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I'm a gym rat.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

I'm a gym rat.

I was at the gym for five hours today.

Woo.

What day isn't today? Thursday.

Thursday's penis day.

Friday's legs.

Saturday's penis day.

Sunday's legs again.

Monday, the balls.

Tuesday's penis day.

Wednesday's legs again, Thursday's penis day.

Now,

you might be asking yourself, James, when's arms?

What do you think I'm doing on penis day, oh boy?

Give it up.

Ba, ba, ba!

You and me, pal, same kind of stuff.

We like the same kind of stuff.

I won't bother you anymore.

He'll yeah.

I'm getting older.

Getting older is in the news.

I'm getting older.

Man, I can't fall asleep anymore

without getting up five more times to jack off.

Come on, brother, one more time.

Ba, ba, ba!

I said I wasn't gonna bother you

and I came right back to you.

♪ It's a quarter after one ♪

♪ I'm all alone and I need you now ♪

♪ Said, sa-gan-dow ♪

♪ And I dapping up a dude in the front ass row ♪

♪ Because I'm doing jokes about touching my penis ♪

♪ I just need you now ♪

Bow!

I'm from Nashville, Tennessee.

Anybody ever been?

Come on. There's some White women in the crowd.

I know you've been to Nashville. Come on.

See y'all go to the bachelorette parties.

Trooping off of the Southwest flight

in the matching bachelorette party.

Neon pink T-shirt say some bachelorette party on.

I'm like, David, that's not even...

You know, whatever it says. Nevermind.

See all these people come in,

enjoy the homeless people

that we have in Nashville who are so talented.

You know what?

If you're gonna live in the streets of Nashville,

you better be able to shred that mandolin, brother.

I had a little altercation

with a homeless man recently in New York.

Thought I'd tell you guys about it.

It was very interesting.

Went down like this.

"Excuse me, sir. Can I help you?"

I've seen you. Oh, I know you.

I've seen you before.

I got a third eye.

And every day, I see you come around. See you come around.

I see through my third eye, my chakra, it opens up.

I see you come around the corner.

That was Michelle Obama was there and Mark David Chapman.

I remember the day, it was Stephen King killed John Lennon.

It wasn't Mark David Chapman

because day Stephen King came up in a van,

he came out, and he playing a "Catcher in the Rye" there.

He said, John Lennon, the body.

And then, me and him,

we was in the Todd Rundgren cover band.

We just turned around with Todd, doing Todd Rundgren covers.

And I cast you out. You were there too.

I cast you out, demon.

I cast you out on the name

of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I cast you out.

And the homeless guy was like, "Okay, nevermind.

I will seek resources elsewhere.

Thank you."

You ever been playing a video game

and your guy gets into some fire?

Okay. So, this is a video game guy burning alive.

Maybe the health is going down by two

for some reason.

When will you be engulfed?

Well, James is not a well man.

You need to know that.

We share a hotel room.

Every night,

he makes me watch old YouTube clips of his stand up.

Jokes I've seen a thousand times.

It's like, we get it.

Going on the road with somebody,

like being their opener is like a a sacred bond, you know?

He's like, he really unites people.

He just gives, he knows how to give a crowd what they want.

I ain't even doing Trump tonight.

- Oh. - Fuck you. Fuck you.

No, I'm not.

I'm gonna do 20 minutes of diarrhea stuff,

take off all of my clothes, and walk off the stage.

When you were a kid, you didn't have to worry about puberty

or impressing people, or girls because they were icky.

Yeah, I had many a friend die on the playground

because of cooties.

Trying to figure out like where you guys are at.

You know what I'm talking about?

I mean, politically,

I don't really know what the mood of the room is.

So, I can do this joke

and this will just help me lock in

and then see what stuff to do.

I was with my wife in the living room the other day

and she was looking around.

She said, "I think I want to do an accent wall in here."

I said, accent wall?

Isn't that what the illegals are crawling under every day

to fill this nation with drugs and crime?

Okay.

Sort of a hard right audience.

Cool.

It can be hard to shot for James just based on,

you know, his punchy belly and his question mark posture

and the big nose, you know.

Our time together, it's mainly spent on his nose.

It takes a long time because his nose is really big.

One time, he comes up to me and he's like,

"Do these loafers make my nose look big?"

I have to be honest.

Like, of course it does. They do.

You know, one of the other agents

was saying to me the other day, you know,

"James is such a hot shot."

And I said to him, what the are you talking about?

James is not just a hotshot.

James is a super stud.

James is a Hollywood pimp.

God, I wish I had more studs like James on my roster.

ATM machine with skin.

It is kind of funny to think at one point,

Joe Biden was getting attacked for being woke.

Trump just being like, "He's woke. He's so woke."

Yeah. Joe Biden's real woke.

That's the wokest kind of guy I can imagine.

A 99-year-old Catholic billionaire.

The wokest kind of guy

that's coming to mind.

Remember when Biden would try to pander

to that side of his base,

how garbled it would sound coming out of his mouth?

"This morning I was speaking with a Black guy

and gay.

It was gays.

Most pro-gay, most pro-gay president,

history of the country.

We're not gonna go back.

No, I was in Philadelphia.

Went down to see the picket line of some striking baristas.

There's a little guy there with purple hair.

Told me, he said

that Starbucks corporate

didn't respect his identity as a lesbian.

I said, that stops today, little guy.

It's okay. Okay, gay.

It's okay, gay.

Asian, Chinese.

Starts today.

We move forward together.

Starts now, tomorrow.

We begin today."

I really do miss that.

I missed his speeches.

You know what I'm talking about?

We had so much of Trump for four years.

Oh, this guy talks and talks and talks, and he doesn't read.

He can't read, Donald Trump.

We're sick of that.

And in 2020, we said, we want the exact opposite of that.

I am so tired of having a guy who can talk, he can't read.

Give me a guy who can read, he can't talk.

And we had Joe Biden.

You knew Joe Biden read the paper in the morning.

He just couldn't prove that to you

at speech time.

This poor man, we made him read so many,

all this data to us.

"It's one in four kids. It's like 5%.

It's down 5% since 1971.

So, it was reducing emissions.

By 2036, down 43%."

Cranking it up. This is good data.

I want to hear what he's saying.

I can't understand it.

It's on 100. He's like getting quieter now.

"So, food It's completely insolvent.

Chairman of the House Judiciary fine.

It's not fair."

Then, he starts that screaming and yelling,

and cursing shit out of no...

"I said, goddammit.

Fuck that. Not today."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Too loud.

"There's a Biden speech where I'm squealing and yelling.

Here's a Biden speech where I'm whispering.

My eyes were wide.

You can do better."

His mom always had a saying.

That's what I really miss about Joe Biden.

All of his mom's sayings.

Could be breaking ground on a factory in the middle of Ohio,

his mom had a saying about that.

"Folks, today reminds me something my mom told me.

Sat me down at breakfast tables in Pennsylvania.

Said, 'Joe,

the opening of this DuPont chemical textiles plant,

it's gonna bring 11,000 jobs.

11,000 jobs to Central Ohio

make us competitive with our allies.

Germany, our allies in Taiwan, our allies in Arizona.'"

But I don't get any of that political stuff.

That's not what I'm here to talk about tonight.

It's a synthetic.

And he said you gotta take the bobby pins out.

And then, you gotta just shake it around.

He told me this is gonna look-

It looks better with the bobby pins out?

Like shake it out, you know.

And this is from LA.

This is from LA.

I think you got to just have it on

and see what it looks like.

And I think that's gonna really hammer it home for you.

Looks like Gayle King.

That wig looks like

It's a really looking wig.

This is for YouTube.

This bit is gonna be 90 seconds long.

Just put on the wig - This was supposed

to be the whole thing. - and do the bit.

The whole thing? - The whole thing

is for this.

Who told you that was a good idea?

No, me.

Everybody knows who David Fricke is.

Nobody has any idea who David Fricke is.

He's the senior editor

of "Rolling Stone". - I know that.

I'm really upset.

There's like seven dudes who know who David Fricke is.

You're gonna make a special for seven people?

If that's what it takes.

People are gonna think I look like a girl.

I think that's just the plastic hat that it's on

that makes it look

like no one's gonna think you look like a girl.

You don't have the complexion to pull that off.

You don't think people are gonna think I'm a girl?

No.

I don't want to look like a girl.

Everybody, put your hands together

for the "Rolling Stone" editor

and rock music critic, David Fricke.

Not since the days of Red Skelton

have we seen a more high-performing,

dynamic, fast-growing, or high-flying comedian.

And fly he did.

You know, there are some who say that comedy

is under attack, that men can't say anything anymore.

Even that comedy is illegal.

All of that is true.

But it ignores one important fact

that James Austin Johnson is here to save us,

to save comedy.

Okay, look, the live experience.

Oh, before I do that, did you guys hear

that Jerry Seinfeld is doing movie scores now?

- What? - Yeah, this is true.

Jerry Seinfeld, he's doing movie scores now.

He's composing music for movies.

The first one

that he's doing is set in the war in Afghanistan.

And this first piece

is from an establishing shot of the desert.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Y'all ever been to regular church?

Scrimmages.

Three on three pickup church.

Shirts versus skins church.

Church just because.

Well, it's Sunday.

I went to so much regular church as a kid.

And you know what?

When you are at regular church,

when you're not there on Christmas or Easter,

one of the big ones, you're there with the dead heads.

They have heard "Amazing Grace" a million times.

They're not interested in the hits.

They want to hear B-sides and rarities, you know?

They're reaching real deep in the hymnal.

You're not even sure

what you're hearing is theologically sound in any way.

I was at church with my parents in Nashville recently.

We heard this song.

You guys can tell me if this is a real song

because I couldn't tell.

It went like this.

♪ He's got a big black box and we're all cramming inside ♪

♪ Come on, cram inside, Jesus ♪

♪ Big black magic box ♪

♪ There's not a lot of room ♪

♪ So we'll have to scrunch together ♪

♪ Come on, scrunch up inside, Jesus, big black box ♪

♪ And He's gonna pick up the big black box ♪

♪ And He's gonna shoot it at the moon ♪

♪ And we're gonna party on the moon with Jesus Christ ♪

♪ Then, we'll have to rush quick, get back in the box ♪

♪ Because we'll quickly deplete our oxygen ♪

♪ And we'll live out our remaining hours ♪

♪ In the darkness with our Lord ♪

A real song. Anybody know?

For the love of God, James,

when I first met you, I thought this was cool!

I thought, oh, a funny guy.

Hilarious. - Mm.

- Now, I can't stand- - Well, it's No Nut November.

Should I wear these

or does it look like I got me threed?

We met on a Reddit, like a subreddit for Nazarenes

who were really into indie sleaze.

And we both went to these like tiny Christian colleges.

Driven by a goth girl.

I break for goth girls.

We're both kinda like nerds,

but just about things

just off center from like actual nerdo.

Everybody keeps going on and on about big titty goth GF.

Well, what about big personality goth GF?

I mean, and now we both do comedy, which is awesome.

Bow your heads with me.

♪ Oh Lord, won't You make me a spaceship ♪

♪ Won't You let me ride all around Your Milky Way ♪

Why is nobody singing with me?

♪ Won't You bury me ♪

There's an old saying

that all musicians think they're funny

and that all comedians just want to be musicians.

♪ Show me where the little Martians play ♪

And then, there are some people who blend both of those.

♪ Oh, holy priestess, won't you take my ass to tattooing ♪

Is James Austin Johnson one of those people?

♪ Show me where you hid those Death Star plant ♪

Probably not.

This is Robin Williams seeing boobies.

Robin Williams sees a topless woman.

What does that sound like? Here we go.

Oh, oh.

There you go.

Oh, oh, yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, yes.

It's not your fault.

Donnie, it's not your fault.

He was a great roommate. He was a fine roommate.

25, upstart, just showed up

to LA not too long ago, was living in a closet.

Not in like that sense.

Like he was, he's fine.

He's straight, last time I checked.

Very funny, very weird.

Made a lot of noises.

Somebody told me recently that I look like a picture

of a grandfather from when he was young.

We had a good time back in the day.

LA was a different city.

It was a different city. It was a different James.

Way more dangerous.

He's great now.

He actually made all these wigs for me, every single one.

I don't know where he got the hair from.

He never told me.

I hadn't had a new wig since I last saw him

and hopefully he's still making wigs.

Before television,

before television as a concept

entered my life,

I was a singer/songwriter in Nashville for many years.

This is a part of my life

not a lot of people really know that much about.

Let's see, I was 38 in 1999. I'm 64 now.

I know it's not the funniest part of the show.

Maybe it's a little self-indulgent,

but it's a piece of my life I like to share with audiences.

But what I was doing was always more sort of roots,

kind of roots rock,

sort of more on the Americana kind of roots, country music.

I don't know about country music.

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, like pop country.

I don't really get into this pop country crap.

Do you guys know?

You guys know what I'm talking about?

I don't really get into this pop country crap.

Do you guys like country music, by the way?

- Woo. - Woo.

Yeah.

I heard one really quiet, "No."

"No."

Even in Nashville, I'll ask if people,

especially in Nashville,

I'll ask if people like country music,

I'll get some, "No!"

"No!

The rising tide that has lifted all boats in this economy?

No!"

You ever see people on like Facebook

or dating apps, say,

"I like all music except rap and country?"

All music? Zamba.

Chicago House. Electro Clash.

Philip Glass, John Cage.

A guy playing a harpsichord in a Rococo ballroom by himself.

I like all music.

I like all music except when White people tell me

about their problems and achievements

and Black people tell me

about their problems and achievement.

I do not want to hear what's going down in a rural

or urban environment.

Do not give me any poetry

about either the mean streets or the back roads.

I like regular roads.

Suburban roads.

But yeah, I don't really get into this pop country.

I don't know. this pop country stuff, I don't know.

Do you guys like this pop country stuff?

I don't really get into all that stuff.

It was Luke Bryan and Zach Bryan and Bryan Zach

and Zach Luke and Luke Zach, and Brian, I don't know.

Pop country? I don't know.

I don't get into pop country. - Morgan Wallen.

Morgan. Yeah.

Morgan Wallen and Wallen Morgan and all these.

I don't know. I can't keep all these names straight.

I don't know.

I just don't get in this pop c...

You know, my stuff was always more roots,

kind of roots, sort of Americana kind of roots.

Sort of a gloom and doom kind of folky,

sort of roots kind of thing, you know,

more in that sort of Smithsonian Folkways

sort of meets Lomax Phillip,

the Lomax Recordings kind of Delta.

More newgrass than bluegrass, but definitely old time.

Definitely in that old time jam sort of feel.

"O Brother, Where Art Thou?" soundtrack

kind of by way of "Cold Mountain" soundtrack.

Sort of Civil War ballads kind of sound.

You know what I'm talking about? More roots.

Americana kind of roots sort of thing.

I don't know, this pop country stuff. I don't know.

I just don't, I can't get into this pop country.

You know what I'm talking about?

You know, these guys...

♪ Do a little shot ♪

♪ Tequila shot, vodka shot, gin shot, White Zinfandel shot ♪

♪ Pino Grigio shot, Grassy Sancerre shot ♪

♪ Pet Nat shot ♪

♪ Do a little bump, say a little prayer ♪

♪ Smoke a little rock, do a little crack ♪

♪ Tie off a little band ♪

♪ Shoot a little ♪

♪ Snort a little horse, smoke a little rock ♪

♪ Do a little dance ♪

♪ Suck a little deck ♪

I don't know.

Do you guys, I don't get in this pop country,

pop country stuff.

I know it's not the funniest part of the show.

Maybe it's a little, eh, self-indulgent,

but it's a piece of my life I like to share with audiences.

I was talking to my mentor, Jimmy Webb, about it,

and I was like, Jimmy,

why am I not getting any traction in this industry?

And he's like, "Well, you know, the industry,

you know, you're not quite what the industry's looking for.

You know, your stuff is, honestly, it's more roots,

kind of roots rock,

more in that Americana kind of roots sort of sound,

more gloom and doom, kind of folky,

kind of Civil War ballads,

kind of folky, dirt in the ground kind of sound, you know?"

He was like, "You know, if you meet the industry 15%,

they'll meet you the other 75."

And I knew that if I was able to do that,

that I would have, not necessarily a hit,

but like something, you know, something to show for my time.

And I had a lot of fun.

I had a lot of fun writing music

before my whole television career got off.

And I know it's not the funniest part of the show.

Maybe it's a little self-indulgent,

but it's a piece of my life

and I like to share with audiences.

I did have one commercial success.

It was actually a commercial.

It was a commercial jingle

for a business there in Nashville.

And it was really,

really important development in my career.

I got to do a little bit of my thing,

which is more

kind of like roots sort of Americana kind of sound.

And it was a little bit for them, which was exciting.

And they wanted me to do my thing.

And I got like airplay on country radio in the middle...

By the way, was anybody in the middle Tennessee area

around 1998, '99, might have heard this?

- Yee-haw. - But this is awesome.

So, this is really exciting.

why don't I just sing it for you guys now?

If I sing it for you guys now,

then we are like all aware of what I'm talking about

and I'll just sing it for you guys now.

So, this is a jingle for business there in Tennessee.

A little bit of my thing,

a little bit what the industry was looking for.

♪ Oh, woman ♪

♪ When I'm dead and gone ♪

♪ Oh, woman, when I'm in my grave ♪

♪ Oh, woman ♪

♪ When I'm dead and gone ♪

♪ Please, woman, won't you eat Cheesy Gordita Crunch for me ♪

That's our show.

Zach, get up here.

Guys, that's James Austin Johnson.

Thank you guys all for hanging out and watching.

We are here every Wednesday around 9:30.

We'll see you next week. Bye.

When we started together in LA,

he used to say stuff like,

"When I make it,

it'll be my mission to make sure that you don't."

I guess in this new hour

and the old hour, I wrote all the,

all just all like the hard set up punchline stuff.

He doesn't have a lot of time,

so he kind of farms those out to his friends.

I think that's cool.

I guess I have written some of the riff stuff.

We write the riff parts ahead of time.

♪ You probably think that you are better now, better now ♪

♪ You only say that 'cause I'm not around ♪

And a lot of the voices are mine.

He did buy those for me.

I used to do those voices.

I just got bored with those and I needed the money.

So, I got really into Pai Gow for a second.

You ever play Pai Gow?

And now, for my most famous impression,

what comes up when you Google me?

James Austin Johnson wife.

James Austin Johnson nose.

James Austin Johnson Christian.

James Austin Johnson wife.

James Austin Johnson Trump.

James Austin Johnson Bob Dylan.

We did it, gang.

We did it. Y'all did it.

I have talked about Bob Dylan enough in my comedy

so that now I am forever associated

with the greatest singer-songwriter of all time.

Yeah.

Greatest singer-songwriter of all time.

One of those words is incorrect.

I love Bob Dylan's vocals, but can we call it singing?

Is it singing?

Or is it something else? Something even better?

Something even better than singing.

Is it doing this kind of thing?

I don't think I've ever heard anybody sing that way.

I've gone back and I've listened to some

of the Bob Dylan protest music and it is the vaguest shit.

I love Bob Dylan,

but he wasn't being very politically prescriptive.

It's almost like he doesn't understand

how anything works in the government.

Dude, turn up the Bob Dylan protest song.

Oh, this one's really good.

♪ And all you politicians doing whatever it is you do ♪

♪ I hope you write a law for me with y'all golden quill ♪

♪ And the leaves blew lightly through the church ♪

♪ Let all the politicians ride their horses into DC ♪

♪ They go up there ♪

♪ And they write a bunch of sins up on the wall ♪

That doesn't happen, but I love you, Bob.

He sang at the March on Washington.

I think that's pretty cool.

But I just don't think

that Bob's legacy is like as a political guy.

You know what I mean?

I think Bob Dylan, what Bob Dylan gave us

is skinny little creepy, little White guy acoustic rock.

That's Bob Dylan's legacy.

There is a direct line

from Bob singing at the March on Washington

all the way to Jack Johnson going...

♪ Shaka-luka-leyla, meka-bale, la, bakis ♪

Yes, I would love to do the "Curious George" soundtrack.

Bob would've done it in his position.

The next time you are at a Peet's Coffee

and you hear Jason Mraz scatting on the PA,

♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do ♪

that's Bob Dylan's fault.

We said that music can be when a creepy little White guy

is a creepy little bird man who can kinda sing.

We said that was sexy.

That's what Bob Dylan broke wide open.

Creepy little, dirty little poppers are sexy now.

Nasty, nasty, filthy little bird men

get to be sexy now.

Oh, but it's not about,

it's not about how beautifully you sing.

It's about if you believe what you're singing.

You know, there's a great Otis Redding quote about Bob Dylan

where he said, "White boy sounds like shit,"

and I've never forgotten that.

And Otis didn't have to say that.

Otis didn't have to say that.

I do think he was sexy at one point.

I mean, I love "Love Minus Zero/No Limit".

That's a sexy song.

♪ My love she speaks like silence ♪

♪ Without ideals or violence ♪

♪ She doesn't have to say she's faithful ♪

♪ Yet she's true, like ice or fire ♪

Beautiful.

I think it's a beautiful song.

I heard him sing it a month ago.

Yes, Bob Dylan in his 80s is touring.

And you know what?

I like it,

but some of the people in the audience didn't like it.

They are used to musicians who have taken care

of their instrument with the utmost dedication.

And Bob Dylan, you know what?

Bob Dylan is not Josh Groban, okay?

So, just get over that

Sometimes growing up as a rockstar

doesn't mean getting to bed on time

and drinking enough water.

Sometimes being a legacy act like Bob Dylan

means eating hot sandwiches late at night,

screaming through your nose at the top of your lungs

in dry arenas every single night since 1978,

blasting rails with Kris Kristofferson,

painting your face bone white.

And you know what?

If you just stick with that plan

and you do that every night for 50 years,

what do you think's gonna happen to your voice?

It's gonna sound awesome.

I think Bob Dylan sounds awesome

because you know what's awesome?

Vampires.

Hissing beetles.

Cool shit. Snakes!

Bob Dylan sings like a snake!

I saw him sing the exact same song

and he really does straight up sound like a French vampire

who just woke up from an extended nap

in an oven on self-clean for about 500 years.

I love the sound of his vocal tone now.

♪ My love she speaks like silence ♪

♪ Without ideals or violence ♪

♪ She doesn't have to say she's faithful ♪

♪ Yet she's true, like ice or fire ♪

♪ People carry roses ♪

♪ And make promises by the hours ♪

Lightning shouting out of his fingertips.

♪ My love she laughs like the flowers ♪

Bob sings like he's trying to kill Harry Potter.

And one of these days, he's gonna get him.

One of these days,

he's gonna get that little lightning birthmark

son of a bitch.

Harry Potter, I'm gonna kick your ass.

I'll go on down to that Ministry of Magic

and kick over Harry Potter's ass.

Where are you right now?

You turned your location off. That's some freaky

I don't even remember what you look like.

And by the way, when I did remember,

you should get LASIK, okay?

If you even still,

if you still even have money to pay for it

after all your fricking little figurines

and that you buy.

That's the only type of you know about is nerd

How did you meet your wife?

How'd I meet my wife?

It was, let's see.

I was at Home Depot

and just looking for tail.

People just don't get him.

He's a lady killer.

King of a super studs.

And God, he's a super stud, lady killer pimp.

Loser bitch, loser bitch,

bitch loser, loser bitch.

- Thank you, Blair. - Okay, you guys,

thank you so much.

Have a good day.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- See you. - Bye.

- Bye. - This call

is no longer being recorded.

All right. Awesome.

A lot of good stuff in there. - Hell yeah.

♪ But my quiet nights will be spent long ♪

Ah. Where my dogs at, huh?

Where the fricking fellas at?

I know that it's, you know, we're in Mig's company.

And I get it, we've made a lot of great strides,

but real quick, where's my dudes at right now, huh?

That feels good.

Feels a little too good.

Ugh, men need therapy.

What if that's the therapy?

What if the therapy is we all get together

in a big warehouse somewhere, Brooklyn, maybe,

stripped to the waist, just start barking at each other.

Ladies, this first joke is just for the fellas.

So, sit this one out. All right?

Can the guys have one thing?

Except every executive position

at any company since the beginning of currency.

Where my dogs at?

There are more guys in here than that.

CAA gave me a binder. They said I skew male.

And I want that represented on this next one.

Where are my dogs at?

Cool.

Fellas, you ever out walking around on a hot, sticky day

and you're so far from your home,

but you have to use the bathroom.

And no, not the fun one where you get to stand up.

And you're so far from home.

You're at a farmer's market or something.

So far away.

Why did we come here?

I know it doesn't just happen to me.

Doesn't feel good.

Hopefully you're in a nice neighborhood,

somewhere with a dependable, clean single staller.

You're not always able to know

that you're gonna have the little toilet condom,

the little horseshoe,

where you whip it out

and then the little tongue sort welcomes you.

Right this way, sir.

Still are sparkling.

Right here, right by the window where you always like it.

You don't always get that.

Sometimes you're in a real piece of

nasty, ugly, disgusting bathroom

and you've got to rip out 17 individual strips of paper

and then lay them out like you work at a casino.

Oh, here comes the river.

This is the real insult.

Then, you got to do the "Dune" sandwalking dance,

as you scooch up, try not to trick the spirit of the flusher

from sucking all your hard work down the hill.

Feel good about what you did, think you can sit down,

but then you remember that it was a hot day.

That water's just a little bit higher

than you thought it was gonna be.

Your balls are just a little bit lower

than you thought they were gonna be.

You just kissed the top of that water.

You just kissed the top of that water.

It shocks you. You drop your pipe.

Your meth goes everywhere.

Is it just me?

One more time, huh, brother?

It's no secret that the show

is different every single night on the tour.

What you think I'm doing on penis day, oh boy?

Give it up. Ba!

Pow.

When you have an infinite supply of material to pull from.

What you think I'm doing on penis day, oh boy?

Give it up. Ba!

What you think I'm doing on penis day, oh boy? Give it up.

What you think I'm doing on penis day, oh boy?

Give it up. Ba!

On penis day, oh boy.

Give it up. Ba!

I'm doing on penis day, oh boy? Give it up.

Give it up. Ba, ba.

It's what Bob Dylan does on the Never Ending Tour

and it's what James Austin Johnson does

on whatever you'd call this.

Whatever the hell this is.

The crowds are just silent

until the penis material comes out.

We can all relate to having a penis

or we all know somebody who has a penis.

I don't know who Bob Dillman is.

I like doing impressions of Louis CK.

I been a big fan of Louis for most of my life.

Not so much as comedy's behavior towards women,

but some of the comedy's good,

but this is my Louis CK.

I have two daughters.

I have two daughters.

This is Louis CK with 50 cents in his pocket.

I have two quarters.

It's and and and it's

This is Bluey CK.

I have two dog daughters.

Okay.

I gotta do some real

Get out of here.

Okay, this character's called Dumb Coroner.

All right, here we go.

Let's see if you guys like this.

Yeah.

Yeah, this bitch died of, um, uh, um, uh.

I don't remember.

Ex-expiciation.

Dumb Coroner.

I don't know if anyone

besides Billy Bob Thornton

lives up to the term mother

the way that Brian Cox does.

He is Logan Roy from "Succession".

This manipulative, conniving tycoon guy

makes his kids do all these demeaning, awful things.

He's also in real life is also the voice of McDonald's.

So, I just though it'd be fun

if Brian Cox was doing a McDonald's ad

and he just like forgot

what character he's supposed to be playing.

Cool off this summer by coming into McDonald's

and getting a 3.99 McFlurry.

And then, lick it up from the floor

like a doggy prick.

I said, get down on all fours

and lick it up like a little piggy.

On the floor!

♪ Ba-da-ba-ba-ba ♪

Go yourself.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. That's fun.

Can you open that for me real quick?

Still holding my microphone.

Come on, dog. Come on.

Bark it up. Bark it up for my dog right now.

Thank you, sir. Thank you so much.

Hell yeah, brother.

He'll yeah.

Thank you.

I like when you're typing hell yeah in your phone

and it auto-corrects it to he'll yeah.

Makes me feel like my phone's one of my boys.

You know what I'm talking about?

See you at "Weapons" later?

"He'll yeah.

I wanna know what the secret is in the movie "Weapons".

I want to know what the thing is."

Who's at a James Austin Johnson show?

A disconcerting amount of boomers. Okay.

Or are there any hot chicks there? Sure.

Are they all married

to the ugliest men you've ever seen in your life?

Yes.

So, who are these people?

What's your favorite Dead song?

My favorite Dead song?

I'm not super into the Grateful Dead.

You know which one I like?

It was that one where Jerry was just kinda noodling.

That one where he's just like...

♪ Be, de, bo, doop, ba-bo ♪

♪ Cu-dep, bep, bo, doop, doop, dep, ba-doop, bo, doo, doo ♪

Yeah.

It's probably my favorite Dead song.

The one where Jerry was going off.

I'm having a lot of fun.

Ringtone please.

What's that?

Ringtone.

Ringtone? Oh, Bob Dylan's cell phone on vibrate?

I'm getting a request from an audience member, guys.

And I really wanna give him what he paid for.

Real quick.

So, Bob Dylan, he goes into a meeting,

puts his phone on vibrate.

What does that sound like? Here we go.

Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh,

heh, heh, heh, heh.

Freedom.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Most of the country is very psyched

about new shows dropping on Paramount Plus.

Billy Bob Thornton's got one

on Paramount Plus right now called "Landman".

Hey, hey, listen, dude,

you're gonna have to move this helicopter.

You can't park this chopper here

because Texas Senate just passed a HB21683,

says that you can't park a chopper

within half a mile of a

The rough, and my, and I,

because I don't have time for this guy.

I gotta go deal with my liberal daughters being sexual.

My daughter's being sexual right now.

What the

The DEA is crawling up my ass

and you're crawling down my in my mouth.

♪ Whoa ♪

I think that's really what gets me the most hyped

is the trailers,

because in the trailers, you're like,

this show's gotta be so good.

Every two seconds,

there's a cool White guy

looking at a lot of land real grumpy.

Aggressive Christian rock kicks in.

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Ah ♪

This is like, it's a genre of music

that is only in trailers for shows for dudes.

This very aggressive style of Christian rock

where the singer is always telling you

all that mean Jesus is about to do to you.

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Jesus going ahead on your wife tonight ♪

♪ Jesus gonna turn you into a snake ♪

Hey, what the hell, dude?

He's, there's no, I, I got, yeah,

I got a big problem with you

and I got an even bigger problem with this guy

because if you guys don't move this truck,

I don't know if you heard

that the Texas Senate just passed HB2186183,

says you can't park a truck in my driveway.

Now, you better get the out here

because I gotta go talk to Jon Hamm.

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Jesus ♪

Did you guys hear

that Paul Giamatti's getting one of these shows?

Character actor Paul Giamatti

from "Sideways" and "The Holdovers".

Yeah.

He's got a Taylor Sheridan show coming down the pipe.

It's true.

♪ Whoa ♪

Ah, I was going to ask you to move your truck,

but Catherine Keener's character's not texting me back.

♪ Whoa ♪

End of bit.

♪ Whoa ♪

Oh, I just checked your Instagram

and you added another date?

Wow, that's great.

I have nobody to fix the Fisher-Price kitchen!

The kids are screaming at me.

My vibrator broke.

You know, when was the last time I got reeled?

I don't know. I'm an absentee

The children, the children are always around me.

I never get to get away from the children.

What am I keeping abs and a tight ass for?

I don't even think a huge hog

is gonna make up for your personality

and the fact that you barely even exist.

I feel like that bird over there.

Kinda alone

and, you know,

next to the lake,

thinking.

And not necessarily an artist,

but just looks like a really thoughtful bird.

♪ Oh, woman ♪

♪ When I'm dead and gone ♪

♪ Oh, woman, when I'm in my grave ♪

♪ Oh, woman ♪

♪ When I'm dead and gone ♪

♪ Please, woman, won't you eat Cheesy Gordita Crunch for me ♪

Y'all ever think about like if...

Y'all ever, like, think of...

Let me see if anybody else

has this kind of, thinks about this kind of thing.

Y'all ever think about if the president

is gonna start talking about you specifically?

People are going to start bothering you

at your home and

Y'all ever think about that kind of thing?

The president might start piping up

about who you are specifically and what you do specifically?

That'd be crazy.

If James gets targeted unnecessarily,

I'm just gonna be chill.

you know, that might be necessary for us business-wise.

You know, if you found out

that he was on some kind of list or something,

it's the kind of thing

you could make a show poster out of.

God, that's dark.

One, two-

- I will miss him. - Ba.

Like that emotion that I'm feeling,

there is money to be made from that in other people,

if that makes sense.

Like missing someone,

then you like buy that's like,

oh, I'm signing up for the new Crackle.

I hope nothing happens to me,

but I'm looking

at the different places that I can move into.

And I think that the medium

with the most of a future is FM radio, I think.

Like if I'm just looking at what's growing,

it's got to be FM radio.

I just keep heart rates down.

Coming up next.

Staying in The Police, "Every Breath You Take".

Stay with us.

Adult-oriented rock radio DJ,

would be a pretty good path for me.

I think it would be fun.

I think I can queue up the same Stevie Wonder song over

and over for the rest of my life.

Every day, 2:35, not even one

of the good Stevie Wonder songs, you know?

That's what those guys' job is.

My favorite like adult contemporary station

that I listen to

when I'm driving around in my truck in Nashville,

they keep playing seriously at like 3:15,

the same Stevie Wonder song over and over.

It's that one where he's like...

♪ That girl thinks that she's so bad ♪

It's like, Stevie Wonder,

why do you care if a girl is pretty?

You're married.

You made a promise, asshole.

Pervert.

Stevie wonder's an asshole.

Stevie wonders an asshole.

Can't do it?

I think my favorite thing that radio DJs do

is that quiet desperation in their voice

where they try to sell you on an event

that they're setting up a little tent at.

Always trying to get you to come out

to the worst block party you've ever heard of.

If you're looking for something fun

to do on the Labor Day weekend,

why don't you bring the family down

to the Hotel Mouse Parade?

Come see us at the WPNA tent

at the Hotel Mouse Parade.

I'll be there with Sandy, with Candy, with Dennis.

Come around about 4:30 AM. We'll be there.

We'll be giving away dethong sandals.

These are sandals where the thongs

have been kind of taken out,

so they just flap around on the bottom of your feet

like a fish that's been recently taken from it.

So, it's the Hotel Mouse Parade.

I'm gonna be there with Sandy, with Candy, with Dennis.

We're gonna be setting up a little tent there.

Why don't you come and visit us at the WPNA tent?

At the Hotel Mouse Parade, Hotels.

You find the

you get to stay for free at Hotels.

I love the

You know, I found the

the last two times I stayed there.

The first time I stayed there, I did not find it.

And my clothes smelled like that

for a couple weeks afterward,

but it's always been a great experience

to go to a Hotel.

And is this, by the way,

this is the Hotel Mouse Parade.

It's the only mouse parade for 500 miles.

We're gonna see these mice marching a little line

to some of the music of John Philip Sousa.

That's gonna be a lot of fun.

So, come on down to the Hotel Mouse Parade

and join us at 3:00 PM

for the 40 over 40 green juice chug-off.

This is 40 men in tight white tank tops,

tight tighty whities, 40 men over 40.

We're gonna be chugging warm green juice

on a hot black top when the sunset at Zenith.

So, come down and cheer them on

with special guest celebrity judges,

Sean Spicer and KT Tunstall.

That's gonna be a lot of fun.

I am really, really excited to see that.

That is gonna be a great, great time.

Coming up next,

"Black Horse and Cherry Tree", KT Tunstall.

Stay with it.

♪ Woo-hoo ♪

I'm James. That's the end of my show.

Thank you so much.

James Austin Johnson, good night. Thank you.

My huge dick is a blessing and a curse.

A blessing because I have a huge penis.

People seem to like that.

And a curse because it's haunted.

It's literally a curse.

Somebody told me recently that I look like a picture

of a grandfather from when he was young.

What the hell does that mean?

I have no clue what that means specifically.

I'm a genius.

I'm a genius, genius artist.

I have two daughters. I have two daughters.

First joke, subways, it's...

♪ Oh, woman ♪

♪ When I'm dead and gone ♪

♪ Oh, woman, when I'm in my grave ♪

♪ Oh, woman ♪

♪ When I'm dead and gone ♪

♪ Please, woman, won't you eat Cheesy Gordita Crunch for me ♪

I've been eating owls.