Original subtitles

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Medora High--

in addition to having not one but two

graduates on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted

list, also offered a wide variety of very

popular extracurriculars.

There was the chess club.

They hate me!

They hate me!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Junior beekeepers.

BOY: Go deep! Go deep!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): The semaphore drill squad,

and probably least popular of all, SADD,

students against destructive decisions, which

explains why its president and only non

court ordered member was Raja.

Raja!

Hurry up.

Small Paul stepped off the curb and fell into a street sewer.

Justin, while I have grown to enjoy watching

Small Paul struggle with these predicaments,

today I'll have to pass.

You sure?

There could be rats down there.

I am afraid being the grim reaper

is more work than I realized.

Whilst I have been able to procure several buckets

of fake blood, I have not as yet been

successful in renting a coffin.

OK.

Good luck.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): No, Raja hadn't gone goth on me.

The SADD Club was preparing for its annual wasted life event.

Every year, the grim reaper chooses one student in school

to die in a mock car accident.

The idea was to draw attention to the dangers

of drinking and driving.

Look.

He died drinking and driving.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): The highlight

of the event is the student's funeral,

and kids actually really get into it.

I'm gonna miss him so much.

Hey, we still hooking up tonight?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): While Raja pondered matters of life

and death, Claire was also thinking about death,

or someone close to it.

Mrs. Lockard's retiring.

Mrs. Lockard?

I had her, too.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Mrs. Lockard was Medora's oldest teacher.

That picture is from my mom's yearbook.

She was Claire's favorite.

I know I've skipped a lot of classes this semester,

but my GPA really can't afford an F right now.

You are so pretty.

I'm going to give you an A.

Thank you.

Oh, gosh.

I loved her.

What a sweet woman.

I can't believe she's quitting.

I'm so sorry, baby girl.

Oh.

They're having a going away party for her on Friday.

Oh well tell you what, we'll go together.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Later that night, the grim reaper

went searching for his victim.

Hey, hitting the old "bookerinos," eh, Raj-meister?

Sweet.

Please forgive me, but I did not understand

one word of that sentence.

What are you doing?

Oh, I am studying yearbook photographs.

I am trying to decide which student to kill.

Where's my damn bottle opener.

Ah, here's my baby.

Yearbook photos, huh?

Little word of wisdom.

Don't have too many of these with your so-called buddies

the night before your senior portraits.

Good advice indeed.

I enjoy our little talks, Raja.

As do I.

THEME SONG: What's so funny about peace,

love, and understanding?

This is far more difficult than I anticipated, Justin.

Do I take the life of a young, innocent freshman?

Or perhaps that of a gifted senior

on the verge of a promising college career?

I don't know what you're getting all worked up about.

It's not like you really have a choice here.

What do you mean?

Am I not the grim reaper whose icy finger dooms all

that it casts its shadow upon?

Somebody's been reading those comic books, huh?

Some, yes.

Look, let me explain this to you, Raja.

Every year they do this mock funeral,

and it's always the most popular kid who gets it.

That would be Dan Archer.

But why?

Because he's popular.

Just the way it works.

But why would a popular student want

to be involved with my club?

To be quite honest, a surprising number of students

have told me that my club is quite lame.

It's like homecoming, you know?

Kids like us are in the homecoming committee.

Kids like Dan Archer are the homecoming king, so.

That does not sound fair to me.

Well, yeah, it's high school, Raja.

I mean, nothing is fair.

What's fair?

There's nothing fair about it.

Is it fair that the football players get to take

naps in the teacher's lounge?

No.

Is it fair that the school bus stops

for Claire and her friends to get coffee in the morning?

No.

That's just the way it is.

Popular kids get everything, and there's

nothing we can do about it.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): While Raja was learning how high school

really worked, my mom was at her friend

Lauren's bachelorette party, having

her own eye opening experience.

[cheering]

Holy mother of Pete.

What's with this G-string BS?

I want to see the goodies.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): By the way, that's my pediatrician.

Well, girl, this has been a hoot and a half,

I have to tell you, but I got a turkey defrosting,

and Gary's waiting up for me, so.

Oh, come on, Frannie.

You're not leaving now, are you?

I hear he does puppetry.

I really should go.

Wait, no one leaves without a goody bag.

Wait, wait, wait.

Here you go.

Lauren, that is so thoughtful.

Oh, goodness.

Is this a, uh--

Just a little toy for the bedroom.

Why do all the work yourself, right?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): President of the PTA.

Okeydoke. Bye bye, now.

So if you want to put it in simple terms, what the Monroe

Doctrine did was basically say to Britain thanks,

but no thanks.

We're all good over here.

Any questions?

Anyone?

Every 15 minutes a teenager is killed

in a drunk driving accident.

One such accident occurred today.

Another young life tragically snuffed out before its time.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Why Raja never joined

the drama club I'll never know.

Death has come to claim its prize.

Death has come for you.

I could have saved you a trip.

I'm about to die of boredom anyways.

I was not pointing at you, Dan Archer.

What?

RAJA: Death has come for you, Justin Tolchuk.

Hey.

Hello?

What the hell did you just do in there?

Was it too much?

I was trying to capture the essence of death?

I mean, did you not hear a thing I said last night?

But I thought you would be pleased.

You said yourself it was unfair.

Who do you think is going to stay after school

to go to my funeral?

I would come to your funeral, Justin,

even if it meant missing school.

Hey, it's the dead guy.

Cool.

Right on, bro.

Really?

You deserve to be just as dead as Dan Archer.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): This sentiment

was echoed throughout the day.

Turns out I wasn't the only one sick of the popular kids having

everything handed to them.

Dead guy, way to go.

Dude!

Dude!

Justin, everyone is talking about you.

Well, Raja was the one who picked me.

Yes, but people would not be responding if you were

not such a worthy candidate.

Who cares?

This is sending a message, man.

People are talking about you running for class treasurer.

I can see that.

You see, Justin, you should not have worried.

I think you are going to have the best funeral ever.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I couldn't believe it.

People were actually happy that I was dead.

This was the greatest day of my life.

That afternoon, Claire got her own surprise

as she went through mom's closet looking for a pair of shoes

to match the new tops she bought for Mrs.

Lockard's going away party.

What's this?

What's what, honey?

Oh, that.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): There are times when mothers have

no choice but to sit down and have

open frank conversations with their daughters

about very delicate subjects.

It's my new potato masher.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): This wasn't one of them.

Your what?

My new potato masher from Williams-Sonoma.

It's the latest one.

See, it's got three speeds.

Potato masher.

You're gonna stick with that.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Fine.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): It was amazing.

Every oddball, loser, and outsider in the school

was coming out of the woodwork to congratulate me--

even ass picker kid.

Raja's snub of the popular crowd had apparently struck a nerve.

The balance of power was turning.

I could feel it.

Tolchuk, Raja, in my office.

So what's going on?

We have a situation.

I don't like situations.

They're sticky and time consuming.

Hm? - I do not understand.

What is this about?

Tanner and Dan tell me that you chose Justin as the victim

for this year's drunk driving event.

Yes, and?

And you were supposed to pick Dan.

Everyone knows that.

Yeah, no one cares if a loser is the victim.

Hey.

What Dan and Tanner are trying to say

is that the death of someone like yourself,

while certainly tragic--

it just doesn't have the oomph as if someone like Dan

were to die.

We are trying to sell an idea here.

Don't drink and drive.

Now, what sends that message better?

A dead Justin or a dead Dan.

Be honest.

I know what would matter to me.

This is too late.

I picked Justin.

Justin is already dead.

What, you've never heard of miracles?

No, forget it, OK?

I'm the one who got killed.

It's my funeral.

What if it's you and Dan?

Popular kid, unpopular kid killed

together in a horrific crash.

It covers all the bases.

That could send a strong message.

Anyone could drink and drive.

No.

Raja, I would not even be in the same car with him.

OK, well how about I'm driving, and I hit you instead.

How about I'm driving, and I hit you on your moped.

I don't even drive a moped, you butt munch.

I'm a senior.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I wasn't about to give in.

I was sticking to my guns.

Back at home, mom was facing her own challenge.

Do you know what I would love for dinner tonight?

Hm?

Mashed potatoes.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): And mom was sticking to her guns, too.

Okey-doke.

Oh, what you got cooking?

Oh, just making some mashed potatoes with my new potato

masher from Williams-Sonoma.

You're insane.

You know that, don't you? - Hot diggity.

Love the mashed potatoes.

How about a little preview before dinner?

Oh, no, Gar.

I think it's going to spoil your appetite.

Scientifically impossible.

GARY: Mm, Fluffy.

Justin, what do you think of this?

What if I was in the car with you

when you got in your accident?

I wasn't wearing a seat belt, and I

got thrown through the windshield, and, uh--

Sorry, Dooley.

I got killed driving to a party by myself.

It's my back story.

Yeah, but you could've stopped to pick me up.

I was going to, but I was drunk, and I forgot.

But I called to remind you.

And my phone wasn't charged.

Crap.

Hey.

Justin, I was thinking about Mr. Matthews' suggestion,

and perhaps a joint funeral with you

and Dan Archer would be the best thing for--

What are you talking about?

We are striking a blow here for the little people.

Yes, Justin, but--

No buts about it, Raja.

I get killed alone, and that's that.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): And so at 3:00 p.m.

That afternoon, I, Justin Tolchuck,

in the prime of my life, was killed

in a single occupant car accident

as a result of drunk driving.

Not a bad turn out.

Check it out.

Dan Archer's dead, too.

Hey, upchuck.

Looks like you're not the only one who drinks and drives.

No, this isn't right.

I was dead first.

Oh, but I was dead so much better.

Well, I am not backing down.

Wake at the lake.

Tomorrow 3 o'clock.

Plenty of parking.

3 o'clock.

That's the same time as my funeral.

You should've taken me running over when you had the chance.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): It was my worst nightmare come true--

competing funerals with the most popular kid in school.

What was I going to do?

Hey, champ.

Hi.

Why the long face?

It's kind of hard to explain.

Well, I think I have something that may lift your spirits.

Yeah?

Well, I was down at the bank this morning,

and I ran into Fred Millstone.

He rents out speakers, audio equipment, that sort of thing.

He says he has a big job tomorrow--

some huge blow out down at the lake for Dan Archer.

He's agreed to hire you for the evening,

which means you are effectively at Dan Archer's party.

I kind of already have something to do.

Pity.

It sounds like it'd be a lot of fun.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): After talking to my dad,

I realized that Dan Archer meant business,

but so did I. I had tasted the good life, and I wanted more.

If Dan wanted a funeral war, that's

what I was gonna give him.

Flyer.

Flyer for you.

Flyer for you.

Justin, may I please talk to you.

Yeah, kind of busy right now, Raj.

Oh, sorry, here. Take a flyer.

Flyer.

Do you not see what you are doing?

The wasted life event is supposed

to be a sobering reminder about the real danger facing teens,

and you have turned it into a circus.

What, me?

If anyone's turned this into a circus, it's Dan Archer.

More flyers.

Oh, yep.

Justin, can you not work with Dan Archer

rather than fighting with him?

Uh, no.

Look, I'm doing this for the little people

who are sick and tired of getting

the short end of the stick.

I know that that seemed to be the case at one point,

but it now seems to be more about you.

Uh, yeah, can we talk about this in a couple of hours, OK?

I've got to be in a coffin in two hours.

Take a flyer.

Take a flyer.

What's that?

A potato masher.

You liked yours so much I got one as a retirement

gift for Mrs. Lockard.

Funny, I couldn't find mine at Williams-Sonoma.

I had to go somewhere else.

I think that's a lovely idea.

You do?

Because I'm gonna give it to her.

It'll be from the both of us.

Great.

I'll help you wrap it.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): At long last, this was it.

My final sendoff.

The big sleep.

Showtime.

How do I look?

Surprisingly lifelike.

So, how's the turnout?

Well, it is hard to judge exactly.

Well, come on.

Just give me, like, a ballpark figure.

Very well.

Two.

Counting you.

What?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I couldn't believe it.

After everything I had done, not a single kid

had shown up to my funeral.

Where were the emos, the geeks, the goths?

Where are the stoners?

They promised they'd come.

Dude, wasn't there something we were supposed to be at?

Dan got beer kegs.

It's a slaughter, dude.

Everyone's at the wake at the lake.

So now everybody will drive drunk

from a drunk driving funeral.

Oh, this is wonderful.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Raja might have had a point,

but I was too annoyed to listen.

I had died and no one cared.

Even my sister had more important things to do.

It is so good to see you Mrs. Lockard.

I hope you enjoy your retirement.

Oh, thank you dear.

Lovely to see you again.

Oh, bye, Mrs. Lockard.

Bye bye, dear.

Well, here it is--

the gift table.

I can see that, Claire.

I'm not blind.

I'm putting it down.

No reason not to.

That's it.

Anything you'd like to say before we go?

I hope she likes it.

I can't do this.

Thank god.

Oh.

My goodness.

What on Earth is it?

It's a potato masher.

Excuse me.

I saw a poster for the funeral at the bank.

You said spread the word.

I spread the word.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you.

What you kids are doing is really important.

I lost my son, Adam, in a drunk driving accident.

That was almost eight years ago now.

Still feels like yesterday.

Well, I'm really sorry.

Thank you.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): And I was.

I had completely lost sight of what

this was supposed to be about.

I knew what I had to do.

Will you guys come with me to Dan Archer's funeral?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): So we went to the wake at the lake

to serve as designated drivers.

It was the least I could do after screwing

things up so badly.

And as it turns out, being sober had its benefits.

THEME SONG: What's so funny about peace,

love, and understanding?

Oh.

What's so funny about peace, love, and understanding?

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