Original subtitles

You know how in vampire movies

there's always that scene?

The super romantic one where the woman begs

the vampire she's dating to turn her into one, too?

So they can be together forever?

So that we can be together forever.

Eternity is no small matter, my darling Liz.

Is it not enough that we lead a long and happy life together?

What was that?

What?

The throat-clear thing.

Oh, I was not aware.

Perhaps my throat is a little dry.

Lots of dust in these Austrian castles this time of year.

Ugh, it matters not.

See, Charles, even your quirks, I cannot get enough of.

I want to wake up to that throat clear

every morn and fall asleep in its warm embrace,

until the end of time.

Oh, Liz.

Do it.

But what they never show you is

what happens afterward.

I'm not talking right afterward.

I'm talking way afterward.

Oh, my God, would you stop doing that?

I know you don't need to clear your throat.

You know you don't have to.

The only reason you're doing it is because

you know how much it annoys me.

So sorry.

This is the story of how I met Charles and Liz.

But before I met them...

I met the woman of my dreams.

Yeah, I'm not feeling anything in his rectum.

Huh. Yeah, I really think he swallowed something.

It's possible.

It's also possible that you just want to ask me out.

Ex-Excuse me?

You know I have a degree? I went to school for this?

But word gets out there's a new cute vet in town,

and all of a sudden the waiting room is

filled with a bunch of creepers with borrowed cats.

Uh-huh. Um...

Uh, or maybe I'm just a good guy

that's concerned about his dog...

Yeah.

- ...that I rescued. - Oh, God.

You are good, aren't you?

Wait, why do you have a toy fire truck?

It's probably from the children's hospital.

I trained him to be a therapy dog.

Ugh.

Fine, dinner Thursday.

Emma and I fell hard and quick.

I had never been happier.

My coworker Benji was, however, skeptical.

Dude, she's not married. Stop saying that.

Well, something is very weird.

You've been together two months, she's never let you

- come to her house? - No, she's just messy

and doesn't want me to see her place.

Yeah, probably a lot of clutter and husbands lying around.

Huh. This is weird.

Some guy's been collecting social security

since the beginning of the program.

That would make him like 150 years old.

Huh. I wonder if he eats a lot of blueberries.

I've been reading that's very good for you.

No, Benji, this is obviously either a mistake

or some sort of fraud.

I guess I should look into this.

Well, I hope it's legit.

'Cause if that blueberry thing is true...

I'm golden.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Thank you.

Say, do you ever wonder what we're doing

with all this blood, Steve?

No.

Okay. See you again Wednesday.

Do you want to hang out or something?

- I don't think so, Steve. - We could go to the mall.

Bye, Steve.

Bro, we really need a more normal Craigslist guy

willing to sell us his own blood.

God, I miss feeding on humans.

Oh, you know why we stopped, Charles.

It's not nice.

You know what's not nice?

Never getting ahead at work

because we have to move every few years

so people don't find it weird that we don't age.

Also not nice: only doing it on my birthday.

Oh, wow. That's great.

Just mention that right in front of Jesse.

Ah, come on. We've all lived in the same coven for centuries.

Hardly any secrets between us.

I know that he shaves his entire body

and that this is all spray tan.

Hey, I'm a personal trainer,

and there are mirrors all over that gym.

If I don't spray, I'm just a tank top and a pair of weights

moving up and down by themselves.

Okay, I'm gonna go back to the kitchen.

Because I'm the only one who does anything around here.

This marriage is literally never-ending.

This will never end.

- Can't even get a divorce. - Mm-hmm.

Vampires aren't allowed.

Council of Elders would drive a stake through your heart

and chop you into a thousand pieces.

It is an out.

You see, this is why I only marry humans.

You have fun till they croak, and then you get a new model.

Right. How's that working out for you?

Eh, people are living a little longer

than they did back in the day.

Sweetie, have you seen my reading glasses?

They're on your head, babe.

Oh.

- Love you. - I love you more.

Aw.

I didn't do it on purpose.

You never do. That's not the point.

No, no, look, I said I'm sorry, Mort.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's the problem?

The problem is the only girl I like in the entire school

is in love with Henry.

I don't get it, Dad. He's not even funny.

He just stares off and says stuff like,

"There's so much pain in the world."

It hurts sometimes.

And we're twins.

How come he gets all the good traits?

Super strength, super speed.

I mean, I'm half vampire, too,

and all I get is: can't go out in the sun.

Hey. We are working on developing some of your powers.

Right? Plus, you can read the dog's mind.

- No one else has that. - Right.

Wonderful. What's that, Argus?

Huge news, everyone.

He's hungry again.

What does he mean "half vampire"?

Here we go.

Is that why none of you age? It's not just good genes?

Are you all vampires?

Are vampires real?

Mort, what did I say about talking like that

in front of your mom?

- Now I got to wipe her. - What?

You didn't hear anything, Phyllis.

- Oh, hey, guys. How was school? - It was good.

- Yeah, it was fine. - It was fun. It was good. Yeah.

All right. Can we eat now?

- Yes. - In a bit.

How long does it take to pour blood into some glasses?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought we'd wait for our daughter

so we could eat together as a family

because some of us actually enjoy talking to each other.

Here she comes.

Hey, guys.

Sorry I'm late.

And now you know

what I would come to learn.

My girlfriend...

...was a vampire.

Oh. Did Steve have steak this week?

That blood smells delicious.

Mmm. Another triumph, Phyllis.

- Really. - Hear, hear.

- Scrumptious. - So good, Mom.

- Thank you. - Mmm. That was good, babe.

Mmm.

Charles, what is that marble bust of you doing in here?

I thought we said it was going in your office.

Fine, I'll move it back.

But I think it looks nice.

It's a statement piece.

I agree.

If the statement is that you're a narcissist.

- I'm sorry? - Huh?

- Huh? - What?

I'd like to make a toast to my boys

Henry and Mort, who combined for 52 points

and 34 rebounds last night, leading the Wildcats to victory.

We play games while...

the world is at war.

Dad, I know you're trying to be nice,

but everyone knows I'm not on the basketball team,

so when you say "combined"...

Still technically true.

I love you boys.

- Yes. - Salud.

Cheers.

Mmm.

- Yep. - Whoo!

- Ugh. - Mama.

You guys really love your tomato juice.

Mom, can I ask you something?

Do you ever regret getting with Dad?

I mean, I wish I'd asked a few more questions

before rushing into the whole thing.

Like, I never even realized

that two undead people couldn't make a baby together.

But then a miracle happened,

and we came across this amazing little orphan baby girl

that we fell in love with and raised as our own.

And then turned into a vampire without asking her.

To save you from diphtheria. You're welcome.

The point is, no, I do not regret marrying your father.

I just wish things were more like how they used to be.

Okay, so why don't you work on your problems

instead of sniping at each other all the time?

I would love to work on things, Emma.

I've been trying to get your father to go back

to therapy again, but he hated the first time.

I have to say, I am feeling

rather blamed right now, Dr. Freud.

You just keep taking her side.

That's enough for today.

This week, be kind to each other, yeah?

And, Charles, try to suppress

your desire to sleep with your own mother.

He keeps saying that.

Why does he keep saying that?

So, I have to finish up

this one work thing, and then I could

swing by after and pick you up for the movie?

Why don't I just meet you there?

Okay, Emma,

what is going on? I mean,

why won't you ever let me come to your house?

Married. She's married.

Whatever you're hiding, you don't have to be afraid

- to tell me. - My family,

we're just different.

I'll understand. I promise.

Okay, Max.

The truth is...

- ...we're Canadian. - What?

- Why would I care about that? - It's not you.

It's my father.

He just won't like me dating someone...

- not like us. - Okay.

You want to wait, we'll wait.

But when they finally meet me,

I promise you they're gonna love me.

All right, I got to go.

I'll see you later, you hoser.

What?

Can I help you?

Hi. My name is Max Marshall.

I'm a criminal investigator

with the U.S. Social Security Administration.

It's come to our attention that a, uh,

Jesse Blythe, listed at this address,

has been collecting benefits since 1935.

Is that weird?

It's probably just a clerical error,

but I'm gonna have to speak with all of you

- and ask you some questions. - Yeah...

Actually, you will now be on your way

because everything is fine.

Right, that's what I was trying to determine.

Why did you do that thing with your hand?

Does that only work on weak-minded people,

or is my mom weak-minded because my dad does that to her so much?

It's a little of both.

Obviously, it's a misunderstanding.

Jesse is a young man.

Uh, do we really need to jump through these hoops?

Look, I don't want to be here

any more than you all want me here.

I mean, I'm honestly only doing this

to put myself through grad school.

I'm getting my master's in psychology.

Psychology?

So, you're sort of like a therapist?

- Well, studying to be one. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Hey, would you mind if my husband and I

were interviewed together?

And sometimes I feel like

Charles is listening but he's not hearing me.

So, to answer your question, three months.

We've lived here for three months.

Uh-huh. And-and what do you two do for work?

Well, Charles is in financial planning.

So you think we'll have enough for retirement?

Absolutely. The good news is

most retirements only last 20 years,

and then you get to die.

Get to die?

Do not take that for granted.

And I am a professor of history at Seattle College.

Although Charles isn't supportive.

In fact, he's against the whole idea of a woman working.

I'm sorry, it was just unheard of where I grew up.

In Cincinnati in the early '90s?

All I'm saying is I make enough money that it's not necessary.

Okay, tell us, Max, as a therapist,

who do you think is right?

Okay, again, I'm not a therapist yet.

And also, therapists don't really pick sides.

Can I tell you guys a story?

My parents love to dance.

They met at a high school dance, actually.

But as the years went by, they stopped.

Life got in the way.

So, for their anniversary, I got them tango lessons,

and it reminded them how they used to be.

Charles, Liz, whatever it was that you loved to do

when you were first together, rediscover that passion.

Find your dance.

But if you, like, had to pick a winner of the therapy?

I pick Liz.

- Yes. - Fine.

We done here? Are we good?

Yeah, so long as everything checks out with, uh,

Jesse and Phyllis.

I'm sorry.

Can you just go through the timeline again one more time?

Okay, well, we met in 1989.

We were both 28.

- Uh-huh. - I mean, I know

he looks young, but that's because

- he works out a lot. - Mm-hmm.

Right.

Lots of supplements. Like, a lot of supplements.

Exactly.

This isn't good.

He's not satisfied with these answers.

Well, I don't want to move again.

I love Seattle.

We really can go outside almost every day

because of the cloud cover.

I didn't want to watch that stupid Twilight movie,

but they really nailed it.

Aw.

She wants to be with him forever.

That's sweet.

- Don't do it. - Huge mistake, Bella.

- Get out of there, Edward. - Huge.

- Go for the werewolf! - Run as...

We're not moving.

We're going to kill him.

Are you out of your mind?

We're backed into a corner.

Plus, don't you miss hunting and feeding?

- Oh. - Oh, remember those nights

long ago-- the anticipation,

the chase, the blood pumping into our veins

as we sucked it up.

Pumping and sucking.

Pumping and sucking.

We did have fun.

That's it!

That Max fellow said it himself.

Find our dance, darling.

Hunting and feeding on humans-- that's our dance.

Wait, bro, you're not getting it.

Again, I was born on a leap year.

I'm sorry, there's just too many inconsistencies.

We're gonna have to open a wider inquiry.

We'll be in touch.

Hey, guys, I think I shorted you a bag of blood earlier.

- Not now, Steve! - Want to play some board games?

What the...

Oh.

So sorry about this.

You know, we're not really bad people.

Wait, are we eating him?

Let me go get the boys.

The-the boys? No. No, no, no, no, no.

You know what?

I'm-I'm dismissing this case. You guys are

totally good to go in the eyes of

the U.S. Social Security Administration. Don't!

What's going on?

Max?

- Emma? - Uh, you know him?

This is my boyfriend Max.

Max, these are my parents.

We're not Canadian.

Hey.

So, Michigan undergrad, right?

That's a good school.

I'm sorry, maybe I should go.

Can I go? I'd like to go.

Dad, you're not saying anything. He doesn't feel welcome.

Yeah, it's not just that.

What is it, the almost killing you thing?

Everyone said they were sorry.

What do you want me to say, Emma?

I don't want you dating a human.

And worse, you lied about it.

I knew you'd react this way.

Well, you were right. He's not one of us.

What about Ivan?

Dad, we broke up.

You can work it out.

He's got his own business.

- He's a vampire. - Who still feeds on humans.

Occasionally.

And even then, only the really evil ones.

He ate a guy for cutting him off in traffic.

They can't all be the worst of the worst.

Sorry, is this Ivan the jealous type or...

Okay, I would like you to leave now, please.

And if you say anything, we'll kill you.

Yeah. Uh, nice meeting you.

- Max, wait. Oh. - Uh...

I can't touch you now?

Sorry, Emma, I...

Today's just been a really long, really weird day,

and I kind of want to go home, okay?

I mean, I-I just found out that vampires are real

and that my girlfriend's one, so if someone could just

unbolt the door with their mind, I'm ready to leave.

Okay.

Very nice to meet...

- Thanks a lot, Dad. - I know this is hard right now,

but trust me, it's for the best.

Y-You don't get it.

I've been dating for two centuries.

I know how hard it is to find someone like Max.

He's funny and kind and close to his mom but not to the point

where it's weird, which is a very tough needle to thread.

Point is, I finally found someone, and you ruined it.

I am the head of this coven, and I have spoken.

You are being so unfair.

Well, life is tough and then you continue to not die.

Ivan had great hair!

Ivan ate the mailman, Charles.

And? We got a new one. Uh...

Hello, Max.

Liz, what-what are you doing here?

I think we need to speak.

Yeah, okay, sure.

Um, you have to formally invite me in.

Oh, that's really a thing?

I've seen the movies and stuff.

Please come in.

And don't worry, I won't offer you any garlic.

That's actually a very offensive stereotype.

Oh, sorry.

Look, I'm sure today was very traumatic, and I don't blame you

if you never want to see us or Emma again,

but I think that would be a huge mistake.

I have never seen Emma feel this way about someone before.

The way she talks about you.

Yeah. I mean, Liz, I'm crazy about your daughter.

And, honestly, I-I could maybe even get past

the fact that she's a vampire.

I mean, do you know what it's like out there on the apps

for guys under six feet?

Haven't dated since the 1500s,

so sort of just missed the whole apps thing.

Right.

All that aside, it's just...

It's Charles.

I mean, he said he was gonna kill me,

so that kind of seems like...

an obstacle.

Max, I know this man.

He's from another time.

He sees you as weak and modern.

He expects you to cave to his threats,

but he'll respect you for not giving up.

Trust me.

And if he, like, tries to murder me?

I'll make sure it's quick and painless.

- What? - I-I mean, I'll stop him.

I will stop him.

Right.

Telekinesis

is all about clearing your mind

and making the object go where you want.

Wow.

Now you try.

Concentrate.

You got this, buddy.

- It's too hard. - No, no, no, no.

I think it moved a little.

Come on, Dad.

Hey, powers don't always just happen.

You have to work at them, and I believe in you.

- Thanks, Dad. - Of course.

What's that, boy?

Well, that's just not very supportive, Argus.

Charles?

It's me, Max.

There's something we need to discuss, so let me in, please.

Okay, you know what? I invite myself in.

Or wait, that's not a thing. Sorry. Uh...

The point is, we-we need to talk.

He won't go away.

He's like the plague, which I witnessed and preferred.

Oh, hi, Max!

What a surprise to see you!

Come on in.

Charles, Max is here.

I thought I made myself clear you should not come back here.

You did, but I am standing up to you,

which I believe might impress you.

That was a severe miscalculation.

- Really? - Come on, Charles.

It was pretty brave of him to just show up like this.

It doesn't change the fact that he's human.

I may have a solution.

What if we make Max a vampire?

- Are you insane? - No, that's not a bad idea.

It's sort of a win-win. Everybody gets what they want.

Uh, yeah, I don't really want to be a vampire.

- Max, please, stay out of this. - I don't want him

- to be one either. - Uncle Charles,

you said him being human was the whole problem.

I was being nice.

You all want me to say it? I don't like him.

And being stuck with Max forever?

Not the solution I was looking for.

Yes. You got this, Mort.

Come on, come on. Move, damn it.

What about your daughter?

This should be about what she wants.

At least let them date.

Why is this so important to you, Liz?

Because we used to be Max and Emma.

Don't you see that?

What are you talking about?

When we started dating, the head of your coven

forbade you from seeing me, but then you stood up to him.

Because back then, you believed in love.

I know eternity has not been easy,

but I thought...

...I hoped that deep down maybe that Charles was still in you.

But I guess I was wrong.

Liz, wait.

If it's really that important to you...

...I guess...

- ...they can keep dating. - Seriously?

But if he hurts her in any way, we eat him.

Sure thing, Charles. You got it.

- Wait, what? - He's kidding.

Not kidding.

And there you have it.

It was a real-life happy ending.

That is to say I was happy right when it ended.

Let's go! Come on!

Move it! Move the pencil!

Come on, Mort! Let's go!

Max?

Are you okay, Max?

Oh, my God, my bust!

Oh, no!

Where the hell did that come from?

Mort moved it with his brain.

All the way across the damn house!

My boy!

I was just trying to move a pencil.

I mean, we have to get him to a hospital.

- There's no time. - I think he stopped breathing.

Hey, what if we turn him into a vampire?

That would fix this.

What do people think of that?

- He might pull through. - Charles.

I already said yes to the letting them date thing.

I mean, that's a lot of growth for one day.

Please.

Fine.

And that's how I joined my new family,

the day I died.

Or, I guess, technically they made me undead.

You're doing the right thing, Charles.

This is the man I married.

Thanks, Liz.

Has it been smooth sailing?

Not always.

But all families have their problems.

Our problems just happen to last...

forever.

Oh, my God!

Why is that man lying on the ground?!

I got this.

Why does Charles have fangs?!

- It's okay, baby. - What is happening?!

It's okay, baby. Come here.

- What? - Come here.

Phyllis, you didn't see anything.

Oh, hey, sweetie.

- How was the gym? - Oh, it was so good, thanks.

Aw.

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