Original subtitles

We are picketing Kevin Smith.

He's a pervert extraordinaire. He spends his life and his days teaching rebellion

against the commandments of God, and God hates him for it.

Well, Kevin, hell hurts.

Austin, Austin, get your ass up. Smithers in the building gonna burn shit

up. He was too fat for 40, now he's trimmed a bit. A little leader and then

I'm gonna talk some shit.

Red state the hate, the demons masturbate. To the sermon that he's

swimming on their breakfast plate. Heaven's gates are locked, but Kara's

mouth is cocked.

First class tickets to hell, he doesn't give an ass. Austin, Austin, raise the

glass up. Smith is in the building on a burn shit up.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise.

And welcome to the stage, Kevin Smith.

Whoa.

I knew Austin was the right choice.

And it all begins right now with the chick from that movie. Hey, it's Ellen

Page, everybody.

I get that a lot.

You do. You have a real Juno thing going on, man. Yeah, that was my nickname for

a while. Was it really?

Yeah. You must have hated that. Slightly.

My fucking nickname was Too Fat to Fly. Way worse.

Fair enough.

Okay.

How are you?

I'm good. You got the distinction of asking the first question, and we never

normally get people your size. How old are you? I'm 12.

Are you fucking 12 years old?

Did you come with a parent or guardian? Yes.

Where is that irresponsible, hapless individual?

Is that a boy person or a girl person? That is a girl person. Is your mom?

Yeah. Right on.

Mom seems kind of lenient and liberal.

I'm alone in town is all I'm saying.

Not to you, of course, to your mom. Yeah.

Okay.

What do you want to know, my friend?

Well, I'm here because my sister's strawberry and bug couldn't be here

today.

But my question is... Wait, wait, your sister's...

Oh, that's their name? Strawberry and Bug?

Caitlin and Amanda, but... What's your name?

Calista. Calista, pleasure to meet you.

Pleasure to meet you. Have you ever seen any of my flicks?

Lots. Jesus.

So I guess you're here for me to explain a bunch of things, then.

My question is kind of not related to anything.

Okay. If you made a Batman movie, what villains would you put in it?

I wouldn't have gone Bane, to be honest with you. Like, I've seen all the

trailers for Dark Knight Returns, and that never would have occurred to me to

go Bane, because I always thought that was kind of, like, ridiculously, like,

low-rent moochaloocha, you know?

Look, he had a cool background story in terms of, like, you know, he was fucking

born in a prison because his mom was such a fucking criminal that she had to

have a baby in the sentence, you know?

So that was kind of cool, but the notion of him being in the Nolanverse, the guy

that gave us Batman Begins and fucking Dark Knight, that never would have

occurred to me. And then I saw the trailer, and I was like, oh, that is

fucking cool. That first trailer, or the only trailer they put up, where you hear

like, Matalo, Matalo, Bane, Bane. That fucking juiced me up, man.

Juiced me up like I was on steroids and shit like that. I actually thought about

exercising for one day.

Based on that, because I was like, I could put that on a loop in the gym and

be like, Matalo, Matalo, bang, bang.

You want to come to the gun show?

You know.

But then I just couldn't. I couldn't commit to that kind of exercise.

But I did watch the teaser a bunch, and I had so much respect for him being able

to take a concept and kind of make it...

cool and realistic, like, in that world. I didn't think they could get Bane done,

but that mask thing looks kind of neat.

And then I heard him talk, and he doesn't even sound like the way you'd

think. So right then and there, that's a dude who thinks out the box. Fucking

Chris Nolan. He's kind of talented.

I don't know. Like, I saw the pictures of Catwoman, and like everybody else,

for a minute, I lost fucking faith, like, you know, because she had no ears

and shit. And I found myself at 41 giving a shit.

That was a real life lesson, man. Like, all of a sudden, they came out with that

picture, and I saw on Twitter people like, you better fucking look at this.

And they showed a picture.

What's her face?

Anne Hathaway riding the Batpod or sitting on the Batpod with a fan blowing

through her hair and clearly no ears or anything like that. And I really didn't

think that I would have any reaction whatsoever, but I was kind of like,

well, this ain't Catwoman.

She needs fucking ears to be Catwoman.

apparently nolan isn't so brilliant i see some chinks in the armor chris you

know then i saw another picture recently where it's like she flips up the visor

and it looks like cat ears and i was like he's brilliant again um so for me i

don't know like look if i was making a batman movie i'd be like holy i better

put myself in it because i'll never get this opportunity again

It's not like, you know, we're going to let you do a trilogy. They're going to

let me get halfway through the shoot, see, like, two weeks' worth of dailies,

and be like, you're gone, Kev.

So I at least want to make sure I'm in it. So that means I could write the

penguin into it and shit.

And play a much... I would play, you know, not like a Danny DeVito kind of

like... I'd just play it real casual and shit, like Batman come busted, and I'm

like, you got me.

Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

You know, I don't know, Poison Ivy I thought didn't get done very well the

first time, so I think they could do her kind of well, and particularly because

she's the only other girl in the Batman universe other than Harley and fucking

Catwoman. And, you know, it's also, you can get away with one leaf on a nipple

here, one leaf, oh, fucking, you're 12.

This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I don't know. I'd put, like, pony corns in it and shit like that.

I don't know. Those are the ones I'd definitely lead with. Why? You got any

ideas?

Harley. Harley? Yeah, for sure. I'd put her in for one panel in Widening Gyre,

half a page. That was, like, my favorite thing. Thank you. And Buy Me Toys.

And Buy Me Toys. Well fucking caught.

You saw that movie, too? Mallrats?

Mm-hmm.

You were fucking cum when we made Mallrats, man.

Right on.

How are you? What's your name?

Good. My name is Joy.

Right on.

You are so charming and witty and just attractive. I'm sure a lot of these

women find you very... No.

May I ask you a question? Where the fuck were you when I was single, man?

Fucking married guys hate here and like oh you're so charming because they're

essentially what they're saying is oh you're so taken and safe Okay

this kitten

has claws Trust

me they really fucking They're drunk

And one of them's my mother.

Well, I'm sober, and you're my celebrity crush.

Oh, you're so sweet.

Well, I'll fucking cut right to the chase and save you a lot of fantasy

time. Dick's this big.

Even worse than that, dick's this big, don't know how to use it.

Nevertheless, I was wondering, has any female fan ever tried to seduce you in a

crazy way, like showing up naked at your hotel room? No.

Never and I've been doing this like nearly 20 years like I said so you'd

imagine sooner or later somebody be like oh my god You know

Just me getting in an elevator I dream about I would never do anything But I

just that'd be a cool thing getting an elevator like oh my god Silent Bob.

You know I'm like oh Thank you. I'm very married

I don't get anything. You know what I get? I get dudes who are like, I'd suck

your dick.

Dude, that's awesome. Thank you so much.

What's up, Kevin? How are you, sir?

Good. How are you, sir? I'm excellent.

Well, my name's James. I'm from Boston. And I'm so fucking glad the heat is off

Ben Affleck right now.

Especially, you know, with the town.

And gone, baby, gone. My question is for you. Yes.

Did he give you any? Well, did you give him any advice when he went into

directing films, especially after his stint with, you know, Bennifer and

whatnot back in the day? No, no, no. Now he's that dude was always going to pop

as a director because.

Most actors, when they transition to directing, think about it. You sit

behind how many directors over the course of your career watching a bunch

of different styles. You see people doing it all the time. You pick and

choose. You're like, oh, I'd do that. I would never do that myself.

Ooh, that seems like a good idea.

So you're putting together a trick bag without even fucking knowing it. And Ben

let the...

performances go front and center. Ben let the actors kind of speak for

themselves in that movie, and it was a performer's movie. I mean, the

cinematography looked great, but it was really an actor's flick. So I was proud

of him for that, because this was the dude who, you know, fucking was on

Chasing Amy constantly trying to tell me how to make the movie and whatnot.

He was always more so, not so much directing, although he'd say, God damn

it, move the camera, move it, you know.

But I never needed to give that dude fucking advice. He pulled some people

out of our cast for his new movie, though. That was kind of cool.

He had called up and asked about Barr on the print, and we sent it to him. He's

like, hey, do you have a DVD? I want to see this movie made.

And I was like, no, we don't have any DVDs. We just didn't do that this time

around. We got a print. If you can find a place to screen a 35-millimeter print.

He's like, okay.

Sent him the print.

Never fucking heard from him again.

Never called back. Never said, hey, I watched it. Nothing like that.

And then the print came back. No note. I was just like, oh, man, that's weird.

Maybe he really didn't like it.

And then I saw.

in Variety or The Hollywood Reporter, John Goodman cast in Argo. That's the

movie that Ben's making next.

And I was like, all right, well, that doesn't mean anything. John Goodman's

been an actor for a long time and shit, just because he was in Red State doesn't

mean maybe it's a coincidence.

Then I saw another report, Carrie Bechet in Argo, and she's also in Red State.

And I was like, wow, that's a coincidence.

And then fucking I heard from Michael Parks going, I'm doing a day on your

buddy's film, Argo. I was like, fucking Affleck cast you as well?

And I was just like, you know, I called up Shea, his producer, who's good

friends with my wife. I was like, fucking Shea, man, really?

Like, the dude, like, he cast three people from the movie? He never even

told me if he liked the movie or not. And he got back to me two days later

with an email. He's like, Shea told me you didn't get my other message, so I'll

repeat it here, but I gotta tell you, I think it's ridiculous that you didn't

think I liked your movie. I did steal half your cast, you know.

It was rather sweet. And then I asked him for a poster quote, because I was

just like, we've had that Quentin quote for a long time. I fucking love this

movie. So I said, dude, give us a Quentin quote. Give us a quote like

Quentin's, so we can put another quote up there. You're a filmmaker now and

shit. It ain't just like, my friend Ben Affleck would be like, Ben Affleck, the

town.

And so he was like, all right. And he gave us the quote, and the first quote

he gave was, this film has an excellent cast.

So I sent back an email going, that blows, dude.

That's just lame and bland. I said, listen, man, like, you're fucking making

movies now. Would you ever put something as fucking plain and simple, boring as

that up front? That's like going, air is good for breathing.

Ben Affleck. I was like, you know, dig a little deeper, bitch. Pretend a friend

made this movie, you know. Pretend Matt Damon made this movie.

And then he sent back his second quote was, I fucking love this movie more than

Quentin Tarantino.

I was like, all right, fucking fine. I'm going to use it, but I just want to

remind you that you won an Academy Award for writing.

Then he sent back a much deeper quote and shit.

Thanks, Kev. Thank you, sir.

And you talked about Red State and really trying to drive that for five

years. Yeah.

When you wrote that, what...

really made you know that that's something you wanted to make? I mean, I

don't know. I've felt that way about everything that I've written. You know,

you have to. You have to be your own biggest advocate and your own biggest

cheerleader. You have to believe for everybody else. You believe with that

weird, dopey, reasonable amount of unreasonability. You know, where you're

just like, I think this is a good idea. I'm going to write this make-pretend

story, get money, people together, spend a lot of time, and let's see if we can

do it. You have to have a reasonable amount.

of unreasonability, I think, in order to do that. It all begins, like I said

before, when I saw From Dusk Till Dawn.

So Michael Park's in that movie, and I was like, oh my God, this guy's fucking

astounding. So I loved him, and I fell in love with him then, and I was like, I

want to work with that guy one day. One day I've got to find something for him,

and it took a long time.

The linchpin, though, hands down, as always, is my good friend Malcolm

Ingram, who I've talked about many times, big gay bear of a dude.

Malcolm made this awesome documentary called Small Town Gay Bar.

He showed me the interview. He's got Phelps in his documentary. Small Town

Gay Bar, if you haven't seen it, they don't bury the lead. It's right there in

the title. It's about a small town gay bar.

It's not like fucking Jaws where you're like, what's that about?

Or The Unbearable Lightness of Being.

It's literally...

Right there in the fucking title. And it's a wonderful doc about how tough it

is to, you know, find community, find family in a community that wants nothing

to fucking do with you. But in the midst of it, he interviews Fred Phelps because

Fred Phelps was from Meridian, Mississippi, where one of the bars is.

So I was watching that and I was like, oh my God, dude, you talk to this

fucking Phelps dude, the Westboro Baptist Church guy. We know him in

America. We've seen them for fucking years. The good old God hates fags

people. And I'd seen them in the news and whatnot.

never seen somebody I know talk to them, and there's Malcolm interviewing them

and shit. So I said, what was it like? He goes, it was kind of frightening,

because he sits there and says all the shit he's talking about, he's talking

about me. He's talking about my friends.

He's going, but then about 20 minutes in, he's going, he just starts getting

repetitive and saying the same old shit. At the end of the day, you can only

slice hate so many fucking ways.

He's going, so I started tuning out while he was talking to me. And I was

like, you're a hell of a documentarian, Malcolm.

I said, what'd you do? He's like, well, you know, he's sitting there talking

about gay this and gay that. I said, fuck this old man. I started looking

around the room. His grandson was standing behind him. He's in his mid

-20s, leaning against the wall, just out of frame.

But I noticed in the outline of his pants, he had a huge cock.

He's going, so while Fred Phelps was sitting there telling me how bad gays

were, I was staring at his grandson's luscious cock.

And he goes, I felt like that was a pretty big win for me.

So I said, well, dude, I want to see the rest of the footage, man. Let me see the

fucking whole interview. And he's like, okay. And he gave me a disc. It's like

an hour and change and shit. And I wanted to watch it at home. I went into

my room and stuff. We've got big TV in our house and in my bedroom. I went to

throw it in and my wife is sitting in a room. My wife is not.

Remotely tolerant of what she calls church people. I'm Christian. I identify

as Christian even after all this fucking time He used to identify as Catholic,

but I can't do that anymore. It's a little too wacky Christianity is a

little broader allows you to do more. Don't worry. I'm not one of those creepy

Christian types I'll never be the guy that's like have I told you about my

friend Christ?

He just works for me, you know the religion that much religion works for

me, you know I pray usually when I go to bed at night I got a wonderful life in a

great career. It cost me nothing to believe that somebody up there is

responsible for it. That's not fucking me So, you know, I I pray usually when I

take off in an airplane and land I

That's when I pray the most. And usually my wife is with me whenever I'm flying

and sitting next to me and stuff like that. And when I pray, like if you saw

me on a plane, it's not like I sit there and pray out loud. Like, oh, God, save

us from your fiery death.

You wouldn't even know, man. I don't move my lips all creepily and shit. I

just sit there with my eyes closed. For all you know, I'd be sitting there

thinking about pussy. But really, Jesus.

So I'm sitting there on a plane, and this always happens. We fly, me and my

wife. She's sitting next to me and stuff, and I do a little prayer before

we take off, our father, and I say an act of contrition, cover my ass in case

we fucking hit the ground. And while I pray, I always whip a little bit her

way, you know, even though she ain't into it. She's very non-church people.

She went through dogma, people threw bricks at our fucking windows and shit.

We got death threats. She ain't into church people by any fucking stretch of

the imagination.

Still, I've got to cover her because what if we both die? What's going to

happen? So I'll hold her hand, and while I'm praying, it's just simple shit where

I'm like, Lord, please don't kill us today.

And if you do, please take her to heaven so I have someone to fuck.

I know she's a heathen, but she means well.

But I don't say it out loud and shit. But invariably, when I'm praying and I

reach over and I hold her hand and stuff, this is the sound I hear come

from my left.

And I go, what, man? And she goes, oh, if you're going to fucking ask Santa for

favors, please leave me the fuck

out of it. You know, and I'm like, come on, man. She's like, ugh, Kevin,

everything about you is good except that.

You're too smart for that. I was like, no, I'm not.

So she's not into fucking faith, church, none of that shit at all. And here's me

putting the disc in. And she's like, what are we watching?

And I was like, we're going to watch an interview that Malcolm did with Fred

Phelps. And she's like, who's that?

I was like, a dude from the Westboro Baptist Church. And she goes, oh, fuck

this. No.

I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, man. She goes, well, I don't want to watch this. I was

like, all right, well, fucking put on your headphones. Watch something else,

man. This is going to be badass.

And she goes, no, you're not allowed to watch this in here.

And I was like, I'm fucking like 37, man.

And she's going, I don't want this church shit in here. It's a ridiculous

waste of time. You're not allowed to watch it in here. I was like, fine, I'll

fucking watch it. She's like, you're not allowed to watch it at all.

And I was like, fine, I won't, you know.

And I left the room and shit, and I went up to the living room, where in the back

of the living room, there's a TV that nobody watches anymore, hooked up to a

DVD player and shit. I had all the lights off, and I put in the DVD, and I

was right on top of the fucking screen.

Like, going like this, covering it with, like, I was wearing a robe so I could

cover the screen, almost watching it like Dracula style.

But really, I felt like I was 11 trying to watch Porky's and not get caught.

And I felt like I was cheating on my wife with fucking Fred Phelps, you know?

Because I was so, like, desperate to see him, and I didn't want to get in

trouble. And maybe it was because the conditions under which I was watching

it, so close to the TV in a dark room and like this and scared I'd get caught.

But it was terrifying.

Everything that the dude was talking about was scary. He looks normal, you

know what I'm saying? He kind of looks like, you know, your favorite uncle or

grandfather or something like that. And then the moment he starts opening his

mouth, it's divisive. It's hate speak.

It's fucking, you know, intolerance. It's just horseshit. It's more the same

old, I don't fucking understand it, so it scares me and God hates it. That same

horseshit you deal with all the fucking time. And I hated it, you know,

particularly because...

I got a lot of gay people in my life.

You know what I'm saying? My brother, like I said, gay as the day is fucking

long. Good fucking guy. And there's someone like Phelps coming down. And my

brother goes to church still every fucking Sunday. I said, why would you go

to a community that doesn't want much to do with you at all? He's like, it

doesn't cost me anything to believe. That dude's a good fucking guy, man. And

there's Fred Phelps doing that kind of shit, talking about it. But this is a

true horror movie. Never mind fucking hockey mask and a chainsaw. The true

horror is a motherfucker who could sit here and say these horrible things. So I

call up Malcolm. And I was just like, Malcolm, this fucking a**hole. interview

is scintillating. I said, you need to fucking make a movie about this. He

goes, what do you mean? I already did make a movie. I said, not a documentary,

dude. Make a fucking feature about a church like the Westboro Baptist Church.

You got these guys, they stand there holding signs at funerals. What happens

if there's no funerals? They gotta make the fucking bodies. And he goes, this is

dumb. And I was like, fuck you, I'll write it. And I hung up.

So I start writing Red State.

You get about 10 pages in.

And the idea behind it was an exercise.

Like, you know, Zack and Miri, I love it very much. It's funny, but it's a

formula. You all know they're going to get together the moment we start that

fucking movie. Ain't no surprise there and shit. And that's the problem with

storytelling today in this day and age.

Audience is so fucking sophisticated. Everybody knows all the stories have

been told. They see the ending coming. They see the middle coming.

They're ahead of you the whole time, you know. And so I said, all right, when I

write this movie, As soon as I'm ahead of it, that means the audience is going

to be ahead of it as well. So as soon as the audience is ahead of it, I've lost

them. So how about this? Every time I know where the movie's going, I'll just

fucking jump and do something else. I'll start writing something else and try to

keep them all connected.

So I wrote the first 10 pages and shit, and then I saw Malcolm on iChat, and I

said, hey, man, can you do me a favor? Can you read something?

He goes, sure.

And I sent him the pages.

And he goes, oh, shit, this is red state.

And I said, yeah, yeah.

yeah, you're the spiritual godfather. I figure you should see the pages first,

because without you, I don't come to this idea.

And he goes, all right, let me read it. He reads it, and he's just like, this is

good. Keep going. I said, yeah. He goes, yeah, yeah, keep going. I want to see

where it's going.

So that's for the next three days. That's how I wrote Red State. I'd write

a chunk, 10, 15 pages.

I chatted over to Malcolm, and Malcolm was just like my big gay cheerleader,

man. You know, like, this is important.

Do it. This means everything to the cocksuckers. Click. You know.

That's what he calls them.

The community he's in.

And then I got to the point, if you've seen the movie, if you haven't seen the

movie, I apologize, because I might spoil a little bit, but it gets to the

point in the script where in the movie, Michael Parks is like, shoot me, shoot

me, shoot me, up in John Goodman's face.

And that's where I stopped.

And so I sent that to Malcolm, and he goes, where the fuck, where's it going

now? This is fucking amazing. I'm on the edge of my seat here. And I was like, I

don't know, dude.

And he goes, what do you mean? I was like, well, the way I wrote it was every

time I was getting ahead of the story, I would just jump and do a different

story. And I think I've jumped into a fucking corner.

Like, I got no other moves here, man. And I'm like, I'm only on page 78 and

shit. But I feel like it'll be a tight movie, but I don't have any place left

to go.

And he's going, you got places to go. And I was like, there's fucking, there's

one of two. There's normalcy or there's ridiculousness. And he's like, what's

ridiculous? I was like, the rapture.

And he goes, the rapture?

I said, yeah, I mean, that's what I'm setting it up as. You're hearing all

this fucking noise and shit and blah, blah, blah.

And he's like, you would never do the rapture.

And I said, why do you say that? He's going, because an artist would do the

rapture. And I was like, don't you fucking dare me to do the rapture.

Malcolm, you know.

He was like, you know, the guy who made Clerks would do the rapture. I was like,

fuck you, and I hung up and shit, and I started writing an ending of the movie

that was the rapture ending to the flick.

But I'll tell you what it is because it's so fucking weird. If you've seen

the movie, there's the horns and whatnot, and then you think something's

about to happen, but then it goes right to normalcy afterwards.

In the scripted version, it kept going. Like you heard those horns.

Michael Parks was like, as Abe and Cooper go, shoot me, shoot me.

Then the next thing you saw was his chest exploded and his head exploded.

And then behind him, the other five pointers, their chests and heads were

fucking exploding. They were dropping to the ground. And behind Keenan, the ATF

agents, their chest. chests are exploding they're dropping to the

fucking ground and it's getting louder and louder the horns and the earth

cracks and the moon turns his fucking sackcloth and keenan covers his fucking

face as it just gets into a blaring cacophony and then we cut it out

completely and then he kind of you do a pov shot where you kind of reveal him

pulling his hands and arms away from his eyes

And then you're on him, and you see him reacting to what's off-camera, and then

you cut to off-camera to see the last five-pointer on the edge of a giant

fucking sword that gets pulled out, and the body drops to the ground. And there

stands a gigantic fucking angel in armor, and it just goes, shh.

And then the angel takes off into the sky, and Kenan watches it bank left, and

all of a sudden you see the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Credits.

So... So I send that ending to Malcolm. He was like, holy shit.

You fucking did it, you nut. You know, I was like, yeah, you're damn right. But

it would never make it. I mean, that would have been a $4 million movie with

a $15 million five-minute ending sequence.

So I'd be talking about red state and the Phelps's started taking interest in

a big bad way Like I want to speak do one of these at a Kansas City Midland

theater so I was going out there is after the Too fat to fly shit I was on a

bus going around the country doing a bunch of Q&A gigs and whatnot because

they kicked me out of the air So I was like fuck it. I'll take a bus my brother

sends me an email and email heading says Now you finally made it And you open it

up, and there's a PDF inside, and it's a protest notice from the Westboro Baptist

Church. And there's a picture of me with my glasses kind of askew, making a goofy

face, and then all around it is the writing. In big, bold letters, it says,

God hates fag-enabler Kevin Smith.

And I was so...

I was so taken aback, I didn't know what to do with it. I was just like, oh, my

God. I still have this thing kind of in me from when I was a kid, man, like I

would get afraid of getting in trouble, where I'm like, oh, shit, I'm going to

get in trouble. And I told my brother, I called my brother, I was like, am I in

trouble? And he's like, you're 38.

Like, who are you in trouble with? I was like, I don't know. This just seems

there's a lot of scary Bible language in here, and they seem really fucking mad.

And what's with that fag-enabler thing? And my brother's like, oh, Kevin, who

gives a shit about that?

He goes, fag-enabler just means you can get gay people laid. You're a pimp.

So I said, thank you.

Thank you so much. I was like, you think I should bring mom to the show, though?

These fuckers are going to be protesting us out in the Kansas City Midland

Theater. And he goes, well, if you don't know what they're about, maybe you want

to leave mom home. But don't worry about these cats. Don't back down. I was like,

all right.

So we went to the show. Zach and Joey were there as well.

When we pulled up, the bus pulled up at the Kansas City Midland. It was raining,

and I got to see my first taste of a Phelps protest, of a Westboro Baptist

Church protest.

There were four people each holding two posters, protest posters.

So if you squinted, it looked like there were eight people.

But once you opened your eyes, you're like, there's fucking four people here.

And they were holding signs. None of them said Kevin Smith burning hell or

fucking like Kevin Smith fagging a look.

there was a lot of Easter-oriented posters.

Everything had to do with Easter because it was right around Easter time.

So I asked Zach and Joey, I said, go out there and fucking interview them, man.

Go talk to them. And they went and talked to Shirley Phelps Roper, who is

Fred Phelps' daughter and the current mouthpiece of the Westboro Baptist

Church, and her daughter, Megan Phelps, who's very active on social media.

She tweets me all the time. I'm pretty sure she's always flirting with me, even

though the flirting is like, you're going to burn in hell.

But I tweet her back all the time where I'm like, oh, fucking Megan, my wife

says that if it's going to save you from your cult-like family, we could all have

a three-way.

And she writes back like, you pig. I'm like, you have no idea.

So they were there, and Zach and Joey went out and talked to them. Then they

came back and shit, and I was like, what was it like? He goes, I got to tell you,

man, Zach's like, they're pretty nice. Those people are very, very nice. They

kept telling us we were going to hell, but they were really nice about it.

I said, what'd they say about me? He goes, nothing.

I said, what do you mean nothing? He goes, they weren't really talking about

you. I said, but that's why they came to protest. He goes, well, they're using

you to protest because they figure people will be here, but they're not

very interested in you. They're very interested in the Easter Bunny.

And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, they're pissed off about the

Easter Bunny, dude.

I said, what do you mean pissed off? He's like, they're so mad that this

country still believes in this giant rabbit that gives out chocolate.

I was like, did you tell him it's not true? He's like, dude, think about who

you're talking about.

I said, fair enough, fair enough.

I was like, it sounds kind of weird. He goes, weird, dude, look at their signs.

And they showed me footage of their interview. And they're holding one of

their protest signs.

You've seen a variation of it if you've ever seen footage of them protesting.

It pictures stick figures.

One is bent over.

One is standing behind the other with an arm out. And, you know, it's essentially

like some butt fucking going on. And then they put a gigantic Ghostbusters No

sign through it.

And the message is, we don't like this kind of shit, you know.

Clearly they're not for it. The picture that Zach was showing me that they had

shot of one of their protest signs depicted that same pictograph they

always use, but instead, the bent-over guy, instead of having just a circle

head, his head was replaced by a sticker of the Playboy Bunny logo.

So essentially, the Playboy Bunny was getting fucked up the ass.

And I was looking at it going like, what are they mad about?

I don't understand what they're protesting in this. Which is it? And

he's like, dude, I don't know.

So they turned out to be kind of harmless and just kind of heat seekers

more than anything else So I put that away, you know for future reference and

shit like that remembered and I wished that I've been more creative You know, I

wished I'd kind of hadn't been scared once again fear man fear kept me from

fucking taking them on just like well I don't want to get in trouble and shit

like that So I never thought about doing what was maybe the obvious like I saw

online was wonderful It happened at San Diego Comic-Con not this year, but last

year

the Westboro Baptist Church announced that they were going to protest at Comic

-Con, which is like, Comic-Con is so vast.

To say that you're going to protest it is kind of like, we're going to protest

depression. You can't get your head around it. Where are you going to do

that? And why are you doing it? What is it, God hates Batman this week or

something?

So they got themselves, you know, certified to go protest there, and they

did. They got themselves a little bit of space across from the convention center.

And you can see this pictograph online.

It's a story in pictures, fucking wonderful.

You see the Phelpses standing there holding their signs, God hates fags,

blah, blah, blah, down with this.

Greedo shot first.

You see them holding their fucking signs.

And then suddenly you see cosplayers, people at the con who go up in costume

and whatnot, like a motherfucker who'd like to dress like a stormtrooper or,

you know, to chick with the weird tentacle things in Return of the Jedi,

people dressing up in costume, cosplayers, start surrounding them, and

they're holding their own signs.

So you got one guy here holding a sign that says, God hates fags, and then you

have a guy over here who's dressed up like Bender from Futurama.

And he's holding a sign that says, down with humans.

This is a good idea.

So I saw that and I was just like, oh my God, that's how you fight these idiots.

You just hold an even more ridiculous sign next to them. And I was like, I've

got to remember that. Put it away for future reference. And I got my chance to

kind of use it because we made Red State.

We got it into the Sundance Film Festival, and Sundance announced that it

was going to play at the Eccles Theater, which is part of the high school up in

Park City.

Big-ass theater up there.

That's what a movie debuted, 1,400-seater or something like that.

When we debuted with Clerks there, their biggest theater was like 300 and change

at the Egyptian, so now they have this massive fucking big theater.

Couldn't wait to go.

Sundance announces that, that we're in and we're screening.

The Westboro Baptist Church puts out a press release saying that they're going

to picket us. This time, they've changed the language. It says, God hates the fag

enablers at the Sundance Film Festival.

I had been downgraded to the pervert Kevin Smith.

And I found out it was because I liked fag enablers so much.

Because I'd be out there going, hey, it's fag enabler Kevin Smith coming at

you.

And so they stopped calling me that, and they called me the pervert instead,

which I was like, I'll take that.

So they said, God hates the fag enablers at the Sundance Film Festival.

They are mockers and scoffers of the servants of God, and so we're going to

drive them back to hell with a protest in front of the red state. Kevin's the

pervert, Kevin Smith's red state, blah, blah, blah.

So I looked at a lot of biblical language, a lot of scary, old-timey

language straight from the Bible.

So I said, okay, I've watched, I've seen an example of what to do.

I asked John Gordon, I was like, you want to do a counter-protest? And he was

just like, yeah, let's do that. And I was like, okay. We put out our own press

release, and it was a calling for a counter-protest. And it said,

The Harvey boys feel that anybody can write senseless horseshit on a sign and

hold it up, so we're going to counter-protest the Phelpses. They're

coming with the Christian God. We're bringing movie gods like Zool and Krom.

You know, I was like, I said, Thor, lay down your mighty hammer and pick up a

protest sign and join us at a Park City Battle of the Mega Gods. Everyone is

welcome. Photo opportunities galore, you know.

And so we put that out and we started our own protest. You know, we were going

to counter them the night of the screening. They were going to be there.

So we said, fuck it, let's counter protest like they did in San Diego and

at the condo in Sundance.

We all sat around, it was about eight or ten of us at the condo for the team Red

State, making fucking posters, protest posters and shit. And it was just fun.

It was so creative and dopey and fun. We're playing music, everyone's sitting

there drawing on their stomach and whatnot.

And we were making goofy signs. I made a sign that said, God hates rainy days and

Mondays.

Shit like, God hates press screenings. You know, I said, Thor hates straights.

We made one for Megan Phelps, young Megan Phelps, 25, 26-year-old Megan

Phelps, said, God hates all Phelpses except Megan. God thinks Megan's hot.

And we made one for her mom, Shirley Phelps Roper, just said, Shirley, you

can't be serious.

It was fun, man. Mews, he didn't, Jason Mews didn't quite get the protest sign.

The concept of the protest sign.

So he wrote his protest sign and said simply, God loves Muses cock.

Which I was just like, you know, we can't disprove it.

Let the boy carry it. But Malcolm, who was with us, was so fucking... Malcolm

is the Charlie Brown of our group.

And this was proven no more so than when he was trying to make a single protest

sign.

Like just the way Charlie Brown had multiple holes in his ghost sheet.

Malcolm starts writing one big letter and then he's on the rug.

Off the cardboard completely.

So he's burning through placard after placard.

No good coming out of it. No cool message.

It's either too scrawny or half on and half off and shit.

And he's like, oh!

And he starts throwing them in anger and shit.

I said, Malcolm.

Fuck these signs. I got the perfect sign for you if you want to carry. He goes,

what? I was like, it's the sign that only you could carry, man.

It's the kryptonite to a felp sign.

And he goes, what do you mean? I was like, well, think about it. They carry

their sign.

Three simple words is their attack.

God hates fags. We have an alternate sign, the flip version of it. Three

simple words. You carry it. Just says simply, dick tastes yummy.

And Malcolm's face lights up like Christmas, man.

He was like, only I can hold that.

I was like, that's right, that's your special mission, little man, go do it.

And he went off and he went to work on his fucking son, and it was a thing of

beauty. He poured himself into it and shit. You could almost hear the

background scoring music in a series of...

360 shots of him feverishly drawing and whatnot.

Everything maintained within the line, structural integrity of all the letters,

totally legible and shit. He held it up. It was a thing of beauty. Dick tastes

yummy. I said, Malcolm, it's perfect. He goes, not yet. Put glue on it.

Sparkly's on the motherfucker.

And we all agreed he had the finest sign and shit, so we all gathered ourselves

onto the bus and headed off to the Eccles, where the movie was going to

debut. Now, I had forgotten. I said, hey, anyone could fucking write

senseless horseshit on a sign. And when we pulled up, I had my heart stolen.

by these kids up at Park City. The kids who go to the Eccles High School read

that, and they read that the Westboro Baptist Church was going to be

protesting at their school, and they were like, fuck them, and they decided

to join the protest.

So I get off the bus, and it's a true fucking melee.

There's four Phelpses sitting on a snowy little embankment, each holding two

posters, looking like hateful Planet of the Apes scarecrows in the distance.

Beyond them is a sea of light pouring back at us, and it's all the media, like

more press than I've ever seen in my fucking life for one situation.

And I shot Jersey Girl at the height of Bennifer. We were in like Central Park

shooting these fuckers in like a horse and buggy, Jen and Ben, and we'd go cut.

Fifty paparazzi would pour out of the woods going...

taking their picture, and we'd be like, roll sound, and 50 paparazzi would

disappear, man.

It was amazing. But when they'd come in, they were very respectful of the shoot.

But when, between takes, it was a total fucking melee. Camera bulbs everywhere.

This was fucking at least double that. It was fucking crazy. People everywhere.

And then beyond the fucking sea of lights and the Phelpses, what I see just

fucking does my heart so good, I'll never forget it. The kids from the

Eccles High School came to protest, and they're lined up holding their signs and

singing songs. back at the Phelps's. So the Phelps's are holding signs that say,

God hates fags. And the high school kids, God bless them, are holding signs

that say, God hates homework.

Just so, the perfect innocent counterbalance, man.

And just ludicrous enough, my favorite sign, hands down, there was a very tall

gentleman in the back of all the kids holding up what I thought was the most

esoteric, genius protest sign of the night, said simply, why did God cancel

pushing daisies?

So... We get off the bus, cameras everywhere and shit like that. They lead

me to where I can protest, right in front of the Phelpses and shit. They're

the Phelpses. They're Shirley Phelps Roper, holding her sign, singing her

fucking songs. The Phelpses, at their protests, they like to sing protest

songs. They take a song you know, change a word, and sing it back at you. So

they'll take God Bless America and call it God Hates America.

You know, like a fucking Nazi Weird Al Yankovic family.

So they're singing God hates America, like God hates America, holding their

protest sign. The kids on the other side are chanting back like, rah, rah, rah,

rah, rah, ga, ga, rah, rah, rah.

And so over here it's God hates America, ga, ga, rah,

rah, rah.

Almost like a mashup mix going on, man.

Like a scorer for the entire evening. And as if he was being scored, into the

melee strides Malcolm with his sign.

Loki himself.

We're just ready to create trouble and shit. And I'm like, right here, Malcolm,

right here. I want him next to me. Because when that sign goes up, I want

to look right at fucking Shirley Phelps Roper's face and see her reaction.

Like, her face is going to explode, I imagine.

Like, this is brilliant. Dick tastes yummy.

So I'm like, right here, right here. And I'm holding up sign after sign. You

know, Megan keeps handing me signs to hold up to the Phelpses and press her

taking pictures. Do it for like 30 seconds, whip it away, pull another one

up and shit. And then finally I put mine down and make way for the big man.

Malcolm strides up, man, pulls the sign out from under his arm and holds it up

with such fucking earnest purpose.

You would have thought he was fucking Lloyd Dobler and say anything.

He was just like...

like in your eyes shirley so the sign goes up man and i immediately look from

the sign right to shirley because i want to see her face and i swear to you this

is what happened she didn't see it right off the bat didn't get that moment took

her about 12 to 15 seconds

Here's how it went down. She's holding two signs and singing, and finally she

sees Malcolm's sign. She's staying a bit over us. They were staying on a little

hill, so she's looking down like this way, and that's where we're standing.

She's holding their sign. She's going, God hates America.

And I'm fucking, I'm dying.

I'm like, did you see her face?

So anyway, we show the flick, and we get up there. We're going to take it out

ourselves. One of the places we're going to take it is Kansas City to the Midland

Theater and stuff.

So I'm on the phone with Afcentra, a DJ

in Kansas City, pimping this fucking gig coming up.

It's in March. And I was like, hey, man, come on out. See the flick at the Kansas

City Midland. We're going to have a good fucking time.

Everything will be great.

And then she goes, Kevin, oh, my God, Megan Phelps has called in and wants to

talk to you. And I was like, oh, okay, put her on.

And she goes, hello, Kevin, I just want you to know we're going to protest you

every chance we get, especially at the Kansas City Midland Theater.

And I was like, thank you, my marketing partners.

And I said, listen, man, I think it's ridiculous that you just keep

protesting. You haven't even seen the movie.

And she's going, yeah?

And I was like, yeah. I thought I had her on the ropes, intellectually.

And I was like, it seems ridiculous. You guys, you know, you come out, you

protest, and then the movie begins, we go inside, you don't fucking go inside.

I said, if you're coming to protest us again...

why don't you come in and watch the movie after the protest?

And she's like, what do you mean?

And I was just like, it's that simple, man. You come watch the movie.

Afterwards, I do a Q&A, but I'll bring you up on stage, and you can review the

movie for us. I said, I'm not much interested in what film critics have to

say anymore, but your review, I'd be very interested in.

And she's like, you won't let me say whatever I want. I was like, you want to

get up on stage, tell us we're all going to hell, feel free. We know we all solve

dogma, you know.

And I figured, like, I'd rather have them on stage with me that night because

that meant there was one less funeral they were standing at with signs.

I was like, fucking stand here, and we'll make fun of them.

So... So she goes... It's Megan Phelps.

She goes, well, I'm not coming alone.

And I was like, well, you can bring people.

We'll give you more tickets. She goes, well, can we get five tickets?

And I was like, yeah, man, we'll rock you with five tickets. She's like, okay,

we'll see you then. I hung up very cheery and shit.

So I hung up the phone. I talked to John Gordon. I was just like, fucking

Phelpses are coming to see the movie.

How fucking easy was that?

Then the phone rings again. I was like, shh, I pick up the phone. It's Megan

Phelps. I was like, yes. She goes, can we get 15 tickets?

And I was like, ah, fucking God hates fags, but the Lord loves a bargain,

doesn't he?

I said, yeah, I'm your hookup, man. We can get you 15. She's like, okay, you

know, and fucking boom. So they came to the protest, to the screening that

night. Once again, I put out a protest notice. I was like, the Phelps' are

going to protest us.

Let's protest them right back. The best protest signs can get in, see the flick

for free and stuff.

So a bunch of kids showed up, like the Phelps', there were 15 of them across

the street, each holding two signs, so it looked like there were 30 if you

squinted. Across the street, on the other side, the theater side of the

street, way more fucking protest kids on our behalf. My favorite sign, hands

down, of that protest was there was one kid holding this white placard on a

stick. On it is very simple design.

Onto the white background was stapled a double-page spread from what looked like

a Return of the Jedi poster magazine from 1983.

And it was just Wicket the Ewok holding his spear with his head.

kind of cocked, like they couldn't blink then, so his eyes were just kind of open

and shit. Very simple. I'd seen the image a zillion times in my life. The

only thing added was a giant Ghostbusters no sign right through it.

I'm looking at the sign and I'm just like, that's brilliant.

Like, it's so weird, abstract, and obscure, and I looked to the back

because I thought maybe he'd written, God hates Endor, but nothing.

That image said it all, you know?

And it was almost like him going, I'm still mad about this.

And you could see the Phelpses across the street were just like, what does

that one mean?

Who is that Satan bear?

And does God hate him?

So after the protest and shit, we started the movie and we invited the

Phelpses to come in. And they came in. We didn't put them on the floor. We put

them up in the balcony. Because if we put them on the floor, the whole movie

would have been like, yo!

You know, are people throwing shit at them? They're not very well liked.

So I said, let's put them up in a balcony. They'll be by themselves. They

won't get fucked with and shit.

And I came out to intro the movie, and I was just talking to them for the whole

intro because I was like, the fucking Phelpses are here, man. How amazing is

this? We're going to watch Red State with the people that kind of inspired

the movie. It's kind of like watching the king's speech with the queen of

England. Sorry, I said queen, you know.

So I said, hey, man.

Before I go any further, Shirley Phelps Roper up there anywhere.

And I saw Shirley lean forward. I said, fucking Shirley's here, everybody. Holy

shit. I said, Shirley, I ain't seen you since the Sundance protest, man. And

there's been something on my mind ever since that I've really wanted to know.

And I told that whole story that I just told you guys about Dick Tastes Yummy

and her going like that and shit like that. And so I said, okay.

Now, Shirley, this is what I want to know. When you made that face to

Malcolm's Dick Tastes Yummy sign, were you making that face because you're just

like, I don't agree with your politics, gay man?

Or were you making that face because you're like, no, it doesn't.

And she didn't fucking answer me, man. How weird is that?

So we started the movie, and we show the flag. We're showing it. About seven

minutes in, I'm sitting in the back row because I like to watch the movie tweet

while it's going on, and I feel someone tap on my shoulder.

I turn around. I fucking flinch because it's Megan Phelps because you never want

to see a Phelps that close.

I was like, hey, man, what's up? And she's like, hi, hi. We just wanted to

say goodbye before we get out of here. I was like, what do you mean get out of

here? The movie just started.

She's like, yeah, we got to go. And I was like, why? She's like, oh, Kevin,

this is filthy.

And I was like, I should put that on the poster.

What a great tagline that would be. Oh, Kevin, this is filthy. The Phelps family

or something like that.

So I was just like, you're not going to stick around? She's like, no, but we

just wanted to make sure we give you two gifts before we go.

And she reaches behind the seat, and I start getting a little scared.

You know, she's like, and the gift is Jesus's holy bullets, you know.

So at this point, I lean behind Jen a little bit.

Just in case the faith is going to start flying.

And they pull out instead two protest posters, two big protest posters. First

one said simply, God hates fag enablers, which is what I was, they classified me

as, so I kind of dug that.

And then the second one was fucking strange.

There was no rhyme or reason to it. Very abstract, almost as weird. I think they

might have taken their cues from the Ewok poster.

And they just started getting nutty, trying to out-nutty me at my game, I

guess. And the poster that they handed me said simply, they took the title

treatment of our movie, and it said simply, Red State Fags.

That was it. Then they signed the poster.

Everyone in the Phelps family.

So it was just like, you're going to burn in hell, Luke 2, Fred Phelps.

Or fucking, you know, see you in hell, but not really because you're gone and I

never will love Megan Phelps.

P.S. See you over the summer or shit like that. Just your book joke.

They all tagged it as if they were on a fucking Broadway production or something

like that. And this was my playbill.

So my wife sees it. My wife, she don't like the fucking church people begin

with. She really don't like the fucking Phelpses. And so I showed her. I was

like, look at this.

And she goes, what the fuck is this? I was like, the Phelpses gave me this. How

awesome is that?

And she was just like, ugh, throw it away.

I was like, I'm not throwing this out.

You're out of your fucking mind. She's like, you can't bring this home. I was

like, are you shitting me?

I've been battling these fucking monsters for a year, man. This is like a

trophy. This is like Batman's giant penny in the Batcave.

I said, I'm keeping this.

And she's going, no, you're not, because if you've got some poster on the wall

that says red state fags, what's that going to do to your fucking kid? Our

kid, Harley, she's 12 now. She was 11 at this point.

Wonderful kid, smart kid, big heart, beautiful heart.

She'll go places in life. She'll do shit, but she's sheltered as fuck right

now. She doesn't know how horrible the world is. She doesn't know about racism.

She doesn't know about gender bias. She doesn't know about fucking religious

war. She doesn't know about any of that shit, man. The biggest problems in her

life is she's like, oh, I've already seen this, my little punk.

And that's a good thing, because one day she's going to realize how fucking

horrible the world is. And, you know, we gird her in different ways and stuff,

but rather than expose her to all that fucking intolerance and stupidity and

whatnot, we just keep her away from it. She doesn't know anything like that kind

of exists. She wouldn't even know if we had that poster there.

Jen's big fear was she'd see it and be like, what does this mean? And then we'd

have to explain, like...

Sometimes the world can be a really horrible place and people are fucking

batshit crazy and mean sometimes. You know, you just don't want to have that

discussion yet and shit.

So that was Jen's point. She's like, you can't bring that into the house. And my

point was like, you know what, man? I earned this. I fought these people. I

earned this. I'll put it somewhere where the kid will never see it. Don't worry

about it.

So we come home from the fucking tour and we unload the bus. And just like

everybody else's house, whenever you unload from a trip, you put all the shit

in the front hallway and you're like, I'll put it away tomorrow.

And it sits there for months, you know.

So all the shit from the tour just sat in the hallway for months, including

those posters, which were leaning up against a wall, but facing the wall. So

the words were facing in. So you couldn't see what they said and whatnot.

So Jen would periodically be like, you're going to put the shit away?

And I was like, yeah, sooner or later. And months went by, and I didn't do it.

We went out to eat one night. It was me, her, and Harley.

We come back in, close the front door.

and there big as life facing us red state fags someone i guess maybe the

dogs had gotten between them and knocked them over and then whoever put them back

up didn't think to face the wall with the lettering so boom red state fucking

fat red state fags we close the door there it is and the kid locks onto it

like a fucking tractor beam she's just like looking at it like this and shit.

And Jennifer immediately looks to me and doesn't say anything except with her

eyes. And what she's saying is, you fucking fat piece of shit. I told you.

I told you not to bring this fucking home. And my eyes seem to say, come on,

please. I want to get laid later, you know.

It was such a good night. Don't let this ruin it. I didn't know this was going to

happen and shit. And I could tell, like, she's getting fucking wigged out. And

I'm getting a little wigged too because any minute now, the kid's going to turn

around and be like, what does this mean? And we're going to have to sit her down

and be like,

okay, this is the fucking reality of the real world and fucking what people are

like and what intolerance is and shit like that and words like this and how

hurtful and shitty people are and can be to one another. And we're getting ready

for that conversation, that parental conversation I didn't want to have for a

little bit longer and shit. So there we are preparing and Harley turns around

and to prove what a wonderfully sheltered kid she is, she turns around

and she goes, what is this, the sequel?

Hey. Hey.

Podcasting, Tonightly, all the movies and everything. Where do you find time

to do all of that and still do the normal things people do like eat, sleep,

shit, fuck your wife?

Yeah.

I don't do the other two as much as the third. The third, I'm...

Ever in a constant state of trying to do.

Honestly, it's about managing time. For me, weed creates time.

Basically, it's true. I don't know how else to say it.

And again, I'm not saying everybody go out and get stoned. Somebody's got to

operate the heavy machinery.

But for me, it creates time. Basically, we always feel so fucking harried, and

we always feel like there's never enough time.

That's this kind of created psychosis, like a condition of us laying pressure

on ourselves. We're one of the only species on the planet that cognizes our

own death, right? We realize one day that we're going to fucking die. Animals

don't really know that. They get scared of imminent death, but they don't go

like, what's going to happen when I cease to be?

I've just kind of became...

worried that there's not enough time, so to speak.

I mean, my father's death impacted me in a big, bad fucking way. And not, you

know, we always know our parents are eventually going to die and shit, but

how he went out was, it really affected me and kind of shaped, I guess,

everything I've been doing since to some degree. We went out one night, me and my

mom and my dad and my brother and my sister and her husband.

And my wife was with me. We all went out to eat. They had come to see me do one

of these, a Q&A. And so my mom would call me. She's like, oh, my God, your

sister's going to be in town anyway. And so I was thinking about coming up with

your dad and your brother will come with us because we'll have all our kids in

one place in the same time. We haven't had that in about seven years. My sister

lives in, at that point, I think she was living in Hong Kong or something like

that. My brother was in Florida. My parents were transitioning from Red Bank

to Florida.

So I was like, oh, please don't come. Like, it's going to pain in the ass.

Like, I'm just there to do the show and get out and stuff. And she's like, no,

we're all going to be there in the same city. So please let this happen. I was

like, all right, fair enough. Totally. I'll see you then.

I'm doing a Q&A and whatnot, having a good time, and he seemed to be enjoying

it. And afterwards, we all went out to eat. We went to Morton's Steakhouse and

got the back room, and it was wonderful.

You could tell my parents loved it, particularly my old man, because there

they were sitting with all their kids and their kids' loved ones, the people

that they went on and built lives with and shit. And that does it for a parent,

man, when you're like, oh, my God, we've kept them alive and healthy and happy,

and they didn't break, and they went on to do their own. own kind of shit. And

look at how everything's worked out for him. That really fucking does it for

him, man. And you could tell they were just beaming with fucking pride. It was

a wonderful night. We were all sitting around trying to make each other laugh

and shit. Just a great fucking time. Just a really nice fucking time.

And then I put dad and mom into a cab downstairs outside Morton's.

Kissed them on the head. I said, I'll see you guys tomorrow.

They went off to their hotel.

I went off to my hotel with Jen. Went to sleep. And then I got a phone call.

At like 5.30 in the morning.

And it was my brother. And he's like, you've got to get down to the hospital.

I'm walnut right now. I was like, why, why? He's like, dad's in the hospital.

And I was like, ugh, again?

Because my father had bad health. He was diabetic, heart attack, stroke.

So him going to the hospital was kind of a regular thing. You know, never really

hardcore emergencies. But he'd been in and out of the hospital. It was no real

great shock or surprise. I was like, all right, well, when Jen gets up, we'll

head over.

And my brother goes, get down here now.

And I hung up and I was like, oh, shit. And I didn't even wake up Jen, throw my

clothes, went down to the hospital and got through the emergency room doors and

I saw.

Some I'd never seen before. So horrifying.

It was my mother crying, but not crying. Cause I, you know, I've seen her cry.

Like she watched the thorn bird. She used to cry and shit.

Shogun. Oh, so beautiful. You know, or fucking like if I wrote a nice poem,

she'd cry. This was different.

This was the crying that one does. Like when someone's fucking scared big time,

like when somebody, their life is hanging in the balance or something like

that. She was.

uh she couldn't put words together she was hyperventilating she was like oh god

jesus please god oh god don't take him please she's just rambling desperately

crying but very frightening and in her and while she was speaking um and i'd

never seen that before i looked behind her because my brother is kind of

holding her and she's facing me so she doesn't see my brother's face and my

brother's face just tells the story he's just like and i I didn't realize. I was

like, oh my God, he's gone?

And I go into the emergency room and I was like, Donald Smith?

And they're like, I'm sorry, he passed. And they took me into the room.

There's my father laying on a gurney, just dead.

It still has a tube sticking out of them, and they're trying to intubate

them or something like that, but just motionless, quiet, no breathing

whatsoever. And it was weird. I mean, to say the least, you always know

eventually your parents are going to go, but I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for

that fucking moment. When I was a kid, I used to lay on the floor while my father

watched Bowling for Dollars, and he would lay kind of like if the TV's here,

he'd lay on his back kind of like Snoopy on his side, like in front of the TV,

stomach up on his back with his head.

TV like that. And I would lay on the floor on his stomach watching Bowling

for Dollars and shit. And so after I saw him on the stretcher, I put my head on

his chest because I realized that was it. That was the last time I was ever

going to do that. And it wouldn't creep him out because he was dead.

So I did it and then I walked out and I went outside and had a cigarette. I was

still a cigarette smoker in those days. And I was just thinking about...

being half an orphan or halfway to being an orphan or something like that.

My brother comes out, and I was like, oh, I can't believe it, right? He goes,

yeah, it's pretty tough.

And I said, how was it? Because my brother was there. He was staying with

my parents.

And Donald, without missing a beat, my brother goes, dad died screaming.

And I was like, what?

And he goes, dad died screaming.

I said, what do you mean? He's like, well, he woke up and he was kicking the

sheets off and screaming about being on fire. And he was so hot and so hot and

get him water and fucking screaming.

The screaming got louder and louder and it reached a fever pitch and he died.

And I don't know how else to say it, but dad died screaming.

And that fucking hit me like a Mack truck because I've known my father my

whole life at that point. And, you know, some people here worship their parents.

My father was not a guy that, you know, made fucking advancements in technology

or did anything really all that important in life whatsoever.

I remember asking him once, Dad, what were your dreams?

And he was just like, well, I just wanted to get married and have kids. So

I guess it kind of happened. He was a good dude. And he worked at the post

office his whole fucking life, you know, just to pay for the family that he had.

He didn't necessarily like working. the post office or believe in the mail or

something, but it was what he needed to do to pay for his fucking wife and his

kids and stuff like that. This is a huge compliment that I always try to pay him.

Some people take it the wrong way, but it's very important. He never fucked a

child.

That's important.

You know, in this world, fucking a lot of people you hear about, you know,

fucking or just like, oh my God, I got molested by an adult and shit. My father

had no interest in that kind of thing. Hung out with kids all the time. Never

once saw him like eyeballing children.

And that made me proud. Never tried to fuck me either. You know, that was a big

plus in my book.

Just a good fucking dude. An upstanding kind of citizen. Went to church.

Always did what he was told and shit.

You know, his wife bossed him around, but he was fucking happy to do whatever

she said.

Good fucking dude. Good dude. Deserved way better than to die screaming.

But that good dude, he did die screaming.

And I remember thinking, oh my God, in this world, where even a good man like

my old man is going to die screaming, there's no point in not trying to

achieve every fucking dream that I have. This is my eventual end. One day...

That's it.

And I really felt like, man, this is my future.

We're all probably going to go out screaming. So the best thing to do prior

to that is to try to pack that life with as much...

wonderfulness, fun, productivity.

Surround yourself with people that are going to fucking help you do that.

You know, because in this world, there's not a lot of support.

There's a lot of negativity.

There's a lot of fucking cynicism. Even as I sit here and tell that story about

my fucking father dying, I guarantee you there's a cynical head in this house,

maybe more, sitting there going, who cares? Move on. Tell a dick joke. The

world is full of fucking why, man. You tell people something, they'll tell you

why. Throw a rock and you'll hit somebody with why. Like, hey, man, I

want to make a movie. Why?

Why do you think you could do that?

Why? Why? Nobody else is doing it. Why are you doing it? There's so much

fucking why. You go out and you find why not.

You surround yourself with why not. People are just like, why not? Where

you're like, hey, man, I'm going to try something. Like, all right, why not?

Let's give it a shot.

People will try to help you do your dreams, make your dreams come true. And

shouldn't you do the same for fucking them? We're all in this together.

And it costs nothing to encourage a fucking artist. That's why I get up here

for almost 20 years now after the movie, man. There ain't a lot of filmmakers get

up after the movie and spend more time than the movie itself talking. But I've

been trying to impart one simple lesson for nearly 20 fucking years.

Anybody can do this. You know what I'm saying? Like I wasn't born into a

business or the film business or born with a mic in my hands. I have no

fucking discernible talent whatsoever, man. I have no connections to the

business. We're from fucking New Jersey and stuff. I got lucky. Somebody picked

up the movie and boom, I was off and running. And part of that manifest when

you're brought into the indie film community, part of your...

job, part of your honor, part of your privilege, is to make sure that keeps

going, to encourage other people, you know, to tell people it's worth the

shot. Just like Wayne Gretzky said, like, you miss 100% of the shots you

never take. It's always worth the fucking shot.

Now, if you're talking about, like, if what your shot is, is you're like, I've

always wanted to kill 12 children, Kevin, don't take that shot at all.

I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about artsy shit, writing a blog,

fucking making some music, making a movie, making a fucking cupcake store,

fucking a knitting store, fucking putting together a YouTube clip, just

anything that's just not fucking, oh, we must do this because it's part of my job

or this will get money. Some shit you just do just to see if it can be done.

Live a why not life, man, because we're all going to die fucking screaming. So

make sure...

When you die screaming, you're totally fulfilled. You're like, I took all the

shots. I did it. I went after everything I wanted to or at least tried.

Take the shot. The shot is always fucking worth taking. Whether it's a

dopey thing like fucking podcasting or writing a book or fucking writing a

blog, think about the encouragement you get. When you encourage an artist, think

about the potential that comes out of it. You tell a dude, good job, man. That

person maybe one day writes that blog that you meme out to the entire world

because it says exactly what you always wanted to say but couldn't yourself. or

they write that fucking song that you play over and over after a loved one

fucking dies because it means the world to you. They make that fucking movie

that is the one you cling to when everything is going wrong in life. Oh,

you pop that in and fucking things aren't bad for two hours. All that comes

from encouraging an artist. Nothing good comes from discouraging an artist. So

for fucking 20 years, I keep coming up here and going, go out and do it. Why

the fuck aren't you doing this? It's so fun. You should fucking do it. Take your

fucking shot. I took my shot and it's nothing but pussy and... you know just

so I'm here to tell you man give it a shot go out and try

I

see I was wondering I just saw red state two weeks ago and thought it was awesome

and then I read an interview that made me kind of sad. About a week later, I

read that you might stop directing.

And so I was wondering, is that true? And if so, what are you going to be

doing? What can we look forward to after that?

Yeah, I am. I'm going to stop directing. I've got one more flick that I want to

make. I'm going to stop directing flicks to take out and put in theaters, the

same shit I've been doing for the last 20 years.

I'm not going to say, like, I'm never going to direct again. Like, if somebody

was like, hey, man, we want you to do Clerks the musical, I'd be like, okay.

That's fucked. I never saw that coming, you know.

Or if somebody, like, you know, wants to, like, hey, you want to shoot a

pilot, direct a pilot. I've directed a pilot before for Reaper and stuff. That

was fun. I would consider stuff like that.

But in terms of, like, just me, like, you know, making flicks and then taking

them out there the same way that I've been doing for 20 years.

No, I just feel like it's kind of time to stop. Because you've got to love your

fucking art. It's not enough to just be like, oh, my art is my fucking career.

That's like being married to somebody for a few years and being like, we don't

fuck anymore, but maybe twice a year, but we're such good friends.

No, passion has to be there, man. You've got to tap that regularly.

And sometimes it kind of goes away and you miss it.

You want to feel about your art.

The way you feel about like the chick in high school or that dude in college or

that person that you met who took your breath away. The person that like

separated you from your friends, not intentionally in a Yoko Ono kind of way.

But just kind of like, oh, my God, this person's fascinating.

Like, for me, it was a chick. Like, oh, my God, everything she says is amazing.

I don't want to hang out with my friends. I'd rather hang out with her.

And so you push your friends over for a little bit. Like, you want to go out?

And you're like, no, I'm going to hang out with this chick. She's fucking

amazing. And she enlightens you. She teaches you things. She's fucking

beautiful. And she's sexy. And she fucks like the demon, you know?

She's everything you dreamed about, and she's interested in you for some reason.

She's turned the fucking sun onto you for some unknown reason. You don't ever

want to let that go. Once you've been stood in the light of the sun, shit, you

never want the moon and shit. So you work hard to stay around that, and you

love being around her, and you do things together. She's the kind of broad that

she's like, you're like, hey, man, you want to go to Denny's? She's like, fuck

yeah, I love moons over Miami, you know.

And you're like, oh.

I got one of the good ones, and you're sitting there in fucking Denny's, eating

across from one another, splitting like a moon's over my hammy, and she's like

rubbing your leg from under the table, and you look up at her, and she's

looking at you with those eyes, those bedroom eyes, and you know that fucking

expression. You're just like, what?

And she's like, let's go fuck in the bathroom.

And you're like, we can't go fuck in the bathroom, man. There are people here,

the old couple's looking at us. The waitress is going to think we're going

to dine and jit. She's like...

I'll tell you what, I'm going to go in the bathroom. I'm going to wait to get

fucked. I hope it's you.

And off she goes, man, to the bathroom. And you're like, whoop, whoop, whoop,

whoop. And you're fucking looking around. And you're scared. And your

heart's fucking racing.

And you look at the old couple who's sitting there enjoying the fucking early

bird special. And the lady, the woman, older woman, 60, 70 maybe, is looking at

you and just like so disapprovingly. And her husband is like, go.

So you get the fuck up and you go to the fucking bathroom, man, and you look and

you hope maybe she's in the men's, but no, she's gonna make you work for it.

And so you go in the ladies' bathroom, man, and you go into the stall, and

there she is, and you fucking lock the door, and you've got a foot under the

stall to kind of hold the bathroom door closed, and you start fucking hardcore

in the Denny's bathroom right against the toilet wall, man.

Foot goes in the fucking bowl. She hits the flusher and shit. She's loud in

Denny's, you know.

Everybody fucking knows what's going on, and you are fucking the shit out of her

in a Denny's bathroom, and that's how you have to feel about your art, man.

You got to love your art.

So much that you will fuck it in the Denny's bathroom just like that. Just

when she suggests it. Even though nothing good could possibly come from it

except, you know, you get to come. But it's that thing, that spark that keeps

it fucking alive.

And I didn't have that for a while. For a while, I was into that. Like, we're

good friends.

We don't fuck as much anymore. But, you know, you don't need that in a

relationship. Yes, you do.

That's the glue. That's the mighty fucking glue. The passion. I'm not just

saying, fuck, and your art is better. No, I'm saying passion fuels that kind

of shit. of shit and passion reads you could see passion and you could see shit

that's not passion and for me i just wanted to go back to playing at that

level i said you know what man i could sit here and tread water for the next 20

fucking 10 20 years let's be honest my fucking fat heart's gonna give out five

years 10 years i could do that or I could fucking put it down and give it to

people who deserve it, youthful people.

Like, I was a young buck once, came in, I got tons of ideas, and someone had to

push aside on the trough and let me in and shit, and it's time to do that for

someone else. It's cyclical, circle of life kind of thing. Pick up the lion cub

and then feed it to a snake or something. I forget.

I haven't seen that movie in a while.

You know, but you kind of make way. There's that. There's that aspect.

And now I've gotten to a point where it's like if I don't have the fire in

the belly stories to tell, I shouldn't be telling them. So I was thinking that.

I was like, okay, go out big, man. It's time to finish.

Let's complete.

And that's how I became obsessed with the notion of completing, finishing the

career. Nobody ever really tries to do that. And then I was just like, wow,

that would be cool. That would be neat. Nobody's ever really been like, these

are my films and now I'm done. I was like, let me try that because this was

always something I never thought I'd really get into. It just kind of

happened by accident. So I was like, all right, let me see if I can finish. And

how do I finish?

First three movies I started with, the trilogy, the Jersey trilogy, those are

the movies I most identified for, Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy. And that

was the young me, the young filmmaker that was like, I want to try making

flicks. So I felt like, go out with the three films least likely for that person

to make. And that's you growing as an artist. That's what I said to myself.

So part one of that.

I'm sorry to say, was Cop Out. And when I say I'm sorry to say, I don't mean I

apologize for the movie. Like, some people have a real fucking hard time

with that movie.

Thank you. It's fine. But for me, it was important to make. I had to make that

fucking movie. That was part one. I needed to get inside a studio and take a

sniff around and see if I was making the right decision. Because before I walked

away from film, I said to myself, well...

Steven Soderbergh, he makes flicks for himself, and then he makes flicks for

the studio. Maybe you can be that guy.

You know, and I'd kind of dip my toe in the water of directing somebody else's

script before with the Reaper pilot and whatnot.

So I was like, let me see. Let me see if I could do a studio movie. Maybe that's

what, you know, all these years I've been sitting there going, oh, I don't do

that. That's not the thing for me. But maybe I could. Maybe I've just been

saying no, and it'll fit well.

And it fucking fits so well, with the exception of fucking Bruce being Bruce.

Everything else about that experience was really good. The studio and I got

along really well. Like, I'm pretty easy to get along with and shit once I'm on

your side.

And when we were done fucking shooting Cop Out, man, they handed me five

scripts. They were like, take your pick.

I don't know, did you ever read The Dark Knight Returns? The graphic novel?

Frank Miller. I think it's page one of the, you know, Bruce Wayne.

Spoilers, Bruce Wayne is Batman.

In the Dark Knight Returns, he gives up being Batman. He hasn't been Batman for

like 10 years. And he's a billionaire fucking thrill-seeking playboy at this

point. And he's driving like a Formula One racer. And it's about to fucking

blow apart.

It's about to wreck it big time.

And the line, I love it. It always stuck with me. The line that he says, his

internal monologue is, this would be a good death.

And then the very next panel, he goes, but not good enough.

And then boom, the story begins. And I felt that way about Warner Brothers, not

in a way of like they're dying, going there would be dying. No, it would have

been a good death. Like I could have spent the rest of my life hosting

movies, like just getting paid millions of dollars just to make sure everyone on

set was happy and making sure that all those units that helped put the movie

together, first, second, third units, you know, get the material that I kind

of have my head around that I want to direct.

It would have been easy. It would have been a good death. And then I was just

like, that ain't me.

The movies I dream about making are like Quentin Tarantino movies, you know, the

Coen Brothers movies. Those are the films that I watch where I'm like, these

fuckers are magicians, man.

Like, I wish I could do that. That's kind of amazing. I always call them

adult films. I was like, I want to make an adult film one day.

And my wife was like, that's fucking porn, you idiot.

And I was like, well, I want to make one of those too.

The notion of kind of...

doing something, going out fucking hardcore, going out the way I came in. I

needed to cut a bunch of ties.

Me and critics had had this weird kind of, you know, I was taught early on, you

got to fucking appreciate the critics. And it was true, absolutely true. When I

first got in, they're like, man, you need critics to get your work to the

fucking people. Nobody's going to see your flicks unless fucking people are

talking about it in the media. And the thing that I was always afraid of is

pissing off a fucking critic because then I'd lose them forever.

And then I was like, wait, that's what I need. Like in order to fucking make Red

State, I can't. give a shit what anybody thinks, especially a critic. And that's

what I would have been doing the whole fucking time.

Whole time.

And I don't mean that.

That's not a slam.

That's not me going, fuck critics, let's find them and kill them. No, not at all.

But I knew that, like, there's no fucking way I could have made that movie

if I was thinking about what are they going to say.

You know, that's not how I made Clerks. I didn't make it going, what are they

going to say? I didn't want to make this movie going, what are they going to say?

This movie meant too much to me. And I knew I had two movies left that I wanted

to do, Red State being one, Hit Somebody being the other. So for me, I was like,

I got to do this on my terms. Let me do the process the way it makes sense to me

now. Years and years I've done it the way everybody else does it. Let me kind

of make myself a place where I can make some fucking art. Because for years I

didn't even call myself an artist, man. People would be like, art filmmaker.

I'm like, eh, I don't know if what we do is art and shit. I was ashamed. It was a

dirty word and whatnot.

But now on my way out the door, I'm like, oh, my God, art is what got me

here. Art is amazing and shit. I'm not going to be shamed about my art anymore.

That's the problem. For years and years.

people would just fucking tell me, you're wrong, you're bad, you failed at

self-expression. Do you know what a fucking crock of shit that is?

Do you know how fucking rigged that is, where somebody can literally tell you in

print or on a TV like this or that that you, as an artist, failed at self

-expression? You find another director. I've never met another director in my

life who'd be like, dude, you failed at self-expression.

There may be people being like, I don't like your movie, it didn't speak to me,

but somebody being like, it's broken, it's failed, it's fucking this, it's a

D, it's an F, it's thumbs down.

It's fucking ridiculous. And for years I used to like sit there and be like, I'm

bad.

Why can't I be better for them? You know?

Fucking ridiculous, until one day you get old enough where you're like, wait a

second, how the fuck can somebody tell me that my self-expression is wrong?

Even if that fucking self-expression is cop-out, how could that fucking be

wrong? Like, at the end of the day, art is art. You show 100 people something,

you're going to have 100 different fucking reactions. It's not going to be

uniform. And consensus don't make it art. Consensus just makes it kind of, I

don't know, fast food or crap or something like that. Like, we've got

everybody going like, yay, and shit like that. I don't know, that's not art to

me. And for a long time, all I wanted... to do is get everybody going yay and

then I remember that 21 year old kid who was like no man sometimes it's got to be

messy sometimes it's great if they don't like it sometimes it's great if half the

people love it and half the people hate it because then they start talking about

it and that's fucking art as long as you don't fucking scroll that movie and the

credits are going and suddenly the audience goes meh I've seen it before

you know give them something that knocks them off their feet good or bad and

that's fucking art so I wanted to go out doing that but in order to make Red

State I had to cut those fucking ties so the First tie I had to cut big time was

fucking critics.

And right around that time when they were going, like, oh, cop out and fuck

it, I did the thing that I was so terrified of doing for years. The first

big fear where I was like, fucking, all right, if I could do this, I could do

anything and shit. Mind you, this was coming after fucking Southwest Airlines,

so I was already feeling pretty fearless.

So I went out there and I said, hey, maybe you guys suck at your jobs.

And the fucking shrapnel dude, it was like an emo bomb went off on the

Internet.

This is interesting. I never fucking realized this.

Critics don't like to be criticized.

What a fucking shock, man. And so a lot of them went after me and fucking, oh,

listen to him. He fucking thinks he's, we could do it without critics. He's

fucking crazy.

There were motherfuckers who literally were insisting that my career was due to

the critics.

Critics gave him his career. And right at that point, I was like, you know

what? Take it. I'll fucking burn the Kevin Smith career right down to the

ground. I'll take a fucking chainsaw to it. If you think you did that, I'll just

go over here and start again, bitch, because fucking nobody did that but me

and my fucking friends.

So... And

people...

People will try to dismiss that or paint that as like, oh, he's mad. He's mad.

He's bitter. It's not bitterness.

That's fucking passion.

You know what I'm saying? That's the idea of being like, I love my art so

much, I don't give a fuck about you. I'm going to be off here making my art. You

say what you will. I've read one review on fucking Red State, and it was from

Todd McCarthy. It was the first review I saw out of Sundance. And Todd McCarthy

hadn't given me a good review in fucking years.

He gave me a wonderful review and I was like, it ain't never gonna be better

than this. And I never read anything else except Twitter. Twitter is where I

read every review, man. Number one, it's way easier to read 140 character review.

That doesn't navel gaze. Number two, like those are cats that actually bought

fucking tickets.

In those cases, when we were on the road doing the tour, 50, 65 bucks a ticket,

paying a lot of money. So you damn skip me. I'm interested in their opinion and

stuff. So that's where I would go for feedback. That to me, I was like, all

right, that's what you're going to get. You're going to lose critics. If you go

out there and fucking fuck with them and tell them like, you guys, maybe I think

your jobs are unnecessary.

You're going to lose them. And I knew that and I accepted it. And I said,

okay, that's a good place to start from. If like, right off the bat you tell

critics you all suck and they're gunning for the next movie then you're fucking

fearless you know at the end of the day you're like all right fucking I know it

every review will be bad so now I could just work from a place of I don't give a

shit let's make art and it was great man so anytime I see critics and they're

just like oh cop out fucking sucked man but thank god red state you redeemed

yourself number one I hate shit talk like that but number two I'm like hey

man cop out was essential way essential get to red state here I'll give you the

The bare fucking essentials. When people go like, fucking cop out. Why couldn't

he have skipped it? I was trying to make Red State for five fucking years. Nobody

would give me the money to make that movie. Nobody.

I had a lawyer and an agent for years telling me, hey man, if you ever leave

the Weinstein brothers, I can put you into money so quick for your fucking

movies. There's money out there for your flicks in the world. You don't even have

to work with those guys. You can get money to make any flick. And I gave them

this flick for Red State and they came back and they're like, nobody wants to

make this movie.

This is not a Kevin Smith movie. And that went on for years and years and

years until one day, Elise Seiden, who was one of the producers on the movie,

walked me and John Gordon into the office of a man, gentleman in New York,

who was in the clothing business.

Not a film guy, but likes the movies.

And wanted to help Elise get her film career off the ground. Said, if you ever

find a flick that you want to invest in, let me know. And it took her three

years, and she found Red State. She was like, I would like to do this. So we go

in to meet this dude, wonderful dude.

but this is exactly what happened. I shit you not.

Sat down and talked to him. I go, did you read the script? He goes, no, I

don't need to read the script.

I said, why?

He goes, well, I don't care about that kind of thing.

And I said, right on, right on. You sound like everybody in the movie

business.

He goes, but number two, man, I don't need to because I know that you're

legit. And I said, what do you mean? He goes, I saw a movie, had your name next

to Bruce Willis' name, so I know that you know how to make movies, how much

you need.

And you know what? Every critic that's like, well, fuck Cop Out. It's like in a

world where they weren't giving me $4 million to make Cop Out, you know, to

make Red State, Cop Out did. Cop Out afforded me that fucking opportunity.

Plus, it afforded me the opportunity to just...

hone my craft, like try something kind of different that led right to fucking

Red State. You know, me and Dave got to work on that movie, Davey Klein, and

then we get to Red State and take the fucking gloves off Dave Klein for the

first time in his life, and he gets to shoot a hell of a fucking motion

picture, you know? Because unfortunately, when you're Kevin Smith's

DP, most people are just like, oh yeah, you shoot those movies where the camera

never moves, you know? And Dave is like, well, that's the fat one's idea.

I would love to move the camera, you know?

And finally on this film he did, but he got to move the camera because we're

making art this time. The whole time we were making Redstairs. We're making art

now, boys. This is art. We're back in the world of art. And that's what it

was. It was so weird and dopey and experimental that we just kept it going

even through distribution.

Like the idea of keeping it ourselves and just trying to earn the money back

without... You know, spending on marketing and stuff.

Everything about it was fun and intriguing and kind of invigorating.

Like, if it's fun for you as the artist, how much more fun is it going to be for

your fucking audience?

And that's what it was, man. I could talk about Red State until I'm blown to

face because it means so fucking much to me. And that translates.

You know, some people have seen Red State and be like, don't retire now.

This motherfucker's good. I'm like, yeah, but I can't do that every time

now. It took me 20 years to get to Red State. There ain't going to be another

Red State for another 10 fucking 50 years. 15 years, maybe.

You know, I got one left to hit somebody, the hockey flick, which will

become two flicks, and they'll be full of fucking fire and passion and whatnot

because I'm coming right off a red state. But after that, I swear to you,

it would be diminishing returns.

It wouldn't be the same thing anymore.

It would be like, Kev Smith's involved in Mighty Ducks 10, you know.

And I'm like, well, I always did love hockey.

And I don't want to do that. My fans mean the fucking world to me. The people

that support me, the people that have put asses in seats and fucking money in

my pocket and allowed me to live the life that I've lived for 20 years mean

the fucking world to me. And the idea of giving them inferior stories,

films, whatever the fuck.

It just, I can't do that. I don't want to do it. Some people have been, you've

been doing it for years. Not really.

Not in my estimation.

You know, that's the thing. Somebody could tell you, again, like, you fucking

failed, whatever. It's their opinion. But in my estimation, I haven't given

less. I haven't fucking failed the audience yet, and I never want to fail

the audience. You know, the audience means the fuck. Don't, don't, don't,

don't, don't. No, no, no, no, no.

The audience means the world to me for this very simple fucking reason.

Sometimes, as an artist, you have to reach out and grab somebody else's words

to describe exactly how you feel. And that's irritating, because I have a

pretty big vocabulary, and I'm fairly adept at self-expressing. But in an

instance like this, whenever I talk about the audience, I can't even find

the fucking words, so I have to reach into wordsmiths far more powerful than

myself. You guys have always been the wind beneath my wings.

Do you all have a good time tonight, ladies and gentlemen?

I cannot thank you enough. This is a cool thing for a guy like me to do.

Thank you for being here. Thanks for being a part of it. Thank you for the

greatest year of my life. I appreciate that.

Good night, everybody.

I love you, Austin.

Good night.