Original subtitles

I woke you up!

My time is a reservation.

I thought you booked it.

Yeah, right.

I've been dying to go there ever since that movie came out. Oh my gosh, that's

gorgeous.

Yeah, me too.

So, how's your week?

Work. Busy, eh?

Work was great.

He's still my beating heart.

Are you sure you want to go out?

Another fling doesn't mean anything.

I've been here before.

Yeah, yeah. I came here with a school friend.

We got so drunk. School friend? Yeah.

I've been here a few times too.

I don't know, she's kind of changed. You know, got boring.

Boring? Kids.

Kids? Yeah.

But they are nice.

Twins. They're gorgeous though, you know? Yeah, kids.

Yeah.

You know, growing up in Australia, we had this spider called the dark fishing

spider. Yeah.

It only ever takes one mate.

And what it did, it would crawl on top of its partner.

Yeah.

Rejects it with its spidey goodness.

And then spontaneously it would just die.

It would just shrivel up, genitalia totally dismembered.

And then the bride would eat him whole.

That's strong.

Yeah, it is. It's quite good, though.

No, not the drink. The spider.

Yeah, it is.

Yeah.

I'm going to go pat on my nose. Okay.

So we can finish up here. All right.

See you soon.

Okay. Come on, Rob. Run the last straight here.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Give it to me.

Last stretch.

Here comes Rob.

Can we slow down a little bit?

Hello?

Hey, Sharon.

Sharon. Yeah, just out on a run, you know.

Waking up the serotonin.

Yep.

Or dinner tonight. Yeah, sure.

Can I bring anything?

No? All right.

Okay.

Great. See you then. Ciao.

Ciao, Sharon.

I mean, how would you do this? You know, a gangly, gangly fellow like yourself.

How would you pick up so many hot...

Women? Well, I like women. What can I say?

No, I don't. I mean, you're either a god in bed or you're hung like Donkey Kong.

It's one thing or the other. Well, it's just not the sex, and they know that.

Where did you meet Charlotte?

Lunch counter at work.

Yeah, every day I turned around and there she was. Yeah.

Yeah. Hi.

A little chit-chatting.

See, that's why it doesn't fit, because I see beautiful women all the time. If I

say hi to them, they're like offended or something. That's because you just stare

at them. Oh, my God.

I'm good. I got it.

Don't worry, it happens all the time.

Rob, I'm good. I'm good.

Can I have your number?

Sure.

Come on in.

You do like pasta, right?

I love pasta.

Yes.

Smells fantastic.

Do you want a glass of wine?

Yes, please.

So I need your opinion on my sauce.

Is it too spicy?

Too hot?

It's perfect.

Yeah?

You tell me.

Perfect.

You know, you would make the perfect wife.

Thank you.

Just imagine it.

Coming home from a hard day's work to me.

Perfect cook.

You know my mother was a really good cook.

Your mother?

A mummy's boy, huh?

I would never have guessed it.

Wow.

That can be our little secret, huh?

Yeah.

Mum. Can you come over?

Slow down, Mum.

Are you alright?

It's your dad. It's your father.

He's just left me.

He's just told me. Yeah, okay. I'll be right over, okay?

Just stay there, Mum.

I'll be there in a minute, okay?

Okay. Bye.

60% of married people, 60, cheat on their spouses.

That means we're never going to go out of business.

So depressing.

It's not that bad. You tell me a job where you're going to go out and meet

all sorts of people.

Some you like, some you don't.

And you get to tell tales.

Try that woman from last week.

She's spending Christmas day completely by herself now thanks to her scumbag

husband.

Well... She's still got a couple of weeks left.

We should find someone by then.

She's only two weeks.

We need to do some Christmas shopping.

I'm on my way.

Angela? Hi.

Hi. How are you? Good, how are you?

Good. It's good to see you. Good to see you too.

So, what are we doing here?

Thinking about Albert.

I think I've just decided that I want him for real,

for good.

You know, babies, house.

The whole thing.

Wow.

Yeah.

So... I just thought this is as good a place as any to... think

about it.

Eerie.

Hi, I'm Sharon.

Hi, good to meet you.

You must be Angela?

Yes. Christine Mitchell?

Yeah, that's right. Thank you for coming.

The reason we've asked you here today is because we'd like to hire you to find a

friend of ours who seems to have just disappeared.

Okay. What makes you think he's disappeared?

We're both in contact with him all the time.

Both of you?

Yes. I mean, one of us was in contact with him every day, talking all the

time, but now he doesn't want to speak to either of us.

He doesn't answer his phone.

He's never at home. And he's just quit his job.

Look, I just want to know what's happened.

Right. So it might be that he just doesn't want to speak to anyone.

Something's wrong.

Kate, we're just worried.

We want to make sure that he's okay.

Okay. And if I find him and he's alright but he doesn't want to be contacted,

will you accept that? No.

Well, you won't accept it.

We want to know exactly what's happened.

This is a very emotional issue, as you can see.

Maybe we shouldn't even talk.

Look, sometimes you just want to disappear, start afresh.

I've thought about doing that before. Surely you have too?

Miss Mitchell, with all due respect, we just want to find him.

Yeah? We don't want him to know that we're looking for him.

But when you find him...

I really want to contact him, okay?

Sorry, I don't understand the nature of your relationship.

Mr. De Grazia is a gentleman that we both date.

No freaking way.

What, like a regular threesome?

Of course not. We see him separately.

The details of the arrangement aren't important at all. Well, it could have a

bearing on the case.

How so?

Well, in the way that you're both two beautiful women and he's seeing both of

you, it's an unusual situation, so... Yeah, it seems unusual, but you don't

know Albert.

You don't know him like we do.

Angela, do you really think she's the right woman for the job?

Yeah, I do, but we just have to let her know our sake in Albert de Gracia.

You know, perhaps you should explain.

Yeah, okay.

So, I introduced Albert to Angela just after she'd broken up with her

boyfriend. Tell me it.

It was awful.

I thought we were going to get married.

I was talking about Albert and how she needed a man like him.

So I pointed him out to her one day in the lobby.

He usually stays in at lunch and then pops down to the sandwich shop.

And so I went down to the sandwich shop every day, you know.

And on the third day... She arose from the dead.

On the third day, I went down there and I saw him.

So I stood in line behind him and started making all these terrible jokes.

So you set your boyfriend up with your best friend without him knowing about

it?

Yeah.

Albie is the perfect gentleman.

I mean, he's the kind of guy that treats you like you're the only woman in the

world. But there are two of you. Surely you can't feel like you're the only

woman in the world.

When you find a guy like Albert, you cherish him, you protect him and care

for him.

You want to share him with your best friend?

I've never met a man like that.

Obviously.

Okay, well, I'll take the case.

Do either of you have a picture of this Casanova? I think I do.

But I'm pretty sure none will be appropriate.

Yeah,

I get what you mean. I'm a private detective.

Well, it's supposed to be my day off.

So I looked up that missing person case for you, and the guy just wants to be

left alone.

So you found him already?

That's right.

The case is closed.

It's like the quickest case in the history of law enforcement.

Hollywood should probably make a film about what an amazing cop I am.

Me and Brad Bickerstar, they call it, um, Supercop, the Missing Person

Whisperer. So I'm hired by two supermodels to find this guy, and he's

just hiding from them. All I know is that the guy just wants to be left

alone. Is he still in London?

Like I said, the guy just wants to be left alone.

Can I see the file?

Absolutely not.

Look, Christine, I've known you since school, but don't expect too much from

me, yeah?

I do have one more question for you, though, super cop, if you think you'll

be able to answer it.

Do you in any way get the impression that this guy just wants to be left

alone?

I can't have you arrested, you know.

Look, if you want to give my details to your client for official police

business, that's fine.

I have a feeling they just want to be left alone.

Good one.

So these two incredibly beautiful women hire me to find this guy. He's just gone

completely AWOL. And I spoke to John, Policeman John, and he's there.

He's still in the same house. He's just completely cut them off.

He said that's weird.

So you've already found him then?

Yeah. There is no missing persons case.

You've done all the usual checks.

Insurance, credit, driving.

So you got her approaching him about speaking to Angela Pace?

I just think he'll say no.

Well, there you go. Case closed.

Refunded client's money and just telling him that we didn't bother speaking to

him because we felt he'd say no. It's just a feeling I get. It's just the way

he's cut them both off. It's weird.

And they want to know why.

Maybe it's a case of the broken penis.

If it was anything to do with health, then they'd know about it already.

Hang on, what?

The penis is breaking.

So what are you going to do now?

Approach him?

Well, actually... Actually, have I told you how super incredibly no way I

can possibly go out and do my partner's job for them busy I am?

It's just that if you go, then it hasn't ruined my chances if she says no.

Please.

Maybe I'll ask you for some pointers.

Thank you.

What kind of man runs away from two supermodels?

Maybe he's got herpes.

No.

I'd know if it was that.

Can you imagine having two girlfriends?

Would you even want that?

Only if they were deaf, dumb and blind sausage, otherwise how could you cope?

Or if they were two perfect copies of you.

They'd have to be good clones though, not like the shitty, retarded ones.

Can't wait to see what he looks like.

You still gonna look for him?

Yeah. This is a take the money and run case.

Police already found him.

Not sure if I like the sound of that.

These women have said money is no object. I could follow him all around

the world. You bloody well couldn't. Why not?

I'd kick your ass. And his.

Jealous, huh?

So this guy's hiding from these women, yeah?

I reckon it's pretty easy to work out why.

These women get bitchy after a while. They can only keep up the act for so

long.

I notice you're not arguing with me.

Maybe he hasn't reached the familiarity slash slob stage yet and they still like

him.

I still don't get what they want to share, though.

Doesn't that seem weird to you?

They're high-powered career women.

They're just using him for sex.

So insensitive.

I mean, we're people too.

We know when we're being used and treated like a piece of meat.

Rob.

Look at you.

You're always telling me to be more sensitive and I tell you about my

feelings and you laugh at me.

So, if two supermodels wanted to sleep with you, you'd say no, would you?

This guy's smart.

Maybe he's getting out before the familiarity slash castration stage.

It's too far.

It's your shoes and then walk the mile.

You may escape from consequence.

With love, conscience, tenderness, with regret.

We will never break. We will never break. But we will prove to be the love

of your life.

So, these two best friends are both in love with the same guy, and he doesn't

know about it. Do you think that's weird?

He must just be great in bed.

Either that, or he has a massive pistol, if you know what I mean.

He must have the biggest gun on the planet.

This guy must be incredible in bed, like, magical.

Sort of man that ruins you for other men, like, retire your vagina and get

his name tattooed across your face, type good in bed.

And, uh, where exactly did you say he lived again?

Can't tell you that. Come on, I could help solve the mystery.

Oh my god, this guy's not a sex toy, you know.

Oh, be careful.

Come on.

No! Please!

No!

Call yourself my best friend.

Oh, jeez.

Who is it?

I'm Carl Barber. I'm a private investigator.

A what?

May I leave my card?

I have a client trying to contact you,

Mr. DeGrazia. And the name is?

Angela Pace.

Hello?

Hello, Christian Mitchell speaking.

Hi. Any news?

Well, he's not missing.

It's just that he doesn't want to be contacted by anyone.

Well, did you talk to him?

No, I had my business partner approach him about speaking to you.

Right. And anything?

He declined, I'm afraid. My business partner told him through a closed door

that you were his client.

Well, I would have preferred it if... you would have spoken to him. Well, I

wanted to keep my options open in case he said no and you wanted me to

continue. I definitely want you to continue.

Okay. I do have a rather personal question.

I just wondered if you or Sharon had any health problems or sexually transmitted

diseases?

No.

Okay. Well, at this point, I'm going to start needing to spread some cash to get

some information.

Spread it.

Okay. Thanks.

All right.

Speak soon.

Christine but yeah So

you

ready to work for Greenpeace I guess I just want to do something good for the

planet I mean I like polar bears and trees and you know So did

you know that Greenpeace is one of the biggest environmental organization

There is a guy here.

He's brilliant. His name is Albert.

Okay. And I think I'm going to put you together.

You're going to do great.

Okay, that sounds perfect.

Hi, I'm Albert DiGrazio. Hi.

I'm your partner for today.

I'm Christine. It's good to meet you. Nice to meet you.

So, uh, it's your first time?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, big girl.

I'm sorry, I'm with Greenpeace.

I'd just like to tell you what's going on right now with our environment.

Excuse me, sir, can we stop you?

Have you heard about the environmental crime that's going on right now in the

Arctic? One minute of your time, please. I'm trying to save the planet here.

You're wearing tree augers, aren't you, darling?

Okay, thank you.

I'm so sorry, I've been here last night. It's going to be the fourth time I've

been late for work, man. Please, sir, please, sir.

We're applying for licenses to drill the Arctic. I would, but I can't afford it.

I'm really sorry.

Get a proper job.

Ain't signing nothing.

That's amazing.

Thank you.

There you go. Fantastic.

Thank you very much.

Okay, well, thank you very much for your time.

Woo-hoo!

Woo!

Saving the world.

You're really passionate about this, aren't you?

Yeah, well, you're going to make a stand.

I'm going to guess Greenpeace is putting their money where their mouth is.

Yep.

Someone's got to hold companies accountable for the effects that happen,

right? Yeah, exactly.

You know, I never used to care.

Until recently, I had this awakening, and I just decided to change my life.

What was your awakening all about?

I just didn't like the direction my life was going in, I guess. It felt so

superficial and fake, and I just needed to make a change.

I want to surround myself with people who are chasing false ideas and fairy

tales. Wow.

So that's why you're doing Greenpeace.

Yep.

You know, we can also do some door-to-door fundraising, if you like.

Hello.

Can we help you?

Is your mum in?

She's in the shower.

Oh, go get her.

Oh.

Greenpeace. We wanted to talk to you about what was happening in the Arctic.

Morning.

Hi. We're just like giving out information about different oil

companies that are trying to apply for licenses in the Arctic right now.

Sensitive zones and they really shouldn't be looking for oil there. So

we're trying to stop them and we're looking for members to sign up to help

us stop them. Would you be interested in becoming a member today for Greenpeace?

In one sense I really would, but I am a bit overwhelmed at the moment with

charitable appeals.

You okay?

Yeah.

How'd he go out there today?

Well, I met him at half ten to do this door-to-door thing, which actually is

really hard.

And then he gets this phone call and just disappears.

Just like that.

Gone for the rest of the day.

Well, how did it go following this guy?

He only got as far as the tube.

Didn't want him to catch me.

How about you?

Who's cheating, husband or wife?

Husband.

It's textbook case.

Wife hires me to follow him. Turns out he's about 60 years old. Grey hair,

thinning. Turns out he's sneaking around with some voluptuous bimbo. Probably,

what, 30s max.

He's taking her to the swankiest restaurants in town.

Unbelievable.

But... Then we ended up at some concert last week that I absolutely loved.

I can't take these cases anymore. I end up planning slow, painful deaths for

them. Well, I tell you what, I'm loving it. I don't think I'm getting a billet

for this concert.

You're such a saint.

Well, I try.

Honey!

Look how much you've grown since I last saw you.

Dad, you saw me two weeks ago.

Really? Two whole weeks? That's too long.

I'm a strong, confident businesswoman, Father.

Yes, I know. You're so independent.

Come on, I'll grab my coat and we'll go and get something to eat.

Where do you want to go?

Well, we could go over the road to the castle.

Sounds good.

They do a very good burger.

Starving. Very reasonably priced too.

Like a plan?

When are you and this Mike guy going to make a commitment?

I don't know.

Well then, you should stop wasting your time with him and move on.

You know I've been waiting for you to have my grandchildren ever since your

mother passed away.

I'm not getting any younger, and neither are you.

When you say one word about my biological clock, I swear I'll punch

myself in the face.

Look, I know you miss Mark.

It isn't that.

Look, I've seen it all before, Chrissie, lads.

Guys like Mike, well, they hang around for years.

You treat them good, you give them all the creature comforts, and once you've

given them the best years of your life...

He'll turn around and marry somebody younger.

You're smarter than that, Chrissie.

Stop wasting your time with him. I'm not wasting my time.

I don't know.

I can't force him to propose, can I?

All I can say is, when the right person comes along, that's it. It happens.

You've been with this Mike guy for two years.

He's not the one for you, Chrissie.

I think things are a little bit different than when you were young, Dad.

Look, I've got to go.

But I'll see you on Christmas Day, OK?

You go home tonight and you'll dump that bastard.

He's ruining your sofa anyway.

Where have you been?

I just popped into the office.

You sure you weren't with the man slut?

What?

Yes, as we're always in commitment limbo. I didn't think I needed to rush

home to you.

You sure it's nothing to do with seeing Daddy today?

How do you know I saw my Dad today?

He phoned.

He said I should be...

considerate enough not to sit in the same spot on the sofa so I didn't leave

a dent.

What can I say? He wants to be a grandad.

Is

that

what you want?

I guess I'll have kids one day.

Do you love me?

You know I do.

Say it.

Say you love me and you want to marry me.

Are you leaving?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I'd like to stay, but you know...

I've got business meeting in the morning.

Sleep well.

So do you do this job at weekends too?

No.

I don't know how long I'm going to be able to keep it up. I think I might need

to get a new job soon.

Well, it's Christmas, you know, it's virtually impossible to get another job

right now and besides, you know, we're saving the world.

To be honest, I couldn't handle a high-pressure job right now.

Sounds intense.

Yeah, I'm just finally getting some good night's sleep.

I'm on the recovery.

On the recovery from what?

Insomnia.

I tell you what, how about I take you out for dinner tonight and you can use

me like cheap therapy?

No, thanks.

Maybe some other time. Oh, no. I did psychology at uni. I love that sort of

stuff.

What do you like?

Mexican?

Italian? Sushi?

Chinese?

I think tonight I just need some sleep.

OK.

Well, if you change your mind, there's an amazing little Moroccan place next to

the theatre in Soho.

Yeah, I think I know that one.

Let me think about it, though. OK.

Oh cross it for God's sake!

You getting yourself done up for me?

No.

I'm trying to get the interest of the guy I'm investigating.

Really?

You know, don't be surprised if you turn up here one day and he's a lieutenant.

What's this guy's name again?

You can read it on a wedding invitation.

See?

You have got a wedding on your hand.

It's not even about a marriage, is it? It's about getting married.

Well, I'm not going to marry you.

I didn't ask.

No, but good. I'm just saying. Don't bother.

Morning.

Hi. How are you? Good.

Did you manage to sleep?

A little.

You know, it's funny, when I was little, my brother fell asleep with a pillow

over his face, and then when he woke up, the tooth fairy had taken over his

teeth.

So, what did you do before you worked for Greenpeace?

I was an astrophysicist.

No, but I was an account manager for a computer software firm.

Did you like it?

Not really.

Not really. I need more of a challenge, you know, something with more of a long

-term opportunity, like Greenpeace.

I'm with Greenpeace, yeah.

I'd just love to talk to you about what's going on right now.

One minute.

Oh,

God, I'm so sorry. That's so embarrassing.

Oh, shit.

Sorry.

Can I get you another coffee?

Oh, no.

I'm so clumsy. Sorry, that's really embarrassing.

Yeah.

Slow down, slow down, slow down.

What? You what?

Listen, I'm really sorry, but I've got to go.

I'm sorry to leave you here alone, okay?

That's okay. I hope everything's all right. Sorry.

It's fine.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Can I please take you out tonight to make up for all

of this?

Yeah, okay. Maybe that Moroccan place in Soho? Yeah. 7.30? Okay, see you there.

Okay, bye.

What's up?

I need you to follow this guy for me.

He keeps disappearing after these phone calls every morning.

I'm already trailing two guys.

Yeah, but yours are at night. This guy's in the morning before 10 o'clock.

Every morning?

No, not every morning, but pretty often. I just think whatever the problem is,

it's to do with these phone calls.

I can give you tomorrow and the next day.

Till 11.

Thank you.

Christine, why do you have this look on your face that says, I want to ask you

a question but I don't know how to phrase it?

Carl, you're a ladies man.

Sure. Just...

I try not to.

What's this got to do with me being a ladies' man?

I was thinking maybe I should get it cut or just change the style.

Bob, maybe.

Mike's an idiot if he's taking you for granted.

Thank you, but so Bob... You're going about it the wrong way.

Make them jealous.

Use me if you want to.

It's not about Mike.

I didn't say Mike.

Whatever you do, don't talk about hairstyles. It makes them...

Tired. Confused.

And it makes them hungry.

I'm hungry.

Have you had lunch yet?

Wow, what is with you?

What?

This hasn't got anything to do with that guy you're following, does it? What do

you mean?

Your hair, your makeup.

Your air of determination.

It's all so... You've slept with him, haven't you? What?

No! Are you sure?

Because, you know, it's unethical to sleep with a man that you investigate.

Well, it's unethical for me to tell you about the case, so let's talk about it

to Miguel, shall we?

You've got a crush on him, haven't you?

Oh, for God's sake.

That's not a no.

This is so exciting.

What did Mike say?

Does Mike know?

Of course he doesn't want a stupid question.

Finished? I like crushes.

I'm just working with these two girls who are super hot. It just makes me look

at my appearance, that's all.

So you missed one date. Big deal.

Well, it's just one of those days.

There'll be other dates.

In fact, it's time for you to reveal to me your secret.

What secret?

How you managed to sleep with so many hot women.

You owe it to me as your best mate to reveal your secret to me on picking up

women.

I don't pick up women.

Yeah, sure.

The Queen's just farted on national television.

OK, let's take those two, for instance. Those two? Yeah, those two hot ones in

the back.

Let's use them for training purposes.

All right.

Can I please order two wet dream shots for the girls in the corner over there?

And a few for you? Yeah, two beers.

Thanks. OK, so you start by trying to impress the target... No, no, no. ..by

buying them drinks. That's not it. I'm not trying to impress them.

OK, but what if they refuse the drinks? They won't refuse the drinks.

See, when you send some drinks to a table of women, they can either ask you

to join them or not, and either way it's fine. I mean, some will, some won't.

Do you know what?

I know shits.

All of them.

Even if you think they're all right.

They're not.

Seriously, what is wrong with you?

We don't want them.

Yes, we do. Well, I don't want mine. I'll drink hers.

What is wrong with you?

Try and act normal.

Those guys are hot.

I guess the tall one is kind of cute.

He's not your type at all.

How do you know who your type is until you've spoken to them?

I know. Fair sight.

I don't see how you can.

They might be...

Stupid or ignorant or arrogant, I don't know.

Did you start seeing a guy like that when you were seeing Mike?

What would you say if I told you that Mike was kind of a dick to me?

I'd say you're a princess.

I'll take him off your hands and you can go after that guy.

Okay, I will.

Christine, I was joking.

Seriously, I mean, that's the worst secret I've ever heard.

There's got to be something more to it.

Have you had dinner this evening? I haven't. Do you fancy getting something

to eat? I would love to.

Thanks.

What?

Step one, I girl a drink.

Step two, use magic serenity. Step three, the girl is all yours.

I mean, I just don't know how the guy does it every single time. Hi there.

Sorry to interrupt, but only it appears that my friend has just left with your

friend, so I was wondering if you'd mind if I joined you instead?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, take a seat.

Hi, I'm Sophie.

Rob. Hi, Rob.

You know what I like about you? What?

You're such a regular person.

Congratulations.

You've just found a slightly more offensive female version of nice. I did

mean that as a compliment.

So, if my friend said to me, what is he like? And I said, yeah, he's nice.

You'd take that as a compliment, would you? Alright, I get it.

You know, there's some women who just act like they're perfect. Like,

everything about them is just so flawless.

Flawful about a woman being confident in her own skin.

Did you just make up a word?

Flawful? What?

No. That's too much brandy.

I think so.

I'm sorry about before.

I had an emergency. I wanted to make the dinner I did, but... And I'm sorry about

this morning. Jeez, I'm saying sorry a lot, aren't I?

I feel so... Flawful.

No, you used my word wrong.

I-M-M-I?

When you make up a totally amazing new word, then it's completely up to you how

you use it. And that was wrong.

What is it?

Nothing.

Oh, God.

Okay, wait, wait, let me get my pants off.

Okay. All right.

Yeah.

Okay, got it. Yeah.

It's going to be fine.

She was having dinner with him. She was flirting her knickers off. How could we

let this happen? We should have sent a man.

Calm down.

This is exactly what we wanted to happen. It's going to be fine.

Wait.

You wanted this to happen?

Yes.

Trust me, a woman is the only person who's going to bring Albert back.

And what if your plan backfires?

How would it? He could fall in love with her.

Don't worry, this is Albert we're talking about.

Yeah, sure, she might arouse his interest, but she'll never fully

satisfy. It's homegrown bitches like this that men want to marry.

For the second time, this is Albert we're talking about.

Exactly.

Look, I'm sorry.

I can't do this anymore.

Angela, you're on your own.

Hmm. You really think you'd look good in that or what?

No, no. I just can't get over how ugly those shoes are.

Look, is Angela still getting you to follow me?

She just wants to know you alright.

Well, do I look alright?

She wants to see you for herself, you know, face to face.

I dated Angela for a maximum of, what, two months?

I don't understand why she's got a private eye tracking me down. She says

you've known each other for years.

Yeah, no.

Look, I'm flattered that she still cares about me, but I'm just not worth it,

okay? She's wasting her time and money on me.

I agree.

Personally, I don't think that you're worth all this. It is Christmas.

That's enough to bring the crazy out in most people.

Sure is.

And I happen to offer exceptional value for money.

I'm quite good at what I do.

Sure you are. That's why I spotted you immediately.

Listen, some things change, all right? Or some people try to change, at least.

She needs to move on.

Maybe a simple conversation, just to help her to understand.

And maybe I wanted you to see me.

I wanted you to initiate this conversation so that I could talk you

around into seeing things my way.

Look... Can I have a card, please?

Stop following me, all right, Carl? Yeah.

I'll think about calling Angela, but I'll call you, yeah?

Oh, and you totally rock out that dress.

Was there ever any doubt?

Fancy dessert?

No. You ready to go?

Back to yours.

I'd really like to go back to yours tonight.

Sorry.

What do you mean sorry?

It's Saturday night.

I don't care if it's a Saturday night. I'm tired.

I'm not in the mood.

If you push me too far away, I might not come back.

You don't answer your phone, you don't reply to your emails.

Sorry, I was getting your Christmas gift.

Oh, thank you.

How'd you get on?

Did you get any pictures?

I got better.

I had another chat with him.

What?

He spotted me a bit minutes.

How?

Because I wanted him to see me.

I had the plan all set.

Honestly, it was a thing of beauty.

He was going to see me, come up, we'd have a chat, and I was going to give him

the whole speech about what... You were following too close again, weren't you?

He approached me, we had another conversation about Angela Place.

He said he'd reconsider talking to her, and he took my business card.

And you didn't carry on following him?

He spotted me.

I couldn't continue to follow him.

You follow people all over the city for weeks on end, and this guy spots you

straight away.

Yeah, I'm so disappointed, babe. I did the best I could.

I wouldn't worry about it. because I'm almost certain he'll agree to talk to

her.

Okay.

I can't believe it's Christmas Day tomorrow.

Anything special planned?

I'm meeting my dad for lunch, and then Mike's got a surprise planned.

Well, I hope it's something good, because, you know, I'll only be happy

when my favorite sleuth has a merry Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas, Chrissy. Merry Christmas, Dad.

It's nice, that. Delicious.

Mum?

I'm in here, darling.

Mum,

come on.

Cheer up, it's Christmas Day. Come on, look. I bought you a tonne of presents.

I'm lost without his love.

How can you do this to me?

Mum, don't do it to yourself.

I can't go on.

I've given my whole life to him.

I have nothing left.

Has he called you?

Maybe yesterday.

Mum, I was with you all day yesterday. When did he call?

Oh, last night.

I want to speak to him. Did you tell him to call me?

I don't remember.

Mum, I'm serious. I need to talk to him. Did you get his phone number? Look, I

don't want you ringing there. That woman would answer the phone.

Well, I have every right to call my father and have a few things to say to

him.

Look, I need you near me.

Please.

Maggie!

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie!

Oh, Merry Christmas.

Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.

Oh, Dad, lovely shirt.

You like it? It looks ridiculous.

How old are your girlfriends?

What, 25, maybe 30?

I'm your father. I don't have to answer to you. The hell you don't. I want to

know who this woman is and what this relationship's all about.

None of your business. None of my business? None of my business?

My name is literally on the name of the business, Dad.

Don't fight with your father, Albert, please. It's Christmas Day. Look.

Look, he's brought us some presents.

I don't care about his presents. Mum, can you please go into the other room?

Don't tell your mother what to do. It's all right, Maggie. I brought you a

little gift. No.

No, no, no. You don't talk to her anymore. You talk to me.

You can't disrespect your father. After what he's done to you, Mum, really.

I'm not staying here for long. I just came to pick up a few things. That's it.

What the hell is going on here?

I mean, everything is fine, and then what? You just walk out the door one

day? After 37 years?

Look, you won't understand this until you reach my age. And it's not about

Maggie, it's about me.

You know it's not you, Maggie.

This is a marriage here.

It's about a lifetime commitment, Dad. Oh, really?

Mr Expert on long-term commitments, are you?

Oh, yeah. Well, at least I respect women.

Then why haven't you made a long-term commitment to one of them, eh? I want to

ask you something.

Do you actually date women?

Or can't they measure up to your beloved mummy there?

Who are you?

You're jealous.

You always have been jealous.

He always wanted all the attention. You see, you thought it was all wonderful

and perfect, didn't you? We used to go into our bedroom at night, lock the door

and row like cat and dog.

We did not.

We did not.

We were happy.

I was very happy. You were happy.

And you changed.

Something happened and you changed.

You changed. It was your fault. Not mine. Not Albert's.

And I'm not standing here and having you disparage 37 years of my life.

So you can take your things and get out of here. Come here. Go on.

I'm not going to have my mother sit here and cry while you whore about.

Look, I didn't come here to row. I came... Mum, look at me.

I know plenty of guys who want to take you out.

This is hard.

You're not going to sit here and wait for him.

Yeah?

Hey Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad.

Um, Merry Christmas.

How'd you know when I'd get home?

I was looking out the front window.

For how long?

Been here about an hour.

Oh, don't do that. Go, go, go.

It's the wine, all right.

Yeah, it's fine, thanks.

You drank the whole bottle?

Happy Christmas.

Will you marry me?

Christine... Christine... I have... I have a present for you. I... no, no,

no... I... I have a box...

I have a box... I have a box for you to unwrap.

I want... to unwrap...

I have a dick in a box.

No.

No.

No.

Thank you so much for signing up. You're welcome, I'm glad I finally have.

Keep up the good work. Take care, bye bye.

You didn't give me today.

Yeah, well, I finally resolved some problems.

Yeah?

Yeah. You know when there's something that's really pissing you off, but you

didn't know what it is until you actually resolved it? Mm-hmm.

Well resolved.

So everything's okay now, then?

Yeah, everything's okay now.

Sounds good.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello? Yeah, hi, Carl.

Yeah, yeah, I am.

I met with that person we discussed.

Uh-huh.

Can I come by the office?

Five, yep. Five's great.

Yep, perfect. All right. See you there.

Did I mention that I'm really happy that we met?

Are you feeling all right?

Make sure you have a favor to ask.

Ah, the truth comes out. Okay, go on.

Well, it's complicated. I'd prefer to ask you over a bottle of wine tonight at

my house. We could call it post-Christmas drinks.

Yeah?

Okay.

I'll text you later.

Okay.

Did you have a meeting with Albert?

I like this guy.

I could see you two together.

What?

You have absolutely no interest in this Albert de Grazia, world's biggest

womanizer. I just want to know what he hired you for.

He's hired me to tell his father.

Seems like his father's been cheating on his mother, and he wants me to help with

divorce proceedings.

Isn't that a bit park calling kettle black?

I don't know.

But that's been what all these phone calls have been about.

His mother.

His mother?

Yes, his mother.

She's been distraught over this.

He said that she's been in a terrible emotional state for weeks and that's

turned his life inside out.

No way.

Yes way.

So now we can set this thing up with Angela Pace.

I'll tell you what.

I won't charge you for the concert tickets.

Cheers for that.

So, tell me what you said word for word.

Well, it wasn't actually me that spoke to him. It was my business partner.

Right, so what did he say? Did he comment on Albert's reaction?

He basically asked Albert again if he would see you and this time Albert

agreed.

That's great.

That's great.

Right? Yeah, no. What do you think? It's definitely good that he agreed to see

you. Now you can see for yourself that he's okay.

Yeah, I mean I'm hoping for more than that.

Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up too high.

I think things have changed with him.

Yeah, I hope now he's a...

One woman, man, and we can be together.

I mean, this time, no sharing.

Okay, well, I've got to be across town in 20 minutes.

But is any evening next week okay?

Yeah, the 31st.

I just really want to bring in New Year with him, you know.

As a couple.

Okay, well, I'll be in touch. Okay, bye.

Thanks. Look, I really appreciate you coming by.

Would you like some wine?

Yes, please.

Okay.

Thank you.

Sit over here.

So, this is for you.

What's this?

It's a Christmas present.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, I thought of you when I saw it.

How did you know I collect snow globes?

Well, I broke into your house when you went there and looked around.

What?

Oh my God, you're joking. Are you being serious? I was joking.

You're so cute. Thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

I have something I want to ask you.

Okay.

Well, it's more of a favor really See I have this ex who wants to meet me for

New Year's Eve.

This is going to sound awful, but would you maybe Pose as my fiance to get her

off my back What I know it sounds bad, but I just She's a

lovely person and I don't really want to hurt her But we're only together for two

months you see and I just never um, well, I never called her back Oh, jeez.

Yeah, I just thought she'd let it go after a while, but she didn't.

So you're spineless?

Oh, man, that's so awful.

I just don't want to hurt her, you know?

Why did you stop seeing her?

Hmm.

Um... Well, I was seeing a few women at the time, and, look, I've seen the error

in my ways, trust me.

What ways?

How many women?

A few women.

Two, three, five, ten.

Well, I really, I don't think you want to know that. But look, I would really

appreciate it if you'd just pretend to be my fiancé.

No.

No.

I'll let that one go without an explanation.

Now, as far as this ex-girlfriend goes, one, I hate deceit. Two, I hate deceit.

And three, I hate deceit.

When you're involved with a person emotionally, you have a responsibility

to them.

And there's more.

Yeah, there's more.

Stop being a little bitch.

You want to be really nice about it, but it's really important that you say to

her, it's over.

Well, that's harsh, yeah. Do you want it to be over or not?

Yeah, yeah, of course I want it to be over. I mean, she's part of my past now

and... You owe it to her, to be honest. It's far kinder to just tell her the

truth. Say it's over and then she can get over you quicker and start to hate

you. Hmm.

Well, that's, um, what's the word I'm looking for? That's really... flawful.

Yeah.

Cheers. Cheers.

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past two weeks.

And I just think that we should make a go of it.

I think we work.

Don't you?

Angela, I'm sorry I didn't return your calls.

There's no excuse for manners like that.

I know.

I've just been really... I've just had a lot going on.

Yeah? Okay.

I'm really flattered.

I just don't deserve a girl like you, all right?

Albert, come on.

You do.

You do.

Because it's meant to be you and me.

Together.

We were made for each other, Albert.

We work.

Come on.

Just calm down.

A lot's been going on, all right, in my personal life. OK.

Well, talk to me.

Can I get something to drink?

Er, yeah, a rum and coke. No, no.

A Bailey's, for that.

No, a gin and tonic. Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Sorry. I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past two weeks, and I know... I

know that we were meant to be together.

You didn't think I was going to let you have all the fun, did you?

Now, look.

This is the woman who's caused Albert to go MIA, and now she's gone and started

cheating on him.

It's insane the love triangles people get themselves into. Oh, the lies and

deceit must make them feel important, I suppose.

Strangely enough, I still find it all rather intriguing.

If he wants to finish with her, why doesn't he just do it?

Stop, okay? I just want you to listen to me.

I'm going to tell you the honest truth.

What truth?

I'm in love with someone else.

I don't love you.

I'm still waiting for you to admit that you really like this guy.

What? I don't like this guy. It would be completely unethical for me to like this

guy. It's not professional.

Christine, all the years I've known you, this is the most interest I've seen you

show in a man.

It's business, Carl. It's not just business.

Hey, Carl. How's it going?

I'm good, baby. How you doing? Great.

Scotch? Nice.

Now, that's funny. That's my drink.

This must make us soulmates.

Soulmates, Carl?

Really? You believe in soulmates?

How are you doing?

Now that all this nonsense is out of the way, let me introduce you to my

colleague, Christine Mitchell.

The private investigator, right?

Carl. How could you? No, Christine.

How could you?

Go get him, Tide.

Look, I'm so sorry, all right? Please, just let me in. No, just get off me now.

Don't you think you're in the wrong line of business for someone who hates to

see? No, no, wait. One minute.

Look, when I was with Angela, all I could think about was you.

All right? It's like I could feel your presence there.

I told her it was over.

It doesn't matter. It does to me.

I was hired to find you, and it's completely...

Hi Maggie, it's me.

I've got your little present.

Favourite colour?

Try it. Just try it.

In.

It's in. Inside.

Come on. Just try it.

Wow. Look at that.

Eh?

Do you like it?

Yeah?

Look. Can I come in just for a second?

Please.

I'm sorry.

Please.

Reason, escape routes, to leave them, is I selfish,

letting you choose when you had everything to lose.

Oh my Melanie Jane, oh my Melanie

Jane, oh my Melanie Jane.

Cause I want love like this again Cause I want love like this again

Cause I'll never love like this again Like this again

And you wanted a reason

of escape route To feed them things like selfish

That's when you choose when you have everything to lose.

And you wanted a reason, an escape route.

To leave them, they're so selfish.

That's when you choose when you have everything to lose.