Original subtitles

Welcome to the Tony Post Show. I am your host, Tony Post. Don't you love life?

I love life.

I love life.

I love my job. You know why I love my job? Because I get to wake up each

morning and spend it with you. That's right.

That's right, and I mean that.

We're going to talk about real things today. We're going to talk about real

people. We're going to get down, we're going to get dirty, and that's what

makes a difference.

All right, let's start with our first guest.

Connie Phillips from Chicago, Illinois.

Hi. Now, we want to ask you, first of all, tell us a little bit how you feel

about your friend, this friend we've heard so much about.

You know, I'd walk through fire for her.

She's not just a friend, she's my best friend, you know? Your best friend,

right. And tell me, how long have you been having sex with her husband?

A little over a year now.

He doesn't love her. He loves me.

And does she know why she's going to appear on our show today?

She thinks she's here for a makeover.

Ouch. That's got to hurt.

Well, you know what? I'm sure we're all wondering here why you chose to reveal

this to her, your friend, on national television.

Because I want her to hear my point of view. I really want her to hear me, you

know? Fair enough.

Let's bring her out. Let's bring out your friend, Bertie. Come on out,

Bertie. Get Bertie big.

So tell us, how do you feel?

I'm perfectly delightful, thank you.

Okay.

Bertie, do you recognize the voice of the person sitting next to you?

Hi, Bertie.

Connie? My best friend, Connie?

Absolutely correct. Go ahead and take off your blindfold.

Don't do it!

Oh, my God!

Bertie, Connie is your best friend.

She's my best friend. And she told us that she loves you very much.

Yeah.

I love you too.

And the last thing that she wants to do is to hurt you in any way.

Connie?

Bertie?

Billy and I are having an affair.

He doesn't love you anymore.

He wants to marry me.

Connie wants you to know that your friendship is very, very important to

her, and she loves you very much, Bertie.

Have you been sleeping with him?

Well, yeah.

Actually, Connie told us that she had sex with your husband, Bill, in your

home on your living room floor.

I want to hear what Bill has to say. How about you? You want to hear from Bill?

All right.

Let's bring Bill in. Come on in, Bill. Join us, won't you?

for appearing on the Tony Poe Show.

Thank you, ma'am. Okay, go ahead and take off your blindfold, Bill.

Bill, are you having an affair with your wife's best friend?

Yes,

ma'am.

I'm sorry, we're going to be back with some more sizzle on the Tony Poe Show.

You join us back.

That's the word.

That's the word.

Bernice, did you get my suitcase in the car?

Yeah, Mama, we should be there a few days.

Well, if it's not an inconvenience.

Oh.

All right.

Me too.

Bye-bye.

Don't look back, sweetheart.

It's bad luck.

Turn around.

Put on your seatbelt.

Take the wheel.

Bernice, don't be a baby. Just take the wheel.

Come on.

Come here.

Dear Princess, I know you're confused now and I don't blame you. I want you to

know none of this is your fault.

This is between your mom and me.

Not a day will go by when I won't think about you and wish you were with me.

I love you, honey.

Be nice to your mom. All my heart, Daddy.

Baby baby, I'm aware of where you go

It's time

What's that funny smell?

Cows.

Is this where you were cream of corn?

Queen of corn, honey.

Three years running.

A feat unsurpassed in the history of Smithville.

Okay, so maybe that was a long time ago, but... Believe me, honey.

Once upon a time, your mama knew what it meant to shine.

think it over

oh

you're here you're actually here oh my

baby my babies bernice look at you you are so

Birdie, you take up drinking?

No, I have not.

You mean this is you still sober?

You look just awful.

Well, I feel awful, Mama.

Well, you look it.

Well, I feel it.

Well, you look it.

Here, let me take one of those.

Come on, honey, I got a present for you. Come on. I just can't believe you're

here. Okay.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

That's a present from your grandpa and me.

How is Daddy? Oh, he's fine. He has a little cold this week, so we can't see

him till Saturday, but he's, uh... You know, he's fine. Good.

It's a bunny purse.

You don't like stuffed animals?

That's all right. Come on, we'll get you settled first, okay? But be very quiet,

because we don't want to wake up trapped.

You remember your cousin, don't you?

He got so excited waiting for you all to arrive, he just... pooped out.

You see those?

They're scaredy cats.

You get it?

Your grandpa made a fortune off of it.

Bertie, lock the door. You want to be murdered in your bed?

Don't worry, sweetheart. If they bite you, they got rubber teeth.

Grandma killed those animals herself.

No, honey. They come here already dead.

See, this way they live forever.

Scary cats.

Yeah, scary cats.

This is a nice room, isn't it?

See that door right there?

Leaves right into mine.

Is that neat?

Okay.

That about does it.

Got a little surprise for you.

So you don't bump into doors at night.

Okay. Feet in.

Arms in or out.

There you go.

Snug as a...

Everybody's watching me

Bad dog.

Bad dog.

Bad dog.

No. No.

No.

Oh,

what a sweet dog, mommy.

You didn't tell me you had a pet.

Hey, Travis.

How are you?

All right, Travis. You're a boy again. Go sit at the table and eat breakfast.

Oh, better do what she says, Travis. Grandma stuffs bad little dogs.

Any calls?

Any messages we get will be right on that bulletin board there.

All right, y'all. Dig in here.

There. You remember Travis, don't you? He visited us in Chicago. What was it?

Two Christmases ago?

I chewed my little house on the prairie.

Where's Aunt Desiree?

Uh, Aunt Desiree's living in Hollywood now, isn't she, Travis?

She's doing a pilot.

Oh, really?

And what's he like?

That is a show for television, Smarty. Oh. Aunt Desiree's gonna be on

television?

Oh, well, I was on TV, too. A fat lot of good it did me.

Well, I am proud of both of my television daughters.

Bertie, you look so beautiful on that TV.

I mean, everybody thought so.

Who's everybody?

Well, everybody in Smithville, that's for sure.

Well, honey, if you don't want people to see you, why'd you go on television?

Because, Mama, I wanted a...

I wanted a free makeover, that's all. You got one.

Just a different kind, that's all.

So, Bernice, what are your plans?

Stop that, Travis.

My name is Aunt Bertie.

Well, stop that, Aunt Bertie.

I don't know.

Well, I think it's time you made some.

You know, you're starting a whole new life here.

Anything you wish is possible.

Is that marmalade over there?

Oh, no.

Excuse me.

Travis, I said stop it.

If anything's possible, like Grandma says, I want more friends.

What if they don't like me here?

Oh, Bernice, sweetheart.

Don't worry too much.

You're a likable girl, Bernice. You are.

You want more friends? Is that what you wish for?

Yeah. Yeah. Granted.

Hey, Daddy.

I miss you so much.

Daddy says hi.

He really misses me.

I'm sure he does, sweetheart.

I'm glad you only missed six weeks here, huh?

I'm sure the schools in Chicago are way ahead of here.

So you sure you don't want me to pick you up after school today?

I want to walk home with Travis.

Okay.

It still smells the same, like peanut butter and paste.

Can you smell it?

No. All right.

You look perfect.

You ready?

Maybe I could go in alone.

Hmm.

Showing me the independa type, huh?

Yeah.

You're gonna do great. Mm-hmm.

Go knock on bed.

Okay. Okay?

Bye, Mom.

Hey, come back here. What's the matter with you?

Bye, Mom. Bye.

Mm-hmm. Yes, that's correct, Harry. Gave me a turtle.

Okay. He drunk that water fast.

Randy. He drank that water fast.

Very good.

He drank that water fast. That's the correct answer. Very good.

Okay, Bernice. All right, class. This is Bernice Pruitt. Bernice comes to us from

Chicago.

Now, you take the desk next to Kirsten. That'll be your seat. Kirsten?

Go on, honey.

All right, class, let's open up your books to page 76, chapter 3.

Now, pay attention, because you're going to have a quiz on Monday.

She's got Popeyes.

Bernice, you just follow along with Kirsten, okay?

I didn't do anything.

Why is it always my fault?

I didn't say anything about fault.

I just asked, you know, what you do. That's all.

Nothing.

People fall in love, they fall right back out. Happens all the time.

You never even told me you were having trouble with Bill.

Maybe it's because I didn't want to hear I told you so.

Besides, how could we have trouble?

Prom queen, quarterback, pride of Smithville.

Practically left town on a float.

Well, maybe you were special, you know.

But then again, maybe you were just like the rest of us.

Except you were riding around on flowers made out of toilet paper.

You just never liked Bill.

Oh, I like all of God's creatures.

I just like some of them better stuffed. And he's one of them.

Why don't you just cut to the part where, you know, he started fooling

around?

Well, at cocktail parties, the women that Bill worked with would never...

They'd never look at me.

The eyes were always surveying the room, looking for somebody better to talk to.

I was just a beauty queen from Smithville. I was worse than ordinary. I

was a joke. That was it.

No, you were never a joke.

Oh, yeah, I was, Mama.

You can see it in his eyes. You can't mistake that.

Honey, you know, crying over it won't make it clean.

Life just goes on, and you gotta move along with it.

Wason.

How's your dinner, Kermit?

Good.

Well, we seem to be the only ones enjoying it.

Did you ever see two such motes?

That's a mote and that's a mote.

All right, Mama.

No, it isn't all right.

I mean, look at me. My life has no big meaning or direction or purpose, and I'm

happy.

Look at Kermit here.

You think it's easy being green?

Rabbit.

Oh, I saw that, Bernice. That smile means there's hope for you.

I got it!

You expecting someone?

No. I mean, it might be Justin Matisse.

I mean, he said he might drop over after his day job. He's helping me fix the

porch. Mama, I don't want to see Justin Matisse.

Why? Because your hair's not fixed?

You know, he's back from California.

So what?

And, uh, Justin, come on in.

Mama.

Hey, Justin.

Well, well, well.

If it ain't Bertie Calvert.

Uh, it's Pruitt. Bertie Pruitt.

Sorry.

It's all right.

Bertie, Bertie, Bertie.

Move on to something else, Justin.

So I heard you'd come back.

Wonder how.

Oh, this is, uh, this is my daughter, Bernice.

Bernice, Bernice, Bernice.

Funny.

You smell just delicious, Justin.

Thanks. You wearing cologne?

Oh, no, that's, uh, a little paint thinner, a little sweat mixed in with

it.

Well, it sure does smell good, doesn't it, Bertie?

Why don't you go out on the porch, and I'll have Bertie bring you some ice to

eat. Oh, that sounds great, Miss Calvert. Thank you.

Bye, y'all. Bye. Bye, Bernice, Bernice, Bernice.

Great to see you, Bertie.

Look good.

Here.

Oh, hey, Bernice.

Thank you.

I don't see a glass there for your mother.

She went upstairs.

My daddy usually calls about now for one of his daily chats, and then we all turn

in. I see.

So how do you like it down here in Smithville?

Wasn't on any maps until we got to Texas.

Well, see, we like to keep it a secret.

That way it doesn't get all overrun with people.

Seems to be working.

You know, your mother and I go way back.

I know you must.

Back home, we had a pet skunk.

Mom called it Justin Matisse.

Do you think that's a coincidence?

All day long, Mom would scream, you stink, Justin Matisse.

Finally, she just picked up a club and killed it.

Well, that's a sad story.

If you like the skunk, which we didn't.

I think she still has that club in her purse upstairs.

So I guess that means she's not coming down, huh?

Not until you leave.

Guess I better go then.

Hey, thanks for packing up all my stuff. I appreciate it.

I'll see you around.

That's what's great about a small town.

I had no idea.

Hey, it's a beautiful day. I'll just take a look at that.

Go on.

Get out there.

Get this stink blown off you. I always hated that expression, Mama. Well, don't

make me use it then. I'm going to turn the shower on for you, and then I'm

going shopping later if you want to get out of the house.

Mama!

Mama!

Mama, can't this... Mama!

Mama! Mother!

Justin, hey.

What are you doing up here?

I'm building shelves.

You look terrible.

Been drinking, huh?

Why does everybody keep asking me if I've been drinking? What is there, like

a coaster stuck to my butt or something?

How long is this going to take?

A couple of hours.

Why don't you go down and get dressed? You'll feel better.

You've got to feel depressed looking like that.

Jeez, Justin, do you always say what's on your mind? It's just my lucky day.

I'm not going to do you any favors by lying, Birdie. Well, Justin, I don't

need your favors.

All right?

I just need something.

Is that an invitation?

promised us a long and happy life.

Forget it.

Hansel and Gretel's mother was a terrible woman. Why didn't the witch eat

her?

I don't think he told the story.

Honey, your mama's gonna come get you just as soon as she can, I promise.

And stop picking at that doll's eyes, will you? That makes me nervous.

Bernice!

Bernice!

Come here.

What do you think you're doing? What do you think I am, stupid?

Do you think I wouldn't find out? What do you think you're doing?

Mama, what did I do?

Bernice, if you have something to say to me, say it flat out. Do not say it

behind my back.

Do you have something to tell me?

No. Tell me!

Stop playing innocent, Bernice. I know what you told him.

Told who?

Your father, Bernice. I just got off the phone with him. Do you know what he said

to me? He said, I'm sorry you're taking this so hard. I'm sorry you can't get

out of bed, but we have a daughter to take care of. What did you say to him?

Nothing. It wasn't bad. I just said you were sad.

We both are. That's all. That is our...

I promise, Daddy. Well, you know what? Bernie's daddy promised me the world.

And Daddy didn't honor his promise. And I will break every promise I make to

your daddy, all right? Okay, Bernie, stop it. That's enough now.

It is not a crime to tell the truth.

Not in this house.

Don't yell at her.

She's my daughter. I'll yell at her all I want to.

Will you just take a look at yourself?

Wandering around night and day in your bathrobe.

You're hiding out.

You're scared.

Lord, what happened to you?

You used to be so pleasing.

You know what? I had to be pleasing, Mama.

With the town joke as a mother, I had to be pleasing. When you'd flounce yourself

into school with your roadkill hat and your freshly skinned bag, Mom, I learned

how to be pleasing. You're pleasing nobody.

You're miserable yourself.

And I've never been unhappy.

So the joke is on you, honey.

Don't yell at her. Oh, I'm finished, believe me.

I didn't hurt you, did I?

Because I wouldn't hurt you for anything in the world, you know that, don't you?

It's okay.

Night, Travis.

Excuse me.

Bertie! Bertie Calvert! I heard you were back in town.

Hello. Debbie, Debbie Rison.

Debbie Rison.

How are you?

How are you?

Did you come here to see Dot?

Dot? Dot, she runs the whole office now.

Yeah, I came to see Dot. She'll be so tickled. Oh, great.

Dotty! In a million years, you'll never guess who came all the way from Chicago,

Illinois to see you.

Take me off the intercom, please.

She guessed.

Would you like to have a seat?

Great, thank you.

She'll be right with you.

I saw you on television.

Really? I taped it.

Yeah.

Bertie! Come on in.

No calls, Deborah.

Hi. Hi.

I didn't keep you too long. Oh, no, it's fine. Thank you.

You look beautiful.

Same old birdie.

Same old dot.

You have no idea who I am, do you?

No. Sorry.

I don't.

It's all right.

When I knew you, I was about...

Five inches shorter and about 70 pounds heavier.

We didn't exactly eat at the same lunch table.

Polka dot?

Oh.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Nobody's called me that in a long time.

Oh, my God.

You look fantastic.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Have a seat.

Oh, my God. I mean, it's remarkable.

Was I really that terrible before, Bertie? Oh, no, no, no. I just meant

that... Yeah, well, I know what you meant.

People change.

We get better as we get older.

Yeah.

Gosh, you look exactly the same.

Well, no, actually, I've, uh... Oh, I know. I heard about you and Bill.

Yeah. Yeah, he always was the ladies' man.

You all right?

Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine, you know.

So much of that, that's staged for TV.

It's for ratings, and yeah.

So, you need a job.

What sort of work have you been doing?

Housework. Bill worked, and he didn't want... We have a daughter, so I took

care of her.

Okay.

How fast do you type?

Don't type.

Computer skills?

Don't compute.

Oh, goodness.

You're going to have to give me some sort of idea of what you're looking for

here, Birdie, because I'm not likely to find a listing for prom queen.

Well, I used to take pictures. I was good at that. So maybe I could

get a job at the newspaper or Jackson's Portrait Studio. It's closed down. Oh.

And the newspaper's...

Not hiring, I can tell you that right now. Okay, okay.

So, Dot, I would really like a job.

One that I could like myself for, even if it's just for a little while.

Birdie. Dot, I don't know how I treated

you in high school.

I'm guessing it was pretty bad seeing how you're hell-bent on putting me

in my place right now.

That's okay.

Just put me in a job, too.

I would really be grateful.

Shoot some pictures over the weekend and bring them in. Okay.

Great. I'll look them over.

Great. I'll do what I can.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Enjoy your food, honey.

Thanks.

It's not for sissies, you know.

Dining alone?

Gotta be making some pretty stern stuff to do that.

Really?

See, the trick is to seem mysterious.

Like the choice is yours.

Impressive.

Yeah, the way you pick these things up.

You care to join me?

Can't do that.

That'd be cheap.

Besides, I'd rather wait.

Well, I gotta go.

Remember, mysterious, that's the key.

Oh.

Maybe, um...

Order some dessert.

Just to spite him.

All right.

Make me proud.

Keep the change. Thank you.

When there are clouds in the sky,

you'll get by.

If you smile through your fears and

sorrow, smile.

He's good, Brody.

Really?

Really.

So do you think you can find something for me like we talked about?

I think I can.

Great. Thanks.

And then you take the film like so, and you run it through here.

Now make sure that this here is shut tight. Okay.

And then you just follow it along like so.

And then it comes out here like so.

And then you separate it.

Like so. That's right.

Now, everyone's film has to be developed in less than an hour. Otherwise, it's

free. Any questions?

Nope. Occasionally, we get pictures of a somewhat questionable nature.

Naked pictures?

We never comment on them. We just hand them over as if we hadn't seen a thing.

I understand, Mr. Davis. But first, we make a copy, and we put them in the

second drawer under the counter.

And you can have a look any time you want. Just don't take any of them home

with you.

Oh, all right. You can sit down right there.

Bertie Calvert.

Oh, I bet the customers will stand in line to see you again.

Oh yeah, we have a full range of arts and crafts to keep our loved ones happy.

Like summer camp, really.

Only it's all year round.

Lucky them.

Charlie, let's go. Yeah, here we are.

Look who's here, Mr. C. Told you she was coming. All these people just to see

you. Oh, so good to see you.

Well, enjoy.

So, how you keeping, Daddy? Huh?

Mommy, what's wrong with him?

Baby, it's just a stroke, so don't worry about it.

Little old-timers.

She means Alzheimer's. I know what I mean.

But you know exactly what's going on, don't you, Daddy?

Yeah.

Oh, thank you for the bunny.

He doesn't even know who I am.

Oh, sure he does, sweetheart. It's just a little hard for him to show it.

Come on, say hello.

Sure, go ahead.

Travis, you want to kiss your grandpa hello?

I think what we need here is a little ice cream. That's a great idea.

We'll be in the cafeteria here. You'll be okay? We'll be fine.

So... Well,

I'll tell you one thing.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you what a nice place we got you in or how

good you look.

Because we're adults, right?

Well, at least you are.

Hey, Mama says you do that blinking thing with your eyes. One blink for yes,

two for no.

Can you do that?

Hmm?

Just on your good day, huh?

I get it.

That was Bernice, Daddy.

You remember Bernice?

There it is.

That's Bernice, Daddy.

She's the best thing I ever did.

I wish, uh, I wish Bill could be here, but, um, we're having a little bit of

trouble.

But enough of that, right?

I'm going to write her name right down here on the bottom of her picture.

So when she comes back here, maybe you could recognize her and give her a

little sign or something.

She could really use one, you know?

Hold on, Daddy.

Chances are I'll see you somewhere

You don't have a daddy either mom

Don't break that. I've had it forever.

Come on, it's late.

My little burrito baby.

Snug as a bug in a rug.

You're out of luck if your nose itches.

Well, if it isn't Bertie Calvert.

Bobby Claire Akins.

Patterson now.

Oh, great.

How are you?

I heard about your sad news.

How Bill could humiliate you like that in front of the entire world is just

beyond me.

We have a satellite dish, so we got to see it twice. Once central, once

mountain. You poor thing.

What can I do for you? Anyway, I brought you these.

My sister's wedding reception.

Triple prints, please. I'll come back after I get my hair done.

I just love this thing you're doing with your hair.

It's so down-to-earth and natural-like.

I wish I could be more like that.

I'm fearless that way.

I'm sorry, Bobby Clare.

Sorry? You think that does it? These pictures were irreplaceable.

When I was loading the paper, something must have got in the gate. Look, there's

nothing. There's not a blur, not a face with red eyes. You think Debbie Lynn

gets married every day?

Debbie Lynn, isn't this her fourth?

It is her fifth, Miss High and Marty.

But they each had very different themes.

And now there is nothing to show for it.

Well, at least I caught it before the other ones got ruined. Oh, yes, you were

just Little Miss Employee of the Month.

Mr. Davis, I hope I can count on you to make sure that this never happens again.

And I believe you know what I mean.

What?

Oh, dear.

Am I gonna have to fire you?

Oh, come on, she'll cool off. It's gotta be hard carrying around all of the hair,

you know?

Well, if she sends a bill, I'm gonna have to dock you, Bertie, for at least

half of it. Sorry.

Now, come on. Let's get this back online.

Go get back online.

Shut up.

Did you know that you were the first girl I ever kissed?

I did know that, yep. We were playing spin the bottle.

Yep.

And you stuck your tongue in my mouth.

I didn't know you were supposed to do that. Of course.

I was mortified.

I thought you were an epileptic.

So I went home and I told Mama that I was kissing you and you had a seizure in

my mouth.

Well, I was over the moon for you back then, Birdie.

You knew that.

No, I didn't.

Why didn't you ever say anything?

Coward. Chicken.

Chicken. Pure and simple.

I don't know. You and Bill were up here. I was somewhere else.

I mean, what would you have said if I had asked you out?

I don't know what I would have said. I'm not the same person I was back then.

How about if I asked you out now?

Is that what you're doing?

Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

I would have to say no.

I'm a married woman.

What's the matter with you?

Not on a date, though.

Just dinner.

Married people have to eat, right? I don't know.

I don't know.

What about I take you to a nice place and get a great fish dinner?

Boy, am I glad we're not having steak.

I'm a little rusty at roping steer.

Yeah, well, you're not so hot up this evening.

Relax, birdie.

Just sit back and let the fish come to you.

You know who'd love this cellar? Bernice. Hey.

Breathe.

I'm breathing.

Just listen.

So what have you been doing since high school? It just kills you to sit there

and be quiet for five minutes, doesn't it?

Like it kills you to answer a personal question.

I went to California.

You didn't like it?

I'm here, Aina.

Yes, you are.

Yes, I am.

You know those people who publish those calendars? Uh-huh.

They'd really love your pictures.

So I like pretty pictures.

That's who I am.

You don't get voted most popular and best smile if you have an itch.

You know you do have a great smile.

Don't show it to me, though.

Come here.

Hey.

Come sit by me.

Wanna help?

Nope.

Don't smile now.

I'm not.

Let's see his smile.

You've got a great smile.

Hold on.

He won smile of the year in his school. Get it?

Get the ball, Popeye.

Can't you do this in the backyard, Mama? It's so embarrassing.

Honey, they're dead.

How can they be embarrassed?

I hated this so much when I was your age. One day, all of this is going to be

yours.

Hey, what's wrong? How was school?

Fine. Nuh-uh.

Big Dolores is going to murder Bernice.

Quiet, Travis.

Who's Big Dolores?

She's the meanest and dumbest girl in school.

But she keeps passing because even teachers are afraid of Big Dolores.

She has her own gang, too.

It's called Big Dolores.

What you got against Bernice?

Bernice hit Big Dolores in the face with a volleyball in front of the whole

school.

And now Bernice is going to die.

Bernice, did you hit somebody in the face with a volleyball?

It was an accident.

What did you say to your son?

She's going to kill me anyway.

That whole family's no good.

You know, I think it's glandular.

Whatever gland produces meanness, they get it. Oh, Mama.

Nobody's gonna kill anybody.

I'll just... I'm gonna talk with her mother and iron everything out.

No, please don't have a talk with her mother. I'd rather die.

Don't worry.

You will.

Travis. Travis, come on down here and be a tree.

Travis, come here. Go be a tree.

Mom, promise me you won't have a talk with her mother.

They'd really have it in for me after that.

Oh, Bernice, don't be so dramatic. Nothing's gonna happen.

You're right, Mom.

It'll be a normal day.

Oh, yes.

Old man Linton's make-out spot.

I thought you were taking me out for ice cream.

What would your mother say?

She'd probably say, way to go, Justin.

Really? Yeah.

Uh-huh.

What an incredible night.

Mm-hmm.

Life sure hasn't changed much, has it? No, not at all.

Not that I came here much. Oh, no. Of course not.

Bill was always in training, so he said he always put him off his game. Mm, I

see. And all riled up the night before.

Maybe he didn't look so happy on TV. Oh, God.

Doesn't anybody watch public television anymore?

I couldn't keep my eyes off of you.

Which part captivated you more? Was it the part where... Let's see, where I

appeared downtrodden and pitiful, or was it... Oh, was it the part where I looked

stricken and grotesque? Because I personally preferred the part where I

looked pathetic.

I like that one. I think I just preferred the part where you appeared

available.

Don't you feel young over there, just sitting in this truck?

I feel like I'm 16 again.

Get real, Justin.

I never kissed a man before, Bill.

Who said anything about kissing?

Did I say that?

Please, Daddy, come and get me before it's too late.

I don't feel so good, Grandma.

Oh.

You're going to school today, Rocky.

Man, it's not fair.

Come on, Travis.

Bookworm.

How was school?

Huh?

Hey, Weasel. Fine.

What happened?

She lived.

Can turn the breeze sky blue.

I can make it rain whenever I want it to.

Oh, I can build a castle from the single grain of sand.

I can make a ship sail on dry land.

But my life is incomplete and I'm so blue.

Cause I can't get next to you. Can't get next to you, baby. Next to you. Can't

get next to you. I just can't get next to you. Can't get next to you, baby.

to you.

Back Travis County.

I've been gone for way too long.

God, Mr. and Mrs. Whitehead, they were like 100 years old when I knew them.

Miss Ramona.

Did you want to dance with me?

Oh, no.

Oh, my goodness. You'd go dance with someone your own age.

I never.

All right. Sorry I bothered you. Oh, well, all right, then.

Will you excuse us, Helen?

Bertie? Bertie Pruitt?

I can see that.

So I thought, um, I thought you'd moved to Houston.

Well, I'm just in for the weekend.

Mama told me you were in town.

Yeah, I'm here.

You look wonderful.

Oh. Seriously.

Well, thank you.

Aren't you clever.

That's the way to get Bill to come crawling back to you.

Oh, I, I don't, that's, that's... Would you look at Polka Dot?

The donut's best friend.

There's Justin Matisse.

I heard he lost that great job in California because he wouldn't work fast

enough. Oops, he's headed this way.

Hey.

Hey.

Honor me?

What? I want to dance with you.

Justin, I can't.

Excuse us.

Justin, I can't. I can't dance anymore.

Dancing's just a conversation between two people.

Talk to me.

Yeah, I started feeling funny when you walked through that door.

And it ain't happened yet, but I'd be willing to bet if it happens

once, I'll be coming back for more.

You can do it now.

All right.

Whoo!

Wow.

Oh,

look out now.

Whoo!

Yeah.

Yes.

Come on. Come on now.

Come on, Bernie.

Yeah, there is some kind of something happening, and I'm not sure.

But I know it ain't been in the air down here.

Yeah,

I started feeling funny when you walked through that door.

Looking fine, Bernie. Well, it ain't happened yet.

But I'd be willing to bet if it happened once, I'd be coming back for more.

with some fine tunes on the jukebox.

Thanks for the dance.

Hey, hey, hey.

What?

Just breathe.

But I would never do you wrong.

I've known it from the moment I've been married.

No doubt in my mind you belong.

Okay, be kind.

It's a work in progress.

It's a door.

This is it.

19th century Texas pine.

I love that smell.

Feel this.

It's tongue and groove.

Excuse me?

They cut and match perfect.

Fit together.

You want to see the porch?

It's this way.

It's gonna have a great view once I get rid of that trailer.

This is gonna wrap all the way around the house.

This is nice.

Yeah, they call that a swing.

Maybe you could hang it.

Yeah, I could.

This is from Mom and Dad's old place.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

It's comfy, huh? Yeah. Yeah.

This is gonna be a real nice house, Justin.

Who was your architect?

You kidding, huh?

That's half the fun.

You go around Smithville painting houses and you can do this?

Yep. You could do so much more.

I guess so, huh?

You know what I meant.

I know exactly what you meant.

Talking about the American dream.

You find something that you love and then you twist it and you torture it.

Trying to find a way to make money at it.

Spent a lifetime doing that.

And at the end, you can't find a trace of what you started out loving.

What'd you start out loving?

Don't remember.

For me, it was doing things right.

That's all.

That's why I came back here. So I could live the way I wanted.

I don't know. I figured out everybody.

You'd understand that.

I do.

I envy you.

Everything you love is right here.

Not everything, Birdie.

Just like you.

I'm not afraid of living alone I was alone

before he came

I don't have the strength

to fight anymore But this time's not

the same

So tell me why I keep holding on

to something I just cannot see.

What makes you stay when your world

falls apart?

What makes you try one more time when it's not?

i just can't walk away

tell me what

I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Mama?

Kitchen!

Where's Bernice?

Oh, they ate ours ago.

Boy, she had a face on her like a bucket of worms. You know, I don't know what's

going on there.

What's this?

I just invited Justin over for dinner. He sounded like he could use a little

cheering up. I don't want to see Justin tonight, Mama. Justin is my friend, and

if he's feeling down in the dumps and I feel like cheering him up, I guess

that's my business. Mama, this is not the time for your matchmaking stunts,

all right? Oh, matchmaking? What an imagination.

Oh, come on, Bertie, come on.

Johannes, you don't have to say anything.

You know, you could just sit there. Maybe...

You know, you could quietly chew or something.

Oh, there's nothing you can do about it, sweetie.

I'm going upstairs to sleep.

All right.

Now, Bertie, this has never been a rude house. Strange, perhaps, but never rude.

Now, I would like you to go and welcome our guest.

Hey, I'm still your mama, Missy. You move it.

Hello, Bernice.

These are for you.

Thanks, but I'm allergic.

Hey, Ms. Coward.

Hey, Justin. How are you? Glad to see you. Good.

I don't want these.

Bernice. Thanks anyway.

Hey, Birdie. What's going on? Hey, Justin.

Oh, my goodness.

You've been cooking in here, huh, Ms. Coward? Oh, that's nothing. I hope you

enjoy it. Yes, indeed.

Come on. Let's all sit down here now.

joining us mama oh you know i forgot i ate earlier with the children you know

i'll tell you this memory's really going

sorry

about

last night i'm only sorry about this morning

I know you have a crush on me. A crush?

Bertie, this ain't high school, you know? You know what I mean, Bill.

Justin.

What? My name is Justin.

It ain't Bill.

I'm sorry. You know, Bertie, you used to be... So...

I don't know.

Audacious. Bold.

People would stop to watch you come down the street. Here comes that Bertie

Calvert. Their eyes would light up. You could see it on their faces.

Look at me.

You think you've lost that.

I can still see it.

Bill can't see that.

You don't know anything about Bill. I know that Bill could let you go. Damn,

Birdie, when are you gonna face up to the fact that he ain't coming back for

you? You get out of here. My daddy is coming back. And he loves me, and he

wants my mother, and he'll kill you if you ever come around here. Stop it,

Bernice. Tell him. Be quiet.

You better go.

Yep. Listen, why don't both of you go out? Bernice and I will stay here and

have a little visit.

It's all right.

When you get tired of waiting, give me a call. I hope I'm still around.

Thanks, Miss Calvert.

Boy, you just amaze me, Bertie. You know, your love life has always been a

disaster, Erie. There I have those big orange cones all around you.

What can I say, Mama?

I'm my own crown of thorns.

Hey, you think life goes on forever?

You think behind every chance there's another chance and then another one and

another one?

It's the worst kind of extravagance, the way you spend your chances, Bertie.

Get out of here and don't come back!

Bernice!

Bernice, stop it! Stop it! What is the matter with you? What are you doing?

Why didn't you tell him? Why didn't you say he loves us? He's coming back. Oh,

God, Bernice, because I don't know, all right? I don't know if Daddy loves us,

and I don't know if he's coming back, all right?

He loves me. He loves me even if he doesn't love you.

Just send him away. What more do you want from me? I want my daddy. I want to

go home to my daddy. He wouldn't have left if you had loved him enough. No,

Bernice, your daddy didn't love me enough.

This is all your fault and you know it.

I know that is the prettiest one.

Birdie Calvert.

She looks like she belongs in a bar.

Well, hello, Birdie.

It's about time you came by and said hi.

Hey, Mike.

You being good?

Well, I'm trying to be.

Just doesn't seem to be working out that way.

Uh, can I get a vodka tonic extra lime, please?

You surely may. Thanks.

in a convalescent home. Now, Raquel, what do you want to say to Damius?

Okay, you know how late at night I get calls really late?

What's that? What? What?

Well, when they call me... It's on me, Birdie. They call me to dance.

I'm really an exotic... I'm really an exotic dancer.

What?

You know what happens to birdies? It's their cat food.

It's their target practice.

Birdie. Birdie. Birdie! Look, it's a good name.

Have some coffee. You might want to pace yourself, birdie. Oh, you know what? I'm

fine. I'm going to go home.

You sure?

Don't let me get like that. For God's sakes, don't even let me get like that.

I'm going to be pretty pathetic, huh?

Yeah.

Poor woman.

It's always been leased on national television.

I know, we cried.

You know what? Do not believe everything you see, all right?

Boy, if I believe everything I saw down at the Photoshop, I believe in Bobby

Clare. Gotta sell some new titties. You

know, I got one word for y'all.

Take it easy, okay? Oh, man. Que sera, sera, people.

Are you okay?

What do we do, Mama?

Please don't say anything.

Don't be clever.

Don't be smart.

Because I really can't take it tonight.

Why don't you sit on that?

The tiles are always so cold in this bathroom.

Everything is so wrong without Bill.

I know.

I miss him so much. He used to call me baby.

I never in a million years thought I'd be a woman who liked that, but I did.

put them on the small of my back and just lead me into a room.

It made me feel so safe.

I miss all that.

Of course you do.

I know. I know it's so easy to blame him.

But you know what?

I think it's me.

I do because he used to look at me.

And I used to see myself in his eyes.

It was like he saw me.

And I was audacious, Mama.

I was.

And then, um,

I don't know, things started to change.

The harder I tried to be what he wanted me to be, the less I saw myself in his

eyes. And just one day, I looked, and I was gone.

I still see her. No, no, no.

It's happening with Bernice, too.

It's happening with Bernice.

She doesn't even look at me the same way.

It's like there's a wall between us. There's a wall, and it's killing me.

Because the one thing that I said, the one thing that I said when I grow up, if

I ever had a daughter of mine, she would know her mother loved her, and I would

hug her.

I would tell nice things, and I wouldn't just let the daddy do all the hugging.

And I know I realize that.

I realize that it doesn't matter who or what or when or where

the hugging happens.

Sometimes you just need a hug.

And it just didn't work out that way.

No, I... I've seen you hug your daughter.

She knows you love her.

Yeah, mothers love their daughters.

if they show it poorly.

Hi, Julia.

Here's the talent show list.

It's up!

The audition list is up!

I hope I'm near the beginning.

I'm so nervous.

Produce!

Who's gonna do a poem?

They don't like too many poems.

Hey, Bertie. Hey.

Chris, how are you? Fine. What's up? Um, I was wondering if you could, uh...

Bernice!

Bernice, honey!

Isn't that your mom?

Sweetheart!

Let's go.

Could you just give this to her? She forgot her lunch. Sure, sure.

Thanks.

Thanks. Good to see you again.

To make you feel my love When evening

shadows and the stars appear And there is no

one to dry your tears I could hold you for

a million years To make

Do you remember who I am?

Hello.

Hi.

Isn't she beautiful?

Yes, sir, she sure is.

That's my daughter, Birdie.

She's marked for happiness.

How do you know that?

If you look at her, child, you'll see it.

My God, you're right.

I see it.

Hey, honey.

Your mom called a while ago. She said she'd be home soon.

You want me to, uh, tuck in?

Yeah. How tight?

Tight.

Okay.

Snuggles, a mug and a rug.

You're so much like your mama. She used to love me to tuck her in real tight.

I'm not like her.

We're different.

It's like we're not even relatives.

Oh, well.

Yeah. Yeah.

I know what you mean.

Relatives are trouble. I couldn't agree more.

Did I ever tell you about Walter, my brother? No?

Well, what you have to go through with your mama and suffer, that's what I had

to suffer with Walter.

One day we were playing out back down by the river, and we came across the most

beautiful ant hill you ever saw.

And Ben Walter, he immediately kicked it and stomped on it, just scattered it to

the four winds. I just started howling.

I was just, I yelled for my mom, I ran up and I grabbed her and dragged her

down there just crying and carrying on.

Anyway, my mama was trying to calm me down, so she said, wait, wait, they're

not finished, not by a long shot.

And we waited and waited, and sure enough, those little black specks

just started scurrying every which way, just working hard to build their home

back.

And I said, why do they do it? I just give up. I mean, it's hopeless.

And my mama said, yeah, you know, if there's just one of you.

But there's lots of aunts down there.

And they're all relatives.

They're family.

Just like we are.

Well, that's what families are for.

That's why they invented families.

So hopeless didn't get the last word.

So... Listen, if ants can do it, I figure we can do it.

You know, my birdie has a lot more strength than she's ever known.

And one of these days, she's going to realize it.

I love you, Grandma.

Oh. Oh, honey.

Honey.

My cup runneth over.

Say, haven't you got a birthday coming up here pretty soon?

You want to tell Grandma what you wish for?

No. No.

No? Well, never mind. I'll figure that out. I have my magic

ways.

Good night, honey.

Good night.

Oh, Bertie.

Where did you get home?

Oh, a little while ago.

I went to go see Daddy.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah.

Well, you were always Daddy's girl.

Not just his, Mama.

Thank you.

Well... You're most welcome.

I'm gonna get some tea. You want some?

No, I'm okay. Thanks.

Mama, what's up?

What's wrong? Mama?

Mama?

Oh, God, Mama.

Mama, Bernice, go down on one.

Mama, this isn't happening to me. Come on, not now, Mama. Come on, not now.

Don't do this to me now, Mama.

Come on, Mama, don't do this to me now.

Wake up, Mama.

Mama, wake up!

Wake up!

Mama! Mama, please.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I'm privileged to have known Ramona Calvert all my life.

I don't believe she needs to be idealized in death beyond what she was

in life.

A complicated woman, and a generous one.

Proud, and yet humble enough to help many of her neighbors.

Quiet, simple.

The mother of two fine daughters, the wife of one good man.

She doesn't require any...

fancy words from the likes of me.

All I need to say is I will miss her.

Will we all?

And I know, even seated next to our Father in Heaven, she'll still be Ramona

enough. Thank you, Grandma.

Thank you. And she'll rest in peace.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

May God be with you. And also with you.

Take it easy, Bernice. You're choking me.

Come on. Let me get a look at you.

What are you doing?

Taking you home.

Okay.

Hey. You doing all right?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Want to come see Mommy?

Hey, Travis.

You mind if I sit down?

Birdie, why don't you sit down?

That can wait.

Okay.

Would you like any sugar or cream with it, or are you okay?

I'm fine.

How are you, sweetheart? Want anything?

I'm good. You

got a telegram?

I waited my whole life to get one of these.

Still ain't happening.

It's from your mom?

I tell you, she must care about you an awful lot to send you a telegram.

It's for Aunt Bertie.

Even so?

What you thinking about?

Aunt Bertie wants me.

Yeah, she does.

My grandma's dead.

I know.

Birdie, you're not going to make me feel bad about this.

Only thing I'm guilty of is falling in love.

I didn't want it to happen. I didn't seek it out, Birdie. It just happened.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you talking about me or Connie?

Because you seem to fall in love real easily, so it's only natural to be

confused.

Here you go, Daddy.

Didn't I tell you to play outside?

You're not leaving until you stop fighting.

We're not fighting.

Nobody's fighting here.

Nope. You never did, did you?

This always came real easy to you, didn't they?

Real easy.

Hey, almost as easy as discarding your wife and child, huh?

Kind of like a to-do list.

Wife's gone, check.

Daughter's gone. Check, check.

Hey, Bertie, you left, remember?

No.

You left long before I left you.

Ah, this isn't about who left first, Bertie.

We're not in love with each other anymore.

You said you weren't gonna fight.

Bernice, if you do not get out of this house, you're gonna wish you had.

Don't you ruin anything!

Look. If you fell out of love with me, you should have left me a long time ago

instead of skirting around behind my back.

How come you're sitting out here all by yourself?

Where's that crazy Bernice?

She's inside with her father.

Everything's okay, right?

Yeah.

So what you feel like doing?

Wanna go for a walk or something?

Aren't you going inside to say hi?

Don't you know?

I came over to say hi to you.

Hi.

God, I would have stayed with you forever.

I would have turned myself inside out for you. Bertie, I wouldn't have let

you.

People grow.

They change. They have to. You don't think I know that.

I know that I'm not what I once was.

I know that.

But then again, neither are you.

You're sad, you're weak, and you're shorter,

if you want to know the truth.

But I haven't changed so much that I would go and lie to somebody that I

love. God, I would walk through fire before I let them feel like they were

nothing.

And I would never break up anybody's home, because I'm not a quitter.

I care about my family.

I'm in love with Connie.

Now, Bernie, this is my chance for a fresh start, and I'm taking it. I'm

sorry. Then you should take it.

If that's your chance, then you should take it.

You're right. You and Connie deserve each other.

You were lucky to have me.

But you know what?

I think I already got the best part of you.

She's standing right out there, and she's waiting for me.

I don't know what's left over. It just all of a sudden doesn't look so good

anymore.

So what do you want?

Why'd you come back?

You want my permission?

You want my condolences?

Why'd you come back?

I didn't want to do this today, but it's because I want a divorce, Bertie.

Bernice? I'm going with my daddy.

Bernice, what do you think you're doing?

I'm going with you.

Honey, that's impossible.

But I'm going with you.

No, you've got to stay here with your mama.

Bertie, you going to help me out here?

You told me you wanted me with you, remember?

Listen, honey, I've got to go.

Now don't do this to yourself, okay?

Don't make a scene.

Now go on back inside. Go ahead.

Stop it, Daddy!

Bernice, you know I'd take you with me if I could.

You can!

Try to understand, baby.

Connie and I, we need this time to ourselves to try to make a go of it.

Then I'll come back for you. I promise. I promise. I promise.

Now go on inside, please.

You want me. You wrote it in the letter.

Let me in. You want me.

I'll always want you, Bernice.

You're my little princess.

No. But your mama, she needs you.

No. And you need her.

I love you, princess.

I gotta go.

Why did you pretend that letter was from Daddy?

What an imagination you have.

You know, I always thought that I was going to be, I don't know,

special.

But I'm not.

I'm just, just an ordinary person.

And that's okay.

Because you make me special.

Don't you know that?

Don't you know that you are everything in this world to me?

And we are going to make it through this because we are a team.

Birdie and Bernice, the coolest chicks in Smithville.

So don't you ever think about leaving me again.

Because I need you.

I love you.

Me too.

Good.

Bad dog!

Bad dog!

Anything interesting come in while I was at lunch? No, sir.

Oh, oh, no.

Look at these.

Birdie? No, what is wrong with this stupid machine?

Come on, I'm telling you, I...

Okay, Mama.

Stop pushing.

truth believe a lie there'll be times

that you believe that you can really fly

but your lonely nights

have just begun when

you love someone

Y'all ready?

Why don't y'all go ahead? I want to talk to Bernice for just a second.

Are you stuck with us now, buddy?

Yeah.

Well, what are you looking at?

Huh?

My cup run is over.

I'm gonna marry Justin Matisse.

Oh honey, I don't think I'm gonna get married for quite some time.

Why, you don't like Justin?

It's not that.

It's just... What is it?

I... You can be honest with me. Tell me.

I just don't want to be known as Bernice Matisse.

Oh God, Bernice.

You are a fine girl. You know that?

I never said any different.

My dad says that childhood is the happiest time of my life.

But I think he's wrong. I think my mom's right.

She says that childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to

overcome.

That's what mama used to say.

She said beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle

that counts the most.

You need to remember that when you find yourself at the beginning.

Just give hope a chance to float up.

And it will too.

To make you feel my love When evening shadows

and the stars appear And there is no

one to dry your tears I could hold you

forty million years To make you feel my love

No, you haven't made your mind up yet But I

would never do you wrong I've known it

from the moment that we met There's no doubt in my mind

where you belong I'd go hungry,

I'd go blind

I'd go crawling down the avenue There

ain't nothing that I wouldn't do To make you

feel mine Chances are you'll find me

somewhere on your road tonight Seems I

always end

Ever since I've known you, it just seems you're on my way.

All the rules of logic don't apply.

I long to see you in the night.

Be with you till morning.