Original subtitles

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Ah, spring.

It wasn't here yet, but you could finally walk to school

without the fear that you'd freeze

and wake up 10 million years from now

in some futuroid laboratory, though I bet

the futuroids would be nicer.

Naturally, when the weather warms up,

teenage minds turn to sex.

Not that teenage minds ever really turn away from it.

Is that all you're eating?

No wonder you're so skinny.

Hi, Donna.

Donna is the only girl at Medora High

who actually has a crush on me.

Seriously, when I first saw you in Eng Lit,

I thought you had cancer.

I was gonna take up a collection.

But then your hair didn't fall out.

Well, yet.

That hairline's a time bomb.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I don't know what her strategy was.

Maybe by getting people to focus on her annoying personality

they wouldn't notice her looks.

Well, thanks, Donna.

There's Raja, so I better, uh--

Go then.

You make a cute couple.

Is my hairline OK?

Yes. Why?

No reason.

You're not eating.

I cannot.

Is this about her?

Who?

Who.

Sadika.

Sadika who?

How many Sadikas do we know?

Sadika "Sada-something-something."

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Sadika "Sada-something-something"

was a Muslim girl Raja met several

weeks ago and has not stopped denying

he's thinking about since.

Sadika Sadaqatmal is a nice young woman whom I wish well.

You wish her more than well.

You keep her picture under your mattress.

CLAIRE: Who's the old guy?

It's her grandfather.

No, because-- because he wanted to get a picture of her,

but he was trying to play it cool so he had to get a--

What are you doing?

What are you doing, Claire?

In Pakistan, we respect one another's

privacy, unless the government decides otherwise.

Why don't you just ask her out?

She was into you, too.

It is immaterial.

Muslims do not date until it is time to get married.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Which, if you ask me,

explains why some of their young guys are so crabby.

Yeah, but you said yourself that Muslims here

are more casual.

But I hope one day to return to Pakistan, provided,

of course, that your permissive culture

has not corrupted me so much I am turned away at the border.

Is that my pizza?

Yeah, I thought you were gonna stay love sick a little longer.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Raja wasn't listening to me,

but I still had one secret weapon.

So I talked to Dalwah Sadaqatmal today.

Do you remember Dalwah?

Of course.

How is she?

Mm, good. Real good.

What about Silvio?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Silvio was the Sadaqatmal's

German exchange student who didn't speak a word of English,

but that didn't bother Claire.

Silvio is fine.

And, uh, Sadika?

Oh, Sadika is wonderful.

She's doing really well in school.

Not seeing anyone, though.

And Dalwah is real concerned about it,

because there are hardly any Muslim boys in Wisconsin.

There's Raja.

There is Raja, isn't there?

I appreciate your interest in my romantic well-being,

but I can assure you the Sadaqatmals would never

allow me to court Sadika if I were so inclined,

which I am not.

Mm, that's fine, Raja.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I was smiling

because my mom only gives up when she knows she's won.

They said yes.

Who?

What-- what--

Well, your name naturally came up

once the conversation went that way,

and Dalwah said they're all for it if Sadika is.

And is she?

She can't wait.

Congratulations, son.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): And here is where Raja had

his first ever panic attack.

THEME SONG: What's so funny about peace,

love, and understanding?

Why can't we just drop them off?

You are my surrogate family, and the elder Sadaqatmals'

judgment of my suitability will flow

from their opinions of you.

Well that sucks.

It will be fine, although I do believe

I may be about to open up a Pandora's

box of emotional torture for no good reason.

Welcome to the wonderful world of dating.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Despite the pressure and formality,

the two teens actually managed to treat

the occasion like a regular first date,

just not the two who were on it.

The set up was definitely unique.

Sadika's family would ask questions to us,

and Raja would ask questions to them.

Has your family been living in Wisconsin for many generations?

It is interesting.

We know many people who would not allow their daughters

to date like this before they are married,

but Mr. Sadaqatmal and I are much

more liberal than our friends.

[laughter]

Oh, you're serious.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): At one point,

Raja and Sadika finally said something to each other.

Excuse me.

Oh, I--

I didn't--

Oh, I'm--

Um.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): The whole thing seemed like a disaster,

but apparently it wasn't, because a few nights

later at our house we did the same thing all over again.

And this time Raja and Sadika got it on.

Good samosi.

Oh, thank you.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Claire and Silvio's relationship

was moving even faster.

[speaking german].

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): When it hit a language barrier.

Um.

[german]

Hot!

Yeah!

Oh, me?

Du.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Fortunately you

don't have to know all that many words to date in high school.

Now, I know I was the one who wanted to get Raja and Sadika

together in the first place, but I didn't realize what

the repercussions would be.

Hey.

Hello, Raja.

I'm talking to you.

Sorry.

I was just texting Sadika's mother.

This is weird, man.

Justin, the road to Sadika's heart is through her.

OK, well you're not going to see her or her mother

till Friday, so how about we, like, go to a movie

or something this afternoon.

This afternoon I am helping her father clean and disinfect

a rental property. You could come to that.

Oh, no. That's OK.

I don't want to horn in on your lady.

Yeah Yeah.

Totally.

What's he saying?

I have no idea, but he sounds so smart.

No, no, no.

It was great fun.

I, too, enjoy pouring bleach over the entire bathroom floor.

I am speaking to Sadika's father.

He seems very impressed with me.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): But what I may have lost in friendship I

gained in humiliation.

[chuckling]

What?

Nothing, just--

[chuckling]

Even our celibate Muslim exchange student

got a girlfriend before Justin.

He hardly has a girlfriend.

If anything, he's dating a very old married couple.

Well, someone's a little jealous.

Gary, you're awful.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): As bad as I felt,

I still can't explain what I did next.

You draw so much.

I don't understand why you're not better.

Do you want to go out sometime?

I knew you were in love with me.

I'm taking a round of antibiotics.

I'll be done in a few days.

We'll go out then.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): While I waited for Donna to get off

her medication, Raja and Sadika had another date, which

was starting to lose its charm.

And my mother decided to do something about it.

Raja, I know it's our turn for your date night tonight,

but who feels like cooking?

So I called the Sadaqatmals, and we're all going to meet

at the Cheesecake Mill instead.

Do you know where that is?

Yes, but will we not all drive together?

No, because you got a dentist appointment

just before that's right there. - I do?

Yeah, it's your three month and two week checkup.

HOSTESS: Hello.

Good evening.

Uh, Tolchuck, Sadaqatmal, party of 17.

Right this way.

Am I the first?

Second.

Sadika, is your family not--

Oh, I'm supposed to meet them.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Somehow my mom

managed to separate Sadika from her family,

but that's why she's the best.

Is the food here good?

I-- I go to the one where I live.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Meanwhile, at the Cheesecake Mill

across town.

Oh, good.

You found it.

Yes, but where is Sadika?

Bye.

They went to the one in Rhinelander.

So we are alone?

For a while.

Sadika, I must apologize.

I suspect Mrs. Tolchuck has created this accident.

Oh, it's OK.

They'll be here in half an hour.

Mrs. Tolchuck is a crafty woman.

She may summon a tornado.

[laughter]

Should I perhaps go and-- and wait outside?

I do not want your mother to see us alone and be offended.

Are you kidding me? My mother loves you.

I do have a way with moms.

Yeah, I--

I've seen.

Here they attribute it to my foreign heritage,

but even in Pakistan they considered me, as you might

say, to be a do goody suck up.

[laughter]

You're funny.

You seem surprised.

Well, you take all this so seriously.

Islam?

Life.

Oh, you do, too.

I have seen the books you read.

That's because I'm bored, because I can't go out.

You would prefer to live as they do.

I don't know.

I-- you weren't born here.

I feel like I'm two things at once, but neither really.

It's like everything you want is right there,

and all your friends get to enjoy every one of them,

but not you.

You know that feeling the morning after the last day

of Ramadan when you wake up, and after a month

of daytime fasting, you can have anything you want?

Strawberry waffles.

That first bite--

Is a pleasure they cannot have.

But we do.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): My mom's scheme

was disrespectful of Raja, Sadika,

the Sadaqatmal family, and really the whole Muslim faith.

She also happens to be a conspiracy theorist.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): But she knows her stuff.

Raja and Sadika finally got to do

the one thing they never could on any of their other dates--

relax.

She tells everyone it is called a five bean soup

to ward off the recipe thieves.

Very sharp.

Your Aunt Ghazala, is she pretty, too?

Well, here in America there are different standards of--

no.

Not by any standards.

She is quite hideous, actually.

Raja!

The whole family says so.

To her face?

When they can look at it.

- You're horrible. - I am.

I am.

She all but raised me, and I love her dearly.

I-- I hope I get to meet her.

I hope so, too.

There he is.

I think we have our new desktop.

Yes, we do.

Hello.

FRANNY: Hi.

GARY: Hi.

FRANNY: Oh, you look beautiful.

I-- I m--

must ask you to refrain from doing that again,

unless one day we are married.

- Right. - Nonetheless, thank you.

Hey, kids.

Sorry we're late.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): While things were going well

with Raja and Sadika, I, for some reason,

continued to pursue things with Donna.

What was that?

My tongue.

I thought--

You thought?

That was your first tongue kiss?

No, I just thought you liked it.

Well, not when you barely even put it in.

Well, there's a lot of metal to work around.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I knew what she was doing--

make me feel inadequate so I wouldn't judge her,

but knowing didn't matter.

It still worked on me.

Lend me money for a Coldstone.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Like me, Claire

was having her own difficulty.

You talk into it, and it translates for you.

It really works.

Claire, did you pass gas?

Daddy!

[german]

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): He may not be miss manners,

but he knows his audience.

Well, I figured you two talk so much maybe

you'd like to hear what you're saying.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): It turns out, though,

that some things are better left to the imagination,

like Raja's Aunt Ghazala.

MACHINE: But sometimes I am on the bad team,

and the other team captures the flag.

This whole time you've been talking to me about "Halo 2."

[german].

MACHINE: No, "Halo 3."

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): To be fair, though, Claire

wasn't exactly a great conversationalist either.

MACHINE: [german] .

[german].

MACHINE: What is your point?

Whatever.

MACHINE: [german].

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): With the magic gone,

Claire and Silvio ended their relationship.

The next day Claire drowned her sorrows with one

small forkful of cheesecake.

OK, I'm over him.

[laughter]

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Meanwhile, I was starting

to wonder what was supposed to be so great about having

a girlfriend.

Everything she tells me I tell myself anyway.

Justin?

Claire.

We have to talk.

[knocking]

Justin.

You are not with your girlfriend?

No, she's, uh, seeing one of her shrinks.

Listen, there's something I have to tell you.

OK.

Claire was at the Cheesecake Mill,

and she thinks she saw Sadika there

holding hands with another guy.

She thinks?

Yeah, I mean she's pretty sure.

We do not all look alike, you know.

Well, hey, I'm not saying this to hurt you.

Really?

Because it seems to me that you are.

What?

I think that you are so envious that you would

invent a story just to hurt me.

Whoa.

Whoa, you just so left to the realm of reality

right now that you might be hitting Pluto.

Pluto is in reality.

OK, well you know what I meant.

Justin, I am sorry that your girlfriend is rude

and chews with her mouth open, but I am your friend,

and you should be happy for me.

Raja, it's not like that at all.

I believe that it is.

OK, well, talk to Claire.

You'll see.

I do not have to.

I will talk to Sadika.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): This is more of an aside,

but here's how not to get a ride when hitchhiking in Medora.

[honking]

USA!

USA!

Woo!

[music playing]

[doorbell]

Raja, we were not expecting you.

Hello, Mrs. Sadaqatmal, is Sadika here?

Raja?

Where you at the Cheesecake Mill today?

May I speak with Raja alone?

Sadika.

Please, mother.

I will be in the other room.

I am sorry to even ask you this,

but Claire thought she saw you there with someone today.

I was there with Matthew.

Matthew.

He has a name.

Raja, I like you.

I like you very much.

Holding hands with Matthew is a strange way of showing that.

Can't I get to know you and get to know Matthew while I

figure these things out?

Sadika.

Don't you want to meet other girls,

too, so that you can know that you're

making the right decision?

I have already changed so much.

The mere fact that I'm getting to know you without being

engaged or married--

this is not how it works where I come from, and to be frank,

I thought you shared the same values.

I'm sorry, Raja.

I'm a Muslim girl, but a western girl, too.

Please tell your family knowing them

has been my pleasure.

Raja, Sadika's father wants to know

if you can help him lay down some insulation in the attic.

Of course.

I really must learn to say no.

Oh, he's home now.

Yeah, I got to go, doll.

Bye.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Raja was devastated,

but one thing about my mom--

she cleans up her messes.

[music playing]

I am sorry for how I spoke to you about your girlfriend.

Oh, she's, uh--

she's not my girlfriend anymore.

We broke up.

How did she take it?

Well, uh, I have a fake Facebook page

now that says we're boyfriends.

Still, I was patronizing and pompous, and you were right.

Usually I'm the one apologizing to you right now.

I enjoy that more.

I never understood these games, but they

are quite useful for blocking out the world.

Yeah, plus you can take out all your aggression on whoever.

I'm thinking of Donna.

And I am thinking of Matthew.

Well, if you hold B and tap A, you can decapitate him.

Thank you.

Mm-hm.

THEME SONG: What's so funny about peace,

love, and understanding?

Oh, what's so funny about peace, love, and understanding?

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