Original subtitles

Playoffs! Playoffs! Playoffs!

For the first time ever, the Brovaries

are going to the playoffs!

Sick catch in the 8th,

they really ate shit on that dive.

Well, totally worth it.

But, uh, yeah, Jesus, I need a shower.

Oh, yeah, Joanne,

you can't be covered in dirt

and smelling like a greasy hot dog

for your hot date tonight.

- Whoo! - You have a date?

Yeah, you know, I'm just trying to get back out there.

Wow, that's great. Where are you going?

Well, actually, she's coming to my place.

I'm making her my famous fettuccine Alfredo.

Wait, she's coming to our place?

- Yeah? - So it's a booty call.

No, it's not.

She's just coming over to eat pasta.

Sorry to say, Joanne,

but an invite to the house means that she is expecting sex.

- Yeah. - Really?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Shit, okay. I gotta make a call.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Before you do that,

do you want to script it out?

It's ringing. I can't-I can't hang up.

Wait, should I hang up?

- Yes. - Yes!

- Hey! - Hey, Angelica. Um...

I...

Sorry I'm calling and not texting.

Um, I was just thinking maybe we could move this date

to the mall.

- Oh my God. - It's got a great food court.

Um, great. Okay.

And you know what? Um, since we're being honest,

I haven't been on a date in 10 years.

So if you're thinking about

like kissing or any other sex stuff--

- Coach... - Hang up! Hang up!

Hear consent is sexy.

And, uh, if we want to have some of each other's...

we'll need to discuss it.

- Okay. - Great!

Okay, I'll see you at the mall.

- See you later. - Right on. Okay, bye.

I think that went pretty well.

Joanne's gonna freaking blow this date

if we don't help her out. So, first lesson of the day,

how to play it cool. Okay.

- We're ready for you, Joanne! - Come on out.

Oof. You Angelica?

That's me.

Yeah, well, you're like just as hot as you were on Hinge.

Thank God.

Wow, the mall is just as sick as I remember.

Oh my God, stop.

Stop.

Boris, can you go tell the guy installing

the new lock to just keep it down for a minute?

Let me think. - Yes, I am on it.

What? Wait, was that bad?

It was a good effort...

Don't do that high five thing.

Guys, I don't know what I'm doing, okay?

I just tried to be cool and playful,

you know, like Toby McGuire.

And we feel that-- Um, Joanne,

I actually have a much better idea

than all of this stuff. When I'm preparing for a date,

I always listen to my sex playlist, you know,

so I can get my juices really going.

So why don't you take these

and, um, go inside the closet and listen to them?

- But... - But nothing!

You're gonna love my playlist.

There's a lot of really interesting information

that you're going to learn when you're going to listen.

Red alert, red alert, red alert!

Why are you being so weird?

Leanne and Roy are taking their engagement photos

on the field underneath that weird fancy tree.

- Oh, shit. - Joanne cannot see that.

If she sees them being all cutesy-wootsy

and Leanne in her long, slutty dress being all like,

"Oh, look how good my tits are, all hiked up to the heavens."

Then Joanne's gonna freak out.

She's gonna ruin her date.

I gotta see this dress.

Me too.

Whoa, those tits! It's like the longer you look,

the bigger they get.

How does keep them up there like that,

especially in this wind?

She must have used so much duct tape.

Boris, this sex playlist is just a voice memo

of you saying, "Baby butter time."

No, no, no, you didn't listen

to the whole thing. It's also a song.

I'm trying to make it the song of the summer.

It goes like this, baby butter time,

baby butter time, baby, baby, baby--

Nice, yeah.

Uh, what were you guys looking at?

Uh, t-the clouds!

There's supposed to be like a crazy storm tonight.

Oh, yeah. Tornado warning and everything.

Hi! - Surprise.

Yeah, you caught me at my day job.

I am literally dying to tell someone

that I have a boyfriend

and that I'm so in love.

He got me a rescue cat, and I named her Mom.

Look, she's so cute.

He's so cute.

Anyway, the, uh, new lock is good to go. Oh.

Who would like to hang on

to the fob? I gotta give one to every team.

Fob? I don't trust that shit.

Yeah, I hear ya.

I don't really like this technology stuff either.

Classic keys are where it's at.

Zari, do you wanna take it? - No, no, no, I'll take it.

There you go. Hey, it's Joanne, right?

I've heard so much about you-- - Okay,

thank you so much. It's so nice to see you.

Huh.

Okay, um, yeah, I'll see you later then.

Have a great day, sir.

- Bye. - See ya.

Who's that?

I will tell the rest of the team eventually.

I just don't want to impose with my hetero joy

on such a queer space.

Especially when everyone else is so single

and depressed.

I don't know, some guy I met

out for a walk in the park the other day.

Okay, well, uh, I gotta get ahead of the storm.

I gotta get to my date. I don't want my hair wet--

No, you can't.

No, Joanne! I can't let you go out there.

The storm is so windy-dindy, it's gonna blow you all away.

Okay, Boris, that's fine. I'm good.

What? What am I doing wrong?

You gotta tap it.

- I did. - Tap it.

Guys, it's not working.

You gotta tap it longer.

Do that. Now. Tap it.

Nope.

Nope.

Oh, for crying out loud!

I told you that shit never works.

Guys, I'm not gonna be stuck in the damn field house.

Can I get a little help here?

Guys? Come on!

You know, Joanne, maybe it is an act of God

that that guy Zari is pretending not to know

is bad at his job and locked us inside of here.

If you guys don't tell her, I'm gonna.

Tell me what?

Leanne is pulling some psycho ex-girlfriend shit,

taking her engagement photos outside.

She's taking her engagement photos.

On our field.

Sorry, Coach.

Mel, you need to tell her the whole truth.

What?

This is gonna be hard for you to hear,

but, um,

she's wearing an extremely slutty dress.

And everyone agreed that her boobs look amazing.

- Like, amazing. - Like two buttery brioche buns.

Hold me back.

Because I'm about to fuck this door!

Ouch!

Yeah, we tried the fob.

We tried the fob many times.

Uh, how long until the fire department gets here?

Well, actually, do the fire department guys

know medical stuff? Because I attacked the door

and now, my bad ankle's acting up.

Seven to eight hours!

- What? - Seven to eight hours?

Uh, yeah, yeah, no, I know there's a storm.

It's just that is a long time to wait. I...

I am calm. I just...

Okay, uh, can I leave my number or something, 'cause the...

Hello?

Seven to eight hours until the fire department

can come to save us?

Yes. And I'm definitely gonna miss my date now.

Me too.

You have a date?

It's not a date yet,

but I did ask the hot goth hostess

who works at the public glass

if she wanted to go look at gerbils at PetMart tonight.

That is really brutal, man.

I'm-I'm sure she really wanted to do that.

Hot goth date this, hot goth date that.

I'm starving!

I haven't eaten in three to two hours.

Yeah, Boris is right, this is now a survival situation.

Who has rations?

- I do. - You do?

- Yes. - Thank God, Ann.

- Yes. - Let's have a yum-yum.

I have been saving this bad boy for...

a rainy day. - What?

Smoke 'em if you got 'em, right?

Hot box this joint.

I think this is the perfect opportunity for Lee

to find out what women really want.

It's not gerbils?

Ah! Maybe this tunnel will lead to some food.

- Shit! - What?

My phone died and I was texting my...

friend to come help us get out.

Your friend?

The one who was, uh...

putting the lock

on the door? - Yeah?

Zari, if you are witness protecting him,

you can tell me. I can keep a secret.

Please don't say anything, but he's my boyfriend.

- Oh, shit! - Shh!

Wow!

Great work. He seems so hot. - I know!

Not very good at his job, but you know.

Why were you pretending not to know him?

Did he do a crime?

No, no. I just wasn't ready to tell the team

because I was worried everyone might be a bit judgy

'cause he's, well, you know...

What? We've got food!

Oh, my God... Okay.

Ah, sorry, my hunger brain.

Um, where did you meet him?

Apocalypse chips! - In a play.

He was my younger brother.

Your younger brother?

We sort of lost touch when we were teenagers,

but then we ran into each other last fall and...

everything just sort of clicked.

Okay, wow. Good-good for you.

Let me show you a photo of us and Mom.

Oh, my God. They're so cute.

Your mom?

Damn it, I forgot my phone died.

That's too bad. I...

was really looking forward to seeing a picture

of your mom and your, um...

- Another time um... - Okay.

Can you just leave this between us

for now just until I'm ready to tell the rest of the team?

Yeah.

- Thank you. I'm so in love. - Good man.

- Shh! - Yep.

Lee! You're just supposed to have one.

This is the only food we have for like

seven, eight hours. - Lee!

Sorry, I got too high.

Hot Goth Hostess text you back or what?

No. Doesn't even matter.

She's not gonna love me.

Shit, she texted me.

I can't read it. Can someone read it for me?

Give me, give me, give me, give me.

"Come over."

Ohh!

- Oh, shit! - Lee!

See, I told you, Ann. Chicks dig gerbils.

- Buddy. Buddy. - Uh, Lee?

Fuck!

Hey, it's okay. Just text her.

Maybe she'll be up in seven to eight hours.

No. If the Hot Goth Hostess is horny now, she's horny now.

Who says she's going to want to freak with Lee

in eight to seven hours?

Okay, take notes.

Especially you, Joanne.

You gotta gamify it. Okay? - Oh, yes.

This is the thing I do when I set up

two dates at the same time by accident.

Okay, you text one of them, you tell them to wait for it.

You make it a sexy game, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah, that is hot.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Uh, it could work. Lee?

Would you do the honors?

Okay.

Give me your phone.

Okay. Um...

"I want you to wait for it.

Don't you dare touch yourself."

Whoo!

"I'll see you in seven to eight hours, baby girl."

Nice. Yes.

Zari!

Zari is full of surprises.

Okay. Oh, she texted back.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, uh...

"Sorry. What?

You said you could unclog my sink for me."

Oh, my god.

Oh, I said I would do that. I said I would do that.

Okay. Okay. I can walk it back.

Um... "Oops, this is Lee now.

My phone was kidnapped by a big bald man

who looked very roided out."

Do you like that?

Does that work?

You guys know I'm a virgin, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah, brother.

Whoa. Shit!

- Hello? - Did you hear that?

- We're stuck. - Oh, my God!

Help! - Hey!

Hey! We're in here!

Oh, God.

Leanne. Joanne?

I'll get the door. No!

I don't understand. It can open from the outside,

but not from the inside? - Uh, maybe because

some dumbass man installed it wrong.

Uh, Mel, just because he's a man

does not mean that he is a dumbass.

Right, Zari?

Anyway, it's a good thing that I'm a tech guy.

I should be able to figure this out.

Roy! You own a tech company.

You can't fix shit.

You couldn't even connect our router.

Don't miss that.

Guys, there has to be another way out of here.

Did you check the bathroom?

Everything is locked in there. Locky, locky.

Oh, is this vent locky, locky?

Ha! I can fit!

Whoa, I don't think that's a good idea.

Are you saying you don't think I can fit?

No, no, that's-that's not what I'm saying at all, babe.

That's basically what you said--

No, no, I'm not. And wow, you're gonna go in feet first.

- Ha! I'm almost in. - You are?

- Yeah! - Wow, that's amazing.

Oh, my God, yeah, yeah, just get a little further.

Shit. Shit!

Oh! - Oh.

My foot, like it's stuck on something.

- Okay, okay! - Help me out!

Yeah, yeah, I got you.

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Ow, stop, you're gonna rip my arms off!

I don't know what to do.

- Fix it! - Okay, okay. I don't know.

Can I have some privacy, please?

Don't worry, Leanne,

the fire department will be here in six to seven hours.

I can hear you laughing!

Um, does anyone have a stick of butter?

I can grease your thighs and I can just pull you out.

You seriously have to stop gaslighting me

into thinking that I have fat legs.

- No, babe-- - No, no,

I saw you looking at them in Banana Republic!

Um, did someone say butter?

Because Leanne, I would actually love your musical opinion,

uh, on this new pop hit track that I wrote.

It's called Baby Butter Time. It goes like this.

Baby butter time, baby butter time,

baby, baby, baby, baby, baby butter time.

Baby butter time, baby butter time,

baby... butter...

time... - Go away!

No, leave me alone.

Leave me alone! Out!

- Okay, okay, okay. - Okay, me too?

Yes!

I'll be in the closet.

♪ Baby butter time baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby baby baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time Baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby baby baby butter time ♪

Boris!

♪ Baby butter time ♪

Boris!

♪ Baby butter time, baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time! ♪

Boris!

- Am I hot? - Yes.

Do I have big tits?

- Yes. - Yeah.

Angela Merkel?

Nope, but really close.

Barefoot Contessa.

Okay, Mel has a type.

What? Hot?

You guys, mall date Angelica just texted.

Ooh!

"Rain check during a storm warning, I love it.

Reschedule for tomorrow at Maison Jean-Louis?"

Maison Jean-Louis, that place is fancy.

Yeah, like I heard they have some crazy dress codes.

Yeah, their website says no sneakers.

Well, I have to cancel.

- No! - No!

Let's just do another practice date, but like bougie this time.

- Yes! - You guys, I'm not doing

a practice date with Leanne in the other room.

She's sleeping.

Oh, my God, I don't know how Leanne can be asleep

with her ass stuck in the vent like that.

She can actually sleep anywhere,

it's an adorable quality. Hey, did I hear

that you're going to Maison Jean-Louis?

Pro-tip, do not let that sommelier

bully you into the Pinot Noir,

because that Malbec will leave you on cloud wine.

Yeah, so there you have it.

She can't hear us.

So, um, who would like to volunteer

to date Joanne this time? - Oh!

Maybe someone with a bit more experience?

Me? No, no, no,

too close to home. It'd be like dating an uncle.

Uncles, you know, they've got a bad reputation,

but if it's consensual, you know, is it that bad?

It's not even a real date, it's just practice.

Come on. - Oh, just practice.

Then maybe you should do it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Sit down. - Yes, yes.

Okay, let's set the scene here.

There you go.

There you go.

Welcome to Maison Jean-Louis.

To begin, we have an amuse-bouche of artisanal,

sweet jalapeno crisp with a piquant finish to share.

We don't have anything else, so please don't order any more.

Thank you so much.

This looks wonderful.

Enjoy.

And this place, gorgeous.

I was a little bit worried about the dress code,

but honestly, nobody's even mentioned

the grass stains on my ass.

Well, a girl that isn't afraid to break a dress code?

Nothing hotter than that.

Stop, you're making me blush.

Mmh, don't worry, I can only be smooth

with pretty girls for like 30 seconds

until I short-circuit, so.

- Ooh. - Well, I don't believe that.

Well, stop encouraging me

with that adorable laugh.

You're making me...

weirdly comfortable.

Okay, Joanne, your shitty flirting

is making me physically sick.

And Sasha, you should probably know,

I'm just telling you this,

as a friend that your new girlfriend,

it wasn't very long ago that she came home

from getting a haircut from you and told me that your face

looked like a cheese grater.

And you gave her an ugly ass bowl cut.

Which to be fair, you did.

Cheese grater, huh?

I did not say that.

Leanne, you lying-- - I've been thinking,

"What does a cheese grater face look like?"

ever since you said it,

so I didn't make it up. - I never said that.

Well, I did give you that bowl cut.

Yeah, but it grew in cute, kind of.

Oh, no it was not.

And after you date Joanne for more than a month,

you'll know how insecure and needy--

- We're not dating. - What?

We're not dating.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

That means you are literally pretending to date

to make me jealous, which is so pathetic.

You know what's pathetic?

Uh, getting engaged three months after ten years of saying

that getting married is a publicity stunt

for boring and ugly people.

Yeah, maybe I was afraid it would get ugly and boring

after years of just begging for an ounce of attention.

I paid for your musical theater degree.

Hey, ladies, let's not fight, okay?

Shut up, Roy!

Zari?

Oh my God, don't shut the door!

Don't shut the door! - Yes!

- Peter! - Keep the door open!

- Oh my God! - Thank you for saving us.

- Oh, you came back. - I had to.

I got home and then I realized I'd forgotten

to activate the indoor fob sensor.

I'm really sorry. - No, I'm sorry.

My phone died so I couldn't text you to apologize

for being weird earlier. And, oh.

Aww.

Um, guys, this is Peter, um, my boyfriend.

Hiya.

- Hi. - Sup?

Thank you, Zari, for that announcement.

Now I have one that I would like to share with everyone.

Um, when I was 12,

I, uh, had the French kiss with my cousin.

No regrets.

And Peter, uh, Zari is like family to me.

Any brother of hers is a brother to me too.

I'm sorry, what context are you using brother in?

There's more than one kind?

Yeah, sure, brother like black

or brother like family.

- Oh, the second one. - Oh, okay.

Um, ugh, somehow that's worse. You think we're related?

Boris, why do you think he's my brother?

Because you said that he was your brother.

In a play!

He played my younger brother in a play.

He's an actor.

What about the photo of your guys' mom?

And you being so secretive,

you didn't want the team to meet your lovely handsome boyfriend?

Our cat is named Mom.

And I was worried you guys wouldn't like Peter.

Why?

Because he straight and a man.

But Zari, I love straight men.

I've got a father.

Um, anyway, look, I-I stopped at a pizza place

on the way here. I've got plenty of pizza in my car.

If anyone's hungry. - Yes!

Pizza, coming my way. Yum, yum, yum, yum!

Fuck.

Hey guys, the storm's over.

Damn, the moon looks beautiful.

It has been a weird long day.

Yeah, my fault. Sorry.

Not hungry?

Yeah, I guess I'm still full from the chip

we shared on our date, so...

I'm really sorry about what Leanne said, that it's not--

No, no, no, it's fine.

We really do not have to talk about that.

Okay. Well, I had a lot of fun on our date.

Thank you.

Maybe I need you to be, like,

my full-time dating coach or something.

You do not need my help at all. You are great.

Okay, yeah, I don't know about that, but...

Hey, I'm really happy for you.

At least one of us is ready to get back out there, right?

Oh, you're not?

Oh, God, no.

Just seeing you and Leanne argue today

just reminded me how much I love being single.

Yeah. Hello?

Roy?

Joanne?

Maybe we could just leave her.

Anyone?

Hey.

You're eating my fettuccine Alfredo?

It's unreal.

It's a good thing Angelica didn't try it.

This shit's Mary Me Pasta.

Okay, tell me. How'd it go?

Good. Really good.

Yeah?

She laughed at my Austin Powers impression.

Nice.

- Touched my upper arm. - Sick.

Really into sports.

Why do I feel a but coming?

- It's never gonna work. - Why not?

Well, for one, I-I played her Boris's baby butter time.

- Mm-hmm? - And she said

that it was quote, not very catchy.

Okay. Whatever, deal breaker.

Yeah. Deal breaker for sure.

Yeah, it's gonna be the song of the summer.

- Yeah. Bigtime. - Yeah.

Mmh.

Who's that, your date?

No.

It's Sasha.

♪ Baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby baby baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time Baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby baby baby baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time, baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby, baby, baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time? Baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby, baby, baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time, baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby butter time, baby butter time ♪

♪ Baby, baby, baby butter time ♪