Original subtitles

This time tomorrow, we'll be sitting on our own desert island, son.

We'll still be on a plane.

Oh, yeah.

D'oh.

Come on, mate.

Is it definite we've won, Dad?

Yeah. Well, it's good as, son. It's good as.

Dreaming of a holiday Not

too hot

or far away feel the sun

upon my face just

one stop sitting on an aeroplane

Two, three.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Keep off of that.

We just found out, mate.

We're closed for the night.

Yeah, I can't, mate.

You all right,

mate?

Yeah.

See if Mum's got tea on her.

Get a kettle on, Mum!

I see myself on a beach

See me shells splashing all around my feet

Flying...

Dad's willing us a dream holiday of a lifetime.

Oh, come and give me a kiss, little Bob.

Tell me you love me. I love you.

I'll send off so I can get me beauty sleep. Yeah, you need it.

Go away, Dad.

Get up, Katie.

We're flying off to paradise.

Don't lose him, little Bob.

Have you ever been abroad before?

No.

I was one of them blokes that would enter every competition going. What I

couldn't say in 12 words or less really wasn't worth saying.

But all we'd ever won was a giraffe-shaped bath mat.

But today, this day, I knew I'd won us the Atfield Recorder Dream Island

Holiday Competition.

I telephoned the editor, you see, when I got down to the last few, and he told me

today could be my lucky day.

Bollocks!

Hello? Yes.

Hello? Yeah, I'm hanging on for the editor of the Apple Recaller.

Yeah, I'm old.

Yeah, listening to Dire Straits while BT gobbles up my life in 20p coins. So it'd

be most appreciated if you could pass a message on to him for me owing to the

fact that I'm down to my last coinage.

Yeah, have you got a pen?

Yeah, it's... You ruined my fucking life.

All right? Have you got that written down? Thank you very much indeed for

your time. Bye.

I've seen message for you, sir. What are you talking about?

You ordered me to write out all your messages in full.

And can I just say, although I don't know this bloke, I understand exactly

what he means.

Come off it, Ma. I didn't order you, did I? I just said.

You know, you had missed a couple of important calls.

What's all this about?

Some bloke rang up, said that hung up. I wrote it down.

Verbatim. I'm having somebody for this.

Nobody calls me the C word and gets away with it.

Well... You've obviously managed to piss someone else off.

It's all right, I'm here.

It's all right, mate.

It's all right, we're going.

It's all right. Oi, oi. Didn't you hear me, mate?

Oi, I'm talking to you. Bollocks. Didn't you hear me? I've arrived.

Stick that ticket up your arse, mate. All right?

Get in the car, little bob.

Just there.

Do yourself a favour, mate. Don't get me at it, all right?

Come on, come on.

I was in the Falklands War, mate, dangling on the end of a winch from an

helicopter above a burning ship, so the likes of you have got the freedom to put

parking tickets on veterans' cars. I think not!

I wouldn't if I was you, mate. I wouldn't if I was you, mate.

You ain't me, Rambo.

Fascist! Oh, fuck-a-roni.

Any milch cannot be on a uniform.

Good lad, bring it here.

Dad's in charge, that's it, come on.

Come on, clumsy.

Don't worry, it's all right, good lad.

Hey, look at that. We're pigged up and ready for the pig out, eh? And

everything else can go hang, that's what we say, and we're sticking to it, eh?

Like the bacon to the pan.

Leave it.

Trapped by Mrs Thatcher.

We're never going to sell this place, you know that, don't you?

The right to buy.

What about our right to sell, eh?

Look at that.

Oh, God.

Robert, what are you doing?

I never won us the holiday, babe.

I never won the holiday.

Put your nose up there, why don't you? You stick your nose into every other

nook and cranny. It's probably how you've done your neck in your twat.

Good. Robert, come inside now. Come on. Little Bob, you stay away from that

fire. Get in here.

Keep away from the fire, Little Bob, and watch the bacon.

It should be us going on this holiday, not some fucking middle-class Ridgeway

mortgage, fucking old Tessa and Pep collecting interest rate, fucking

footsie-watching.

And what's a nicer?

You need a check up from the neck up, mate.

Well, you know what? These people, you see, they don't want the likes of us

staring out at their paper at them. It puts the punters off their breakfast.

Everything's bollocks.

Oh, is it? Oh, that's us, I suppose. Me.

No, I've been bullied by this, babe.

I know, but you can't keep... What?

Well... All the time. All the time you're relying on winning things.

I mean, it's when we win the Range Rover, when we win the Dream Kitchen,

when we win the poxy quality garden furniture.

That's all that's bollocks, Robert.

Yeah, but I wanted to take you on a summer holiday.

Oh, no, you did, baby, but you got down to the last few.

That's brilliant.

Yeah, but the rest of the world are going to be off somewhere nice.

And what are we doing? We're stuck here.

Here, we could always have a day out at Old Arlo. You know, that paddling pool

park. Oh, yeah.

If everyone else packing up their cars and summering down out of here.

I wanted to get us a bit of that.

To feel like we were joining in.

Dad, I think the bacon might be ready because the pan's on fire.

God, it's such a good feeling when I woke up this morning.

Of course, it would be lovely to win everything, but it ain't gonna happen.

These things don't. They do.

Just to other fucking people, that's all.

Are we having a lovely breakfast, family?

Yeah. Of course we are, because we're beautiful.

Oh, my God. You are!

Holy stranger! Is he going to start, Ange? If he's going to start, I'll go

home now.

I come round because I saw the smoke from my ass.

I thought you was on fire, scunge bollocks.

Oh, you're right, Mum.

Yeah. How many bags on you, Ange? Yeah, 20p.

I'm family.

Yeah, frigging, yeah.

You have to frigging remind me.

Do you want a bacon sandwich, Mum?

Yeah, go on now. A quid.

It's my birthday tomorrow, Nan.

Come round to help some people. It's my birthday tomorrow, Nan. She used to

raise me from last year, so don't think you're going to get nothing.

Scum!

Scum! What are you doing? We've had enough.

That's my priorities.

Why should we let you ruin our lives, Ag? You can't civilise people.

Oi, oi, oi. You say my family ain't civilised. Leave it, Dad.

Glass him, Robert.

Well, you aren't civilised, are you? Look at you.

You're animals.

You don't work.

You ponce off the state.

You claim every benefit that's going and you spend it on drink and drugs.

You swear and fight and all that and get pregnant and flush your chain all hours

of the night and now you're starting spying.

Turn your rose on. No. No, I ain't having it. Your family is everything

that makes my country shit.

You are the people we cross the road to avoid.

That's right, mate.

That's right.

Scum, huh?

We're everything and it's bad.

So bad, nothing matters.

I shoot you, you're just another body in a body bag.

Where'd you get that gun from, Robert? Robert!

I'm your worst nightmare.

No.

Please.

I'm just looking after it for a mate, you know, doing a mate a favour.

Doing a mate a favour? You're joking, ain't you, Christ?

Well, I know what I'm doing.

Jesus Hedge Christ!

What mate?

Just a mate, you know.

Bloody insane. It's not loaded. It's not loaded, everybody.

I ain't got to tell Doug the mug, that, am I?

You take it back, right?

As soon as you drop the kids off at school, you take that thing back and you

tell whoever, mate, to get someone else to do his dirty work.

I've had enough of this, Robert.

What? Everything.

Yours was the best, Dad.

Slogan.

Yeah, that holiday was ours, mate.

We'd been mugged.

Right. Go and get your shoes.

The Velcro ones.

I'm not spending all day doing up your laces.

Take it back, Robert.

Take it back now, please.

What? What?

Listen to it. The gun.

Oh, Will.

Chill out, Mum.

Look, I mean it, Robert.

You know, we're not that sort of... You're not that sort of person.

Come here.

It's alright.

I know what I'm doing.

You're not scum. I know.

I don't want to be one of them families people cross the road to avoid.

Yeah, the Navy and the Army wanted me to join.

Wanted me to box for them.

I've got a useful pair of fists on me, son.

Dad, they had a thing at my school. My year.

What thing?

The kids ranked everyone.

Put everyone in order.

There's 97 kids in my year.

Now come 97th.

You've got the ugliest kid in the year, Dad.

Well, who made that up?

Because that's bollocks. Mr. Barkham, a teacher. And then they're stuck on the

school notes board. Oh, well, there you go. Teachers. They'd be wanting another

pay rise next.

I mean, if they weren't any good at anything, they wouldn't be teachers,

would they? Think about it. I know what I'm talking about.

I keep thinking I'm the only kid in the world who can't do things.

No, you've just got loose joints. That's all. They don't make you... Stupid?

Exactly.

Now, go on.

And don't take no... You've got to toughen up a bit. I can't always be

there for you, mate, when you...

I can't stay at home with you today.

It's the last day of town. We've only got to watch a football match.

Well, aren't you in the team?

Yeah, right.

I was captain of the football team.

You're not going to choose me, are you?

But you've got to fight back a bit, you know.

Look, stand up straight, right? Walk like a man. Go on.

That's it.

Proper geezer.

Hi, Dad.

I'm all right. I'm all right. You go off and get on.

Come on.

97th?

I'll give these ugly shits 97th. I'm all right, Dad.

Who's in your year here?

I'm going to shoot them up.

Please, Dad. It'll only make it worse.

Look, look.

Don't tell your mum, all right?

Look, we're planning a surprise party for you tomorrow.

Why?

Cos it's your birthday, duck egg.

You fancy coming to give us a hand with the organising?

What, bunk off?

Never did me no well.

Can't I just, like, plug a cup?

No, Dad.

Come on, mate.

Tell you the truth, I ain't got any mates either.

But I've got me family and everything else is... Wallet?

Exactly.

Go and wait in the car.

I won't be a sec.

Where are you going?

I'm going to go and tell them you've got a dentist appointment.

Go on, it'll be all right.

Bit kiddy, aren't they, Mr Barker? What?

Them, big books.

Um, they have big books and they have little books.

No, that's fine. If you just scribble me a note for the register or an

appointment card for the dentist, that'll be fine.

I mean, how would you feel if your son was voted 97th? Eh?

What's that, Mr Martin?

I mean, was it you who pinned that list up on the notice board?

I beg your pardon? I went to this school.

And you teachers with your long holidays and your steaming mugs of tea and your

nasty streak.

All you people who make me feel that small.

I'm gonna be sorry.

Do you happen to have a gun?

What? Did that man have a gun?

Get his capital golden up, son.

1548. Lovely.

Have some of that. Mike Osman and the Naughty Boys, eh?

I don't mind not having an entertainer.

What?

No, we're going to get us Mr Marvel again.

And once we got him sorted, we're going to organise a bouncy castle. You fancy a

bit of that, little Bob? Eh?

Remember Uncle Eric dancing on it naked after 14th Interstellar, eh?

Yeah.

We're going to do you a party and a half, mate.

Show the world.

What?

Show the world, ain't that enough?

I used to sit on your bed for hours, you know, mate.

What do you mean?

Used to drive your mum nuts, I did.

Said I wasn't letting you get to sleep.

Chatting, you know, me and you.

I didn't want to miss one second of you, you see.

Am I a disappointment?

I'm the only disappointment round here.

Right, number 43.

Can you see it anywhere, little Bob?

His wife... Mrs Marvel.

Exactly.

Said he's got a gig at number 43.

God, blimey.

Some fancy asses round here, ain't it, eh?

I tell you what, I wouldn't mind being half a quid behind round here in the

Wonga States.

Ah, there he is.

Lovely.

Let's talk the talk to the chappy with the magic wand, eh?

You all right, love? Just looking for Mr Marvel. I'm a mate.

Oh. Right.

Do you want to...? Come in. Lovely.

Nice garden, my dear. He's got green fingers. Nothing to do with gardening,

though.

I might swell down your gullet. You like them?

What the fuck do you think you're doing? Don't you dare!

Fucking dare!

Come to where I'm working again, understand?

I'm just going to put a bit of work your way for tomorrow.

A, you still owe me from last year. B, doing a magic show for you and your

drunken, soapy fucking pikey brothers with a pile of interbred kids screaming

where the fucking hell's the rabbit for 42 minutes was the lowest point in my

fucking professional career. In fact, it was the fucking bastard lowest point of

my fucking life.

So that's a definite no then?

Why is your dad one of children's entertainer when he's already a fucking

clown himself?

Right,

that's it.

I'm gonna have him now. He's pissed me off and I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have to rinse all two of it.

Leave it, Dad. It's not worth it. Oh, Fedda! Leave it.

Why should I leave it? I've been leaving it all me life.

Please.

Well, you ain't scared of him, are you, son?

Cos I tell you what, I could take him to the cleaners any fucking day he cares to

choose. Just didn't think he was very good last year, that's all.

Really? Did you?

I thought he was, I mean, ordinary. I mean, nothing more than ordinary, but...

I thought you liked him. I only said I liked him because I thought you paid him

and I didn't want you to get upset.

Well, sod him, then.

Eh? We'll get somebody better. Somebody who can do balloons, eh? You fancy a bit

of that, little Bob?

Eh?

You just lost yourself a client, mate!

You've got nothing better to do.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, sir.

Just looking for a new car in the classifieds.

Are you telling me you buy a second-hand car off someone from Hatfield?

Good point.

I thought you were supposed to be around school.

Yeah, I'm just off there now.

Hatfield Primary.

Full of fucking liars and drug addicts these days.

Never used to be like that in my day.

So what's been occurring today?

Some seven-year-old reckons he might have seen, but he's not sure, some man

with a gun, or what looked like a gun.

But it could just as easily have been a mobile phone.

All right.

Right. Any smelly bastard, non-trippy-trappy warden starts to make

himself busy. Sandy Hooter and I come out shooting.

Only joking.

Look, he's in a meeting.

The editor.

He's in a meeting.

And come off my desk, though.

Right, don't look at me like I'm something you stood in on hot day. What

are you talking about?

I've been having a bonfire.

A barbecue.

Did you give him my message from this morning?

Fucking rude not-case.

Be warm, mate.

It is, isn't it?

It's you who phoned up, giving it the fucking trap, leaving abusive messages.

I recognise his voice.

Yeah, all right, Mo.

Are you from the rival Hatfield Gazette or something?

No. Who the fuck do you think you are, you little smelly runt?

Leaving abusive messages with my staff?

But I've got a boner pit with you. Get out!

Get out or you'll get a slap.

Right, that's far enough, mate.

I mean, so far, and that's far enough. No further, mate.

Get on the floor now.

You're the runt. You've robbed me now. He's robbed me now.

Go on.

Is that real?

You want to suck it and see?

Just do as he says, Mo.

Yeah, take the runt's advice, man. Do what I say.

Who are you? What have I ever fucking done to you, mate?

I just... I just wanted to ask you a question, that's all.

But you ignored me.

Put me on hold. Made me listen to the sultans of Swig.

While you were lying, you was having a meeting.

You ain't having a meeting.

Look, there's no one in this room with you. You can't have a meeting on your

tod.

What do you want exactly?

Eh? What bone have you got to pick with me?

I've been working out in the garden.

That's the only reason I don't look the part.

What part?

You'd judge me differently, wouldn't you, if I was kitted out in a suit like

yours. Listen, just fuck off, mate.

Yeah? Go.

And there'll be nothing more sad.

Wait a minute.

I've got the gun.

If anyone's going to be told to fuck off, it's going to be me who's doing the

telling. You fuck off. Go on, get down there. And you, go on, get down.

I left here, must have been, oh, 1975.

Oh, you must be about the same age.

Robert Martin, you say?

Mm. Whoa.

I still remember the smell of this place.

Sorry. Um, I do remember a Robert Martin.

There was something about him. Now, what was it? Oh, yeah, there's definitely

something about Robert Martin.

You wouldn't... Do you keep the old school reports, you know, from my day?

God, I'd love to read what they wrote about me.

Oh, sorry, excuse me. PC 3805?

So this man just walked in here off the street, waving his gun at you and stole

your, um... Er, my suit, yeah.

And it was definitely a gun.

I mean, it couldn't have been a mobile phone, could it? I'm not going to strip

off of some tramp waving a mobile phone at me, am I?

Yeah, all right, mate.

I'm asking you a question.

You reckon you've never seen this bloke before?

Do you seriously think I'd have made this up?

Do you think I'm desperate for a headline or something, like there ain't

enough shit going down in Hatfield?

Oi, what happened to the school?

Teacher's ill. I couldn't see the point in leaving her there with some muppet.

Katie's home too. She said she felt... What's she got on?

Huh?

Bit of quality schmutter. What do you think?

Where'd you get it?

I'm afraid I'm not at Libby at the Davos, that sort of information.

Oh, you haven't... Can't you? Everything's above board and looking

rosy in the Martin Garden.

Go and brush your head and gather the sperms. Come on, we're going out.

Is it salted?

What? You know what.

Go on, get in and get ready.

What do you look like? What?

Sex bum, sex bum.

You're my sex bum.

Baby, you can turn me on.

I will in a minute if you don't get your skates on.

Ooh, you are sex on legs. Do you know that? Yeah, right.

Sex on legs.

I love you.

Oi! Put it!

What's your dad like, eh? The best.

Come here, baby.

Do you want some? Sure, she's big enough for a pub.

I mean, they can't take some looking after.

Oh, come on, it's what a boy wants. It's his birthday. Shut it, Mother.

What's that ugly thing?

Say no notice of her, Nan.

No. How much is that dog in the window?

I mean, it's what he wants for his birthday, Ange. Come on, be nice.

I mean, Katie'll have a kiddie. Little Bob can have a puppy to play with.

I can't be wrapped.

Oi, have you clocked how much this doggy in the fucking window is? Yeah, well,

maybe if we had a bit of pedigree wrapped around us, we'd be the worst

going off on that dream holiday.

Sorry, sir, no food consumption on the premises.

Has to be outside, you see, including ice creams. There is a sign.

Oi, mate, can you read?

Armani. Come on, kids, outside.

Talk to the animals.

Oh, my God.

Animal liberation, frat!

Polly fucking parrot.

Every gangster that sets the rate.

Thanks, Ned. Now, the next bit of money we get in, right, I'm going to build a

pond, stock it up with koi carp.

I might start breeding them as it goes.

You know, the profit margins on koi carp don't bear fit in a bear.

I like to see you running out of jollies with a koi carp stuck up your jacket.

Er, can I have a word, please, Robert?

£84.50.

Yes, yes, yes.

That is a stunner. If you're a lover of the single stone designs, but you like

to have something that's got a little bit more of a frame to it... Give me my

gun back, silly bollocks.

I've edited it.

What are you, two years of age or something?

I'm talking about fucking waving it around like some... Go and get me my

gun, then you'd better make yourself scarce.

Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?

Michael's got home leave.

Home leave?

Yes. That's why I wanted you looking after it for a bit in case the old bill

come round.

Home leave?

I thought you got life. Michael's got life.

Yeah. Well, now he's got home leave weekend.

Man, that's bad. After what are you done?

He'll be back in at one o'clock.

And I've told him.

What? Told him what?

Everything.

What do you mean?

You mean what happened the other day? You ain't told him that, have you? You

want to make yourself fucking scarce.

What did he say?

He ain't very fucking happy with you.

Me?

You started it, getting all mucky and all that. He was you. Rule number one,

it is out of order to take advantage of a mate's wife when he's banged up.

No, hold on.

You raped me. I was raped. You raped me. I said no. Gun.

I can't believe you told him, Michael. Do you know how nutcase he is?

What did he say?

Enough. I'm a woman with womanly desires and you're an advantage-taking little

tosser who needs plugging.

I mean, you know, you never know, right?

I could be shot at any moment.

Any of us could.

Fucking right there, sir.

You can never be certain of anything in this uncertain world.

Sign there, my friend.

So, now I'm covered for all eventualities?

Spot on.

Anything happens, my family are 250,000 smackeroonies to the good, yeah?

Your official documentation will follow in a few days.

And that's your receipt.

Did you use the oil? What? You don't use plenty of oil.

If that meat's tough, I'm not going to that butcher again.

Excuse me.

Sorry to bother you.

Who is that?

What do you want? How did he get in?

What do you want?

What the fuck do you need holiday for?

Sorry.

What the heck do you need holiday for? I beg your pardon. Can we help you?

Look, I've got 27 pounds, right?

And there's more where that came from. What is it that you want?

Can I buy your dream island holiday off of you?

Kindly. I'm ever so desperate.

Please. I'm calling the police. No, no. Careful.

Sorry. Look, mate, please, sell me your holiday. I'm calling the police. You're

trespassing! No!

Look, look, look, Matt and Matt. Somebody help me. Fucking help me out of

here, man, will you?

Please? You see, I've done a bit of a rip here. Someone help us, please.

No, no, no, I'm not going to hurt you. It's all right, it's all right. Fuck,

you know, no one ever listens to me. Let me get into my... You see, I've let me

wife down and I just want to make it up to her. Please. Run next door, get help,

Ingrid. Oh, no.

Sorry, mate.

Have you a big break there?

What's that?

Parrot nap.

Picture of a security video. Well, someone nicked a parrot.

Well, it is Hatfield after all.

What's all that look?

Oh, these are my old school reports, sir.

We're a public service. You've got the time to... And those of one Robert

Martin. It's his research, sir. I'm trying to understand the psyche of a...

Well, nutcase, really.

It's a bit shifty.

Was it him you reckon at the Hatfield recording?

Well, it had to be him, didn't it?

He's got a gun, hasn't he?

Yeah. Is he likely to use it, do you think?

What was he like? I mean, you know, was he one of those kids that would wedge a

kitten in a tree and shoot at it with an air rifle?

I love my Mrs Lin.

I fucking love her.

Do you know how I call her?

Sex on legs.

And that's genuine, that is.

Stupid silly bollocks that I am. I just got myself raped by Dirty Lou across the

way. I don't know, she's on the sherry, she's plying me with ouzo, her sister

brought back from somewhere or other. The next thing you know, it's all

giggly, giggly, tickly, tickly, one big joke, et cetera.

Had me joggers off and the rest is history, as they say. Please, I... What?

What?

We're talking, aren't we, like mates?

I needed that holiday.

See...

My little boy.

Well, you know, like Midas.

You know, everything he touches turns to gold. Well, everything I touch turns to

shit.

So I've come up with the best solution for all concerned.

How many flight tickets you got?

Oh, no.

It's just the cottage we want for a week.

We have to arrange travel.

We were going to drive.

How can you drive to a desert island?

You do know that the dream holiday is on the Isle of Man, don't you?

Yeah.

You did read that, didn't you?

Yeah.

Fucking old people!

You've always got to be so fucking clever, Cloggs, ain't ya? Eh?

All right, now.

You've both got a drink, all right? So just relax. You can't leave us down

here.

Well, I've given you both a drink.

You know, most armed robbers.

Look, I just want to give me family all of that, and I can die an happy man.

Now, tell me again.

Isle of Man. What is it?

M25, M1. Is that right?

To get the ferry from Liverpool.

I didn't even know Liverpool was on the sea.

You see, if I lived here, I wouldn't need to get away.

But I don't, so I do.

I'm really sorry, Mrs Heath.

I mean, I am. I mean, I'd love a granny who'd look like you.

But you see, I have a dream.

I dream where one day my children and my children's children won't have to drink

no frills lemonade.

We can't survive on a glass of water.

Not for a week.

Well, I'll knock you off some sandwiches then, but I'm in a bit of a fucking

hurry here!

Pardon my French, Mrs Heath.

So,

that

is Robert Martin.

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

Right, now, the dog's fed, the cat's out, and the plants are watered. Now,

that's it.

I'm out of here. Listen, I'm sorry to trouble you. Do you think you could

possibly check that the immersion heater is switched off? No!

You ain't never gonna believe this, guys. But do you know what Lil wanted?

Someone had been over when we were at the pet shop to let us know.

We won!

We won the dream holiday!

I've just been to check it out, and she's right!

Ow. You've got something on your chin, Robert.

Oh, it's a bit of bullshit.

No, no, no. You know the others, the Ridgeways? It says you're not allowed to

be an employer. All employers are the company. Not allowed.

It's like I've got some proviso at the bottom of competitions.

No, I have seen that in my Take a Break magazine, Mum.

Exactly. So they've been disqualified.

The Ridgeways. So we've won.

So what do they want to tell Lil for? What's it got to do with that fat slug?

Because we were out. Fuck me, it's hard breaking good news to this family, isn't

it? We've won!

Bollocks.

And it's for five.

And I'd love you to come, Amp.

Let me have a look. No, we've got five minutes to bung a bit of kit in a bag

and get out of here. Come on.

Come on, five minutes and we're out of here. Come on.

I so fucking love you.

Are you all right? You'd better let go of me. We've only got five minutes. We

should do a packed lunch or something. Yeah. Come on, Mum.

You're very sweet to me, ma'am. God stop us.

Stop looking at me, gay.

Oi, oi, oi. Don't be stupid, Katie.

Look at me now.

I can

do

my GCSEs anyhow.

Loads of girls in my school get fed. We're famous for it. Yeah, all right,

Katie, we'll talk about it later. I've got an appointment with Mr Trenchman.

He's not a father, is he?

Oh, fuck off. Oh, come on, Katie.

Oi, oi, oi.

Language like that?

No wonder you got yourself pregnant.

You can't get yourself pregnant, Dad.

Sorry to confuse you. No, Katie, enough.

England's got the highest teen pregnancy rate in Europe.

Well, that's nothing to be proud of, is it?

She's giving it lives like it's something to be proud of.

And carrying on a fine tradition.

It's my own fault. I should have belted her to within an inch of her life when

she came home with her belly button pierced. All right, Robert, there's

nothing we can do about it now.

All right, don't ever pop with me.

It's her with the morals of an alley cat.

Cats are very clean animals, actually.

I'm just saying, we deserve to know who the father is. I mean, it's me who's

going to be paying out for it for the next 18 years.

No. What do you mean, no?

What do you know about anything? You're 14.

I claim of the state, like you do, for everything.

I'm a communist.

I'm doing it out of principle.

He's just got the um, because you're going to make him a granddaddy.

I remember feeling suicidal when you spermed my daughter.

Oh, you are one gross old bat.

I was using the correct biological terminology.

I've got an horrible feeling that this fucking luxury island holiday is going

to turn out to be yet another...

it being an happy, normal family.

And normal, happy families go on holiday together and get on.

So shut your fucking face.

Please. Stop, Dad, stop.

Oh, the fucking joy.

Here you are. Have a bit of water, mate. You all right?

You're right, babe.

Give us the key, Robert. I'll let Mum out the boot.

You might as well leave her in there. We'll be on our way in a minute. Please,

Robert.

Are you all right now, and your little bub?

We've got to be unique.

No other families are like us, you know that, don't you?

We're not normal.

We're a fucking disaster.

Dysfunctional, Nan.

Look, it's just a bit of car sickness.

It's no big deal.

What's the matter with you two? You're like a couple of moany old fucking

scousers. No one went on you.

Katie! Yeah, Will, I can still bloody smell it.

Look, can we just get back in the car and get on with our dream holiday of a

lifetime, please?

You all right, mate?

Love you, Dad.

Yeah, well, don't think you're getting a kiss.

Oh, my fucking arse!

Here you are, let me rub it better for you. Fuck off! Here you are. Fuck off!

Quick,

back in the car. Quick, come on, let's get in. Here you are!

Here's the case.

Excuse me.

Have you... Have you come without the gun?

Oh, you're much better than the tart in the field. Oh, lovely. You're not a

patch on the geezer. Thank you very much.

The Isle of Friggin' Man is not what I call a dream holiday destination.

Well, you ever been?

No. So shut it.

It might be lovely.

Trust you to win something so spazzy.

You all right?

Yeah, it's her.

I don't care who the father is.

You do know that, don't you? I don't even know who he is, Mum.

How? I'm a slag.

Slapper. Slut. Oh, don't be silly. Of course you're not.

I've done it with a few boys.

Have you ever done it with your dad?

What was he like?

Oi!

We'll just have to put father unknown on the birth certificate.

Sorry, Mum.

Here. At least we'll know if it's black antlers. Not necessarily.

Oh, Katie.

You're only 14.

Is there anything I've seen quite good at?

What are you doing in here?

You're throwing a life out of me.

There's no-one in here. Have a bit of first class.

You're not supposed to be in here, are you? I said today was going to be my

lucky day, didn't I?

Look, what is it, Robert? Something's going on. Please tell me. There's

nothing going on.

You know I'd go anywhere with you, didn't you?

What's that supposed to mean? It means I'm on your side.

I should hope so. The luxuries I've lavished on you over the years. Yeah,

right. What, who's just won you a dream holiday?

Come on, whose gun is it?

Forget about the gun.

You keep going on about the gun. It's doing my head in.

I've given it back.

It's lovely in here, isn't it?

It's nice, isn't it?

To my way of thinking, this ain't what it was cracked up to be.

This is a customer service announcement for vehicle drivers and their passengers

only. What are you doing, Jeffercase? You're not meant to take them.

Don't worry about it.

It's like you're torturing me in the back here.

Look where he's brought us.

It's worse than scaviat food.

Yeah.

Fucking failure at everything. Always have been, always will be.

Why do we have to listen to your stupid opinions 24 hours a day? Look, you're

just up, Mum. Up and tired.

Yes, I'm up and tired and fed up.

Especially fed up with him dragging us all this way under false pretenses.

Ireland holiday.

I want to go home.

She's just jealous.

What have I got to be jealous of, silly bollocks?

Me and Edge.

What are you talking about?

Because we got each other.

And you ain't got no one.

And that's what you've never been able to forgive me for. Well, it ain't my

fault.

You don't come to lovey-dovey crap with me.

I've heard you threw me away for thin walls.

Heard what? What you heard?

Asked him.

Mr. So in love.

What was she going on about, Robert?

Listen to it. You know what she's like. Shut up, you wrinkled prune.

She's my daughter you're lying to.

What have you heard through your wafer-thin walls?

I fucking clocked him.

Shuffling up her path.

Shut up!

No!

You don't know what you're talking about.

I fucking heard you! Mucking about!

You know Nish. She knows Nish, Ange. I know what you was up to in Lil's front

room. And I know you weren't having a play wrestle.

Dirty bastard.

All men are the same, Ange. Keep their brains in their bellend.

Have you humiliated me?

Stop the car.

Stop the fucking car, right?

I knew.

I sort of knew.

What? I sort of had a feeling, you know.

So come on.

How long's it been going on?

There's nothing going on. There's nothing going on.

Like, it was once. I knew it. What? It was her fault. She jumped on top of me

and I didn't want her to get cross, so I let her. I can't believe you slept with

her, little, just because you didn't want her to get cross. I didn't exactly

sleep with her.

You've done me, Robert.

You've done me in.

I'm done in.

I'm cementing everything together.

Well, that's good. What do you mean good?

I'm cementing you out.

You're on the outside.

We're all here, right? Me and my family in, you out.

I've been in love with you ever since I can remember.

Since you were a kid in the playground with your hair all sticking up like

someone had rubbed a balloon on it or something.

And you've been nothing but a disappointment to me.

But every year, every month, every day, I've held on to the thought, to the

belief that things might get better.

But they're never going to get better, are they?

Because you are what you are, mate. And what you are is a fucking

disappointment.

You want to move your car, mate?

Do you want to get off, love, so I can move the car?

We're here on our holidays.

It's all right, mate.

Mummy and Daddy were just having a bit of a play fight.

And you, oi, you.

Yes, you.

Are you satisfied with your day's work, are you?

That's not a beehive. You're a fucking Martian.

It's not supposed to be a fucking beehive anyway. It's a fucking

pineapple.

Let's just get on with our holiday, shall we?

I want to go home.

I can't go home.

Michael's going to kill me.

They've never swam in the sea.

You have one this holiday.

I mean, that isn't more crap.

No, I've won the holiday. I have, Ange.

Let them swim in the sea.

The babies have never swam in the sea.

What kind of parents are we?

If I go on this holiday, when we get home, I want you to leave.

Leave me.

Us.

I want a different life.

I've got a little bit of pride left, Robert.

Not much.

Just a little bit.

Yes, that's him! Yes!

You bastard!

Who is he?

Your secretary remembers him saying something about how you would take him

seriously if he lived on the Ridgeway. Yeah.

Something like that.

Why is that then?

Why don't bloody know? Big houses.

And the winners of the week at your mother's cottage on Isle of Man came

from the Ridgeway.

Your mother's cottage?

His attempt to boost circulation.

And did it work? Did it? Yes.

Would have Mr Martin invented your competition.

Oh, it's a bit pretty here, isn't it?

Oh, Nanny, that's great. Come on, let Nanny out.

All right.

Oh.

Here you go, Nanny.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

It's really beautiful in here. Oh, my bum's numb.

Unbelievable. Un-be-fucking-lievable.

Here, watch me. Luggage.

All right, all right. What have you got in there?

Just give her a good holiday.

That's what I'm trying to do.

That's what I'm trying to do.

I want to see her smiling again.

So do I.

Friends? Forgive me. No, Robert.

I'm going to act like everything's fine for this week, but I completely mean it.

When we get home, you're gone.

I love you.

How can you?

What? I started off loving you.

My cup overraneth.

Raneth over with love for you.

But over the last 20-odd years, drip by drip, my cup has been emptied.

Sitting at home with an empty cup while my husband sexed up the ore across the

road. I realised something has to be done.

I realised something has to be done too.

No, there's nothing you can do, mate.

I've decided.

I have got to say, I always thought you was a bit cursed, Robert.

But this, it's the bollocks.

Sorry about before, you know, what I said.

In the car.

I didn't mean it. About Lil.

I never nothing me.

Glad you made it up now.

I'm going for a frigging paddle, me. If I can be chill, please.

I couldn't live without you.

Nothing's gonna work anymore.

Like I say, my cup's empty.

Little residue of scum is all that's left.

What's he doing?

Running. Running?

Yeah.

This ain't gonna bump into nothing.

The birthday's coming!

Yay!

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

Yeah.

So fucking proud.

I've got the best daughter and the best son in the world.

Ingrid, someone in the garden.

What? Someone in the garden. Help!

Help!

Can you hear?

We're locked in the cellar!

Oh, right, if you dug a trench, right, you know, curling round the property

like that, from one bit of sea over there, curling round to that bit of sea

over there, we'd be an island, effectively, same as.

Well, make us an island.

It would, straight up, Av, cos people would have to cross water to come up to

our land. Island, bosh.

Dictionary definition, right? One who has to cross a bit of expanse of water.

You look it up.

It'd be nice, though, wouldn't it? Yeah.

Declare ourselves independent.

Abolish taxes.

We don't pay no taxes.

No, I know. We'd just make up our own rules, couldn't we?

A proper, truly communist state.

And me and you'd be king and queen, Hedge.

I'd be the fucking Queen Mother, I suppose.

What should we call it, then, our country?

Huh? I don't know. What do you reckon, little boy? Hey, you've got to dig the

trench first.

No, no, I'll be king, mate. I'll get one of me muppets to do it for me, won't I?

Don't look at me.

Yeah, have some more Battenberg, Nan.

Yeah, go on, build yourself up for a bit of trench digging.

You can borrow my bucket spade, Nan.

I stared down the barrel of his gunner.

I thought I was dead.

We're losing control.

We'll catch him, Mr Heath.

He will be caught.

The bad people are winning.

The good people.

Like the red squirrels. We're being driven out by the vermin grey squirrels.

So what are you doing? You coming to bed then?

No, I'm alright here, thanks.

If we lived here, we would have survived.

We live in Appfield.

So, is there any hope for us, then?

What, me and you?

No.

How long do you think it's going to take me to scrub that felt tip off the

kitchen table?

Here.

They do say the sea gets warmer at night, didn't they?

Well, I would just like to say that that is bollocks.

I stole this holiday.

I've never won a fucking thing in my life.

How could you steal a holiday?

I tied up the winners.

In their basement.

Could you give me an hand, Robert?

I'm telling you, Angie, you'd be a lot, lot, lot better off if I was dead.

I mean, what kind of example am I to my kids?

How can they grow up to be anything other than bad?

Yeah, but they're not bad, are they?

Why, they're fucking brilliant, brilliant kids.

I'm just making everybody's life a misery, you know, and...

And you all deserve to be so happy.

Maybe you do make me happy.

I'll put a gun on little Bob's teacher as well.

Well, that was a bit daft, wasn't it?

Well, that's me, isn't it?

Just leaving this family at a disaster.

Yeah.

Was it Mr Barker who you pulled the gun on?

I thought his face was a fucking picture.

I mean, he shits himself on parents' nights.

It's fine. It's fine. Just relax. Look, put your hands on Daddy's shoulders. Oh,

God, Robert!

Yes, Mummy, come to help. Look, everything's going to be fine. I'm

looking after our little girl. Can't we get her up to the hospital or something?

There's no time. Oh, God! Look, don't panic. Everything's going to be OK. I

swear, OK?

I've delivered Katie, didn't I, Mummy? Yeah, Daddy knows what he's doing,

darling. But I was born in April, General.

Oh, that's what he took you after.

Yeah, but I delivered you in Nanny's bathroom.

We didn't tell anybody else, did we? Please.

Oi, I love you to bits and I'll do my best. You just do what I tell you, OK?

Good girl, good girl.

Oh, my God, she's having a baby.

Oi, serenity, Mum.

I'll go for help, shall we? There's no time. Come on, you can help. Come round

the other side.

Mummy and Nanny are going to move you off the toilet now, Katie, OK?

Then I want you to support her from behind, Mum.

OK, off the toilet you go.

Daddy, look after her, Katie.

There you go, all right?

All

right,

now listen, this is what we're going to do. We're going to do some breathing

exercises now, all right?

I want you to go with me. Now breathe in like I read you in that book. Do you

remember? And out.

In and out.

In and out. Good girl. That's it.

That's it. Don't push, Katie. Don't push.

Don't push, Katie.

Nearly there.

Towel.

You were blinding in there, Robert.

New start.

New beginnings. No, hang on. It ain't that simple.

Right, you've got to grow up.

I'm a granddad now.

You can't tell me to grow up. Look, you know what I mean.

Look, it won't happen again.

Yeah. Right, I know it won't happen again.

Because we're a fucking beautiful family, right? And I'm not going to have

you ruin it.

I mean, I want to push that kiddie round outfield with my head held high, you

know, proud to be a Martin.

I'm not you proud. Yes, make me proud.

Robert, I don't want to walk around and see that look in people's eyes anymore.

And I don't want to go to the Galleria and have the security men following me

around.

Look, from now on, everything's going to be all right.

Good. Okay.

Right, we all right in here now?

Shit. He's fucking killing them.

Drop the scissors, all right? Drop the fucking scissors! Put it down now!

All right, all right, all right.

Where are you going? Where are you going? Stay where you are. No!

Stay where you are, ladies. You stand still. I said stand still.

I am armed. You don't have to say anything.

I'm sorry.

It may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned.

It's something you let her rely on in court.

Anything you do say, maybe give me an answer.

What happened to you coming out next week?

I wanted to surprise you, you know.

Well, I wanted to come and meet you.

Look at the baby.

He's not a baby any more, eh?

Toddling around like that.

Yeah, well, you said you didn't want me bringing him to the prison. No, I didn't

want him to see me, you know.

He loves Mum.

Does he?

He wants to see his little face light up when she calls round in the morning.

Great. Here's just a lick of pint.

I don't know.

I'll be harder.

Look, are you going to give me a cuddle or what?

You're going to come and say hello to your grandson.

And? Oi, now, don't start getting soppy with me, all right?

It's good to have you home, Robert.

Have a great day.

It says me.