Original subtitles

Goodbye, Mr. Harvey. Thank you for everything.

- Pleasure to have you aboard. - Bye-bye.

Jeannie, now, you remember what I told you. Okay.

I know everything's gonna turn out alright, Mr. Plimpton.

Goodbye, Mrs. Singer. Goodbye, everybody.

Goodbye.

Do you always feel as sticky as I do when you get off a train?

I never believe I've really arrived

anywhere until I've changed.

Harry.

Hi, Mitchell.

At the office, they're taking the red carpet

out of mothballs and cutting up the ticker tape.

Your official greeter will be at the hotel but I thought

before you faced all that, you'd better have breakfast.

Alright.

- Oh, porter. - I can't take your bags, lady.

- Well, I was just gonna ask-- - I'm sorry, lady.

I was just going to ask where the ladies' room is.

'Hello.'

Is this the New Amsterdam Hotel?

Oh, sorry, you spoke so fast, I couldn't be sure what you said.

I'd like to leave a message for Miss Evie Jackson, please.

She'll be checking in sometime this morning

for the postmasters' convention.

Just say, Welcome to New York and sign it, Bimbo Jones.

Thank you.

Of course, I'm glad you got the job, Harry.

It's a big step up.

I just can't imagine why you want it? You.

Mitchell, every traveling salesman keeps a book

where he writes down every mile as he travels it.

I came to the last page in my book

on a plane between Kansas City and Chicago.

I said to myself, "Harry Mork, it's time

you came down to earth."

You know, these Mother's Day designs are very good.

Just enough sentiment.

- Oh, thank you. - To coming down to earth.

Right.

You know, I like the, uh, get-wells and the birthdays.

Oh, what's this, uh, anniversary here?

You've drawn the wife with half a head.

Is that meant to be funny?

No, that's the way I see wives.

But it's not the way the husbands see them.

They buy the cards.

This is the first time you've ever come into this apartment

and started talking business.

Why are you staying at a hotel?

I'm getting married, Mitchell..

...on the 23rd of this month in Altoona, PA.

She's a widow.

That's not coming down to earth, Harry.

That's a crash landing.

How can a man come down to earth with a woman

he can't even call by her first name, hmm?

By all means, call me Daphne.

If you can do it with a straight face.

I went into a stationery store in Altoona..

...and there was Phyllis at the greeting cards.

And I watched her to see if she'd pick out one of ours.

Doing my job, you know.

And sure enough, she did.

A 24G 52J.

- Happy birthday, dear cousin. - Right.

Then she picked out a happy birthday, dear niece

nephew, another cousin

an uncle, and an aunt.

You know, on Thanksgiving

she cooks for 28 people.

Yeah, 28 people.

I said, "Ma'am, I'm psychic, I can tell you what it says

inside of every one of those cards without even looking."

And she said, "You can't."

I said, "Alright.

If I can, will you marry me?"

Well, of course, she thought she was on safe ground and said yes.

Maybe I could understand your marrying one person, Harry

but not 28.

Well, that's what I'm gonna do.

This is you, Harry, this fraternity ring.

Fun and games, on the loose.

Now, look what happens when you turn it around.

Becomes a wedding band.

It is the same ring. Feels fine.

What do we do now? Shake hands and say goodbye?

Well, it would be nice if you could

squeeze out one little tear.

We must have lunch together sometimes.

Oh, that's very nice. Yes, I'd like to.

You understand in New York

lunch is different from noon hour.

During noon hour, you go to the bank

buy a pair of shoes, or even eat.

Lunch is another matter.

I know a man with a wife and three children in Scarsdale

who keeps a permanent hotel room

just for lunch.

You must come here.

I guess I've just been talking to myself.

Mix us another martini. Then I'll get breakfast.

Yeah.

Hello.

Yes.

Well, I know this sounds improbable

but I know two Walter Clarks.

One with an E, one without.

Which are you?

Oh, now, I've got you straight.

You're the fun one.

Lunch? I'd love to.

Why don't you come here?

I have some eggs and things I didn't use for breakfast.

Cabby!

'Harry Mork!'

Congratulations, Harry, I'm to spend

the next few days showing you the ropes.

- Oh, thanks, Peterson. - Let's get you checked in.

- Okay. - 'Paging Mr. Milton Feldman.'

I'm Harry Mork. I wired ahead for a room.

Good thing you did, Mr. Mork, with all these conventions.

I'm sorry I kept you waiting, Peterson, but, uh

the train was late and I had trouble

getting a taxi, and you know the traffic.

In New York, if you make one excuse for being late

they believe you. If you make two, they doubt you.

If you make three, they start sniffing

for the scent of martinis.

I don't know why I didn't admit it in the first place.

I had to stop off and see a friend.

If you make four excuses, they'll send you

back to the road.

I wanna let my wife know I got here.

- Oh, excuse me. - 325 for Mr. Mork.

I'll take Mr. Mork's bag.

- I didn't know you had a wife. - I will on the 23rd.

Yes, I hope this is the last time I have to stay in a hotel.

Coming down to earth, that's me.

Send a straight wire, will you, please?

'Sure.'

Let me show you. Excuse me.

- There's Phyllis. - She's quite a tomato.

Yeah, I met her in Altoona.

Who's the little boy with her?

That's her little boy. Mylittle boy now.

Would you just look at that face? Do you see that?

Can you imagine the fun I'm gonna have watching that kid

grow up, and seeing him go out on his first date and..

Are you looking for a handout?

- Where did you get my bags? - Here's your key.

What are you doing with that?

- I'm Patrick. - You're what?

- Patrick. - You-you mean, thisPatrick.

Well, that was taken when I was about 13.

I suppose the tomato from Altoona let you think

I was still 13.

Uh, she said this was an old snapshot

but I thought it was taken last summer maybe.

I was13. She liked me very much then.

Eh, um, aren't you, uh, in school up in Massachusetts?

- Way up. - Well, how did you get here?

I have this car I bought. Don't-don't tell her.

I mean, is it okay if I and you have

one or two things we don't tell her?

Yeah, no, I mean, I mean, what are you doing here?

She said in this letter you were coming to New York.

- Mm-hmm. - I-I got in last night.

It's very stimulating mentally to stand around a hotel

and try to pick out your father by deductive reasoning.

You mean you-you came all this way just to see me?

Mm-hmm.

Peterson, I want you to meet my son. This is Patrick.

Hmm. I'll be at the magazine counter.

Yeah.

This friend of mine bet you'd call me Pat from the start.

It's as though I'd call you dad.

I mean you'd think I was some kind of a nut if..

...if I called you dad.

Well, that's the way I think of myself, I, uh..

Lookie here, you'd think I..

Hey, wanna knock around in this car I bought?

Oh, I-I would like to.

I-I've gotta go to office with Mr. Peterson here.

Well, I can get you both in this car I bought.

Oh, you can, but you see, this is a very important day for me.

You know, I've got this big promotion, you know

and I'm going-going to be tied up, uh, quite a bit.

Uh, aren't you gonna get into trouble when you go back

to school for playing hooky?

You're not, huh?

Well, I-I tell you what, as soon as, uh, I finish my business

here, which will probably be, I think, tomorrow

uh, I'll, uh, pop b-back to Altoona, pick up your mom

and then we'll pop on up and have a nice weekend together.

Hmm? How does that strike you?

You know, I-I-I'll never forget this..

...son. Yeah.

That's alright.

D-do I have time for a shave?

- I'll, uh, wait for you here. - Alright.

'Paging Mr. George Bard.'

'George Bard.'

Good morning, Mr. Grove. My name is Evie Jackson.

I'm here for the postmasters' convention.

Glad to have you with us, Miss Jackson.

Are there any messages for me?

"Welcome to New York. Bimbo Jones."

I was beginning to think I'd never hear from Bimbo Jones.

I'm gonna save this to show them back home.

721 for Miss Jackson.

You look as if your name would be Donald.

- Jerry. - Well.

Oh, Jerry, will you wait just a minute?

'Paging Mr. Robert Turner.'

'Mr. Robert Turner.'

'Paging Mr. Robert Turner.'

'Mr. Robert Turner.'

Thank you.

'Miss Evie Jackson, please.'

'Paging Miss Jackson.'

'Miss Evie Jackson, please.' Paging Miss Jackson.'

- Hey, Shorty, over here. - 'Miss Evie Jackson, please.'

'Paging Miss Jackson. Miss Evie Jackson, please.'

Paging Miss Jackson.

Miss Evie Jackson, please. Paging Miss Jackson.

- Shorty. I'm Miss Jackson. - Yes.

Oh, there's a lady waiting for you

in the coffee shop right through that door.

Oh, thank you, Shorty. I enjoyed that very much.

Thank you.

I wonder could you wait for me?

- I'll be at the elevator. - Oh, I'd appreciate that.

Connie.

Mmm. Evie, you didn't.

Oh, I wanna show 'em back home.

- Connie. - Oh!

- Connie, it is good to see you. - It is good to see you. Mmm.

Now tell me all the news 'cause I've to leave this minute.

I'm only on coffee break. You want some coffee?

Miss, may we have another coffee, please?

I've been hoping for years that we'd have

our convention in New York.

I could tell from your letter that you wanted to stay with me.

You out-of-towners think we have nothing but beds.

But believe me, you'd spend a fortune on taxis.

You're much better off here at the hotel.

Incidentally, you sent that letter to the wrong name.

- It's Templeton now. - Are you married again?

And divorced again. Didn't you ever marry at all?

- Say that again. - Didn't you ever marry at all?

I like your accent.

Would you ever guess we came from the same town back in Ohio?

Miss, we ordered another coffee.

- Why didn't you say so? - I did say so.

- I'm getting it. - You weren't getting it.

- I am now. - Just get it.

I am.

Oh, did you want that regular?

No, I'd like a little milk, please.

Evie, in New York, that's what regular is.

I'm getting it.

For heaven's sake, just drink it black, Evie, please.

And please calm down and tell me the news.

Well, uh, Pauline's had her baby.

- Pauline who? - My sister.

- You remember Pauline. - Oh, marvelous.

Oh, miss, would you please, um

give us the check if you don't mind?

- 'I'm getting it.' - I wanna pay this.

- Oh, you're the visitor. - Oh, that's just why.

- Put your money away. - Oh, you put yours away.

- Oh, no, this is my treat. - I insist. It's mine.

Evie, you always did have to go on too long.

Alright, but remember, next time, it's my turn.

Oh, Evie, I've got to run.

I know you're gonna be all tied up while you're here

with meetings but I hope you can squeeze me in some place.

Now I'm, I'll leave it to you because you're the busy one.

Connie, how sorry I am that Bimbo Jones didn't work out.

- Who is Bimbo Jones? - Don't you remember?

We made him up. He was the man we were gonna marry.

How awful it must have been to have two marriages go wrong.

Oh, actually, it was three, only the middle one didn't count.

Now call me. I'm in the book.

'Paging Miss Dorothy Alldren.'

And, uh, what kind of a last name

goes with a first name like June?

- Loveland. - Huh?

Loveland. Is there anything so wrong with that?

No, I just couldn't believe my good fortune, geographically.

It used to be Frink.

Hmm. Do you know what those hands are sweeping up to?

- 12:30? - No, Miss Loveland, lunch.

I knew a lunch once that went on for three days.

Say, I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

Oh, June Loveland, meet Harry Mork.

I'm, uh, teaching him the ropes.

Uh, how about lunch, hmm?

I'm just trying to persuade Miss Loveland to join us.

Yes, I know that rope, Peterson.

It's the one you hang yourself with.

Well, let's go. I'm hungry, hmm?

Did you ever notice that you and this movie star

have the same hairdo? Isn't that a coincidence?

You want the magazine?

Where do you have your hair done?

- Over there. - Thank you.

Will you help me move this chair over by the window, Jerry?

Oh, certainly.

Oh, I see.

It was covering a worn spot in the carpet.

Well, can you imagine a big hotel like this being sensitive

about a worn spot in the carpet?

I'm glad it's there.

You know, when I came in that lobby downstairs

I said to myself, "Now, why did they have to put us

in such an elegant hotel?"

When things are too grand, you know, people don't loosen up.

- Would you hold this for me? - Oh, sure.

Let's see.

Oh, well, I'll have to think about that.

Um, thank you, Jerry.

Now, you're gonna make somebody a wonderful husband.

Thank you, Miss Jackson.

You sound as if your name would be Virginia.

Well, Marie, uh, would you connect me

with Mr. Philip's beauty salon off the lobby, please?

Hello, this is Miss Jackson.

Miss Evie Jackson.

I was recommended to you by a very dear friend of mine

a Miss June Loveland.

Yes, she's a beautiful girl.

I knew her when her name was Frink.

Can you take me this afternoon?

Thank you. I'll be there.

Forty watts.

'Paging Mr. Roy Fitzgerald.'

'Mr. Roy Fitzgerald.'

My key, please, 325.

- Your son took it, Mr. Mork. - My son?

I saw him with you this morning. I assumed it was alright.

Oh, yes, yes, uh, anytime he wants it.

Come on in!

Well, hello, son.

Uh, I-I thought you'd gone back to school.

I was just putting your things away in the bureau drawers.

See, your shirts are over here, and your socks are over here.

Well, now, I'm not so sure about that, uh, son.

Uh, see, I-I'm used to living out of a suitcase.

It's the only way I know where things are.

You better change, the tomato from Altoona

likes things put away.

Oh! Well, put 'em away.

This friend of mine, Zola, said she bet you'd have red hair.

Actually, that's just a rationalization

for the fact that her own father has red hair.

And she doesn't ever wanna see him again.

She says he's old enough to take care of himself.

Zola doesn't believe in fathers.

Pat, you know, I just can't wait to meet your friends

and take part in your activities, and..

There's a girl in there.

Oh, that's this friend of mine, Zola.

Emile Zola Bernkrant. She goes to Bennington.

Uh, what's she doing in my bathroom?

They don't care where you are at Bennington.

Uh, she's taking a bath.

Last night, we slept in this car I bought.

So she felt like washing up.

Actually, that's just a rationalization for the fact

that she wanted to take her clothes off with me around.

Pat, you can't go around sleeping in cars with girls.

I spent all my money on this car I bought

so I couldn't afford a hotel.

Well, now, if you, if you need money, why don't you say so?

I mean, I mean, that, that's what..

...dads are for.

I'm not gonna give you money for a hotel.

Zola doesn't believe in money.

Pat, you just can't go around sleeping with girls at all.

- Haven't you ever? - You..

You just march right in there and you tell that girl

to put her clothes on. Right now.

- Okay. - Mmm.

You can't go in there. What do you think this is?

Emile Zola, put your clothes on.

All we did was sleep.

Oh, that's a subject I thought I and you could kick around.

I don't wanna hear anymore about it.

You mean, you don't wanna take part in this activity?

I apologize, Pat. Of course, I'm interested in your problems.

And-and I want to do everything I can to help you

but-but let's be calm, hmm?

And, uh, suppose you and I, we sit down here

and you tell me as simply and as clearly as you can

just what the problem is.

How long does a guy wait before he gives in?

Uh, look, Pat, um, I-I don't quite know what to say, you see.

When I was your age, the guy chased the girl.

You know, the-the decision was up to her.

That's a very stimulating piece of Americana.

You-you just can't ask me about things like this. I..

Wh-what did you expect me to ask about?

Uh, well, about, uh, baseball..

...uh, algebra..

...and stamp collections.

You and the tomato from Altoona--

Now, stop calling your mother that.

You've got to set her straight on a few things.

I bet she gave you that photo on purpose.

Because that's how she thinks of me. Thirteen.

Uh, last Christmas, I asked for an electric razor.

What would I want with a thing like that, she asked.

I thought I'd show her.

I-I'm not a beat or anything if that's what you thought.

I'm just showing the tomato from Altoona

what I want with an electric razor.

She is not a tomato.

Squeeze her and see what happens.

Wh-what are you trying to do? Turn me against her?

You've just got to set her straight.

Something has got to be done about me.

Okay.

Excuse me.

Hmm.

One more.

Thanks.

Now, if I hadn't been interested and read Mabel Stone's mail

then she wouldn't have been spared a night of mortal agony.

I'm afraid that comes under the heading of interfering

just plain meddling.

Well, Mabel Stone would not agree.

Now, you see, Stu agrees with me.

He's on my side.

Of course, I'm on your side, Mr. Cruikshank.

I'm just trying to loosen you up.

- I must get back to my duties. - Oh!

Room 602, Evie. Midnight.

Spare me a night of mortal agony.

I'll be there.

I don't like him saying that to you, Evie.

Here, you hold my glasses.

- I'll take this. - Oh, thank you.

- You look wonderful, Evie. - Do I, Frank?

Very glamorous.

- Missed me last year? - In Columbus?

The last minute, Katherine went into the hospital.

- Another baby. - Oh, how many does that make?

- Five. - You never told me how many.

Is Katherine here?

No, she, uh, waves goodbye and says, "Enjoy yourself."

- And she means it. - I see.

- Have dinner with me, Evie. - Oh, will you excuse me, Frank?

I-I promised Mr. Cruikshank I'd keep an eye

on the exhibits for him.

Oh, Millicent, Stu's giving away his room key again.

Oh, well, I guess the convention's under way.

You better hold Herb's glasses, Veronica.

I guess Herb's under way.

I like your wig.

- I brought you a fresh drink. - No, thanks.

Seems a long time since Chicago, doesn't it?

Oh, not such a long time that it's forgotten, Frank

in case you thought that.

Will you have dinner with me tonight?

Why not?

Maybe I found myself a new beau.

- Who? - Will Mr. Cruikshank do?

Oh, he's a very serious man

and he doesn't have a wife.

Oh!

Is Katherine on your mind? Is that it?

Does she know what she's doing when she waves goodbye

and says, "Enjoy yourself?"

Yes.

Well, then she's on my mind

as much as I'm on hers.

Evie, don't you know you're a nice woman?

Are you afraid you're not?

Well, being nice has nothing to do with it.

A woman starts off wanting everything.

And when she finds she can't have it

she starts wanting less and less.

Or pretending to.

Then she reaches a point in..

...Chicago or someplace..

...where she settles for what she can have..

...and thinks it will be enough.

She's still nice.

She's just..

...unrealistic.

What is everything?

It's not a hotel in Chicago... or New York.

Oh, you're wrong, Evie. It is.

It's what everything else in the whole damn world is getting at.

It's the best page in the book.

But you can't just read that one page.

It doesn't make any sense by itself.

It's just nothing.

I don't want nothing.

That doesn't even sound like very good English.

Alright, Evie.

Will you excuse me, Frank?

I promised Mr. Cruikshank

I'd-I'd help out at the reception desk.

At least let me show you the sights.

I don't like the idea of you wandering around the city alone.

Isn't that funny?

Husbands always feel that way about me.

Other men say, "Evie can take care of herself.

Let's not worry about her."

But the minute they become husbands

they all wanna look after me.

Thank you very much, Frank.

I'm quite able to buy my own ticket

to the Empire State Building.

- Hi, Evie. - Hi, Evie.

Oh, hi there, Evie.

Well, Miss Jackson, I suppose you're enjoying New York.

Oh, yes, Miss Tait. Aren't you?

You can't ever find the public conveniences.

Even if you do, chances are they're locked.

Don't ever go to that one off the lobby.

They've got a person there you have to tip.

Oh, where is Miss King? I haven't seen her this year.

Miss King is no longer with us.

- Oh, what happened? - Some man married her.

We thought maybe you'd pal around with us

this year, Miss Jackson.

I hear there's a great movie at that Radio City Music Hall.

Well, I'm afraid, as a matter of fact

I'm having dinner with Mr. Cruikshank.

- Our Mr. Cruikshank? - He-he left me a message.

I'm gonna save it to show 'em back home.

- Excuse me. Bye. - Sure.

Do you know I have a psychic thing?

I don't wanna see it.

I...I can tell you what it says inside of every one

of those greeting cards without even looking.

Go ahead, if that's your idea of a big time.

Well, if I can, will you go out with me?

That's a stupid reason for going out with somebody.

What's this one say?

Well, I have to see the front of it.

Hmm. Well, what is the number on the back?

- You tell me. - No, it's on the back.

It's right on the bottom. What is it?

When do you start getting psychic?

Look, will you just tell me what is the number

on the back of the card?

35B 15O.

35B 15O. Let's see.

"To my darling wife

and our golden life of blank years."

You fill in the blank.

With what?

With the number of years you've been married.

Hey, that's cute.

Yes, sir. Thank you.

No, no. No, your staff's being very cooperative this year.

'As a matter of fact, uh, I have the list right here.'

Yes, 138 have already

signed up for Ed Sullivan.

It will probably be twice that by tomorrow

but I'm just guessing.

Oh, and you can count on 150

at least for "The Tonight Show."

Oh, alright, do the best you can.

Just let me know.

I've been keeping an eye on the exhibits

for you, Mr. Cruikshank.

I've already assigned that duty to Mrs. Sloan.

Can I fold these schedules?

Everyone has a schedule by now.

I wonder if you'd pin my badge on for me.

I can't seem to make it stay put.

Of course.

Oh, this takes me back to my school days when a beau

used to pin my corsage on before we went to a dance.

Thank you.

Oh, isn't that wonderful how they always give us

the first night off to do just what we want?

Nice dinner maybe. Go to a movie.

I'll be right here, I'm afraid.

Nothing but work for me tonight.

I shook the old man, squeaky.

Let's play house.

Uh..

- Ah! "Avalon, Ohio." - And you're..

"Hot Springs, Indiana."

Mmm, the springs are sizzling tonight.

Uh, will you begin by, uh

folding the, uh, schedules, Mrs. Sloan?

Uh, if you say so, squeaky.

If you need any extra help, Mr. Cruikshank

you just let me know.

Um..

"This little verse brings a love that sings

to the light of my life, your husband's wife."

You must have sent your wife an awful lot of anniversary cards

to know so much about them.

Uh, do I look like I'm married?

Don't come to me with your problems.

Oh, come on, June. Go out with me tonight.

If you're so psychic, tell me.

What am I gonna answer? Yes or no?

You girls all have to have some kind of game

you have to play, don't you?

I don't wanna play any games. I thought you did.

I get off in half an hour. Be here.

This way, please.

- How many, please? - Just one.

- There will be a wait. - I don't have very much time.

- Uh, two, this way, please. - Uh..

Mr. Mork, they don't like you to come in

to these places alone at rush hour.

They think they're losing money

if one person sits at a table for two.

I told the hostess that I was expecting a friend to join me.

Then when I leave, I'll apologize and say

"I can't imagine what happened to my friend."

I hate to tell a lie, but sometimes

it's the only way you get to eat.

That's a very good idea. Thank you.

Miss, uh, I have a friend joining me.

I can't imagine what's happened to him

but I will need a table for two.

Why don't you join this lady?

She can't imagine what happened to her friend either.

Two, please, this way.

Sometimes I say things too loud.

You have to watch me on that.

- May I? - Of course.

That waitress over there is ours.

You mean, the one that looks like her name would be Rita?

- Do you do that too? - I bet it is Rita.

Gertrude. Gertrude.

I recommend the pot roast, Mr. Mork.

There's not much they can do to ruin pot roast.

And mashed potatoes, the French fries

are always greasy in these places.

- How are things in Akron? - All fine, I guess.

From here that looks like Akron.

Oh, that's Avalon. But they're both in Ohio.

Funny, I've never been to Avalon.

Where do you come from?

Well, at the moment, you might say that I'm, uh

straight from Altoona, PA.

We both come from places that begin with A.

- Hmm. - I call that a coincidence.

Oh, Gertrude, this gentleman would like to see a menu.

Steak sandwich, Rita, and some French fried potatoes.

I like a man who's independent.

I like a woman who gets the point.

You don't have enough room. I'm gonna pull this table toward--

No, I'm.. Please, I'm fine. It is fine.

Well, I like to give a man plenty of room.

- Now you don't have any room-- - Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Oh, would you mind pulling forward a little bit?

Thank you.

Seattle.

You were seeing the World's Fair with your uncle.

I've never been to Seattle.

- I'm trying to place you. - We've never met, Mr. Mork.

- But you know my name. - I overheard it in the lobby.

Most people say, "I couldn't help overhearing."

But I overhear all the time on purpose.

In fact, you have to watch me on that.

Oh, I thought that you and I, we..

I-I wouldn't have sat down if I didn't think we knew each other.

I'm Evie Jackson. There. We know each other.

In fact, you remind me of someone

I used to know when I was a girl.

- Oh! - Bimbo Jones.

Bimbo? What's Bimbo short for?

Oh, somebody made it up.

Is Harry short for Henry or Harold?

No, it's just Harry.

Well, I like names to be what they are.

I'm a postmaster.

I suppose I should say postmistress

but that sounds a bit racy to me.

'What business are you in?'

I'm in, uh, greeting cards. Stationery.

That is another coincidence.

Your greeting cards must go

through my post office everyday.

Are you a salesman?

As of this morning, I'm in marketing.

- That sounds like a promotion. - It is.

Well, you ought to go out and celebrate tonight.

Yeah, that's just what I'm gonna do.

You don't sound very enthusiastic.

No, no. I'm, I'm gonna cut loose, alright.

Oh, I know what your trouble is.

You don't want to celebrate alone. It's no fun.

Well, I feel like stepping out too.

A dear, old friend of mine wanted me to come to dinner

but I said, "No, Connie. I feel like stepping out."

Are you worried about the new job?

You'll be alright.

Anyone can tell, when you take on a responsibility

you stick to it.

Yeah, sure.

What would you have to do to get service around here?

Yes, let's get on with the celebration.

You know, what I really ought to do is just, uh

go up to my room and get rested for a busy day tomorrow.

- Oh, dear. - Why? What's the matter?

Oh, I went on too long, didn't I?

You have to watch me on that.

Sometimes I get started and I just keep going.

Here I am, I'm going on too long about going on too long.

No, it's just that I-I don't have the right

to think about celebrating.

What I really should do is just go up and call my wife

and, uh, have a talk with her and then just call it a day.

You didn't think I was married, huh?

I sure don't act like a married man.

Listen, I don't feel very much like eating.

Would you excuse me?

Would you mind moving forward just a little bit?

Well, I, uh, hope we see each other again.

- You know, around the hotel. - I certainly hope so.

Goodnight.

Where did he go?

He sent himself to bed without any supper.

I like that in a person.

May I have my check, please?

Gertrude, would you wrap his steak sandwich in foil for me?

My name is Rita.

Maurice, would you take this up to Mr. Mork?

Harry Mork. He'll want it later, hon.

Yes, Miss Jackson.

I'd like some postcards, please.

Well, we have these assortments.

Twelve pictorial views.

Okay, Junesy, you can go now.

- Night. - Goodnight, Miss Loveland.

Night.

Do you want those postcards?

Uh, yes, uh, two assortments, please.

One to...mail, and one to keep.

- Where are we going? - Well, I thought that--

Look, I don't drink. I had dinner.

And I thought you were staying here at the hotel.

No, well, I can't go up there because, uh

somebody's up there, and I thought that, uh

well, why can't I take you home?

It's my roommate's turn to go home.

Mr. Mork wasn't in his room, Miss Jackson.

Are there any dogs in this hotel, Maurice?

I walked one for a gentleman in 323 about an hour ago.

Gentleman in 323. Thank you, Maurice.

I like your beard.

Mr. Weinstock, I would like to report a neglected dog in 323.

Now, thank you, Miss Jackson.

And may I speak to a woman, please?

- A native. - I beg your pardon?

Isn't there a woman back there?

Miss Carmichael, can you come out here a moment?

Miss Carmichael, I've heard of a place in this city.

A meeting hall, or social club of some kind

where people who are over six feet tall

can become acquainted with each other.

You know, people who wouldn't ordinarily

have a chance to meet.

Of course, I'm not six feet tall

but I 'm pretty tall just the same.

Never heard of it.

Now you stand here and look in this window.

But I don't wanna look at a lot of men's underwear.

Just stand here and count to 50. Fifty, you understand?

And then walk into the, uh, Metropolitan Hotel.

I'll be waiting there for you.

Good evening, uh, my wife and I are between trains

and we'd like to have a room just for this evening.

Uh, she's quite tired because we have been on the train

for three days and there's another one ahead of us.

Sure.

Oh, our luggage is already checked through

so you don't have to send the boy up with us.

- Uh, just give me the key. - That will be $12.

Uh, my wife will be along any minute.

Uh, something probably caught her eye in a store window

and, uh, she gets.. You know how women are.

Uh, and what city in California, Mr. Jones?

Uh, Ca-California?

Well, if you've been on the train for three days

I assumed California.

Oh, uh, uh, Avalon.

And, uh, what's the first name, Mr. Jones?

- Uh, Bimbo. - Uh, how's that?

Well, it's, uh, it's made up.

I mean, one of the family made it up.

Uh, then, uh, you'd better write it on the register, Mr. Jones.

I can't imagine what's, uh, keeping my wife.

Here's your key.

She's looking forward to getting away

from the vibration, you know.

I better go see what's keeping her.

- What are you doing? - I'm counting.

N-now, I have the key, you see.

The, uh, elevator is on the far end of the lobby.

Now, that might seem like a long distance to you

so you take my arm and lean on it

because you're supposed to be tired.

And we'll just walk through

as though you do it everyday of your life.

- Hi, Marvin. - Hi, June.

Paging Miss Evie Jackson.

Miss Evie Jackson, please.

Paging Miss Evie Jackson.

He's been paging that woman for 20 minutes.

Somebody must wanna find her very much.

- Your change. - Thank you.

Thank you very much. Goodnight.

Bye.

'Miss Evie Jackson, please.'

'Paging Miss Evie Jackson.'

'Miss Jackson, please.'

Vernon.

I'm going up to my room now, Vernon.

- Goodnight, Miss Jackson. - Thank you.

♪ ...light of the silvery moon ♪

♪ I want to spoon ♪

♪ To my honey I'll croon love's tune ♪♪

Isn't it funny how we always have to push

an elevator button for ourselves?

We just can't believe somebody else has already pushed it.

I just thought that was interesting.

'Seven, Chester.'

Floor?

Seven.

Seven out.

Are you alright?

Why don't you say something?

Should I get help?

Is there anything I can do?

Oh. There's nothing wrong with you at all.

Oh, I, uh..

I-I think you've made a mistake.

Listen, honey, I've been riding

in hotel elevators all my life.

I know all the types.

721, right?

If you're thinking of screaming

or ringing for the elevator

you just remember, you're the one who spoke to me.

They've got an ugly name for that in public places.

Why don't you just ask me in?

♪ ...sailing along ♪ ♪ Sailing along ♪

♪ On Moonlight Bay ♪

♪ We could hear the voices.. ♪♪

Oh!

Mr. Murk.

- What is it? - A man.

Did somebody get fresh with you?

You know, you-you really shouldn't be wandering

around here alone, Miss Jackson.

Well, thank you for your interest.

It almost amounts to concern.

- You're alright, aren't you? - I don't think I am.

Well, I 'll sit here with you for a minute.

Oh, you better not, you might get involved in something

and you wouldn't want that, nobody wants that.

- Oh! - Hmm?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Do you want your..

...steak sandwich now?

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Are there any messages for, uh, 325?

No, nothing, sir.

Did a couple of kids pass through here tonight?

There's a boy with, um..

...a beard.

Lots of kids pass through.

- Well, may I have my key? - Oh!

Well, it's not here. Don't you have it?

Uh, no, uh, I guess my son does.

♪ A postman broke up with his sweetheart ♪

♪ He said to her how did I fail ♪

♪ She said I don't think you're a postman ♪

♪ You're only a stamp in my scale ♪♪

Did you go to the Statue Of Liberty?

I intend to.

I guess they want us to go to bed.

Still pretty lively in there.

The get-together must have been put out of the Stuyvesant Room.

- What? - Those are postmasters.

H-how can you tell?

Well, listen to what they're singing.

♪ Cause if we were playing post office ♪

♪ I 'd send all my letters to you ♪♪

Why aren't you in there having a good time with them?

I've reached a point where I can get together just so long.

What does that old song make you think of?

That old song doesn't make me think of anything.

Well, it's about a man who is writing a letter to his wife

giving her all the news.

What are you getting at?

I was just wondering if you wrote your wife

a letter tonight or called her on the telephone.

Why are you kidding me?

I don't think you've got a wife.

- Come on, I'll buy you a drink. - Oh, you don't have to do that.

Can't you tell the difference between a real invitation?

- Alright, thank you. - I'll carry your plant for you.

- Be careful. It's sharp. - Oh, yes.

Oh!

- Drink up. It's getting late. - Has anyone seen my badge?

Evie, Evie, Evie. You're here, are you?

This is Stubby from East Paris, Illinois.

♪ I wish we were playing post office ♪

Hi, Evie.

- Uh, White Springs, Indiana. - Hi.

- Nice to meet you. - And this is Sulphur Springs.

- Hi, there. How are you? - And Yellow Springs.

- Hello. - And I'm Hot Springs.

You're through with that, aren't you, dear?

Ah! I'm not through with it.

- Pottstown, Ohio. - Evie.

- Nice to see you. - Oh, and West Falls--

Well, I mean, uh, Fiddler's Falls, West Virginia.

Zanzibar, Kentucky needs a place to sleep.

- Has anyone seen my badge? - Oh!

Who's got a bed for Zanzibar, Kentucky?

Everybody in this bar, go to bed.

Well, this is Harry Mork.

- Harry Mork. - Oh, Harry.

Hey, he needs a badge.

♪ I wish we were playing post office ♪

♪ Like all little boys and girls do ♪

♪ 'Cause if we were playing post office ♪

There's my badge.

♪ I'd send all my letters to you ♪

♪ Kiss me kiss me ♪

♪ I don't even care if there's postage due ♪

♪ Kiss me kiss me ♪♪

It's a big day tomorrow.

Everybody, please go to bed.

Now it's your turn, Evie, to sing. Ready? There you go.

♪ A girl changed her clothes by the window ♪

Come on, Evie.

♪ A boy over there to impress ♪

♪ And now we all know she is married ♪

♪ Because of her change of a dress ♪

♪ Kiss me kiss me ♪

♪ I don't even care if there's postage due ♪

♪ Kiss me kiss me ♪

♪ And I will forever be true ♪♪

'Zanzibar, Kentucky needs a place to sleep.'

Zanzibar, Kentucky needs a bed.

♪ A bride who just couldn't stop talking ♪

♪ Her mother had sadly revealed ♪

♪ Came home marked return to sender ♪

♪ Her flap was improperly sealed ♪

♪ Kiss me kiss me ♪

♪ I don't even care if there's postage due ♪

♪ Kiss me kiss me ♪

♪ And I will forever be true ♪♪

Don't worry, Zanzibar. I'll find a bed for you.

I want every postmaster out of here

by the time I count ten.

I'm not a postmaster.

I'm a dentist.

You're at the wrong convention.

People.

People?

Go to bed.

♪ Came home marked return to sender ♪

♪ Her flap was improperly sealed ♪♪

Did you save your stirrer for me?

Oh, that's a hard word to say.

- Say stirrer for me, Harry. - Stirrer.

Well, did you save your stirrer, Harry?

- I wanna show them back home. - I'll get it for you.

Oh, no, I can get another one tomorrow.

- I'll pretend I got it tonight. - Alright.

- What floor are you on? - 325.

- I mean three. - Another coincidence.

I'm in 721.

Evie, why is that a coincidence?

Well, we have almost the same room on different floors.

I think that if you take anything

that seems to happen on purpose

you'll find that it's made up of a lot of coincidences.

Yeah.

Oh, Evie.

Three is for Mr. Mork, Chester, and seven for me.

I thought you went up, Miss Jackson.

I came down again.

Three out.

Uh, I'll go on up to seven.

I wanna see Miss Jackson to her door.

Well, that man might, uh

still be prowling around the hall, you know.

And I.. You know.

Can you see the river from your room?

I don't think I'm high enough.

It's a beautiful sight.

Seven out.

Goodnight again, Chester.

I wanna see Miss Jackson to her door.

Would you mind waiting a second?

This ain't no taxi, Mr. Mork.

This is my room.

Uh, I 'll, I'll wait till you're inside the door.

Oh, I'll wait till you get your taxi..

- I mean, your elevator back. - I don't mind waiting alone.

Well, nothing else to do.

I wanna see you safely inside.

I wanna see that you get your elevator back.

Chester was very rude.

He might leave you standing out here all night.

Now, you've got to stop that, Evie.

Now, you tell me what to have for dinner.

You press the elevator button.

You tell the boy where we get off.

Now, you've got to stop it.

Now, we will wait for each other.

I guess I shouldn't talk to you like that, huh?

I enjoyed it.

You enjoy being told off?

Sounded as if you thought

I was going to have a chance to improve.

Oh!

But I guess we won't be

seeing each other again, will we?

Oh, we may bump into each other.

Coincidentally.

I guess I better walk down, huh?

- Oh, look, Harry. - 'What?'

- All the parties are over. - Yeah.

Did you ever notice how much you can tell

about out-of-towners by what they leave outside their doors?

Tapioca and a glass of milk.

There's a delicate stomach in 723.

- Yeah. - Oh, and look at that one.

- 'What?' - A big empty bottle.

One glass and no ice.

I guess we know what kind of evening he's had, or she.

No, must be a man. There's no lipstick on the glass.

Oh, a woman alone in a hotel room

wouldn't put on lipstick for an evening like that.

- I don't know about that. - Oh, my.

What did they put in those drinks downstairs?

- A little woozy, huh? - Oh!

And I was just thinking that could happen to any of us.

Now, this one isn't gonna tell us a thing.

Oh, secretive.

Nothing, or else they're just neat.

Well, secretive people are neat.

You get a kick out of people, don't you?

As much as they let me.

Who's to stop you?

Well, that's all most people give you, Harry.

Loose ends outside the door for you to guess at.

What if somebody were to unlock the door

and say, "Here I am, come on in."

Why do you ask that?

What if they said, "You've got to help me."

I'd step right in.

But what if they said

"Something's got to be done about me."

And you didn't know what to do?

Well, they'd have to let me unlock my door too.

Now, would you look at that here?

Hey, this-this is an English fella.

It's his first trip.

Boy, is he in for a disappointment.

Now, there, that one there, you-you can't tell me

a thing about this one.

No cozy snack, no need for it.

Straight to bed. Straight to sleep.

- "Do not disturb." - Right.

Hey, what are you doing, Evie?

I wanna see what somebody looks like

who hasn't got a care in the world.

- You-- - I wanna wake 'em up.

Oh, Miss Tait.

- What is it, Miss Jackson? - Is that Miss Jackson?

Oh, good evening, Miss Fox.

Well, it's 3 o'clock in the morning, Miss Jackson.

Are you in some kind of trouble, Miss Jackson?

Oh, I just wondered if you'd enjoyed

the, uh, Radio City Music Hall.

Go back to bed, Miss Tait. You too, Miss Fox.

Sleep well.

- They're after me, you know. - What for?

Oh, a fourth at bridge, getting tables in restaurants.

There comes a time when women band together.

Sometimes, they don't even call each other by their first names

because they're not even friends.

- Evie. - Yes, Harry?

Down, please.

I'd like to take you to the Statue Of Liberty tomorrow.

I have sessions.

- Cut them. - Down, Mr. Mork.

Come back in a minute, can't you?

I just wanna see the sights, that's all.

But there's someone else you'd rather take.

No.

Not even that pretty girl

at the magazine counter?

Does it shock you?

I mean, that girl and me.

A postmaster's public image is one of detachment.

See what they teach us at these conventions?

Well, I'll tell you it shocks me.

And I 'd be very pleased if you..

...liked me enough to be shocked too.

Go on, Evie. Give me hell.

If a woman likes a man, she doesn't wanna give him hell.

Shh!

Evie!

My plant.

- Her plant, her plant. - Be careful of the..

Goodnight, Harry.

Goodnight, Harry!

♪ Kiss me kiss me ♪

♪ I don't even care if there's postage due ♪

♪ Kiss me kiss me ♪

Goodnight, Evie.

♪ And I will forever be true ♪

♪ Kiss me kiss me ♪

♪ I don't even care if there's.. ♪♪

Pat?

- 'Operator.' - Room 721, please.

- 'Yes, sir.' - 'Hello.'

- Evie? - 'Yes.'

I really do wanna take you to the Statue of Liberty.

You see, a man decides to cut loose

for one reason or another so...so he does.

But, uh, that doesn't clear any air for him.

He just wants to finish his business and get back to Altoona

and because he still has time left in the town

and he has to see someone so.

Uh, I'll meet you at 9:30 in the lobby

under the Welcome Postmasters sign.

Right.

Can you get me out of here by 9:30?

- With talcum. - Right.

Pat? Is that you?

I thought you'd gone back to school.

No, just to this all-night movie.

They change the bill at 3 a.m.

So if you go in at the right time, you know

you can see four pictures while you sleep.

You had it shaved off for me, didn't you?

Zola says I've got a father fixation without a father.

Oh, you have a father and he's glad to see you.

I think Zola's on the verge of being drastic about me.

She's in the lobby now looking up psychiatrists

in the yellow pages and she doesn't even believe in them.

I apologize for yesterday afternoon, Pat

but I figured out what happened.

It was as though I was standing in the corridor of a hotel

and you suddenly unlocked your door and you said, "Help me."

But, uh, you've got to let me unlock my door too.

You-you understand?

If you haven't unlocked your door

how did you get in the corridor?

Y-you gotta help me to help you, Pat.

What's your problem?

My problem is that I-I don't know

anything about your problem.

I've got hundreds.

Let's take them one at a time.

I've been waiting for you to come along

ever since I reached the age of puberty.

Do wanna kick that around for a while?

It was a very stimulating age for me.

Think of it, the two of us getting shaved

right next to each other.

Let's I and you knock around in this car I bought, huh?

Oh, well, uh, I'd-I'd like to very much, Pat.

But I have this appointment at 9:30

and it's-it's pretty important.

Wait till I tell Zola.

I've been rejected already today

by a father I haven't even gotten.

Well, I have this appointment, and I just can't..

Alright, son.

Uh, we'll spend the day together

just I and you looking for an apartment, huh?

A-a home for us.

You see, your mother and I are gonna be living together here

and, uh, sort of coming down to earth, you know.

- I'll wait for you outside. - Yeah.

Don't pay for the shave. It's on me.

I-I already signed your name for it.

Oh, well, then, while you're waiting, why don't you have

a nice breakfast? You can sign my name for that.

- Zola too? - Zola too.

We already did.

- Do you have a telephone? - Yes, I do.

Oh, good.

Uh, room, uh, 721, please.

- That's Miss Evie Jackson. - 'Yes.'

Oh? Uh, well, uh, give me the front desk, will you?

Miss Jackson? Yes, she was here a few minutes ago.

Thought the hotel would like to know that

Macy's is having a white sale.

Yes, I 'll leave a message for her.

Oh, well, just tell her that Mr. Mork called

and something suddenly came up, he can't make it.

- 'Yes, sure.' - Thank you.

'Well, hearts to the ten.'

- 'Well..' - 'Lovely.'

'You better come with us next summer'

Miss Jackson, or you'll miss a lot of fun.

Oh, we get off the train at 2:55 a.m. in Las Vegas

and go straight to the tables.

Straight to the tables.

And we don't have to spend a lot of money for a hotel room.

That's because I've got a cousin in a convent out there.

She says we can move right in.

But Miss Tait, those girls go to bed at 9 o'clock

and they don't have TV.

My cousin says that we can have a key of our own

and come and go as we please.

Straight to the tables.

Evie.

Excuse me.

Don't go away, Miss Jackson.

Sorting and handling at 4 o'clock.

Excuse me. I found an apartment this afternoon.

No trouble at all.

I didn't know you were looking for one.

Didn't I tell you?

Well, we talked a lot last night

but it seems this morning, uh, we'd said very little.

I gotta catch the evening train.

Oh, you're very brave renting an apartment like that.

Your wife should have seen it before you did anything.

She might not like it.

I like it.

But she's the one who have to be in it

most of the time and, uh, take care of it.

Oh, there you go again kidding about my wife.

I'm not kidding.

A man never knows what a woman wants.

Oh, would you like to see the apartment?

Well, how would I know what your wife likes?

- Well, you're another woman. - Thank you.

We made our one club, partner.

Time to go in, Miss Jackson.

Evie, what's your address?

Would you really write to me?

Why, of course, I would.

Send it in care of Postmaster, Avalon, Ohio.

Cut your meeting.

I cut one meeting today, and that's enough.

This morning, while I waited for you.

Well, didn't you get my message?

Something came up. I had to go out.

Are there any messages for 721?

"Mr. Mork says he can't make it. Something came up."

Yeah.

I'm not used to getting messages from other people, that is.

I didn't even think to ask.

I'm going to save this to show them back home.

I tried to find you first, Evie.

I was in the bar.

At 8:30 in the morning?

I was getting a stirrer to remember last night by.

Oh!

They'll be closing the doors, Miss Jackson.

What time is the meeting over?

Oh, I.. You'll be gone by then, so..

- I'll say goodbye. - Look.

I'll always think of you, Harry

whenever I see an Altoona postmark.

I'll wait for you.

There's this another train in the morning.

Oh, I was just kidding about the apartment.

I'm sure anything you picked out would be fine.

Oh, I, I'd like to stay over.

- You want to? - Mm-hmm.

I'd-I'd just like to stay over, that's all.

'Miss Jackson.'

Will I see you later, hmm?

Alright.

Uh, listen, I just checked out.

Could I have my room back for another night?

Sorry, Mr. Mork, it's taken already.

Oh, well, it wasn't ten minutes ago.

- It's all these conventions. - Hm.

Maybe something will open up later on.

Well, listen, is there any place

that I could check these bags in?

- At the magazine counter. - The-the what..

'...Mr. George Bard.'

Uh, there's no other place, huh?

Miss Loveland will take care of you.

Yeah.

Thank you.

'Weren't you taken with the man from Utica?'

"The postal employee's position is a trust."

I'm glad he said that, it gives you the feeling

that you're spending your life on something worthwhile.

Evie. Here I am.

- Oh! - You ready to go?

Uh, excuse me, ladies.

Don't forget the Awards Banquet, 7:30, Miss Jackson.

Oh, I'll see you there, Miss Tait. Save me a seat.

Oh, I didn't think you'd be here.

Oh, I said I'd be here, didn't I?

Well, I thought you'd change your mind.

It's a way I have of avoiding disappointment.

Could I leave my suitcase in your room maybe?

Of course.

Down, please.

- Chester can do it for you. - Right.

Hey, would you have somebody, uh, leave these things

in Miss Jackson's room for me? It's room, uh, 721.

- Thank you. - Sure thing.

What's Chester gonna think?

What?

Let him think what he wants.

Now, don't tell me which house it is.

Back home, I always know where I am.

It's nice not to know for a change.

- That one. - Right the first time.

Oh, and there's a nice, little restaurant next door.

That will be very convenient.

Come on. I'll show you.

- Harry. - Hmm.

You remember when you were little

and you knew you were going to get a wonderful present.

You wanted to put off the moment as long as you could

to give yourself time to enjoy looking forward to it.

How did you know that?

Can't we go in there for a minute?

Yeah. Why not, huh? I'm cold.

Where are you?

Evie, you can at least let a guy

open the door for you.

Oh!

Thank you.

- Two, please. - Table--

You tell him.

Uh, we'd like to sit for a while.

Perhaps have a glass of wine.

Please, follow me.

Fine.

Oh, there's a little garden out back.

Can we sit out there?

I'm sorry.

Harry, ask him if we can sit out there?

At this time of the year?

Oh, I forgot. You said you were cold.

The lady wants to sit in the garden.

Uh, can we..

Thank you.

Since the lady insists on sitting out here

perhaps she would like something hot.

Maybe, uh, espresso?

You can't..

What were you gonna say?

I'll have anything you want.

Uh, let me try to figure out what you were gonna say.

Alright.

Please.

You can't drink a toast with espresso.

Two glasses of red wine, please.

Right, huh?

Oh, I've lost my bearings.

- Which is the house? - It's right here.

- Which floor? - 'The top.'

Oh, it will get the sun.

You went to the beauty parlor today.

- Uh, no. - Well, your hair's different.

I-I like it better this way.

I like yours too.

Are you sure it's not too cold?

No, as a matter of fact, I'm warm.

- Huh. - Isn't that funny? I am too.

Huh.

Before you go, would you take a picture for me?

I'll take your picture, Evie. Here.

I'd like him to take it.

Alright.

All set. You just push that button.

What will we do?

Uh, here.

You will please hold still?

- Thank you very much. - Thank you.

- Well? - Anything you say.

- To the apartment. - Oh, yes.

Oh, there he is. I see him in the window.

In the apartment just below.

A clarinet's a lovely thing to have downstairs.

Did you see how we just came in, Harry..

...and got a table right away?

Isn't life easy when there are two of you?

You think the stairs are too much?

Oh, I don't mind the stairs a bit.

Hm, I took possession of the place this afternoon.

Paid them a month's rent and everything.

This is the vestibule.

In New York, they call it the, uh, foyer.

Kind of small, isn't it?

Oh, a person doesn't need a big vestibule.

Here's the living room.

Square rooms are easiest to fix up.

Hmm.

I'd put the davenport right along against that wall.

This is the kitchen in here. Look.

Oh, it's got a window.

You don't see many windows in city kitchens.

I'm gonna put some curtains up there.

I mean, I would if it were mine.

I like it, Harry.

I could be very happy in this apartment.

Come and see the rest of it. Come.

A guest room.

How like you, Harry, to make room for out-of-towners.

"Pat's room."

Whoever lived here before

didn't have much respect for property.

And some child.

Well, they'll paint it for you, won't they?

I hope you got that put in the lease.

No, you're wrong, Evie. This is Pat's room. That's my son.

The guest room is down the hall

and I hope to keep it filled with all the relatives.

- Your son? - Mm-hmm, yeah.

He helped me find the place, he liked it so much..

...and this room that he scribbled that on the wall.

Oh, what a kid.

I don't think you really got a son.

Now if I'd had a chance, you could have met him.

He's been in town here?

Oh, he went back to school this afternoon.

Up in Massachusetts.

You never said anything about a son.

Yeah, I should have.

How about that, hmm?

My!

He's a big boy.

Well, he is even bigger now.

- Is this your wife? - That's Phyllis.

You never said her name before.

I didn't think of her as having one.

Come on. I'll show you our room.

'Evie?'

Is this alright?

Do you sleep in a double bed, or...twin beds?

Double.

- Best way to sleep. - Why do you ask?

It makes a difference in arranging furniture.

There's our restaurant.

Our glasses are still sitting on our table.

There, you see? She's not gonna like that.

A restaurant right outside the window

especially if this is where you sleep.

The lights in the summertime will come right in here.

All we got to do is close these shutters.

You'll hear the dishes clattering

and all the people talking.

Oh, your wife is gonna like that fine on a summer's night.

And the cooking smells.

You don't have to rub it in, Evie.

Bugs work their way up from restaurants, you know.

Work their way out through whole buildings

and you can't ever get rid of them.

And these walls, they're, they're just paper thin.

Anybody could tell that by hitting them.

Who wants a clarinet yelling in their ears all night?

Alright. So I made a mistake.

Yes, you made a mistake, Harry.

- Clumsy and stupid. - Come on, Evie.

I'll take you back to the hotel.

Oh, please go away.

Well, this happens to bemyapartment.

I know.

I know it's yours..

...and hers.

Oh, I'm.. I'm sorry I said all that.

- It's okay. - I mean it. I'm sorry.

No, just-just forget it.

I mean, you were right anyhow.

No, I was dead wrong. It's a beautiful apartment.

And, and you picked it out yourself.

What happened to you? Why did you get so mad at me?

- Don't make me tell you. - No, come on, Evie.

Oh, why did you blow your top?

Because..

...it all turned out to be true.

- What did? - Your wife.

Altoona.

I didn't believe a word of it, you know.

Not a word of it, I..

I thought you were making it all up.

I thought..

...that you'd bring me up here

and you'd show me everything.

And you'd say

"It's all yours, Evie, if you want it."

I'd take it as a joke, and then I'd say

"What about your wife?"

And you'd tell me that you made her up

to protect yourself..

...till you could be sure how you felt about me.

And then we'd both laugh at that.

Why did you just keep turning your ring?

To remind myself.

I'm ready to go now.

What are you waiting for?

It's very hard for me, Harry

not to push right through a door when I come to it.

Please don't make it any harder.

Uh, we, uh, missed you at the Awards Banquet, Miss Jackson.

Oh, we ate Japanese.

We had creamed chicken.

You sorry you missed the banquet?

Oh, I've forgotten every banquet I ever went to.

But I'll always remember the one I missed.

Hi, you have a room for me yet?

Sorry, Mr. Mork.

But you told me earlier something would open up.

Have you tried the other hotels?

I was counting on you.

We'll find something for you, Harry.

Oh, boy. That's great.

I gotta walk the streets looking for a room

this time of night.

Well, you could telephone the other hotels.

Why don't you come up and use my phone?

You have to pick up your suitcase anyway.

Oh, I don't wanna be a nuisance, Evie.

You just gave me the nicest evening I ever had.

How could you be a nuisance?

Alright.

Good evening, Chester.

I know. Seven first, then three.

Oh, no. Just seven tonight.

I have to get my suitcase out of Miss Jackson's room.

Mr. Mork is going to use my telephone, Chester.

Seven out.

Here's the telephone.

'Oh.'

Oh, you have a book?

Well, I wouldn't have recognized it.

I bought that cover for it.

Well, I don't know just where to begin.

Why-why don't you try the place across the street?

The Metropolitan.

Yeah, I guess that would..

...do.

Uh, The Metropolitan Hotel, please.

Oh, remind me to pay you for this call.

Metropolitan?

Uh, do you have a single room for tonight?

Oh. Only a suite?

Uh, well..

I'll be right over.

Mork.

Harry Mork.

Alright. Thank you.

That was lucky.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I'll be on my way, uh..

Well, I'll watch out the window here

to see you cross the street.

So long, Evie.

I forgot my suitcase.

What do you suppose they did with it?

I hope they put it in the right room.

I don't see it anywhere. Do you?

Oh, here it is.

Where?

Oh! Thank you.

There. I got it.

Well, I'm off again.

Yeah.

Well, it's pretty late.

You...you were gonna show me

how you can see the river.

Oh, that's right. I was.

- See? - No, where?

It's that little patch ...of silver

between those two buildings.

You mean that's the river?

- I enjoy it. - Huh.

Uh, there's The Metropolitan Hotel.

Well, maybe you'll face this way

and we can wave to each other.

How many windows are you from the corner?

Oh, you just look for the window with the plant in it.

Well, I guess, I better get over there

or they'll give that suite to somebody else.

Besides, I can't think of any more reasons for not going.

I wish for once I didn't have to be me.

I wish I could be one of those women

who...takes what she can have

and loves it for what it is.

Well, then I...I wouldn't want to stay as much.

Your plant looks real nice, Evie.

I enjoy it.

What are you gonna do with it when you leave?

I'll take it with me for my window back home.

Wouldn't it be a lot simpler

just to buy another one there?

Well, then it would just be a plant I bought.

When I looked at it, it wouldn't mean anything.

What will this one mean?

I bought this one here.

Hmm..

I can't think of how..

...how long it's been since I've heard

the...ticking of a clock.

You got a real nice room here.

Well, isn't it just like yours was?

Mm-mm. No.

Mine didn't have the curtains pulled back

and the...pictures on the wall

and the...

...the lights, they're a lot softer.

I cut cardboard circles out

and put them in the top of the lampshades.

- Oh. - It throws the light down.

I like low lights.

Uh, I..

I-I could be very happy in a room like this

and, you know..

...I like a chair by the window.

Well, I always try to make hotel rooms

look as if they aren't.

Oh.

Excuse me.

Hello?

This is Ms. Jackson. Who's this?

Oh! Uh, yes. Just a minute.

- It's for you. - Well, who is it?

Well, she just said, "Is Harry Mork there?"

Oh.

Hello?

Oh, Phyllis?

Well, well, how'd you find me?

Uh-uh, I-I mean, where are you?

Oh!

Well, uh, I'll be right down.

Well, she's downstairs.

Why did she call you here?

Well, the elevator boy told her.

I better get down to her, Evie.

Oh, yes.

I forgot my suitcase.

Goodbye, Evie.

Please, don't go on so long.

There she is, Mr. Mork, over by the magazine counter.

'Mr. Robert Turner.'

'Paging Mr. Robert Turner.'

'Robert Turner.'

Hello, Phyllis.

Harry dear!

Thank heaven I found you!

You know, the hotel is completely filled up

with conventions, but this nice young lady

has been telling me about The Metropolitan Hotel!

It's right across the street.

She's actually stayed there herself.

- Haven't you? - Lots.

She says she always enjoys it.

Hm, Oh, yes, well

I-I know about The Metropolitan Hotel.

As a matter of fact, I have a suite waiting there for us.

Harry, why did you check out of here?

The desk clerk said that you--

Well, I had to catch the six o'clock train

and something came up and, uh

I had to make other plans, you see, and..

Thank you.

You have no idea how helpful she is

to an out-of-towner.

Hm.

Uh, my name is Harry Mork.

You're saving a suite for me.

Good evening, Mr. Mork.

Will you sign here, please?

Thank you.

- Just got off the train? - I did.

And it will be nice to get away from the vibration.

Suite 7B for Mr. Mork, please.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

Oh, this one will be fine for me!

And these two are mine

and put Mr. Mork's in the other room.

Oh, isn't it nice to have things done for you?

Are you surprised to see me, Harry?

Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

Well, my cousin Florence's husband Georges' aunt, Virginia

is coming to Altoona for a visit.

And Florence said that I had to have her to stay at my house

because, she wasn't up to it.

You know, let Phyllis do it.

Well, the only excuse that I could think of

was that you had wired me to meet you in New York!

And then I thought what a wonderful idea

to stay in a hotel and be waited on.

Look, they're never up to anything in my family.

"Phyllis will do it."

Well, Phyllis won't for a change.

- Thank you, sir. - Goodnight, thank you.

Oh, Harry.

I can't wait to live in New York!

I've already found an apartment for us, Phyllis.

- An apartment? - Oh, yes.

Patrick helped me pick it out and..

...and Ms. Jackson likes it very much.

You haven't asked me about Ms. Jackson, Phyllis.

Is Patrick in town?

He's gone back to school.

Phyllis, you've got to get used to the idea

that Patrick is no longer 13.

He is 18.

Oh, I know how old Patrick is.

I only wish he knew how old he is.

Every week I get these letters

filled with his problems.

He's got a hundred of them.

He calls me up on the telephone

and complains like a little boy.

Harry...I'm counting on you to straighten him out.

I just don't want to get involved.

What are you looking at?

Oh, nothing, there's a..

...window across the way with a plant in it and..

Oh, I wish we were staying in that hotel.

I love chrome and glass.

This looks like Altoona.

Phyllis...aren't you gonna ask me

what I was doing in Ms. Jackson's room?

Alright, since you seem to want me to ask..

What were you doing in Ms. Jackson's room?

Whoever she is.

I went there to get my suitcase.

I knew there was a good explanation.

Well, don't you wonder how it got there?

Alright, Harry. How did it get there?

Well, I-I left it there earlier.

Is there anything else you want me to ask?

Well, most women could think of a lot of questions to ask.

Harry, you're a man!

You've lived a great deal in the past

and I suppose you'll live a great deal in the future.

All I ask is that you don't tell me about it.

Because if I know, I'll have to do something.

And Phyllis is done with doing.

I think my attitude is very generous, Harry.

Not many women would have it, you know?

Goodnight.

I'll see you in the morning.

'Phyllis?'

why did you give me this picture of Patrick

as a little boy, hm?

Because that's the best picture of me

that's ever been taken.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Cruikshank.

I looked for you at the awards banquet, Ms. Jackson.

But apparently, you didn't attend.

Tomorrow we tour the main post office.

I'm putting you in charge of a busload.

Be in the lobby at 10:30.

I'm not taking charge of any busload.

Here's a list of your pe..

Good evening, Ms. Jackson.

I will be on a train at 10:30 on my way home!

You're not staying for the rest of the convention?

That busload can just take care of itself!

Couldn't you find a building with an elevator in it?

Well, the uh, the apartment itself makes up for the climb.

Somebody's been at this lock here.

Now, this is the vestibule.

A person doesn't need a big vestibule.

And, uh, this is the living room here.

It's hard to, uh

arrange furniture in a square room.

You can put a Davenport right along that wall..

...there.

And a chair by the window.

And a plant on the window sill.

And..

What's that?

Used to be a container of yogurt or..

Has somebody been in here?

You know, I like a building with doormen

And a lobby with elevator man.

And a switchboard, so that all you have to do

is just to pick up the telephone.

This is the kitchen.

It's right here.

See?

I mean, wasn't it nice at the hotel this morning, Harry?

We just picked up the telephone

and had breakfast sent up!

Come and see our bedroom.

There's a bathroom here.

- Guest room. - Guest room?

Oh, Harry, if we have a guest room

we'll have half of Altoona sleeping in it.

This is our room.

We'll never get twin beds in here.

Well, I, uh, I thought we'd have a double bed.

What's that down there?

A restaurant.

I know, the lights will shine in

and the clatter of the dishes

and the bugs will work their way up from the restaurant.

And you don't know it yet, but there's a clarinet downstairs.

I'm just wondering if they'd send up meals.

Uh, it would be nice just to pick up the telephone.

Don't you like the apartment, Phyllis?

Harry, dear.

You don't have to give up your way of life for me.

You've lived in hotels all your life!

We can go right on.

You don't have to give up your way of life for me

either, um, Phyllis.

I've lived in houses and apartments all my life.

If I wanted any more of that

I could have married ten times back in Altoona.

From now on

I just wanna pick up the telephone.

Phyllis is flying high!

Good morning, everybody.

Pat?

Where did you come from?

My room. It's right down the hall.

Well, how'd you get in?

This friend of mine, Zola picked the lock.

'She doesn't believe in locks.'

Come and see my room, Phyllis.

Why aren't you in school?

I've been kicked out for wearing a beard.

Beards are against the rules at that kindergarten.

But you don't have a beard.

You're too much of a little boy to have a beard.

I shaved it off!

Well, then why did they kick you out?

Oh, you've got to do something about him, Harry!

You got to do something about her, dad!

'Harry?'

There's a girl in the bathroom.

That's this friend of mine, Zola.

Zola, this is my mother.

Well, she's a very high-principled girl, Phyllis.

She's giving up all her principles for me.

Zola's giving up everything she's ever believed in.

Zola has asked me to marry her.

I suppose, you'll exist on lollipops

and live in a tree house.

Oh, my room here is big enough for the two of us.

Harry and I are going to live in a hotel.

Wait a minute.

Wait just one minute.

Now, if we live anywhere, Phyllis

we are going to live right here..

...with a-with a kitchen

'and a-and a room for everybody'

and a-and a guest room where out-of-towners

don't have to stay in some damned hotel!

Patrick, all the time you were growing up

I needed someone to lean on.

I thought if I waited until

you were a man, I could lean on you.

That was the picture I had in my mind

a son to lean on.

But if I leaned on you, we'd both fall down!

That's when I decided to lean on you, Harry.

But I can see I might as well be back in Altoona...cooking

for Cousin Florence's husband George's aunt, Virginia!

Well, dad... you squeezed the tomato.

Where's mother?

Well, that is the messiest pile of trays

'I've ever seen in a hotel corridor.'

Phyllis!

Patrick...do you hear me? This is father speaking.

No, dammit! This is not father speaking.

You don't just say that I'm your father and make it true.

And, Phyllis, you just don't say

that I'm your husband and make it true.

And I-I can't say that you're my family!

Y-y-you know, it just, it doesn't work out that way!

You-you got to unlock your doors you gotta come out here

and you gotta get mixed up with me!

We gotta talk, and we gotta fight

and we gotta meddle in each other's business

until we forget about our own!

And, Patrick, you..

...you don't want a father at all.

You want a-a mother.

And, Phyllis, you don't want a husband.

You want a...a son.

Love and kisses, Bimbo Jones.

Henry, would you put these things in the taxi

for Pennsylvania Station?

- And I'll be right there. - Yes, Ms. Jackson.

- Here's my key, Mr. Grove. - Thank you.

Say goodbye to Mr. Weinstock for me.

Okay.

And here's a little present

for your daughter's birthday.

Thank you very much, Ms. Jackson.

- Goodbye, Ms. Jackson. - Goodbye, Maurice.

- Bye, Fred. - Goodbye.

- Bye, Joy. - Bye, Ms. Jackson.

So you tell Ms. Loveland to let me know

how those orthopedic shoes work out.

I sure will.

- Goodbye, Minerva! - Bye, Ms. Jackson.

Oh, are you going in there?

Would you tell Bennie, the shoeshine boy

that Ms. Jackson said goodbye?

Well, Jackson?

Goodbye, Arthur.

- Goodbye, Shorty. - It's been a pleasure.

Goodbye, Martin.

- Bye, Chester. - Goodbye, Ms. Jackson.

Have a nice trip home.

All set, Henry.

'..Evie Jackson. Ms. Ev..'

Oh, wasn't that nice of Vernon?

Well, you tell him I said thank you.

- I sure will. - 'Ms. Evie Jackson.'

Bye, Ms. Jackson.

Vernon.

Ms. Jackson said, "Thank you."

No. This one's for real!

I got a guy waiting on the hook.

'Your attention, please.'

'Will passenger Evie Jackson'

'please report'

'to the information counter?'

Please stop pushing!

'Your attention, please.'

'Will passenger Evie Jackson'

'please report'

'to the information counter?'

I'm Evie Jackson.

- I was just paged. - Oh, yes.

Somebodynamed Harry says

you're to stay right where you are.

Right where I am?

You're not to move an inch.

♪ Dear heart ♪

♪ Wish you were here to warm ♪

♪ This night ♪

♪ My dear heart ♪

♪ Seems like a year ♪

♪ Since you've been out ♪

♪ Of my sight ♪

♪ A single room ♪

♪ A table for one ♪

♪ It's a lonesome town alright ♪

♪ But soon ♪

♪ I'll kiss you at home ♪

♪ At our front door ♪

♪ And dear heart ♪

♪ I want you to know ♪

♪ I'll leave ♪

♪ Your arms ♪

♪ Nevermore ♪♪