Original subtitles

Futurama is brought to you by...

Glagnar's Human Rinds.

It's a buncha muncha cruncha humans!

Ooh!

Aw, somebody likes snouts.

Is it me?

Oh, my head!

My precious head!

Oh!

Stupid can opener!

You killed my father and now you've come back for me!

You all right, Bender?

Uh, yeah, I guess so.

But I don't see why we keep this ticking time bomb around...

just for that dumb animal!

Don't yell at Nibbler like that.

You hurt his feelings.

Come on, pet him and make up.

No!

I said pet him.

I'll pet him.

I'll pet him with both hands!

Ow, my ass!

Get off! Get off!

Are you all right?

Eh, it's nothing a lawsuit won't cure!

Not you.

Oh, poor baby.

Chipped a fang.

Hey, I got a busted ass here!

I don't see anyone kissing it!

All right, I'm coming.

Remember:

Rover gets the pill...

and Pepper gets the suppository.

Next!

Ow!

Ah, it's just a simple broken fang.

Nothing serious.

What's that you say there, Doctor?

You're going to have to put him down?

No, I... But I...

Terrible shame, that.

Shall I do the honors?

- No! - Ow!

You about done?

Next time I'm keeping it.

Well, I believe I have a replacement fang for your pet...

in the next room.

Well, uh...

the jaguar didn't want to cooperate...

but luckily he knocked one of my teeth out.

Now, then...

Ow!

Hey, what are these rings in Nibbler's fang?

Um, I'm still a little woozy...

from a gazelle kick this morning...

but if he's anything like the common tree...

the rings might indicate his age.

Yeah, well, good luck.

It would take some kind of genius...

to count all those rings.

He's five.

Happy birthday, young Nibbler.

Aw, look how cuddly he looks in his new cape.

I'd be cuddly, too, if someone gave me a new cape.

Who's playing "Pin the tail on the moon maggot"?

Ooh, me! Everyone watch how good I am!

Yay! And the crowd goes wild!

What prize do I get, cash?

Hey, look at Nibbler!

Aw, he's holding a spoon.

He's so talented.

You call that talent?

Gather 'round ol' Bender...

and get ready for the show of a lifetime.

Ta-da!

Oh!

Now, he's wearing a hat!

Come on, let's all sing "Happy Birthday."

♪ What day is today ♪

♪ It's Nibbler's birthday ♪

♪ What a day for a birthday ♪

♪ Let's all have some cake. ♪

♪ And you smell like one, too. ♪

Hey!

What about this?

Bender...

you were supposed to be cooking for this party.

Fine. We'll have rack of Nibbler.

Just make a simple cake.

And this time if someone's going to jump out of it...

make sure to put them in...

after you cook it.

So it's a cake you want, is it?

I'll make you a cake you'll never forget.

That'll take care of those annoying rats.

Now, to make a cake so delicious...

they'll have no choice but to love and worship me.

There!

This will teach those filthy bastards who's lovable.

Now, all I have to do is spell check it...

and it's ready for my admiring public.

No! Get away from there.

That's it!

Happy birthday!

Bender, what's going...

No!

Hey, can't you see I'm using the toilet?

Bender, how could you flush Nibbler down the toilet?

Well, step one, I had to lift the seat.

That was the first little annoyance.

Am I right, men?

Aren't you upset at all?

How would you feel if I flushed Fry down the toilet?

Only one way to find out.

You have no sympathy for anyone else's feelings.

Of course I do.

Right now, I feel sorry for you.

You do?

Yeah. I mean...

one cantaloupe-sized bloodshot eye.

You ain't winning no beauty pageants, lady.

And so we say good-bye...

to our beloved pet, Nibbler...

who's gone to a place where I, too, hope one day to go...

The toilet.

I wouldn't feel so bad...

if Bender just understood the pain he caused me.

Give it to me straight, Doctor. Don't sugarcoat it.

Very well.

Your entire family died...

when a plane piloted by your fiancé...

crashed into your uninsured home.

And you have inoperable cancer.

Bet you weren't expecting that one, Calculon!

It's like he doesn't understand simple humanoid emotion.

I wish just once...

Bender could feel exactly what I feel.

Actually, through the miracle of science...

that can be arranged.

Uh-oh. Is this going...

to be another crazy experiment...

that crosses a line man was not meant to cross?

The official death toll...

in that tragic rocket crash has now been raised to 54,000.

Hey, what the hell are you doing with my head?

I need to tinker in it.

Why don't you just use a potted plant like Fry?

Quiet you.

I'm installing an "empathy chip."

And that'll allow Bender to feel other people's emotions?

Yes, if by "allow" you mean "force."

Ow... ooh... son of a...

Oh, dear!

Oh, my! Uh-oh!

Once more. My bad.

Steady now!

There we go.

Now, I'll simply tune it to Leela's emotional frequency.

My God!

I'm overcome with... feelings.

I'm experiencing a powerful yearning to...

to cram my gullet full of mackerel heads.

That's me, baby.

Hmm.

Now I'm worried that I'm not as smart as Leela.

But at the same time...

I feel relieved that I'm cuter than her.

Uh, that's me.

Thanks for covering.

This time I miss Nibbler...

and I'm feeling nosy and opinionated.

Bingo!

That's Leela.

Thank you, Professor.

I'm happy Bender...

can finally feel my pain.

Happy. I like this feeling.

Just don't revert to your usual mopey self.

I'm not mopey.

You shut up.

Anger, huh?

How dare you make me feel anger...

you one-eyed jerk with a dead pet!

Thanks for taking me out, Amy.

I feel slightly less miserable already.

Hey, you know what would cheer you up?

You should get yourself a puppy.

A puppy?

Nibbler loved to eat puppies.

What's your problem?

I miss Nibbler.

You do?

Hell, no!

It's Leela's stupid feelings.

Why can't she just drink herself happy...

like a normal person?

Uh-oh, jealousy.

You think you're so hot!

Wha?!

The only reason...

you get all the guys...

is because you dress like a tramp.

They're just responding to my personality.

Uh, Leela, Armando and I...

are going to the backseat of his car for coffee.

You going to be all right here by yourself?

Sure. I'm having a great time.

Really. You two go enjoy yourselves.

I'm so lonely.

I'm going to go eat a bucket of ice cream.

The spoon's in the foot powder.

I'm at the end of my rope.

I can't live another minute without poor, sweet Nibbler.

Too bad he wasn't an alligator.

You know, when you flush those things...

they stay alive in the sewers.

- Really? - Yep.

My friend's cousin's caseworker saw one once.

It's a widely believed fact.

Hmm, sewers.

Thinking, thinking, thinking.

Hang on, Nibbler!

Uncle Bender's coming to save you.

Damn, it's too small.

What did those humans design this for, anyway?

Aha! Bender, one. Toilet, zero.

See you on the other side.

Bender? Bender?!

Have you seen my sombrero?

Now he's flushed himself down the toilet?

Who's he going to flush next?

Hey, it's your fault.

He only flushed himself...

because your emotions made him feel bad.

You're right.

I feel terrible.

Oh, great.

Now you're making him feel worse.

I guess we'd better go down into the sewers and look for him.

Are you crazy?

There's mutants down there.

They'll eat you alive.

They're hideous!

There's no such thing as mutants.

That's a ridiculous urban myth.

Oh, don't be so sure.

Many scientists believe...

humans really could mutate down there...

due to exposure to toxic waste and radioactive runoff...

and good old American feces.

God bless America.

Phew!

Ladies first.

Ugh! And the aftertaste.

What is it?

I burned my finger.

Okay, check the guidebook.

Looks like we're under Park Avenue.

Ooh, ritzy.

Just think, all this was probably once...

a charity luncheon for the Met.

Wait, what's that?

I never should have thrown out the manual.

Bender, you didn't have to come down here.

I know, but I just missed Nibbler so much.

He was so cute.

He was so sweet.

Yuck. This emotional display is making me nauseous.

Or maybe it's whatever that is.

Nibbler?

Nibbler?

It's no use.

We'd better turn back.

Which way, Fry?

Hmm. According to this map, the only way out is through...

that pipe.

Don't worry, it gets wider after about a mile.

- Idiot. - Idiot.

Okay, okay, never mind.

I'll just ask those people for directions.

Mutants!

Mutants!

They're real.

I'll take care of this.

Back. Back.

Thanks, handsome.

Please, do not be frightened.

We're harmless.

I have three arms.

I said harmless, not armless.

Lay off him.

You know he's only got one ear.

Hey, aren't you supposed to be eating our brains?

You're mutants.

Mutants?

Perhaps it is you who are the mutants.

Please, Dwayne.

Have you looked in a mirror lately?

Welcome to our village.

It may not be Paris, but it has a certain...

quaint charm that I, for one, wouldn't trade for the world.

You guys realize you live in a sewer, right?

Perhaps.

But perhaps your civilization...

is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you.

No, we're on the top.

Daylight and everything.

Oh.

It must be wonderful.

Eh.

Listen, we actually...

came down here to find our pet, Nibbler.

He got flushed down the toilet.

Well, if he got flushed down the toilet...

he probably came through here.

Everything always does.

Follow me.

All that is ours...

was once flushed down your toilets.

Over there is our aquarium. This is our library.

Nothing but crumpled porno and Ayn Rand.

And over here is our church.

Wow, you guys worship an unexploded nuclear bomb?

Yeah, but nobody's that observant.

It's mainly a Christmas and Easter thing.

Nibbler?

Come to daddy, sweetie-ookums.

So, is it true that alligators flushed down the toilet...

survive down here?

No. That's just an urban legend.

Then what are those?

Crocodiles.

We keep them as pets.

Then, when they grow too large...

we flush them down...

into the sub-sewer.

Some say there's a freakish race of sub-mutants down there.

Please, that's just a sub-urban legend.

Oh? Then I suppose you also don't believe in...

El Chupanibre.

El Chupanibre? What's that?

Gather 'round, children...

for the legend of El Chupanibre.

♪ He creeps and crawls in the midnight hush ♪

♪ Silent as a low-flow toilet flush ♪

♪ Watch your step, 'cause sooner or later ♪

♪ He'll eat you whole and half your alligator. ♪

Crocodile.

Whatever.

Wait, our pet Nibbler...

loves fresh crocodile.

It's his favorite treat.

He must be El Chupanibre.

Hey, yeah.

You unleashed the dreaded El Chupanibre upon us?

Then you are our sworn enemies.

You don't understand.

He would never hurt people.

Let us help you capture him.

Impossible.

If the legend is true...

our only hope is to offer him a "snack-rifice."

Yes, an unspoiled virgin.

I volunteer.

Nice try, Leela...

but we've all seen Zapp Brannigan's web page.

Oh, I made myself feel bad.

She'll have to do. Chain her to the post.

And rip her shirt a little.

Behold. When El Chupanibre comes for the... "virgin..."

he will be snared by this rope trap.

Shh.

El Chupanibre comes soon.

It is nightfall.

Nightfall?

How can you tell down here?

The tide is coming in.

Quiet. The beast approaches.

Nibbler!

Ah, come here, precious.

Look, everyone, it's El Chupanibre.

That's not El Chupanibre.

Say what?

That's El Chupanibre.

I'll take care of this.

Bender, do something.

I'm too scared.

Leela, your "scaredness" is being transmitted straight to Bender.

If you care about Nibbler, stop caring about him.

I can't.

I love every living creature.

Even me?

As a friend.

Damn.

Listen to me, Leela.

I'm an expert at not caring.

The secret is to stop giving a rat's ass...

about anyone else...

and start thinking of the things that you want...

That you deserve...

That the world owes you.

Well, I could use a new tank top.

Bigger! Bigger!

A fashionable tank top, and designer boots...

encrusted with jewels.

Don't stop now.

You'll need some pants to go with that outfit.

Yeah.

And I could afford it all...

if I didn't have to feed that stupid Nibbler.

Bender is back.

I'll save you, Nibbler.

Aw.

Bender's going to be killed!

You know what else I could use?

A weekend at one of those fancy spas.

And a Toblerone.

Huh?

Yay! You did it!

Let's have a tissue tape parade.

No, thanks.

Gather 'round, children, to hear the legend of Bender.

♪ He came from above with... ♪

It's going to be many a year...

before someone flushes another guitar string.

That was a disgusting story.

And it's all thanks to Bender.

I love you, Bender.

I love you, too.

Get that stupid chip out of me...

before I kill myself.

Bender, you won't believe this...

but the empathy chip burned out.

The emotion you felt for Nibbler was actually your own.

Huh. Looks like Bender learned an important lesson...

about respecting other people's feelings after all.

No, I'm wrong.

The empathy chip was running at triple capacity.

And I still barely felt anything.

Good night, losers.

You know, Bender may not have learned anything from me...

but I think I actually learned something from him.

So long, jerkwads!

So long.