Original subtitles

[music playing]

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) Like people all over the world,

our family has always had little rituals that we look forward

to, like every Sunday we'd head down to Shop World

to check out the specials.

Come on, gang!

Let's get a move on!

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) There was something about the regularity

of it and the fact that we all did it

together that made it special until one Sunday

Raja had a thought.

You know, Mrs. Tolchuck, Shop World

is kind of like your church.

[laughs] No, Raja.

That's not right.

I know it seems funny to think of it,

but you all go together on your Sabbath day.

It seems to lift everybody's spirits.

And you do leave behind roughly 10% of your income.

There are many parallels.

No, no, Raja.

This weekly shopping trip that we go on as a family

is just for fun.

It has nothing to do with our spiritual life.

That would be shallow.

I am sorry.

I meant no offense.

Perhaps it was not as delightful an observation as I thought.

Dear?

Raja says that we haven't really exposed to him to our family's

spiritual life yet.

GARY: Oh, yeah, God-- good stuff, good stuff,

way up on our list.

Let's get inside. Come on.

Oh, look.

They're advertising brand-name dishes for 50% off.

We're not going in there.

What?

Today this family is going to church.

What?

Seriously?

I don't want to go!

FRANNY: Today this family is going to church.

Now get in the damn car.

[ding]

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) It had been 10 years since our family had

gone to church.

Why the sudden change of heart?

It turns out there were a few things going on in my mother's

head these days.

First of all, she's always a little more high

strung around the holidays.

But this year, she'd got a special jolt when Claire and I

gave her our Christmas lists.

[music playing]

[record scratch]

THEME SONG: (SINGING) What's so funny about peace,

love, and understanding?

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) My mother needed some help

imposing moral authority on Claire,

so she dragged us all back to the family's

church, which it turns out we hadn't

been to in quite some time.

Is this your church?

JUSTIN: Something's different.

Welcome to the Chicken Wing.

How may I help you?

Yeah, hi.

What happened to the church that used to be in this spot?

I haven't been trained to respond to that, ma'am.

I was married in this place.

My children were baptized right over by that deep fryer.

And I'd like to know how a house of God

could turn into a chicken restaurant.

I think you'll need a manager for that.

[horns honking]

Honey, I think it's kind of rude to just

sit here during the lunch rush.

[horns honking]

I always thought what that place needed was chicken.

If it is not to forward of me to ask,

exactly what denomination is your family?

We're Methodist, Raja.

CLAIRE: I thought we were Lutheran.

GARY: No, we were. But then we switched.

JUSTIN: Yeah, to Episcopalian.

Fiscal Remember?

We're splitting hairs here, you know?

The point is Jesus is our guy.

Yes, I have also studied Jesus.

In the Muslim faith, he is a great prophet.

We believe in the virgin birth although not the resurrection.

It would be so interesting to compare

those parts of the legend we share in common

and those in which we differ.

You don't want to eat that without this sauce.

There's a mega church in Langston

with a 1 o'clock service.

And if we go now, I think we can make it.

Oh!

There we go.

RAJA: I am so looking forward to this.

And exactly what denomination is this new church?

Mega.

[music playing]

MAN: I'm sorry, the service is already in progress.

The next one begins in 90 minutes.

[groans]

Oh, for [bleep] sake.

We-- oh, we should stay for Christ's sake, kids.

No more backtalk!

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) Luckily there

was plenty to keep us busy while we

were waiting for Christ's sake.

While Claire and my mom got some chai lattes

and I listened to some Christian rock,

my dad checked out the housewares

section of the gift shop.

May I help you, sir?

Yeah.

These plates with the apostles on them,

is this the price per plate? - Oh, no.

It's $22.50 for the whole set.

By the way, they are collectibles.

Oh.

Do you take credit cards?

What has always fascinated me most

is your idea of the Trinity.

It is somewhat surprising that the idea

survived the Reformation.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) Meanwhile, there

was no polite way to get Raja to ease up on all the God talk.

Stop! - What is it?

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) Buck Ceglowski,

also known as The Face Sitter.

I gave him that nickname-- well, I inspired it.

Is that not Buck from our high school?

Shh!

Hello, Buck!

Hey, Tolchuck, is that you?

I almost didn't recognize you without my ass on your face.

[laughter]

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) Maybe it was because I was at a church,

but I didn't just wish for something to stop him.

I actually prayed.

[music playing]

BUCK: [groans] My eye!

My eye!

I'm blind!

Oh my God.

BUCK: [groaning]

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) And so began my spiritual awakening.

DEBBIE: Hello. I'm Debbie Lowell.

Oh, hello.

Frannie Tolchuck.

Hi.

This is my daughter, Claire.

Hi.

Are you thinking of joining our church?

Oh, well, perhaps.

Until recently, we were members of a church across town,

but they underwent some changes.

It was hardly about God at all anymore.

I understand.

This is a wonderful place for families.

We have Bible study for all ages.

Your daughter might be interested in our Chastity

Club.

- She is. - What?

DEBBIE: Well, it's just a group of young people

who get together every Tuesdays and Thursdays nights

to talk about ways to fight the secular

pressures encouraging teen sex.

Isn't that wonderful?

Mhmm.

We also go on field trips, and we

put on an annual nativity play.

Actually, we need a few more adults to help supervise.

- Well, sign me up. - Yay!

[laughter]

Maybe I'll learn how to avoid teen sex myself.

[laughs]

[awkward silence]

OK, great.

So just read that over and see what you think.

Okie doke.

OK.

Bye-bye.

OK, let me be clear, not if you lit me on fire.

You are joining that club.

You can't make me.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) My mom was in a tough position.

She knew she couldn't force Claire to join,

but she did have one card to play.

And luckily her hypocrisy meter was never all that sensitive.

You join the Chastity Club, I'll let you

go on the pill for Christmas.

Deal.

[music playing]

Get outta here.

I know it sounds crazy, but I'm telling you I prayed for it

and, boom, Buck Ceglowski down like a tree.

Did Raja do this to you?

Is he making you all religious?

What?

No, I'm not getting all religious necessarily.

I'm just saying that traditions like praying

have been around for thousands of years,

and I'm starting to understand why.

I'm worried.

Sharon heard there's going to be a pop

quiz on all of Chapter 7 today.

Oh, no.

- Did you even read Chapter 7? - No.

I got halfway through the first paragraph,

but once they mentioned agrarian economy I fell asleep.

I woke up 13 hours later.

I missed dinner.

I missed my shows.

I missed the bus this morning.

I had to walk.

Agrarian economy?

Dude, this is Spanish class.

Ay.

MAN: Listen up, people.

Ms. Gately will not be in today.

She woke up this morning with Perkins disease

and has temporarily lost the power of speech.

It's odd, very odd.

Anyway, you're on your own.

[music playing]

DOOLEY: I know what the next thing you've got to pray for

is, sex with Liz Sherman.

[gasps] Yes, 100%!

[music playing]

I can't do that.

Why not?

Because I can't pray for something that God is against.

I think it's a little presumptuous of you to claim

you know the will of God.

If I had to guess, I'd say God is for it.

God smashed Buck Ceglowski's head open in church, gave

Ms. Gately Perkins disease.

I mean, this is a pretty cool god.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) He had a point.

Sex with Liz Sherman was certainly worth thinking

about even more than usual.

Meanwhile, the Chastity Club meetings were everything Claire

and my mother had anticipated.

And so I say, why not wait until marriage

when the Lord gives me the thumbs

up to share my carnal treasure?

[applause]

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) It got even worse when mom agreed to direct

the nativity play for the Christmas pageant,

and she cast Claire as the Virgin Mary.

I still think in the new year our main gold

should be recruitment.

The kids in my school are so addicted to sex.

You walk down the hall, and you can just tell.

CLAIRE: Gee, Brenda, I'd love to help you recruit.

But I'm not going to be around anymore after Christmas Eve.

I'm only in this club so my mom will let me go on the pill.

[gasps]

[music playing]

I'm only here so I can get a car.

What kind?

[music playing]

Why do the Nelsons have only a simple wreath on their door

whilst your home is decorated with lights and reindeer

on the roof?

Well, we love Jesus more than they do.

We're a Jesus-loving family.

It's also why we have an inflatable,

motion-sensor singing snowman.

Interesting.

GARY: Do you have any inflatable decorations

to help you celebrate your holidays

like a magic lamp or something?

No.

Interesting.

Wait till you experience Easter, Raja.

Oh, there's little bunnies, dyed eggs, and candy.

It's very spiritual.

GARY: What the hell?

Justin and I both got Simon the Zealot.

There aren't supposed to be duplicate apostles.

Well, I don't think it matters, Gar.

Well, it's supposed to be a valuable collectible.

And I have two Simons.

That mean someone's missing.

And I think it's Doubting Thomas.

That's the best one of all.

I'm taking these back.

Hey, everybody.

Claire, you do realize we've got rehearsal

every single night this week?

I know.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) My mom was thrilled.

She thought Claire was finally making a connection with God

even if she was really just making

a connection with Joseph.

But where shall we stay, my husband?

Do not worry, my wife.

We'll find us a place where we can spend the night.

DEBBIE: Your daughter is so committed to this role.

Isn't she?

[music playing]

Claire!

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) Luckily, at least one of mom's children

really believed in something.

[bell ringing]

Hi.

Hi, there.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) And sure enough, my praying had worked.

But then--

Hi, Liz.

Hi, there.

What the hell are you doing?

I don't think we need to curse.

You're praying for sex with Liz Sherman, aren't you?

I think that's between me and my Lord.

[scoffs] You're going to ruin this.

We can't both be praying for the same thing at once.

Well then stop.

No, I don't want to stop.

You're the one who has to stop it.

I've been practically praying for sex with her

since the sixth grade. - Oh, yeah?

Well, you know what?

I'm not going to stop.

And I can pray for like eight hours a day.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I just quit dulcimers, so I can pray for at least 10.

And a couple of those prayers might

be designed to take you out of the competition altogether.

Yeah, think about it.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) So there it was,

the power of prayer twisted into something selfish and petty.

It was like he didn't understand religion at all.

As Christmas approached, Mom was beginning

to wonder if the Chastity Club might wind up being the biggest

threat to Claire's chastity.

Meanwhile, my dad was having his own doubts about our church.

I am done with that place.

What's the matter?

GARY: I brought the apostle plates back.

She told me they have a no-return policy.

Can you believe it?

I am never buying anything or praying there again.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

GARY: They took advantage of my religious faith

to sell me faulty merchandise.

You and the kids can go if you want,

although I'm getting a little concerned

Claire's turning into some kind of religious fanatic.

What are you talking about?

GARY: Well, I dropped her off of at the back entrance.

She's meeting some boy so she can practice her Bible play.

She's at church?

Uh-huh.

[music playing]

Don't worry.

I don't think she's buying anything.

[knocking]

Hello.

Hello.

I saw Eddie and Dooley today but you were not with them.

JUSTIN: Nope.

I got in a fight with Dooley.

He's a total douche.

Now, I am sure you do not mean that.

At times, we are--

all of us-- a partial douche but never a total one.

You won't believe what he did to me.

I told him about the power of prayer,

and so Dooley suggests that I start praying

for sex with Liz Sherman.

So I started doing it.

Next thing I know, Dooley starts praying that he

gets sex from Liz Sherman.

And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's not cool.

And he's like, yeah, but it was my idea.

I was like, yeah, I know it's your idea,

but it was your idea for me.

It's like the guy has no sense of right and wrong.

Are you making that face because you

agree Dooley is a bad friend?

(VOICEOVER) Raja pointed out a lot of stuff that seemed pretty

obvious once somebody said it out loud, like I had abused

something a lot of people considered sacred and how,

with all that's going on in the world,

it might not be right to ask the creator of the universe to help

me have sex with Liz Sherman.

[door slams open]

There you are.

Mom?

FRANNY: Don't you "Mom" me, young lady.

We are going home right this minute.

This is so embarrassing.

One of the keys to playing the Virgin Mary

is to not be jumping on every shepherd that comes along.

We made out once.

I'm not going to have sex with him.

Oh, why else you sneaking off to church

in the middle of the afternoon?

We were running lines.

How do you expect me to trust you

if you keep lying to my face?

Trust is earned, Lady Godiva.

[groans]

Hi, Mrs. Tolchuck.

Where are we doing the speed through?

In the auditorium.

We need to be done before 6 o'clock service.

See you inside.

[sighs]

We're having an orgy.

[music playing]

Hello, Mrs. Tolchuck.

Hello, Raja.

RAJA: You know, growing up in Pakistan it never

made sense to me how, in your religion,

Jesus wound up being so fat.

Then I realized this was Santa Claus.

I should have known he was too jolly to be a messiah.

Is everything all right?

No.

Do you want to talk about it?

No.

Mrs. Tolchuck, please.

Maybe I can help.

Raja, this really is a Christian thing.

And I don't think you'd understand.

I may not be a Christian, but religion is

an important part of my life.

You know, you may not know this about me,

but I'm a very spiritual person.

And it is very difficult for me to live

with people who don't get that.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

I will try to imagine.

FRANNY: When I was a kid, I went to church every Sunday.

And I'd like to think it made me a better person.

But now, with my own kids, I just always

thought there'd be more time.

And now Claire is growing up, and she's

interested in other things.

RAJA: You and Mr. Tolchuck have raised your children

with very good values.

With or without religion, they will make the right choices

when the time comes.

[sighs] I just wish I could know for sure.

RAJA: I am sorry, I do not think anyone

ever gets to know for sure.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) My mother didn't much

like knowing that she could never know for sure,

but she did remember where she used

to go when she felt this way.

There was no guarantee that her kids would ever

share her interest in going to church,

but she knew what it meant to her.

And for the time being, what my mother needed most was faith.

[bell ringing]

[chatter]

Hey.

[scoffs]

I've been doing some thinking.

Oh, really?

JUSTIN: Yes.

And I've decided that I'm not going to be praying for sex

with Liz Sherman anymore.

What?

JUSTIN: And I also prayed that you and I

could be friends again and that Liz Sherman

would have sex with you.

RAJA: Excuse me?

That is really beautiful, man.

JUSTIN: Well, yeah.

I mean, you're the one who's had a crush

on her since sixth grade.

EDDIE: You hear that?

Now you have your prayers and his.

Thanks, man.

I thought about what you said.

I suppose it is a start.

Hey, guys, check it out.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) I had my friend's back,

but I could never really know if it was because of my prayers

or not.

I guess in the final analysis, praying doesn't always give us

exactly what we ask for.

But at least sometimes it gives us what we need most.

[thump]

[groaning]

Ooh!

(VOICEOVER) On Christmas Eve, I think

my mother was actually able to enjoy the nativity play.

And I think seeing Claire perform on stage

gave my mother a moment of clarity,

almost like a revelation.

[record scratch]

Is there no place I can go where I can have this child?

[music playing]

Mom, it's just what I wanted!

[laughs] Oh, honey.

You realize we're going to have to have a discussion about this

that lasts about three years.

I figured.

OK.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) We all got a lot of great stuff.

And for once a Tolchuck Christmas

had something to do with Shop World and church.

My mom gave herself a present and decided

that she was going to do things that were meaningful to her.

Well, I'm off to church.

Oh. Let me change.

I'll come with.

[music playing]

What?

I just like the singing.

JUSTIN: (VOICEOVER) And even though she probably

didn't mean to, Claire gave my mom

a present that meant even more.

[theme music]

THEME SONG: (SINGING) What's so funny about peace,

love, and understanding?

Whoa, what's so funny about peace, love, and understanding?

[music playing]

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