Original subtitles

How y'doin'?

I used to be Jimmy Falcone, a capo in the Gambini family.

Now I'm Jimmy McDougal,

living in witness protection, like a schnook.

But I gotta admit, sometimes I can't help but wonder

if it ain't my own damn fault.

You see, a while back I needed to ask the Don for a favour...

Ah, buona notte, sweet fishie.

Don Gambini, I come to you on my knees

to ask you to call off the hit on my Uncle Cheech.

Cheech, he talks a lot, but he don't mean no -

No!

By the way, not easy keeping the Don in one piece.

He was a great man, a brilliant criminal mind,

but kind of a spaz.

[roar]

As I was saying, Cheech don't mean no harm.

He's just a little light in the cranial region and-

Hey, Jimmy, look at that storm brewin'.

Is that lightning?

Son of a bitch! It is lightning!

[thunder crack]

[waltz plays]

Jimmy, that better be a gun in your pocket.

I beg your forgiveness, Don Gambini.

But as I was saying, Godfather,

my Uncle Cheech is a good man,

always been a good earner for you,

and if you could only show him some mercy -

Jimmy, you come to me on a good day.

I received news today

that my beautiful daughter Tina is to wed.

On this day, I am a happy man, filled with much love.

Does this mean you'll give my Uncle Cheech another chance?

No, that ship has sailed.

But what it means

is that you may bring your family to the wedding,

especially that daughter of yours,

that Theresa - what a piece of ass!

So like I said, sometimes I can't help but wonder

if it all ain't my own damn fault...

'Cause that's why we wound up in witness protection

here in Vagina -Regina -

Saskatchewan.

But if you think I'm gonna beat myself up over it...

Fugget about it.

♪ Let me tell you something ♪

♪ 'bout a friend or ours named Jimmy ♪

♪ made the Wiseguy and the Capo with Gambini ♪

♪ When he found out they'd be whacking Uncle Cheech ♪

♪ He take the boss,

♪ He threw him from the 19th floor suite ♪

♪ Wasn't much long 'til the mob wants him dead ♪

♪ So Jimmy had no choice but to talk to all the Feds ♪

♪ the Feds say they have to take and use him as a pawn ♪

♪ So he ratted out his friends and moved to Saskatchewan ♪

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

♪ Fugget about it

Oh! Fugget about it!

PETEY: Pop, I'm just fifteen.

Why do I have to learn to drive now?

Because driving is what men do.

My father taught me how to drive a getaway car.

His father taught him how to drive a getaway car.

And his father was run over by a getaway car.

Is this supposed to convince me?

Petey, there's nothing better in the world than driving.

Well... drinking.

Drinking and driving. But not together!

You don't drink and drive, you Stugatz!

You know, I wasn't gonna bring this up,

but since you're into this whole bonding thing,

my school's having a father-son

recycle drive this Friday.

Will you come with me?

Listen Petey, I'm pretty sure I have something on Friday.

I just haven't made up what it is yet.

Now, come on, make like we're being chased by cops!

Alright, alright. Give me the keys.

Pfft. Keys.

[engine starts]

[tires screeching]

Okay, what we'll do now is called

"fleeing the scene of a crime."

Drive! Drive! Drive!

The nuclear powered engine.

Not my best idea.

What do we do?

This is a very delicate situation, son.

Just follow my lead.

Ow! Ow! My neck! My neck!

Oh my God! Pop! That's Richard Wheatthin!

One of the richest men in the world.

Really? In that case...

My neck! My back! My knee!

You're Richard Wheatthin!

Yes, I'm afraid I am.

Computer genius, inventor,

world renowned wildlife photographer!

I'm also a licensed manicurist.

Few people know that.

I'm Petey McDougal.

This is such an honour!

I saw you compete at the Winter X Games!

You were awesome!

I guess.

If we live in a world where silver medals

are considered awesome.

Where I come from it's still third place.

Uh...

this is Jimmy, my parent and/or guardian.

Easy.

I just been in a terrible wreck.

You hit me.

Okay, we'll call it even.

Actually, I should thank you.

I was about to go into production

with that nuclear engine.

Well, nice meeting you.

Pop, the least you can do is give the man a ride.

No, I can do less.

I live just up the hill.

Oh alright... Come on.

This guy just takes and takes.

Your cuticles look very healthy, Jimmy.

You can just say the barn door is open, but thanks.

COOKIE: Okay, over just a smidge!

L'il more!

I want his thingy pointin' to the front door!

It's classy, but also informational.

[horse neighs]

Cookie, I need a word.

Well if it ain't my Special Agent McCool.

[chuckles]

Look how handsome you look

in your shiny red uniform all pressed and clean...

and... Ooh... Have you been working out?

Where do you get guns like these?

My gun was issued at headquarters.

I know that's not what you meant but I felt it prudent

to change the subject.

And I'm here to tell you

that you cannot keep this statue on your lawn.

Why not? This is some fancy s---.

For one, a Canadian family would never possess such a thing,

and its medium-sized genitalia

is a neighbourhood distraction.

Medium? Hello...

Boy-oh-boy!

...Can you imagine having a jablom like that

and no freakin' arms to get at it?

I mean, c'mon, McCool, guy-to-guy,

if you were him

and you couldn't give it a little tug now and then,

you'd wanna kill yourself...

but ya couldn't 'cause ya got no arms!

I'm leaving now, Uncle Cheech.

And I shall trust you can understand

why I won't shake your hand.

COOKIE: Resident, resident,

bill, resident.

Yay! Victoria's Secret catalogue!

Cookie, you cannot throw away your neighbors' mail.

That is an indictable offense!

Cheese and whiskers, this is someone's Baby Bonus check!

What kind of check now?

A Baby Bonus check, Gina.

It's Canada's gift to the parents of all children.

Go on, Chief.

It was instituted after World War Two

to reduce financial stress on soldiers' families.

Australia has the same Baby Bonus policy,

but theirs is racist to ensure white control of the country,

so not really the same at all.

And who's eligible for this Baby Bonus?

All parents of children under seven.

My mother got the Baby Bonus for me and she always said,

"I don't need money for this child.

I would pay to have a child this good."

And we would laugh and she would hold me...

...and then we'd make pancakes and cry

because Daddy loved boxed wine and pornography.

But I say too much.

For Canada, and the fact that we're not Australia!

[sonic boom]

Most of the art is my own, of course.

I paint what I feel and feel what I paint.

So you feel like a clown riding a blue wolf?

Sometimes Jimmy, sometimes.

I see you enjoy tennis.

No, those are snowshoes.

One of my many passions.

I once spent an entire winter

lost in the forests of Manitoba,

with nothing but those snowshoes and a People Magazine.

The magazine meant nothing, of course, but those shoes...

those shoes saved my life.

Science was your first love, though, right, Mr. Wheatthin?

Same as me?

Yes Petey, same as you.

Well, we should get going, Petey.

We got that thing.

What thing?

You know, the thing.

The old... thingy-thing-thing.

What are you talking about?

I think if I'm reading your father correctly,

he wants to leave because he is very very bored.

Yes. Thank you. That thing.

C'mon, Pop.

Can't we just stay a little longer?

I want to see the science lab.

You do have a science lab, right?

Why, they'd take away my nerd card if I didn't.

You have a nerd card?

Come on Petey, I gotta get back.

Maybe Mr. Wheatthin could give me a ride home.

Is that all right with you, Mr. Wheatthin?

Sure, if it's okay with your father.

Lemme think about this -

Get out of my bedroom!

There's something you don't say very often.

Have you ever thought about being a mother?

I've had some scares. Why?

How would you like to rip off the government

and get something for nothing?

Sounds like something I might be interested in.

It's called the Baby Bonus.

Go-od, I'm not gonna have a baby.

Have you seen what having a baby does to a female body?

I mean, I love mom, but look at her.

You don't have to have a baby.

All you have to do is pretend to be my mother

and we get a government check every two weeks.

What do ya mean pretend? Like acting?

Yeah, like a movie star.

I could do that.

But I won't do nudity.

Unless it's intrinsic to the character,

and tastefully done.

So I'm thinking a sixty-forty split,

I get the sixty-five 'cause I came up with it,

so you good with thirty?

How'd it go with Petey's driving?

The kid's hopeless.

I gotta ask you something, Cook.

Be honest. Is he mine?

Jimmy, sometimes I'm not even sure he's mine.

So where is he?

I left him out at some jillionaire's house

in the country.

Petey ran him off the road so we drove him to his mansion

and it had all kinds of stuff the kid liked.

Are you out of your mind!

You left a teenage boy

with some strange man you know nothing about,

who has toys and gadgets to lure young boys to his compound?

Well, when you put it like that it sounds bad.

[loud engine]

Mom, Dad, I can drive! It's so easy!

Watch!

I hope you don't mind that I gave him a quick lesson.

How the hell did you learn so fast?

Well, why didn't you just tell me that the spark plug

ignites the air/fuel mixture so that combustion can occur,

and that the intake and exhaust valves open

at just the right moment for the engine to fire?

Man, what else didn't you tell me?

Uh... always check your mirrors.

Let's drive some more, okay?

Of course son, I'd love to.

Lemme just get my -

He's a better father than I am.

He's also taller and richer than you are.

I swear to God that just slipped.

Great breakfast, Cookie.

Sure is.

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the morning.

Mr. Wheatthin says a man could survive on a grain of sand

for two weeks if he had to.

Yeah, if he doesn't mind love handles.

Anyway Ma, we gotta run.

I'm taking Gina to the mall.

Aw, that fills my heart.

Two sisters spending the day together shopping.

Since we moved here, I never get to see my sainted sister -

that painted ho - I miss her so.

Here she goes.

Time for the waterworks.

Boo-hoo-hoo.

You will not disrespect your grandmother that way.

You're not my mother, you're my sister.

Don't talk back to me, young lady.

You know, Mr. Wheatthin and his sister

have a variety show in England.

Jeez, Petey, can we talk about something else for a change?

How's about football?

Sure.

Did you know that Mr. Wheatthin's

great grandfather invented football?

Every time somebody throws a pass

his family gets six dollars.

You're killin' me, Petey.

On and on about this guy.

It's not like the man can fly.

Just invented it. It runs on beetle dung.

I've got one for you, Petey!

That's the gayest thing I ever seen in my life,

and I watch "Glee".

OMG!

It says here we could go to prison for committing fra-ood.

That's "fraud".

And only if you get caught.

I can't go to prison, Gina!

Those guys would go crazy for me!

It would be a women's prison, numbnuts.

Even worse!

I'd have to chop off my hair and buy a flannel.

Take it easy, no one's going to jail

because you are a great actress.

Right, right, right, I forgot.

Okay, lemme get into character.

WOMAN: Theresa McDougal!

Here we go.

Say it.

Oh, for the love of God...

Action!

I am Theresa McDougal.

This is my daughter Gina.

We are residents of Canada

and have never collected the Baby Bonus

because I was working in the Peace Corporation

helping to feed the Indigo people of Del Taco.

I'm deaf as a stone, dear!

I just assign the numbers!

Over there!

Now you know why it says

"Do not write on this part of the form".

Mama?

Jimmy are you okay?

It looks like there was a hit in here.

There wasn't, was there?Naw!

Come on, Cook, what do you think, I'm an animal?

I only whack people in the garage.

So what's going on?

You only make sauce when you're upset.

Aw, Cookie, I'm like a open book to you.

It's like you open a book and go,

"Jeez, there's Jimmy in a book!"

What is it, Big Man?

Okay, it's just that...

Petey's hanging out with his new fancy friend

and I feel like I been replaced.

You ain't been replaced, ya big dope.

Petey looks up to you.

If you want your boy back, you take him back.

Good news, Pop.

I invited Mr. Wheatthin to the father-son recycle drive.

He said yes, so you're off the hook.

Aren't you happy?

No I am not happy, Petey.

You are my only son

and I will not allow you to go without me.

But I already invited him.

Then un-invite him.

I can't!Then I will.

It's time for me to stand up like a man.

I will be your escort to the father-son dance!

It's not a dance!

Then why did I buy this corsage?

[gasp]

You comfortable?

Can I get you anything?

There seems to be some confusion in your file.

What's your name, sweetheart?

Theresa McDougal.

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?Aaahhhhhhhh.

Don't mess with us, baby-cakes.

Your so called daughter's being questioned in the other room

and she's singin' like a canary.

So I'll ask you one last time.

Where were you born?

Caaaa-naaa-daaa?

Alright. Good enough.

Let's go get your check.

So you know for next time, you can do this online.

Look, you seem like a nice guy but Petey is my son,

which makes me his father, which means I'm the one

who should take him to the father/son whatchamacallit.

Look, I don't want to step on anyone's toes,

but recycling is one of my pet projects.

I invented the blue bin.

Few people know that.

Why don't we both take him?

No son of mine is showing up with two daddies

at something as important as a whatchamacallit.

Well, I already told him yes.

I can't say no now.

You can if I tell you to.

You will if I tell ya to.

And I'm tellin' ya to!

No, I don't think so, Jimmy.

I don't think you know who you're dealing with.

Since you brought it up, you do look kind of familiar.

Okay, I didn't want to have to do this...

Oh my God!

You're Jimmy Falcone!

Alright... you can take the kid.

I am not Jimmy Falcone.

I don't even know who that is.

Of course you are.

Come here, I want to show you something.

I've always been a mafia nut.

I totally followed your trial.

So I'm dying to know, when you whacked Sammy the Sparrow,

did you really use a lead pipe?

No, it was an axe handle, and I am not Jimmy Falcone!

And was your Uncle Cheech really the wheel man

on the Altomonte Foods heist?

Nah, it was Nicky the Nail.

It was supposed to be Cheech, but he was holed up in a hotel

in Jersey with a schoolteacher he met.

Funny story, really, -

I mean, I am not Jimmy Falcone!

I can't believe I didn't recognize you right away.

Alright, fine. You got me.

What do ya' want?

I want us to be friends, Jimmy.

Oh for f--- sake.

What do ya think would happen if we was made, Cheech?

I thought we was made.

No, I know we're made men, I mean,

what if we was made by somebody here in Vagina.

I don't care who done it, Jimmy.

Just so long as we was made.

[horse neighs]

I hope this is good, Jimmy.

I was polishing my knob.

Look how shiny it is.

Now, what seems to be the problem?

Listen, I'm just wondering, hypochondriacally speaking -

what would happen if we was made?

What are you talking about?

You see what I mean?

It's hard to follow.

I'm just wondering what you feds would do

if somebody recognized us.

Would you, I don't know, waste him,

so that the person that was made

wouldn't have to do it himself?

No.

Nothing would happen to the person who recognized you,

but we would immediately move you and your family North.

I thought this was North.

There's a more North?

So North you'll s--- your pants just for the heat.

But why do you ask? Have you been spotted?

No, not at all.

Uh, the thing is...

there's this father-son dance coming up at the high school.

Wondering if you wanna take Petey?

Why, Jimmy?

So you can stay home and watch porn and drink cheap wine?

Well, I won't be a part of it.

For Canada, where poop is your friend and also your blanket.

[sonic boom]

We did it!

We totally burned Johnny Canuck!

Oh...

I feel kinda bad now that I know his name.

Oh, this is gonna buy a lot of candy.

Alright, but only one piece a night

and you must brush immediately after.

Will you knock it off.

What? I'm still in character.

We're home now. You're not my mother.

You never had a baby.

I knew this day would come.

Gina, it's natural to be curious about where babies come from.

Who said I'm curious -

When a man and woman love each other,

they have a lot of intercourse.

A lot.Hey!

I am not hearing where babies come from from you!

I don't want to get too technical

because I'm not a doctor,

but when a man's peeper gets hard -

Goodbye.

You get back here, young lady.

I am still pretending to be your mother!

And if that's not enough,

may I remind you it's my name on the check.

Nothing is worth this. You can have it all.

And... scene.

Petey, I thought it over and...

you can go to the father-son whatchamacallit with Wheatthin.

Seriously, Pop?

Aw, man, you're the best!

I do what I can, son.

Wheatthin. It's me, Jimmy.

I think you're right about us being friends.

What d'ya say we go snowshoeing?

Out in the tundra?

Where no one can see us or hear us for miles.

...so after the Campanelli boys got through with him

we had to start calling him Johnny Two Legs.

[laughs]

Amazing! Tell me another one.

Alright, here's one.

Few years back we was robbing the safe

of Frankie three to the right, eight to the left,

seven to the right.

Nobody could figure out the combination.

So we blew it up!

Wow. This is awesome.

You know, I'm starting to wonder if I know too much.

I know your name, the crimes you've committed,

where you're in hiding.

If this were a movie, you'd have to whack me.

Yeah. If this was a movie.

Oh, crap.

Please no!

Buddy, you gotta understand, I so don't wanna do this.

I never had me a fan before.

Please, Jimmy!

I won't tell anyone, I promise!

I don't want to die!

I have a family!

Well, I don't, but I'm cloning one in the lab.

Don't do it, Pop!

He's my only friend in Canada.

He's my only friend anywhere!

Ya gotta do it, Jimmy.

He made you and by that I mean he recognized you.

Want me to do it, Pops?

Get yer ass home and clean this kitchen,

you son of a bitch!

Daddy!

Please Pop. Let him go.

I'll never ask you for anything again.

Just do this, for me, your first born male.

Please!

Sincerely yours, Petey.

Alright, Wheatthin, you caught yourself a break.

Let's head back.

Thank you, thank you.

And I meant it when I said I'll never tell anyone.

Jimmy, I have homes all over the world.

Paris, Beijing, Rome.

I hang out with world leaders and movie stars.

I don't want them to know I live in Regina.

You know, my family invented ice fishing.

[whistling]