Original subtitles

Kids, the secret to dating is very simple.

Be confident, be comfortable in your skin, be assured of who you are.

Uncle Barney was really good at that last one, even though a lot of the time

who he was was someone else.

Hi. You see that guy over there in the scuba suit?

You thinking of going and talking to him?

No. Good.

He's seriously the biggest jerk on the face of the earth. How do you know him?

Oh, he's one of my best friends.

So, what's with the scuba suit?

Well, it's a long story.

See, he just went through a breakup.

There's two basic philosophies of how to handle yourself after a breakup.

Some people throw themselves into... My career.

That's my number one focus right now. From now on, no more dating.

It's all about work.

While others throw themselves into... Every woman in New York City.

That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market.

Mothers, lock up your daughters. Daughters, lock up your milswankas.

Mil swankers? Wait, I can get this.

Mothers I'd like to sleep with and never call again. Correct!

Circle gets the square.

Don't you think you're kind of rushing back into this?

Lily, since I started dating Robin, there's a certain thing I haven't used

as much as I would like to.

It's kind of big, surprisingly heavy, kind of leathery, and it's black.

Huh?

This, my friends, is the playbook.

The playbook contains every scam, con, hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flim-flam,

stratagem, and bamboozle I've ever used or ever hoped to use to pick up chicks

and give them the business.

Wow, you wrote another book.

It's, uh, we had, uh, Stephen King over here.

It's all in here.

Everything from basic moves like the don't drink that...

Whoa, whoa, don't drink that. I saw some guy slip something in there. What?

Who?

Um, that guy.

Thank you.

Some more advanced maneuvers, like the Mrs. Stinsfire.

Now, Kappas, after our disciplinary hearing for lewd behavior last semester,

we have been assigned a new house mom. I'd like you to meet... Mrs.

Stinspire. Hello, girls!

Wow.

I can't picture a way that wouldn't work.

What's the Lorenzo von Matterhorn?

I'm glad you asked. The Lorenzo von Matterhorn will be my grand return to

the stage.

Or, you know, the bed.

Actually, my bed is kind of on a stage.

I put a platform underneath. I got some lights going. It's a real production.

Barney, exits!

So how about you, Robin? You getting back out there? Where's your playbook?

My playbook?

Bro, two-volume set.

Right here.

It's a great read, actually.

Yeah, I'm reading it right now.

Anyway, I told you already, I'm taking a break from all that.

Marshall, it's totally going to happen. So going to happen. What's going to

happen? You're going to fall in love.

So soon.

Not likely. I'm focusing on my career. I'm done with dating.

Oh, okay, we're playing the pyramid, okay.

Things people say right before they meet the love of their life. Boo!

Kelly Harris, girl I went to law school with, said, hey, law school's so hard, I

just want to focus on my studies.

Six months later, married.

Well, that's all well and good for me. Travis Frenchroy, backup bartender,

tells me, oh, I'm so over the whole dating game. I just want to focus on my

Star Trek fan fiction.

Six months later, married.

May I respond? Mm-hmm.

Well, that's all well and good for them. Matthew Blitz.

Accountant at my office says, oh, I'm going to die single and alone. I might

as well just focus on this year's taxes.

Six months later, civil union and planning to get married, pending the

passage of legislation currently on the floor of the New York State Senate.

Protest all you want, but it's going to happen.

It's a law of nature, lawyer of nature.

Believe me, I'd love to have no interest in a relationship. There's no way I'd be

single right now.

If I wanted to be single.

Okay, now you're ready. Ready for what? Three years ago, this girl Shelly

started teaching in my school. The moment I saw her, I was like, this is

the girl for Ted. Why am I just hearing about her now?

You know, I usually hate being set up, but this Ted just sounds so great. Oh,

he is. He's so sweet and thoughtful and intelligent. Come on, buddy! One more

chicken finger and the crown is yours!

I don't see him anywhere. He must be out doing charity work. So, different bar?

Oh, yeah, she was cute.

Yeah, still is.

And now you're ready. Yeah, bro, now you can fit like three times as many chicken

fingers in your mouth. You know it. Okay, I will set it up, but promise me

you won't do anything stupid.

I promise I won't do anything stupid.

And I kept that promise, but only because...

She never showed up.

I know. I'm sorry. I feel terrible. You should feel terrible. I do feel

terrible. You should. I do. You should. I do. You should. I do.

I don't. Look, I was really looking forward to meeting Ted, but I got to the

bar an hour early, and I met this amazing guy. Like, seriously amazing.

And you met him at McLaren's? Yeah, right up there.

What's his name?

I shouldn't say.

Oh, what the heck. It's Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

You son of a bitch.

So he hooked up with Shelly? He must have been pissed. Damn straight.

Barney, I've had Shelly set aside for Ted for three years.

Dude, Ted was not missing out. She's brainy and annoying.

Kind of boring in the sack.

Oh, I guess she would have been perfect for Ted.

Oops. Ow!

Okay. Had I known that she was there to meet Ted, of course I wouldn't have done

it. But, given the circumstances, I think Ted will be proud of me.

I pulled off.

The Lorenzo von Matterhorn.

Okay, what's the Lorenzo von Matterhorn? My question exactly.

Okay, what's the Lorenzo von Matterhorn?

Glad you asked.

To perform the Lorenzo von Matterhorn, here's what you'll need. Basic knowledge

of website design and a very unique fake name.

So, think of your fake name right now.

Have you got it?

Good. Now, select your target.

Preferably a girl with a real nice phone.

Yeah, it's me.

Do I know you?

I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

Are you, like, famous or something?

Yes.

You really don't know who I am, do you?

What a refreshing change of pace.

Nice to meet you. Shelley. Shelley.

Once again, I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

Spelled like it sounds. Two Ts.

Lorenzo. Von Matterhorn.

Ciao.

Then, as soon as you're gone, she gets out her phone and does an internet

search for Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

And that's when she discovers...

A series of fake websites, all devoted to the incredible life of Lorenzo von

Matterhorn. There's the fake business article about Lorenzo, the reclusive

billionaire. The fake Explorers Club newsletter describing his balloon trek

to the North Pole as a feat of pure daring and imagination.

The fake medical journal featuring the heartbreaking story of doctors telling

him penis reduction surgery isn't an option. And by the time you get back...

Hi, Shelly, I hate to be forward, but can I buy you a cup of coffee? Yes,

please.

What does coffee go for these days? $50?

Lorenzo.

And it is on.

That's awful.

You realize you broke her heart, right? She's inconsolable. Why would she be

inconsolable? Lorenzo's balloon won't disappear over the Arctic for another

week. The only way she would be upset is if someone told her it was all a bunch

of lies.

It was all just a bunch of lies.

It was all just a bunch of lies.

The balloon expedition.

Lies! A man-made island shaped like his face off the coast of Dubai.

Lies! Finishing third in the laser tag competition.

Lies! Oh, actually, that one's true. I went to the... You went to the Vatican?

Lies!

Oh. My.

God. Well, I hope you're happy with yourself.

What? You broke that girl's heart.

Me? You.

She'll probably never trust a guy again.

You ruined her for Ted, not to mention Julio von Matterhorn, Lorenzo's twin

brother.

Can you believe that? He blames me.

Oh, and by the way, Ted, I bet she'd still go out with you. Hmm, let me

think. Do I want to go out with the girl Barney hooked up with? You guys help me

out with the harmonies? Sure.

Hell no.

You must be a little bothered by this. Well, it's his life.

Look, if these girls are dumb enough to fall for this crap, they have it coming.

Agreed. Have you seen the one in there labeled, uh, the Snassa?

Wow, you're an astronaut?

Shh.

I'm actually in a top-secret government space program called Secret NASA, or

Snassa.

Wow, Snassa.

Mm-hmm.

Can you go to the moon and stuff?

Well, not the moon you're familiar with, though I have been to the smoon.

Wow.

The smoon.

If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you, but I'm sorry, you're a

smoron.

So what happens next?

Well, come on, Barney.

You just... You just got out of an honest-to-God relationship.

You're a real boy now.

You can't go back to these cheap tricks.

Cheap tricks? Not one of these is a cheap trick.

Except for the cheap trick.

I'm the bass player for cheap trick.

And even that one involves expensive hair extensions.

Now, if you don't mind, I am off to prepare for tonight's main event. I will

be performing the He's Not Coming.

Glad you asked.

To perform the He's Not Coming, here's what you'll need. The observation deck

of the Empire State Building. Are you up there?

Good. For generations, this has been the spot New Yorkers have chosen for their

romantic reunions with long-estranged lovers.

So all you have to do is walk up to every girl you see and say, He's not

coming. What are you talking about? Never mind.

He's not coming.

He's not coming.

She's not coming.

Sorry. Until sooner or later, he's not coming.

He's not?

But we agreed.

We always said we'd meet here on this night.

I'm such a fool.

All right, I'm going to go get the paper.

More like go get a husband. Yeah, totally.

Okay, you guys need to stop that. Seriously. The last thing I am looking

for right now is a relationship.

Uh-huh. When you pick up that newspaper, be sure to check the wedding

announcements.

Foyard. Shh.

Rob, it's like this. Do you have any idea how many times in my life I've gone

to the freezer looking for frozen waffles and not found them?

Thousands? Millions.

But when I go to the freezer looking for a popsicle or the remote control because

Lily and I are having a fight and she's hidden it there, you know what I find?

Frozen waffles.

That's how it works. You go out there looking for a paper, you're coming back

with frozen waffles. And in this case, frozen waffles is a guy.

Also, could you pick up some frozen waffles?

In that case, frozen waffles are frozen waffles.

Guys, code red. Emergency.

Lockdown. Nobody's leaving.

What? What happened?

I tried the he's not coming, and it worked.

Gangbusters. You should have seen this girl.

Bang. Ping. Put out.

Hey, I'm leaving.

So, we get up to my place, and I go into my room to set up the camera to light

the candles.

And when I come out, she's gone.

And so is the playbook.

I think we all know who is responsible for this. Yeah, we do.

Yeah.

Al-Qaeda.

Oh, you idiot.

It was me.

You son of a bitch.

Wow, you stole the playbook?

So, the girl in the Empire State Building?

A friend of mine, an actress.

An actress, of course. That explains her impeccable diction and her sluttiness.

Barney, I've got half a mind to take that playbook and put it up on the

internet for the whole world to see. You wouldn't. I won't, as long as you agree

to no more scams, no more cons, no more hustles, no more hoodwinks, no more

gambits, no more stratagems, and no more bamboozles.

I noticed you left out flim flams. No more flim flams! Damn it.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry to interrupt, but look at this.

No.

i got left at the altar oh my god that's

horrible i wonder if that would work it's not even the worst one in there

have you guys seen the my penis grants wishes really a genie

comes out of it only if you rub it hard enough so then what happened

It says here he breaks into song and then the furniture comes to life and

dances with him.

It's not very well thought out. It's no Mrs. Stensfire.

No, what happened in real life?

Well, a few hours later...

You

know, I heard it was going to rain.

If anyone's interested, I will be at McLaren's pub performing a play out of

the playbook entitled The Scuba Diver.

That is all.

Okay, that's it. I'm putting the playbook up on the Internet.

Baby, can you put the playbook up on the Internet?

Yeah, of course, baby, but here's the weird thing. I've literally been through

this book cover to cover.

There is no play in here called The Scuba Diver.

Oh, so now you guys want to know what The Scuba Diver is.

Well, it was on the last page of the playbook, but I ripped it out just in

case.

Don't worry, though. We are about to see it in action.

See the blonde over there by the bar?

Tisarget acquisired.

Barney, don't do this. Yeah, give it a rest, pest.

If anyone should be mad, it should be Robin.

She loves the playbook. I don't love the playbook.

What are you talking... The playbook. It's cool. You gotta admit, it's pretty

spectacular.

Look, Barney, we just broke up.

I mean, yes, the costumes are cute, but...

We just broke up.

Well, I didn't know you felt that way.

I guess I've been so wrapped up in my own stuff that I... Oh, crap, she's

looking over here. Quick, everyone, scatter!

That's it.

Hi. You see that guy over there in the scuba suit?

And that brings us to right now.

Wow.

But... Wait, so why is he wearing scuba gear? We don't know.

And it's killing us, Claire. It's killing us.

Let's go ask him.

So what's the scuba diver?

And this is Claire, by the way.

Hello, Claire. My name is Lieutenant Frank Lyman. I train bomb-sniffing

dolphins for the... You know what?

I can't. I can't. I can't do this.

Robin, I am so sorry.

I guess this breakup's been tougher on me than I thought.

I think this playbook was just a way to take my mind off of things.

It's okay.

It's been tough on me, too.

I mean, look at me. I've sworn off relationships.

She's so about to get married. I gotta work on my toast. I gotta make sure my

toast fits.

I will bang your heads together like coconuts.

Honey, I'm so glad you're stopping this.

And frankly, the real Barney is way cooler than any of the fake Barneys in

this playbook.

Oh, is that right? Claire, you've probably heard a lot about the real

Barney tonight. Want to grab a cup of coffee? Wait, Claire, before you turn

him down, I think you should know that under this neoprene suit with what

appears to be a tube sock stuffed in the crotch... Can of Pringles, but go on.

...is an amazing guy.

He's fun and one of my best friends.

And he landed this hottie.

He's a good guy.

Come on, Claire, go out with him. It's just a cup of coffee, right? Yeah, it

hurts. All right, all right.

Let's get some coffee.

And by the end of the night... I'm proud of that guy.

To be that vulnerable takes a lot of Pringles.

I got a text from Barney.

Look under the table.

Nope.

It's a page from the playbook.

What's it say?

It's the scuba diver.

Step one.

And it...

is on.

You son of a bitch.

I'll give you a call.

All right. Bye-bye.

For those of you keeping score, the Ted Mosby works.

Robin, here we go.

You say you don't want a relationship.

Well, the love of your life is about to walk through the door, and it's... that

guy.

Yeah, I'm not falling in love with that guy. Right, right, right. Because it's

going to be that guy.

I don't know. The blue blazer is just, like, not doing it for me, so... Yeah,

yeah, you're right, because here he comes. It's that guy.

Oh, Robin.

You should at least give her a chance, you know, make out with her a little,

see if there's something there.

Okay, I'm going to work. Yeah, you are. No, I'm actually going to work. Uh-huh.

Go work. And the ironic part was... Hi.

Are you Robin?

Yeah. I'm Don, your new co-host. That was the day she met Don.

Damn it, Marshall.