but one of you did sell

considerably more than the others --

It's sort of like a best mom award,

don't you think, Twinkie?

Gina McDougal!

Oh yeah! In your face, loser!

You suck! Suuuuuck! Suck, suck, suck.

Suck!

Cookie, I don't think ...

Talk to the hand, bee-yatch!

Say my name! C'mon, say it!

Say my name! Who's your daddy?

Mrs. McDougal! That's enough!

What is wrong with you?

There are children here!

I'm afraid you'll have to leave, Mrs. McDougal.

We don't tolerate that kind of behaviour at Field Girls.

You may wait for your daughter outside because, of course,

she is welcome.

Gina has demonstrated exemplary behaviour

and will be a fine addition to the Field Girls organization.

How 'bout now?

That's what I thought.

Get offa... Quit it...

F--- you ya mangy b---!

Well, look who's back for another shot at the title!

This guy's a tough nut.

Maybe you should just cut your losses?

No.

We do this the Scottish way.

Aw, Christ... Lemme think.

How y'doin'?Find common ground!

What, no "hello"?

I got it!

If we're gonna solve this conflict,

we gotta find common ground.

What could I possibly have in common

with these kidnapping bastards?

Well we gotta at least try!

Come on. Anybody?

What do we have in common?

Hey! I know!

♪ Away, hey, with pints of ale ♪

♪ If I go to jail then pay me bail ♪

♪ I'll share you me bottle and I'll tell you a tale ♪

♪ When I wake up in the morning ♪

♪ I loved a girl named Betty McFawn ♪

♪ It was a magic night that went till dawn ♪

♪ She said 'quit smoking' so I was gone ♪

♪ When she woke up in the morning ♪

♪ Away, hey, with pints of ale ♪

You're alright, you know that?

No, you're alright, O'Shea.

Aw, look at you two getting along.

You're like Sonny and Cher.

You're a tiny politician, and you can't sing.

You know what?

I like beer.

Tell you what, you can have the land back.

I'll divert the highway.

No, no, no, no, no.

Keep it where it is.

We like you.

You can have the land.

No, no, I insist.

And on top of that I'm gonna get you fellas

a huge grant to build a casino.

I am not going to offend you.

It's a deal.

Can you believe it, Jimmy?

It all worked out 'cause of me!

Well they don't call you "S--- For Brains" for nothing.