Original subtitles

Now, just try to relax, old fellow.

Nothing to worry about.

Open wide.

Ah, yes.

You haven't been to see me for some time, have you?

Wider, please.

Ah.

Cavity.

Cavity.

Cavity.

Out.

Tell me, how's the family?

This patient has a retained root in the lower right mandibular region.

You, Michaels.

True or false?

True,

sir. What do we do?

Elevate the periosteum and remove the outer plate of bone, sir.

Correct.

This lady is down as a case of Paget's disease.

After extraction, she should rinse immediately with a warm mouthwash.

You, Dexter, true or false?

False, sir. She should have no hot drinks, food or alcohol until the

injection wears off?

Correct.

Oh, sorry.

This is an impacted wisdom.

The molar next to it will have to be removed before extraction.

Cookson, true or false? I was just wondering myself, sir.

For heaven's sake, hold her head still. It's not so easy, is it? What are you

grinning at? You brought her in. You have a go.

All right.

There you are. Easiest thing in the world. One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six. Nice, wristy action, Dexter.

Splendid.

You know, gentlemen, I know there's a simple reason why dental students should

be plucking a pheasant, but I seem to have forgotten it. Well, sir, my father

sent it to me from Scotland, and we were just getting it ready for supper, sir.

I see.

Gentlemen, remember why you're here.

You haven't forgotten the anesthetics. Oh, we didn't need one, sir. It was dead

when it arrived.

The anesthetist hasn't turned up yet, sir.

And while you were waiting, you thought you'd pluck a pheasant.

Interesting train of thought.

I suppose it didn't occur to you that you could perhaps have done a little

revision of anesthetics?

Oh, yes, sir. We've been hard at it all afternoon, sir.

Hemoglobin levels and techniques in case of anesthetic collapse.

Dispersion failure, sir, and all that stuff.

Let's just see how hard you have been at it.

Now, I am under an anaesthetic.

Suddenly my respiration stops, gone, finished.

What happens next?

Well, we'd all send flowers, sir.

Mr. Cookson, I am a patient, a trusting patient, who has allowed you to give me

an anaesthetic.

Suddenly my heart stops beating. What do you do about it?

Well, there's only one thing to do, sir. I'd get the old Langton-Hewer needle,

sir, and I'd give you the old one-two with it, sir.

At least you've got the name of the needle right. Where exactly would you

give me this old one-two with it?

Where exactly?

Well, between the ribs. Fourth space on the right, sir.

You're slightly out. It's the fourth on the left.

I'm sorry, sir. I'm right-handed, sir.

But I'll get the hang of it, sir. I promise. Yes, you'll either get the hang

of it or hang for it.

Dexter, in an emergency such as this, how much adrenaline would you prescribe?

Oh, 80 minim, sir.

Who do you want to kill, me or the population of London? Oh, you...

Gentlemen, I have some bad news for you.

In two days' time, you will have your first contact with the public, doing

local anaesthetic extractions.

Two days, sir? But that's not fair.

No, it is not fair.

But thank heavens the public don't know about it yet, or the emigration figures

would double themselves overnight.

You have two days in which to make up your minds...

Whether you're going to be rotten dentists or pheasant pluckers.

What thing's right, you know? If the public knew what was going to happen to

them, they'd stone the Minister of Health. I'm going upstairs to do some

swatting. And you should do some too. If you don't pass your exams here, you know

what happens to you? What? They make you a lecturer. Yes, Mr. Lecturer.

I'll take the women's classes.

You do?

Oh, I'm one of the new students and I was wondering if I could have some

personal tuition.

Oh, I should think so, wouldn't you, Dexter?

Oh, yes, yes, definitely, sir. Yes, yes, definitely.

Yes, we give personal tuition in wrestling with awkward patients. After

hours. Yes, we're always after hours.

And then I teach necking. Cuddling. And if you have trouble with your

toothpaste, I teach you how to squeeze.

Is that all?

Lift, David.

Excuse me, I'm also the lift man.

Going up. Third floor, dentures, scaling, gumboils. Have you ever had

gumboils on the third floor? It's very, very unpleasant.

Shut up.

May I?

Sure.

Which floor, sir?

Fourth, please.

Dean's office.

Carpetings, dressings down, riot acts and suspensions.

If you would accompany me there, Mr Crookson.

Yes, sir. Of course, sir.

Oh, let our friend off first, will you?

How's work, Mr Dexter?

Oh, coming along, sir.

Yes, thank you. Coming along.

Judging by your progress, it'll be a long time arriving, won't it?

Well, tell us the worst.

Stripped of your medals, degraded cashier. I know this will come as a

great shock, but I'm still with you. He's just been on the mat with Dr

Jekyll. There's a comparative anatomy test tomorrow. You know that flower he

wears in his lapel? Well, we think he should wear it in his hat because his

brain's died years ago.

My name's David Cookson, by the way.

Oh, and this is Miss Travers. Hello.

Hello. I hope the dean wasn't too rough on you. Oh, no, he was perfectly

charming.

As usual.

As usual?

He's the most cantankerous, sarcastic, cunning.

He's also Miss Travers' uncle.

Yes, he's also Miss... He's the most cantankerous, sarcastic, cunning.

But look, when I said that, I... You were understating.

Forget it.

Oh, well, fancy the dean being your uncle.

And now you've got to follow in his footsteps and be a dentist too. Yes,

except I keep failing my finals. Your finals?

But this is your first term.

In this college, yes.

You mean you've been in other dental colleges?

In and out.

That's why I've been sent here, so that my... The dean could keep an eye on me.

Seven o'clock? Oh, I'm gone.

Thanks for the coffee. You're welcome.

What do you mean, you're welcome? I paid for the coffee.

Four pence.

Anyway, I saw her first.

Didn't I?

Sam, I don't like it. What do you mean you don't like it? All you've got to do

is to sit here with your engine running.

How long are you going to be?

How long am I going to be? Please, I'm pulling a job, not buying a newspaper.

Switch your lights off.

I can't park here without lights. It's illegal.

Oh, come on.

Sometimes you get on my wit, you really do. Give me the plan.

Here. So.

What's this here?

Cigarette cases here?

Yes. Gold cabinet there.

Hey, what's this, your case of canterberries?

Candelabras. You're crossing your Ds now, are you?

Now, look, this door is to the strong room, see? Yeah, right. Do you mind?

I know this plan like the back of me hand. I'm just refreshing. Have a look

at that, will you?

Right, now, three paces forward, two paces right, five paces forward, one

right, two left, right?

Left? Yeah. Oh. Yes, that's right. Give me the paper with the treacle on.

Yeah.

Three paces forward.

One, two, three.

Three paces forward, two paces right.

You must have been walking like a Japanese geisha girl.

Oh, I did have a tight skirt on.

Well, that's charming, isn't it? In that case, as an artist, I should have worn a

tight skirt too.

There's no finesse anymore.

Three paces forward, two paces right.

Straight into the labby with all the cooking clocks going off.

Well, it's all over now. And don't forget, you promised me this was your

last job. You know what was in your stars?

Yeah, I know what was in the stars.

From now on, it's me as a wage earner. Pay as you earn, insurance stamps and a

telly. Oh, Sam, how lovely.

Well, come on, let's see what you've got.

Eh?

Open up.

Oh, no.

Keep her steady.

What's this stuff?

Looks like tooth pullers.

It is.

It's dentist junk.

You must have gone through the fire escape and done the shop next door.

I've done the shop next door.

I'll be the laughing stock of the underworld.

How am I going to flog this junk?

Sell them to a dentist.

One dentist?

We'll need a load of dentists.

Morning. Good morning.

Tell me, how do I get at the students?

Get at them?

Oh, no, no, no. What I mean is, of course, they have to pop off somewhere,

don't they? Somewhere. I mean, to eat or something somewhere.

Or the bank.

Yes, well, of course, I've got instruments in here. No rubbish, of

course. All very good stuff. All travellers and representatives on Friday

evening, if you don't mind. Yes, well, that's what I mean. Of course, today is

Tuesday. I beg your pardon? Granted, yes. Well, of course, I'm like you,

messing up the dates, you know. None of which is Tuesday, which is Friday.

You think I am a calendar?

I'm sorry, sir, but all travellers... And representatives on a Friday evening,

of course. Well, I'm not arguing about that. As a matter of fact, I've got an

appointment. May I ask who with?

You may certainly, yes. Who with?

You'll never guess.

Go on, try a few names. Increase your word power. Excuse me, has Mr Dexter

gone out? I haven't seen Mr Cookson. Mr Cookson? Well, well, well, my dear sir,

I've got everything here as promised.

That's wonderful. Do I know you? Do you know me?

Does he know me? A great little joke on this boy. This way, sir.

Right.

Here we are, guv.

I've got some brand new instruments here going at massacre prices.

Instruments? No, thank you. I'm afraid you picked the wrong person.

What? Do you mean to say you're not a student?

Yes, yes, I am, but I can't afford to get my own instruments out of port. What

are you talking about?

Have I asked the price? How can you can't afford what I haven't even asked?

Look, you come back at the end of the term and I'll probably be able to sell

you mine. Excuse me, Brian, I thought you'd gone out. They've swung another

orthodontic lecture on us. Oh, when?

Now. Come on, we'll be late.

Perhaps your friend might be interested.

In what? You can't afford them either. Wait a minute. Here we are. I've got a

hundred quid with them in here, sir. I've told your friend Mr Cookson all

about it. They're brand new. You wouldn't believe what I'm asking for

them, sir. I can hardly believe it meself. Well, what are they, nylons?

Nylons? Do us a favour. They're tooth tools. Tooth tools? Look, we'll be late.

Come back in a couple of years. Where did you find him? Never mind about him.

Sorry. Who's taking off the don't fix? Barrett. Oh, Barrett, I'm safe.

Chapters 7, 8, 11 and 12.

Someday he'll quote from someone else's book and then you've had it. No author

ever quotes from somebody else's book, mate.

I've got over 100 quid to appear. All I'm asking is 30 quid. Look, old man,

you're fast becoming a pest.

Hey, hey.

How much? All right then, 25.

25 quid?

Well, I can't take a penny less than 20. Look, I'll show you.

Open up, open up.

He's got the lot, articulators, drill chucks, shears. What's the catch?

Catch? Police.

Where did you get this lot?

Well, it's like this, you see. All this stuff here is bankrupt stock.

Well, me and my partner made a good deal, and we want you students to have a

good deal.

Upstairs? Upstairs.

Upstairs? No funny business.

Funny business?

Police.

Oh, Mike, sign us in, will you? I'm getting to know your signature.

Can't take any cheques. That's all right. We can't sign any. I need hard

cash. We're practically brothers.

Now, the thing is, how late can you come back tonight?

Come back? What have I got to come back for? 20 quid. Well, I shall go. Now,

look, mister, what's your name? Well, it's not mugging.

You didn't really expect to walk into a dental hospital and find a student with

20 quid, did you? The only thing we can do is to put a notice on the board and

have a sale.

Well, 10% of everything you make over the top. After we take a set each.

Come back at 7 o'clock. No, no, no. I'm not coming back at 7. I'm coming back at

6. 7.

6.30.

7.15. 6.45.

8. 7.

7.

That's not right.

I want my bunch examined.

All right, quiet, everybody. Attention, please. It's the forceps show.

A funny thing happened to me on my way to the... Now, you're going to wonder

how we can sell you these brand-new instruments at such giveaway prices.

You knocked them off.

That's a typical Klotz attitude towards big business. If you must know, we were

smart enough to buy up some bankrupt stock.

And as me and my partner made a good deal, you make a good deal too. Now,

let's not leave the ladies out of this. Speak up, my lovelies.

Miss Travers, is there anything you're short of?

Mostly money.

Well, we can't let such a sordid thing interfere with our relationship.

You name the instruments and we'll quote you a price.

Well, I need a rubber damp pudge, a 79 gingival margin trimmer, a pair of

surgical scissors, a matrix retainer, a Huntswater syringe and a mouth mirror.

You do?

Mm-hmm, and if you think I could afford that lot, thanks for the compliment.

Well, you might be surprised to know we could let you have that little lot for

£3.76, exactly half the list price.

You could?

Not only could, but would. To give the lady her surgery.

And that gives you some idea of the cutthroat productions we're bringing

into your lucky lives, boys and gals.

David, can I pay you later?

You can pay me any time you like. You're an angel.

Now, come along now, boys and girls. We've got everything here. We've got

forceps, chisels, probes, scalers, drills, all the fun of the fair.

Hello, Lucy. Can I have a cheese sandwich, please?

Lucy, you've got clothiers. Dear lady wants a cheese sandwich.

What's the matter with our Lucy now?

She's off again.

Lucy.

Wakey, wakey.

Oh, come on, you soppy date. Who's it this time?

Mr. Dexter.

Have you got chip syringes? Buy one of those or get two and have your ears

pierced. Poor soul, she's sex mayor. Can't do a thing with her when she's

like this.

Want a cup of tea, miss?

No, I'd like a cup of coffee, please.

Lucy, go in the kitchen and warm up that instant coffee.

Oh, go on, dear. There's a good girl. Look, a glass of milk will be fine. Oh,

yes, better for you.

They say it's good for the teeth, don't they?

I don't know.

Ever since I've been working here, I've been soaking mine in it every night, but

it doesn't seem to have done much good.

All right, what have you smashed now?

I'll take a kidney pudding.

I'll have to go.

Take me half an hour to pick the china out of that pudding.

Well, they're a fussy lot here, you know.

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

What for?

Receiving stolen property is just as bad as stealing it. Look, I'm not quite with

you. In fact, I haven't... Have you seen this?

Oh, you mean... Oh, no, this is bankrupt stock.

I hope.

You don't think... Help.

There you are, my dear.

With the compliments of the management, one pair of college tweezers for the

eyebrows. They're sold.

Sold? Yes.

Miss Travis has bought the whole lot.

A lot? Isn't that wonderful?

Marvellous. Yes, isn't it wonderful?

Come on, let's get out of here. Sales over, everybody.

Have you got... No, no, sold out. Bankruptcy.

Hurry for it. You'd think the police were after us. They probably are.

I must terribly be sorry, sir. It was my fault.

That's all right, Dexter. It's lucky I wasn't a patient with a fractured

mandible. Indeed, mine is not.

From your sense of urgency, I take it that none of you are proceeding to work?

Yes, sir. I mean, no, sir.

Think of my doing.

Yes, sir.

What are you getting so worked up about? Read that. Thieves raid surgical store.

Dental instruments stolen.

Well, what's that got to do with us?

Plenty. We'll talk about it upstairs.

Talk about what?

You and the old Bailey, I should think.

Me and the old Bailey?

No. Yes.

I still can't think how you could have fallen for such a thin story as bankrupt

stock. Well, you believed it at the auction.

Well, that was different.

Well,

I needed a new set. I didn't have time to get mine out of pawn. Well, the judge

won't accept that as an excuse.

I know.

Let's go and tell the whole story to the dean.

Oh, no. What?

Not on your life.

I'd sooner be a cat in a violin factory.

What are we going to do? Wait till your friend shows up? If he does?

Excuse me. Mr.

Dexter is expecting you, sir. Third floor, room 13.

Well, thank you, my man.

Here you go.

Eds. You lose.

Supposing he doesn't come? Then he can't be sent up.

No, but we can be sent down.

Who is it?

It's me, Davey boy.

Your partner.

Well, well, well.

How much do we make?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Never mind wait a minute. We've been waiting seven

hours for you. Oh, you told me seven o'clock. Let's talk about what you told

us. Is this or is this not bankrupt stock?

Oh, so you haven't managed to sell it all. I'm still not taking a penny less.

Answer my question.

Yeah, uh, what was it?

Can you read?

Please. What been old steer secondary do?

Thieves raid surgical store.

Dental instrument stolen.

Well, not that. The whole thing isn't the headline enough. What we want to

know is, were you one of these thieves?

Are you accusing me, Sammy Fields, of being one of a bunch of thieves that

raided a dental store?

Well, we're not accusing. We're asking, were you?

Certainly not.

Mr. Fields, we apologize.

So I should hope, madam.

Me, one of a bunch of thieves.

I work entirely on my own.

You work entirely on your own. Then this is loot. Please.

Loot. I always think that's such a common word.

But you said it was bankrupt stock.

I know, but some people are finickety.

Finnickety? Do you realise what you've done? You've made us accessories after

the crime.

You worry too much. Now, come on, hand over the money. We'll say no more about

it. We're saying plenty more about it, and you're not leaving here until you

leave with that case.

What, half empty?

No, full.

Yes. You burgle those instruments so you can re-burgle them and take them back to

the shop.

Well, no, I can't do that.

Because I've... I've taken a vow.

Well, we're not interested in your spiritual life.

No, no, I mean it.

I swore that this would be my last job.

Yes, well, it's not going to be ours, too.

Now, listen to me. We've got to get those instruments back from the

students. Where's that list?

The money?

You do the girls and I'll do the boys. Lucky boys.

Here we are.

Go on. Oh, come on. Give it to me.

Right.

Here, pony a piece.

Thanks. Come on.

Why don't you stick your nose in your ear and blow your brains out?

Now, listen.

Ethel would blow my brains out if I went back on me word and did another job.

Ethel? Who's Ethel? Oh, she's my partner, you know.

Well, not an active partner, more of a sort of sleeping partner.

Do you mind?

This is quite sordid enough without you adding to it.

No, no, don't mean that. I mean, she drives a car, you know. She hangs around

outside with her engine running.

Must be quite a sight.

Now, listen, she's a good girl, Ethel.

It was all in the news of the world, you see.

I don't want to hear about your shenanigans with Ethel.

No, not that.

I mean, the horoscope.

Here we are.

Here it is.

That's me, Aries the Ram.

Poor Ethel.

Says here, this week you should start thinking about your retirement and go

after the really big job.

And that's why I've done it, see.

Well, why didn't you have done something bigger than dental instruments?

That was a mistake.

I thought I was doing a silversmith's next door. And out of 6,542 dental

students in London, you had to pick me.

Who's that?

Flannelfoot.

Flannelfoot's here.

Who's he?

Well, nothing.

There weren't many of them in, and those that were wouldn't part up.

I said the firm wanted their stock back because they weren't bankrupt anymore.

They just laughed at me.

You were lucky to get a laugh out of them with that. How are we going to buy

back £100 worth of instruments?

Sam's going to cough up. Me?

Do me a favour.

If I had £100, I'd be a millionaire.

Well, then first thing tomorrow morning, I'll go out and sell your motorcycle.

My motorcycle?

Yes, then whilst you sign me at lectures, I'll go and buy as many

instruments as I can. Oh, don't argue.

Come on, where's yours?

Mine? Well, those you took from stock. Look, I'm sacrificing mine.

How am I supposed to go to dental classes without any instruments? Well,

you've managed up till now. Anyway, you won't need them first thing. It's

comparative anatomy.

I've been sterilizing them.

Let me in.

Three shillings for that, that's all. Oh, and these are mine that I bought and

didn't pay for.

Good night. And I should keep him here until this operation is complete.

Keep me here?

Good night.

What about Ethel?

Well, she'll just have to wait at home with her engine running.

Honestly, none of this would ever have happened if she hadn't been wearing a

tight skirt.

All right, come on, Bet. We've got a full day ahead, and you're sleeping

right here on the floor. On the floor?

This is worse than prison.

And if you happen to wake up in the middle of the night, just remember one

thing. What's that?

He isn't Ethel. Do you mind?

Do you mind?

Where are you going?

to lay out a lady.

Good luck to you, Mike.

Mike?

Before we start comparative anatomy, I'd like to speak to you on the subject of

students signing in.

Starting from today, all students will answer to their names, as well as

signing in.

This has become necessary...

Because of the liberties many of you have been taking in the past.

Very well, then. Let us start.

Pontefract? Yes, sir.

Michaels? Yes, sir. Travers?

Yes, sir.

Cookson?

Cookson? Yes, sir.

Bickerdike? Yes, sir.

Cookson?

Cookson? I'm still here.

Why did you sign twice?

When are you, Cookson?

Coming, sir.

I'm sorry, sir. I was locked in the washroom, sir, and I couldn't hear you.

It's funny.

We could hear you, Mr Cookson.

Sir? You've answered twice already.

Oh, yes, sir.

Jolly good, sir.

This just goes to illustrate what a complete farce you students have made of

this attendance book.

If we turn back a few pages, we even find that these lectures have on several

occasions been attended by such people as Julius Caesar, Liberace, Jane

Mansfield, and Jack the Ripper.

I won't attempt to call the rest of the roll, but starting from tomorrow, all

non-attendants will be reported to the dean.

Nobody is forcing you to become dentists, but if you don't want to,

there are lots waiting to take your places.

Now,

anatomy.

Cookston. Here, sir.

What's your name?

Sam. He's a new student, sir. Sam. Yes, John Sam.

John Sam.

I see.

We'll come back to you, Sam.

What can you tell me about this?

Uh, it's a jawbone, sir.

Brilliant. What jawbone?

Uh, um...

It's a female one, sir. Yes, but of what kind?

Beautiful one, sir.

Miss Trevors, I take it you know.

Oh, I do?

Oh, yes.

Yes. Yes, of course I do.

Well? Well, it's a moose jaw.

It is a moose jaw.

Servity group.

Like the common cow, it has no teeth at the front of the upper jaw.

Just like Efo's mother.

I beg your pardon?

Common cow.

No teeth at the front.

That's what I said.

I'm agreeing.

Well, it's nice to know we agree on severity.

Now, the comparative anatomy of metatheria and polyprotodontia.

What do you know about that?

All teeth in the metatheria group are adapted for vegetable food. Animals such

as the wombat, the phalange... I wasn't asking you, Cookson.

Oh.

And what about the polyprotodontist? Teeth adapted to animal food containing

certain... I was asking him.

Oh. Oh, sorry, sir.

The polyprotodontist group includes opossums, Tasmanian devils and

bandicoats. Oh, bandicoats. Their teeth formation runs to a pattern.

Why is she like that now? What has the female got on the upper half that the

male hasn't?

Are you kidding?

No. I am not kidding.

In fact, I am so angry that I shall put in a report to the dean about you.

Now, just remember, although it sounds like it, the bandicoot is not a bird.

Oh, yes, it is.

It's related to the oozlem bird. It flies around in ever-diminishing

circles, finally disappearing...

The oozlem bird.

Well, he started it, the bandicoot.

Never mind that. The point is, Watling's written that report by now and you're

the only one that can pick the lock on his desk. Have you memorised that plan

of the museum? No, and I am not going to.

I've promised Ethel I'll go straight in the future.

If the dean sees that report, you'll go straight in the fertiliser. Yes, and us

with you. Now learn it. As soon as it's dark, you're going back to the museum

and you're going to nick that report out of Watling's desk before the dean ever

gets a chance to see it.

And why can't one of you do it? Because I'm much too... Shh!

Because I'm much too worried trying to replace those instruments and David will

be busy embalming someone.

Who? You.

If you don't do as you're told, don't point that at people.

Don't tell me how to handle one of these.

This is the first time I've really felt at home.

All right.

Six paces forward, turn left.

You only got £40 for my bicycle? Yes, I made a down payment on eight sets of

instruments on high purchase.

I left them in the porter's box. I thought it was safer than our room.

You're dead right.

That still leaves us 60 quid short.

We go again.

Six paces forward.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Turn left.

Fourteen paces forward.

Blast it. Should have been eight paces forward. Then two are worse than Ethel.

Let's try again.

Turn left.

Ten paces forward.

One. Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Natural jaw formation. That's good. To the right.

One.

Natural lead case that makes two of us.

The

National

Elf certainly made a mess of you, mate.

I'll go quietly, officer.

And you can stop laughing for a start.

Oh,

there's the desk.

That's it.

That's the one.

First time I've ever picked a lock with a peri-a-dumple-o.

Nothing's going right today.

Can't beat the old-fashioned jimmy.

This mess.

Mustn't find me like this.

Where'd they go?

There it is.

What? The old two for nothing but the two.

Oh.

It's you, is it, Mr Sam?

I thought I heard something.

And what brings you to the dental museum at this hour?

This jaw.

It's quite a problem, and I was trying to get to the roots of it. You appear to

have succeeded.

Yes, well, I thought I'd just brush up on me lessons a bit.

And which lesson are you brushing up on there?

This one.

Well... You see, sir, the problem is, sir...

What's been puzzling me is the position of the Amsteds.

Amsteds? The Amstedeef. Teef. In the human caggle. In the north and south.

Mouth. Mouth.

That's right. I always forget that word myself.

Very commendable.

But you should have come to me if you wanted extracurricular tutelage.

Well, if ever I want anything like that, sir, there's other places I can go to.

Well, you certainly look as if you need it.

Well, I'm worried, sir.

You see...

I can't concentrate on my work, sir, knowing about that report you wrote to

the dean being in a desk.

Oh, so that was it.

I see.

Well, it isn't in the desk.

It's here.

Would you like to hear the substance of my report to the dean?

Oh, yes, well, very well, sir.

Lecturer's report.

Eighteenth instant.

Dear sir, the student John Sam...

appears to me to be the epitome of all that is retrogressive and reprehensible.

He is vacuous, indolent, disputatious and completely illiterate.

He is, in your own splendid phrase, sir, a perfect coagulation of the plasma.

And I thought you didn't like me.

What does it mean, sir, a coagulation of the plasma?

A clot.

This report will be with the Dean first thing in the morning

First thing in the morning

Mr. Crooks. What are you doing?

Well, I was just tidying up.

Well, really.

No, let me.

Can

I

take your stack as well, Miss Brent? Oh, but I've already got them. Make one neat

pile. There's no need, really.

That's the way.

Yes, yes. Stop, stop.

Miss Brent, the games room is on the second floor.

You, Mr Cookson, I thought you were only interested in my niece. What is this, a

rehearsal? Well, I... No, get up.

Sir, I was just trying to help Miss Brent pick up her mail.

She's been trying to pick up one of those for 15 years.

Oh, look, Cookson, I'm not so old that I can't remember not having tried to cut

myself off a slice.

I mean, any port in a storm when you're a student, but on our own doorstep.

Are you sure this embalming work isn't beginning to get you down?

That's it, sir. It is getting me down, sir. I have been feeling a trifle dizzy,

sir. In fact, if you'll excuse me, sir, I'd rather like to lie down.

Where are you going with that mail? Mail?

Oh, I saw a fly, sir. A fly. I'll have it.

Yes, sir.

Oh,

for heaven's sake, tell me what the trouble is.

Trouble, sir? Yes, nobody comes to visit me socially.

Social, please, sir.

Social, sir.

Social? Yes, sir.

I was just saying how I agree with what you said yesterday, sir. Oh, do you?

Well, I said so much yesterday. Yes, sir, you always do.

You always say so much that is wise.

For instance, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, sir.

I've never understood, sir, why that didn't rhyme.

No, well, I... Cook, sir. Yes, sir?

What are you talking about?

Oh, well, sir, a social, sir.

Why don't we hold a social, sir? Oh, hold a social? Yes, sir, for the

students.

Would you see Detective Inspector Richardson?

Who? Detective Inspector Richardson. He says it's rather urgent.

Oh, well, you'd better show him in. And come in yourself too, Miss Brent. Very

good. Well, our little social is over for the moment, Cookson. Yes.

The police are here.

So I heard.

I hope you haven't been embalming anybody too soon.

Oh, my tooth.

Don't be silly, Cookson.

Detective Inspector Richardson.

Oh.

Sorry to trouble you, sir. Oh, not at all, Inspector, not at all.

Regarding my television licence, I was meaning to go out and get one this

morning, but... I'm afraid it's more serious than that, sir.

Oh, my car radio, yes.

Unfortunately, I have to pop over yesterday to see my late cousin in

second bussing.

My second cousin in... Yes, well, that's all, Cookson.

Sir?

Well, go along, Cookson.

Come straight to the point, sir.

Oh, will you?

Last night, a quantity of dental instruments were stolen from Brigmore

Street.

You have reason to believe the thief may have brought them here.

Here? You mean to say you want to search my office?

By here, I mean this hospital, sir.

Oh, oh, extremely doubtful, I think, Inspector. The only instruments here are

in use either by the surgeons, the students, or have been brought in by

bona fide travellers.

That may well be so, sir.

But a black MG motor car was spotted near the scene of the crime and the

number's taken.

That self-same car has been found abandoned near your ambulance bay.

Mr Cookson!

Oh, I was just trying to get Radio Luxembourg.

I think you'd better get back to your business, Mr Cookson.

Yes.

See this report goes through to the Dean right away, will you please, Miss Penn?

Yes, yes.

We've had our chips. Had our chips? He's upstairs with the

dean now. Who is? An inspector defector. Who what?

An inspector... The police.

They found your car outside.

Oh, towing away for parking.

Towing away for fingerprints.

Fingerprints? They spotted his car number in Brigmore Street. Both of them.

No. Cool.

Rematch, Ethel.

She might have turned all the lights on again after I'd turned them off. We

should have put your lights out altogether.

If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't have had to go chasing after that report.

Did you get it?

A lot of good that's going to do us.

Well, what do we do now?

Tell them the whole story and hand it over. Well, with 60 pounds worth short,

we'd still be accessories.

So it's... What's going to happen to me?

I can think of a lot of things that should happen to you, mate. Yes, but not

till we've replaced those instruments.

Ethel. Has Ethel got 60 pounds?

Only round the hips.

Where's Peggy? In the reading room. Wait till she hears the police have arrived.

Yeah, she'll want to go to the dean and tell him the whole story.

What's more, I think she'll be right.

What are you going to do now?

Talk her out of it.

Do you mind if I sit next to you?

Why not?

If you don't get those instruments back, you're not going to have much feminine

company for the next 12 months. Shh!

Not so loud. Do you want to see me go to prison?

What's the matter with you?

Nothing. Where were you till four o'clock last night? What?

You were out. You were out with somebody, weren't you? Somebody?

Yes, I was out with somebody.

Showing her the rudiments of dental hygiene, no doubt.

No, I was embalming her.

Embalming her?

Well, it's the first time I've ever heard it called that.

It's the first time I've called him that.

Oh, I'm glad you smiled. I've got something to tell you.

What's the trouble now?

Well, um, there's some people here. The police? You know, I knew... I know

you're going to want to go and tell the dean about it. No, it's gone far off.

Just another 24 hours. Not a minute more.

It's been 24 hours.

Listen, no trouble there. Well, we've got trouble here. Sam thinks they'll

search the building.

Search it? Once the cops are in, you can't get them out. You're like

woodworm. How are we going to hide the instruments from this Inspector

Richardson? Inspector who?

Richardson, I told you. He's up with the Dean.

Oh, crikey. Do you know him? Know him? We've been handcuffed to get a show off,

and people are beginning to think we're married.

Oh, that's all we need.

Then we must disguise him.

How can we change his face?

Let's tread on it. Oh,

wait a minute.

Leave it to your Uncle Dave.

Hello, Pontefract!

I see. Who is it?

I wear those all the time.

If you see him coming, walk the other way. And if you can't walk the other

way, blow your nose. Blow my nose?

Well, I can't even see me hand.

Wait a minute. If the police are here, it's madness to leave those instruments

I bought with the porter.

Oh, I'll go and get them. Don't let him out of your sight.

It's like looking through a bottle of beer bottles, is it?

And ladies, zero minus one.

Synchronize your watches.

Well, now, before you hurl yourselves on the shattering bodies of your victims,

there are one or two final things that I would like to say to you.

Today, of course, you start your patient handling technique. I hope you're with

me, Cookson.

Remember that your client, although...

Outwardly, very composed, is inwardly a seething mass of nervousness,

a nervousness which you must seek to calm by the sheer force of your

personality, your nervousness as well as his.

Further remember that when your client diagnoses his own aches and

pains, this is the one place where he is almost invariably wrong.

Later on, when you get your own private practices, you may decide the patient is

invariably right, in case he should place his fee elsewhere.

But here you will go by what is on each card which each patient hands you.

Lastly, something which I am never tired of repeating.

Dress yourself.

Do not make assignments with patients of either sex.

In fact, no sex at all.

Well, I think that's all.

I have much pleasure now in declaring the surgery well and truly open.

Open the floodgates, have mercy on their jaws.

Good luck, everyone.

What do you do now?

Just keep quiet and do as I tell you.

I never taught us how to take out tusks.

Broken lower molar.

Here. Have you ever ended broken teeth before?

Oh, yes, I've broken hundreds.

Just a joke, sir. Just a joke. All right, but it's... Yes, just open your

mouth, please. Open your mouth.

But it's... Open.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Sit down here, would you?

And what can we do for you, sir?

Well, whatever it is, be careful.

I am a haemophiliac. Don't worry, Mike. In a couple of years, it'll all be

legal.

The patient said he's a haemophiliac. That means he suffers from post

-extraction haemorrhage.

That's right.

I'm a bleeder. None of us is perfect.

Get the clotting gauze and the styptic fluid.

And put your glasses on.

Let's have a look at this, shall we? Now, do be careful.

My trouble's all in my uppers.

My bottom set's fine.

Have you got those things?

Yep.

What's this?

It's a 32-piece dinner set. I want that and that.

Would you

like

to open up? Now, remember, I bleed easy.

Yes, quite so. Now, open wide.

Not quite that wide. I'm not going to stand inside.

That's it.

Yes,

that's the one, isn't it?

I'm afraid that's going to have to come out.

I'm having the gas, aren't I?

No, no, there's no need for that.

I can't take the cocaine, you know. Oh, no.

No, this isn't cocaine.

This is, uh, analgesic xylocaine.

It's absolutely wonderful. You won't feel a thing. You just close your eyes

and the tooth will be gone in a flash.

Sorry, I didn't take any others with me.

I hope they're all as easy as that.

Card, please.

Thank you.

The lot out?

Who filled in this card?

I did.

Lucy, there's nothing wrong with your teeth.

I know, but I want them out. Why?

Then I can show my friends my gums.

And when they say, Lucy, where's your teeth?

I can say, gone.

And that lovely Mr.

Dexter did it.

Examine me. Now, be a good girl, Lucy, and run back to the kitchen and warm the

pot.

Are you sure you've got a broken tooth?

Open wide,

sir.

Is this right?

Well, just let me... May I?

Excuse me. What are you... Well, I'm just... It's the card I'm after.

Oh, silly.

Thank you so much. Silly. Yes, all right.

Yes.

How long has it been swollen like that?

We come up all of a sudden in the loon dread.

Let's have a look at it, shall we?

Yes.

All right.

May I just... Oh, sorry.

Yes, we'll just give that the old heave-ho, and you'll be fine.

Yeah, oh, what?

Oh, you're not going to remove it?

Just a painless extraction.

Oh, no, no, please. I couldn't have it out, honestly.

Couldn't you think of something else?

Because I can't have it out.

I think I'd rather have a baby.

Well, make up your mind before I tilt the chair.

Yes.

Well, all right.

Thank you.

You're not frightened of my giving you a little injection, are you?

No.

I'm glad one of us isn't.

Beautiful.

Oh, splendid.

Well, I will just leave it for a little while, shall we?

We'll find all the instruments here.

What's

going on here,

then, Michaels?

Nothing, really, sir, except the patient's got a broken tooth to come

out, and we can't find it, sir. What?

Must be in there somewhere.

Just open him up, please.

Oh, look, please don't breathe on the mirror.

No broken tooth in there, are you sure?

I keep on trying to tell them. I was wrestling at Wimbledon last night.

Wimbledon? And me opponent got a bit nasty.

And it's his tooth.

It's in me leg.

It's all yours, Michael.

Now you get it out.

Well, if a man is going to have a tooth out of his leg, you seem pretty

cheerful. You can't hurt me.

I'm only thinking of my opponent.

He's gone and bought one of them stereophonic gramophones.

And I've got his ear hole in me pocket.

It was wonderful. I didn't feel a thing.

And I was so scared, too.

Well, that's very kind of you. Oh, that's all right.

Now, just take a couple of these when the injection wears off and you'll find

the swelling will start to go down. Oh, will it? Yes, that's good.

Oh, excuse me, madam. Yes?

Oh, I see.

You've been so kind.

I'd like you to accept... It's only a little something. Nothing very much,

really. Oh, we're not allowed to accept money, but thank you very much. Oh, I

see.

You?

Thank you very kindly. It's all right.

Oh, I felt every yank of that.

At least it's one satisfied customer.

There's a stamp of card.

This isn't her card.

The one you've been working from.

You nit.

You gave me the wrong one. This is the bleeder's card.

Shh. So?

So I've just pulled out a totally innocent tooth. Oh, no.

Look out.

Cops.

In the chair. In the chair.

Oh, wait a minute. I'd rather go to jail than this. Oh, look, I'd do anything.

All right, mate. You be careful. Shut up and open your mouth. Oh, just a moment,

Cookson.

We'll remove the patient's glasses first.

Then we... Now, come, come, come.

Come on, don't get flustered.

Inject. Yes, I'm just taking it slowly, sir, because the patient's nervous.

Easy.

Thank you, sir.

Don't worry, my dear fellow.

There's nothing to worry about.

I can assure you with these new syringes you won't feel a thing.

What did I tell you?

Well, I'll tell you something for nothing.

I think you've got a diabolical impudence to stand there grumbling when

it was you who got us into this ghastly nightmare.

Did I come here asking to play dentist?

Now, you know perfectly well I had to do that. You were about to be recognised.

Well, I'll never be recognised again.

Look at me, like a squirrel stocked up for a long winter.

Well, you don't have to worry about your next winter.

As soon as we've got that case full again, you're going to take it to

Inspector Richardson and you're going to say it's a fair cop.

or whatever you people saying, you're going to hand the lot back.

The sooner the better.

I've had my belly full of bandicoots and oozlems. And what's more, I feel I've

lost my essential dignity.

Well, you can blow your essential dignity.

Your face will go down again.

It'll go down all right.

By tomorrow night, me chin will be down on me navel.

Who is it?

Who is it?

Got another £40 worth. Put £13 down as the first payment.

How does that leave us?

£20 and we're home and dry.

£20? And there's only one way of getting it. What are you looking at me for? No,

not you, Ethel.

Ethel's going to get us that £20, even if she has to go out at night and work

for it.

How dare you?

No, in a coffee bar. She can make that in tips alone if she's a good girl.

You're not going to be a good girl. Well, in that case, she'll make even

more. Now, listen to me. First thing tomorrow morning, I'll go round and see

Ethel and we'll straighten out this mess that you men have made. What's her

address?

Well, come on, give us the address. Take it easy, David. Take it easy. Do you

realize any minute now the police are going to come knocking at that door?

Mr. Cookson, who is it?

Be right away, please, sir.

Are you all right, Mr. Cookson?

Yes, he's all right, thank you.

Get his head between his knees.

I don't want my head between my knees. What happened?

You said, oh, I'm fighting.

The porter, did he say what I thought he said? Yes, he did.

Now is your chance. Please go and see the dean and tell him the whole story.

Would you lay out my best blue suit, please?

Why? I want to look as smart as possible in the dock.

Thank you.

Peggy, what happened? Did you find her? Find her? Soho Street is so full of

police, I think they're having a ball of their own. Well, that means we've had

it. Look over there.

Who? Who?

Hello Ethel.

Oh hi Mr Richardson.

Come to have your teeth fixed?

Yes that's right.

Just looked over you know every six months.

Yes it's usually six months isn't it?

Yes well it's nice to have seen you.

You're going to have a long wait Ethel. The surgery doesn't open till three.

Oh yes yes that's right. I came early to to buy some tickets for the dance.

Oh and might I ask who your partner's gonna be?

There are times when coppers ought to stick their noses in their own business.

Okay, thank you.

Only one?

Thank you.

Ticket? Aye. Ticket.

Oh, yes, all right. I'll have one.

Five shillings, please.

Here,

do you know Mr. Cookson?

Mr... Yes, I do.

Well, actually, I'm looking for the gentleman who's staying with him.

Mr. Sam?

Yes, that's right.

You're Ethel.

You're Ethel!

Yes, that's right. Why, that's wonderful.

Oh, Mike, would you take over for me? I'd take over anything for you. Thanks.

That girl being here means one of two things.

Either Sam Fields or the stuff's in this building.

There's a man at Ebbetson.

Do you very much mind?

What do you want? Why don't we think this before?

We can phone Ethel.

You stay where you are. What's her phone number?

Soho, 6673.

Got any pennies?

When do you need pennies? I told a guy on the exchange you got the wrong

number.

Excuse me?

It means we've really had it.

Hey, fellas, you haven't bought your lucky tickets for tonight.

You might win the big cake.

Wouldn't be much use to us without a file in it.

Pardon? Yes, we could do with one of those, too.

I don't believe it.

It's nothing like it on the instructions, is it?

I said I'd sort everything out, and I have.

How? I found Ethel.

Ethel? You mean you've talked to her? Yes, she came here to find Sam at

lunchtime. Oh, if she finds him, let me know. He's scarred, but I can't find him

anywhere. Oh, I know. We helped him go.

You what?

We had to. There were police on all the exits, so he got out onto the fire

escape and over the roof.

You let him... You must be mad.

Well, he said he had a way to fix everything.

He's fixed everything, all right. He's taken all the instruments.

Instruments? Yes, the instruments. I just went up to our bedroom and the

mattress is empty.

He's probably in Bournemouth with Ethel by now, whipping out gold fillings.

No, no.

Ethel's up in my room.

What? I kept her as a sort of hostage.

Oh, yes, I'd love... I'd love...

But I don't want to dance. I can't dance.

Oh,

that's the idea, Cookson.

I think that he suggested the whole thing as an excuse to dance with you.

Oh, no, sir, no, sir, I assure you. Don't give him any vital statistics.

He's an embalmer.

Very good, sir. Would you excuse us, please, sir? Of course. Thank you.

I don't understand.

And now I understand. And you did all this for us. I didn't do anything.

But what I didn't do, I did for you.

Oh, Peggy.

They're searching the rooms. The police, they were on the first floor as I came

down. Ethel.

They mustn't find Ethel. Ethel? What shall we do with her? Ethel?

Better bring her down here. Mix her up with the crowd. Right.

Ethel? Will you stop saying Ethel?

I'll get you.

Stop dancing with me.

Quiet, everyone, quiet.

If you'll all gather round, we'll draw for the prizes.

I think we'd better go up with Peggy. She may need help.

Well, if you tell me what's happening, I might know what we're doing.

And if some fellow would hold the drum, we'll pick the prettiest girl in the

room.

Thank you very much.

What's Ethel doing here? Why is she in Peggy's room? What's happening?

Which answer do you want first?

Sam, where have you been? Quiet, don't wait the date.

Who have you got there? In a surgery.

Come on, come on.

Now talk, and it better be good. Well, I've just got you both out of trouble.

That's the most terrifying statement I've ever heard. You're no longer 20

quid short.

No, we're a lot short. You swiped all the instruments out of our room, didn't

you? What? Yes.

Don't be silly.

I brought them all down and put them in here.

Well, what for?

Well, you can't trust the cops, you know.

They go sniffing around rooms and things.

Yes, that's exactly what they're doing now.

You trust your old Uncle Sam, mate.

He'll see you through.

Well, we will be through if the Dean finds out about this.

The Dean?

We'll never know.

You... You mean...

Yeah. There's enough dental instruments in there, mate, to make up all your

missing sets.

I'll tell you what you do.

You just give me a 50-minute start, then raise the alarm, and tell them that you

found that lot on a fire escape.

I'll tell you, mates, Sammy Fields is always one jump ahead of the Gestapo.

But wait a minute, where did you get these?

Well, you know they say that a flash of lightning never strikes twice in the

same place, don't you? Yeah. Well...

You're now looking at a flash of lightning. What did... You didn't go

back and break into the... Ah, safe as houses.

Yeah, it went like a dream. Of course, it's a bit tricky at first, you see,

because they boarded all the door up, you see.

So... Would you believe it?

This time I've... I've gone and done the silver shop.

So this is where you are.

Well, I've got news for you. Ethel came downstairs and won the 20-pound prize.

Oh, good old Ethel. 20 pounds, now we're in the clear. Yes, but she got arrested

doing it for us.

You're kidding.

I'm afraid not. They're all in the common room now.

I can't pin it on her.

She only sat in a car.

But where's he going?

Now he'll get arrested. You stay out of this.

Sorry, darling.

Is that the way you usually treat your patients?

No, I...

Listen, I want to get married. Yes, but what about Sam? Well, he's not my type.

Yes, I know, but I do want to get him arrested. I want to ask you a question.

What is it? Peggy, would you... David, there's only one thing to do now. Take

this lad in and make a full confession. Come on.

Now he tells us.

What do you think?

Do we have mixed jails in this country?

No, we're very backwards.

There they are.

Is this the stuff?

Yes, I'm afraid so. It's all here except 20 pounds worth.

Counted it, too, eh?

Nice work.

I'm very proud of you, Cookson. Oh, you are, sir? Yes.

And you, Dexter.

Man has confessed everything.

How much is everything?

Well, how they tackled him on the fire escape and brought him to book.

Although I must say I'm a little bit surprised.

No more than we are, sir. Because the fire escape happens to be in the women's

quarters.

Better not ask what you were doing there, huh?

That's very sporting of you, sir.

I wonder if it would be possible for us, sir, to see Sam, the accused, sir.

Yes, I think so. You're not proposing to slip him a hairpin and jelly ignite or

anything like that, are you? No, sir.

Thank you.

I've got to see my dentist.

Sam, I don't know what to say to you. Oh, I don't either. Thanks, Sam. Quick,

fellas, a tune. For they are jolly good fellows.

For they are jolly good fellows. For they are...

me, coppers.

It's nitrous oxide.

What's that?

Laughing gas.

I

demand

to know, who did this, Cookson?

I'm trying to suspend you.

Suspend? For three months.

Goodbye, sir.

Cool. You know, I've certainly become interested in the old, what do you call

it, the old orthodontics and all that since I've been here.

How long will you be away?

Oh, well, it'll be about six months, will it?

Attention, gals.

I think in six months I can deal with this lot.

Oh, crikey!