Original subtitles

Kids, we all have different ways of dealing with nerves.

It'll just be a few more minutes, Mr. Stinson.

Some people chew their nails.

Some people tap their feet.

And some people imagine they're being interviewed by renowned sportscaster Jim

Nance. Hello, friends.

Every sport has had an icon who transcends the game.

Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan, and the sport of sleeping with random

hotties has my next guest, Mr. Barney Stinson.

Barney, welcome.

Thanks, Jim. Great to be back on the show. Good to have you with us. And, you

know, the stats, they really speak for themselves.

Over 200 women spanning six continents, 17 nationalities, 74 sexual positions,

and not a single fatty. It's impressive.

Hey, with all these accomplishments, though, there's one Laurel that's always

eluded you, which brings us to last week. What was the story there?

Buckle up, Jimbo.

This one's a doozy.

It all started when I decided to set myself a little challenge.

Oh, my God. Whoa.

He's calling his shot. Whatever girl I'm pointing to right now, that's who I'm

going home with tonight.

And... Play ball!

Hey. Hey. Hey.

How'd the date with Dale go?

You know, sometimes that guy with the horn-rimmed glasses and the Smurfs T

-shirt is just being ironic.

Sometimes he is a dork with a lazy eye and a love-hate relationship with

Gargamel. Robin, just because a guy talks a lot about a fictional character

on a first date doesn't mean he's not husband material.

Sasquatch isn't fictional.

That was quick.

So night one, It was pretty routine.

Jim, there's nothing routine about the way I get down.

Respect.

Take us to night two.

See that hottie over there nursing a black Russian?

She's about to chase that with a white American up top!

You know, if you're not careful, you're gonna lose me.

Hey guys, what should I say when Dale calls for a second date?

How do you know he's gonna call?

You're cute, Marshall.

But I think Mama knows when a dude's digging the show.

I mean, he couldn't keep his good eye off of me.

Well, let him down easy.

People are fragile.

I mean, sometimes without even meaning to, you might rip someone's beating

heart out and stomp on it in a room full of 26 people and a teacher's assistant.

How'd school go today, Ted? Something bad happened.

First class of the new semester.

Jamie Adamek.

Well done.

Adding a fake name to the sign-up sheet. That's real original, guys.

You know, I'd expect inspired minds such as yours to be a little more mature and,

frankly, more creative. I mean, seriously.

What kind of a fake name is Cook Poo?

Here.

Come on, guys. It's got to at least sound real.

Cook Poo?

Here. Whatever happened to the classics, right? You know, Seymour Butts, Huge

Erection, those were fake names, but Cook Poo?

Here. Cook Poo!

She's back here, bro.

All right, come on, let me have it. Bring on all the Cook Poo jokes.

Oh, we're not gonna make jokes, Ted.

And that girl must be really down in the dumps.

You really smeared the poo name.

You guys finished?

Are you asking us if all the poo was out of our system?

Wow, back-to-back nights. Barney is on fire.

That girl's lucky.

Barney was the best sex I ever had.

He's the best friend I've ever had. He's everything I want Marshall to be. He's

everything I wish I could be. I'm just assuming that's what they say when I'm

not around.

I buy it. You're awesome.

Now, night three.

Paint us a word picture.

Jim, I could tell I was on a roll, so I decided to mix things up a little bit.

I think I'm going to go small boobs tonight.

You're disgusting.

Lily, they're people, too.

Here's your burgers. Oh, thank you. Thanks. What, you're not sharing? You

two always share a burger.

No, I don't. We're not like weirdos who share everything. Ah, yeah, you are.

That's exactly what you are. We're perfectly normal.

Guys, what's going on?

you know how lily and i have been looking for new couple friends ever

since we lost robin and barney and ted and stella and ted and robin and ted and

victoria geez ted when are you gonna get your life together how did we end up

here we went on a great double date last night we were cool we were casual we

didn't spaz out and then one tiny little detail came out and the whole night was

ruined ruined

And Joanna's toothbrush flips off the side of the sink, hits the ceiling, and

falls right into the toilet. Come on.

That's crazy. Last week, the same thing happened to our toothbrush.

Our toothbrush?

Our toothbrush?

Our toothbrush?

Yeah. Like, one toothbrush?

That you both use?

Every day?

Is that weird?

Super weird.

Marshall, four out of five dentists just threw up in their mouths.

Hey, check it out. Barney's leaving with another girl.

Wow, three girls and three nights.

That's gross even for Barney.

Gross? Are you kidding? He's on his way to a perfect... Don't say it.

You jinx it.

Jinx what?

I was on my way toward a perfect week.

The perfect week.

Seven nights, seven girls, zero rejections. Incredible.

I mean, it's really like the sexual equivalent of baseball's perfect game,

but even rarer. Yeah. The only player in history to have ever achieved both was

mustache Pete Drexel back in 1896.

Now, this wasn't the first time you'd come close to a perfect week. You

learned the hard way, though. One mistake.

And it's all over.

Sometimes a teammate makes an error.

Sometimes one wild pitch.

You, me, the canned food aisle in the bodega next door.

Leads to a walk.

And sometimes you just lose focus.

And that almost always leads to a hit.

But this week you were three for three with no sign of slowing down. I could do

no wrong.

Wish I could say the same for my friends.

Cook didn't show up for class today.

I'm sorry.

Cook? Yeah, it's Ted. We know, like, a ton of people named Cook. Yeah.

Cook poo.

Uh-oh, here we go. The dreaded Dale call.

Oh, it's my mom.

She's going through some pretty major league health stuff.

God, why won't that guy... I call.

Wait a minute.

You want him to call? No.

Shut up.

Don't you guys have like a toothbrush to share or something?

Yeah. When did you guys even start doing that anyway? Like years ago. You should

know. We live with you.

Yeah, we always kept your toothbrush in the bedroom. Also weird, by the way.

No, we kept it in the bathroom.

No, there was only one toothbrush in the bathroom and it was mine.

Wait.

Are you saying that for eight years, all three of you shared one toothbrush?

Kill me.

Kill me!

So you're through four nights.

You're over the hump.

Nice chin.

Hey, I try.

I'm no you.

But then came night five.

And with it, trouble.

How's Barney doing tonight?

Cool as a cucumber, just like he's been all week. Yeah, it's hard to believe.

Why? Apparently this big merger fell through last week and Barney's being

blamed for it.

Well, that's weird. He hasn't said anything.

Look, I work with the guy. I didn't find out until this afternoon when I walked

by his boss's office.

I've never seen Barney look that scared.

I think he's going to get fired.

I can't believe Barney might get fired.

Yeah, they're having a meeting on Friday to determine whether or not he keeps his

job. Poor guy. He must be freaking out.

I'm going to go talk to him. No, you can't distract a man in the middle of

a... You know what?

Oh, come on. This is his career. This is much more important than some stupid

person. Barney!

Okay, okay.

You can lick my hand as long as you want. I'm not going to let you ruin

his... Guys,

we need to talk to him.

I'll go.

He needs a bro.

Hey, buddy.

Hey. Everything all right?

Absolutely. Sure.

Top of the world.

Who am I kidding?

I need your help.

Anything, buddy. What is it?

Which one of these girls looks the dumbest?

All right, kid.

Let's check the scouting report.

What about the heater?

High and outside?

All right.

I'd go with the slider.

Thanks, Skip.

Yep.

So, what'd he say?

Oh, yeah, he's gonna take a swat at the Hamburglar over there.

You were supposed to talk to him about losing his job.

Lily, how is forcing him to dwell on a problem he can do nothing about going to

help him? How is ignoring it going to solve anything?

Well, you ignored good dental hygiene for the better part of a decade, and you

seem to be doing just fine.

Dale Paul yet?

Guys, guys, guys, look.

Barney, I'm going to stop you for a second. There's something I have to ask.

Have you ever used performance-enhancing drugs?

No, sir.

I respect the game too much.

Although, I can't say I haven't been offered.

Dude, it was pretty awesome.

You should try it. I have some more.

No, thanks.

You sure?

All right, see yourself.

What time is it?

It's 8 o'clock.

8 o'clock?

I need to go to the hospital.

I've never touched this stuff.

You can test me if you want, Jim Nance. Barney, I trust you. I regret I even

asked you the question, okay? Let's go to night six.

Two girls away from perfection.

Honest to God. Hey, hey.

Dude, what are you doing here? Get down to the bar.

Ted, relax.

I'm already six for six.

Really? Yeah.

I was lunching at Tavern on the Green. I started chatting up this Swedish

supermodel. Next thing you know, I'm playing a day game in the back of a

horse-drawn carriage.

Giddy what up?

Awesome.

What really happened?

I had lunch at a Staten Island Chili's and banged a drunk hairdresser. Are you

happy, Truthy McGee?

Barney, we know you might get fired.

Wait, you have to talk about this. You are just using meaningless sex to

distract yourself from a really serious issue.

It is not meaningless, okay?

Number five and I really connected. She's going back to school or has a kid

in school. Something about school.

So today one of my students told me Cook is dropping my class. Oh, my God.

Poo dropped out?

She is flushing her education down the toilet.

Any word from Dale?

It's only been five days. He's gonna call. Why do you care anyway? You said

he was a total dork. Okay, do not talk about Dale that way, okay? He is twice

the man you will ever be.

Dr. Big, if you can't find another job, sell your place.

Marshall and I have an extra room. You can stay there as long as you need. Make

sure you bring your own toothbrush.

Lily, what are you doing? Talking to my friend who's going through a really

tough time. He's doing fine.

Trying to sleep with seven women in seven nights is not doing fine.

It's a cry for help. Barney's whole life is a cry for help. But you don't mess

with a man when he's in the middle of a per... What?

Perfect week?

Oh,

perfect week, perfect week, perfect week! Grow up!

Unbelievable. You know, there's two things you don't do. One, you don't open

an email from Phil Simms in front of your kids.

And two, you don't jinx a man going for a perfect week. I don't know what to

tell you. Lily's always messing with me. I think she has a thing for the

barnacle.

You're a keen observer of the human condition, Jim Nance.

I can't believe you jinxed him.

He doesn't stand a chance out there.

Okay, question.

If I ruined everything, why is Barney totally hitting it off with third

martini girl over there?

Oh, my God. She's going to do it. Yeah. See?

There is no such thing as a jinx.

Tell me she didn't say there's no such thing as a jinx. Wish I could.

You were about to achieve something so beautiful.

Well, well, thanks to her, the only thing that could ruin a surefire hookup

was about to walk through that door.

A member of the 2009 World Champion New York Yankees.

Lily, I'm getting my own toothbrush.

I guess that's it.

Arnie's streak ends at six.

What? Why? Because that guy with the weird hair just walked in?

That's Nick Swisher.

He's a New York Yankee.

No normal guy in New York City can compete with a Yankee. And it doesn't

even have to be a current Yankee. When I first moved here, I was on a fourth date

with a girl I really liked until I got rack-jacked by Phil Rizzuto.

I was there.

Holy cow, that guy had game.

No, I'm not seeing it.

Okay, let me try to Canada this up for you, eh?

How would you react if one of those kachak guys with the skates and the

sticks walked in here?

Lily... If one of the Vancouver Canucks walked in here, my panties would drop so

hard there would be a hole in the floor halfway to China. That's what it's like

with the Yankees. Oh, Barney's screwed.

What's happening?

Hey, want to come over and look at my snow globe collection?

Snow globe collection? He's throwing junk out there.

That is Nick Swisher.

Good game, good game, good game.

Not good enough.

This whole week was a waste.

And tomorrow, I'm going to get fired.

I'm really sorry, dude.

But for what it's worth, this week wasn't a waste.

We were all having a really horrible week, and you took our minds off it.

Yeah, I had my first student drop my class. It sucked.

I met my soulmate, and he never called me back. I mean, yet.

He will.

He will.

We scared off a really great couple just because we share a toothbrush.

You share a toothbrush?

Well, them and Ted.

Wait a second. When we were dating, you borrowed that toothbrush all the time.

Oh, my God.

And that's when Aunt Lily realized what's great about sports.

They take your mind off your troubles, if only for a moment.

And deep down, we all needed that perfect week.

The second she sits down next to Swisher, it's all over.

Wait a minute.

Baldwin's got a beat on her.

She's running out of room.

She dives and...

I have no idea where she's going with this. Oh, my God. Are you okay? Yeah.

Oh, sorry. I'm such a klutz. Oh, thanks.

Oh, boy.

I think I twisted my ankle. Can you get me some ice?

Of course.

Oh, my God.

She did it.

I guess there is no such thing as a jinx.

What?

Oh, I'll get you some ice, Lily.

Damn it.

Swisher's back in play.

Swisher's back in play. Follow me.

Hey, Nick Swisher, this guy and his wife share a toothbrush.

So? So, that's weird, right?

Actually, I think it's kind of sweet.

In a way, aren't we all trying to find that special someone to share a

toothbrush with?

Excuse me.

Lily, Nick Swisher thinks we're sweet.

Martini?

We're having a beer with a New York Yankee. How cool is that?

It's amazing. I totally follow baseball.

Mookie Wilson.

Is that a thing?

Yeah, baseball.

It's amazing.

But I tell you one thing, it's no hockey.

I live right upstairs.

What do you say we go back to my place?

Wow. To be honest, I don't normally do that, but I feel a real connection here,

Seven. Christie?

Please.

I did it!

I did it!

Amazing!

Congratulations on your perfect week. Thanks, Jim. I couldn't have done it

without my teammates.

Hey, on to a new topic. Do you really think you might get fired today?

Um, Jim,

I told you I don't want to talk about that.

Barney, I'm a figment of your imagination, so apparently you do think

about that.

What a jerk.

You're a jerk.

Mr.

Donovan, we'll see you now.

Stinson, we've reached a decision.

We're keeping you on.

I know this past week must have been tough on you.

I barely slept.

Here you go, guys. The official hat of Barney's perfect week.

I was going to do shirts, but then you have to guess sizes and feelings get

hurt. It's a mess.

In commemoration of Barney's induction into the Hall of Game.

This tie worn on the seventh night of his perfect week is hereby retired.

May Barney's heroic feat be remembered and spoken of for generations to come.

I'm totally going to sit my kids down one day and tell them about the time

Uncle Barney nailed seven chicks in a row.

Am I a bad dad?

Take out order for cook poo.

over here for cook poo you guys got wendy saying it now come on i okay i get

it cook poo is a stupid name and it gets stupider and stupider the more you say

it cook poo cook poo cook poo