Original subtitles

[♪ acoustic guitar playing]

[tab clicks]

[♪ "Yahoos and Triangles" by The Refreshments playing]

♪♪

[♪ theme song concludes]

-[Bill slurping] -Yup.

-Yep. -Yep.

[Luke Jr. sneezing]

Here are Luke Jr.'s clothes for the week.

And this is his emergency bag.

It has his EpiPen, hand sanitizer,

sunscreen, dye-free fragrance-free detergent...

-[all groaning] -Uh-uh.

Too bad the other kids can still smell the fear on him.

I hope this week will help you two, you know, connect.

Before this gets more serious.

[♪ dramatic guitar music plays]

Mwah! Bye, baby.

[electric car humming]

So, you got Luke Jr. for a week, huh?

Well, I bet you fellas can't wait to get into all sorts of tomfoolery.

Wanda's got a dang ol' "No-No" list, man.

No fast, no sharp, no pointy, no scary.

No fun, man. Like a dang ol' bu-- bubble boy, man.

So, you're pretty much gonna be standing around

doing nothing all week? Lame!

[slurping]

-Yup. -Yep.

Yup.

[♪ upbeat music playing]

Hmm. Peggy, are we outta eggs?

We shouldn't be. I lent four to Dale just yesterday.

Well, I gave him four yesterday, too.

Don't forget the four I took this morning without asking.

How'd you even get in?

Through the Dale door.

Why are you takin' all our eggs?

I need them for my protein shake.

Nancy likes me shredded.

You're perfectly capable of driving to Mega Lo Fresh

and buying your own.

Have you seen the price of eggs?!

It's either the mortgage or an omelet!

A man shouldn't have to choose.

[sighs] Just get us some more eggs.

You got it.

You guys should think about using this door for Cesar.

[doorbell ringing]

Got those eggs, Dale?

I did you one better.

-[hen clucking] -I bought us ten egg-laying hens!

We'll never have to buy eggs again.

I didn't ask for chickens!

-But you're always running out of eggs. -Because of you!

Besides, you don't know anything about raising chickens.

It's easy.

-Food goes in here... -[hen squawks]

-...and eggs come out here. -[squawking]

Hold up!

There's only one hole?

Why do chickens only have one hole?!

That is their cloaca.

Why are we asking? Ah!

-[chickens cackling] -Dale has a crazy idea

that we can raise chickens.

Could you please explain to him how hard that is?

Well, for me, not that hard.

I grew up on a ranch, so I am well-experienced

with keeping all kinds of animals alive.

Dale, on the other hand, only knows how to kill them.

A glowing customer review.

First, you need a coop big enough for nesting boxes,

litter, and a roost.

You hear that, Dale?

We'd have to build a coop from scratch.

That would take a trip to the lumber yard.

We'd have to size it, saw it, stain it...

And that is just the frame.

We would need a ton of chicken wire to cover it.

I'll need new tin snips for that.

I may even have to comparison shop.

-[drill whirring] -[♪ upbeat music playing]

Why's it taking so long to build our coop, Hank?

I've got a hankerin' for a frittata.

[♪ upbeat country music playing]

That looks heavy. Let me carry it for you.

Goodness, woman!

What are you majoring in? Bricks?

[chuckles] With finals coming up,

I have to be ready to study whenever I can.

Look at me. I'm a UT-Dallas student.

Do I look like a frat guy who's about to hang out on the quad?

[chuckles] Oh!

Work study jobs just got posted!

I need a new one for this semester.

Here's one for a lab assistant.

You're always talking about labs!

Yeah, but that professor's known for his long hugs,

if you know what I mean.

This one's interesting.

You only work four hours a week!

Temoc the Comet?

Basketball team mascot is a dream job!

Totally! It'd be the easiest job ever.

I'd have so much extra time to study.

I know it says four hours, but that's just game time.

As a former mascot, trust me.

There's a lot more work that goes into it.

Bobby, this is a D2 school full of engineers.

No one cares about sports.

They don't now,

but when they get a fun mascot that inspires them,

it will be different.

If only you knew a former mascot willing to tutor you

and get paid in sloppy kisses.

-[smooching] -Tutor? Bobby, come on.

It's not like it's rocket science, which is a class I actually took

and didn't need a tutor for.

-If you say so. -I'll be fine, Bobby.

[♪ whimsical music plays]

[louder] I said I'll be fine-- ohh!

Feel free to use that in your act.

[♪ lively country music playing]

Back from miniature golf already?

Well, that was fast.

Though I suppose the course is miniature.

Dang ol' bee on the first hole, man. Luke talkin' 'bout, "Oh! Oh! Oh!"

Then I'm like, "Hold up, calm down."

Dang ol' bee ended up stingin' me, man.

Oh, sorry. Well, what's up next?

Dang ol' outta ideas, man. I was hopin' you'd help me.

Well, I feel for you, Boomhauer, but I haven't had to know

how to entertain a 12-year-old since Bobby was 16.

-[chickens softly clucking] -Oh...

I tell you what, I could use a hand with this coop.

It'll be a good experience for Luke Jr.

When I was his age, I was in Future Farmers of America.

Even won back-to-back milk-a-thons.

But... [sighs] I guess learning how to properly prime a teat

isn't cool anymore.

Who's the one standin' over by herself?

[Hank Hill] Oh, I call her "nine of ten."

Although if she doesn't start layin' eggs soon,

-I'm gonna call her "four-piece meal." -[chicken sneeze-squawking]

Dang ol' bird flu, man! I'm gonna wind up dang ol' patient zero, man.

Huh, I didn't know a chicken could sneeze.

Maybe she has allergies like me.

Why don't you both try petting her?

Will she peck my face off?

Only if you're an earthworm.

[♪ suspenseful guitar music playing]

[chicken clucks]

-[chicken coos] -[♪ soft guitar music playing]

Pet-- pettin' like a dang ol' pro, man.

She likes me!

Alright!

Maybe you guys can help me give her a name.

-[chickens clucking] -Ah, man, lady name, lady name...

Destiny, Diamond, talkin' 'bout Candy...

Bertrude!

I think Bertrude's a great name, don't you, Boomhauer?

Uh, "Gentlemen, comin' to the stage is that dang ol' Bertrude."

Nah, that don't work, man.

-[tape ripping] -Okay, Bertrude it is.

Dang ol' McDonald, with a dang ol' E-I-E-I-O, man.

[♪ cheerful country music playing]

Well, normally, I'd think "breakfast for dinner" is crazy.

But when it's made with your own eggs, why not?

Dig in, Luke.

Don't you wanna try some of Bertrude's eggs?

Fresh from the source?

Would my mama let me eat somethin' from "the source"?

Boomhauer, why don't you use your own parental judgment?

[chewing] Mm.

[mouth full] Wow, that-- that's dang ol' better than Denny's, man.

Come on. Let-- Eat up, Luke.

[♪ suspenseful music plays]

[EpiPen clicking]

Wow! This is better than tofu!

That's because it's food.

So, have you been enjoying working with Boomhauer, Luke?

Yeah. I got my first splinter!

I ain't never takin' it out.

We will revisit that when it turns green.

Good news is, there's plenty more where that came from.

Just keep workin' hard. Right, Boomhauer?

Yeah, man, it's just like what Hank said.

Luke, do you think any of your friends would like to see the chickens?

I don't really have any friends. Except maybe Bertrude.

I'm sorry, I cannot relate.

But maybe this is a way to make some friends.

Boomhauer, didn't you say maybe Luke should join

his school's Future Farmers of America Club to make some friends?

No, man.

That's not a bad idea you had there, Boomhauer.

Me and Bobby bonded over animals, too.

Mainly grilling them.

Hey, maybe the coop can be Luke Jr.'s FFA project.

We can invite the FFA kids over to see it!

I will call the school and sign him up.

Before you know it, Luke, you will have some friends

that are not chickens.

-[♪ upbeat music playing] -[people applauding]

Hey, I just got a random text from Connie.

It just said to meet her here.

-[whistle blowing] -What's going on?

I don't wanna ruin the surprise.

Just watch.

[♪ marching band playing]

That is our girl.

Connie's the mascot?!

[megaphone feedback screeching]

-[students laughing] -[♪ marching band continues playing]

-[students booing] -Yikes, tell me when this is over.

Ugh. She is horrible.

Come on, Connie. Find it, girl!

-[students continue booing] -[megaphone feedback screeching]

[students shouting]

She's a comet in headlights out there.

Pregame is the mascot's time to shine.

-[players shouting] -[sneakers squeaking]

[players grunting, bodies thudding]

-[crowd wincing] -Ow!

Oof! Rookie mistake.

[clock ticking]

-[scoreboard buzzing] -[crowd] Aw!

[people groaning]

There's not an ounce of pep in this crowd.

We're down by 30 points.

And Connie could turn that around!

I'm gonna go talk to her backstage.

It's called a locker room, but okay.

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

There's my little mascot! Great stuff out there!

If I could offer some feedback--

[Connie Souphanousinphone] I suck.

Yeah, that's pretty much the 360 review.

[Connie] Ugh, I feel sick. I think I'm gonna throw up.

Don't throw up in the head! It comes out the eyes.

[♪ reflective music playing]

Hey, hey, relax. You got this.

Deep breaths. [inhaling deeply]

-[Connie hyperventilating] -Yep.

Okay, start with quick, shallow ones, get those out of the way.

Can you just go out there for me?

Maybe if I see you do it, I'll be able to next time.

♪♪

Alright, I'll do it.

But you gotta really pay attention to what I do so you can copy me.

Thank you. You're the best.

-[Bobby Hill] It's showtime! -[crowd cheering]

-[♪ upbeat dance music playing] -[crowd continues cheering]

Now, this Comet is out of this world!

[Bobby] And, urp!

-[crowd continues cheering] -[Bobby] Ooh. Uh-huh!

[♪ upbeat dance music continues playing]

[crowd whooping]

-[♪ music ends] -[cheering and applause]

Wow!

You're doing a great job out there.

-Oh, it's awesome! Look! -[chickens clucking]

Get ready, Hank.

These future farmers can sniff out posers.

Look the part. Spit or something.

Peggy, they're skipping. I think we're fine.

Hey, guys, come check out my chickens!

Chaperone clothes, talkin' 'bout that dang ol' itchy fab-- man,

like dang ol' jock itch.

Hey, where's Bertrude? She's not here!

She has to be here somewhere.

[rooster crowing]

-Where'd that rooster come from? -Wait.

It has one of our name tags on it.

Bertrude? Can't be.

-[rooster sneeze-squawking] -It is Bertrude!

Let me take a look.

Just as I thought.

Kids, you are witnessing something very rare

and very special.

Luke Jr.'s hen has turned into a rooster.

-[classmates gasping] -Whoa! What?

Wow! It can do that?

Yes. Phenotypically speaking.

I was just gonna say that.

About one in 10,000 hens take on rooster characteristics.

It's just one of the wonders of nature.

Well, that makes this a one-in-10,000 kind of coop. Pretty cool.

Talkin' 'bout like Bertrude like a dang ol' Bert now, man.

Yeah! Dang ol' cool, man!

-[♪ gentle banjo music playing] -[Bertrude crowing]

He's got quite the crow on him.

In fact, good enough to enter into the rooster-crowing competition.

Well, I tell you what, that'd be another fine thing

for you and Boomhauer to do together.

With Bertrude, in case that part wasn't clear.

Yeah, let's do it, Boomhauer.

[♪ reflective music playing]

Let's d--dang ol' do it, little man.

[♪ gentle music playing]

-[door opens] -[Joseph Gribble] Uh, wait.

-I thought Connie was the mascot. -She's still not ready.

I tried to tell her it was harder than it looks.

The characters may be less racist,

but the mascotting game ain't changed.

So, you're doing it for her?

Yeah, but just one more time to help her learn.

-But she gets paid for this? -Yeah.

No one knows it's me.

Ha! Reminds me of when I was a quarterback

and I was failing math, so the coach got a nerd

to start taking my tests for me.

That's not what's happening.

I'm just really good at mascotting,

and she's really bad, so I'm showing her.

Right. Just like I was bad at math,

and the nerd "showed" me by doing it for me.

No, Joe, you got it backwards, bro.

No, I don't!

Backwards would mean I would be the one taking the test

and the nerd would have to throw a touchdown, and it can't.

No, Joseph, look, you could have done well at math,

but you didn't wanna try.

The difference is, Connie is trying, and I'm just helping her.

Ah, I don't know.

I still think it's a pretty good "anal-oggy."

Do you mean analogy?

Oh, that's how it's pronounced?

The nerd took my English test for me too.

-[ball slamming] -[coach] Time out!

-[crowd cheering] -[whistle blowing]

-[♪ lively music playing] -[cheering and applause]

-[gun popping] -[audience cheering]

-[♪ lively music continues playing] -[audience continues cheering]

You're welcome.

[phone buzzing]

Hello?

Slow down, Boomhauer. What-- Luke Jr. got in a fight?

Well, of course, I'll go with you to talk to the principal.

No, you don't have to bring cash.

Luke Jr. started the fight with that kid?!

-Yes. -That doesn't sound like Luke at all.

He clawed and pecked my son like a chicken!

Oh. Oh, now it makes sense.

He said Bertrude can't be in the crowing contest

'cause he's not a real rooster!

-Because that's cheating! -See? This is what happens

when you teach radical gender ideology to kids!

What? I didn't teach anything.

On that field trip, you guys said

that what happened to that chicken was natural.

No, I didn't. The lady from the FFA

said it was a rare one-in-10,000 event

that happened to this hen, and I thought it was interesting.

See? There he goes teachin' again!

It starts here. Next thing you know,

we have boys competin' on the girls' track team.

No! We're talkin' about a chicken here, not humans.

A chicken pumped full of hormones!

What? No! We did not give it any hormones.

Well, regardless, Hank, we have a zero-tolerance policy

for fightin'... and peckin'.

I'm sorry, but we have to suspend Luke Jr.

Dang ol' think you might've dropped somethin', man.

Put the money away, Boomhauer.

[♪ reflective guitar music playing]

I need two sauerbraten udon for table five.

-Hey. -What are you doing here?

Isn't there a game today?

Yeah, I'm still feeling really nervous about performing.

Could you cover for me?

It was so helpful to watch you last time.

-Oh, was it? -Yeah!

What was your favorite thing I did?

When you, uh... gave two big thumbs up

when our team scored!

The Double-Thumbs-Up is Gus the Grizzly's signature move.

I would never steal another mascot's bit!

We live by a code.

-You didn't watch me! -You're right.

You're right. I'm sorry.

I was studying instead, because of finals.

Which is why I need you to cover for me again...

I have already covered for you twice.

If you'd paid attention like you were supposed to,

you'd be able to do it on your own instead of just using me.

-I'm not your nerd! -What?

Look, I have a restaurant to run.

Bobby, this is serious.

I have thermodynamics on Monday.

You have no idea how hard that final is.

Every day in a restaurant is a thermodynamics final.

-Look, thermodynamics! I just passed. -[flames whooshing]

Are you gonna help me out tonight or not?

-No. -Fine.

Then I'll do it myself and I'll fail my finals.

Are you happy?! [groaning]

I just burned this sauce. Are you happy?!

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

What's this I hear about you becoming an activist, Hank?

I am not. We were just exposing kids to animal husbandry.

-Well, I think it's nice. -[Wanda speaking on phone]

Come on, Wanda, it ain't no big deal. I got suspended once too, man.

-I turned out just fine. You know Luke-- -[Wanda shouting indistinctly]

-'Kay, that is dang ol' mean, man. -[Wanda] Terrible!

-Terrible! -Okay, man, I'll pack his bags,

-dang ol' see you tomorrow, man. -[call hangs up]

Well, I'm sorry Wanda's takin' him back home, Boomhauer.

You want me to help ya break it to him?

No, man, I got it, like-- just like up in that little parenting, man.

Poor Boomhauer and Larry Jr.

It's Luke Jr.

No point in learning his name now.

♪♪

[♪ gentle music playing]

You okay, boss?

Guess you saw me and Connie had our first fight.

Yeah, I was impressed.

You had a fight in the kitchen and nobody threw a knife.

Young love.

I've been replayin' it over and over in my head.

It sounded like she's just stressed out about these finals.

I'm sure once they're done, you guys will seek each other out.

And you'll stand outside her window with a boombox.

-What? -That's how you white people

-do it in the movies. -You know what's weird?

She's always taking tests, and she always aces them.

I mean, she's pretty much great at everything.

The only thing I ever saw her suck at was being a mascot.

And that's when she started freaking out!

Emilio, can you cover for me?

Go to her.

I've always wanted to be in a white people movie.

[♪ sad guitar music plays]

I'm gonna miss you, Bertrude.

He ain't gonna understand dang ol' words, man,

'cause dang ol' he's a chicken, you know, but okay, man.

What about hanging out with you, Boomhauer?

We were havin' fun.

You know, Boomhauer done gone and messed up, man.

Like a dang ol' "No-No" list.

Guess you can tell the FFA club I have to quit.

[♪ reflective music playing]

Time for that dang ol' parental judgment, man.

[♪ reflective music continues]

I thought you had a restaurant to run.

I did not come down here to fight.

In fact, I came to tell you that if you go out there,

you're probably gonna fail.

Sounds like you came down here to fight.

No, listen. I was upset

because I knew you were using me.

But then I realized, it was just because

you don't allow yourself to fail.

What? I've failed before.

I tried gardening and all my plants died.

And you remember my disastrous attempt at making a soufflé.

So many firemen.

But that's my point! You tried those things once

and never tried 'em again.

That's not really failing.

What if I look even more stupid out there?

That, I can help you with.

I spent my entire childhood looking stupid.

I have years of practice. You were there.

-You know. -[Connie chuckles]

I guess that's why you're not afraid to try anything now.

You don't have to be afraid either, starting now.

I'll go out there with you.

That's so nice of you, but you were right.

I've already used you enough.

Mwah!

[♪ inspiring music playing]

Just remember, use less of this, more of this,

and a whole lotta this.

[crowd applauding]

[♪ lively dance music playing]

[laughing] Yeah! I'm so proud of her!

[♪ lively dance music continues]

-[Connie yelling] -[crowd moaning]

[Connie] Look, Bobby! I'm failing, I'm failing!

So great, Connie!

But mascots don't talk!

-[♪ lively dance music continues] -[cheerleader grunts and yelps]

-[gun pops] -Hey!

-[crowd booing] -My girl!

[all booing]

[booing continues]

-[♪ gentle guitar music playing] -[chickens clucking]

Huh.

[doorbell ringing]

-[Hank] Wanda? -Hank, have you seen Boomhauer and Luke?

They're not answerin' their phones and my tracker app keeps crashing.

Yeah, that's not gonna work this close to Dale's house.

I'm sorry, but they're not here.

Not even with that stupid chicken Luke keeps talkin' about?

No, in fact, I was just back there and Bertrude is also...

I think I know where they went.

-[chickens clucking] -[dad] This is a rooster competition.

This kid's not following the rules!

Well, is that in the-- is that in the rule book?

[Bertrude squawking]

They're triggerin' Luke! Has he taken his Klonopin?

I think Boomhauer can handle it.

[judges and parents arguing]

[cowbell clanging]

[Boomhauer taking deep breath]

Yeah, everybody these days worried about protecting their kids, man.

Some of us protectin' 'em from dirt, pollen, bees,

and dang ol' shadow, man.

But some of us dang ol' seeming all crazy on the outside, man,

talkin' 'bout ideology. But end of the day,

talkin' 'bout protecting your dang ol' kid, man.

I tell you what, Luke got his hands dirty, man,

and he come out of his dang ol' shell, man,

just like a dang ol' baby chicken, man.

-What'd he say? -I don't know.

[parent] Is he okay?

I think what my friend is tryin' to say is,

"Whatever your rules are, we'll respect 'em."

There's nothin' in the rule book that says a hen-turned-rooster can't compete.

Although, to be fair, there is no rule book.

And also to be fair, if that thing's any kind of hen at all,

it's probably gonna lose.

[♪ hopeful music playing]

Go on, Bertrude. Show 'em what you got.

[♪ music stops]

[Bertrude crowing]

Well, that sounded pretty darn good to me.

[rooster crowing loudly]

Wow, not as good as that one.

[rooster crowing deeply]

Is that one on steroids?

[♪ upbeat country music playing]

[group cheering and applauding]

I guess it's okay for you to stay with Boomhauer a little longer,

as long as you don't get into any more fights.

Yes! Can I keep Bertrude,

even though havin' a pet is on the "No-No" list?

You can ignore some things on the list.

Just don't tell me about it.

-So, I'm still your Boom-Boom? -Dang ol' yeah.

You should pet him, Mama.

It's okay, he won't hurt ya.

[♪ upbeat country music continues]

[Bertrude clucking]

Hey, man, thanks. Yeah, those dang ol' little kids, man.

-[Bertrude bawking] -[Wanda gasping]

-Yep. -Mm-hmm.

[Wanda grunting, panting]

[♪ bluegrass version of "Yahoos and Triangles" playing]

-♪ Yee-haw! ♪ -♪ Wa-hoo! ♪

[♪ song ends]

[birds chirping]

-[golf club thumps] -[crowd cheering]

♪♪

[Boomhauer] Destiny, Diamond, talkin' 'bout Candy...

[♪ fanfare playing]