Original subtitles

Kids, your Aunt Robin had only been dating Don a short while, when one

evening, out of nowhere... Robin?

Do you want to move in?

Um, well, it's kind of soon, but... Sure, I would consider moving

in here. Just let me think about it.

Oh, I meant do you want to move in on the couch so I can sit down?

Yeah, that's what I meant, too.

Like I said, just let me think about it. Okay.

Yeah, I'm okay with that.

But now that you've mentioned it, do you want to move in?

So what did you say?

I'm considering it. You're considering it? You barely know him.

Plus, the guy's a loser with a dead-end job.

We have the same job, Barney. And we couldn't be prouder of you, Angel.

Oh, sweetie, this does seem kind of fast.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Well, I think you should move in with him.

You do?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I see how happy you are, and as much as I love you as a

roommate, I want you to do what's right for you.

Aw.

Are you trying to kick me out because of the milk thing? It's really annoying.

I put the empty carton back in the fridge to remind us to buy milk.

Okay, why don't you leave a full carton to remind us we don't have to buy milk?

All right, all right.

As your ex, before you jump into anything, I need to meet this guy. I

think it's kind of weird that I haven't met him yet. Totally weird. It's almost

like someone carefully orchestrated it that way on purpose.

Fine. But you have to promise to be on your best behavior. I promise.

So I'm banging this Portuguese contortionist. And I swear, she is so

flexible. At one point, she was on top of me and underneath me. Up top and down

low. One and two, bang.

Oh, who needs? Who needs? Who needs?

And that would be Barney. He means well.

Well, actually, I'm not sure that's true. I think he's awesome.

But I feel bad for any woman with the kind of low self-esteem who would

actually date a guy like that.

And that's when I realized Robin never told Don she had dated Barney.

I like you, Don.

We both love a good scotch. We both enjoy my compelling stories. And we both

dated Robin.

Now he knew.

So, Barney's your ex and you still hang out with him?

I gotta say, I'm a little uncomfortable with that.

Don't be.

It's like we never dated.

Long story short, this exchange student's arms gave out and we both fell

ass over sex swing.

Seriously, I have not been able to find a girl who can do that position since

Robin.

Hey, Lily, Marshall, how was your weekend away or any other topic?

Awful. Terrible.

Twin beds?

I can't sleep in separate beds.

We should go complain.

Yeah, you're right. I'm going to march down there and demand another room.

Yeah, I'll go with you in just a sec.

Housekeeping!

Could you come back later? We're taking a little cat now.

It's time to check out.

We slept for 18 hours. We missed four prepaid meals. I lost 11 pounds.

Hey, Ted, do you think it's weird that Robin is still friends with Barney?

I think it's weird that we're all still friends with Barney.

I just don't know how I feel about her hanging out with one of her exes all the

time. And that's when I realized Robin had failed to tell Don about another one

of her exes.

Me.

No, hanging out with one ex is fine. Even two, I'd give a pass.

Hell, two might be even better than one.

For some reason.

Yeah, but if you were dating someone and he hung out with one of his exes... Oh,

wait, I'm sorry.

He? Yeah, and he was friends with one of his exes. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

Do you think I'm gay?

Well, yeah.

Why would you assume that?

Hey. Hey, Ted, your calligraphy teacher called?

And? And? Your ink is in.

Yes!

Hey, guys.

Just want to make sure Project Runway is recording.

Did the Jets get new costumes?

Well, I guess we won't be having creme brulee tonight.

My browning torch is broken.

You know, when I heard your roommate was a single guy, I was a little jealous.

But now that I know he's gay, I'm okay.

Oh, uh, Ted's not. But we've still got homemade lady fingers and piping hot dog

healing. Listen, thank you.

Ted's not what?

Ted's not gonna be around a lot.

He's following Cher on tour.

Okay, don't get me wrong. Cher puts on a...

Hell of a show.

But I am not gay.

Hey, Lily, be honest. Is it weird that Robin hangs out with one of her exes all

the time? Well, Ted and Robin broke up years ago. It's a non-issue.

Ted and Robin?

Not seeming so gay now, am I, Donnie?

Appletini for the gentleman.

Thank you.

You dated Ted, too?

Robin, of the four people you consider your best friends in New York, you've

slept with 50% of them. Don, they're just my friends.

They're also your exes.

And you live with one of them.

Look, I'm sorry. I gotta think about all this.

My God.

She's a thousand degrees.

It's like putting my leg against a tailpipe.

Ow! His toenails are like daggers.

I'd love a sandwich, but no eating in bed.

Stupid rule.

We have ants one time.

Great, and now he's falling asleep.

Cue the river of drool.

My knee itches.

Just one little scratch.

I think we should get separate beds. Yes, a mini fridge and separate beds.

Damn!

Don. Hi.

I came to apologize to all of you. I overreacted.

Well, we owe you an apology too, Don. We said some pretty hurtful things.

No, you didn't.

Right, right. That was after you left.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth in the first place.

No, I acted like a total drama queen. That's not offensive, right? Still not

gay.

Sorry. The point is, you both are clearly very important to Robin, so why

don't we all have dinner tomorrow night at my place? Oh, that's great.

Looking forward to it, buddy.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Yeah. See you guys. Bye. Bye.

Ted. Yeah?

I must have Robin back.

You're kidding, right?

No. I don't know what it is, but I want Robin back.

I know what it is.

You're like a little kid who throws a toy away and then wants it back the

second another kid starts playing with it. Well, maybe I wasn't done playing

with it.

Maybe I just set it down because I wanted to play with some other stuff for

a second.

Okay.

You're ready.

Ready for what?

To read the letter.

Kids, the letter was a device I'd invented to remind myself why I'd broken

up with somebody.

I've been doing it for years.

Dear future Ted, never get back with Karen because she's a pretentious snob.

Oh, also, she cheated on you.

I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

See, we're already laughing about it.

Dear future Ted, stay away from Natalie or any girl who can pin you to the

ground and beat you senseless in front of a cheering crowd.

P.S.

Please consult a therapist about why that turned you on a little bit.

Dear relationship genius, Stella left you at the altar.

You may never love again and will probably die alone.

Huh. It doesn't look so sad written in calligraphy.

So when Barney and Robin broke up the previous fall... Dating Robin was a huge

mistake. Write that down.

What? Write yourself a letter. That way, when you miss Robin, and you will, you

can remind yourself why you broke up.

Gladly.

Dear future Barney. Ooh.

This ink is cool.

Right? Right?

You and Robin were a terrible couple.

It just didn't work.

Sure, you'll always love Robin, but remember other women?

More importantly, remember other boobs?

And all the cool stuff you can do with boobs.

Nuzzle, juggle, honka honka.

I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.

Then there's just a bunch of drawings of boobs.

You get it now?

Yeah, I get it.

I definitely want her back.

I don't think human beings were ever meant to sleep in the same bed.

Somehow sex and sleep got all jumbled together, but they're two different

things. I know.

I mean, I love you, but I want this new bed to be a sanctuary for sleep and

sleep alone. Me too. And some light snacking, but that's it.

Hey, you know what we should get?

We should get a third bed just for sex.

Yes, a sex bed. A dirty, dirty sex bed. Genius.

That way each bed would have a specific purpose.

Exactly. We'll have two sleep beds, a sex bed.

And I'm thinking a beanbag chair just for special birthday stuff.

Baby, did we just revolutionize modern marriage? Damn straight.

Hey, guys.

I hope you like sushi.

How cool is it that Don makes sushi? He learned while on assignment in Japan.

Ringwormalicious. Barney, be nice. You only want her because you can't have

her. It's like if I said you can sit anywhere in this room except that chair.

Are you so petty? My chair!

My chair!

Ooh, spicy tuna with jalapeno? My favorite. Yes, mine too. I love spicy

food. The hotter, the better. I love spicy stuff too, guy.

Probably more than you do.

Check it.

Don't.

Mmm, super mild.

I'm not feeling it.

Hey, Lily, you won't believe it. It's the craziest thing.

Dawn has twin beds, too. Oh, my God, we just got twin beds.

Oh, oh, great, great.

Well, wait, that great didn't sound so great.

Well, my ex-wife and I thought they'd be a good idea, but we just started to

drift apart, so... Yeah, but I bet you didn't have another bed just for sex.

No, but she did at her personal trainer's house.

This chili is like an ice cube in my mouth.

I will say this, though. I'm going to get a king-size bed if Robin decides to

move in.

Oh, I'd like that.

If I move in. If you move in. Mm-hmm.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Tokyo Dawn.

You ever do this back in Japan?

Wasabi! Oh, my God, Bernie!

Awesome!

Get him some milk! Get out, Bernie! Get out!

Oh, we're out of milk.

But thanks for the reminder, Robin.

Oh,

that's sweet.

Well, I hope you're happy. Hey, I stand by what I did. It was bold and romantic.

You soiled yourself from both ends of your body.

Oh, come on. You have done...

tons of stupid stuff to impress Robin. Yeah, I did, but I don't anymore because

I'm over her, just like you are. You are not over her. You want her back just as

much as I do. You just won't let yourself go there. That is ridiculous,

and I'll tell you why.

For my biographer? Just focus on the letter, okay?

Dear Ted Robin is the perfect girl for you, but she doesn't want to be in a

serious relationship You need someone who wants to settle down so until

Robin's ready for that next step.

She's not your girl Still I'll always remember stealing her the blue French

horn our first kiss the look in her eye when she told me She loved me

Now I want her back

So that night, your Uncle Barney and I sat down to have a calm, rational

discussion about who deserved Robin more.

No! I stole her a blue French whore and I dated her for a year. I wanted her to

be the mother of my children and spend eternity in her arms. Gee, I want to

have sex with her at least one more time. She is mine!

She's not yours, and she's not mine either.

She's God's. You're right.

We've got to get rid of that guy. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, I'm figuratively.

Of course.

Or literally.

Oh, my God, Ted, this is how it starts. This is how it starts. I'm scared,

Teddy. I'm scared, Teddy. It's just you guys talking. It's just you guys

talking. Okay.

Okay. Marshall, I'm worried.

I don't want to get divorced.

Oh, baby.

Teddy, that's Dawn.

That's not us.

Our new sleeping arrangement is only going to bring us closer together.

Now get out of my bed.

Can we at least push them together?

Sure.

Oh, you meant the beds. No, I don't want to do that.

Why not?

Baby, I love you more than life itself, but you're a million degrees.

Honestly, I'm surprised your hourly pee breaks aren't just steam.

Well, you're no picnic in bed either. Oh, except for the food and the ants,

but... Well, I still want to be next to you. Why? So you can kick me and slap me

all night?

I swear to God, the second you fall asleep, it's like you grow extra limbs.

It's like spooning with a Hindu deity, Ganesh.

Want to push them together?

You still talking about the beds? Nope. Get over here.

Robin Stinson! Robin Mosby! Robin Stinson!

Ted Shcherbatsky! I'll take her name. I don't care. Okay, wait.

How about this? How about this? We share her.

I'll take her until she's 40, and then you can have her after that.

Oh, who are we kidding? Who are we kidding? She's with Don now. We just

have to accept that and move on. You're right.

I'm going to go to the bathroom,

and then I'll skedaddle.

Hello?

Robin, it's barn door.

Guess what? I'm open.

Hey, barn door, hang on, I'm getting another call.

Hello? Hey, Robin, it's Teddy Bear.

Need a little honey?

No. Ted, hang on.

Okay. Hey, Barney, I'm going to have to call you back. Ted's on the other line,

and I think he's in trouble.

Ted's calling you? Oh, he's in trouble, all right.

Ted, what's up?

You have pretty hair.

That's what's up. And down your back.

Well, we almost let that get out of control.

Reed,

I'm gonna get out of here before we do something we regret.

Robin!

Robin, I love you!

You son of a bitch!

Sorry, buddy. All's fair.

Oh, God. Guys, what are you doing?

Robin, I'm here to win you back.

Hey, guys, why don't you come upstairs?

Wait.

All right, Don.

Let's settle this. You, me, and Ted.

Yeah, a three-way.

Look, guys, Robert and I have to go do our show, so why don't you have a seat

on the couch, watch some television, and we'll talk about this when we get back,

okay?

You give up easy.

Game, set, match.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Where's this TV you've been bragging about? It's right here.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Good night, boys. Night. Night, night, Papa.

That was nice.

Well, you gots to go.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry.

That was a blast, and you're great, but I have to be up early, so... You're just

kicking me out?

You knew what this was.

Lily, wait.

Don't forget your sweatshirt. Nice try.

Teddy Bear, barn door.

Papa? Rise and shine, jackasses.

So, do you guys remember anything from last night?

Yeah.

Boy, was Ted drunk.

Embarrassing.

I'm really sorry. We both are.

We were drunk and stupid.

But we're going to do anything we can to make sure that Don feels a part of the

group.

Don's not going to be a part of the group.

And neither am I.

At least for a while.

Guys, this thing with Don is real.

And I want to see where it goes.

And I'll never be able to do that if I keep hanging out with my ex-boyfriends

all the time.

It just won't work.

I'm moving in with Don.

It should be boredom by now.

I know the tricks.

So, uh, what's going on with Robin?

You were right. She was just mad. It's been four days. She hasn't said another

word about moving out. But listen, we can never pull crap like that ever

again.

Agreed. In fact, I even wrote myself another letter.

Dear future Barney.

You think you want Robin back again, but you really don't.

Let her go.

Sincerely, Past Barney.

Let me see that. Hey, hey, give it to me.

P.S. That top part was just for Ted. Did he buy it? Good.

Now get back together with Robin, but don't mention your plan to Ted, because

he'll just screw it up again.

And then there's more drawings of boobs.

Okay, okay.

In my defense, how great are boobs?

They're pretty great.

So... Oh, I go for it every time.

Robin! Just like a heavy

drinker.

I go for it every time. A

glam and sinker.