Original subtitles

Guess what I've got behind my back?

Oh, wait, wait, wait. I got this one left.

Wrong game, but correct.

Five front row tickets to Robots vs.

Wrestlers. Robots vs.

Wrestlers? That is awesome.

You've heard of Robots vs. Wrestlers? Never. But we assume it's some sort of

sporting event that pits robots against wrestlers. That's exactly what it is,

according to the website.

Wait,

wait, wait.

Who's the fifth ticket for?

Robin. I know she moved in with her boyfriend and says she doesn't want to

hang out with us anymore, but this is robots versus wrestlers.

Robots versus wrestlers. Barney is right.

It's impossible to say no to that.

No to that.

I wish I could, but I have plans with Don on Saturday. He's making me Chinese.

I'll assume you're talking about food. Otherwise, I have some follow-up

questions. Oh, I'm sorry, Lily, but I gotta give this thing with Don a chance.

And I can't do that if I'm out drinking with you guys every single night,

especially when you guys includes two of my ex-boyfriends. I understand.

You're right.

It's just we all really miss you.

Oh, I miss you, too.

Oh, listen, I gotta go. Talk soon?

Okay, bye.

Sorry, New York. I had to take that. Now, where were we?

Yeah, yes.

Bus crash.

She said no?

How could she say no?

Robots versus wrestlers is our most important tradition as a group.

Tradition? We've never done this before.

It's robots versus wrestlers, Lily. How is that not going to be a tradition?

Well, this is how it starts.

First, Robin moves in with Dawn. Then Marshall and Lily have a baby. Then Ted

gets married.

I was going to say is found alone in his apartment, devoured by his cats. But

either way, not pretty.

Everyone's leaving me and I don't like it.

Oh, Barney, you don't have to worry about Marshall and me having kids.

That's a long way down the road.

Exactly. It's down the road. Medium way.

A medium long way.

I mean, you can see it ahead.

In the vast, vast distance.

But you've already seen exit signs for it. Really? I didn't see it. Might want

to get in the right lane.

I understand how you feel, Buck.

Friendships are important.

In fact, Emerson wrote a great poem entitled Friendship.

You guys are gonna love this.

A ruddy drop of manly blood, the surging sea outweighs... That's how it had

always been for me with the gang.

Anytime I tried to get a little high-minded... You guys, you gotta try

this Syrah.

hints of creme de cassis red berries toasty oak hmm

five letters blank baritone

of course lyric baritone which is actually higher than a dramatic baritone

you know there's a telling moment in the second act of la boheme guys come on i'm

just trying to add a little class to these proceedings It's like that line

from Dante's Inferno.

Consider your origins. You were not born to live like brutes, but to follow

virtue and knowledge.

Or, in the original Italian, Considerate la vostra semenza.

You guys are right. I'm totally overreacting to this whole Robin thing.

What's this envelope? Is this a wedding invitation? Robin's marrying Don. I'm

gonna die alone. Ted's gonna get eaten by cats.

Dude, relax.

It's for Marissa Heller.

Marissa Heller? She sounds hot.

Face, boobs, describe.

Start with boobs.

Who was Marissa Heller?

That mystery began when Marshall and I first moved in together.

Ted!

We got our first mail delivery. We are...

We've got a golf magazine for Marissa Heller. We've got a wicker furniture

catalog, also for Marissa Heller.

And a coupon for a bird store addressed to Marissa Heller or, stay with me,

current occupant. That's us. We've got mail.

Fantastic. Marissa Heller. She must be the woman who lived here before us.

I wonder what she was like.

And just like that, a picture began to take shape.

A picture of Marissa Heller, the golfer.

Marissa Heller, the wicker catalog shopper.

And Marissa Heller, the bird owner.

And since then, with each piece of mail we've gotten, the picture's become a

little clearer.

The only thing we don't know is what she looks like.

Well, I guess I'll forward this along like I've been forwarding along. Oh,

just open it. Okay.

It's an invitation to Jefferson Van Smoot's annual spring social this

Saturday night in the penthouse apartment of the Alberta. You guys,

that's the most beautiful building in Manhattan.

We got to go to this party. That depends. Does it say anything on that

invitation about robots battling wrestlers for intergalactic supremacy?

no but it says open bar revised agenda for saturday night free booze at marissa

heller's party then robots versus wrestlers one of us just needs to

pretend to be marissa heller oh guys i'm flattered but i think

lily should do it so the big night arrived our first stop the

alberta building wow

The building is amazing!

Did you guys see the Port Cochere and the terracotta spandrels outside?

Oh, my God! Look, I just got a text from Robin. It says... Okay,

guys, huddle up.

Now, Lil, you can do this. All you have to do is look that guy in the eye, say

your name is Marissa Heller, and we are golden. And again, just so we're clear,

no accent.

Are we sure she not rich, innit?

No. All right, here I go. I'm doing this.

Hi. Hello.

Sorry. Go ahead.

I'm here for the Van Smoot party.

My name is Marissa Heller.

Oh, bollocks.

So that's Marissa Heller, huh?

She fine.

Her teeth look really nice.

She must be remembering to go to the dentist even without those reminder

postcards.

So what are we doing?

I'm getting us into the party, that's what.

Marissa Heller.

Barney Stinson. We met at that gathering for bird owners.

I don't think so.

Wicker lovers?

No. Stinson out.

Guys, it's not going to happen.

I got this.

You know, this elevator still uses the same mechanism from when it was first

installed in 1906.

Rumor is, Louis Lamar Skolnick, the architect who designed this building,

carved these panels himself.

Oh, a Skolnik fan?

Well... I love his juxtaposition between the North German Renaissance exterior

and... And the decidedly French influence on the inside, I know.

He was an architect with the soul of a poet, really.

It's working.

You know, I have a confession to make. We're not on the guest list, but I've

always wanted to see the inside of the Alberta.

Well, then, right this way.

We're all together.

Told you I'd get us in.

So, anyone been watching The Young and the Restless?

Awesome! Who ordered Soap Opera Illustrated?

Marissa Heller, I like your style.

Anyone?

Am I to understand that there isn't a single soap opera fan in this entire

elevator? I don't own a TV.

The only operas I watch are at the Met.

Dips.

Oh, excuse me.

Jefferson Darling.

Well, I am not dressed for this.

One word made up. Douche-pocalypse.

Guys, that's Peter Bogdanovich talking to Ariana Huffington and Will Shortz,

editor of the New York Times crossword. Look, let's give this party a chance,

okay? There's free food, free booze, 20 minutes, then we can leave.

But you see, music was changing, and Giovanni Artusi simply didn't understand

the new style of composing.

Excuse me.

Are you talking about Monteverde and his fourth book of madrigals? Oh, my dear

chap, what else?

That's my favorite book of madrigals!

Smoked foie gras with caramelized mango and creme fraiche?

Hey, uh, hey, guy, do you have anything in the mini cheeseburger department?

I don't think so, sir.

No? Mini pizzas?

Little cups of fries? Any food at all that'll make me feel like a giant?

I'll check, sir.

I can't check.

I'm performing open-heart surgery on the Dutch ambassador in the morning. I hope

he pulls through.

Really? A colleague of mine just prescribed Coumadin to the Dutch

ambassador, and there's no way she'd be on anticoagulants if she were about to

undergo surgery.

Just... okay?

You know who published a great article on Walt Whitman and the politics of

semantics? Professor Hammersmith of Oxford.

I... I am Professor Hammersmith.

Which is exactly what Truffaut was talking about in his 1954 article in

Cahiers du Cinema.

Film is an auteur's medium.

Full stop.

Movies, right?

Actors.

Willem Dafoe.

Funny thing about Willem Dafoe, his name kind of sounds like a frog talking to a

parrot.

Willem. The fool!

Willem. The fool!

No?

As Undersecretary of the Treasury, I had a big hand in crafting that legislation.

Now, I wonder if you'd like to join me in the map room and give my package some

stimulus.

I'm afraid, my darling, you are too old for my taste.

Okay, Zsa Zsa Gabor is still looking pretty hot, but otherwise this party

sucks. Yeah, well, we gave it a chance. It's been 20 minutes.

Let's get out of here. Where's Ted? Yeah.

I know how to find him.

Just a minute.

Gongs, right?

Louder than you think.

Young man.

That gong is a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W.S. Gilbert

hit it at the London premiere of the Mikado in 1885.

The wife's a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W.S. Gilbert

hit it at the London premiere of the Mikado in 1885.

Guys, guys, guys, guys.

Will Shorts, editor of the Times Crossword. You know how I've been saying

they always use Yulee from Yulee's Gold because of the vowels? Well, tell them,

Will. Tell them. Because of the vowels? It's because of the vowels! Oh, wow.

Ted, can I talk to you just for a second?

I will.

Ten-letter word for diminutive egg-based tort.

Mini quiche? Where? Right there.

Such a great party. Such a great party! Yeah, totally, Ted. It's time to go.

It's robots versus wrestlers o'clock.

Ted, there you are. We'll be blind taste-testing French white snippet.

Should be a hoot and a half.

Well, I can't miss that.

I know, you don't have to say it. You don't decant white wine.

Miss Lily in the living room with the candlestick. Oh, my heavens, no!

That was Edgar Allan Poe! Sorry.

Uh, guys, listen.

I'm having fun here, so I think I'm gonna skip Robots vs. Wrestlers.

But, Ted, you've never missed Robots vs.

Wrestlers.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ted, this isn't happening.

First Robin ditches this and now you?

And for these stuffy, pretentious snoots?

Actually, I kind of like these stuffy, pretentious snoots. They don't make fart

noises every time I open my mouth.

Look, I'm going to stay. I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Yeah, come on, Barney. It's just one night. It doesn't mean anything.

Oh, it means everything.

Ted, if you don't come to Robots vs.

Wrestlers... It's the end of our friendship.

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Fine. Then you are out of our gang forever.

You can reapply in two years.

Marshall, Lily, let's go watch wrestlers fight robots.

So embarrassing, I forgot something.

So, Ted, where do those chums of yours scoot off to?

Oh, you know, poetry reading.

Best tradition ever!

Don't humor me, Marshall.

Let's face it, the gang is over.

Ted's gone, Robin's gone, we might as well just go our separate ways.

God, Barney, enough of the abandonment issues.

Ted's allowed to have a life outside of the group. We all are.

Wait a minute.

Why are you saying that all of a sudden?

Oh, God, you're pregnant.

No. Oh, God, you already had the baby.

It's right behind me, isn't it?

No, you idiot.

Eventually, we're all going to move on.

It's called growing up.

Is that all you got, bitch?

But can you at least promise me that you won't get pregnant for another year?

Can't make that promise.

You can't? You can't?

citrus and honeycomb flavors with crisp acidity.

It's a salt blanc, Loire Valley, town of Sanse.

Correct again.

No,

you can't have kids. You don't want to bring a child into this crazy, messed up

world. I don't know. The world seems pretty awesome right now, Barney.

Okay, Lily, you leave me no choice.

If you have a daughter, The day, nay, the minute she turns 18,

gong!

Yep, really.

Really.

Babies.

I hope Ted is miserable right now.

Constance Fry, Constance Fry, anytime you call,

Constance will fulfill your needs, winter, spring.

or fall.

Ted, your lyric baritone is outstanding.

Thank you, Will Shorts.

Fine, you guys can have a baby, but only under these conditions.

One, you promise to always love me more than the baby.

Two, once a month I get to use the baby to pick up chicks.

Three, that may involve the baby falling from a two-story window and me

heroically catching it.

Four, no breastfeeding in front of me.

Five, forget about four. You can whip them out whenever you want.

And then something amazing happens.

Holy crap. I don't believe it.

Of course, hell is an interesting concept, isn't it?

I've always loved to imagine it.

As Dante did in the Divine Comedy.

If you'll allow me.

In the original Italian.

I

can't believe

this. I'm reciting the Divine Comedy in its original Italian and nobody's making

fart noises.

Wow, this is weird.

Never gotten this far.

You know, I actually sound kind of douchey.

My God, I'm out of control.

Listen to me, I'm completely unleashed.

I'm the biggest douche on the planet.

I wish somebody would stop me.

And then somebody did.

Excuse me for a moment.

Rule number 83.

If anything that comes out of that baby gets on one of my suits, I get to touch

Lily's boobs.

Dude, what is it with you and my wife's boobs tonight? Hey, hey, I don't make

the rules.

Baby, are you really starting to think about this?

I don't know. Maybe a little.

Okay. Well, for whatever it's worth, I think that we're ready.

I mean, look, we love each other, we're financially stable, and honestly, I

don't think it would change our lifestyle all that much.

Aunt Lily still likes to remind Uncle Marshall he once said this.

Marshall, if we were at home with a baby tonight, we never would have seen Ted's

doppelganger. Imagine missing that. How would that feel?

I'd blame that child for the rest of his life.

Exactly. For the rest of her life.

Okay, you're right. There's no hurry.

Okay, how about this? We agree there's no sense in having a baby until we've

seen all five doppelgangers, right?

Of course. Stands to reason.

Okay, so when we finally see Barney's doppelganger, that's the universe

telling us it's go time.

And that's when we'll start trying.

Deal?

Deal.

Hey, guys.

Well, well.

Look who thinks. He can just waltz in here and be part of the gang again.

Well, you can forget it. Listen, Barney. Please be part of the gang again.

I don't want to lose anyone else. We're all really sorry. We'll even let you

recite all the douchey poems you want and we'll never, never say a bad thing

about it, I promise.

Really? Because there actually is a poem I'd like to recite.

Friendship by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

A ruddy drop of manly blood.

The surging sea outweighs. The world uncertain comes and goes.

I'm sorry someone had to do that.

Who wants another drink? I'm buying.

Kids, I'd love to tell you that over the years we didn't all drift apart a little

at one time or another. You don't mean for it to happen, but it does.

But no matter what, to this day, come hell or high water, we still all get

together every year for Robots vs.

Wrestlers.

Good night. Thanks a lot. I had a great time.

Well, I'm to fall.

Well, I'm to fall.

Well, I'm to fall.