Original subtitles

Kids, back in 2009, your Aunt Robin was the host of a morning show for local New

York cable.

And it was on pretty early.

How early?

Mike, wake up.

But then, everything changed.

Hey. Hey.

See my show?

I meant to watch it. I just got so busy with the whole being sound asleep thing.

Took all night, eight hours down the drain.

It's fine.

But get this.

After the broadcast... Hi.

Are you Robin?

Yeah. I'm Don, your new co-host.

Don was Don Frank, a seasoned veteran of no fewer than 38 local morning news

teams from all over the country.

The guy was an industry legend.

Oh.

Wow, you are so gonna hit that.

No, I just think we're gonna be great together on the air.

And on the sofa, and on the bed, and on the coffee table.

All right, all right.

I'm gonna go up on the roof and stand there by myself for five minutes.

Have fun.

And that's exactly what she did.

She just stood there.

All right, kids, I'm going to level with you. That's not what she did.

Here's what she did.

All right, all right.

I'm going to go have a cigarette. What?

I promised her I'd never tell you this, but once upon a time, your Aunt Robin

did enjoy the occasional cigarette.

And occasionally, that occasional cigarette was more than just occasional.

I just left something like this in my apartment.

Robin, come on. Take it to the roof. We said no smoking in the apartment after

you torched the throw rug doing push-ups.

All right, all right, all right. Yeah,

Robin. I mean, God, not only is that a filthy habit, but also, can I bum one?

Sure. What?

Kids, your uncle Marshall definitely doesn't want you to know this, but he

also smoked off and on.

It all started when he was 13 on a camping trip in Minnesota.

Come on, Marshall, let's celebrate.

It's summer vacation.

But just one.

This is my first and last cigarette ever.

And that was the first of many, many last cigarettes ever.

That's it.

I am done. I am out.

Last cigarette ever.

So by that point, I'd heard it all before.

Last cigarette ever. What are you doing? You haven't smoked in six months.

Is this about the McRib? It's gone, dude. Let it go.

I'm worried about work, okay? They just hired a new head of the legal

department, and he's going to be letting people go.

So that's why you're worried?

The new head of the legal department is Arthur Hobbs. As in Artillery Arthur?

As in your former boss?

Arthur Hobbs was the meanest boss Marshall or anyone else had ever had.

The last time Marshall worked for him, it ended like this.

I quit!

Yikes. So does he hold it against you?

Worse. Sorry, who are you?

I'm Marshall Erickson.

We had a fairly intense screaming match.

Wherein I suggested that you take your head and store it within yourself.

in a fashion that, while space-saving, might limit its exposure to sunshine?

Well, it describes 95% of my employees and everyone in my family, except for my

dog.

He's such a good boy.

Well, I'll see you later, uh, Randall Wilkerson.

Marshall Erickson. Gary Dinkersfield, right.

He doesn't remember you. Not great. Arthur Hobbs hating Marshall, that's no

big deal. He hates everyone. It's the people he doesn't know that he cuts

loose. He just fired What's-His-Face. He fired What's-His-Face, Ted, and What's

-His-Face was invaluable.

Look, I can understand you getting upset, but it's not worth killing

yourself over. Yeah, wait till you get laid off, then kill yourself.

Like What's-His-Face.

Although, I guess now it's more like Where's-His-Face.

Look, it was just two cigarettes.

Okay, I can handle two.

As long as I don't have three within 24 hours, then I'm not gonna get hooked

again. What's Lily gonna say when she finds out you smoked?

Lily's not gonna find out.

I have a system.

Ah, yes.

Marshall's system.

You smoke. Damn it!

The next morning, your Aunt Robin was thrilled to be finally going on the air

with a real pro.

In three, two, one.

Hi, I'm Robin Schabatsky. And I am Don Frank.

Two teens were arrested late last night for stealing a police cart.

No, I'm sorry, not a police cart. A police car.

Screw it.

Brain fart.

Don't you hate those?

Oh, look at that. The teleprompter's still running.

Something about a woman giving birth on an uptown bus.

Well, no point in jumping in halfway.

I'll just wait till it's done.

And she cut the cord with a metro pass.

We'll be right back. And we're clear.

What the hell was that?

Don, you said brain fart.

Look, Robin, you seem like a nice kid, but this is my 39th local news show,

okay? And in that time, I've learned three things.

Avoid the all-you-can-eat sushi buffet in Bismarck.

Do not go to the bathroom with your lapel mic still on. And three, at this

hour, your entire viewing audience is one half-drunk slob sitting in his

underwear. Back in five, four.

Well, let's do a great show for that half-drunk slob. Well, that half-drunk

slob appreciates it.

The next day, Marshall found himself craving a cigarette. It was driving him

crazy, so he decided to get some fresh air.

Oh, no. You're not up here to jump, are you?

Nothing good. I fired a lot of people today. I don't need another jumper in my

file.

Oh, a cigarette?

No, no, thank you.

It's too bad.

You know what I miss, Jeffrey?

Getting to know somebody over a smoke. People are so interchangeable now, but

you share a butt with somebody, you got a real bond.

I will take one. Okay.

I'm Marshall. By the way, it's Marshall. Marshall Erickson. Tell me something,

Marshall Erickson. How would you like to see a picture of the cutest dog in the

world? Hey!

You smoked?

Yes, I smoked.

And it was my third of the day. You know what that means? I'm a smoker now. It's

all over. I even bought a pack on the way home and a lighter and a Vikings

lamp, which has nothing to do with anything, but I saw it in the window and

I liked it.

Damn it, Marshall.

We already have four Viking lamps and smoking kills.

It was a way to bond with my boss, okay? You should have seen me up there.

It is a cute dog.

Yeah. Are those your kids? Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Hey, oh, look what I got at the mall.

There he is.

There he is. Go ahead, you can pet him now.

Yeah, yeah, come on.

He likes it.

Scratch him under the chin.

I don't care what your reasons are. You know how I feel about smoking.

Now give me the cigarettes.

And the lighter.

That's the stuff.

What? Oh, yeah. Add your Aunt Lily to the list.

Whenever Uncle Marshall fell off the wagon, your Aunt Lily got dragged right

down with him.

What you doing?

If you must know, I'm reaching out to City Hall to try to get the mayor on our

show. Oh, my goodness. You are adorable.

The mayor's not coming on a show nobody watches.

My colonoscopy had more viewers in this show.

At least that had some twists and turns. You know, I don't know why you're acting

like this.

I mean, maybe you're just bitter because you never had a shot at a network job,

but I think I still do, so I really need to focus. I've been on a network.

You were on a network?

It was the best Labor Day weekend of my life.

When you do the news, you're in these ergonomic chairs. It feels like you're

sitting on a cloud, which was nice because it was right after my

colonoscopy.

And the dressing rooms?

Oh. His dressing rooms? Oh, you bet your sweet headset those dressing rooms,

Mike. No changing in the KFC bathroom across the street.

No, sir.

It was heaven.

But the second you get used to it, they go find someone who isn't going through

a bitter divorce and doesn't reek of gin.

And before you know it, they're stuck in a dead-end gig, surrounded by people

going nowhere, doing the news in your tighty-whities.

Okay. The underwear thing was your choice.

And I don't like those catching on.

Ah, looking good, fellas.

Feels good, right? God, I want to kill him. Of course people watch the show.

You guys watch a show that's like two right there.

Oh, my God. You guys still haven't seen my show.

But we never miss it.

Really? What colors is that?

It's black. Right.

With like silver around the edges. Not your TV set, my show set.

And if I can't even get my best friends to watch, who's going to watch?

Lots of people.

You got bedridden insomniacs.

Bums camping outside a department store.

People waiting in the ER where the TV is in a cage so you can't change the

channel.

Do you have any stalkers?

Yeah, but even Leonard won't watch my show.

I can't believe those guys are smoking out there. It's freezing out. Remember

when you used to be able to smoke in bars?

Oh, hey, dude, I think that hot girl over there is smiling at me.

Uh, that's a chair, but yeah, dude, hit that.

Guys?

Marco?

Polo?

Well, it's dividing our group into smokers and non-smokers, and that's not

healthy. You're right.

Let's go have a smoke.

What? Yeah, I'm not proud of it.

Look at you two.

Smokers. Just like the rest of us.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I am not a smoker.

I only smoke in certain situations.

Post-coital.

Went in with Germans.

Sometimes those two overlap.

Coital.

Birthdays. To annoy my mom.

Pre-coital.

On a sailboat.

the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course,

wait for it, because Lord knows I have, pregnancy scares.

Why are you smoking right now?

I'm always pre-coital, Ted.

You know, maybe smoking's not so bad. I mean, at least it gets us out in the

fresh air.

Yeah, and all the coughing really works in my abs.

I am ripped!

But as glamorous as it was, within a week we all hit our breaking point.

You okay, sweetie?

Actually, baby, my throat's a bit sore.

So,

I'm whapping him across the nose with the newspaper, right? My wife says, Come

on, you can't treat your son like that.

I don't know.

Ah!

Whoa.

Michael, call 911.

Oh, my God. Okay, yes, yeah, right away.

It's Marshall, by the way. Ah!

Oh, my God.

I hope Arthur's okay.

Dibs on his office if he's not.

We have to quit smoking.

Honey, you said a mouthful.

I wish I'd never started.

I mean, I think back to myself at 13 years old.

I can only go back to that moment.

I hate that little bastard.

Me too.

Okay, that's it.

Let's quit.

Let's do it. Well, I am proud of you guys. I have heard how difficult it is

for smokers like yourself to quit.

So on behalf of non-smokers, I salute you, and I am here to help. So hand in

your cigarettes, and I will get rid of them one at a time.

You're quitting, doll face.

I know I don't normally call you doll face, but it kind of works in this

voice. Doll face.

Hey, guys.

I'm just wondering, is anyone else interviewing the mayor tomorrow on TV,

or is it just me?

Yeah, Don can suck it while I suck this. Light be, Marshall.

Actually, um, we've decided that we're all quitting smoking.

That's fantastic.

I'm sick of you guys bumming my cigarettes.

No, come on, Robin. We can't do it unless we all do it together.

No.

You can sleep with Marshall. Oh, godly no.

Sorry, baby. You ought to take one for the team.

I don't want to sleep with Marshall.

I've seen... Nice.

I can't quit right now. Not before the biggest interview of my life. It's too

stressful. It's too stressful! Just tell me what you want. Give me a second!

Think about this for a second.

Bloomberg is the anti-smoking mayor. Do you really want to show up to that

interview smelling like smoke?

It'd be like interviewing a vegetarian smelling like a McRib.

Really? Wait, I'm not going through enough right now?

Look, you're quitting.

We're all quitting.

Fine, I'll quit.

Great, great. We just have to get through the first 24 hours. After that,

it's a cakewalk.

Barney, do you have to bite your nails so loud?

I'm not biting my nails. I'm trying to suck the leftover nicotine out of my

fingertips.

Marcia, can you pass the onion rings?

What do you got, dinosaur arms? They're right here.

What do you think cigarettes are doing right now?

Do you think they're thinking about us?

Dude. If you don't stop tapping your foot, it's coming off.

Oh, my God, Ted.

I'm so sorry.

Maybe I should move it a little bit closer to your ass.

I'm ready to do this right now, Ted. None of us knew what we were fighting

about. We just knew we wanted to smoke more than anything in the world.

It wasn't going very well for Robin, either. Sorry I'm late.

Someone used the microwave and the elevator stopped.

What are you doing? Okay, Don.

Don, seriously?

Not tonight, okay? I'm a little bit on edge because I quit smoking for my

interview with the mayor, so just... Oh, you precious little porcelain unicorn,

you.

Why would you do that?

Why?

Because I care, Don.

I care about this show. I care about my career.

Unlike you, you unprofessional jerk.

You're sloppy, you're rude, and I wish you worked half... as hard as the

elastic on those stretched out underpants.

I'm starting to feel like this is getting a little personal. No, Don, it

would be getting personal if I would say that the reason you bounce from market

to market is because you're a loser. A lazy, obnoxious loser.

The mayor canceled.

In five, four, three, two...

I'm Robin Chbotsky. You think I'm a loser?

You're right.

I'm a loser. But at least I've accepted it. A plucky raccoon has been cheering

up patients at a local senior center.

I used to be just like that.

Always wanting more and never getting it.

It's a dead end, Robin.

You're never going to be a network anchor.

Just like you're never going to quit smoking.

What are you doing?

I'm enjoying a cigarette.

Oh, that'll get you there.

Oh, that's good.

Want to drag?

Can we be professionals?

Yeah, yeah, professionals. You know who's working on the camera right now?

A chair.

We're on a show where we can't even get the cameraman to watch.

That's why the mayor canceled, Robin, and that's why Mike is on a fried

chicken run, and that's why you and I can enjoy a cigarette right here on the

air.

No, thank you.

Why?

Because of our millions and millions of impressionable viewers?

Okay.

If any impressionable viewers have a problem with this, please give us a

call. The number's on the screen.

Chirp, chirp.

Chirp, chirp.

Come on, Robin.

Live a little.

No, that must be Mike. He always forgets. Extra crispy.

Hello. Robin, don't smoke that cigarette.

Marshall? We're all watching, and we're all very impressionable, and I swear to

God, if you smoke that cigarette, we're all gonna smoke.

You guys are watching?

We sure are, sweetheart, and you look fabulous.

Oh, you guys.

You don't have to do this, Robin. You don't have to smoke.

Resist it, honey.

Thanks for the call, guys.

We're not gonna smoke.

I have a pack stashed up on the roof.

Uh-oh.

I'm awake, and I'm smoking.

Robin, you know how dangerous it is to wake a sleep smoker? It's fine.

I bought a pack on my way home.

Hey, great show, Robin. Yeah.

Yeah, but that Don guy, what a tool.

Well, no, he actually apologized to me.

No, I mean when he stood up, those briefs were pretty revealing.

You should date that guy.

Yeah, not in his lifetime.

They were dating within three months, but more on that later.

Hey guys, look, sun's coming up.

You know what right now is a perfect time for?

A last cigarette ever.

No, I mean a real last cigarette ever.

Damn it, let's do it.

Okay.

All right.

Last cigarette ever on the count of three.

One, two, three.

We all quit for a while after that, but it wasn't anyone's last cigarette.

We did eventually all quit smoking for real.

Robin's last cigarette was in June 2013.

Barney's last cigarette was in March 2017.

Lily's last cigarette was the day she started trying to get pregnant.

And Marshall's last cigarette was the day his son was born.

And my last cigarette?

Two weeks into dating your mother.

And I never looked back.

I'm sorry I hit you, buddy.

I wanted to make it up to you.

I'm giving you this.

Wow, she's hot.

Yeah. Well, someday you're going to marry her.

No way.

You're pretty lucky.

Totally.

I'll be my tenth.

Oh, no. Wait, no, don't do that.

Wow.

Have fun for me.