Original subtitles

Kids, when you're in your 30s and live in New York, there's a few places you

just never want to be.

Times Square on New Year's Eve?

Rockefeller Center around Christmas time?

Yeah. But most of all... A college bar?

Oh man, we're probably going to run into my students. They're going to corner me

and want a free lecture.

I don't even have my slide projector.

Ted, I've been skee-ball champ here since law school. I have to pop in at

least once a month to maintain my record.

Whoa, looks like you've been gone a while. Some guy named Big Fudge has been

cleaning up. Yeah, he has.

And you're Big Fudge, the biggest.

Um, so by the way, I have to tell you something. Yeah.

I, uh, invited Jenkins.

Jenkins? No way. We'd all started hearing about Jenkins a few weeks

earlier. You guys will not believe what Jenkins did this time. Who's Jenkins?

Oh, he's this hilarious new lawyer at Marshall's office.

Hilarious. Okay, so there's this jar of maraschino cherries in the fridge at

work. So Jenkins says, 200 bucks, I'll eat the whole jar.

So we give Jenkins 200 bucks.

And Jenkins ate the whole jar.

And after that, the stories kept coming. So the CFO comes in to sign some

acquisition papers.

So Jenkins goes, excuse me, Mr. Wilcox, I think we forgot one of the documents.

Jenkins!

So we all go out for beers after work.

Jenkins gets up on the table and starts gyrating like some sort of deranged

stripper. Next thing you know, off comes the shirt. It was so gross.

Well,

it'd be great to finally meet the famous Jenkins after all those stories. Yeah.

And there's about to be one more story.

I'm going to bang Jenkins.

What? You heard me.

You want to have sex with Jenkins? With Jenkins, on Jenkins, near Jenkins, you

name it. I want to wear Jenkins like a sock.

You... But you're... Haven't you all... I'm... Really? Hey, guys.

Ted, this is Jenkins.

This

is

going to sound crazy, but I thought Jenkins was a guy.

That's crazy. What gave you that idea?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe the whole Jenkins peed out the window of a cab

story? Yeah. Much more impressive now, isn't it? Yeah.

Okay, I'll come clean.

It all started a few weeks ago.

By the way, four eyes, new lawyer. This is Jenkins.

Watch out for this guy. He steals stuff.

I don't steal stuff.

And I don't wear glasses.

I'm Marshall.

Hi, Marshall.

So, are you really a Vikings fan, or was he lying about that, too?

Why? Is this a trap? Are you a Packers fan? My wife knows I'm here. She doesn't

have money, but what she does have is a very special set of skills.

I'm a Vikings fan, too. I bleed purple and gold. I'm from Pelican Rapids.

Pelican Rapids?

No way. Yeah. My grandpa lives in Pelican Rapids. Well, I mean, he's dead

now, but he haunts a barn off Route 108.

Whoa. Hold it. Hold it, dude.

If you tell me you have a thing for a woman that is not your wife, I will drag

you outside and kick your ass.

Okay. First of all,

Come on, buddy.

You can't handle the fudge.

Second of all, no, I think of her like a big brother who, I guess, has boobs. But

so does my oldest brother, Marvin Jr. Anyway, that night I told Lily about it.

Jenkins. I can't wait to meet him.

I should have corrected her.

It would have been so easy.

But I didn't. So after that, whenever I talked about Jenkins, I always avoided

pronouns.

So the head of marketing comes in to choose people for the Midwest audit.

So he goes, him, him, her, him, him, Jenkins, him, her.

Look, I don't understand why you wouldn't just tell Lily. Do you really

think she'd be all that jealous?

Ted, think about those stories I told you.

Yeah, I could see how that'd be a problem.

Exactly. That's why Lily can't find out. Lily can't find out what?

That Marshall's gonna buy her a horse.

You are?

That is so awesome. I love those things.

Guys, why is that kid over there staring at me?

I think I know what this is.

I think it has finally happened.

I'm getting recognized for my show.

Oh, Robin, that is so cute.

But that's Scotty. He's one of my students, and he's looking at me. How

weird is it that I'm more famous than you?

Not at all, because you're not. I'm on TV.

Yeah, and I have 30 students in my class. That's, what, 30 times your

viewership? Now this will give Scotty a little thrill. Buying a drink for the

old prof.

All right, Scotter, one question about neoclassical architecture, and that is

it. But you're Robin Chbosky, right?

What? Yes, I am. Wow.

I didn't mean to stare. It's just, I watch your show all the time.

Really?

Really? Totally.

What are you doing out with Ted?

Uh, it's Professor Mosby.

We're friends.

Holy crap!

Robin Chbotsky's friends with my econ professor. It's architecture.

All right, you know what, Scotty? You're proud of us. Hit the bricks.

Wait a minute, you're Big Fudge. Joe!

Hello? Hey, baby, I'm on my way up.

What? Why?

There was a measles outbreak at school, and they called a half day.

Thought I'd come by here, have lunch, maybe give you the measles.

Okay.

Um, I have a problem. That was my wife.

When I first mentioned you, she mistakenly thought you were a guy, and

so... So now you're worried that when she finds out I'm a woman, she's gonna

totally flip out.

Yes, exactly.

Oh, jeez, oh, gosh.

Okay, okay, I was in an improv group in Pelican Rapids.

Follow my lead. Okay.

Hey,

baby. Oh, hi.

I'm Lily, Marshall's wife.

Hi, Lily.

I'm from the French Embassy. I'm here because of a small but significant

cheese incident that occurred. She's Jenkins.

You're Jenkins?

Yeah, well, that, uh...

Camembert crisis isn't going to resolve itself, so I'll catch you guys on the

flip-flop.

Marshall cringed. This was the moment he had feared. The famous Jenkins.

How about that?

Funny, I was picturing a guy.

Anyhoo, lunch?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. So you're not jealous at all?

Oh, sweetie.

I never have to worry about you with another woman.

Right, because we're so hopelessly in love, right?

Yeah, sure.

Anyhoo, lunch?

She wasn't jealous at all. Of course she wasn't jealous. That's the whole dynamic

of your relationship.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's like this, my man.

Every good relationship has a reacher and a settler. Exactly. One person

reaches for someone out of their league. The other one settles for someone below

theirs. I did not settle for Lily. Okay, yes.

She's a little short and true. My mom says she doesn't have the hips to birth

an Erickson child, but it...

Oh, my God, you guys think I'm the reacher. That's why Lily's not jealous.

The settler is never jealous of the reacher because where's the reacher

gonna go? The settler Lily is the best thing that the reacher Marshall is ever

gonna get. No, no, okay.

Yes, I'm lucky to have Lily, but Lily is just as lucky to have me, okay?

Neither one of us is the reacher. Dude, you are so the reacher, you're getting

her a horse.

What? Shh.

Take the hit.

Take the hit.

Thus ending modern architecture's very brief experiment with the V-frame house.

Um, excuse me for a second.

What are you doing here? I noticed you forgot something this morning, so I

thought I'd bring it by. Your pen.

This is your pen.

And you chewed on the end of it.

Recently. Not a problem, Ted. Your class was on my way to work. No, it's not.

Come on! Get up, New York, where I'm an anchor, so... I watch your show all the

time.

What?

You watch the show?

Oh, well, paint me flattered. Any other fans out there?

Oh, we got... Okay, all right. Thanks for coming by, Robin. Well, tune in

tonight. I'm doing a great piece on snail poison.

Also, who's got the worst pizza in New York? I'll give you the answer after

traffic on the 1s, 3s, 5s, and 9s.

Really?

You guys watch her show?

It's like watching a well-lit aquarium, but not as interesting.

Now that I think about it, not as well-lit.

The truth is, we watch it for the drinking game.

The who now?

Her morning show comes on so early, we're usually still at the bar. So

whenever she does an interview, you have to drink every time she says, But um.

But um?

But um.

Apparently, she says it a lot.

It's funny.

I had a drinking game based on Robin, but it was actually on Robin.

I'd pour peach schnapps in her belly button. Dude, we agreed we wouldn't do

this. Sorry. You're right.

She didn't like it anyway.

Said it woke her up.

Does she really say butt um that much?

That night, we found out just how much she said it. Oh, that's great.

But, um... Butt um? Nice. This wasn't your first spelling bee, was it?

Nope. Third.

Oh, good for you.

But, um...

but um interesting

article

in the paper says that in every relationship there's a reacher and a

settler really let me see it no um in this newspaper it's in one I read a

while back this newspaper reminded me of the other newspaper.

Anyhoo, what do you think about that?

I guess sometimes that's the case.

But not in ours.

What? No, of course not.

Right.

Well, say, gun to your head, you had to say one of us was the reacher.

Well, I'd say it's neither.

That's what makes us great.

Okay.

Now, there's a gun to my head, and our future children, and our future cat or

monkey, depending on who wins the game of Risk we've been playing for three

years.

Nope. No reacher, no settler. Mm.

Mm. Mm.

Well, how about this? This went on for a while.

Until finally, our two kids, our eight grandkids, our 11 great

-grandkids are all on a plane piloted.

By Oprah.

And it's about to crash into an art museum with all of your favorite

paintings. And the only way, the only way to save everything is just to answer

the question. Are you the reacher or the settler?

And Oprah's tried everything.

Everything? You have to decide now.

Well, I guess if I had to say, then maybe I'd say I'm the settler. How could

you say that?

She thinks that she's the settler.

I mean, that's it. I gotta prove to her that I am not the reacher.

I gotta make her jealous.

Well, that's easy. Here's the plan. Step one, sleep with Jenkins.

Step two, I sleep with Jenkins first.

Step three, we do step two first. I'm gonna go get started on step two.

Okay. Okay, I got something.

Remember the other night, the skee-ball game, when you were putting nothing but

wood in the 50-hole?

Whatever. Just another night for Big Fudge.

You thought she was into me? Hold on, Lady Wood.

Yes, of course.

A plan taketh shape.

If Lady Lily's jealousy, young Marshall, cannot budge, then perchance

fair gentle's big fudge can make her jealous. Okay, let me try that

again. If Lady Lily's... I got it, buddy. I got it.

Ted, I have got a great idea.

Oh, is it clean your hair out of... the shower drain when you're done.

Seriously, it's like you're trying to carpet the tub.

If you wanted to print out one of your lectures or something, I could read it

on air coming from a more entertaining source.

Your students might actually pay attention and learn something. Oh,

you're entertaining?

Last night there was three minutes of dead air while you sewed a button back

on your sweater.

Look, just because your class likes me more than you. You're a drinking game!

What? That's why they watch.

They made a drinking game out of you. Every time you say, but, um, they do a

shot.

But, um?

Yeah.

I don't say, but, um. I've never said, but, um. Well, then, I guess it's not a

very good drinking game, which would mean last night when Barney and I played

it, I didn't get super wasted and throw up all over myself.

Oh, wait.

I did both of those things.

So, face.

Hey, Jenkins.

Hey, buddy.

Hey. So, um, Lily and I are going to go back to that college bar again.

And we were wondering if maybe you wanted to come.

You could just, like, watch me play skee-ball or do exactly what you did the

other night, something like that.

It's really up to you. I mean, I know that it's... Oh!

What are you doing home?

Baby, that's a name I don't deserve.

What? Jenkins kissed me.

She kissed me.

The other day, she saw me play skee-ball, and I don't know, I guess she

caught some of the big fudge fever.

But you have to know, I stopped it right away, and you're the only one for me,

baby.

Oh, I see what this is.

This is about the whole Reacher Settler thing.

Come again for Big Fudge?

You want to make me jealous, so you're making up a story about Jenkins.

I'm not making this up.

This happened. That woman kissed me with tongue.

Her tongue was in my mouth.

Sure it was.

It was thick and rough like a starfish arm. I'm so jealous.

I'm just going to go over there and punch her right in the... I know who's

give her a knuckle sandwich.

Come on, baby.

You want some soup?

It happened.

Do you have any split pea left?

These are just a few of the many contributions he made to architecture,

and yet he is only remembered for one thing.

That, my friends, is the sad legacy of Gregorio Franchetti Gazebo.

Any questions?

Hey, do you want to go out drinking with us tonight?

What? Yeah, we were going to play the Robin Chbosky drinking game. We were

wondering if you wanted to join us.

Well, what can I say except, bottoms up.

Can I still come?

I'll pay.

So, your third book was your breakout novel, but, um...

But, just but, no um, just but, your first novel was written more

quickly. Oh, that's correct.

But, um... But, oh!

How great is this?

And it was right then that Robin got an idea that would end the drinking game

forever. I wanted to ask you about the novel you're writing right now, but,

um... But, oh!

It's an idea you've had for, uh, but, um... But, oh!

No, no, no.

Don't drink. It's a trap.

I think I'm gonna go. And keep your ten bucks.

Okay. But, um, thanks for being with us. But, um, if there's any college kids

watching... We have to drink, Professor.

It's the rules.

She said, but, um... God help us all.

There you are.

Bro, I'm so sorry I kissed you yesterday.

That's okay.

And I'm sorry I had sex with you in the mail room.

That wasn't me.

Oh, good grief. That's two awkward conversations I have to have today.

I don't normally do that. I was really drunk.

You were drunk at 8 in the morning?

Yeah, I don't know how that happened.

I thought snail pellets were safe, but, um... But... I

gotta get to work.

That game is really catching on.

Damn it. How could I do this?

It's okay.

No, you know what? It's not okay.

You're the nicest guy in the stupid office, and I really don't want to screw

up our friendship.

This is so embarrassing. Please don't tell anyone.

No. Who am I going to tell?

Lily?

I told Lily.

For Pete's sake, I've got to go talk to her. I've got to apologize.

No. No. Yes, Marshall.

I'm just going to tell her that it happened, that it meant nothing, and

that I'm sorry.

No, I...

Yes. Yes.

Do that.

Yeah, and if you don't have time for all that, just tell her it happened and that

you're sorry. And if you're in a real rush, you don't even have to say I'm

sorry. Just tell her that it happened. That's the important part, that it

actually happened. So emphasize that as much as you can.

And so, Lily, I guess what I'm saying is it happened, I feel terrible about it,

and I'm really sorry.

Well, it happened.

What are you going to do?

It happened.

Terrible.

Like I said, it happened. Exactly, and I feel awful about it, and I'd hate myself

if what I did hurt you in any way or affected your relationship with

Marshall. Please forgive me.

Kiss my husband? My husband? Nobody kisses my future baby daddy but me!

Marshall, you're blocking the shot!

And kids, your Uncle Marshall never tried to make Lily jealous again.

Lil, that's good.

Okay, we're just gonna have a nice low-key class today.

Not a lot of talking.

No loud noises.

Sup, guys?

No, no, no, no, no. Please, just...

Go away.

I just wanted to drop by and say...