Original subtitles

Romantic summer evenings,

mornings kissed with dew,

no accidental meetings.

With the first glance,

you cast a loveless spell.

Strayed from my plans,

I stumbled and fell.

If I could tear a page from my foolish heart,

though I despise you, love,

never should we part.

And then...

Back to KZW, Los Angeles radio.

There's still shake, rattle, and rolling after last night's 5.3 aftershock. Now,

we were asking what happens when you happen to spot Mr.

or Mrs. Wright not five feet away in the car beside you. Now, what the heck do

you do?

Gotta call her. Call her from her car phone, no less. Okay, Jill, you still

with us?

Yeah, there's this really cute guy in the car next to me who's, like, looking

at me. What do I do?

What do you do? Smile back at him. What if he's the man of your dreams?

Now, Jill, is he still looking at you? I don't know. I'm afraid to look.

Go on. Give him a big smile when you get to lose.

Okay. Hold on.

You still there, Jill?

Jill? Yeah.

I'm styling.

What do I do now?

Just keep flashing those pearly whites, cuz.

We've got another cell phone caller. This one's from Brentwood. Hi, there.

You're on the air.

Are you okay?

Yeah, are you?

Okay. I'm fine.

Okay, good.

I was just worried about... The overpass?

Right. Ever since the earthquake. Right.

Well, look, I better mark down your phone number.

We should exchange addresses.

Right, okay.

I'm sorry.

What's your name?

Nina? Oh, no, it's Xena.

With a Z.

Oh, Zena, I think you're kind of right like you drive.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry. I just couldn't help overhear you grinding your gears back there.

I didn't grind my gears, but you cut me off.

I cut you off. You cut me off.

Okie dokie, Zena. Better take a look at your driver's license, too.

Fine. May I see yours?

Oh, sure.

Hey, have you got a driver's license?

Do you have insurance?

I mean, I hope you have insurance.

I have insurance, but I won't be needing insurance because it wasn't my fault.

Really? Mr.

Cool Guy sitting in your car, what do you think happened? Well, what happened,

Miss Ticking Time Bomb Waiting to Go Off, was that you floored right into me,

and by the looks of your car, I think it's a habit. Fuck you!

Canyon fires continue to rage out of control, burning homes and swelling

relief shelters.

The good news is a storm looms off the California coast and weather forecasters

are predicting torrential rains to hit late this evening, hopefully putting out

the fires.

The bad news is the rains will likely cause devastating mudslides.

What's the buzz?

It's going to be a hit, old man.

They're going to be rich, famous.

Just the sort of friend I need right now. Good, I'm glad it means so much to

you, Charles.

We'll throw huge parties.

They'll write me parts. Come, they don't write anymore.

Well, cheers.

Tomorrow's grosses prove you're right.

Oh, look. Here comes the ultimate barometer.

She wants another twirl, you're in fat city.

Davis, great job on the script.

Let's have lunch sometime.

Well, that's good.

She didn't say hello to me. Well, don't take it to heart, Charlie. You just have

nothing she needs right now.

Oh, sure. Now there's a looker.

It's Andy Ross. She's the head of Major.

The question is, what's the approach?

I don't know. Why don't you casually sidle up to her, explain that you're an

unemployed, broke actor with absolutely nothing going for you. I'm sure she'll

respond favorably. You think so?

Hmm.

Oh, that.

What is it? The 1900th disaster?

Andy!

Charles Oliver, excuse me for interrupting.

I just wanted to say, how much good your studio contribution's done for the IRA?

The IRA?

The fire victims. I've been lending a hand.

Volunteer work.

Oh, you mean the FRA?

Oh, God, the FRA, of course.

It's been such a day down there.

How wonderful to be helping out.

Oh, well, it's only human. I mean, yes, I'm an actor. Yes, I need the work.

But a situation like this, people are suffering.

You know.

How easy it is to forget that. Yes. My father did the same thing during the

war. He was a struggling actor.

Your father? Who wasn't?

Frederick Oliver.

Yes, he was indeed.

Oh, my God. I can see it. I see the resemblance.

There is a bit, isn't there?

Charles, hello. How are you?

Shameless. Hi.

Hello. I'm Alice Weatherby. Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you. You know, I was

talking to Sam Steuben about the Mutiny on the Bounty remake, and he suggested I

talk to you about casting.

Really? Why me?

He's the producer.

Right. So Joe just talked to me about a project, you directing, you writing, not

a llama this time, a moose.

Oh, great.

Hey, when can I direct human beings? Is that going to happen in my lifetime?

You interested in writing it? A moose? A moose. It's funny stuff. You wrote Sam

and Guillermo?

Why, yes, I did. Oh, fantastic.

Master story.

Were you at the screening tonight?

No, but I heard. Oh, you heard?

How did Sam?

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God.

Is this...

Is this a joke? Did somebody set you up for this? It was an accident.

Oh, it was an accident.

I couldn't help it. You bumped into me.

Oh, right. I bumped into you. Well, at least this time you admit it. I'll just

fix it. It's just water.

Oh.

Okay.

Could you hold this for just a second? I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Yeah, I thought it was very... That's what I'm saying, Sam.

I mean, I'm telling you, this guy really... Yeah, well... Maybe he lacks a

certain... No, you know, I've talked to him about that. He doesn't do it

anymore. Excuse me.

Mr. Steuben?

Alice Weatherby, casting director.

That's okay.

You know, I've always wanted to meet you.

Why's that, Alice?

Well, you're a great producer.

That's true.

Anything else?

You're... handsome.

You think I'm handsome, Seller?

I think you're very handsome, Sam.

Yeah, well, he's an agent.

You know, I heard you were producing the remake of Mutiny on the Bounty.

The what?

The Mutiny on the Bounty remake. Oh, and you want to cast it.

Gee, now that you mention it, yeah.

Top balance. Casting directors are a dime a dozen.

Anyway, we're doing rewrites now. What I need now is a good, fresh writer.

That's what I'm saying, Sam.

That's why you gotta meet my guy. I mean, he's brilliant, and he's here. I

mean, I can introduce you to him. You know, I know a lot of good writers, too.

Well, find me a good writer we might have something to talk about.

Be right back.

Zeke, you're gonna owe me.

This genius.

He wrote Sam and the Llama in one week.

Well, congratulations.

Looks like you might have a hit.

Oh, yeah, and they're already talking about sequels.

Llama Goes to Moscow, Llama Goes to Paris, Llama Llama Ding Dong.

Sam, this is my roommate, Zina Hart.

She's an amazing writer.

Very nice to meet you. Malcolm X and the Nation of Islam.

You know this guy?

Well, we... We've bumped into each other.

So you're an amazing writer, huh?

She's the best.

I'm going to get some croutons. Why don't you come with me? You can tell me

about yourself.

Sorry, boys.

Bitch. Brian. Not now.

But... You know, I don't want to tell you this, Brian, but Lefkowitz from

Gershey's been calling me. Relax. My papers are up. I don't need this shit.

Relax. Boy, come on. Relax.

Alone he climbs to the mountains of primal pain, and never once does his

step resound to the soundless fate.

That's beautiful.

It's Rilke, Duino Elegies.

I was a poetry major in college. Look, see if you can get me a meeting with

Steuben. Piece of cake. Don't worry about it. Tomorrow, before the reviews

come out? Would you relax? It's gonna be fine. She's just cute.

Really?

You remind me of this girl who was in my class.

Oh. Yo.

I got it.

Thanks.

Anyway, we... We went out that.

I'll tell you later.

Okay. A little personal.

Well, whenever you're ready.

No, no, please.

Let me.

Thank you, Charles.

Perhaps we can have lunch sometime.

Here. Call me at the studio.

Love to.

Nice.

Ryan? Where have you been?

I've been looking for you all night.

Right. Give me the ticket. I'll get the car.

Marsha! Hi.

Could I pinch a five?

I'm sorry, I don't have anything.

Megan, do you have the money on you? Sure.

Sweetie, do you have my bus? Shh. It's just, everyone's at the bottom, you

know, and you're always...

Such an asshole. I'm just sorry.

Sure you are.

Condom? At least you do some things safely.

No, I got it.

Thank you. I'm fine.

I don't need your help.

What'd you make for this?

How'd your little chat with Steuben go?

Great, thanks.

You think you got the job?

Can't in the bag.

I'm wondering, just...

What exactly have you written?

Two shorts.

Oh, and now you'd like to write some trousers.

Very funny. They both won awards. I've been here six months. What have you had

produced? Well, I don't know. Only tonight's premiere.

What? Sam and the Llama?

Yeah. Sam and the Llama. You wrote Sam and the Llama. What, so funny? No, no,

no, no. It was great. It was great. It's great. You're a ball of talent. Hey,

hey, look. It's a family movie. It's gonna make a shitload of money.

Good, because my car is going to cost you a fortune.

Okay, I tell you what.

Let's have a bet. If you get the stupid deal, I will pay for your car.

If I get it, you pay for mine.

Deal?

Deal.

Good luck, Xena.

Yes, thank you.

I don't need the luck. Which way are you headed, anyway?

That way. Okay, I tell you what. I'll drive that way and stay off the freeway,

okay? Careful merging. Okay, say hi to your grandma.

You give me a lift.

Carl's in the shop.

Charles, you don't have a car.

That's right.

Damn.

S.S. Productions, how can I help you?

S.S. Productions.

Hi. S.S. Productions.

Oh, I know. I was just dropping off a script for Mr. Steuben.

He's not in his office right now.

How can I help you?

Are you talking to me? Yes, I am. Oh, I'm sorry.

SS Productions.

How can I help you?

I said, how can I help you?

Oh, I'm sorry. I was dropping off a script for Mr. Steuben. We don't accept

unsolicited scripts.

Well, he told me last night at the... SS Productions.

Party. SS Productions.

Would this be Sam Steuben's office?

Yes, it would. How can I help you? Just confirming my boss's lunch. Where was it

set again?

That would be at one o'clock.

At Visconti. Okay, thank you very much. I'll let him know.

Very much. A quarter or something? No, no, no, no, no. You sure?

No problem.

No problem. All right.

Okay.

Miss Andy Ross, please.

Charles Oliver calling.

Charles, how are you?

God, it's just hell down here.

Where are you?

Santa Clarita. The mudslides.

Andy, the rain is letting up and I could really use a break.

You wouldn't by any chance be free for lunch, would you?

Well, maybe I can get away.

Oh, wonderful.

What about Visconti's?

Just before my father died, he took me back to Yorkshire and he said to me,

Charles, you've got the gift.

Don't give up the acting.

I had such a crush on your dad when I was a little girl. I used to watch his

movies over and over again.

Got a bit of mud on your spoon.

He would have loved you.

Captain Bly.

Mr. Christian.

Fathers and sons Turgenev.

That's the angle.

Smart. Smart.

Genius.

Who's Turgenev? I like this guy.

What's his price?

Excuse me, just a moment.

I don't know, Sam.

Depends on how many pictures we're talking about.

Who decided to eat outside?

You know, they said it was going to be 80. Oh, hi.

Hello. Sam, how are you? Please join us. Oh, thanks. Thanks.

We're just having a... Excuse me.

We're just having a big power meeting about mutiny.

Listen, Andy, I am absolutely mortified.

Charles. No, no, no, no.

Forgetting my wallet is inexcusable. I'm going to have a check messaged over

first thing this afternoon.

Oh, don't be... Please. The studio will take it.

Oh, okay.

Listen, Charles, I've been thinking.

You know we're doing a remake of Mutiny on the Bounty? It's set on a spaceship.

That's a great idea.

Actually, it wasn't my decision.

Anyway, there may be a part in it for you.

Really?

Is it the Mr. Christian role? No, but it's a good part. Wonderful.

Well,

it's been remade so many times, but I do have a good idea for you.

I say cast it with women.

Women pirates.

Well, that's...

Clever, isn't she? Uh, do you have an agent?

Oh, I don't think she needs one.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Is this your place?

Yeah, but you know what? That's okay. I had a big breakfast.

You know,

I thought you normally lunged at orsos.

These are very lovely, too.

Lake, uh, Zena had an interesting idea.

Mutiny with all women.

That is. That is interesting.

But, um...

Why not take it a step further?

Why not, um, old women? I mean, really, really old women.

80s, 90s.

What do you think of that one, Gina?

Well, uh, certainly better than the old father-son cliche.

I did not say one word.

I, uh, I must be interrupting.

Oh, must you be?

I should go. No.

You gotta think. Yeah. So, how's your car, Davis?

Don't forget your ashtray. Oh, no, really, you should keep it. Okay.

So, fathers and sons.

Back to the father-son, it's not really a cliche.

Because if we could get real fathers and sons, like Lloyd and Bo Bridges, this is

a good idea.

Hello.

Kirk Douglas and Michael Douglas. I know want to work together.

Yeah, you know, I have a client who tends their horses.

Stretch limo, huh?

All right, then. Well, call me when you're downstairs.

Fortunately, Bruce Willis' house has already been ravaged by the Malibu

fires, so he and his wife, Demi Moore, weren't that depressed about the high

tides that took out their living room.

We next travel across town to the shabby Venice bungalow of up-and-coming

screenwriter Davis Lake.

Armed with lofty dreams and noble ambitions, Lake arrived in Los Angeles

four years ago, determined to write movies that matter.

But that's a long, hard road to hoe in the city of dreams, and our talented

young word wizard, soon broke, bruised, and dejected, surmised he'd taken the

wrong path.

My parents were on my back.

Friends from college, they were passing me by.

It was a nightmare.

So he sat down and wrote himself a big, bad, stupid movie.

Sam and the Llama opens across the nation tonight.

And if it does well, put it this way, he already has his eye on a lovely Frank

Lloyd Wright house in the posh Hollywood Hills. In the Hollywood Hills.

Yes, Davis is soon to stake his claim on the movie Mogul Map. That is, if.

The film's a hit.

But what if it's not?

Then, Davis, you'll be back to square bloody one.

Only without your dignity.

All

right,

gentlemen. A toast, boys, to a $15 million opening

weekend. Okay.

I mean, why not 20? Come on.

Where are we going first?

How about Westwood? Then we go to Hollywood.

Sounds good to me. Westwood's always good for a laugh. Absolutely.

UCLA girls.

They're not laughing.

No, no, this part's great. This is gonna get him. Watch this. Get this darn lump

out of the bed!

Oh, shit.

All right, we got one left. What is it, 1015 in Century City?

No, actually, we missed that one. It's over.

Yeah, so is my career.

I'll say.

It's a goodbye party.

Price is moving to Prague.

To find himself.

Why? Hold on. Because you look like Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies.

Here.

Try this.

There you go.

Could you do something with that hair?

Yeah.

Oh, shit. That's the other line.

Yeah. I'll call you back tomorrow. Okay.

Hello? Hello?

Is Xena there?

Oh, Mrs. Hart. Yes, just a moment, please.

It's your mother.

Hi, Mom.

Xena?

When did you call? I'm sorry.

Sina, your mother thinks you may be in a cult.

A cult?

No, ow, ow, ow, wait, wait.

Oh, God, look at this. Don't you ever clean your brush? What do you mean? Just

tell me. Get off the phone. We're late.

Hi, it's Davis. Leave a message at the beep and I'll get back to you. Thanks.

Davis, it's Charles.

She put the news about your opening.

Bloody unfair is all I can say.

Look, if there's anything I can do, just give a ring.

I know, I know, life's tough sometimes.

But you should get out. Be among friends.

Listen, the insufferable price is moving to Prague. Now that's worth celebrating.

Free booze, free food, on the house.

Or just sit in the corner. Get sloshed, just the two of us.

Just like old times.

Remember the time we got loaded on giblets?

Jumped in Kendall's pool with Miriam and Danny?

Hello, Jones.

Davis, thank God, I need a ride.

Bryce, you dog!

I can't believe you're leaving us. He'd be acting a breakthrough, like Jim

Carrey. He's a huge asshole. You know him?

He's one of my best friends.

Does he need any new agents?

Probably not. He's probably happy at UTA.

Really? That's too bad.

Hey, Davis!

Hi, yeah, I want to talk to you.

What about Dabney Coleman?

No, she's moved on. I heard you were going to help me, though.

Sure. How about Jeff Daniels? You work with him.

Couldn't make the football team.

Couldn't get a date with me.

You couldn't even kiss, right?

I should have failed you, Davis.

I'm leaving, because you're here.

If it weren't for him, we'd still be together.

Excuse

me.

Is this what you wanted to be when you grew up?

I mean, you're smart.

You have talent.

And I know you think you're on the right track.

But you're not.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry that I woke you up, but this is a matter of the utmost

importance. You don't by any chance happen to have the Enigma tape?

No, Enigma with Pygmies. What's it called?

Oh, sorry, yeah, Deep Forest.

to come out visit well i don't i don't know i i'd love to see you guys but i

mean now it's just it's really crazy well when maybe in a couple weeks i'm

just i'm swamped well i know ma i'm just i'm just so busy what are you doing yeah

going to these parties and the premieres and taking meetings with studio heads

and pitching how was your premiere it went great oh good really great oh

wonderful you know because basically it's a kid's movie and and the kids

They loved it. Yeah, they went wild. What's next?

Just, you know, mulling over offers. I'm letting my agents take care of that,

really. Well,

your dad and I are so proud of you. We want to come out and take you out for

dinner and celebrate.

I tell you what, though, I'll keep you posted. All right.

Okay. I love you, dear.

Say hi to Dad.

All right. Love you. Bye-bye. Bye.

I think you have something of mine.

You stole my script from the restaurant.

Hello, exterminator?

There's a giant rodent in my house. Fuck you.

Where is it?

It's in there.

Shit.

Hey, hey, are you okay? How dare you?

I'm sorry, you fell on... You're telling me I'm on the wrong track. Don't you

think I know I'm on the wrong track?

What's that?

Yeah, she's this guy that I worked for in Banff, Alberta. Canadian?

Yes, and he had a restaurant that I used to work in. He would take every single

mistake out of my check.

I would be crouching underneath the counter and I would be eating other

people's food because, of course, he would charge me for everything.

And I would be telling myself, it's okay, because one day it's all going to

pay off.

And I'll be writing, and everything will be great. And I don't even know if I'm

any good. I'm almost broke.

You're good. I read this.

You're good.

What do you mean, you read this? I read the script, and you're very talented.

I am?

Yes, you are.

And instead of hustling all these Hollywood parties with Alice Weatherby,

you ought to be writing more of them.

What's that smell?

It's pepperoni and cheese. You're sitting in it.

Oh, shit.

What do you say we throw your jeans in the wash? I'll give you some sweats.

We'll take a walk.

Wow.

This is so beautiful. I can't believe we're still in L.A.

It's pretty deceiving, isn't it?

Pretty deceiving?

Well, this beauty is.

Just about everything you see here is brought in from someplace else.

Eucalyptus trees are from Australia. The palm trees are from Florida.

Bougainvillea's from Italy.

Water that keeps it going's piped in from the Sierra Nevadas. This place is a

desert. It's built on a great earthquake fault.

Shouldn't have anything on it, not even people.

That's why we're so riddled with disasters. We don't belong here.

Don't you feel that?

Well, it's still beautiful. Look at it.

Who do you think's made more people happy than anyone else in history?

That's a good question.

I think Mozart.

William Shakespeare.

Matisse.

Ben Gazzara.

He was terrific in Killing of a Chinese Bookie.

Wow.

What?

Do you believe in destiny?

You mean like we're fated to do certain things?

Nah, I think we just fall on our asses all by ourselves.

I believe there's a voice that talks to you.

Hmm?

It's your voice, and if you have the courage to listen to it, it'll take you

in the right direction.

I mean, it may not say what you want to hear, but if you learn to listen to it,

it'll never steer you wrong.

That's destiny.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Just gonna get my bag.

I had a really nice time this afternoon. Me too.

You want a cup of coffee or anything?

Uh, coffee.

Well, do you have tea?

Tea?

No.

No.

I guess I should get going.

Yeah, I guess you should.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

It's all right. It's all right. It's just my knee. I have another one.

There.

I think we're safe now.

Is that really essential?

I guess not.

The Sun and the flowers Where

there used to be rain

My yesterday was

blue day Today

I'm a part of you

All through dear Since you

said you were mine Lord,

what a difference a day makes

There's a rainbow before

me

above can't be stormy

since that moment of

bliss that thrilling kiss it's

heaven

Wow.

Good morning.

I don't get it.

What?

All these great plays of yours, and then you write Salmon Aloma?

You're lucky it bombed, now you can start again.

Oh, and your luck's still fresh and doing.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Would you make coffee?

I was worried about you.

I was with Davis.

Davis Lake?

Mm-hmm.

No. You haven't gone out with him, too.

A while ago.

Is there a male left on Earth you haven't dated?

Apparently not.

Wow, Rosanna Broxie died.

How long ago?

What?

Davis. How long ago?

A while ago. You know, he looks more than he delivers.

Must be a different day this late.

Excuse me.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. You just stood me up. That's all.

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.

I'm... Hey.

Too bad.

Steuben was asking about you.

Should have been there.

Hello, Zena.

Sam, Steuben, the mutiny deal, remember?

Well, it's not the end of the world, Alice.

What did you come here for?

Do you have any idea who Steuben is?

You know, he could open every door for you.

What am I going to do about it now?

You can be ready at 8 and wear my black dress.

I got us invited to his party. This is an A party.

Okay, well, you don't have to wear my black dress.

What's wrong?

I made plans with Davis.

Oh, Z.

I can't. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I went to a lot of trouble

to set this up.

Come on.

Come on.

Z.

I never ask you to do anything for me. Come on, come on, please.

Hello?

Gina.

Davis.

Oh, hi.

I was just gonna call you.

I had a great time last night. Me too.

Tina!

Just a second. I'm sorry.

So, what do you want to do tonight?

Um... I... I don't know. You?

A movie?

A movie.

How about dinner?

Dinner.

Food. Right.

Um... What would we order?

Um... Chicken?

Chicken has tryptophan in it.

What?

It's a sedative, and I'm already exhausted.

Oh, oh, well, look, look, look, why don't you say so? We could do another

night. Oh, no, are you sure?

Absolutely. Look, I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay, thanks.

Okay, bye-bye. Bye.

Marty!

Come on.

But if you do, don't spill anything and don't break anything.

Oh my god, wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, no.

We've got

Coppola to direct.

Oh, I love Frances. No, no, Sofia.

And we've got Evans to produce.

Don't talk to me about Bob. No, the son, Josh. It's a Generation X thing.

So, this is an A party.

They look like they're having much fun.

They don't have to.

Enjoy yourselves. Have a nice time.

Thank you.

Yes, sir. Can I help you?

Yeah. Brian Seller.

You're not going to find me on the list.

My client, Davis Lake, he's inside.

Right. I'm sorry, but if you're not on the list, I can't let you in.

Look, they're stupid. He's talking with Jack.

Let's go.

I'm going to take a look at your golden... I really would love to. You

want to give him a polish, honey? Yeah. Sam?

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Do you two know each other?

Alice Wetherby. Nice to meet you. And this is Xena Hart.

You are... Jack. Jack.

Sorry.

Xena.

Do you know Jack and Alice and Sam?

How are you?

Yeah, like, anyway.

Are you aware that chicken has tryptophan in it?

Like... God, you're eating chicken on a stick. I better go get a stretcher.

Davis.

Why don't you just cut to the chase and fuck him? That'll get you the deal.

Go to hell, Davis. I am in hell.

You're on your way.

Mr. Boxer, how are you? Sammy's just asking about you. He's in there, so...

You don't understand.

Davis Lay is my client. He wrote Sam and the Llama. That's wonderful. Great,

great. But you still can't get in.

Your name's not on the list.

See, it's very simple.

Name's on the list, you get in.

Name's not on the list, you don't get in.

Hi, how are you? Uh, names, please. All right.

You're stuck in an elevator with Hitler, Mussolini, and an agent.

You've got a gun, but you've only got two bullets. What do you do?

Shoot the agent twice. Make sure he's dead.

What's wrong?

I guess you've never met Super Agent Markoven before.

Charles, I'm gonna split.

Have you ever seen one of those Buddhist monks that sets himself on fire?

I need to get out of here.

I can't, not now.

Oh, Jesus, Charles. Please, Davis, I'm burning.

I went to a lot of trouble to get you here.

You needed a ride.

All right.

Just give me ten minutes.

Ten minutes to put out the flames.

i am sorry i'm sorry when i said you don't understand okay sam uh we're

working on a deal with sam on ruining the body there must be some sort of a

glitch i was in the neighborhood i thought i'd just come by all right

you're right thanks a lot you still can't come in see what you need don't

you understand so did you hear the one about the polish actress she slept with

the screenwriter that's very funny

You're not, uh, Polish, are you?

No.

Can I have another one of these?

Bill.

No. Go take care of him. What's his name? Because we're losing the thing.

Oh, really? You want some vodka?

Yeah.

Oh.

Have a drink. Yeah.

Alice, I'm gonna go home.

Really? Already?

It's okay. I can take a cab. No, I'll give you a ride home. I need to get some

air anyway.

Have a good time. Thank you. It's Frank, right?

Right. You know, Sly. Very perceptive. Sly started out, I think, as a maitre

d'. And I think Arnold was working at a health club.

Wow, that's terrific.

He's got a lot more looks than they do. Are you interested in acting?

No, no.

How about directing or writing?

No, I'm not in this business at all.

How would you like to blow me?

No, I don't think so.

It was a much ridiculous audition.

Okay, I'm supposed to be in bed hugging my wife, only it's this llama. And my

line is... It was really nice talking to you.

Really.

Whoa!

You've got a lot to drink.

Hey, where's Xena?

You know what? You need some food, so we're up. Where?

Buffet by the pool.

No, no, where's Xena?

Chill, babe.

She left.

Where'd she go, babe?

Steuben took her. He took her home. Oh, fuck.

Well, that's...

Usually how it works. God, I forgot how sexy you are when you're drunk.

You know, you're kind of sexy, too, when I'm drunk.

Can I get you something to drink?

Champagne?

Dom? No.

Cristal? No, thanks.

Uh, scotch?

Shevas? Really shouldn't drink. Johnny Walker?

Johnny Walker, really?

Juice. Juice?

Juice. Ooh, no, I don't have any juice.

Sorry.

Isn't there anything I can get you?

Water.

Oh, that's exciting. Yeah.

Frank, how many times have I told you to keep the minibar filled?

I'm sorry, sir. Would you like me to pull over and stop at a liquor store

now?

It's not.

Sorry.

How about I come in for a quick nightcap?

I'm really tired.

I think you should reconsider.

Why is that?

Because I think you have a lot of potential.

As a writer.

Next you'll be pulling out the coke.

What? I mean, it's just such a cliche, you know.

What is?

You're offering me a writing deal if I invite you in?

Who says I'm offering you a writing deal?

At least you're honest.

I'm always honest.

We're here.

Well... Thanks.

How about a development deal?

I'm not desperate, I'm just... A thought occurred to me.

Adios. Thanks for the memories.

Home. I can't remember.

Is this the right key?

No.

Is this it?

No.

Is this the right one?

No. Okay, I give up, Davis. Which one is it?

I don't know. You better try them all. I'll be waiting inside.

Who's there?

His little old me.

Oh, Jesus.

Don't worry, honey. He slept through it.

Davis?

What?

You know, there's something I wanted to tell you.

What?

I always regretted that I broke up with you, and I just think it'd be a good

idea if we gave it another shot. We were really great together.

No, I'm serious.

I mean, I always kind of thought that we'd end up settling down together and

having kids.

Oh, my god.

Alice, you should try and throw a spin on the ball, don't you?

Hi, it's Davis. Leave a message at the beep and I'll get back to you. Thanks.

Davis, it's, it's Ina.

Um, I'm sorry about last night.

I, I want to see you. I want to talk about it.

By the way, this stupid deal's all yours.

I'm out of the running.

So, uh, call me, okay?

I was thinking, you really should get a crack at the mutiny deal.

My agent won't return my phone calls. My movie tanked. Oh, it did not tank.

I called the theater yesterday. I said, what time is Sam and the Llama playing?

She said, what time can you get here?

How am I supposed to get a meeting with Sam Steuben?

Well, I can get you in.

He takes my calls.

I thought you were gunning for Xena.

Do you want a shot at this or not?

Hi, how you doing? Davis Lake.

I'm here to see Sam Steuben.

No Davis on my list.

No Davis?

You know, try Lake.

Davis Lake. Sometimes they list it by the last name.

Ah.

Okay. What you want to do is make a U-turn right here.

Go down the street three blocks and park at the Taco Bell.

Oh, Dwight, Dwight, that's ridiculous.

You have all the parking in the world on the lot. See, I have a meeting with Sam

Steuben. Yes, I know, Steuben. He gave you a walk-on pass.

Must be a writer.

Oh, fuck this shit. Look, you call up Steuben, you tell him, I am not coming

in there unless I have a drive-on. Really sorry about the screw-up at the

gate. Oh, no, no, that's okay.

This is my partner, Bill Boxer. Nice to meet you. Hi.

Say, can we get you something to drink?

Um, yeah, a glass of water would be great. Anyone else?

Water sounds good. Yeah, I'll have one too.

Darlene, can we get two Evian's and a glass of water?

Charles, I don't see your fiancé anywhere.

Andy?

This doesn't come to these riff-raff parties.

Davis!

Buddy. Hey, how'd the stupid meeting go, huh? It went pretty well. Otherwise, you

wouldn't be talking to me, would you, Brian? Hey, I'm not going to ignore a

client who's up for a studio deal, you know?

There's something very lovely about a man who offers no pretenses.

Thanks, Davis.

I like you, too. All right.

Hey, Sam.

Glad you could make it. Hi, Alice.

Where's your friend? You said you'd be here.

Well, Xena? Well, I'm sure she's around here someplace.

Why don't I go find her?

Hey, Lake.

Good pitch, fella. We're gonna make you an offer.

You're kidding.

No, I'm serious.

That's great.

Yeah, it's great for you. For me, I have to talk to that agent.

Hey, I'm out of there. My papers are up. Here she is.

Oh,

you found her.

Excuse me.

Now, if you can only get her to go out with me, I'll really be impressed.

Well, I'm trying, Sam. She's just a little stubborn. I'm not stubborn. I

just don't think I'm necessarily your type.

I'm sorry, Sam. She's not normally so... I like that girl. Great.

She's great, isn't she great?

Yeah.

I'm glad I could be of fucking service.

Uh, this is prepared.

Tea? Yeah. Great.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Now you're talking to me.

Look, I think I made a terrible mistake.

I made a mistake, but you could have at least returned my call. What?

No, listen to me. I have to tell you something. You see, I thought last night

that... This morning, I thought... It's just that I thought that

you and Starship... Oh, I see. Well, I think what he's trying to tell you is

that he got the job. We're running a mutiny.

I told him he wouldn't mind.

I don't mind, Davis. It's great.

Congratulations. I mean, it's not like you slept with someone.

Nina, can I talk to you for just a second? Well, no, I was just about to

talk to Davis.

Can I get you later?

What the hell's wrong with everybody?

It's like there are these big fucking carrots hanging over our heads, and

sometimes we're so busy chasing them, we forget what's really important.

Have some tea, Davis.

Wow, you're right, Davis.

About what?

They really are chasing carrots.

Yeah, I know.

No, I mean real carrots.

Can I get a cocktail? Thanks. Oh, hey, keep that juicer away from me.

Oh, no, no, no.

Relax. You're a great person.

It's just a carrot.

Hey. It's just a carrot. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What? Where'd you get this?

This man over here.

Excuse me.

What was in your tea?

Ecstasy.

It's going to make you very, very friendly.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Fuck off.

I'll get you.

You know, Davis, one day things are going to change for us. We're not going

to be the people in this movie anymore.

Would everybody go?

I guess they all made a French exit.

What's that?

It's when you leave a party without saying goodbye to anybody.

So what do we do now?

Well, I guess we move in together.

We get married.

We get a station wagon.

And we have.

Two kids.

We fight too much. So we'll get a quick divorce.

Well, you'll always be welcome around the holidays.

Yeah? Yeah.

Thank you.

Hey, can I bring the new wife?

As long as she doesn't flirt with my new husband.

Oh, no, she won't, I promise. Okay.

So it's settled. Yeah. Let's go get your stuff.

You're still high.

Yeah, I'm pretty high.

Zena?

Fuck.

Oh.

Hi, honey.

Having a good night?

Great night.

Want to grab a bite of the rose?

Thanks, I already ate.

What's up, babe?

I'm going to stay with Davis for a while.

I know it may not work, but... Hello.

Yeah, you're right.

It won't work.

Well, we'll see, won't we?

Well, boy, everything's going great for you, isn't it?

Glad I could be a stepping stone. Have a great life. Oh, Alice.

You know he fucks around, don't you? Who?

The King of Siam.

Davis. Who do you think I mean?

You don't believe me?

Why do you always have to do this?

I'm just trying to protect you. Well, don't. I'm fine.

I didn't want to have to tell you this, but, um...

The night of Steuben's party.

Davis tried to seduce me.

Please. He used me to get the deal with Steuben. You know, Alice, you're too

much.

You can't park your car there.

So I'm just waiting for someone.

Five minutes.

Okay, thanks very much.

Davis.

So, how'd it go?

Fantastic. Yeah? Can I make a quick call? Sure, go ahead.

Andy, darling, it's Charles.

I just got out of the audition and I wanted to say it was smashing.

Call me when you get home.

I'm actually going to get this part, David. I have got Andy Ross completely

beguiled. She fell for your shtick, huh? Oh, you mean all those selfless hours of

helping all those disaster victims?

Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, I was brilliant. I almost moved myself to tears. And

then, then I played the father card.

Oh, Charlie. Oh, Dad would have loved you, Andy.

You're big.

You're shameless.

The old fucker finally came through for something, didn't he?

Oh, God, Davis. I am actually going to get a heart. My ship has come in.

John, did you press end after that call? End? What?

Oh, no.

Oh.

What? It's just that your entire little speech just made it on Andy Ross's

answering machine.

Look, don't worry about it. Studio heads get fired all the time.

Chances are... No, no, no.

Don't panic.

All right, keep a level head about this now.

Here are your options.

You can move to Mexico.

No!

I

don't

think this is such a good idea.

Davis, I will owe you my life.

I don't think your life is worth very much, Charles.

Especially not now.

Look, just wait here, all right? Okay.

Be back in five minutes.

Good luck.

Five minutes.

Did you break anything yet?

Very funny.

Where have you been?

Oh, nowhere special.

Just bailing Charles out of jail.

Oh, God.

I love you in my bathroom.

When we're divorced, it's mine.

All right, all right. I'll open the wine. We'll argue about it.

Nothing special.

He got busted breaking into Andy Rogers' house.

Davis, how'd you get the Stubble deal?

Oh, Jesus.

She seems to have left her hair in your... Zina! Zina! Zina, come!

Zina! Zina!

Zina, she was here... Get off!

Hey, hey, hey, would you listen? She was just...

Zena?

I'll be out when I'm ready.

Hello? Alice, it's Davis. Please don't hang up on me. Could you just put Zena

on the phone for a sec?

Hi,

Zena and Alice. Leave a message at the beep.

Thanks.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

You're acting like a second grade...

Was it him?

Nope.

Boy, you look hot.

Good.

Let's go.

Zena, it's Davis. Are you there?

Zena? Two weeks later, someplace, same people.

I mean, can't believe Anthony Price is back in Prague.

Nobody gets off the Titanic.

Well,

look who's here.

Hi, let me introduce you to my partner, Zena Hart, Bill Thirsty.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Thirsty.

No, you're Thirsty. No, I'm Zena, you're Thirsty. This is Malice, and I need

another drink.

Nice to meet you, Malice.

Hey, you're still here.

I've been looking for you.

Why?

Well, I wanted to talk to you.

Why?

You don't like me very much, do you?

Does anybody?

Oh, I'm sorry, that was rude.

Oh, God.

You're drunk, young lady.

And you're rich, but in the morning, I'll be sober.

What don't you like about me?

You're callous, abrasive, rude.

Oh, I better stop before I say something I'll regret.

Please take the knife out of my heart.

Is there anything you do like about me?

You're funny, confident, sexy in a slimy big shot kind of way.

Need a ride?

Hello? Charles, where's the party tonight?

My house is right all the way.

Anthony! You old cult, you're welcome home!

It wasn't the same here without you!

Alice, where's Zita?

Wait a minute, I think I'm having a déjà vu. Yeah, yeah, yeah, where the hell is

she? I am having a déjà vu. Stop fucking up my life, Alice, and talk to me,

please.

You beast, why couldn't you be more like this in bed?

Oh, Xena, where's Xena? Everyone wants their little Xena. Well, she's with

stupid and she's shit-faced drunk, so fuck you.

What are you gonna do? Go there and make an ass of yourself?

Floor a deal?

Let's hold a shift.

Straight home, Frank.

Oh, no, wait, why? No, don't close the window. Huh?

Don't you ever talk to him?

What for?

He's up there all alone and no one will talk to him. Just open the window. We'll

talk to him.

Come on. Come on. Frank,

you want some juice?

Oh, God.

Where's the juice?

Ask Frank.

Davis, you notice anything different?

All right, I'll give you a hint.

It's wet.

Do you mind putting the top up?

What?

Could we bargain for the wipers, perhaps?

Got it.

Here, Frank.

Thank you. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Sure.

So, how long have we been working together?

We don't work together. Frank works for me.

What does it matter who works for whom? I mean, you know.

I'm sure there's times that you need a limo.

You have some problem and you want to talk to somebody and Frank he's up here.

He's lonely Definitely bored and you know, can you talk to him? No, no, he

works for me Gosh, what are you a communist?

I'm a communist Actually did my thesis on Marxist theory and its current

application That's why you're driving a car Frank

We're on to something.

Don't mind if I use an umbrella, do you?

It's like being back in London.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Where are we going?

Steuben's house.

Choice invite?

Yeah.

Just that I'm not exactly invited.

You're serious. You're crashing the party.

That's unlike you, Davis.

See anything you like?

Not yet.

Okay.

Perry Como, one of my favorites.

Well, doesn't seem to be much of a party going on.

There isn't.

Why don't we just ring and drive through?

I want a surprise.

Oh, wait a minute.

This isn't by any chance about Xena.

No, Davis, don't do this.

Oh, dear.

What's he going to do when you get there?

I don't know.

Oh, well, glad you thought this one all out.

Davis, are you out of your mind? This is Steuben's house.

Yeah.

Come on. We can still get out of here.

Davis. No, I really am doing relief work.

Please, Davis.

You know, I know you a lot, but this is ludicrous, all right?

I'm out on bail for God's sake. I can't help you on this one. No way. No way.

Hello there.

Sorry I'm late.

God, where is old Stuber anyway?

Oh, damn.

God, we forgot the champagne.

Oh, well, it's back to the car. Unless you wouldn't do us a favour, would you?

What's that?

I bet old Savvy's got a case in the fridge.

You wouldn't consider sparing us a bottle, would you? I mean, we can't go

in there empty-handed.

I don't think so. Oh, come on, please.

What difference does it make? One bottle.

Come on, Gus.

No, Gus, my name's Frank.

Frank, right.

God, you look like Gus.

I do?

How have you been here?

I've been here three years.

What the hell are you doing here?

Can I talk to you for a second?

I don't want to talk to you, Dick. Would you please tell me what the fuck you're

doing in my house? This will just take a minute. I don't want to talk to you,

Dick. What the hell is going on? I don't want to talk to you. Hey, hey, hey.

Okay, thank you. Bye-bye. Frank.

Frank.

Frank.

All this money.

No idea how to spend it.

If I had students' cash.

You don't need students' cash.

You got something that he'll never have.

Got a lot of style.

That's very nice of you, Frank.

Thank you.

You know, men don't often compliment each other.

Well, I do.

So do I.

You know, I had a feeling about you.

Did you?

Cheers.

You just hear me out. Where are you?

I thought you were fucking him.

Don't be ridiculous.

All right, that is it. Get out of here. Both of you. Now, move.

Oh, so I see it was revenge.

No, I was drunk.

Oh, you were drunk. Well, you're absolved. Oh, well, what are you doing?

You're on a mercy mission?

Frank, God damn it. Gina, God damn it. Why don't you fucking listen?

Well, God damn it. Frank, where are you?

Frank. He's not coming.

Now, this was, um, Tibet or India? No, it was India.

It was, you know, I was going through that crazy spiritual awakening shit.

Then I joined a band, and I moved to L.A.

God, that's fascinating.

So what kind of music is it?

Is that you, Frank?

I can't believe you were ever interested in this guy.

At least he doesn't pretend to have morals. Well, of course not. Look at

him. He's a pig.

All right, that is it, Blake. Not only are you fired, but you have burned

every... Oh, just sit down and shut up. I don't want to write your stupid

fucking movie anyway. Now, Zena, there's just one point that I want to make, and

that's two points.

First point is I didn't fuck Alice.

Second point, it wasn't for the deal. Third point, I didn't do it. So point

one and point two are moot.

Fourth point... Fourth point, Davis, you had one point.

Okay, okay, okay, one point, one point.

Sometimes we make mistakes, and if we didn't make mistakes, we would never

know that they were mistakes.

What?

You know, Davis, I never would have imagined that one day I'd be driving in

my car and listening to the radio, and I'd see you, and my life would change.

You know what, Davis?

It's worse!

Cena, Cena.

Frank!

Frank,

where have you been? These people are in my house. Who the fuck is this?

Charles Oliver. I believe we met at the llama party.

Frank, get these people out of here.

Did you hear me?

Sammy, in the three years that I've been working for you, these have been the

most decent guests you've ever had.

I'm not going to do it.

Boy, are you fired?

Cheers.

You know, Charles, I'm going to be playing a gig at the Mint in three

weeks, and I'd love it if you came.

Oh, absolutely.

What music the world.

Frank, let me give you my card.

Frank. Yeah. Got a car?

It's right up the street.

Yeah. Need a ride? Yeah. Okay. Zena, I will take you home.

Zena. I really had to grease one back to suck up my ass.

Couldn't that have been quite a night?

I couldn't see it through.

Now I know that the last love's the beginning

of the road

to green

You walk down the strangest mile That life can

hold Surprised by the strangest look Let your

smile unfold

Zena, Davis.

I'm getting a little tired of this.

I'm starting to feel like an idiot.

I've left messages for you, but you won't call me back.

I've tried knocking on your door, and I know you're home, but you won't answer.

So I thought I'd give it this one last shot.

But you're not picking up.

So...

I'll stop bothering you.

Just wanted to say goodbye, and I wish you all the best.

I really do.

Yeah, Gil, yeah, hey, it's Davis Lake Yeah,

I know it's been a long time I've been out in California Listen he's still

making those made-to-order coverage

I've spoken with Alice, and I'm missing a great party right now. Yeah, you could

quit your complaining. You're getting a free car out of the deal. Free car?

I can't afford the repairs. I can't afford the gas.

Change your mind, Davis.

Look, I'll send for Stella and the rest of my things as soon as I find a place

to live.

Yeah, well, it's cold in New York.

It's cold here.

Can't find a cab in the rain.

I'll take the subway.

To buy an entirely new wardrobe.

Think about that. Charles, I'm going to miss my flight. Would you mind just

stepping on it?

Well, it's a stoplight.

Call my office.

You know, you

don't have to keep ignoring me at this party. I worked my butt off to make that

happen. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but you know, it didn't work out for her

either. It didn't work out for him, it didn't work out for you, it didn't work

out for... You know, they're all kind of happy. So you owe me. You owe me that

job. Alice.

Well, I'm an agent.

Really? Yeah.

Now, this sweater, this is a great sweater.

Thank you very much. I wanted to get one in green, but they didn't have it. I was

really bummed. Oh, that's too bad.

But maybe the amount of regret you'd have over not getting that green sweater

wouldn't amount to the amount of pleasure that you would have had from

it.

I mean, isn't it always like that?

We regret the things we lose.

You probably wouldn't even like that sweater if you'd had it, but you'll make

yourself believe that if you'd had, all your problems wouldn't exist.

You know, it's like a movie you didn't see, or a piece of fondue that fell on

the floor, or having missed college, or having lost someone that you really

cared about.

And he's gone, and you can never, ever, ever have that time back again.

What a bunch of crap.

Charles told me he's taking four o'clock to New York. Here, take my car. It's

faster.

Well, I guess this is it.

Right. Do you know the difference between you and me, Davis?

Because I'm a hack, and I know it.

You're the real thing.

You don't even know it.

You're a good friend, Charles.

I agree.

You loan me a tenner for petrol?

Yeah.

Good chap.

Always a good chap. Who's 20?

20. Even better.

Call me.

Flight 1213 is now arriving at gate 6.

Final boarding call for flight 615.

Boarding at gate 72.

All passengers should be on board at this time.

You're all set. Have a nice flight.

Hi, Davis Lake. I'm on the 4 o'clock to Kennedy.

It's nice to see you at Priscilla's party.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry about your movie.

Thank you.

When are you coming back?

Um, you could put me down for the 12th of never.

Right. Is that flight booked?

Would you prefer an aisle or a Xena?

What? Aisle or a window?

Aisle. Window.

Window.

Gate 102, immediate boarding around the corner to your left. Have a nice life.

Thank you.

Flight 1023 to New York is now boarding. Please proceed to the gate. This is the

last call for Davis Lake. Do you really want to leave Los Angeles, Davis?

Absolutely.

It's a noble profession.

True, but you wanted to be a writer, like that guy coming off the plane.

Look at him with his computer, fresh like you were four years ago.

Why don't you go and talk to him, Davis? Tell him how it is.

You'll be doing him a favor.

Go on. Do it.

Excuse me. I don't know where you're coming from, but... Oh,

okay.

Bonus era.

No, no, I swear.

All right, all right, I was wrong.

Go over there. What about that guy?

Forget it. Come on, just look at him. Look at him.

Go on, Davis. Tell him what he's in for. Go bust his bubble. Kill his dreams.

Make him cry.

Save him half a decade.

Tell him, Davis. Tell him he's going to meet the love of his life and leave her.

Tell him. Because if you can't, you're not ready to leave L.A.

Now, come on. Get the hell out of here. Go!

It's probably my fault. I'm sorry

I stumbled and fell If I could

tear a page From this foolish heart Though

I despise you, love Never should we part

So here's to blind ambition, the fate that brought me you.

All that I was missing, I found when I fell for you.

In this strange enchanting place.

Where wildest dreams come true A sudden rapid change

of pace I fell for you

Romantic summer evenings

Mornings kiss with dew

No accidental

so so

I was missing I found when I fell