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Somebody broke in.

Fuck me.

Did you lock the door?

Of course I did.

Really?

Fucking now?

Hey!

Fuck.

Splendid.

What do you got?

Um, just lots of beans so far.

Pineapples, lots of bullshit.

They got your favorite.

Scotch.

Applesauce.

Wanna trade?

Trade.

All right.

Hello, we're not in right now.

But please leave a message, and have a great day.

Daniel, I know you're there.

Just wait for me, please.

I'm coming right now, OK?

I'll be there in 90 minutes.

Don't do anything until I get there.

Horse pussy!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Why does this always fucking have to happen?

Ugh!

Fuck!

It's your turn.

No, it isn't.

I keep meticulous records.

The fuck you do.

Look, I'll go first next time.

That is my solemn vow.

Bullshit.

Solemn vow.

Splendid!

Yes!

Go right in.

So what do you think?

Private home, definitely.

Interesting.

I say rental.

No way.

Looky look.

Rental agreement.

How much?

7 grand.

What, a fucking month?

Not for long!

How about a little fire, scarecrow?

Wha-- whoa, whoa!

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm going to fucking kill you!

Son of a--

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh.

All right.

This isn't doing it for me.

What do you mean?

My frustration is massive.

We got to go.

Where?

Anywhere there's a female in residence, preferably

a drunk one.

You're dreaming.

Look, just because you only use your dick to piss

doesn't mean that I have to.

And where are we going to go, huh?

It's 3:30 in the afternoon.

My penis will lead us.

Fuck!

And how will it get us there?

Mm.

Look, I could just hotwire it with a gum wrapper.

No, I won't ride in this.

You know that.

Couldn't you just once refrain

from being such an impossible ass?

What if whipped cream tasted like mayonnaise?

That'd be weird, right?

Hello, ladies.

What are you drinking?

Who wants to know?

Benny Profane.

Charmed.

Mwah.

And I would like to buy you girls a drink.

For real?

All of your top shelf dreams fulfilled.

Seriously.

Whiskey.

That's what I like to hear.

Make it four-- two for them, two for me.

So-- ah, just in time!

This sunshiny individual is my friend, Bruho.

Bruho--

Kim.

Trish.

Trish.

Are you guys vacationing here?

We are.

It is a lovely town.

Ha, ha.

You really think so?

Mm.

Yes, quite squalid.

Are you renting a place around here?

We have some real estate investments in the area.

How come you're so generous, buying drinks and all?

Burning through my inheritance, trying to prove everyone right

about me.

What do they say?

That I am a solipsistic fuckwad who doesn't care about anybody.

You talk funny.

I sure do.

What do you do?

Cut hair.

I go to school.

For what?

Cutting hair.

Cutting hair.

Hey!

Somebody slashed my Christing tires!

Anybody in here know something about it?

Somebody must!

All right, man.

That sounds like an accusation.

We're just trying to have a couple of drinks in here.

I think if you go outside and look around,

you'll find the culprits.

No, sir.

That ain't going to satisfy.

Oh.

So anyways, cheers.

Is your friend going to be OK?

Yeah, he'll be fine.

Oh.

But you guys didn't really do anything, did you?

No, of course not.

Fossil fuels aren't going to last forever, motherfucker!

Bottoms up.

I can't believe you won.

It was more of a pyrrhic victory, if you ask me.

Is he going to be OK?

Yeah, he's fine.

You sure you don't mind driving?

It's cool.

So then I screamed, "I have sand in my cunt,"

and everyone laughed.

Haha, hilarious.

Is this your place?

Yes, although does something look different to you?

Where are we?

Our house-- do you remember leaving the lights on?

What?

Is that a problem?

You know what?

My house is much nicer than his.

I think we should go there.

What?

Did you guys, like, invent the internet or something?

The porn part, yes.

Wait, am I in a fucking car right now?

No, you're just having a nightmare.

Go, go.

I seem to have forgotten my keys.

What shall we do?

You know where the spare set is, right?

What?

The spare set.

Fuck you.

That's your position?

I mean, I'd really appreciate it--

Fuck you.

Final word?

No flexibility?

Welcome, welcome.

Sorry the place is such a mess.

That's OK.

Do you have anything to drink?

Plenty.

Why don't you make yourself at home

and I'll go fix us some drinks?

This is really his house?

Yeah, that's what he said.

Sure, whatever.

Are you guys in a band or something?

That's totally what I was thinking, too.

Here you go.

Drinky, drinky.

Ah.

Thanks

Thank you.

Cheers.

Oh.

What is this?

Ugh!

Didn't I tell you, I only drink peach schnapps?

You had whiskey at the bar.

Only because they didn't have peach schnapps.

You get used to it.

Ugh.

Oh, well, good thing I got this.

Ah, splendid.

I thought you only drank peach schnapps.

I'm willing to make an exception.

You guys are really weird.

So you got any other contraband?

This is it.

I've got ivory wave.

What's that?

Bath salts?

You snort them.

What's it like?

Speed?

Do you have enough to share?

Plenty.

Oh, boy!

That has a distinct high note of poison.

Mm.

Oh.

Ugh.

Oh, I swear it's putting a hole in my brain.

Mm.

Hey.

Oh.

Is that French or something?

No, I'm out.

I'm out.

I am fucking out!

What happened?

I guess he doesn't like me.

Yeah, he's got post-traumatic stress.

From Iraq?

Sure.

Should I go up and talk to him?

That would be ill advised.

All right.

Is there anything that I can do?

You can always share.

Share what?

You're really shit at this, you know that?

Fuck you.

Jerky beef, two plates, two high-quality porno magazines,

one roll inferior quality toilet paper,

toothpaste but no toothbrush, a Danish,

six-soon-to-be-five bottles of airplane scotch,

and somewhat inexplicably, a sponge.

For washing dishes.

All right, I'm going to sleep.

Hey, Fred.

What?

Steam roll!

Oh, f-- What a fucker.

Good night.

Best guess?

Teenage orgy.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

That may be more akin to what I hope is going on.

And there goes the main ingredient of that fantasy.

Ahoy!

Holy shit.

Looks like a bomb went off in here.

A vomit bomb.

I don't think they left us anything good.

I bet there's some tabs of acid.

Keep looking.

Oh, sorry.

For what?

Is this your place?

Yes, it is.

Who might you be?

Kristen's brother.

Who's Kristen?

Oh, I thought you'd know her.

She's, like, popular.

What's your name, kid?

Jaidon.

Jaidon, do you remember all those people

drawing all over you?

What do you mean?

Oh, shit.

The weird thing is some of it's not even in English.

There was some European dude.

What does that mean?

I would like a beer.

Awesome.

How much did you have to drink?

It's not the drinking that was the problem.

What was it?

They decided to dose my soda

'cause they thought it'd be fine.

Yeah, awesome.

They sound like really charming people.

Those are my sister's friends.

They all want to bang her.

Is she hot?

Yeah.

This isn't your place, is it?

Eh, it's a wise child.

What gave us away?

Can you give me a ride?

No car.

How did you get here?

Walked.

From where?

Nowhere in particular.

We are obliged to walk almost everywhere

we go because Bruho has an extreme aversion to automobiles.

I don't get it.

Time to wake the fuck up, kid.

I'm out of here.

I recommend rubbing alcohol to get that shit off.

Thanks.

Hey, where are you going?

Hey!

I was serious about that ride.

What do you think?

It's a rental.

Psh.

No way.

Private home.

Or rental.

Pfft, yeah.

That's good.

Holy shit.

It looks like you're right.

I know.

The fridge is fucking packed!

You won't believe what I found down here, man?

What?

What?

Motherfuckers have a fully stocked survival shelter

down in the basement.

Let's fucking rage.

How long do you think they

can survive down here anyway?

What, before they started eating each other?

Yeah, how long do you think the fucking Donner

party could live on evaporated milk and sardines?

Well, eight months, 10 if they rationed.

At least they would die happy.

Why?

What do you mean?

Their whiskey stores are extensive.

What was that?

I think there's somebody behind that fucking tree.

Oh, shit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sorry.

Why the fuck are you following us?

Ah!

I want to join.

Join what?

You guys.

What is it that you think that we do?

I don't know.

Break into places?

What?

He's a persevering little fucker.

I mean, we walked eight miles easy.

So what do you think we should do with him?

Come here for a second.

Stay right there.

I mean, having an acolyte might not

be the worst thing in the world, because he

could do all the shit work.

I like that.

So we keep him?

He has to pass an initiation first.

It's the only way I can do it.

All right.

What do you have in mind?

Come on.

Ready?

1, 2, 3.

Is that a fire?

No.

It's a fire, isn't it?

No.

Do you want to join or not?

I do!

I do.

All right, then shut up and don't fall off the board.

What?

Oh, my god.

Asshole!

Aw, come back.

You passed!

So how do you pick a house?

As in every real estate market, your chief concern

is always location.

What's the neighborhood like?

How recently has anyone been there?

Who might notice?

How do you actually get in?

Different ways.

What about alarms?

There they are.

Ironically, the houses that have signs

tend not to actually have alarms.

It's when there's no sign that you should worry.

Well, what about police?

We're not here by mistake.

The nearest authority of any kind is 20 miles from here,

so the reaction time sucks.

How do you know if a place is like a keeper?

Once you're safely inside, you can

tell pretty quickly if it's going

to be sufficient to your needs, what resources are there,

how long can you live off of them.

What happens if you get caught?

Don't get caught.

But what if you do?

Ah, hello.

So glad that you're home.

Remember Lord Chesterfield's maxim.

A gentleman can get away with anything

so long as he does it with style.

Just conjure up some semi-credible bullshit.

More often than not, they'll accept it

because the alternative is too frightening for them.

What do you mean?

I mean, they'd much rather think it all a big misunderstanding

than accept that they're dealing with a couple of criminals who

have broken into their home.

It's a form of denial.

Ah.

Cool.

The fuck are you doing?

Come here.

You ready for this?

I can do it.

All right.

Go then.

They grow up so fast.

Ain't that the truth.

Mm-hmm.

That is a sturdy technique.

See, that one does nothing.

He's quite stealthy for an rotund fella.

I'm just here to clean your pipes.

There you go, stealthy.

See, there's-- that one is.

Try the window.

Wild, man.

Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down.

Oh.

Ooh.

Ooh, that is not looking safe.

No, no.

This is where training pays off.

Shit.

What do we have here?

Uh-uh.

Yeah, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, no.

What the fuck are you doing?

Shit.

So what did we learn from last time?

Fools rush in?

Exactly.

Try a little finesse.

OK.

Round two.

Nice touch.

Good approach.

Trying the door.

You would be shocked how often those doors are unlocked.

But in this case, no.

No key.

Goes to the window.

Right, he's not fitting through that window.

What's this?

What have I found?

Oh, eureka!

It's not too shabby.

All yours.

Get to it.

Mm.

Did you guys find anything interesting?

$37.

Jaidon?

Something called OxyContin.

And this.

There was a machete in there?

Yeha.

Well, want to see something even more improbable?

Whoa!

Nice!

Come here.

Oh.

Yeah.

How.

What do you think?

Should we stay?

This house rules.

Should we stay?

Sure, fuck it.

Let's dance.

Yes!

What's that about?

It's just this thing.

Am I allowed to do anything I want?

I'd prefer it if you didn't stab me in the eye with an ice pick

or do anything stupid to draw attention, what

Bruho's doing notwithstanding.

So I could do this?

Yep.

What about this?

Absolutely.

Huh.

Liberating, no?

Yeah.

What are you reading, anyway?

A diary.

Whose?

Wife of the guy that owns this place.

Is it any good?

She's having some affairs, so there's

lots of extravagant sexual detail.

Oh, really?

Clits and cocks in great abundance.

Oh, well, read some.

"His is not at all like Hank's.

It's crooked, really crooked like a boomerang.

He also called me Janice in bed.

That's not even his wife's name, though I suppose it

shouldn't surprise me that he's done this before."

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Yeah.

Could I borrow it when you're done?

Oh, thanks!

Woo-hoo-hoo.

Did I ever tell you guys about that really tall girl I dated?

No.

She was so tall that when we were nose to nose,

I had my toes in it.

And when we were toes to toes, I had my nose in it.

Boo.

No good?

That just sucks.

I liked it.

I liked it.

All right.

Let's hear one from you.

OK, um, let me see.

OK.

If you woke up in the woods and you were bent over a log

with your pants around your ankles

and Vaseline on your butthole, would you tell anybody?

No.

Oh, yeah?

Do you want to go camping with me?

Nothing's funny to you?

No.

You tell one.

I'm not-- I don't fucking tell these jokes.

No, I don't fucking tell jokes.

Pussy, pussy.

Oh, really?

Pussy?

Pussy boy.

All right, you want one?

You want one, Mr. Funny Guy?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Mr. Funny Guy?

Yeah.

All right.

OK.

Guess what?

What?

Fuck your mother.

Mm.

You gotta be kidding me.

What?

What, do I look like fucking Henny Youngman to you?

Well, you get this--

it's a chance to tell a joke, man.

Like a chance of a lifetime?

Like I want to tell a fucking joke?

No, I just want to be--

See?

Now, that's good.

That's good.

That's the best thing that came out of anyone's mouth tonight.

I need to go to bed.

Where's that book?

Goddamn it, man.

This is all you think about.

I'm telling you, man.

This shit is good, man.

You'll go blind, Hiawatha.

What the fuck is up with that book?

It's not something you're interested in.

Oh, no?

Why?

'Cause it's all about fucking.

Oh.

Great.

Really great.

Fucking pussy.

I ain't scared of you.

Hello?

Hello?

What the fuck is going on here?

Goddamn it.

Who are you?

I might ask you the same question.

What?

Yeah, I need a name to give to the cops.

You're going to call the cops?

Yeah, maybe we should call the cops, huh?

Oh, OK, OK.

Hey, let's call them.

My name is Ronald Mader.

Hello.

I live across the way, and I know for a fact

that you don't belong here.

Don't anybody move.

Do you ever go by Ronnie?

What?

I think he's Ronnie the groaner.

From the diary?

Oh, man.

You banged this guy's wife, too?

Uh, no--

She really gets around.

Shut up.

You know you're not the only one, right?

I said-- shut up.

We got you by the balls, groaner.

All right.

I think maybe you should leave now.

Just, don't you stay here.

Oh!

Get out of here.

Ronnie!

You.

Ronnie.

Quick.

Ronnie.

Do you think he's actually going to call the cops?

No.

But he will certainly call Ms. Fucks-a-Lot.

Then we have to leave?

Yes.

Fuck!

Shit.

How old is it?

One or two days.

How can you tell?

Doesn't stink that bad.

Is he dead?

No, he's just resting.

All right.

So what do you want to do?

Give me a knife.

Gross!

Ugh.

I have a question.

Shoot.

I understand what you guys do, but not why you do it.

Well, sooner or later, everybody's

going to be living like this, or a lot of us anyhow.

I don't understand.

OK, you know about fossil fuels?

Duh.

And what about peak oil?

No.

What's that?

OK, well, the basic idea is that the world's petroleum

is going to run out.

OK, so prices will spike.

No one will be able to afford it.

And the world that you know will be over.

Because no one will be able to drive anymore?

No, no, no, man.

Fuck!

You see, that's just the beginning of it, OK.

Oil is in everything, from makeup to fucking tires

to fucking pharmaceuticals, OK?

So not only will things stop moving, but tons of products

will stop being made.

The entire fucking system will come to a halt.

And billions-- mark my fucking words-- billions of people

will die.

Or adapt.

I can't see any of that actually happening.

Is this based on fact?

Sure, man!

Yeah, it's fucking based on facts.

But facts aren't popular.

No, everybody likes opinion and rumor, and that sort of shit

is in.

Isn't there something we could do to stop it?

I wish.

Hmm.

No!

No!

Fuck.

Whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Hey!

Everything OK there, little chief?

I was up all night reading about peak oil on the internet.

And?

I think Bruho's right.

And you know what oil is in?

Fucking everything!

OK.

I mean, running out of this stuff is going

to be like the apocalypse.

Maybe.

Are you saying that's not true?

Not necessarily.

What I am saying is more like, so what?

So what?

So what?

All right.

If you know you're on the Titanic

and you can see that there's not enough room

in the lifeboats for you, why not live it up at the bar?

I guess.

Still sucks, though.

Indeed it does.

OK.

OK.

Is that a party?

Yup.

I got to go reconnoiter.

What?

I need to practice my French.

Should I come with you?

Under no circumstances.

Hey.

OK, I got a joke for you.

All right.

Do you know why Irish bean soup is made with only 239 beans,

specifically that much, no more?

No.

Why?

Because one more (IN IRISH ACCENT) would be "too farty"!

That's good.

You're a fucking idiot.

Boom.

So Fred here tells me what he does.

What do you guys do?

Well, wait, first, what did he tell you he does again?

Economics professor.

Right.

What do you do?

I'm an entrepreneur.

Really?

Yeah.

I invented the, uh--

the interweb.

Yeah, he's being an ass.

He's really my assistant.

Mm.

Jaidon?

Oh, that's my nephew.

Ah.

Uncle.

Hey.

So what are you doing?

Right now, I'm house sitting.

Not very noble, I'm aware.

Do you have any more beer in your house?

Oh, I think so.

Are you inviting yourself over?

Maybe.

Please forgive my nephew.

The only reason he started drinking during the day.

Ah.

Wait.

By the way, did Fred happen to use a French line on you?

You mean I'm not the first to hear it?

Yeah, I might have used it once or twice as an icebreaker.

Aw.

What did you say?

Translated it.

What does it mean?

It means "You've shaken the idle nature of my soul."

Stuff like that works?

Depends on who's saying it.

And to whom.

Greed.

Myself, something of a sap probably because my mom

died when I was young.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Mine, too.

I was six.

I was eight.

Where are you guys going?

We'll find that beer.

Where are they going?

They're not very seminal.

You sure you guys don't want a ride?

No.

Jaidon?

Um-- no, I'm cool.

Put your arm up here, in case you change your mind.

My powers are significant, bitches.

Now what?

Could eat some more cheese.

Plus, that would give us an excuse

to go fuck up that guy who was trying to kick us out, right?

That guy's huge.

I know.

Woo-hoo-hoo!

So naturally, I won the bet, and Stig was obliged to eat a shoe.

But no one ever did figure out who

vomited all those pine needles.

What's your place like anyway?

Why?

Are you picky?

I'm accustomed to the finer things.

Ha.

I think you'll like it.

On the outside, it's 18th century,

but the inside is kind of modern.

Plus, there's an art gallery in the basement.

Ooh, cultural.

Pretty avant garde show.

There's no market up here till the summer,

so the owner shuts down.

There's other places he'd rather be from January to May,

but he still pays me to mind the store.

So, wait, you have this place uncontested for another month?

Assholes of his impose sometimes, but it's rare.

You know much about art?

No, do you?

I can tell a Manet from a Monet.

That's something.

Do you have any bourbon?

Now, you sound like your nephew.

We are related.

Got a name for it?

Call it "Copernicus, fuck you.

No, wait.

Never mind.

I take it back.

You were right.

I'm coming."

Sounds pretentious enough to sell.

You think?

Anything's possible.

Oh, what the fuck?

I love a motherfucker!

Did you piss on me?

Stop!

Get out of here!

What the fuck?

Ugh.

So what do you think they're doing?

Who?

Dirty Fred and the girl.

Oh.

Are rubbers made from petroleum?

Yeah, absolutely.

And what about lube?

No question.

Shit.

Hello.

Oh, shit.

What do we do?

I'll handle it.

Hey there.

Hey.

Really great cabin, and the woods itself.

It's quite beautiful out here.

You guys relatives of these of these guys?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we know these--

grab the fucking bag!

The what?

The bag!

Shit.

All right, look.

Do you know how to get there?

No.

You're angry at me, aren't you?

She wrote it on your fucking arm.

Do you even remember that?

Yeah, I do remember that.

But do you remember her drawing a map on my other arm?

'Cause no, she did not.

You are so fucking pointless.

What do you want me to say?

I don't know the area that well.

You know what?

You're a fucking idiot.

Woo!

And you're a fucking dick.

You always drink at breakfast?

Whenever possible.

Makes the morning a much less odious affair.

Mm.

So when are you going to tell me what you and your friends

really do?

You still think I misled you.

I know you have.

Mm, that almost hurts my feelings.

Fine.

Why don't we talk about something simpler,

like where are you from?

Virginia.

Hmm.

You still have family there?

Possibly my father.

You know, I never did ask you what happened to your mother.

Do you mind if I ask you now?

It was cancer.

How about your mother?

Car accident.

Oh, do you not like talking about this?

No, it makes me a little uncomfortable.

Are you expecting anyone?

Mm-mm.

OK, I'm going to go check the window.

So stay.

Oh, you guys missed me that much?

Yeah, we were really concerned.

And we almost got caught.

Oh.

How'd you even get here?

Drove.

Drove what?

Bikes.

See what an uncompromising asshole he is.

Look, I already punched one guy this morning.

Let us in.

I'll have to check with the missus,

but your timing is especially sucky.

Go around to the side.

Oh, get rid of that machete.

What?

Just do it.

I'm coming back for it.

Mm.

Remember my associates--

Oh.

Bruho and Jaidon?

Hey, guys.

Hi.

Apparently, the power went out at our place.

There's a power outage?

Our place is very remote.

Hmm.

Well, you can stay here if you want.

That works.

No.

No, no, no, no.

Fuck that.

Look, we're not staying anywhere.

We're just here to get Dirty Fred.

Oh.

All right, fuck.

Do what you want.

I don't care.

OK, we got to have a conference.

We'll be back.

Your eggs are going to get cold.

Oh.

You're welcome.

Damn!

That rat has been talking trash about me all day, too.

Oh, dead eye over here.

Put the rat back up!

Put the rat!

Hustle!

When do I get to shoot?

Soon!

Just get back down there.

So how long are you planning on staying here?

Why, you ready to go?

You know I don't like to stay places where I'm invited.

It does feel somewhat peculiar.

So let's split, man.

Yeah, soon, my man.

Soon.

In the meantime, try to enjoy yourself.

I want to stay.

Ow!

Fuck!

Dick!

What, you want more?

All right.

All right.

What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies

and a girls' track team?

A tribe of pygmies is a bunch of cunning, little runts.

I had this girlfriend who was really tall.

And when we were toes to nose, I had my toes--

no, wait.

Oh, you tell it so well.

Wait, wait.

When we were nose to toes, I had my toes in it.

Is that right?

Shit, that's not right, is it?

How old is he anyway?

Our family is very liberal.

Plus, he's been depressed lately.

What?

Mm-hmm.

About what?

The end of the world.

You think it's coming soon?

Very soon.

Really?

Don't get into it with her.

Why not?

Because you wouldn't believe him if he told you.

You don't think so?

No, because normal people like you never do.

You refuse to believe that anything is possible.

You think I'm normal?

Yeah, I do.

And you're what, abnormal?

I guess so.

Well, you're certainly fucking rude.

Please forgive him.

I know somewhere in his idiot brain,

he's sorry for his behavior.

What is his problem?

He is an angry dude.

Well, is he?

Yeah.

Sometimes Bruho doesn't play nice with others.

Jesus.

I do, though.

I play real nice.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I--

Yeah.

You know, you might be a little nicer since I'm

letting you stay here.

I don't want to stay here.

Wow, you're just a dick.

Fuck.

Hi.

Hey.

That's OK.

You miss me?

Yeah.

Let's take this inside, huh?

No, wait.

There's people in there.

What do you mean, there's people in there?

There's people in my--

It's OK.

Get your hands off of me.

OK?

I'm going inside.

Do not-- do not do that.

OK.

All right.

OK?

OK?

Chill out.

Hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't ever fucking push a fucking lady!

Who the fuck are you fucker?

You're fucking crazy.

Get in your fucking car.

I'm going, I'm going!

And get the fuck out of here!

Asshole!

Jesus.

It's not over, dumb bitch.

You've been there the whole time?

Not the whole time.

So I haven't been entirely honest with you guys.

No shit.

The guy I'm house sitting for isn't just an artist.

Boyfriend.

Ex-boyfriend as of now.

What's his problem?

He's a drunk.

That's no excuse.

Hey, guys.

Oh.

What's going on?

We can't stay here anymore.

So what do you want to do?

Is she going to come with us?

No, she doesn't want to come with us.

Yes, she does want to come with us.

I think it's a capital idea.

Well, mm, where are you going?

We have no fixed destination in mind.

We're like hobos.

Pretty cool.

So I'm supposed to break in?

Is that going to be a problem?

Uh--

Hesitation is not a good sign.

Sorry, I just didn't believe you till now.

OK, now that you do, are you up to it?

I think so.

Good.

Now remember what we told you.

No Jaidons.

What's a Jaidon again?

Throwing a rock through a window.

That was only once.

No Jaidons.

Got it.

I still can't believe she's here.

Ah, she'll be fine.

I like her.

Whatever.

She's a tourist man.

Once things start going bad, she'll be gone.

She might surprise you.

Can we never use the term Jaidon again.

Not so bad, huh?

Don't get cocky.

All right, spread out.

Look around.

Nothing in there but books.

A glass dildo?

Got some eggs.

They still appear to be pretty fresh.

Codeine.

Ibuprofen.

Yeah, it's not a king's ransom, but pretty good

for a first house.

Aw, shucks.

It wasn't anything.

Bruho, say something nice.

Way not to fuck it up.

Faint praising cunt.

Jaidon, anything to add?

I mean, her track record is already better than yours.

Hey, I saved us from Ronnie.

And why didn't she have to do an initiation?

Hmm?

Good question.

What initiation?

Hmm.

You'll see.

What initiation?

This dildo is so veiny.

Gross.

Don't touch that.

Come back here.

Just touch it.

No!

Get out of here.

1, 2, 3.

Shit, this is intense.

Yeah, it is.

And hot, like fire-hot!

Shut up and stay on the board.

No, are you serious?

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god.

What are you doing?

You did it!

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Jesus Christ!

OK, so what is this, some sort of second initiation

or something?

No, it's just a game.

OK, who goes first?

Anybody.

It doesn't matter.

I nominate myself.

Ow!

Ooh.

Fuck!

All right, now what?

Now Jaidon gets to pick whoever he wants to hit,

but whoever he wants to hit gets to pick which shoulder.

Primitive, no?

Rather.

Ooh.

Nice.

Mm.

What, no one's going to hit me?

Pick a shoulder.

Oh!

Oh, Jesus.

Fuck.

That's how the game is played, my man.

And I get to hit whoever?

Yep.

All right.

Mm.

Move out of the way.

Is this legal?

No.

Ow.

It's not bad.

Not bad.

Yeah?

All right.

Who do you pick?

Hey.

Hi.

You're wondering about that?

Kind of hard not to.

It's because of petroleum.

I don't follow.

The world is running out of it.

Oh, you mean peak oil?

You know about it?

Yeah.

Is that why you've been depressed?

Is that why you think the world is ending?

Aren't you worried?

Well, yeah, I am.

But then I try to be optimistic.

There's other things to believe in.

Like what?

The singularity, for example.

What?

Well, it's the idea that somehow technology

is going to conquer normal human limitations.

So hypothetically, anyway, we'll be

able to solve problems that seem impossible to us right now.

You think robots will save us?

Yeah, maybe.

Before they turn on us.

I guess in the long run, we're fucked either way.

You know I like you, right?

I like you, too, all you guys, although I'm a little worried

about that one over there.

You know what he's said about you?

What?

That you're just a tourist, that you won't last with us.

Really?

Mm-hmm, yep.

Thinks you're soft.

But then, again, he's the toughest one of us all.

I wonder.

Who wants to go on a mission?

For what?

Vermouth.

I bet you these people have vermouth.

I second that.

You want me to go check it out?

Yeah, let's all go.

What do you even call this?

Oh, colonial or federal or American something.

How about ye old school?

You guys find anything interesting?

Mm-mm.

Just some personal correspondence.

Ooh!

Let me see that.

Hey!

Oh!

Hey, wait up.

What's that?

I don't know.

World's fanciest outhouse?

I know what that is.

Stop.

So, what was that supposed to do?

It encourages sweat.

The Fins invented it.

Fins?

Persons from Finland.

Isn't that where Santa Claus is from?

Hahaha.

Do you still leave out milk and cookies

for that reindeer molester?

No, I don't.

Oh, you waited by the chimney all Christmas Eve.

No, I did not.

And you cwied when there weren't any pwetty presents.

I don't need any pwetty presents,

nor do I need them anymore.

I'm a man, so not a child.

Thank you.

Your little back and forth getting pretty good over there.

I much prefer our little back and forth routine.

Oh, my--

Excuse me!

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm a friend of Stacy's she said we could stay here.

She did what?

Oh, I thought she told you.

No, she did no such thing.

Yeah, um, how long have you and your little boyfriends been

partying here?

Well, we just got here.

And these aren't my boyfriends.

OK, well, the party's over in any case.

Well, shouldn't we call Stacy?

Ugh.

In Buenos Aires?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it's not like we give a shit what

that little whore would have to say about it anyway.

Scott!

What?

I have two words for you--

Buenos fucking Aires.

Whose side are you on?

Do something!

All right, let's go!

Get out!

Get out!

Get dressed, and get out.

Come on!

Let's go.

Yeah, thanks.

And leave the towels!

They're Egyptian cotton.

Oh, my god.

They were reading our letters!

Oh!

Oh, honey, come on.

Let's go get an ice cream.

Shouldn't we call Stacy?

That was a real kick in the dick moment for me.

Such cojones.

Oh, I was just reading a letter from her.

They didn't even notice it was in my hand.

Awe inspiring.

You think so?

I do.

You are a badass of the highest order.

That's overstating it.

No.

No, it isn't.

You stand up to adversity.

You smack it in the face.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Keeper.

I'd take you home to meet my folks.

You mean your father, right?

Right, I mean my father.

My mother passed away.

She didn't die when you were 8, did she?

Uh, it was more of a spiritual death?

Ugh, god!

Yep.

What?

Yep.

What are you doing?

Come on.

Stop!

Ow.

Hey, Fred.

Jaidon, what are you doing in here?

Kicked me out.

Hey!

So he lied to you?

Extravagantly.

That's what he does.

What do you want me to do about it?

Nothing.

Then why are you here?

I saw you yesterday.

So?

I saw you, too.

In the morning.

And?

The others don't know about it, do they?

I don't even know what you're talking about.

How long have you been doing it?

Doing what?

Did something happen to you?

No.

You're not gay, are you?

No, I am not gay.

You're a virgin?

No.

Stand up.

Look, I'm not going to stand up.

How do I know you're not just doing this to get back at Fred?

You don't.

Stand up.

Take off your pants.

Oh, fuck!

What?

Oh, fuck!

What happened?

Ow!

Ow, ow, ow!

Ow.

Ow, ow, ow.

Oh, fuck.

Are you OK?

Shit, no!

No, I'm not OK.

Fuck!

She broke her ankle.

She broke her fucking ankle, man!

Oh, god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, no, no!

Can you hotwire it?

Sure.

So do it.

No.

Why not?

If you want to drive your new girlfriend to the hospital

so badly, you do it.

Jesus Christ, you're pitiful.

Hey, Jaidon!

What?

Can you drive?

I don't know how to.

What the fuck do you mean, you don't know how to?

I'm from New York.

Nobody knows how to drive.

Oh, fuck me.

You are kidding me.

Are you not going to drive on principle?

What the fuck do you want me to do?

Who doesn't even have a cell phone?

I have these many.

What the fuck.

No reception up here.

Ugh!

Fucking useless!

Mm, fuck, mm!

Fuck!

We went in a circle.

So why are we even considering this?

We need a goddamn phone.

This is a bad idea, man.

We don't have many rules, but this is definitely a violation.

Fuck, ow!

Fuck!

Are you going to be OK?

Yes!

Just make the call.

Is there anything I can do?

No, just don't--

I'll go look for some band- aids.

Fuck.

So how's your ankle?

Hurts like fuck.

Hey!

I'm ready for you this time.

Cops are on their way.

Holy shit.

Sit down.

Where are the others?

Huh?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the fuck is this, man?

OK, I just didn't think that anybody would ever really return

to the scene of the crime.

What crime?

Don't get smart, buddy.

We just needed to use the phone, OK?

It's an emergency.

Oh, I see.

This time, it's different.

Yeah, it is.

Yeah?

Yeah, OK, why don't you sit your ass down on that couch?

You guys think you can get away with anything.

You've been in another house around here, too.

I found out.

You trashed the car.

You have no idea what you're talking about.

No idea what I'm talking about?

I'm talking about if I put a bullet in any one of you--

Oh, my god!

Ah!

Ah-ha!

All right.

OK.

OK, OK.

It's OK.

All right.

You're going to be safe here, OK?

I'm going to go find the others.

OK.

Hey.

Hey.

You made it away OK.

Yeah.

Do you think I killed that guy?

I don't know.

Maybe not?

I think I did.

What do you want to do now?

Hey, asshole.

Hey.

I got Reyna, but I couldn't find Jaidon.

I think you may have lost her as well.

How do you figure?

I found this.

"Bruho was right about me.

I'm just a tourist.

Taking Jaidon with me.

His choice."

Fuck.

Yeah, I was pretty disappointed as well.

But I think the thing to do now is move on.

So you don't even want to bother to go looking for them?

No.

I'm not driving you anywhere.

What?

Oh, my lord, what?

Oh, my-- oh.

Oh, my god.

Oh.

Are you all right?

Are you-- oh! oh!

Oh!

Oh, no!

Oh, no, I don't.

What the fuck!

Fuck!

Oh!

Where the hell am I?

How do you even know where she lives?

I stole her driver's license.

How's it feel, anyway?

What?

Driving.

Necessary.

Hey, dudes.

Hey.

So I see you found us.

Yeah.

What do you want?

I came for the kid.

What did you come for?