Original subtitles

so um

So easy to love.

So easy to idolize all others above.

So worth the yearning for.

So swell to keep every...

You know, there's great wisdom in jokes, Falk, really.

There's an old joke about a prizefighter who's in the ring, and he's getting

killed, he's getting his brains beat out, and his mother's in the audience,

and she's watching him getting beaten up in the ring, and there's a priest next

to her, and she says, Father, Father, pray for him, pray for him. And the

priest says, I will pray for him, but, you know, if he could punch, it would

help.

There's more insight in that joke, you know, into what I call the...

giant so what than most books on philosophy women

camus said that women are all that we're ever going to know

of paradise on earth now in your case fork there is a seminal joke

that that henny youngman used to tell that i think is perfect i mean it sums

it up perfectly as far as you go guy comes into a doctor's office he says doc

Doc, it hurts when I do this.

The doctor says, don't do it.

Think about that.

That's David Dobell, and I'm Jerry Falk.

We spent many afternoons walking and talking in the park. Did I know when I

first met him how nuts he was?

We met up at the office of some so-called intellectual comedian's agent.

We were both fledgling comedy writers trying to... break in the business by

writing nightclub routines for comics. The difference was I was 21 and he was

60.

He wants truisms, not just jokes, truisms.

And at this point, we can't afford some of the crazy prices for the more

established. Let me say this, if I may.

I can't speak for David Dobel because I don't handle it.

In fact, Jerry and I just met him now, but.

I've handled Jerry Falk since he began.

And with Jerry Falk, you get top quality goods for your money.

You can buy a suit, you know, you get the same cut in a cheap fabric as you

can in an expensive fabric.

Jerry gives you affordable fabric.

A quality, quality fabric at affordable prices. Isn't this gabardine?

Who is that piece good salesman that handles you?

Harvey? Don't ask it. My cross to bear. I'd love to dump him, but I...

I can't. I'm his only client. You pay that little troll 10% of your salary?

20. Actually, 25.

It's a long story, but he was there for me when my marriage broke up.

Don't tell me you're one of those kids that got married very young, you thought

it was going to be very exciting, it turned out to be herpetudinous, and you

dumped her. Am I right? Did I read it right? No, no, you did not. She left me.

I can't leave anybody.

It's my main problem in analysis. I'm afraid to sleep alone.

Hepitudinous? You're in analysis already?

Yeah, very, very committed, actually. I've actually turned down some TV jobs

in Los Angeles because my shrink felt we weren't finished with our work yet.

You chose psychoanalysis over real life?

Are you learning disabled?

Obviously, you're not familiar with psychoanalysis.

Wrong thought. I'm completely familiar with psychoanalysis.

Similar hustlers tried to fob it off at me at Penn Whitney.

You were in Penn Whitney?

That's right. A nut house.

I was in the psych ward for about six months. A vacation I don't look back on

with great nostalgia.

Really? Hey, relax.

You know, you don't have to move away.

Oh, no, no. I'm not suggesting you were violent or anything. Oh, no, no. I was

violent. That's why they put you in a straitjacket, because you're violent.

You were in a straitjacket?

Hey, I'm not going to take the axe off the wall and split your head open. You

know, you don't have to be scared. I'm just surprised. That's all. What

happened? Why were you in there?

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist. He said, you

know, why did you get so depressed and do all those things you did? And I said,

you know, because I wanted this girl, and she left me.

And he said, well, we have to, you know, look into that. And I said, there's

nothing to look into. I wanted the girl, and she loved me.

And I said, well, we've got to, you know, why so intense?

Why are you feeling so intense?

I said, because I want the girl.

And he said, well, but what's underneath it?

I said, nothing underneath it. You know, I want the girl.

And he said, well, we have to give you some medication or something. I said, I

don't want any medication. I want the girl.

And he said, well, we have to at least work this through.

And at that point, I took the fire extinguisher.

from out of his casement, and I struck him across the back of his neck.

And before I knew it, there were guys from Con Ed with jumper cables in my

head, and, you know, the rest was... And why are you in analysis?

Are you afraid to sleep alone? What else?

Fear of death.

It's funny, I have that, too. You know, my dog has it. I mean, it's very common

to living creatures. And there are some rough patches with my girlfriend.

You have a girlfriend?

I'm deeply in love.

Really? Yeah, really. With the most beautiful, charming, sexy, wonderful...

But there are rough patches, right?

We'll get through them.

Yeah, but there are painful conflicts.

She can be...

Difficult, I guess, but you'd love her. She's a knockout. A knockout, I'm sure,

but impossible.

I never said impossible. You did. No, difficult.

I said she can be difficult.

All right, now she's difficult, but soon she'll be impossible.

Believe me. Actually, she's very supportive of my goals.

What goals? What are these goals?

I want to write a novel.

A novel about man's fate in the empty universe.

No God, no hope, just human suffering and loneliness.

Yeah, I would stick to the jokes if I were you. That's where the money is. You

want a lift?

Uh, no, no, I'm okay. I'm actually going to meet my girlfriend. Today is her

anniversary. Oh, you know, maybe next week, if you'd like, we could drive out

together to watch that intellectual comedian parade his amphigories for us.

I, uh, you know...

Yeah, sure, sure. That'd be great.

That's funny.

I was once in a cab.

This was years ago.

And I was pouring my heart out to the cab driver about all the stuff that you

were prattling on about a minute ago. Life, death, the empty universe, the

meaning of existence, human suffering.

And the cab driver said to me, you know, it's like anything else.

Think about that.

He was a school teacher who lived on Roosevelt Island. Public school.

Too frightened to give up his job and try comedy writing full time because, as

he said, he knew what it was to starve.

Amphigories?

Habitudinous? Meanwhile, I'm on my way to meet Amanda.

I'll be on time. She'll be late.

She's late?

She's disorganized?

Incidentally, that's not our big problem.

She drives me crazy, but God.

Wait till you meet her. She is adorable.

Are you getting the picture already?

You know, we did say 7.30.

Sorry!

I mean, it was pretty tough to get a reservation, you know.

What's the matter?

I'm in a bad mood.

I can see. Why?

I did terribly at an audition today. You always think you did badly.

I felt so confident until I got up to read, and then I just, I completely

froze. All right, don't obsess. I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

I don't understand why I'm my own worst enemy.

I could play that part in my sleep.

I know you can. All right, all right, look, just calm down. We'll go inside,

we'll have a good dinner, okay? We'll have some wine, you can relax. I gotta

tell you about this character I met today. He's a fascinating individual.

Don't be mad at me, but I ate.

You ate?

I couldn't help it. I was starving when I got back from the audition, and so I

had a little sliver of that Sara Lee cream cheesecake, and then I had another

one, and you know what I'm like when I get started. Before I knew it, I had

finished the whole cake.

You ate the whole Sara Lee cream cheesecake?

And then I figured, what the hell, so I finished off the cold spaghetti in the

refrigerator, and I ate that last lobster tail, and then I heated up some

chicken pot pie.

Jesus, is there any furniture left in the house?

I'm so fat.

It's disgusting.

How could you eat right before dinner?

I'm sorry.

I was so angry at myself for screwing up. I couldn't help it.

You know, I reserved a corner booth.

It's okay.

You can order, and I'll just get a club soda. I'm dieting anyway.

I can't take their best booth with just one of us eating it. It's not nice.

No, it's fine.

No, it's not. It's not fine. It's dinner hour. You know, the restaurant's jam

-packed. You can't not eat. How does it look?

What do you care what it looks like? I mean, why do you always care what other

people think?

It's embarrassing if just one of us eats, you know?

Okay.

Well, order me a meal, and I just won't eat it. I can't go in there and do that.

Well, then order me a steak, and I'll get a doggie bag, and it can be my

insomnia snack.

What kind of an anniversary dinner is that?

Huh? Can I have one dinner, please? And can you put a steak in a doggy bag?

Look, I just, you know, I thought we'd sit over some wine and look into your

eyes and tell you how beautiful you are.

Well, I'm not beautiful. I'm fat.

All right, look, let's, let me, I'll cancel the reservation.

Let's just, let's go home. I'll make myself some eggs or something.

There are no more eggs. I ate them.

What are you doing?

I made myself a sandwich.

There were some cans of tuna left.

Thank God she hasn't learned how to use the new electric can opener yet.

My mother's coming to live with us.

What? I'm so angry at her.

Wait a minute. Did I miss something here?

She left her boyfriend.

Well... What happened? I thought she was finally settled.

What happened? What happened is she's mad in Bovary.

She's married to a doctor, a Park Avenue doctor even, and that's too dull for

her. And there's Tom, the money market maven, and Perry, the travel agent guy.

But no, she wants more.

More? More what?

I'm sure she doesn't know. I mean, more fantasies?

Her use back?

She wants to fulfill her life before it's too late.

Okay? Those are her words. Why here? Why is she coming here?

Well, she has no money. She has nowhere else to go. It's just for a little

while. Amanda, we have no... Where? Where is she gonna... We have no room.

There's no room here.

Well, I figured we could put a bed in the office.

In the office? No, in the office, Amanda.

That's where I write. That's where I create.

My whole world is in there.

Well, you can create in the living room.

I can't... No, Amanda, everything is in there, okay? That's my space. That's

where I write. All of my rituals revolve around my space.

I can't... Well, she's my mother. She's not going to stay in a shelter.

Why didn't you tell me this earlier?

Well, I didn't want to ruin your dinner.

Oh, my anniversary tuna fish sandwich?

Look, you're making matters worse, okay?

You're giving me a migraine.

Yeah, Lou.

I'll only be a minute. You know, when I left you, I ran into Danny Wax.

Danny Wax. He said that the babysitter routine you wrote for him is not

working. There's no laughs. There's not one laugh in that routine.

People are sitting out there with stone faces.

The routine is fine. This guy's just in the wrong profession.

That's what I told him. I said, look, Danny, you've been around for such a

long time, you think there's a reason you never really made it?

No tax.

None. None.

I said to him, I said, Danny, look, a man buys a suit. He says he's happy with

the suit. Then he goes around the corner, he sees another suit. Suddenly

he doesn't want the suit he's got. He's not happy with it. He wants a new suit.

He's not happy with the old one.

Right. Listen, I'm actually a little busy right now. Can I give you a ring

back, please?

Look, I was up to NBC.

There is nothing doing up there. Not right now. Things being equal, they'll

change. Right now, they're not equal.

Look, I would like to have lunch with you this week.

I need a business thing done. We have to talk.

I got a little business thing I want to talk to you about.

What kind of business?

What do you mean, business? What do you want to talk?

There's nothing to get anxious about. It's about the future.

Goodbye.

Jerry.

Do you think I'm fat?

I think you're amazing looking.

That's because you're used to all those losers you went out with before me.

Losers? Yeah, not all of them were losers.

What is behind your back? Something for me? Yes, it is. Happy anniversary. This

is for you. Happy anniversary.

You have to forgive the wrapping.

Because I wrapped it myself and I lost my temper and I couldn't get it even.

Yeah, I could tell. Not exactly a work of art, but I do forgive you.

Open, open, open.

I think I know what those are. Do you know what they are? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, these are the earrings from downtown.

Exactly. I couldn't not get them for you. You look so good in those kind of

earrings. Let me see. Do I?

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

Oh, thank you. You like them?

You're the only one I've ever dated who's known exactly what to get me.

It's because you have a special vision of me.

Ah, no exit in the flies, Jean-Paul Sartre. That's amazing.

Thank you so much.

Between that and O'Neal, I couldn't decide whose nihilistic pessimism would

make you happier.

You know, I think it was Tennessee Williams who said that the opposite of

death is desire.

And I desired you from the first moment we met.

I could live down here. It is so beautiful.

It is. It's very pretty.

I don't know about living down here, though. I mean, I like to come here to

visit, but I like to go home to the Upper East Side, you know? You wouldn't

consider it?

After we get married, move down to the village?

Why is the act of marriage so important?

I just got out of a marriage. I mean, just because, you know, we get a signed

piece of paper.

I mean, you moved in with me. We're a couple, right? Yes, we moved in

together. You know, we've been going together for over a year now. I get...

I guess I'm old-fashioned that way. I know, I know. And all your girlfriends

are getting... Hey!

Falk, what's up?

Hey, how you doing?

Good to see you. Bob, this is Brooke. Brooke, Bob's daughter. How are you?

How's it going, man?

Amanda, it's Amanda.

This is Falk. Hey, Jerry, nice to... This is Brooke. Nice to meet you.

So what are you guys doing down here?

She just bought her father a totally ridiculous birthday present.

You think it's ridiculous.

I think it's great.

Well, I'd let them see. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Oh, that's a... It's a

turn-of-the-century stereopticon.

Stereopticon. You knew that. That's great. Well, wait, it's complete with

pornographic slides. That comes with it.

Isn't it wonderful?

It's brilliant. I think it's brilliant.

That's just what he needs, antique pornography.

I always thought you had a little yin for your dad.

Ha-ha. Hey, I was gonna call you. We're going to this great Indian restaurant

tomorrow night.

We're gonna invite you. I've hyped you up to Amanda. You could only disappoint.

That sounds great. We're not busy tomorrow night, right? We're supposed to

take my parents out.

oh but that that was that was tentative i thought do you hate indian food i hate

i i hate such a strong word i plus i've been meaning to to give it a second

chance since i only recently came to realize how much you you love she loves

tandoori chicken come on it'll be i should give it another shot i should

what i love about bogart is that he's so intensely urban you know the cigarette

the five o'clock shadow always in some seedy nightclub

Didn't I say that exact same thing about Frank Sinatra, actually? Urban.

Exactly. I even used the term.

Where did you go to school?

Ethical culture.

Fieldston. Brandeis.

But I dropped out.

Well, one of your professors fell in love with her.

It was terrible.

He was married.

It was way too much pressure for all of us. His poor wife.

And in addition to acting, she was also a very good singer.

I try to sing.

But then I hear someone like Billie Holiday and forget about it.

She's your favorite. Favorite.

But you can't listen to the CDs, right? Because they sterilize the sound.

Didn't I say that? I absolutely agree with you. It totally sterilizes. That's

so funny. Actually, someone told me about this little CD record store that

has all of her old recordings on 78s and 33s.

I'd love to know about it.

She is amazing.

Hey, listen, it's early. Why don't we go to the Village Vanguard?

Diana Krall is playing. It should be a great show if you're interested.

I'll get so discouraged, but I am dying to see her.

Great. You get up so early to write.

Yeah, well, I've got most of my stuff done for tomorrow, so should we?

Sure.

Great. Hide your heart from sight Lock your dreams at

night

It could happen to you

Don't count stars or you might

stumble Someone drops a

sigh and down you tumble Keep

an eye on spring Run when church bells ring

She's so moving.

I agree. She's totally... She's moving.

Absolutely. You've captured her.

What was I

saying? Oh!

I would love to take one of those small boats down the Amazon.

It's supposed to be so beautiful.

Not tonight.

Of course, of course not tonight. That's funny.

But how thrilling would that be, though? That would be so thrilling.

you hate heat you hate mosquitoes i hate i hate malaria it's it's malaria

remember it's i don't hate all mosquitoes that's i want to see those um

parrots and the giant butterflies i've seen pictures of that national

geographic yeah they're gorgeous giant huge huge but and and and and the wild

monkeys would be the monkey what how much have you had to drink do you like

snakes do i like snakes Some people get really queasy around them. But I think

they're beautiful.

And the way they move, it's so sensual.

No, no, no, yeah, it's so sensual. I love snakes.

Cobras, for example.

Pythons. Naturally, pythons. Of course, garters, rattlesnakes, love them all.

I cannot believe I'm hearing this.

Oh, please, I've often said, often, that there's nothing like a good, dense

jungle in the rain. I've said this.

You're drunk.

It's not true. Speaking of rain, though, there's supposed to be a hurricane

tonight.

We should rent a car and drive out to the Hamptons.

We could walk on the beach and see... She hates the Hamptons.

Well, nobody hates the ocean.

She's up for anything.

I mean, it's too late for me. I can't... Don't you have an audition tomorrow?

My candle burns at both ends. It will not last the night.

Millay! And Millay, she's my favorite...

Poe, don't I quote her all the time? And then Malay, that's... Amanda's pretty,

isn't she?

Uh, you know, she's okay, I suppose.

You're drunk.

I was looking at her face under that candlelight, and, oh, she has this

offbeat sexual quality?

Yeah, I guess if, uh, you know, if you find that crippling sense

of passionate heat behind those...

Big eyes, sexy.

Huh? Hmm?

Nothing, nothing.

Well, your friend Bob's crazy about her. I got the whole story while you were at

the men's room throwing up.

I'm fine. Believe me, I'm okay. She moved in with him, and I get the feeling

that he is dying to marry her.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah. They make a nice couple. I mean, he's charming and very attractive.

Are you okay?

I, um, yeah.

Hi, Amanda?

Hey, it's Jerry Falk.

Hi, good, good, you?

Hey, listen, I was just about to go to this old record store that I found out

about, and I know you were interested in picking up some Billie Holiday, and I'm

actually, I'm vaguely near your house, so I thought, but I mean, if you and Bob

are busy, of course, well, he would be at work. What was I

thinking?

So listen, I could actually be there pretty soon, maybe say three minutes.

Great, I'll meet you out front of your place.

Okay, bye.

These are great.

Hey, let me get you this Diana Krall record as a little present. Since I know

how big of a fan you are.

Wasn't she great the other night?

Oh, she was so great. I love that you appreciate old songs.

They're so pretty.

You know, I'd really love to hear you sing sometime.

Oh, I can't sing publicly.

I'm too fat.

Fat? I'm sorry, did you say fat? But I have these great new diet pills.

They take away your appetite, but they increase your sexual drive.

So is that how you met Bob? From his record company?

No, he picked me up in Central Park, actually.

How funny.

And you guys got...

You got seriously involved.

Well, no.

He'd like to, but, um, I can't commit.

I guess I have a problem with commitment.

I dream of meeting someone who I'll just want to give myself over to, you know,

where I'd be the one hurt in the end.

But, uh, it hasn't happened yet.

You?

Uh, me neither.

Yeah, um, unfortunately, uh, same here. Yeah, Brooke and I, we're, uh...

we're in the last stages uh basically really yeah oh yeah she didn't give me

that impression no she she didn't well that that's uh that's strange because uh

that's that's uh the only impression to give really um oh look at this uh record

cole porter this is a uh this is a fantastic really uh pretty songs on here

let me get you this as a as a little uh present can i can i do that i was

actually listening uh to this last night and and i i thought of you

You were listening to Cole Porter and you thought of me?

You must really have a crush on me.

I do?

I'd say it's fatal.

I'm sorry.

I couldn't resist.

Don't apologize.

I wanted you to.

You did?

Yes. I've had a crush on you since we met.

Couldn't you tell the way I was ignoring you?

There was something compelling about your apathy.

I thought you were sweet and sensitive and vulnerable.

And I could tell you liked me too.

I can't believe I'm in love with a smoker.

I don't want anyone to get hurt.

Where were you? It's 10 o'clock.

Where? Well, um... Well, I had a meeting to go to. You smell from alcohol.

I do.

My God, your tongue is black.

It is?

Well, um... Well, that's because I had some wine.

Wine? Why? It's not Passover.

No.

To celebrate the deal. It was... What deal?

Yeah, yeah, I gotta tell you. It looks like I'm gonna have a great opportunity

to work for a very, very funny puppet.

It's... Remember?

Remember, I am... Is this a woman's hair?

Is this a woman's hair?

Um, well, I, I mean, I, I, it could be, I suppose. Um, um, possibly, uh, the

taxi. It was probably, it was in the, uh, I mean, think of, you know, all the

people in and out I probably, uh, uh, sat up in against the woman's hair. I am

exhausted.

She asked me if I still love her. What could I say?

Why can't I tell her the truth? I'm in love with Amanda.

Why can't I tell her it's over? Why do I have such a hard time leaving people?

Tell me about your dream.

You dream the Cleveland Indians all got jobs at Toys R Us. Yeah, so what can it

possibly mean?

Look, I can't keep wasting my hour here describing lunatic dreams. I have a date

with Amanda, and I can't keep running around town on the sly and live like

this. Amanda, she can handle it better, but I need help here. What do I do?

I have to extricate myself from Brooke. It'll break her heart. She wants to

marry me.

The guy will not talk.

I've been with him for three years now.

What comes to mind about the Cleveland Indians?

See? This is what I get. I need a course of action, and he wants me to free

associate about the Cleveland Indians at Toys R Us.

I love doing it in hotels.

It's so illicit.

And check yourself for shoulder-length hairs and hard-to-justify locations,

okay?

I just have to think of how to let Brooke down gracefully.

Well, there's no rush.

I've been the other woman before.

Was Bob upset when you told him?

He was disappointed.

But I was honest about myself going in.

Naturally, I didn't tell him that it was you I was in love with.

Brooke.

Don't give me that!

I don't believe you. Those marks on your back are bite marks. You think I believe

you fell on your comb?

What are you thinking about?

Everything.

When we first met.

When Brooke found out. Remember that? Or when we checked into that hotel as S

&Z Fitzgerald. Or how we made love everywhere.

Everywhere. You know, when I think of all the risky places that lust overcame

the two of us, it blows my mind.

You know, Fireside Memorial Chapel is a McDonald's now. Oh, yeah?

Fascinating.

Don't. Why not? I can't. What do you mean you can't? It's not natural,

Amanda. We never sleep with each other.

Well, I told you, I'm going through a rough patch.

Yeah, I'll say. It's been six months.

I said you could sleep with other women.

I... I don't love other women. I don't want to sleep with other women. I love

you. What did I do?

What did I do to turn you off? I don't get it. Nothing.

You did nothing.

God, why is it always about you? You have such an ego.

An ego?

What do you want me to do? Just, you know, grit my teeth, close my eyes, hold

myself stiff and let you do it to me? Well, you know, it's getting to the

point where I may settle for that.

I mean, sometimes I think it's because you remind me of my father.

You know, you once told me that you thought your father was sexually

attractive. Well, that's not the part of him that you remind me of.

Oh, it's not? Then what is it, then?

You know, his professional manner.

Sweet and supportive.

Gee, I'm sorry I have so many turn-off qualities I didn't realize.

Sleep with other women.

Just don't tell me about it.

Do you love me?

What a question.

Just because I pull away when you try to touch me?

Just because I pull away when you touch me? I mean, Falk, give me a break.

She said it was temporary.

Meanwhile, you haven't consummated your passion for this woman in six months?

It's unbelievable.

You know, I have a theory, Falk, that too much rejection causes cancer.

She encourages me to sleep with other women.

Well, do it, for God's sakes. You know, there must be a million women out there

that would find it exciting to get into bed with you. You know, maybe not a

million, but I'm sure you could find one if you got it drunk enough.

It doesn't matter. I have no interest in other women.

So, you know, even my first wife was... Wife? You were married?

A bitter story, you know, really.

When I was very young, I should have known something was wrong on the wedding

night, you know, when her family was dancing around my table, chanting, we

will make him one of us.

Oh, boy. I had a rough day.

I got up, and I put on a shirt, and the button came off.

And I went to my car, opened the door, and the handle came off.

Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

Hey, what did you do? I wanted to grab the check.

No, you didn't.

What do you mean, no, I didn't? Yes, I did. I was grabbing the check. I wanted

to take care of it. Never trust the guy who fumbles for the check, you know? He

who wants to get the check gets it. You know, as you go through life, when you

really want to get the check, you'll find a way to get it.

All right, well, I was planning on getting it there. Let me ask you, did

you pick up on what that guy said?

There were three people that were coming in when we were leaving.

Oh, the Swarthy guy? Yes, the kind of dark guy. There were two guys and a

girl. Yeah, no, I didn't hear what they said. He looked at us, and he said to

the other guy...

Jews start all wars.

Did you hear that? No. Yes, absolutely.

He presumably said it to her, or to the guy with him, I don't know, but it was

really for our benefit. He said it loudly, Jews start all wars. I don't

think it was for, well, it wasn't for my benefit, because I didn't hear anything.

I know who you were talking about. I saw this trio, but I did not hear any. And I

have pretty good hearing, Dobell. I don't know what... Because you were

obsessed with the physically prepossessing little waitresses who were

running around. I, uh... Let me tell you, Falk, we live in perilous times.

You've got to keep alert for these things, you know? You don't want your

life to wind up as black-and-white newsreel footage scored by a cello in a

minor key.

God's sakes.

Oh, hey. Hi.

How are you? Good.

How is the comedian?

You know, it's exactly like Dobell says.

There is truly a paucity of veridical talent in the world.

When do I get to meet this polymath? He is unbelievable.

He's read everything.

He plays music, he paints, or so he claims.

I've read some of his poems. They're all morbid. Cancer and shock treatments and

gas chamber. And his vocabulary is astounding. I mean, you can't get the

guy on a word. It's incredible.

Wow, it's so rare that you're so taken with somebody.

Oh, hey, Mrs. Chase.

I told you not to call me Mrs. Chase. My name is Paula.

Mrs. Chase makes me sound ancient. My life isn't over yet. No, no, I didn't

mean to, um... In fact, I'm just starting to live it. No, definitely,

Paula. And I need some help from you. Oh, yeah?

Mom, could you talk about this tomorrow?

It's really late. What?

What? Are we six years old?

Has passed our bedtime?

Yeah, no, it's okay. It's only 1.30. So, I decided to put a number of songs

together and do a nightclub act.

Mother, I keep trying to tell you, the scene has really changed over the past

25 years.

Why are you so discouraging?

I'm not.

I'm realistic.

I just, I don't want to see you get hurt. How can I get hurt? I can always

sing. Of course you can sing.

I'm not saying that. It's just, you know, things change.

Styles, the cabaret business. Why can't you be more supportive? You're so damn

competitive. I am not.

I hate my voice.

Please, hey, you guys both have very good voices.

All I thought was that I'd put a few songs together and you could write some

little between-the-songs talk for me. You know, I've never really done that

sort of thing. You know, just some banter. I mean, I'm not asking for

jokes. God, I couldn't tell a joke if my life depended on it. But just some chit

-chat. You know, the truth is, I'm kind of snowed under at the moment, you know,

with my novel. Oh, God, is nobody on my side?

Hey, it's not that I'm... Terry, come on, you know you could do it. This

stuff... so easily to you. You were just saying this is a fool's errand.

What did you just call me? No, not you. It's an expression.

I know.

I'm trying to dissuade her, but, you know, if she won't listen to me, the

least you could do is help. I'm trying to get this book done.

I've got these nightclub comics are pressing me. I've already taken deposits

from most of them. I can't... Jerry.

Okay, okay. Hey, I never said that I wouldn't do it. I just said I'd have to

fit it in. It's not going to be arduous. I have lots of ideas. I've even arranged

for a piano to be delivered.

Here? Where?

It's just a rental.

I had to rehearse.

But there's no room here for a piano. Oh, you say that because you don't know

how to maximize your space.

I used to be an interior decorator. Tell him, Amanda.

I know this is a real pain, but it's temporary.

Oh, you mean like our lovemaking?

Could you not be gross?

As the days passed, Obel and I got closer and closer.

After he'd finished with the school day, we'd meet in Central Park and hang out.

And he'd usually expound on something.

You think quantum physics has the answer?

I mean, you know, what purpose does it serve for me that time and space are

exactly the same thing?

I mean, I ask a guy what time it is, he tells me six miles.

What the hell is that?

You know, Falk, if a guy comes out on stage at Carnegie Hall and throws up...

You can always find some people who will call it art. Years ago, Falk, a very

wonderful comedy writer wrote a very funny book with a deep, a really deep

and meaningful title. It was called Never Trust a Naked Bus Driver.

Now, you would be amazed how many people do exactly that and worse.

Do you masturbate, Falk?

What? I mean, given the circumstances of your sex life, I would think, you know,

hey, this is not a, you know, stop squirming. No, I'm not. I don't know.

Now and then. Now and then, I guess. What is now and then?

Easter and Purim? I don't really enjoy it.

You know, are you doing it right? Does your hand fall asleep?

No, I happen to think that it's a poor substitute for the real thing. Really?

Because I happen to prefer it to the real thing. Yeah.

Last night I was home by myself in my apartment and I conjured up a threesome

with me and Marilyn Monroe and Sophia Loren.

And it was very, very erotic. As a matter of fact, if I'm not mistaken, it

was the first time those two great actresses ever appeared in anything

together. Well, it sounds nice, but it's nonetheless... The only reason I ask

this is because I think it's very important that as you go through life,

you learn to depend only on yourself.

You know, I mean, do you own a firearm?

A gun?

A gun qualifies as a firearm, yes. No, why would I? Why would I own it? No. For

self-defense. Why else?

Against who?

Against who? Against those who conspire to harm you. To harm me?

Don't ask what did you do to deserve it. I mean, God, read Orton. I mean, you

know, come with me to New Jersey.

Falk, I took the liberty a couple of weeks ago of ordering you a little

present. What?

Well, they're having a sale here on surplus Russian army rifles.

What?

Suppose you're home one night, you know, in bed masturbating, and some guys try

and break in. You need protection.

No, I just dial 911.

I don't need a rifle. Have you ever dialed 911? It's like trying to get a

mortgage. Come on.

Dobell, I don't need a rifle. I'll probably wind up blowing my foot off.

What is wrong with you, Fork? Are you such a maladroit that you can't keep a

firearm in the house without discharging it adventitiously? I don't need a

weapon. Everybody needs a weapon. What does that mean?

It means that the day will come when you'll wish you had one. Why, exactly?

Why? So they don't put you in a boxcar.

I want to get you some of this stuff, too, here.

What for?

Because I want you to start building a survival kit.

You know, I have a perfect survival kit. I've been working on it for years.

Last week, I got some great fishhooks and sort of a waterproof matchbox that

floats. What are you preparing for? The end of civilization?

I just have to know that if I'm alone in the wilds, I can survive by myself.

Sobel, you're a madman.

Yeah, that's what they said in Germany, you know? There were actually groups in

Germany called Jews for Hitler. You know, there were Jews that thought that

they were deluded. They thought he'd be good for the country. They trusted a

naked bus driver.

Never trust a naked bus driver. By the time I got out of bed and actually

loaded the thing, the damage would be done. That's why you keep it loaded.

I should keep a loaded gun in the house?

No, why would you keep an unloaded weapon in the house? Do you keep a

loaded gun in the house?

I have a loaded weapon in my house within reach, within reach, Falk, in

every room.

Just how crazy are you, huh? Is there more? Do you hear voices on the radio or

worship snakes or something? You are a member of one of the most persecuted

minorities in history.

The rifle's on me. Let me handle this.

Dobell, this is making me pretty nervous. I've never owned a weapon

before. You can deal with it. You have to learn to take it apart and put it

together blindfolded, you know, because you may have to do it someday in the

dark. Are you expecting Nazis and a blackout? Oh, incidentally, Falk, while

you were rummaging around the store in an aimless stupor, I picked you up a

couple of items.

You did?

Yeah, I got you a flashlight here that floats if you drop it in the ocean for

any reason.

What reason? When the hell am I near the ocean?

And I want you to build a survival kit. I got you a compass.

I got you... Compass? I live in the middle of Manhattan.

Why would I need a compass? You need this flare gun. I got you some snake

bite stuff.

I got you fish hooks. And I got you water purifying tablets. All right,

Dobell, this all sounds a little excessive to me. I'm not... And don't

pull the trigger. Squeeze it. Squeeze the trigger.

That's right.

Just take aim and squeeze.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

It's empty.

Dobell was just showing me how to use a rifle. We were just practicing.

Why? Well, it's for protection.

From who?

From who? What do you mean, from who?

Dobell, tell her. I'm Dobell.

Hi. Who do you need protection from?

Burglars, rapists, the Gestapo. It was my idea that given the tensions in the

world, that perhaps it would be a prudent idea for young Falk to own a

means of self-defense.

Have you had a mental breakdown?

Wait, you and a rifle? I know, it seems weird.

What is this stuff?

This is all very important. These are water purifying tablets, is what this

is. And that's a flashlight that floats.

So let's say you drop it in the ocean, right? What, are you joining the Boy

Scouts?

This is all very necessary. What the hell are these, bullets? Careful, these

are rounds. These are called rounds, right?

Jump in here at any point.

I don't mean to incite domestic strife here. Look, Amanda, it's all... It's

very safe.

In fact, look, see what happens, see what I do is I take a pliers, okay, and

I remove the lead part from the shell. I take them apart, you see, and then what

I do is I have the empty.

empty shell, okay?

There's nothing.

And what I do is I put this now in the breech, in the rifle, okay? And then

this way, if anything, if a shot's taken, it won't really fire, not until

the second round goes into the breech. The chamber. The chamber, Falk. The

chamber. Does it go into the chamber? Does anything happen?

I am not living in a house with a loaded rifle.

Do you not trust me to keep a firearm in the apartment without hurting anyone? Am

I an imbecile?

Is that a trick question?

Dobell, would you please say something? Look, it's his feeling that as the

economy slumps, crime rises, okay, and rape, rape has risen, you were saying.

Statistically speaking, rape has gone up. And he's still not convinced that

the slaughter of six million Jews is enough to satisfy the anti-Semitic

impulses of the majority of the world. You were saying this. He's paraphrasing,

of course. I put it more succinctly when I... Oh!

Oh, don't worry, Mother.

It's not loaded. It's okay. What's happening?

It's not. I bought a rifle.

A rifle?

I'm not living in a house with a rifle.

Don't worry, Mom. It's leaving. Okay? It's going. No, it's not. It's not

leaving. It's not leaving.

Fork, perhaps we should rethink the whole concept of self-defense. I don't

understand. Mrs. Chase, is it unreasonable to own a fire extinguisher

even though you'll probably never use it? Stop!

Calling me Mrs. Chase.

My name is Paula. I'm not your goddamn schoolteacher.

Falk, as it turns out, urgent business in Terra del Fuego requires my presence,

so I'll be leaving.

Excuse me, sir. Would you mind helping me shift this piano?

Me? Mother, he's a guest.

These are yours, right? Would you take those with you when you go? I don't care

who the hell he is. It'll only take a second. This room isn't right. The room

isn't right because it's too crowded.

What is that supposed to mean? You want me out on a park bench?

Oh, don't be so dramatic. The only thing I want out is this stupid rifle.

Are you going to help me move this goddamn piano or not?

I live to serve. Just make your wishes known.

Pivot. I don't have a loaded gun in the house. Did I get you to bad time? Oh,

hey, Harvey. I just want to set the date. I just want to set the date for

the end of the week. for lunch. Right. Friday? How's Friday?

You know, hold on one second.

That's it.

I've got some cold steamers in the fridge from a week ago Sunday.

Are you hungry?

No, no, no. I make it a practice never to ingest bivalves that have been dead

for more than 72 hours.

Christ, I could use a drink. This room just isn't right. What are these?

Water purifying tablets.

What for? Is the plumbing backed up?

You know, Thursday's better, Harvey. What do you want to talk about?

The who, the what, and the wherefore.

Thursday, Isabel is at noon.

Right.

You're doing it. You're doing it. Just pivot it.

What's happening here? What's going on? I have it under control. There's nothing

that can't be done with the help of the 12 stevedores and some oxen or

something. Where do you want this? Just pivot it against the wall.

I'll help you do it. Here, here, please. Sir, sir, would you take this, please?

Thank you.

Here you go.

Oh, Jesus, what a butterfingers.

Well, no, it's okay. Watch your hands. Watch your hands.

These things happen. It's all right. This can be glue.

I still don't understand why all those people couldn't walk out of the room

after the dinner party and go home. So what'd you think?

It was great. Yeah, yeah, I agree. Yeah.

Listen, I'm really sorry about my mother. I know she's been out of control

recently. Don't worry about it. And she is a little tough, but nevertheless, I

will gladly help her with her singing.

You're such a sweetheart.

I don't know what I'd do without you. Hey, I've got a great idea.

Instead of going home tonight, let's check into a hotel.

What? Let's check into a hotel. You know, maybe away from everything. You

know, in a completely different atmosphere, you'll become more relaxed.

Oh, no. I don't think so. Yeah, we used to check into hotels all the time,

remember? It was so exciting and so much fun. Yeah, but it was different then. We

were in a new location. No, but it won't be different. It'll be just like we used

to. Come on. Come on. It'll be great.

How are you?

Good, thank you. Thank you. I'm interested in a single room. How much

would that be?

We can let you have a single room for $200 a night.

$200? Wow, it's amazing how even the cheapest ones have gone up, huh?

Let's not get a single.

It's so sleazy.

We're trying to be romantic.

You're right.

You're right. Do you have a small suite?

A small suite? Very, very small. Let me check. I'll be right back.

Look at this place.

It's nice.

Thank you. A good one.

How much did you give him?

Three bucks.

Not five?

Five? He just turned the light on. We don't even have any luggage. Should I

have given him five?

It doesn't matter.

I'm sorry. I'm just tense.

This is fun, isn't it? It's kind of sexy being back in a hotel, huh?

Should we... order caviar?

Caviar? You just had all that popcorn at the movie, plus the peppermint and the

ice cream sandwich.

I know.

I'm definitely going on a diet tomorrow.

I can't believe how much they charge for a sweet. It's not what I expected,

that's for sure.

Is that what you're thinking about?

No.

No, no, I'm thinking of you and how sexy you are.

I need another.

Come here.

What's wrong?

No, it's too bright.

Too bright?

Yeah. Really?

Okay, well, I can fix that, I guess.

There. How's that? Is that better? It's still too bright.

Really? Yes. You know how hard this is for me. Okay, all right. Yeah. Well,

maybe it's because of this room.

There.

Is that better?

Now, will you turn that off?

Amanda, you always used to like when we made love with the lights on. Or in a

sunny room in front of mirrors. You remember that? Can we start with the

lights off? Okay, all right. Not a problem.

There we go.

How's that?

Thank you. Yep.

Here, come here.

You know how sexy you are?

Here, let's take your sweatshirt off.

I'll take mine.

Hands off. Here.

Nice. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I had all this loose chain from the movie house

when I went and bought you popcorn. I can't. I can't do this. Amanda,

that's... The moment's ruined. That's crazy. Come on. It shouldn't be that

delicate. Well, it's not about... I should, okay? Look, I'm a wreck.

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, but I can't. I can't do this.

We'll start again, okay? It'll be fine. We'll just clean slate, okay?

Come here. We got this room. Let's take advantage, okay? We'll just start over,

okay? Come here.

See?

It's nothing we haven't done before, right?

Jerry. What?

Jerry, I can't breathe.

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

I can't.

What do you mean you can't breathe? I can't breathe. All right, just... My

throat's swelling. Okay, just... Your throat's not swelling.

Yes, it is. This has happened before. Why don't you sit down?

Amanda, why don't you sit down for a second, okay?

Hey, do you want me to get you some water? Do you want some water? I'll get

you... No, I feel nauseous. You're not nauseous. You're not going to be sick.

Just take it easy. Just... Amanda.

What? Do you want me to open the window? Maybe you just need some fresh air.

God, you're getting pale.

Are you serious?

I need a doctor.

I don't think you need a doctor. Maybe you just need to lay down for a second,

okay?

I'm being dizzy.

Okay. All right, just hold on. Just breathe through your nose, okay?

Here, come on.

Come on.

Leave a tip for the maid.

So if I push on your chest here, do you feel any pain?

Well, it's, you know, right under the breast that I get a shooting kind of

pain. Your left breast? Yes, yes.

Okay.

Yeah. Oh, yeah? Uh-huh.

Okay. Have you ever had a reaction like this before?

Um, yes.

Do you have any allergies?

I have none.

I'm just checking your glands right now.

And you're taking all these pills?

Um, well, yes.

They're different diets, and then I have my antidepressants and my sleeping

pills. All right, but they have opposite effects.

Well, I don't take them all in the same day.

Yeah, and you've had a few vodkas, you say?

Yeah. All right, breathe in.

Hold.

Let it go.

Why do you use diet pills?

Well, I have, um, trouble with my weight.

You're not overweight. You have a lovely figure.

Lean back, lean back.

That doesn't hurt, does it? No.

You're a very beautiful young woman.

Thank you.

Breathe.

Good. The doctor had better sex examining her than I've had in six

months. She has this wayward appeal. Men go instantly crazy for her.

What do I do? I'm trapped in a situation here. What do I do?

Say something.

Our time is up.

Suppose we continue at our next meeting.

Um, Mr. Folk, I would like to say that I'm afraid I'll have to stop treating

you if you insist on keeping that rifle you purchased.

What? Why?

So I think it's an acting out.

And I feel it's more to your advantage to talk about it than act out. Yeah, but

Dobell, he thinks, you know, in the end, we can only really count on ourselves.

I'm afraid our time is up.

If you don't get rid of the rifle, I can't continue the analysis.

Gary. Hey, Bill. How you doing? I'm good. Good to see you. Good, good.

Yeah, you too.

What's going on?

So what are you doing here?

I'm having some lunch with my manager inside.

Oh, you still got that Harry Wexler clown? I just saw him go in. Harvey,

Harvey, yeah. Yeah, I do.

Yep. Nobody understands why you don't lose that guy.

Lose Harvey?

I mean, the guy is a joke in the business.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

I'm just telling you this as a friend. You're starting to happen a little bit.

You know, you don't need a character like this representing you.

Well, thanks. I'll certainly think about it. All right. Hey, how's your

girlfriend doing?

Amanda. Amanda's good. She's good. She's studying acting and singing.

Hey, promise me one thing.

You guys ever break up, you call me and give me your number.

I'm just kidding.

Except I'm deadly serious.

We're not breaking up.

Good to see you. Story of my life. You too. See you, Jerry.

Sorry I'm late.

I thought I was gonna be late. My mom had a gallbladder attack.

So, you, uh, you want to discuss?

No big deal. I just, well, I'll get it out of the way. Then we can eat and

enjoy the meal.

Excuse me, coffee, please.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Now... Our original contract was for three years. It's almost up.

It's up in a few months.

My game plan for you is going perfectly.

A lot of people laughed at me when I said that I only wanted one client, and

a kid, too.

It's like a clothing store that specializes in quality rather than

quantity. All the other managers around town, even my own family, predicted that

you would dump me if you made it big on my efforts.

I said, you...

Do not know Jerry Falk. Jerry Falk and I have a special relationship.

It goes way beyond the contract.

I mean, we are very close.

I was at his wedding. I bought him a toaster. We're this close.

I mean, I've done things for him that you couldn't even write into a contract.

What's this?

That's... That's... That's our new agreement.

I mean, you don't have to read it now, because you could take it home and look

at it. It's not that complicated. It's actually the same thing, except it's for

seven years instead of three. I figured, why should you be burdened with signing

a contract every three years? Especially since we know we're going to be together

for a long, long time.

You can't sign that piece of paper. Fuck, what are you, a creature? I can't

not sign it, Dobell. The guy's whole life is invested in me. Well, the guy's

an idiot.

I mean, he's in the wrong business.

You know, this guy should be pushing a rack on 7th Avenue.

He put in the tough work when no one else cared, okay? He's not a bad guy.

He's just... I can't figure you out. You've been with a shrink for years, and

yet you're too guilty to say goodbye to this inept little homunculus that poses

as your manager. Incidentally, my shrink says I have to get rid of the... What?

Yeah, yeah. He says it's an acting out.

What kind of charlatan are you dealing with here? He wants you unarmed in this

world? He's not a charlatan, DeBell. They're all charlatans, Falk. My God.

You know, since the beginning of time, people have been...

you know, frightened and unhappy, and they're scared of death, and they're

scared of getting old, and there's always been priests around and shamans

and now shrinks to tell them, look, I know you're frightened, but I can help

you. Of course, it is gonna cost you a few bucks, but they can't help you,

Frock, because life is what it is.

Oh, hey, what'd you think of Amanda?

I mean, I know you only met her for, like, 15 minutes under pretty chaotic

circumstances, but she's got a great quality, doesn't she?

She's cheating on you, you know.

What are you talking about?

She's cheating on you.

How do you know?

Because I know. How do you know? Did you see her with someone?

No. Well, did someone say something to you? No.

Then why would you say she's cheating on me? You met her for a few minutes.

Because I can tell by her eyes. Her eyes?

Her eyes?

Yes, her eyes. Bill, you have a certain brilliance. You do, and you're a

sweet guy and a wonderful writer of humor, but you are a deeply, deeply

deranged human being.

Falk, I'm telling you, she's cheating on you, and you're too typhlotic to see it.

Typhlosis, Falk.

Is she cheating on me?

Dobell has now poisoned the well.

But how the hell would he know?

What is he, some kind of visionary?

Not at all. He's a simple garden-variety paranoid.

Jews start all the wars, a gun in every room of his apartment.

Amanda's cheating on me just because he sees it in her eyes? Bull.

And yet... Jerry, this is Connie.

Connie. Hi. Nice to meet you. Connie is a brilliant actress.

Oh, yeah?

Amanda's the actress.

Have you seen her?

She's brilliant.

So Amanda tells me you're a writer.

What are you working on?

Huh? Oh, uh, a novel.

About what?

Uh, the absolute terror of confronting one's death.

I just finished Notes from Underground.

Isn't Dostoevsky the most amazing, poignant, talented writer? Who cares

about Dostoevsky if Amanda's sleeping with that guy?

She always talks about Ray Polito. Such a hot shot new actor.

Animal instincts.

This generation's Brando.

They certainly make eye contact.

She's so sexy.

Look at her body language. Have you? All verbs.

Have I?

Red House of the Dead.

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes, yes, I have. I found it surprisingly neoteric.

Modern.

Very modern.

Oh, yes, very modern. Would you excuse me just a second? Yeah, sure. Thank you.

Oh, Jerry, hi.

You remember Ray Polito? Ray. Yeah. Hey, nice to see you. I remember you. How you

doing? Good, good. You? You know, I was just telling Ray about how you have a

real interest in old theater posters.

And he says he's got a great source.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, my buddy, Jay Benz, he's got some really rare ones. He'd be happy

to show them to you any time you want. Oh, thanks. Yeah, yeah, maybe sometime.

Sure. We can rent a car and drive out tonight. Yeah, tonight. Connie.

Connie, you should come too. You should bring Doug.

Yeah. Who's Doug? Go where? Oh, my buddy lives out in Montauk. We were all just

going to go there tonight.

Yeah, at this hour, there will be no traffic.

Montauk? It's midnight.

Oh, come on.

Montauk at midnight? I mean, what could be more romantic? You know, I can't.

Yeah, I can't either. It's just too late.

I have to get up early. Amanda, you know I work best in the morning hours. Yeah,

but we'll walk on the beach, maybe take a swim.

Ray will play his guitar.

I play guitar?

Yeah.

I'd rather eat rat poison than watch this guy play guitar on the beach at 3

in the morning.

You're so quiet.

So are you. What's wrong? What's bothering you?

Nothing. Nothing?

Don't say nothing. Obviously you're upset.

Are you crushed because we didn't drive the hundred miles to look at theater

posters and hear this guy play his guitar?

Shh! My mother's trying to sleep. You know, that road company James Dean was

looking at you like you were a freshly baked cannoli.

Are you in love with Connie?

Connie?

Don't pretend that you can't remember her name. I never would have even

thought to look at Connie if you hadn't thrown us together.

Well, I thought you'd like her.

Is she smart, beautiful, very literate?

Oh, a literate actress. What is that supposed to be, like a four-leaf clover?

I'm sorry. Most men find her seductive. You know, if you wanted to go to Montauk

with Ray Polito, you should have just gone, okay? You didn't need to try and

fix me up with someone.

Oh, please.

I thought you'd like looking at his old friend's theater posters. You know, I

have no interest in Connie.

None, nada.

Well, I told you you could sleep with other women. Just don't throw it in my

face. I'm not sleeping with her. Why? Why? Do you want to sleep with Ray?

Jesus Christ.

Will you two keep it down?

I can't sleep.

You got any pills?

I'm sorry, Mother. I can't have these late-night discussions.

I need a sleeping pill.

Jerry.

Jerry, come over here. I want to show you something.

Now it's 2 a.m. Come here, Jerry.

Okay.

This goddamn ballad's driving me crazy.

Why don't you just tell me what you think?

Don't cry There'll be another

spring I know our hearts will

dance again And sing again

So wait for me till then

Be glad the bird

is on the wing Another chance

to love and laugh with me

Just wait and see

We'll surely be together For the sky

is bluer overhead

If you will just believe

in me There'll be

another spring

if life is meaningless why choose to live dobell says we don't choose our

blood chooses for us what does it all add up to if i die freud says sex

and work dobell says work gives the illusion of meaning and sex gives the

illusion of continuity

He's gonna practice now.

Me, me, my, my, mo. Hey, Paula.

Paula, hey.

I'm just trying to clarify some ideas for my novel over there. I need to talk

to you. I have some ideas for dialogue leading into the Judy Garland medley. Do

you think we could talk about it on Landry's? Because I really want to get

some work done. I am so nervous. I don't know why. I'm so scared of the idea of

performing in front of a live audience.

Where does Amanda keep her volume?

I'll get you a volume. I just need a little bit of quiet. Just for the

morning, okay, Paula?

I went into the bathroom to get her mother a Valium, and because Dobell made

me so damn suspicious, I couldn't resist the impulse to open up her plastic

diaphragm case and see if it was there, and it wasn't.

Why does she need her diaphragm? What for?

And what's wrong with me?

Why should the thought of Amanda sleeping with someone else be both

excruciating and exciting?

You know, I feel like committing suicide, but I've got so many problems.

That wouldn't solve them all.

What should I do?

What do I do? What would you do?

Huh?

What do I do?

I don't know. If it was me, Falk, I would follow her.

Why do you put these paranoid thoughts in my head? Why doesn't she wear a

diaphragm? Why isn't she on the pill?

It's hormonal. The pill makes her crazy.

The pill makes her crazy? Falk, she is crazy.

You know, the Pentagon should use her hormones for chemical warfare.

I just, I don't get it. Where is it? Where is her diaphragm? Well, you know,

I can imagine.

I've never followed anyone.

It's not rocket science, Falk. You know, the trick is just, you know, not to be

seen. Where is she now?

Acting class.

You think?

Oh, Christ, don't say that. Yes, of course she's at...

acting class. She wouldn't miss that. It's too crucial. And that's where she

sees her acting partner, Ray Polito.

I don't know. I'm not good at following it. Why don't you come with me? I can't.

I promised students in my class I'm going to take them to the Caravaggio

exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum.

You know, I try and give them a little culture now and then so they don't beat

each other to death with bicycle chains all the time. I'm too nervous to follow

her.

There's nothing to it, you know.

You know, she's... You're worried about what you're going to find, that's all.

You know, you're a writer. You have a gift. You should have a girlfriend

who's, you know, helps you and is encouraging.

Not some mercurial little jitterbug who will have you holding up filling

stations to keep her in mood elevators. I shouldn't have looked. I should not

have looked. What you don't know will not hurt you. We'll kill you. We'll kill

you. What you don't know won't hurt you. It'll kill you. Like if they tell you,

you know, you're going to showers, but they turn out not to be showers.

Ray Pulido.

I knew it.

Each word your...

Hey, where were you?

We have theater tickets tonight.

Paula, could you excuse us, please? I have to talk to Amanda.

Oh, my God, Jerry.

What, has the president been shot?

Oh, that's fine with me. I got a date tonight.

What? You have a date tonight?

Who are you going out with?

I must confess, it's with this guy who picked me up.

Where? At my AA meeting.

Oh, great, an alcoholic.

Oh, he's not an alcoholic.

He's the alcoholic's friend, the enabler. Oh, that's even better. What

does this guy do?

He's a horse whisperer.

What? What are you talking about?

What are you looking for, your keys? Yes.

Well, they're over here.

He's 26 years old.

Oh, fabulous.

So you're going out with a 26-year-old horse whisperer. Amanda, could I have a

minute of your time, please? Hold on.

Would you really care if I got a tattoo?

Yes, I would.

Okay, we'll talk about it later.

No, Mom.

No, no, we'll just... Mom, don't.

Mom, your keys.

Your keys.

Thanks.

Jesus, you're so crazy.

Where were you today?

Acting class. No, I mean after.

I was at a girlfriend's apartment. We were rehearsing a scene.

No. No, no, uh, no you weren't, because I happen to know that you were in the

school building with your teacher.

What? Yeah, that's right, I saw you.

How? Well, I was spying on you.

You were spying? Yeah, that's right. I saw the three of you.

The three of you? Yeah, you, your acting teacher, and your diaphragm.

My diaphragm? Your diaphragm, yeah, because it's not here.

So where could it be?

There's no such thing as a diaphragm repair shop.

Jerry. I was there, Amanda.

I saw it all.

Okay. Okay, I slept with Ron Keller.

But I didn't do it because I care about him. No?

What then? To punish him?

No, I... I did it because I had to find out if there was something wrong with

me. You know, because I can't sleep with you, the person that I love.

I had to know if I was some kind of freak or frigid.

I had to know if I could even get aroused anymore and have an orgasm. And

can you?

Yeah, it's good news. I can.

Okay, all right. I want out of this relationship.

Jerry, Jerry, don't say that. Don't say that. You know I need you.

Need me? How could you need me when all of these positive feelings happen with

everybody but me?

Not everybody.

Not everybody. Just Ron Keller.

Oh. He reminds me of my father.

I remind you of your father.

You remind me of the good parts. He just reminds me of the bad. I figured I

should try everything.

You know, to try to figure out what this problem is. How did I get to be the good

father? What am I, Kris Kringle?

It is a maddening problem.

We had to try every kind of foreplay. Okay, where's the rifle? I need the

rifle. I'm going to blow my brains out. Oh, don't be so middle class.

I did it as much for you as for me.

Oh, thank you for me. Thank you so much, Amanda, for thinking of me. I really

appreciate that.

Well, it worked.

It worked, and now I know that I can get excited.

Very excited.

Passionate. I can have orgasms, like the ones I used to have when we first

started going out. You know, multiple ones where I claw the walls.

I'm so happy to hear this, Amanda. Really, this is just, this is music to

my ears. You know, I don't need the rifle. I think I'll just hemorrhage here

on the carpet. Is that okay? Is that all right?

Jerry, don't be mad.

Don't be mad.

And don't be mad at Ron. He was just trying to help. Of course he was. Ron,

how can I be upset at Ron? In fact, remind me, please, to put him on my

Christmas list if I could figure out how to make a letter bomb.

Jerry.

Jerry, please.

Please.

You know, I love you so much.

I need you. I can't live without you.

Jerry.

That's bullshit, Falk. I just don't buy any of it. She did it therapeutically.

That's the kind of therapy that they advertise on the back page of the

Village Voice. She just wanted to make sure that she could still become

aroused, that's all. Well, I'm glad to hear that the little sweetheart can

still, you know... You know, it's not in vino veritas, it's in eros veritas.

I don't know what to do, Dobell. I'm totally confused.

You said it yourself. You're afraid to sleep alone. That's the whole story. You

surround yourself with this farrago of babysitters, you know, this loving

disabled little sex kitten who's driving you crazy, the Jew manager, you know.

And let me tell you, I am of the Hebrew persuasion, but the guy that handles

you... is a member of one of the lost tribes of Israel that should have

remained lost.

You know, and you've got this shrink who, like God, never speaks, and like

God, is dead.

You know, of course, it's nothing wrong with being afraid.

You know, we were meant to be afraid.

That's why you've got to build a survival kit.

Incidentally, Falk, you have a little time now. I want to chat with you.

It's just a joint, but they have great Chinese food.

We're in luck. There's a guy pulling out. There's a space.

Let me speak to you about something, Falk.

I have an acquaintance out in California who produces, and he's doing some

comedy shows on television, and I know they're looking for teams of writers,

and if I told him that you and I... we're a team i think we could get hired

in california in california yeah because all all the action is out there it's not

here it's out there i i don't know how amanda would feel about that though her

mother has always wanted to go to hollywood can i explain something here

i'm talking about a clean break me with the board of education and you with

Everybody. You with that fish peddler garment center manager you have, and

with your shrink, and with that little girl who gives you a hard time all the

time. I can't just leave everybody. Go by myself?

You would not be by yourself. You'd be with me.

We'd be going together, so you can't fall back on being alone.

I've given a lot of thought, Falk, and I know for me, it's now or never.

Think about it.

Just think about it.

Hey, I was waiting for this space for five minutes.

I've been sitting I've been standing here for five minutes waiting.

You got a problem with me parking here, buddy?

You were waiting?

Too bad. Slow your blow. I'm a busy man. I have things to do. But I've been

standing. I was waiting. What are you, high on crack to be arguing with him? He

didn't even eat breakfast yet. I've been waiting here for five minutes. Hey,

listen. You want to meet God?

Do you? Now get out of here.

Go home, old man. Do what the man says. Go home, old man. I'm not. Get out of

here before I kick your right ass. Get out of here. Get in your car and go

home. Go. And you turn around.

Idiots.

My God, Dobell.

You know, either one of those guys could have beat you to a pulp. Is it so

important that you insist?

You know, life's unfair. You said it yourself.

Those guys have the muscles, and you and I are blessed with wit. Later on, in the

quiet and safety of some little delicatessen, you and I can write a

biting satire and expose all their foibles and have a great big laugh, you

know, about them, two jerks like that. But in the meantime, they've, you know,

they've got the biceps.

Where are you going?

Why are you parking the car?

Bill, what are you doing?

Hey.

Dobelle, why are we back here?

What is that for?

Dobelle? Oh, my God.

Dobelle.

Dobelle.

Dobelle, let's go.

My God.

You're sick in the head, you know that?

Crazy.

Start the car.

I

had

mixed feelings over the day.

On the one hand, I was convinced that Dobell was a raving, psychotic lunatic.

On the other hand, I... i had a kind of odd admiration for him because i i just

would have slinked away bully you know but but he he wouldn't let the injustice

rest he resisted there are always some people who will resist and as he says

the issue is always fascism

He's nuts.

And yet the thought of giving up everything here and starting fresh in

California, it's so tempting and exhilarating.

Why do I get so scared?

I'm not a leaver. The one time Amanda and I broke up, she left me.

It all happened too fast.

I was overwhelmed by you. It was a whirlwind, and right away we were living

together.

I think we would both benefit from some time apart.

But I don't need time apart. I know I love you. Well, I do.

I can't think.

I get these migraines, and sometimes my throat closes up, and I can't breathe.

I feel trapped and suffocated. Well, maybe if we slept with the window open.

I'll move in with my friend April. Okay, what if you return to a shrink?

I told you, shrinks don't work for me. I know how to fool them. Okay.

All right. I mean, just all that talk about how we were made for each other

and marriage.

She moved out.

I was miserable.

Eating moogoo guy pan out of cardboard boxes every night. Having dreams of

death.

I tried dating, but it was so hard getting her out of my mind.

Why don't you come down to the ladies' room?

The door locks.

We can be alone.

The wine has put me, um, very much in the mood.

Okay, I'll count to 30 and meet you in the ladies' room.

Meet me where?

Oh, I'm sorry.

My mind was somewhere else.

And then, a few weeks later, just as suddenly as she moved out, Amanda

returned. I'm back.

But if you don't want me, I understand.

You're back?

I couldn't be without you.

I tried, but I just couldn't.

You know, you didn't move in with your girlfriend April like you said you did.

I found out you went to Naples with Tony Hankin.

Well, you can understand.

He wanted me to go with him to Naples and Rome.

It sounded so romantic.

Those are all places that I've dreamed of, and I thought it's what I wanted.

But I missed you too much.

But of course you made love with him.

Yes, but I thought of you.

You were really the person I was making love to in Naples and in Florence, in

Venice, on the airplane, 40,000 feet in the air. Okay, enough.

Oh, yeah, and at the Vatican?

All... All I could think about while we were doing it was how much you would

love that ceiling.

So I'm back.

I'm home because I can't live without you.

We made love that night.

It was wonderful.

If only certain moments in life could last.

Just stay frozen like some old vase.

You guys keep it down, please. You're going to wake Amanda.

You're going to wake Amanda.

Oh, Jerry, Jerry, you never met Ralph.

Ralph, can you just keep it down, please?

Jerry, Jerry, we saw Elaine Stritch on Broadway tonight. She was magnificent.

Unbelievable. God, I wish I could do that. You can.

I can. I mean, I can do that. I mean, I got a voice, and I just need some snappy

dialogue from you, Jerry.

Absolutely. That's it. I'm sorry. I'm working. No, I'm just going to cherish.

Oh, Ralph.

Ralph, don't give me much. I've never had cocaine before, so I don't want a

lot. Cocaine, just a little bit. Is that coke? What are you doing with that? Is

that? It's a blow.

No, a blow. What are you doing with a blow, and why on my computer here?

Can you give me your phone?

Come on, you can partake. No, I'm not gonna partake. This is ridiculous,

Paula. What is going on, darling? I said they would wake you. I said I'd...

Mother, you know how difficult... it is for me to sleep. I'm sorry. I had to

take two sleeping pills tonight. We just saw Elaine Stritch on Broadway. She was

great. Do you want some cocaine?

Cocaine? No, no, we don't want any cocaine, Amanda.

What is, no, we don't want cocaine.

Well, I've never tried it. Well, I've never tried lots of things.

Bungee jumping, alligator arrest. Well, I wouldn't mind a little. You don't even

know what you're doing. No, no, no fears there, Jerry. Ralph knows exactly what

he's doing. I'm sure. Nothing to worry about here. That's great. Thanks, Ralph.

No, I'm sorry. I don't want to be a part of this, Amanda. I'm not going to be a

part of this.

Thanks, Paula. Thank you very much. You know, she has a point.

You're never up for anything.

You know, I'm up for things that you're not up for, okay?

Oh, what is that supposed to mean? Nothing.

I'm not going to snort cocaine, okay?

Call me whatever. I'm a nice, square Jewish boy, okay? But I'm not putting

anything up my nose. Oh, my God, Paula. Are you kidding me? I do it right?

This will make you feel sexy, Jerry.

Does it?

Does it make you feel sexy?

Sexy? Yeah, some... This could be interesting. I bet. Some people it makes

feel sexy, and others it makes feel belligerent. And with my luck, you'll

take a knife to me or something. Come on, let's just do a line. No, I'm not...

You know what this does to your nasal membranes? I've heard it eats them raw.

Jerry, Jerry, just do something with me, okay? No, I'm not going to do something

with you. Maybe you'll turn me on. No, I'm... Darling, have a drink. I can't...

I mean, I have to talk to Bell Bell.

Oh, come on. It's just a social thing. It's not like we're drug addicts or

anything. They snorted cocaine.

Can you believe that?

My mother used to feed me Cheerios with raisins, and she's giving her daughter

Coke. Oh, and by the way, it did not solve our problem in bed.

I was not making eyes at my mother's boyfriend.

God, you're so paranoid.

Why would I be interested in a horse whisperer?

lives in Topanga Canyon and has one of those giant SUVs, stupid German

shepherds and chainsaws.

How do you know so much about him?

Well, he was interesting to talk to.

What are you telling me, Falk, that you're on the defensive because you

wouldn't snort cocaine?

It's not the cocaine.

It's the principle.

What principle?

You know, she's not entirely wrong. I mean, you know, I am.

I am too rigid and disciplined.

What is this?

You don't want to know.

What? Is it a monologue for some alleged comedian who thinks that to be

offensive is in itself enough to be funny? I wish it was some special

material. I certainly can't write at home anymore.

What is it?

It's my contract extension with Harvey.

Unsigned, of course.

You don't understand, okay? If I don't re-up with him, in this case, he will

truly die. He'll commit suicide.

I understand. No, I understand.

I understand completely.

What are you doing?

Jobelle, what the hell are you doing?

What is wrong with you? Where are you meeting? What are you doing?

I'm at Isabella's. What the hell did you do? Well, go in and tell him it's over.

Tell him that you and I are going to California together and we're going to

write as a team.

What? Are you insane? Why did you tear this up?

Because you're not going to spend five more minutes with this guy, much less

seven years with this fumbling vant who robs you blind with a sliding scale. I

can't tell him it's over, though, Bill. Well, I'll go with you. I'll sit in the

place while you tell him. I'll give you moral support.

And don't beat around the bush. Once you tergiversate, you're lost.

I'm sorry I'm late.

My mom has this hyperactive thyroid.

I... Oh, I... Sorry.

I ran into Dick Mallory.

He's working with a comic who needs material.

I, you know, I naturally told him your price.

I said, you know, I told him what you get and everything.

You know, the kid works dirty.

A lot of bathroom jokes. I said, look...

Jerry Falk is a professional.

I mean, if what you need is bathroom jokes, he can do them.

Harvey?

What's the matter with your voice?

We should talk.

Well, yeah, that's the way I am. I always like to settle business before

the meal. This way, you can relax and enjoy lunch.

Listen, I... You brought the contract, right?

Harvey.

There's no question that you were there for me from the start.

And if you think it's easy selling an 18-year-old unknown, it's a jungle out

there. And you've done a very professional job, and I've paid you.

I mean, the sliding scale, you know, even though it slid toward you.

Now I see myself moving in a whole new direction.

Meaning? Meaning...

Basically, I'm interested in more serious things. A novel, maybe some

plays, maybe not even comedy.

The dollars are in the jokes.

Funny is money. I mean, as a hobby, later, when you're rich,

someday, if you want to try a book, fine. But although, the young kids are

not readers.

Harvey.

What? You're all flushed.

I'm not going to resign with you.

What? Now, I know this may be a little disappointing to you, but I'm moving to

California and re-evaluating my priorities.

You're what?

I'm not going to need a manager.

You're not re-signing with me? It's not the end of the world.

You're dumping me? No, not dumping.

I'm moving. I'm changing my goals. Don't take it back. No!

No!

My life, my life is over.

You're not re-signing with me? Harvey, calm down. Can we calm down?

But my future, my plans, the humiliation.

You're dumping me. You're overreacting. Can we just... You!

You ungrateful, phony, two-timing, you louse!

Folks, this is not what you think. Everything is... I've invested all my

dreams in you. I'm leaving town.

What have I done wrong?

How have I failed you? You've been great. Can we discuss this elsewhere?

This is the loyalty I get for years of struggle. Harvey, not everybody signs

every contract for life. The room is turning black!

Turning black!

The bell! The bell!

This... He's firing me. This is the payoff I get. He's taking it down. I'm

out. He's taking it down. I'm out.

God, this pain's in my chest. Can we get some brandy for him or something? Please

reconsider. Okay. Please reconsider.

We'll go home and think about it. Tell him to reconsider. We'll go home and

think about it, Harvey.

We'll go home and think about it. Listen to me. Listen to me. He's not

reconsidering. He's moving on. Get on with your life.

There seems to be a pulse beat here. What have I done? I think we should get

an ambulance. What have I done? What have I done? Oh, my God. Relax. Oh, my

God. They pound on the chest. I've killed him.

I've killed him. I should never have listened to you. I've killed him.

Sometimes the victim comes back. Oh, my God. You don't need a manager. Don't

need a manager.

Well, maybe not, but I don't need him to die.

Relax. If he dies because you don't sign a contract with him, then, you know, you

should have nothing to do with him. Harvey.

Harvey did not die.

As Dobell predicted, he survived.

I walked around in the city trying to get my thoughts in order.

Whenever I'm unsure or troubled, I always take to the city streets.

Walking in New York clears my head.

I couldn't deny it. There was a feeling of freedom, of exhilaration.

Hey!

Hi!

Hi. Hey, Jerry.

You remember Connie. Connie, hey, how are you? Nice to see you. I invited her

over for dinner. You're cooking?

Yes.

I'm making spaghetti.

Yeah.

He always makes fun of me because I only know how to make spaghetti for eight

people. I can't change the recipe, you know, proportionately.

So, you know, tonight we'll be having five extra portions.

So I have news.

I've parted ways with Harvey.

Oh.

Spaghetti for eight is terrific.

All right, let me explain what happened. There I am having a nice time, a little

drunk. I mean, I have two drinks and I'm ready to hold up a Brinks truck.

And I start to see what it is about Connie that Amanda had raved about.

She was very charming and pretty and smart, and I started to get the feeling

that she was finding me engaging.

Actually, I've never found conventionally handsome men attractive.

I much prefer faces with character.

I've fallen for some pretty odd-looking men in my life.

After dinner, we talked, and I found myself alone in the kitchen with Connie

and wanting to touch her.

Now, I say this because it was the first time since meeting Amanda I ever even

looked at another woman. And I began to feel that maybe the time had come for me

to pack up and start over in California with Dobell.

I'm terminating our sessions and moving to California with Dobell.

There's a job waiting for us. I'm going to miss New York, but...

You know, if I can accumulate enough money, I can return and work on my own

projects.

What do you think about my decision?

What do you think about it?

I told them I'm leaving. I gave my notice. And, you know, I'm not going to

starve. That's the way I feel. I got some money put away.

And the thing I'm going to miss the most is the kids. The kids are wonderful

kids, and they're bright, you know. You should see the creative ways they

smuggle weapons past the metal detector. It's amazing, you know. Now you have to

tell Amanda. I know, I know. Don't tergiversate. Did I tergiversate with

Harvey? Huh? Did I? No.

I don't even know what the hell tergiversate means. So how could I

tergiversate?

She'll die.

Amanda?

Amanda, hey, I want to talk with you.

Hi. Hi. Do you have a minute? I want to talk to you about something.

I need to talk to you, too. All right, well, I think I should go first, because

it's pretty serious. Me, too.

Can we sit down?

Yeah, yeah, I think we should sit.

I've decided to move to Los Angeles. I'm moving out.

What? I want to be totally honest with you, Jerry.

I've met someone, and I've developed very strong feelings for him.

You met someone?

Yes.

Have you been having an affair?

No. No, and I don't want to. I can't do all that lying and sneaking around.

Where did you meet him?

In passing.

Well, you...

But you must have spent some time with him, if you have feelings for him. Well,

we've had a few drinks, but nothing heavy, just a few chats.

So you have been seeing someone?

I've had a couple of casual conversations.

Have you slept with him?

My God, Jerry, what do you think I am? Have you?

Once, and very quickly.

I had to see if we were sexually compatible.

I refused to let myself have an affair.

That's why I'm being so honest with you now. I want it to be straightforward.

What? I'm at a loss for words. I don't know what to say. I'm completely taken

aback, Amanda.

I'll be moving out.

Everything will be clean and honest.

But Mom will be staying here just until Phil and I get settled. Phil?

It'll only be about a month. We're waiting for Phil's divorce to come

through. Divorce? No.

No, your mother's not staying. I said, Amanda, I'm moving to California.

I'm not going to be here. That's so great.

That's wonderful, Jerry. Did you get a job out there?

Yes, yes.

Dobell and I on a TV show.

That's wonderful.

You know, you'll really knock them dead out there.

Idiots who are total losers in New York go to L.A. and become millionaires.

God, this is so much better this way.

You know, it was unfair, the way that we were living.

You having to put up with my stupid inability to function sexually, and then

me just hating myself all the time.

This is sad, but it's for the best.

You know what would be kind of romantic?

If we were to make love just one last time.

You know, for old time's sake.

I thought you couldn't.

Well, everything's different now. The psychodynamic has changed.

Who knows?

Maybe we'll end up having an affair together.

I did it! I did it! I cut all the ties. I feel free and exhilarated, but like

I'm falling through space, I...

I feel confident, you know, and I'm very positive, but also like I'm buried

alive. I don't know. I'm sure once we get to L.A. and just start working.

Speaking of which, I just bought some luggage.

What?

What's wrong? You sound all weird.

Where? Now?

All right, I don't think I know where that spot in the park is. Where is it?

All right, I'll find it.

Hey, you're late.

Could you have picked a more secluded spot?

Did anybody follow you?

No, no one followed me. Hey, wait till I tell you about Amanda's reaction on us

going to L.A. Falk, I have to explain something to you.

Due to circumstances, I think I should really get away to a less conspicuous

venue. You know, maybe like, you know, Alaska or something.

What are you talking about?

You're going to have to go by yourself. I'm not going.

What?

You have the job. It's there waiting for you. It's all done.

No.

No, no, no, no, no. That's not the deal. You can handle it. No, we go as a team,

Dobell. You've grown up. You can handle it by yourself.

I don't understand. What happened? I don't understand.

You don't want to know. Believe me. No, you can't cop out and not give me an

explanation here.

I've changed my whole life around, Dobell. What are you talking about?

Just some nonsense, Falk. You know...

the other night i was out of state you know don't ask me where because the less

you know the better i was trying to sell my my car into a potential buyer as

preamble to our trip to california and then i was i was coming home speeding a

little bit you know because what's the fun of having a car like that if you

can't you know get a little velocity going and i was stopped by two state

troopers and and you know they were exceptionally nasty and and one thing

led to another they made some remarks and were a little physical and i made

some remarks and you know and they got a little rough and the next thing i know

they they made some uh crack about my religion which i found in poor taste

listen you're an atheist

Yes, I'm an atheist, but I resented the fact, however obliquely, that they

implied that Auschwitz was basically just a theme park.

And so, anyhow, a little bloodied, I returned to my apartment and got one of

my many weapons.

And I returned to find them.

Don't you dare tell me you shot them.

I couldn't find both of them. I could only find one. As fate turned out, I did

locate the more poor sign of the two.

How serious?

You know, in a satirical mood, I thought it would be amusing if I shot him in the

ass. But it was dark, and I was nervous, and, you know, time has diminished my

accuracy.

Don't, Bill.

Don't, Bill.

My god, I Always knew I I was gonna use the survival kit one day. Anyhow,

you know, it's just for a period of time till everything blows over I I suppose

oh God ah dough Bell

Joe Bell

I never knew if Dobell's story was true or just a piece of fiction he used to

get me to go alone.

I don't know. I never saw or heard from him again.

For all I know, he's fishing through the ice somewhere in the Yukon.

I thought a lot about that strange, sad, improbable character and remembered very

fondly our afternoons in Central Park.

As you go through life, there'll be no shortage of people who'll tell you how

to live. They'll have all the answers for you, what you should do, what you

shouldn't do.

Don't argue with them. You know, say, yes, that's a brilliant, brilliant idea,

but then do what you want.

And whenever you're right, strive for originality. But if you have to steal,

steal from the best.

Oh, and if you take very good care of your styptic pencil and dry it after

every shave, it'll last longer than most relationships you're in.

The seminal joke about Dobell is the old one-liner, that even a clock that's

broken and doesn't run is right twice a day.

Dobell had a real sense of irony, and he would have appreciated the fact that I

got one last, to use his word, adventitious glimpse of Amanda as I was

leaving the city for JFK.

The doctor.

I knew that doctor was hot for her.

What'd you say?

Oh, um, I was just saying how strange life is, how full of inexplicable

mystery. Well, you know, it's like anything else.

You'd be so easy to love.

So easy to idolize all others above.

So worth the yearning for.

So swell to keep every home far burning for.

We'd be so grand at the game.

So carefree together.

Cause you'd be oh, so easy to love.