Original subtitles

Are you leaving?

I was going to make us cookies.

I'm on a diet, green juice, and that's it.

Okay. You're always on a diet.

It's called being healthy.

Not like you know anything about that.

It's called hating everything good about life, like cookies.

Listen, there's something that we need to talk about.

Okay.

Don't tell me that you hate sex now, too.

No, I don't hate sex.

Okay, good. I just hate it with you.

It's nothing personal.

I'm just not realizing it. I'm not physically attracted to you.

You're really just not my type.

No, I get it. It's like I'm cool, but I'm ugly.

I didn't say that.

But you meant it. Just to me.

I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there that'll find you attractive.

I'm just not one of them.

Wow. I think I just like the fact that I'm much hotter than you. Like normally

with most guys, we're both hot. But with you, I'm just like the price.

You're like a Winnie the Pooh.

Adorable, but with a tummy. And you never have pants on.

I just wanted you to understand where I was coming from because I'd be an

asshole if I didn't explain it.

Right, right, right, right.

You'd be an asshole if you didn't tell me how much I suck.

Exactly. See, I'm glad you get it.

I mean, it'd be one thing if you had a great personality, but... Oh, this is a

really good talk.

You're funny, but you're rude.

And you really shouldn't be rude if you're fat.

Leave now.

You see?

You're trying to kick me out when I'm just trying to give you some honesty.

You're right. I'm the asshole here.

Well, goodbye, Jack.

I hope you can get your life together.

And I hope you live a happy life with all the green juice you desire.

I hate men.

Wonder if I could be happy.

Wonder if I could be true.

Wonder if someone could hold me without it all falling through.

They say it comes when you're not looking.

They say you can't hurry love.

Breaking my heart into bookings. Each and every time has showed.

Thank you.

Sorry. You've been a little all over the place lately.

All right, I'll be honest. You're a mess. You've turned into a complete

degenerate, Zach. A degenerate? Like you're wearing clothes from middle

school, like that hat from Camp Burstein. You stopped going there when

you were 14.

Yeah, but I have great memories here, Kenny.

All right, well, you know, can't you have great memories and get some new

clothes?

If I hadn't walked in on you, fucking a dude on my couch, I would have never

guessed that you are gay.

Well, I am.

And also, I'm sorry.

And also, I'm sorry I never said sorry until right now. Hey, it was two years

ago. I'm sorry. All right, look, I love you, but this whole thing you got going

on is really not okay. You gotta seriously figure your life out, and

soon, because I'm tired of paying your rent. Yeah, but it's just until I sell

my book. Zach, it's been a year. Dude, I've been paying it for a year. You

gotta get a job.

I've been looking for someone to manage my social media.

No, no, I'd rather die.

Plus, my 112 followers need me to tell them about vampires, so... All right,

well, then just find something that makes you happy, please.

Ms. Kitten's office.

Yes, please hold.

Ms. Kitten's office.

Yes, of course.

Ms.

Kitten's office.

I will let her know.

Yes, of course.

Lunch? I can't, Marcy. I got a client coming in during lunch.

Typical. I will eat later.

You always say that. I will.

You need to eat. You're looking like Jack and the Beanstalk. And I'm not

talking about Jack. I look like a beanstalk?

Hilarious. What about drinks afterward?

I'm meeting Eric.

Oh, you still dating him?

He's my boyfriend. He's so boring. My God, he's so boring that I daydream

about sleeping when I'm talking to him. It's not like he's a new guy. We've been

together for two years.

And every day is another mistake.

That is just your opinion. No, you think that too, okay? You just date because

he's safe, and guess what? He won't break up with you, and you love that

because you can't deal well with rejection.

How do you know that?

Oh, please.

I see how upset you get every day when Margie hates on your ideas.

Well, I'm very happy.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, deal with that.

Okay, well, one day you're gonna be married with four cats with no plans for

the 12th Friday in a row except for Netflix and that god-awful stew he

makes. Oh, God, not stew.

Can you just trust me, okay? Because I can see the future.

That's why I'm your best friend.

Oh, you are?

Oh, yes, honey. People just wish they were as lucky as you. Uh-huh, I bet.

Zach, come in here.

Ooh, you gotta go.

I'm having so much fun.

Zach.

Sit. Yes, Margie.

There's a showcase tonight, and I need you to go for me. Yes, absolutely.

But they're paying me to go, so the check that you get needs to be on my

desk tomorrow morning.

Yeah, you got it.

And Zach.

Yes, Margie.

Don't call in anyone.

I'm tired of you believing in people. It's exhausting.

I don't get it. You liked every single person that I brought in. Yes, and I

haven't signed a single one of them. And I don't understand why.

And you'll never understand!

Leave now.

You got it.

Why'd you have to start dating that actress? They're the worst.

Stop. She's cool. You'll like her.

Chances are I'll hate her. I hated the last actress I met.

Are you talking about the time you threw up on Michelle Pfeiffer at brunch?

She was so rude and I said I was sorry.

You weren't even sitting near her.

Okay, but I was trying to get outside, and then she shrieked and screamed. I

hated her. I hate actresses, and I don't know why you date them. Wait, what about

me? You like me, right?

Yes, Peter, I like you. You're not an actress. Yeah, but you'd still like me

even if I wasn't dating Chloe.

Yeah, once again, you're not an actress. It doesn't really make sense, okay?

Anyway, I'm going to go get drunk.

Do you mean you're going to go get a drink? I mean what I mean.

Wait, can one of you tell me if he actually hates me or not?

So...

Yeah, I think... I think the plan is dying.

Why did that story take 20 minutes to explain?

Well, because that's how I found out.

You see, it started last week when I bought it. Oh, I don't need to hear it

again. Oh.

I made us reservations at Danny's after.

Who makes reservations at Danny's? I do. It's Danny's Tuesday.

Or did you forget?

No, I didn't forget.

I'm gonna go grab a drink, okay? I'll be right back.

I don't have any money. I thought I did, but I don't. You already drank that

drink. I know, and I'm sorry, but I just don't have any money. You did know.

I've never seen anyone drink a beer like that quickly before.

It was like watching Charlie Sheen or something.

That's not only offensive to the Charlie Sheen, but also to me. Is there a

problem here? Yeah, I don't have any money, so I can't pay this delightful

bartender. Screw you, dumbass. Ha, see, he's just delightful.

If I cover his beer, can this all be over? I get my glass of rosé? Sure.

Then done.

Oh, my knight in shining armor, it seems.

Honestly, I just want my drink.

Well, thank you either way. I'm Zach.

Is my name that funny? Like, I know Zs are hilarious, but still.

No, my name is Zach as well.

Oh, okay.

What do you know? Two guys named Zach.

I'm sure there are way more than two.

No, I meant, like, right here, right now.

Right, I was joking.

Sure.

Yeah, no, terrible.

It was really bad. I can't lie to you.

Here's your wine.

Thank you.

Well, I gotta, um, get back to my boyfriend.

Oh, shit.

I was gonna ask you out for a drink.

Didn't I just buy you one?

Right, so I owe you one.

Right.

Yes, yes, you owe... Yeah, I think you should pay me back sometime.

Okay. Tomorrow.

Dingbat. Is that the name of the bar you're calling me a dingbat? That's the

name of the bar, my friend.

Ah, friend-zoning me already.

Okay, someone has a boyfriend.

Oh, well, someone seems to be very straight.

Oh, this someone has clearly been flirting with you for the past five

minutes.

Your shoes are very straight.

Well, they are gay.

As am I, so... I gotta go. But tomorrow, the dingbat, nine?

Nine it is.

Bring some money.

I'll find some somewhere.

She's great, right?

I know you're actually dating the only talented girl in the showcase.

I know.

Showcases are whack.

Because you've been to so many. Yeah, more than you have.

Let's just unboot. It's dinner time.

Hey.

Cupcake.

You are a sensation, truly. These are my friends, Chloe and Peter.

Hi. You were really good.

Thank you so much.

And you must be Zach. Hi.

It's nice to meet you.

You too.

Thanks for coming, you guys. I really appreciate it.

You guys want to grab dinner?

Let's go.

You sure you're not hungry?

Yeah, not for anything from here, at least. That girl, Lily Avalon, she was

really good.

I just thought the whole show was a little bit of a bore.

I could have been doing something fun, like binging that DVD set of Hawks

Flying I just bought.

Oh, wow, there's a DVD set of that?

Yeah, hours of Hawks Flying around the world.

Pretty awesome.

Sounds awesome.

You know, I have to go to these things for work.

So quit your job.

I can provide for both of us. I make plenty for my job. It's not about the

money. I mean, I love what I do.

Zach, I want to talk to you about something.

Okay.

I love you.

I know.

And?

Oh, my God.

Ever since I met you, I knew we had something very good.

Please don't do this. You're such a special person, and I love every moment

we spend together.

Just stand up right now. So, Zachary Noah Mandel.

Will you marry me? I don't want to eat your fucking stew!

My stew?

Yes, the stew that you're going to make me eat until the end of time.

And I die.

Please, I can't do this. I can't marry you. Zach?

Yeah, I think we need to break up.

What? I think we should break up. I need for us to break up right now.

This is not how I thought this was going to go. This just isn't working.

Can't you feel that at all? I just asked you to marry me.

You're a really nice guy, Eric, but I need to be with someone that makes me

laugh.

Someone who wants to go someplace that isn't Danny's and who wants to have sex

somewhere that isn't just the bedroom every once in a while.

It's just irresponsible.

I am really sorry.

I'm gonna... I'm just not gonna do this anymore.

Um... I'm gonna go pack my things.

I don't know what to say. Don't say anything.

Please. Bye, Eric.

What's bugging you?

Nothing.

You are the worst liar.

Like, really bad.

So spit it out or shit it out. What the hell is that saying?

I just made it up.

It's terrible.

But still, just tell me.

Fine.

I met a cute guy. Ooh, I love when stories start this way.

And then he paid for my drink.

Even better.

And then he was like, I need to get back to my boyfriend.

Ooh, bummer.

Major bummer. I'm sorry, Z.

Listen, if there's one thing I've learned working after hours at Land of

Donut, it's that people will find their sweatshirt.

It's just in the lost and found.

In the back.

What does that mean?

Why do you work there when you have a full-time job at a magazine?

Anyway, though, we are hanging out tomorrow.

I'm excited.

Ooh, see? There's hope. Just don't be a homewrecker.

As I always say, a home to wreck is not yours to wreck.

You didn't seem happy.

Just take it day by day, as I always say.

Okay. Day by day.

That seems like a good approach.

What did I say?

Not to call anyone in. And what did you do?

I promise you, she's very, very talented. She's amazing. I don't care if

she can spin dishes on her nipples.

I told you I didn't want to see anyone.

This is your last warning, Mandel. I don't build careers.

No one else or you're fired.

If I send you to a showcase, just watch it.

Don't let your stupid heart get involved.

But you'll see her.

I will see her.

But she better be good.

I'll schedule her for tomorrow at 3. Fine. Get out.

What's going on? What do you mean?

Why are you answering my chats with periods instead of exclamation points?

Do I usually use exclamation points? Yes, always. It's hard to understand

what could be that exciting.

Keep it down.

What is going on?

Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.

I broke up with Eric.

Oh, my God. Hell, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

This is amazing news. Oh, my God, hell yes.

Please, don't have any fuel.

Oh, that's the best news ever.

Okay, we're going out tonight, and we're celebrating. Okay, that sounds like fun,

but I cannot tonight.

The hell you can't. What's more important than me?

A date.

Zachary, are you for real? The realest.

Hold up. So you broke up with Eric yesterday and today you have a date? Mm

-hmm. Where's that mean? I don't know what to tell you. Why is this thing

always out of ink?

Oh, you need a break, okay? You need to be single.

It's good, I promise.

Something clicked last night. I could clearly see two things.

Okay. Eric and I couldn't go on any longer, and Zach deserved a real date.

Yeah, you do deserve a real date. No, his name is Zach, too. I'm talking about

him. You're joking, right?

No, I think it's cute.

No, it's weird as hell. That's what it is. You can't date somebody with your

own name.

How is that gonna work? Tell me, what about during sex?

So you're really gonna be calling his name, but in reality it's your name?

What? That's confusing.

No, he's kind of...

Awesome?

Love it.

You know what?

I ain't gonna lie, it is kind of awesome.

I wish I could scream out my name during sex.

You know what I'm gonna do? What? I'm gonna change Cameron's name to Ava.

Please don't tell me who it was. Cameron's my toothbrush.

Okay.

We've got to get you to the hospital. Okay.

Let's just, like, wrap this up. I'll see you another time. Nope. Are you kidding?

I'm coming with you. I don't want you to come.

Honestly, I really don't care. I might have just broken your nose. I owe you

some company.

Down. Ah.

Okay.

Make sure to keep pressure on it. I think that's what they say to do.

I think it's for open wounds, not for broken bones.

I'm sorry.

I'm not exactly an expert on this.

What are you an expert in?

Writing. I write books.

Really? What have you written?

Well, uh... Okay, well, nothing's been published as of yet. Oh, wow. I want to

be writing. I have to get out of here.

But I'm good. I promise.

So,

uh, give me a synopsis.

You don't want to hear that.

Yes, I do.

Come on, bring it.

Okay, so there's this kid named William.

And Will's dad goes on a trip every few months for weeks at a time. So Will

becomes suspicious of the trips. Like, why can't he reach his dad whenever he

leaves?

So on the night of Will's 18th birthday, he decides to follow his dad and see

where he ends up.

Okay, where does he end up?

In Romania.

Why in Romania?

Because his dad is a hunter of a being that only lives in Romania.

A vampire.

You're shitting me.

I'm not. I'm not.

I know it sounds a little cheesy, but I've done a ton of research. All the

vampire mythology that you could even imagine.

So. When Will gets there, it turns out that his family is a long line of

hunters. So his dad decides to train him next in line. And then Will and his dad

decide to go on a journey to kill the last living vampire, Vlad Dracula

himself.

It's really cool.

Oddly sexy, too.

Yeah, I mean, hopefully it'll be a series and then, God willing, someone

will buy it and turn it into a movie and just make me a ton of money.

Oh, God, wouldn't that be nice?

Yeah. So what's it called?

Undeath in the Family.

Oh, God, I love that, but it really hurts to laugh.

Oh, yeah.

How's the nose?

Yeah, I think it's okay.

So, could I ask you an awkward question?

Does your boyfriend know that you're here with me tonight?

We broke up last night, actually, so... I'm sorry.

I'm here for you.

Seriously, I am.

Thank you.

It's okay.

It had to end. He proposed.

No, he didn't. Yes.

This was all last night?

Last night, and then went home.

Packed up and moved out.

Well, uh... This is a lot to take in.

You mean for a first date?

So this is a date?

Well, I don't know. I wouldn't call this a first date, exactly.

Yeah.

If you want to try again sometime soon, you could.

Maybe try not to break my nose next time.

Okay.

Hello. Should I stay?

Yeah, you've come this far.

Oh, God.

You all right?

Um... Well, at least it's not broken.

Well, I mean, you did your best, but I have unbreakable.

Okay.

You know, um, I should probably get home.

It's getting really late, and I gotta...

Work tomorrow.

Where's home?

Um... Right now I'm living in a hotel.

Just for a few days. I'm already looking for a new place, though.

Well, can I walk you home?

You don't have to do that.

I've come this far.

All right.

This way.

Do you have any really irrational fears?

So many like sometimes

I'll, uh, see you tomorrow?

Yeah. I'll pencil you in.

Just kidding. My day's completely open.

Good night, Zach.

Good night.

What

do

you mean that you're gonna see him again tonight?

I mean I'm gonna see him again tonight.

But he almost broke your nose.

I know, but he stayed with me the entire night. I mean, how sweet is that?

First sour, then sweet.

Like a Sour Patch Kid.

You know what? You can make your stupid decisions on your own. Don't listen to

me at all. Can you hold, please?

Hey,

Zach, if it isn't my favorite agent. So good to see you. Congrats on the new

season dropping.

And you too, Jeffrey. Wow, never thought that Warlock Academy could get that

deep. But I was wrong. Thank you, man.

Also, I'm still an agent's assistant.

Margie still hasn't promoted you? No.

What a venomous bitch.

Honestly, we should just have you be our agent and leave that queen to rot.

Zach?

Why didn't you tell me my two favorite clients are here? Margie!

Such a pleasure to see you. You look fantastic.

What's your skin care routine? Margie, why haven't you promoted my boy Zach

yet? It's a discussion we've been having. He's so close. Like how close

you are to winning an Oscar.

I haven't been nominated yet.

Exactly.

Why don't you two come in?

Coffee. Zach, now?

Yes. Sorry, man. I tried. It's just fine.

I mean, he's totally fine. It's like nothing ever happened.

That's just so... Embarrassing. It's embarrassing.

It's bad.

Okay, but you're missing the point. There's a huge issue here.

What's your issue?

I think I actually like him.

That's great news, Zach!

No, no, no, no. It's the worst. I like it better when I don't like anyone or

anything. That's a terrible way to live your life. I don't know where I'd be

without Peter.

Aw, thanks, baby cakes.

I want a scone.

Ew.

As I always say, falling off the love cliff is the only good cliff to fall

from. Okay, hold on. Who said anything about loving anyone I said like?

Mm-hmm.

That's the first step.

Don't make me pour my coffee on you. Okay, first off, you didn't get coffee

because you're a coward.

It's so bitter! And secondly, that's also why you're afraid of actually

liking someone for once.

Commitment, baby.

Okay, but the fact that no one commits is why I like the gay world. Most people

aren't looking for anything serious.

It's perfect.

That's just shallow.

And terrible.

If I've learned one thing at Land of Donut, it's that everyone has their

someone. Even if it's just a box of glazed.

It's yours.

What's wrong with Shallow? I like Shallow.

Wouldn't it be nice to actually let yourself feel something for once?

Like, to actually indulge in those feelings and just go for it?

That sounds like the worst thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

Anyway,

there's something I need to tell you.

Okay, I knew we were going to have this talk at some point.

I know that your feet... are terrifying i've never seen anything like that it's

good news that girl i work with at the magazine is dating a publisher and i may

have slipped him a copy of your book last week shut your whore mouth it's

true and zach he loved it he wants to meet with you next week what do you

think i think hell freaking yeah This is awesome. Looks like things are turning

around for old Zachary.

Don't call me old Zachary. That sounds like I live in a clock tower and ring

the bell once a day. But this is exciting.

It is. As I always say, good things come to those who wait for the good things

because they've been waiting for them.

The saying is just good things come to those who wait. You complicated it so

much. I don't think so, Zach.

She's spectacular.

Margie's going to kiss you in the mouth.

You've done good, kid.

That's what she'll say.

She's never said that in her life. She will never say that.

You've done good, kid.

Wow.

Yes, I know. I'm just as surprised as you.

Maybe you're not a gigantic waste of space.

Thank you for saying that. That is so sweet of you to say.

I am the queen.

Excuse me? I said, I know.

Oh, okay, great.

You know, I have had my eye on you. Who knows?

Maybe one day soon, you'll be more than just an assistant around here.

Thank you for that.

I am the queen.

Excuse me? I said you've earned it. Oh, okay, well, thank you.

I am the queen.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

I said get out of my office.

Okay, great.

How's the nose?

Well, they can get a black eye, so.

That's great.

It is good. Do you want a drink?

Yeah, I do.

You didn't pay for this, did you?

No. What should I have?

No, I owe you a drink, remember?

All right, yes.

Cheers? Cheers.

Hello,

hello, hello.

Hi.

is Darlene Batt, and I'm the owner of this bar.

Oh. Oh, your nickname must be Dingbat.

No. My nickname is Mango.

Wait, what?

I'm just about to sing my set, but I just had to come over and say, oh, my

God, you guys are the most lovely couple I've ever seen in my life. Oh, that's

very nice, but we're not together.

Oh, shush, shush, shush.

Oh, young love is so beautiful. Thank you.

I remember Walter before his untimely demise.

Oh, he's not dead. He's just dead to me.

I'm going to tell you what my father told me and my sister when we were

sailing in the middle of a hurricane.

Hold on to each other.

Au revoir.

Enchanté. My God.

Oh, my God.

So, is her sister okay?

We don't know that.

It sounds great.

Yeah. Really nice. I love this key.

That was a beautiful and strange moment.

Yeah. We seem to have a lot of those together.

Yeah, we do.

So should we do, like, all that first date stuff we've never done? Because,

you know, last night I almost broke your nose.

Right. Yeah.

Fun memory. Sure.

So where are you from?

Okay.

I'm right up from outside city, but my dad is in Jersey.

Okay. How about you?

I'm from the burbs of Philly.

Oh, all right. The Jersey side or the Pennsylvania side?

Pennsylvania side.

And I still vote there.

Because being in a swing state is important to me.

Also, I have no clue how to change it.

Do you have any siblings?

Yeah, I have a half-brother.

His name's Kenny. How about you? Yeah, I have a younger sister.

She's still in high school.

And, God, much smarter and wiser than I'll ever be.

Are you close with your family?

Yeah, my sister and I, we're pretty close, I'd say.

My dad and I...

Much different story, but my mom, she passed away five

years ago.

I'm really sorry.

How about you? You have a close family?

Kind of. I mean, my parents split up when I was really young, and the only

thing they can agree on is that I'm a massive screw-up, so we don't talk that

much, but I'm super close with Kenny. That's good.

Not a screw-up.

You're a struggling writer. It's a big difference.

Thanks.

Should we have another drink?

Well, I have to finish, but I owe you one, so do you want one? Yes, please.

Okay. I mean, if you're paying.

Well, I'll have a double, please. A double beer?

Yeah. A double beer. Great. Two beers, I guess.

Wow.

Winter in the city. Right?

So pretty.

You ever notice how, like, everything is prettier in the winter?

Like, the lights, the sky, or even people with their cheeks flushed?

Your cheeks are kind of flushed. Are they? I don't know.

I'm sorry.

It's cute.

It is?

God damn it.

What? I like you.

And I'm trying so hard not to.

Why are you trying hard not to?

Because I don't like the way it makes me feel.

Like any second you're going to just get up, go away, run away, never come back.

Sick.

Yeah, that's what liking someone is like.

It's terrifying.

All you want to do is run.

Wait, so you feel it too?

Yes.

Yes, I like you.

Not easy, you know.

It's been a long, long time too, like years since I was in middle school.

Wow.

Me too, actually.

Yeah? Yeah, Jewish sleepaway camp.

I haven't thought about it in forever.

I went to one of those. You did?

Yes.

In the Poconos.

Camp Burstein.

Shut the hell up.

There was this kid. I had a huge crush on him.

Dark blue, dark blue.

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room? And I'm here with you.

I thought your name was Anthony.

I always went by my last name.

I never knew your last name.

I never knew yours either.

Wait, hold on.

How do you taste the exact same?

Because I love bubblegum toothpaste, even though it's really, really bad for

me.

I don't believe you. Wait.

What musical did they do the year that we were in camp?

Okay. It's a trick question because they did the same musical every year. They

did Annie with all boys. It made no sense. And you were Annie.

You did the greatest rendition of Tomorrow I've ever heard.

I cried.

Well, I mean, five-minute standing ovation, but who's counting, you know?

I don't believe it.

Me either.

You were my first kiss.

And you were mine, too.

I'm not going to lie. I've dreamt of us being together.

To be honest, I never thought I would see you again.

I don't really even believe in fate or destiny or any of that shit.

Okay, but there are millions of people in New York who we'll never see.

And somehow out of those millions of people, we're both here now.

Doesn't that strike you as fate or destiny or some dumb shit like that?

Out of all the millions of people?

Yeah.

This going is so unreal.

It's absolutely unreal.

So, tell me, how did your date with Zach go last night?

You are not going to believe this because I still don't.

Can you try me? Because I believed in Santa until I was a senior in high

school, so what won't I believe?

Zach was my first kiss.

No, he wasn't, you slut. No, no, my actual first kiss.

Right?

We were in middle school.

at sleepaway camp this really big dance and he and i just kept on looking at

each other so he leaves i follow him out and he takes my hand and he leads me

down to this lakeside oh god it's literally an lgbt young adult novel this

was real he and i just talked and talked and then we kissed and then the next

day the Camp found out. They called my parents. My dad came to pick me up, took

me away, and I never saw him again.

That's so crazy.

Please tell me you're gonna see him again.

Yeah, tonight. I just have to go back to my old place, pick up the rest of my

stuff. Mm-mm.

Do not fall into that trap and go back to Eric. What do you mean?

I know you don't like feelings.

Well, they're terrifying, and you know what?

What's even worse is to talk about them, so let's not.

I know, but can you just listen to me for a second?

Can you just fall for someone that you actually care about for once?

Even if it scares you. You deserve love, so you shouldn't settle for anything

less. Are you Dr.

Feynman? My therapy?

No, but come on, you even settled for this job. We both know that you should

be doing more. So maybe just don't settle for somebody you don't like

anymore. Okay, I can't talk about this.

Zach. No, I'm serious. I gotta get to Eric's. I have to go when he's not

there. Okay, Zachary, can you just listen to me? I can't hear you. Wow,

music's on. I'll see you soon. And Rihanna.

This is amazing. She's the best artist of her generation.

Uh... Oh, hi.

I didn't know you were coming by.

Yeah, no, I just, um... I'm sorry, I came to grab my stuff. I thought you'd

be at work, so... Oh, I took off today.

Your stuff's in the closet. I packed it up for you.

Um... You decided to spend all day in your underwear?

Um, not exactly.

Really, Eric?

Your shampoo is really nice. I love that tea tree stuff. It's so soothing.

What is this?

Uh, hi.

I'm Danny.

Danny.

His name is Danny. Wow.

I literally always thought you wanted to fuck a Grand Slam. It turns out you

have.

This is the X, right? Do you need me to knock him out?

Knock me out?

Okay, calm it down, Glo. I'm gonna take my things. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna grab

the shampoo that you use without asking. It's really nice shampoo.

You should get a new razor, though. I use yours to shape my unmentionables.

Eric.

I'm not doing this.

You know what?

Yeah, actually...

I wasn't going to tell you anything because I don't want to hurt your

feelings, but I am seeing someone.

Apparently feelings don't matter to you, so there you go. Oh, yeah? What's his

name? Yeah, his name is Zach.

You can't even think of a different name other than your own to make up for your

fake boyfriend?

That's so sad.

I'm not having this conversation with you. I'm taking my things, and Zach is

real. Well, so are mermaids and narwhals.

Narwhals are real!

You! Do you think you're pissing me off?

Okay.

I can't believe that just happened.

Yeah, I know.

I'm so hungry.

Are you hungry?

I have dumplings in the fridge, I think. I'm gonna... I'm gonna go get them.

I feel like the dumpling sauce really makes the dumpling, you know?

Mm-hmm.

Wait, why are you getting dressed?

I had a workout class early.

Okay.

Well, you could leave from here or, like, go later, couldn't you?

I can't.

Can I see you sometime soon?

Maybe. I don't know.

Okay. Well, my friends are hanging out Sunday if you wanted to.

Come. Yeah, I'll see.

Hey, what's going on?

Don't worry about it.

I got a workout class early. I told you.

Okay, it's just that... No, I gotta go.

And I will see you around.

What the fuck was that?

What are you doing out here?

Um... I'm scared.

Of the stoop?

I swear it's meant to be that color.

Not of the stoop.

Of you.

Of me?

Of falling in, um... You know, with you.

Okay, well, you came out here an hour ago.

You've been sitting in the cold. I mean, what have you even been doing?

I was thinking, and you came out to look for me, because you knew I'd

be here. That means something, doesn't it?

Yes.

I came out here to look for you.

Look, I want to give this a chance.

That's all I know for right now.

Just wish that there was a way that we could test this.

Test us, just the two of us.

I know what we'll do.

But you, you can't run.

Because I'm fat and slow.

I'd have to take an Uber to catch you.

Zach, do you want to come back inside?

Don't act like a fool.

We will be alright.

We can get away.

Sooner or later.

It's just like Kim Burstyn.

He did all of this for me.

For us. We can get away.

So when you said that you looked for me after we came home, how did you look for

me?

Every way I knew how.

I even called the camp to try to get your information.

It was confidential.

I went back the next summer to CIT, but when you weren't there, I never went

back.

Losing you, yeah.

Broke my heart.

Yeah, mine too.

You know, I never stop looking for you, though.

Sometimes I do, like, a Google search or a search on Instagram.

Just looking.

I did too.

That's why, baby.

I just want this to work.

Okay, I said disgusting. I know, yeah, it's really bad.

Yes.

Wait.

I'm going to close my eyes.

Try it again.

Okay, okay, okay.

Baby, can you pass the salt?

It's so bad.

It's so bad.

Do you have any ideas?

Well, I like short stack for you.

What? Why?

Because I said so, short stack.

For the record, I'm average height.

Hey, can I say something?

Of course.

I just want to say that no matter what happens between us, I just want you to

know that these past few, you've just made me happier than I have felt in a

long time.

So I'm not going to repay that to you, but thank you.

You're everything I want.

Falling in love with you It

gives me Something to do

Works

as a Distraction for

my head to

What is happening?

You okay?

This view really makes me think about everything that you are.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

This weekend has been so nice.

Yeah, it's been amazing.

It's not real though.

Zack I just let me just get through something, please

Yeah,

I don't think I know who I am Zack you know exactly who you are and that's

amazing but I Yeah, I thought I knew who I was and then it turns out

fucking clue it all my job my relationship suddenly it all seemed

wrong like i was living a life that wasn't mine you know blindly saying yes

to things allowing things to happen without even realizing that they were

happening and then i meet you and you're like stealing free booze and being so

disarmingly charming in a way that's like baffling to me and then it's like

all of a sudden i wake up and i realize i don't have a fucking clue at all

You know, I've kind of loved my life since I met you, Zach.

Okay, please, please just let me finish.

This world that we're living in right now, it is amazing and it's wonderful,

but it's not real.

It's not, no, it can't be because how could someone who's just, you

know, let things happen to them?

I was in a relationship with someone for two years and was never honest with

them.

How could that person deserve real love?

And... I don't think I do.

I am really broken.

And you deserve someone whole.

And not just a piece of someone that I could one day be.

No, I've seen you.

That's not you.

That's because I let you see what I want you to see.

It's toxic, you know? You're falling in love with someone who is fair.

No. No, none of this is you, Zach.

You're strong. I am not strong. I have... I have... I have been hiding my

entire life.

You know?

From everyone. Like a... Like a little turtle.

A turtle?

Yeah. Like a... Little turtle.

Hides in a shell.

Never feels right enough to strut his stuff with the right-handed turtle.

You know, two turtles together strutting their stuff.

Because they love each other. I've never had that.

What the hell does that mean?

Zach, I'm not going to explain that perfect metaphor twice.

I'm not giving up without a fight for you.

You're wrong.

Zach.

You deserve better.

No.

Now, don't tell me what I deserve.

I hate that. I want this. I choose this.

You're breaking my heart, Zach.

Come on.

I'm gonna leave.

Go home.

You're gonna go.

Let me stay.

Gotta let me go, then. No.

No. Don't go.

Don't go. Don't go.

Don't go.

Let me stay.

You

wanted

to see me, Margie?

Yeah.

You're fired.

Excuse me?

Lily Avalon won't sign with me, and I'm pissed, so you're fired.

You're the one who had the meeting with her, not me.

Yeah, and I need someone to blame, and here you are.

Okay, well, maybe the reason that she didn't like it here is because you are

such a stuck-up bitch.

Excuse me.

Pack up your things.

You have 20 minutes before I call security.

Well, I've always had it working for you.

And you know what?

Fuck this!

Mm.

How are you?

Not great.

Sorry to hear that.

Yeah.

You ever seem okay?

How's your roommate?

He was my boyfriend, Dad.

Was your boyfriend?

Mm-hmm.

We're done. My, uh... I moved out.

Where are you living?

At a hotel right now.

You better not be putting that on the credit card. That's for emergency uses

only. No, but isn't maybe without a home an emergency?

Not really.

There are plenty of places that you can go that don't cost so much as a hotel

does. But at least you're making enough to find a new place, which is great.

Right. That's why I'm here, actually.

I got fired yesterday.

You got what?

I got fired, which is okay, and I'm glad that it happened because... You're glad?

Dad, I feel like this is the first time I've really let you down.

Sorry, don't count me being gay as letting you down.

You made your decision.

I want to talk about this.

I'm here because I really need to ask for some money. That's not happening.

Dad, please, help me get to a new place, look for a new job, and I'll pay you

back every single penny. I promise. If you want a place to live, you can come

home. If you want to be without a home, you can sleep in the damn park. As I see

it, those are your two options, young man.

Well,

I have to take this.

Just give me two seconds.

Howard, I spoke to your mother.

Still haven't spoken to your dude since this weekend?

Don't call him my dude.

Gay guys don't call each other dude?

No, imagine how weird that is. Like, yo dude, you're a really dope kisser.

Yo, bro Seth, I really love you.

Yeah, see, it's weird as shit.

Hey, frat bros probs do it.

He hasn't even texted you or anything?

Nope, and I don't even know if my messages are delivering.

And what's even worse is that my book is shit, and you have me meeting with that

publisher this week. I'm not ready. I literally have a line that reads, he

didn't not do it. In fact, he did it. See, it's absolute shit.

If you're meant to be with him, you will.

No, you know, if this has taught me anything, it's that fate or some dumb

shit is exactly what I thought it was.

It's pain.

Because it's false, and that's what hurts the most.

All right.

Yes,

please. Okay. Thanks. All right. Salute.

It's like car oil.

Stop drinking car oil. Then you know what it tastes like. Another one.

Thank you.

One more. That's enough for now.

One more. It's Abby. I'll throw it back. You're always trying to get me here,

aren't you?

Yeah, because, you know, you usually forget who I am after we leave work,

so... What do you mean?

What do you mean, what do I mean?

I'm not just your sounding board at work, Zach. I ask you to hang out

because we're friends, and you seem to forget that maybe Ava's time matters,

too. I don't know.

I'm single now, so, you know, we can do this all the time.

Okay, but you don't have to be single to want to hang out with your best friend.

That's your title.

Excuse me?

Oh, my.

Don't be like that. I'm saying, one day, you know, you're just like, I'm your

best friend.

Oh.

Okay, you know what? Fuck you, Zach.

What?

I'm not just gonna sit here and wait for you to one day be grateful that I'm in

your life.

God, I sat here through boring-ass Eric, and now this new era of you finally

meeting the boy that you're meant to be with.

I'm not really meant to be with anyone. Yes, you are. You choose not to be.

But you're right about one thing, Zach.

You blew up your life, and that's no one's fault but yours.

You know, people just wait a lifetime to have what you had. I think you

understand. I do understand.

You don't. This is me.

You know, I come here every night with a friend, without a friend, because I

deserve what you had.

I'm a huge catch, and I'm exactly who I'm meant to be.

Can I just say one word? No, you cannot, especially not right now, okay? Because

I'm living, and you are witnessing my ascendance. Oh, yeah, into what? Into

finally telling you that, baby, God damn it, I'm so much more than your work

wife. God, and I'm running all this shit, and if you can't see that, then

you go find yourself a new best friend. It's your title.

And it's the truth.

Okay, whether you admit it or not, so go to Jersey or fucking don't. I don't

care, but this girl right here, she's done until you start appreciating her

because guess what? That's what she deserves.

God.

You want to get out of here?

Yeah.

Zach.

Yes, hi, Warren.

Yes, good to see you.

You too. Thanks for meeting with... Of course.

Hello. Oh, you're here already. Hi. Can I get you two anything? I would love to

get you something. Please let me. I think we're going to need a second.

Yeah, I need a second. Okay, okay. I'll give you two a second to peruse.

Second's over. Oh, my God.

I'll be back in un momento, as they say in Spanish.

Thanks. Si.

She's a lot to handle. Yeah.

So should we just jump right in? Sure.

Listen up, Zachy.

Can I call you Zachy? You just did.

Zachy boy, I think there's a real market for your book. I want to help you find

that market, make this book a hit. But you got to make some changes first.

Where are the werewolves, pal?

Everything's better when there are vampires and werewolves.

Werewolves? Like, I'm right.

Also, it's too short. You got to work on the length.

Longer, thicker.

Do you hear yourself or? Yes, but the question is, do you hear me?

I think this has a potential to be a real hit series.

But you've got to make the first one the Sorcerer's Stone.

Wow. Big shoes there.

Oh, you noticed.

I wear a size 12 1⁄2.

I think your book is terrific.

I want to get it out there.

Yes, please.

So you're open to revisions? I'm willing to listen to whatever you have to say.

Perfect. I love it.

First things first. We've got some paperwork here.

This is the contract.

Now, you might want to have somebody look this over for you, but as you can

see right there, there's the payment breakdown.

So much money.

I've never had this much money. I can get the gas turned on in my apartment.

Yeah, baby.

We're cooking with gas now. Let me tell you something else. This is going to be

big. New York Times bestseller big.

And listen, I don't bullshit.

It takes too much time and energy that I could be spending on my fantasy baseball

league. Also, I'm going to need you to meet the rest of the team.

Some of them are out on the other coast.

Can you get to L.A. next Friday? Okay, great. I'll have my assistant book you a

flight.

Sam, why are you here?

I'm figuring out my life.

You can't do that in the city.

Well, I, uh, broke up with Eric.

And then I moved out.

Then I met the best guy I'll ever meet, fell in love with him, decided to end

that so neither of us would get hurt, and then finally lost my job.

That sounds horrible. It really does.

I'm glad you're here, though.

You can help me pick out a dress for winter formal.

Cute. Yeah, but I am going to go to Jenna J's house for band practice in a

bit, so maybe we'll do it later.

You're going to go to Jenna Jenison's house? No. That's cute. No. You can't

say the full name. She doesn't like it. You know, the porn actress. Well, that's

too bad, because Jenna Jenison's name is hilarious.

Well, whatever.

You've got to get it together, man. Like, what are you going to do to get

your life back? I am doing something, okay?

Something is called sulking. You need to stop moping. It's, like, pretty gross.

Sorry, my sadness is annoying you. I have an idea.

We could go on a run.

Yeah. No.

No. No.

We're gonna go, so get dressed.

Yeah, so let's march, okay? I said march, Zach.

Let's go.

Zach!

It's amazing, man!

finally going to be making some money.

I know. I'll actually be able to pay for myself sometimes.

Sometimes?

Have you heard from Zach at all?

No. It's been like a week and a half.

I don't think he wants anything to do with me.

You okay?

No, I'm blue about it.

Blue about it? What? Yeah.

Blue, like sad, you know? I've never heard anyone use that expression before.

I like that.

You've never heard anyone use the phrase blue to mean sad? Like, I'm blue. I'm

down. Like, I'm blue.

What?

Let's just move on from how I'm saying it and just focus on what I'm saying.

Does that sound good?

Okay. Sorry for not being up to date on all the newest slang or whatever.

I don't really know what happened.

We were only together for, like, a week and a half, but it felt like we were

meant to be together. Oh, my God.

That sounds really stupid. That sounds really freaking stupid. I'm sorry. It's

fate, brother.

Can't fight it.

No, don't say that to me.

We're done.

You're not done.

Things like this aren't just done like that.

Things where you meet someone you shared a kiss with in middle school and then

they randomly pop back up into your life again?

Look, I've known you your whole life.

I've never seen you. This is bigger than just these past two weeks. Okay, then

what is this, huh?

You're in love, man. That's what it is.

It's fate or destiny or whatever.

The stars are on your side. It's like there's some cosmic event. I can't

explain it. Cosmic event?

All I'm saying is don't pretend like this is just some thing.

Things like this don't just happen.

If you guys don't end up together, then screw love forever as far as I'm

concerned. I really hope you're right.

Okay, can we just stop for a second and enjoy the view? This is the Jersey

suburbs. There's no such thing as a view, Zach.

Well, can we just stop for a second?

No, you haven't had your epiphany yet. I saw it once in a movie.

What kind of epiphany am I supposed to be having?

You know, just how to get your life back together. You just generally seem like a

really big mess right now. Yeah, and running with my teenage sisters was

supposed to help me out. Yeah, it should.

You know what? It's not going to.

I'm done. What?

I'm out. I'm going to go home. No, Zach, you haven't had your epiphany yet. What

are you doing? Come on.

It's not going to happen. That's not how life works.

So tell me how life works. I don't know how life works. Right.

What do you mean, right?

No, I mean, you're right.

You can't predict the future, Zach. I'm going off to college next year. I might

change my major 14 times or even drop out and become a traveling banjo woman

or whatever.

What are you talking about?

You're upset because you don't know where your life is headed. But nobody

knows where their life is headed. That's the freaking point of life is to try and

figure it out.

I think you just had my epiphany.

Well, I think I did.

How are you so wise?

Huh?

Wouldn't that happen? Don't do that. Wouldn't that happen? Tell me.

You know, actually, a ghost vomited in my mouth when I was a child, and so her

spirit lives in me. It's not that funny.

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm just kidding. I'm an old soul or whatever. Let's go.

Beep beep!

Wow, Jenna Jennison.

Look at you. You know, instead of saying beep beep, there's actually something

right in front of your face that actually does that for you.

Hi, Zack.

Heard you back home at 45.

Seems good. Making strides. Oh, yes. It looks like you're thriving in your porn

career. I'm not that Jenna.

Gonna fool me.

I like this guy.

So honest.

Zack, you wanna come?

No way. Sorry.

Have fun. I'm gonna go walk around. You want me to come with you? Bye!

Been out?

Yeah, I just went for a walk around the neighborhood.

Seemed like good use of the time.

Is this your son?

He's cute.

I see the resemblance.

So, are you going to introduce me or am I going to sit here like a wall

ornament?

See, Zach, if you work hard and you play your cards right... Maybe someday you,

too, could have a girl like Barbie.

Ooh.

Yeah.

God, I'm really sorry, because you seem really nice, Barb. I am nice. Yeah, and

very pretty. Well, I know that. I want enough pageants to have two trophies.

Well, actually, I think I'd rather poke my eyes out than end up with a woman

like you.

Excuse me?

When is this going to stop, Dad?

You are so intelligent.

I don't know why you have to always fight me when I'm trying to help you. I

don't need your help. You understand?

I do not need your help. I want to be nothing like you, Dad. I want something

else. Yeah, well, that's been clear for years.

This isn't about me being gay. That makes sense. I mean, what straight man

wouldn't want this?

Not now, Barb.

I don't think you get it. I don't want to be anything like you. I don't want

anything like your life. I don't want this house.

It is so cold. I mean, aesthetically.

And also, the temperature in here.

It's arctic.

I just want you to live a life you can be proud of. So in 30 years, you can

look back and say, yes, I did the right thing. Well, I appreciate your concern.

But please let me live my life. God damn it, Zach. I'm trying to help you. I

don't even know why I keep trying to fix you. Fix me? Yeah, that's what I said.

I don't need you to fix me, Dad.

That's it.

This is who I am. This is who I'm going to be today, tomorrow, God, next year, a

decade. So, you know, if you want to be okay with me, be okay with me or don't.

Be a part of my life or don't.

But please, figure it out on your own time.

Stop dragging me into it.

Bye,

Barb.

Oh, he is wrong about you, Carl.

The name is Paul.

Well, you don't visit enough.

I'm sorry, Grandma.

I've been working on my book.

Oh, yes, you boys and your vampires.

Oh, thank you.

You know Roxy, don't you?

It's good to see you again. How's my wonderful grandma been? Oh, she's

stellar, as always.

I'm stellar, as always.

Hey, Grandma, can I ask you a question?

What is your question, Pudgy?

I... I really wish that wasn't my childhood nickname.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I wish you'd grown out of it. I was skinny once.

I know. For about five years.

What happened?

Grandma, does love exist?

Well, I love you.

No, Grandma, I mean, like, romantic love. Like, love for one person.

Does that exist, or am I just meant to be single forever?

Oh.

Well...

Yes, love is real, dear, and it's wonderful, but people have been writing

about it forever.

It's difficult to find the perfect words.

It could be, you know, that knot you feel in your chest when somebody smiles

at you.

Sometimes it's in the quietest moments that you feel the most love for someone.

When the noise has calmed down for the day and you and this person you've

chosen to be alone with, you could make dinner

or just talk or play backgammon.

Your grandfather used to call them the little moments.

It's a journey. And in those little moments...

You may, if you're lucky, find what you're searching for.

That's... beautiful, and I really don't know what to say.

Call him.

How did you know?

It's all over your face.

Call him.

Okay.

So, you were Margie Kitland's assistant.

Yes, up until a week ago.

I won't hold that against you. Thank you. You're extremely qualified.

Almost too qualified.

Why are you still looking for assistant jobs?

Well, I mean, I want to be an agent, and this is how you get there, so... Well...

Well, listen, I think you'd really appreciate me being here. I know I have

a great eye for talent. Margie liked every single person that I brought in.

Okay. You say you want to be an agent, so why aren't you applying to be one?

You've been an assistant long enough. You worked for Carter Blurring before

you worked for Margie.

You need to be taking that next step.

I think you're right. Do you still want to be an assistant?

No, I don't.

I want more.

Yeah, I want to be who I'm meant to be.

More? I want my own agency with my own clients.

Yeah, I'm making this choice. I want it.

Yes, that's it.

This has been a good talk, right?

I've changed your life a little. Yes, yeah, a lot, actually. Thank you so

much. Good, that's great.

So if I'm writing werewolves, they have to have their own werewolf language,

right? Oh, yeah, it only makes sense. Okay, like, why are you shirtless,

though? I gotta stay ripped for Chloe, bro.

Please just don't sweat all over my floor. Um, you have a mouse family

living in your kitchen cabinets. I'm pretty sure you can deal with my sweat

on the floor.

I cleaned up.

Like, it looks better. I got an exterminator.

No one notices.

No one ever notices. They just always talk about the mouse you once had.

So, um, how have you been?

Hanging in there.

My hermit crab is sick, but she brought it on herself.

You have a hermit crab?

I have several hermit crabs.

Okay, well, that illustrates your point that I am, uh, you know, selfish and

stupid and, um, not very nice and...

I am... An asshole sometimes.

An asshole sometimes, yes.

And I just gotta say, I mean, I didn't even know you had hermit crabs.

I never asked you if you had hermit crabs.

And I was just so caught in my own head, just with my own thoughts, and I didn't

think to ask about you in such a long time. I'm really... You're a beautiful

person, inside and out, Ava.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

And I am so...

Lucky that you're my best friend.

I don't know, bitch.

Thank you so much.

I'm really, really sorry.

Sorry? I am. Oh, wow.

That I was not the friend that you deserved.

You were the friend that I needed.

Are you being serious?

Yes. Zachary.

Yes.

Come on.

Oh, finally.

I love you too, boo.

I'm making changes in my life.

Like drinking this cold coffee in this cold weather.

Really brave.

Okay. And I need to do what I'm meant to do.

I'm done being an assistant.

I'm starting my own agency.

Lance is going to be my first client. He agreed to it. And Ava, you.

Yes?

I cannot do this without you. No, you cannot. One second of it without you.

You're my work wife. And actually, you know what?

Fuck that.

You are my partner in all of this.

Can I just ask you one question?

Sure. Can my name go before yours in a logo? Because it just sounds better.

We need to celebrate.

Oh, we're celebrating.

Whatever makes you happy, boo.

What's wrong?

Just Zach made me really happy. Of course you can make yourself happy.

That's the only way. No, I'm talking about the others. Oh my God, you see

that name shit? It's hella confusing.

Why don't you just go talk to him? I can't.

What do you mean you can't? I can't. I ruined it. I mean, I fully ruined it,

ruined it. Ruined it all over.

You know, he should hate me. I would hate me.

He gave me his heart, and I was like... I mean, have you even tried to fix it?

I can't fix it.

Why not?

Because I obliterated it.

Period. I did. I just blew it up. Ashes on the ground. Can never re-resurrect it

ever again.

I guess I'm just meant to focus on my own thing right now and focus on... What

the hell? What the hell? Are you kidding me?

This isn't some dollar store romance novel.

If you want him, you gotta go get him.

Zachary Percival Mandel.

Not now, Percy, okay?

You're trying to make changes in your life, all right? You gotta take life by

the horns. Yo, grab him by the horns. What? He does not have horns. Okay,

figurative horns.

Come on, you can't live life too passive and not take a moment and make it yours,

because who knows what could happen in that moment?

You want to be a person? All right, then be a person. You can't go through life

and love expecting the worst to happen.

Because you might be scared when the best love finds you.

Should I go and tell him that I love him?

Right? Is that insane?

Oh, my God!

Percy, if you don't go right now, I'm gonna shove you down those subway steps.

Okay? Okay. And you better tell him if he breaks your heart, I'm gonna kick him

so hard that his ball sack is gonna go into his stomach and he's gonna bleed to

death. Now go!

Go!

Go!

Oh, I'm sorry. Hi.

Hi. Can I help you?

Yeah, is Zach here?

Yeah, he's here, but he's working. I don't want to bother him.

It's really hard.

Unless, of course, he asks me to go in there and I help him out.

Right.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

Oh, I'm Peter. Sorry, I'm really sweaty. I've just been working it out. You know,

having a really good pounding.

Zach's been keeping me busy. You know, he needs a lot of help in his room.

He's like a madman in there.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Yeah, we've been working on balancing.

Oh. Wow. And he says the top could be a little thicker. I'm sure. And then, of

course, the bottom could be a little tighter.

Wow.

That's some information.

Yeah, once I get going, I can't stop.

Well, I'm gonna go.

So... Oh, okay.

Do you want me to tell him you came by? No.

No, please, just don't say a word.

Okay, you sure?

Yeah, don't say anything.

Thanks.

See you later, sexy.

See ya.

Was that at the door?

It was a telemarketer.

At my door?

Yeah.

Telemarketing means over the phone.

Oh, it was a Mormon giving away Bibles.

Get back to work.

And finish the draft.

Yo, or what?

Ah, damn it.

You cheated!

Hey, I just wanted to leave a word that, um, I think he's with someone else.

So, uh, yeah, I'm gonna go home. I think he moved in.

I will talk to you soon.

Okay, bye.

In the deep end with you.

Swimming in the deep end with you.

In the deep end with you.

You.

All right, all right.

You're really stupid, you know that? I'm sorry, who are you? That's not the

question you need to be asking me. Okay, well, you just barged in my apartment. I

have no clue who you are. You have. I have? Well, you screwed up. What did I

screw up? Zach, he's a really good guy. He could be fucked up sometimes, but

he's a really good guy.

I haven't heard from Zach in over a week. How did I screw that up? Oh,

really? Well, he came over today while you were porking some shirtless dude

like the whore that you are.

You're a whore.

I wasn't porking anyone.

Was that shirtless hunk that was at the door, huh? Huh? That was my best

friend's boyfriend.

Oh. He's straight. Oh, my God. Zach was here?

Freaking Peter.

Fucking Peter.

I know.

Where's Zach now?

Shoot, he's in New Jersey.

Are you kidding? That is so far, and I already did stuff today, and I'm

supposed to be at JFK and...

Two hours!

Well, he's in Jersey, so... I'm sorry, who are you?

That's only a question Zachary can answer.

Why? I'm just kidding, dude.

I'm Ava, his bestie.

Okay, fine.

I have to go to New Jersey and then JFK in two hours.

Can I even do that?

Well, not unless you're secretly Batman.

I freaking wish, dude.

Okay, well...

Love, it's a bitter fruit. Throw it back and it becomes dirt. You know who said

that? My cashier at Land of Donut.

She's so smart.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna go get Zach.

I'm gonna go.

Hey, I need you to leave so that I can go get Zach. Of course, of course. Yeah.

Yeah. It was so nice meeting you.

Ava. I got that much.

Hi, we're in Swarovski's office. Hi, Alexis, is

Warren in?

This is Zach Anthony.

Okay, listen, I need to change my flight to tomorrow night, okay? I'll explain

later, but it's an emergency.

Can I help you? I need to talk to Zach.

He's not here.

Do you know when he'll be back?

Not for a while.

Oh.

I really need to talk to him.

And you are?

I'm Zach.

No, that's my son's name.

It's my name, too.

It's funny, right?

Hilarious. And what do you need to talk to Zach about?

I need to tell him how I feel.

About? About him.

You know, all these years, I've tried to keep Godzilla away from him, hoping that

he'd get over this phase.

Phase?

The gay phase.

Right. The phase that never ends because it's not a phase at all. That one?

Maybe the answer is just to let him be.

I feel like this is a talk you should have with your son and not your son's

potential boyfriend.

So you think you can make him happy that you can take care of my son?

I will try.

But, full disclosure, I can barely take care of myself, Sal.

Oh, you're not really reassuring me here. It's not really in my job

description. Could you please, please just tell me where Zach is?

He's at his sister's high school dance, chaperoning.

How do I get there?

Who are you?

You must buy a ticket to get in. Buy tickets or hit the bricks.

That almost made a rhyme, Patty.

I am an English teacher, Brenda.

I know. It's so hard for me to make a good rhyme, though. That comes with the

territory of being a biology teacher.

Pay up or else no grinding for you.

No grinding for anyone, Brenda. Oh, right. No, no. No grinding. Okay, okay.

Here's $20. Can I go in now? Yes.

Thank you.

Want a kiss?

Yeah, I'm sorry. Who are you? Random girls keep coming up to me, yelling at

me. I don't know who you are. I'm sorry. I'm Zach's sister. I'm Hannah.

Ava told me you were coming, so I've been on the lookout. I don't know where

you are, but don't worry, he doesn't know you're here.

So, is this the jacket you wore today?

It's fashionable.

Okay, yeah. Hold on.

Brett, I'm sorry. I don't think it would be needed.

Zach, I think this would fit you perfectly. So, if you could follow me,

I'll clean you up. It'll be amazing.

Okay, listen.

There's one more thing.

I have an idea.

You've come to the right place. Look.

We're ready.

Born ready.

Okay.

I'm not a vampire. I just like to pretend I am.

Like, you know, I don't suck blood, but I don't like to be awake in the daytime.

And that's red wine on my shirt. Stop looking.

I just wish someone would write a good book about vampires.

None of these books are accurate depictions of my family.

I mean, my family are normal humans.

Goth. Sweaters.

I think I actually know someone that you might like.

Hey, turn the lights back on.

I can't even tell whose boobs these are.

Um, hi.

I don't go here.

And, um, I'm not a high schooler.

Yeah, we can see that.

Thank you. Um, but I am gonna sing a song because Zach

Mandel, I love you.

I have, I have you breathing down my neck.

I don't, don't know what you could possibly expect under this condition,

so I'll wait, I'll wait.

For the ambulance to come, pick us up off the floor.

What could you possibly expect under this condition? So slow

down. This night's the perfect shade of dark blue.

Just dark blue.

This flood, this flood is slowly rising up, swallowing the ground beneath my

feet. Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition, so I'll swim,

I'll swim as the water rises up, the sun is sinking down, and now all I can see

is the planets in a row suggesting it's best that I slow down.

This night's the perfect shade of...

I said the world's burning dark blue.

We were boxing.

We were boxing the stars.

We were boxing.

We were swinging from all...

I'm sorry.

Me too.

I didn't mean to run away. I just, you know. I know.

I didn't mean to make you feel like you couldn't come back.

You know, I told you I didn't know what would make me feel this way.

I took you.

That's really beautiful.

You can also think of your terrifying friend. She was an absolute nightmare.

What? Did Ava come and see you?

Oh my God, how's your ball sag?

It's fine. Oh.

Okay. Wait, Zach, what was she gonna do to my ball sack?

Shh. It's all better now.

Hey, Zach.

Yeah? Are you disappointed on me?

What? What do you mean?

I've imagined who you are every day for the past 15 years.

And you are exactly who I want you to be.

But am I?

You're even better.

What? You are...

Thousand times better than anything I could have ever dreamed of.

I love you, Isaiah.

You are my turtle.

You are my right other turtle.

The turtle thing again.

Yes.

I love you too.

What do you say we get out of here?

That sounds really good.

I was gay.

Three small words are so big when they're full.

Bye! So, Zach was my first kiss.

It's dry.

It's good, but it's a little dry.

I can't talk.

I really hope you're right.

I am right.

Now, to get back to the important things, you really don't know what blue

means. Like, you've never heard this before.

Ever. no one's ever told you i feel blue you know i'm an old soul i don't keep up

to date with all the trends okay i marched the beat of my own drum and i'm

right get off of me you know do you know what color this is

sad we're gonna

kiss later enjoy the

show and i hate actresses and i don't know why you date them wait what about

me you like me right yes peter you're not an actress and you'd like me even

though i can't do a british accent i mean it's disappointing but sure i like

you i'm gonna go get drunk okay do you mean you're gonna go get a drink i mean

what i mean i love you

Don't be using your credit card on that.

I need

more icing.

I ate it all.

Oh, it was just an old man asking if he smelled young.

What?

Get back to work.

What?

Get back to work and finish the draft.

Or else... I'll poop on you.

Okay, you and Chloe are into some weird shit.

You're really stupid, you know that? I'm sorry, who are you? Okay, I don't

think... That's the question you need to be asking me. Okay, but you just barged

into my apartment and I know who you are. Oh, have I?

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

You made almost a good rhyme, Brenda.

I am an English teacher, Brenda.

Still speeding.

Because, Zach Mandel, I love you.

And I sing this song.

He's got his credit card for you whenever you're ready.

Credit card?

Yes. Okay. I don't have credit. Oh, really?

No. Oh, well, that's attractive for a first date. Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

Nothing says sinking credit like love, you know? No, no, no, no. Also, I pee

myself a lot, so.

Oh, wow.

Okay, cool. Can't wait to see you tonight.

Okay.

Conversation's over.

Don't say a word.

Oh, fuck!

Will you do the little narwhals for me

really quick?

What's a narwhal?

Um, I think it's like, uh... It's like a hunt.

And a hunt...

Can you Google narwhals for me really quick?

Oh, it's like a cat.

Oh.

Um... Let's watch a movie.

Okay.

Good things come to those who wait. You complicated it so much.

I don't think so, Zach.

That's a picture wrap on Zach Anthony.