Original subtitles

Kids, your Aunt Lily has always been one of those people who loves their

birthday. Loves it.

It's my birthday!

So it's a good thing she married Marshall.

It's still my birthday!

Because he loves planning birthdays.

Feliz cumpleaños, baby!

The theme of today's birthday breakfast in bed is...

Spanish interlude.

How on earth did we end up in the lyrical rolling hills of

northern Spain?

Baby, tonight is going to be so much fun. Just the five of us, black tie

dinner, and Ted is picking up your favorite cognac pumpkin cheesecake from

Edgar's. Okay, I am off to run your super secret birthday errand.

And I'm taking this guy with me because I don't like the way he's looking at

you. Yay.

A new camera? Oh, thank you, Marshall. I love it.

Well, a little bonus.

I took some naked pictures of myself before I wrapped it. Put a bow on it.

There wasn't a bow on it?

Wrong kit.

Thank you, honey. I'm going to get some great shots of our little group with

this.

Now, kids, you've seen your Aunt Lily's photo albums.

Leather bound, acid-free paper, adorable handwritten captions, and most

importantly, the group shot.

Cute photo, right, kids?

But what you don't see is what happened ten seconds before this picture was

taken.

Okay, I want to get the perfect group shot.

Marshall, sit between Robin and Barney. Why?

Oh, you know, light, color, balance, aperture.

You're just saying camera words.

Wait, you don't want Barney and me to look like a couple in this picture, do

you? Of course I don't. You two aren't going to last. I'm going for timeless

here. How dare you?

That's so rude.

It's true.

Totally true. We're running on fumes here, but still rude.

We hated Lily's group shots.

Okay, maybe I get a little bossy, but I just want to remember those times.

Like tonight.

I can't imagine a better birthday than being here with just my four best

friends. Yay!

And Ted's here now. Yay!

Happy birthday!

This is Amanda.

And Amanda!

Yay!

Ted, you were supposed to bring a cheesecake, but instead you brought two

grocery bags and a woman we've never seen before. Hi, I'm Marshall. Welcome

to our home. Start talking.

Well, Amanda's going to make Lily a cake. She's a chef.

We met when I was at a restaurant last week, and I sent some soup back.

Luckily, she's got such pretty hair, I didn't mind eating a little bit of it.

They call me the cheddar at work.

I'm so glad you're making my birthday cake.

In honor of Lily's 32nd birthday, I've got a lot of great games planned,

starting with Lilial Pursuit. Ah, clever.

Okay, who's got number one?

I do.

Of course you do. Okay, Amanda goes first.

32 seconds on the clock to answer as many questions as possible.

And go. Question one, what is Lily's favorite color?

Well, she's wearing pink, so I'm going to say pink.

Okay, that's Robin.

Oh, uh, her favorite color is elbow.

I believe Ted was mouthing the word yellow.

Which also would have been wrong.

This game is called Gilding the Lily. Nice. Thank you.

Okay, you've all written down your favorite things about the birthday girl.

And Lily, Pat, you guess who wrote what.

Lily makes everyone in her life, from her friends to her students.

Lily's a kindergarten teacher. That's what he means by students.

Feel loved. She makes the best oatmeal raisin cookies ever. Can recite every

line from Goonies. Lily saw Goonies in the theater right after her parents

separated for a long time. After that, she had real trouble trusting people.

And she's the strongest person I've ever met.

I can't imagine my life without her. I love you, Lily.

Robin.

Of course it was me.

Aw, so sweet. I don't care.

Lily, let me try to guess who wrote this.

You seem really nice.

Oh.

I'm gonna guess Amanda.

No, that was me.

And I meant every word.

Well, I should get back to that cake.

Okay, let me know if you need anything.

Quick, let's do the group photo. Everybody gather around the fireplace.

Hang on. I'll let Amanda know. Oh, no, that's okay. She's busy in the kitchen.

Let's not bother her. Come on.

Hey, hang on a second. You don't want Amanda in the photo, do you?

No, no. It's just, you know, autofocus, shutter speed.

Lily, what's going on?

Oh, it's a party hat.

Hey, look.

Look, I'm a bird.

Let's all be birds.

Lily, tell me the truth.

No, of course not. I'm not going to let another one of your dumb... Skanks ruin

my precious memories.

Lily, what are you talking about?

Ted, you always do this. You bring girls that we barely know to all our big group

events. I do not.

Oh, really?

Oh, well, let's just take a little walk down random skank lane.

Or we could just keep on strolling down Best Birthday Ever Avenue.

Do I get a vote?

Skank Lane.

Skank Lane.

Hey, hey, guys, I've composed a song for the evening. Follow along. The chorus

goes like this.

Happy, happy lily day.

Happy, happy lily day. Christmas morning four years ago.

Our first Christmas together, just the five of us.

Oh, Ted, here's another fun little trivia game. It's called Name That

Bitch.

It's... It is sad sand...

Wrong. You're thinking of Santa because it was Christmas. Fun fact. Each year,

my mother has Easter tea with her friend Bunny.

Okay, not that fun.

I remember her name. It's Sarah. Close.

It's Leilani. She just had to come to Christmas because you said, guys, she

might be the one.

And she's not the only might be the one.

New Year's Eve, 2007.

Barney, Lily, Robin, Ted, Marshall, and she's the one, Emily.

Robin's Uncle Cecil's funeral.

Marshall, Lily, Robin, Barney, Ted, and... This just proves you find the one

when you're not looking, Isabel.

My appendix surgery.

Robin, Marshall, Barney, Lily, Ted, and... Well, this one you admitted. You

were just trying to bang.

Respect.

Oh, hey.

Remember this yoga instructor you brought to my birthday last year?

You.

Thank you. Oh, my God. You guys are not going to believe who just came in. Don't

look. Don't look.

Why aren't you looking?

It's Slash from Guns N' Roses.

Group shot. Group shot.

And we got it. We got a picture with Slash on my birthday. Awesome, right?

Right? We were there. We know how this ends.

Wrong.

You know what's funny about this picture?

He was grabbing my ass. Really? He was grabbing my ass, too?

He was grabbing my ass, too. How many hands does that guy have?

No wonder he's such a good guitarist. Actually, um, sorry, dude. I thought

that you were Lily.

Wait a second. Look at these pictures again.

Barney has the same pose in each shot, and these are, like, years apart.

Ah, yes, about that.

I never take a bad picture.

Never have, never will.

There has to be a bad picture of you. Nope, not one. What about from

elementary school? Everyone has bad pictures from school.

Not the barnacle.

I always look drop-dead stone cold amazing.

Unlike Marshall, who just looks dead, stoned, and cold.

He was right, kids.

Your Uncle Marshall does a lot of things well, but he does not take a good

picture.

They're not all bad, okay? Like, here.

Here, look at this one. My eyes are open.

Oh, you did put a bow on it.

Chip and dip, Ernie?

Sure.

Aha!

Got it.

A bad picture.

Is it, though?

No, wait. You were eating a chip.

Where's the chip?

It is physically impossible for me to take a bad picture. I don't know why.

Ask God.

Look, Lily, I'm sorry about Amanda, but I'm just going to say it. You are being

a birthday brat.

You're all bent out of shape just because you think I ruined a couple

pictures? Oh, Ted, these girls have ruined so many events.

Or are you forgetting Paris?

What happened in Paris?

It was junior year, and I was studying abroad in Paris and hadn't seen Marshall

for two months.

Two months. And I had just started having sex. I wasn't ready to stop for

two months.

that Marshall was coming to visit over spring break. And at the last minute,

Ted decided to come with the girl he had just gotten back together with, Karen.

Karen.

I'm so excited you're here.

I'm so excited to go to Paris. I'm so excited to have sex again.

But just before the plane took off... Wayne, I want to tell you something.

Really? Because I think I want to tell you the same thing.

Is your thing I had sex with my philosophy professor last night?

Because that's my thing.

And thus began the longest seven and a half hours of Marshall's life.

And I

picked them up at the airport.

Ted broke up with me.

I need to sleep in your room this week.

Marshall can bump its head.

Two months.

My balls were bleu.

Bleu!

This will come as no shock, but the rest of the trip was terrible.

And

all

I wanted was a romantic kiss picture in front of the Eiffel Tower, which I

actually did get.

It just happened to be between Karen and Francois, our waiter from the day

before.

Wow, that was just awful.

Just, just, just... Oh, oopsies, hey, I dropped my phone. You mind picking it up

for me? Yeah, sure.

Smile, you son of a bitch!

Got it!

Did you, though?

Wait, how did you do that? You weren't even standing up!

The camera loves me, Robin.

More than loves me. The camera lusts after me. The camera wants to put on

some nice lingerie, pop in an Al Green CD, dim the lights, and do all the work

while I just lie there with my eyes closed.

Look, I'm sorry about Paris and all the ruined group shots, but when you're

single, you gotta hope that each next new girl is the one. I mean, Erin.

Emily. Irene.

Isabelle. And Sarah. It's Leilani. What is wrong with you?

At the time, yes, I thought each of these girls could be the one, but I

gotta stay hopeful.

I mean, what's the alternative?

Here's the alternative. How about no more random skanks at my birthday?

Hey, sweetie.

Do you guys have a cooling rack?

Oh, drawer under the oven. Can't wait. You're just the best.

Ted, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to agree with Lily on this.

I mean, these kind of events are hard for a new person. That's why I didn't

bring Don tonight.

I mean, when I lived in Japan, this guy for our third date brought me to his

brother's wedding.

Now I, a total stranger, am in that Japanese couple's wedding picture for

all eternity.

Yeah,

Ted, I think you should listen to Robin. Right.

Right, because...

Because Robin's your best friend. Exactly.

Your best friend in the whole world. Absolutely.

Careful, Lily, it's a trap.

And before she was your best friend, what was she?

Oh, that's right. One of my random skanks. Hey.

Okay. Yes, Ted. This particular skank happened to work out, but she's the

skanky exception, not the skanky rule.

I'm crying a little bit. Okay. Hey, guys. That about wraps up this whole

skank conversation.

Let's get back to the birthday song.

Okay. Barney, your part goes like this.

She's cute.

She's cute.

She's cute.

Lily, I bring girls to these events because you guys are important to me.

You're my family. Hey, Robin. Hey, Robin. Robin. Your part goes like this.

And nice.

And nice.

And also nice.

Yes, we're a family. So why can't these events ever just be us?

Like the time we celebrated Marshall passing the bar exam.

Hey, guys.

This is the disgusting, smelly hippie I'm dating.

Oh, hey.

I did not say that.

Well, you might as well have.

Hey, guys. This is Strawberry.

Hey.

Um, should we order some more food?

Oh, no.

Strawberry's not eating.

I'm a vegetarian.

Okay.

Well, let's all raise a glass.

For the last three years, Marshall has been working so hard, and I am so proud

of you. Me is murder!

Okay,

I admit it. Strawberry was a mistake. But how could I have known that going

in? Her name was Strawberry.

Look, if it's such a big deal, Amanda doesn't have to be in the group photo.

But I promise she's not going to ruin your birthday. Just give her a chance.

See, look, guys, we're all friends again. Now let's work on those

harmonies.

Happy, happy little day.

Happy, happy little day.

All done.

I hope you like it.

Happy 42nd birthday, Lori.

Kids, you know how I've told you about Lily's you're dead to me look? That

expression she gets just before she explodes in white hot rage?

Well, this wasn't it.

But this was Marshall's.

42nd? Does this hot piece of ass look 42 to you? Or, or, does

she look like her name is Lori?

Oh, Marshall, it's okay. No, Lily, it's not okay. Ted, get this stranger out of

my house. I am so sorry.

Out!

Happy, happy Lily Day.

Happy, happy Lily Day.

Well, Amanda refused to come back. She thinks you guys hate her.

Marshall, you have to go apologize.

You ruined Lily's birthday, and you want me to apologize? If anything, you should

apologize to me. What are you talking about?

Ted, you bring girls to these intimate events, and it makes them think that

things are really serious. And then when you break up with them, you know who

they turn to?

Me. I've been your girlfriend cleanup crew for years.

February 2005.

I had just come back from a marathon study session at the law library.

Hey. Hey, Natalie. Where's Ted?

We broke up.

Again.

Uh-oh.

Would you sit with me for a little while?

Just said.

Oh, man, you know what? I've been up for like 36 hours.

Just for a few minutes.

And at first, I was completely sympathetic.

But damn it, Ted, over the years, you've made me cynical.

You know what? I'm going to go get us some Rocky Road, and we're just going to

sit here and talk it out until it makes sense.

I just thought we had something so special, you know?

Me too, yeah.

But, you know, life goes on, sweetheart.

I don't know how I'm gonna put my life back together after this. Oh, shut up.

Well, I'm sorry my search for true love has been such an inconvenience to you

guys. You know what?

Maybe your precious pictures would look a lot better if I wasn't in them.

They'd look a lot better if Marshall weren't in them, cheap shot.

Cheap shot.

You know what these pictures are, Lily?

They're a big, fat lie.

They're posed. They're touched up. They're what you want our life to be,

not what it is. That's not true.

Oh, yeah?

Okay, look at this one.

Halloween, two years ago. You and Marshall got in a huge fight because you

didn't want to dress up as penguins. No, no, no. It's not just that she didn't

want to. It's that she called penguins lame.

Penguins.

And yet, here you are, smiling like nothing's wrong. Completely phony.

Oh! Robin's birthday, three years ago. Robin had a cold, and you made her

change out of her pajamas for the picture.

And then you pinched my cheeks really hard to get some color in them.

Yeah, but you look pretty.

And then we all ate chocolate cake in my bed.

Actually, that was a really nice night.

Yeah, it was.

Yeah, I guess it was.

Hey, look at this one.

This is the first picture the three of us ever took together.

That's right, it was.

Hey, you remember how it happened?

Okay, ready?

Wait, wait, wait. What pose should we do?

Buddy cop picture?

Oh, no, no, no. What about an 80s sitcom about two roommates who never agree on

anything?

Nice. Okay, one, two.

Hi, Marshall.

Ready for the movie?

Um, yeah. Just a second, though, okay? We're about to make history. We're about

to take our first ever roommate picture. Yeah.

Hey, why don't you get in the picture, too?

Really? Yeah.

What are you doing, Ted? What if we break up?

What if you don't?

Come on.

I forgot all about that.

Marshall and I had just been dating a few weeks, and you invited me into the

picture.

I liked you.

We have to get Amanda back.

Really? Ted, you believed in me. It's my turn to believe in you.

For all I know, she's the one.

Thanks, Lil.

I think Lori's age has made her very wise.

They say your 40s are when you really get to know yourself.

So your Aunt Lily called Amanda.

All right, people, gather around.

Let's make a memory.

Okay, Marshall.

Marshall, try this.

Keep your eyes closed until the last second, and when I say so, open them.

Okay.

Hey, Barney, is that a hole in your suit jacket?

What? Where?

Now, Marshall.

Damn it!

Ted, name that bitch.

Bertha?

No, it was my birthday.

Your brain makes associations in a very obvious way.

All right, people, gather around. Let's make a memory.

Hey, Robin, what's in this dip that you made?

But it tastes like cilantro.

And you know that cilantro makes me...