Original subtitles

Skip-Bo.

Agh!

- Who wants French toast? - I do.

I'll tell you who doesn't--

the French.

Order it there and you get plain old toast with a side of BO.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): My dad had recently been fired,

but he wasn't letting it rattle him.

I love how this country can turn even toast into a sugar,

butter-filled delight.

That's why Americans are the biggest people on Earth.

Chocolate chips?

Yes, please.

Nope.

We may need these for dinner one night.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): My mom was a different story.

You're out of work, Gar.

That's how the loser sees it.

I see it as the opportunity to reinvent

myself as the dynamic business go-getter I've always been.

So how is that reinventing yourself?

Justin, you know how your father feels about smart kids.

Let me be a lesson to you, son.

You can be anything you want in life.

Obviously, that doesn't involve athletics.

Well, while you're reinventing yourself,

there's certainly no shame in taking

something with pay and dental.

Relax.

Our finances are fine.

I've diversified, remember? [ding]

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Last spring, my dad

spent a chunk of our savings on a herd of Bolivian alpacas.

The slave boy he got for free.

They're about ready to be sheared, too.

Great.

More work for Justin.

Not necessarily.

Raja has turned out to be a real mule.

Thank you.

Besides, Claire's going to be taking over your alpaca chores

for a week.

That is so unfair.

It's that or be grounded.

You know, sneaking out of the house is one thing.

Doing it in my pumps and dungarees?

No, sister.

Well, when I get back from my interview,

I'll get you started on the alpacas.

OK, Daddy.

I'll do whatever you need.

And no pawning it off on Raja.

Mom!

That boy is an honorary member of this family,

just like those alpacas.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): So my dad began

reinventing himself as something he clearly was not.

Our plan is to capitalize all our new assets equally

throughout our subsidiaries.

It's an extraordinarily complex procedure,

so we really need somebody with experience.

Then I'm your guy.

You've done an asset capitalization?

Oh, I've done a lot of complicated, really

hard stuff, yes.

Oh, yes.

Do you believe OMB 122 does or does not supersede GAP policy?

You just made that up to test me, didn't you?

No.

Um.

Do you, uh, validate?

[THEME - PJ OLSSON AND SALMAN AHMAD,

"(WHAT'S SO FUNNY 'BOUT) PEACE, LOVE, AND UNDERSTANDING"]

THEME SONG: What's so funny 'bout

peace, love, and understanding?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): That day at school,

the one-in-a-million miracle my dad was hoping

for happened to me and Raja.

- Roger, need a favor. - Raja.

For what?

The junior prank, dumb-ass.

- What is the junior prank? - He's in.

[ding]

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): The junior prank started a few years back,

when the juniors got jealous of the attention seniors

got for the beloved senior prank.

CARL: You rascals.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Unfortunately, it turns out,

a lot of the brain's risk assessment skills

develop between the ages of 16 and 17.

So the junior prank tended more towards a pointlessly

destructive.

Take it easy this weekend.

See you later. [honking]

[crash]

ALL: [cheering]

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): But to the other juniors,

the prank was sacred.

Good job!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): And the guys who pulled it off

were the coolest kids in school.

And this year, we had a chance for it to be us.

Why me?

OK.

You know how Muslamic terrorists are always blowing themselves

up in plane stations and stuff?

I know what you are referring to.

So we have you bust into the teachers lounge,

OK, with a belt strapped with fake dynamite.

And then you yell whatever it is you guys yell,

and then you press the button on the thing you're holding.

Only you really are wearing a bunch of M-80s I got in Mexico.

And they totally go off!

The teachers will wet their pants.

And I will get arrested, maybe even deported.

That is, if the enormous M-80 firecrackers do not kill me.

This guy's kind of a buzzkill, huh?

Ye-- I'm sorry. He's just really smart.

You know what?

He can come up with an even better prank idea

that both he and I would love to help you do.

So long as it does not involve me exploding.

Thanks.

It's not called the loser prank.

They know it's us now.

They can narc on us.

Guess we have to take them.

Yes!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I wasn't proud.

They're grazers, so you've got to scatter

their food in handfuls.

I like to say things like, "soup's on," or,

"come and get it!"

That's optional.

No, I will.

Now that JonCo has decided to go another way for CFO,

these alpacas represent our future.

Soup's on.

My dad's a fireman.

We could run a fire hose from a hydrant

into the teacher's lounge, turn it on.

It fills up overnight.

First teacher through the door--

whoosh.

Whoosh!

[laughing]

That's genius!

Whoosh.

You people are barbarians.

ALL: Yeah!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Raja was uncomfortable, but not me.

I was part of the cool crowd, handshake and all.

RAJA: We have to warn Mr. Matthews.

Raja, I've always wanted to hang out with these guys

and this is the first thing they've include me

where I haven't been the victim, so.

I understand that, Justin, but high school

will end in two years.

This prank is a felony that will be on your record forever.

[ding]

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Raja's actually

16 and nine months, so thoughts like that make sense to him.

It is not worth the risk.

I know.

OK, how's this?

We go on with the prank, but then, when no one's around,

we double back, pull the hose through the window

before it does any damage.

How is that better than warning Mr. Matthews?

Because my way, we get in with the popular crowd.

In your way, we're narcs.

I do not understand a culture that punishes both crime

and those who would stop it.

We're pretty complex.

Say what you will about a military dictatorship,

but at least we are consistent.

It was so unfair.

I didn't even want to go to the movies, but Clark was all,

I'm going. Who else wants to?

And Becky was like, I do, even though she

knows I'm crushing on him.

So I had to go.

[alpaca humming]

I know!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): As much as Claire

wanted to hate the alpacas, her resentment was no match

for their South American charm.

Need your help.

No.

Help with what?

Sneaking out.

No.

Come on, Claire.

You know all the tricks.

And once mom is on to one, it's ruined forever.

Look, I promise you I wouldn't ask you

if it wasn't really important.

Raja and I got ourselves into a really

complicated situation involving the junior prank, and we need--

The junior prank? That's big.

When do you have to be out?

Tonight at 10:00.

Mom's still up.

I know.

The den is right by the front door.

If Mom settles in there with a movie or, god, a book,

just abort right there.

Well, so what do I do to keep her out?

You need to give her a project.

Something that takes all night.

Baking, sewing, basically anything that'll

keep her in the kitchen.

I think I'm going to have a garage sale this weekend.

Thin out some of the clutter.

Why don't you just put it on Craigslist?

I have seen this site, Mrs. Tolchuck.

It is an online bazaar, where you can buy and sell anything.

You can use a computer right here in the kitchen tonight

to--

to list everything.

And then by tomorrow, you'll-- you'll probably

have to sell more stuff to make room for all the money.

So--

CLAIRE: Now, will probably be on the couch, watching TV.

Couldn't hurt for him to be asleep.

I'll take care of that.

Mom, can I go with Deborah and her dad

next week on "take your daughter to work" day?

Hey, I think I'll have one more beer.

CLAIRE: Finally, and this is key--

Raja and you have to record yourselves reading both parts

of "Romeo and Juliet".

Why?

Maybe we should just forget it.

No.

No, just why?

CLAIRE: She knows that if she walks in, she'll

be so embarrassed, she'll stop.

And it's studying.

Justin, honey, do you still--

JUSTIN: Henceforth, I never will be Romeo.

RAJA: Romeo!

Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse thy neighbor--

You're a genius, Claire.

Tell anyone and I've got you and Raja on tape

reading "Romeo and Juliet".

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Mom decided to check out Craigslist

and was surprised to see what other people

were getting good money for.

She realized she was sitting on a gold mine.

[cash register cha-chinging]

We'll take care of the fire hydrant.

You guys run the hose.

We'll whistle when we're in.

What is the punishment if we are apprehended?

They arrest us.

Yes.

But after that?

For instance, in Pakistan, it is a public stoning.

Here, they just stone you in private.

ALL: [snickering]

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I'd done it.

The cool kids were accepting me.

My old man sees I'm gone, I'm dead.

He stays up late, too, 'cause he's unemployed.

Mine, too.

- Sucks, huh? - Yeah.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): We were bonding all over the place.

Yeah, yeah.

It's this one here.

It is locked! How are we going to--

[crash]

Oh.

[air blowing]

[whistling]

OK.

That's it.

Now, we must never speak of this.

Except at, like, parties and stuff?

- Clearly. - Yeah.

So we'll probably see you guys at, like, lunch tomorrow.

Yeah, sure. We usually sit by--

By the drink machine.

Cool.

[clears throat]

Let's go.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): We waited for them to leave,

then came back. - Hurry!

Get the hose out!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I felt bad, like we

were vandalizing our vandalism.

[far off hooting and hollering]

But that was thinking like a 16-and-3-month year old

Justin, quickly!

Before they turn on the--

[water moving]

Whoa!

Oh, whoa!

[screaming]

[inaudible].

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): We couldn't turn the water off,

so we just aimed it away from the building.

The next morning, I felt, I don't know, cooler.

The other kids could sense it, too.

Mostly.

Come with me, please.

Uh-huh.

You guys would have no way of knowing this,

but that is not how a football field is supposed to look.

What makes you think it was us?

The night janitor saw a Muslim kid and a skeleton

boy running from campus.

Well, that could have been anyone.

We'll have to forfeit the big home game this weekend.

And there goes any shot of a championship.

We had one?

You are in no position to be criticizing the school.

Now, you can't be the main kids behind this.

The pranks are always pulled off by the popular crowd.

I want names, and I want them now.

Mr. Matthews, I can assure you most passionately

that neither Justin nor I will ever narc.

And why is that?

I am still fuzzy on our reasoning.

Because they're our friends.

You, detention.

You are free to go.

But if Justin has detention, sir, it is only fair--

This is not about what's fair.

This is about me getting the information that I need.

And you better believe I know how to do that.

Chocolate?

It's my candy.

That's my dish.

I made that for my mom in first grade.

Yeah, I bought it from her off Craigslist

this morning for 4 bucks.

You can have it for 6.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I didn't know what he was doing,

but I vowed that I wouldn't let it work.

I really did want that chocolate, though.

Damn chocolate-eating Raja.

After that, things got pretty tense at school.

The seniors were mad at us for blowing the football season,

and the juniors were mad at us for blowing the prank.

COOL KID: Screw up our season, huh?

Whatever, man.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): But I really hit rock

bottom when I got to detention.

Mr. Matthews knew this is no place for a guy like me.

So can I help you with anything, Mr. Lester?

Well, you can run and get me a cup of coffee.

Oh, what the heck?

I need to stretch my legs.

I'll be back in 10, 15 minutes.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I'm pretty sure it was actually closer

to 20 minutes, but it was hard for me

to see the clock with Buck's ass crushing my head.

Back at home, my mother was so engrossed in Craigslist

that she didn't even ask about what was going on at school.

And I wasn't about to tell her.

I just made $4,000 on the Craigslist,

selling stuff we will never miss.

Honey, that's amazing.

[bottle breaking]

Where's the table?

There's the old one in the shed.

Where's the shed?

- Did I sell the shed? - Mhm.

You listed it once it was empty. - Ah.

Mom, my never-again clothes were in there.

I need those.

Whoa!

Did you sell my action figures?

Well, honey, you said you don't play with them anymore.

You know I was lying!

Is this my prayer mat?

Or a throw rug.

Well, I have some good news about the alpacas.

[gasps]

Thank god!

How much are we going to get for the wool?

Very, very little.

Apparently, the bottom has dropped out

of the alpaca market.

Huh.

Waiting for the good news here.

Don't you get it?

They're undervalued.

Now is the time to jump in with both feet.

Honey, we have an opportunity to own over 400 alpacas!

This may never happen again.

And it's not happening now.

Gar, look.

I-- I think it's great that you're teaching

the kids that they can be whatever they

put their mind to in this life.

I mean, every child should learn that.

But then you grow up and you realize it isn't true.

It is not?

Well, of course it is, Raja.

People, we need to wake up and smell the roses here.

We have too many mouths to feed as it is.

- You can't get rid of Raja. - Oh, no.

I was talking about the alpacas.

No.

You can't sell Caitlin, Brittany,

Ashley, Emma, and Madison.

Dad, tell her.

Well, maybe your mom is right.

I mean, I love those gals, too, but their wool is worthless.

Their meat, tough and gamy.

It's not fair.

I lose my alpacas because dad has

deluded himself into thinking he's some business genius?

Oh, Claire, don't be unnecessarily

blunt with your father.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Mom couldn't have picked a worse night

to sell all the televisions.

Mom did end up listing the alpacas.

[phone ringing]

She probably could have asked for a little more.

FRANNY: So make sure you bring a money order.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): And Claire eventually

came to understand that some things are about more than just

her.

I hate you!

I hate you all!

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): I'm kidding.

I can get a job.

Hon, they're not going to let you run Yahoo!.

I mean any job.

That way we can keep the alpacas.

[gasps]

I love you, Daddy.

The man from the petting zoo is coming at noon.

I can do it.

I know you can.

I believe in you.

We are so screwed.

We are screwed?

No way can my dad get a job by noon.

Buck just emailed me a picture of his butt.

These came for you.

What is this?

A box of chocolates from Mr. Matthews.

I cannot take this anymore!

You?

I have to spend 45 minutes every day under this.

OK, look.

You know what?

Tomorrow, let's just go tell Mr. Matthews what he wants to know,

because I'd rather be a "narc" than spend

another day in detention.

But then we will become untouchables.

It's my own fault! OK?

Let's just face it.

The reason I never got to hang out with those kids wasn't

because I never got the chance.

It's because I wasn't cool enough.

I wish I could go back and this time just strap

the fake dynamite to myself.

Well, maybe you still can.

I was being wistful.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Lucky for me, Claire, Caitlin, Brittany,

Ashley, Emma, and Madison, Raja had

another plan to save us all.

Well, you're so early, but they're just right out here.

What, the neighbor's cat get them?

Damn internet.

[music playing]

There is nothing to hold me back now.

I hate first period.

Those kids are animals.

I'm free.

Whoa-oh.

Whoa-oh.

Whoa-oh.

I'm free.

Whoa-oh.

Whoa-oh.

STUDENT: What are those?

JUSTIN: Your prank worked, Justin Tolchuck.

Your prank worked!

Shh.

Your prank worked, Justin Tolchuck!

What the hell?

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): It turned out to be

a pretty good junior prank.

Why?

Because it had just the right sense of absurd whimsy.

Come in here and get it right now before--

[splat]

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Also, anything involving poop

usually scores high points.

Damn.

These are new Ferragamos.

STUDENTS: [laughing]

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): Turns out, we should have had

a little more faith in my dad.

Please?

Well, I appreciate you begging, Gary,

but we don't really have an opening for you right now.

Look, buddy, I need this job, OK?

Not for me, but for my little lambs, OK?

Caitlin, Brittany, Ashley, Emma, and Madison.

If I don't find work, my wife says

she can't afford to keep them. - You don't mean she'd--

She found this site on the internet.

You can buy and sell anything.

Is that legal?

There's no stopping Franny when

she puts her mind to something.

So please.

I promised my youngest I'd keep the whole herd together.

Give me 30 minutes.

I have to go fire someone.

Oh, thank you.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): So my dad ended up getting a job.

And Claire got to keep her alpacas.

Soup's on.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): And immediately lost interest.

Raja and I ended up getting two weeks of detention,

but I didn't mind so much this time.

Hey, Tolchuck, nice prank.

(MUFFLED) Yeah, it was awesome.

Thanks, guys.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): My dad ended up being a pretty

good lesson for us after all.

You can be anything you want in life.

Justin, I brought Skip-Bo.

JUSTIN (VOICEOVER): But that doesn't mean there's anything

wrong with what you are.

[THEME - PJ OLSSON AND SALMAN AHMAD,

"(WHAT'S SO FUNNY 'BOUT) PEACE, LOVE, AND UNDERSTANDING"]

THEME SONG: What's so funny 'bout

peace, love, and understanding?

Oh.

What's so funny 'bout peace, love, and understanding?