Original subtitles

Kids, as long as I'd known your Uncle Barney, he'd always had some pretty

strong opinions on relationships.

Your girlfriend?

She's your girlfriend?

She's a girl and a friend?

Do not humanize the enemy, Ted.

But nice to meet you, Barney Stinson.

And yet, in the fall of 2009, he was the one with the girlfriend.

Go ahead, open it.

Open it, open it, open it, open it!

It's my porn collection!

Just kidding, that would be weird.

It's your porn collection. It's my porn collection.

I'm giving you my porn.

Now that things are so great with Robin, I don't need it anymore.

Wow, you are voluntarily giving up your porn.

You really are serious.

Well, that's obvious.

What does that mean?

Oh, nothing. It's just, you know, you got relationship gut.

What? No, I do not got relationship gut. That is ridiculous.

It's no big deal. I mean, once you're dating someone, it's natural to let

things go a little bit. Trust me.

We've been there. Yeah. Boy, did I pudge out for a while.

Well, we should get going.

Goodbye, my sweet, beloved friends who have always been there for me.

You'll be missed.

He's talking to the porn.

Bye,

Robin. See you, Rob.

Look at these videos.

Space orgy, horny co-ed surprise party 23.

You'd think after the first 22 parties the co-eds wouldn't be surprised

anymore.

So? So, uh, we can get rid of these for you.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, it's not a problem. I'll take care of them. Are you

sure? I mean, no biggie. We can just swing by the back alley and drop the box

in the dumpster. I see six of the words you just said on this video label.

Seriously, it's not a big deal. I will take care of it. Leave them!

You know, in a way, it's sad, right? I mean, Barney's giving up his porn. He's

got relationship gut. They eat at the same diner every night.

It's like the end of Barney Stinson as we know him. Yeah, well, so what?

They're happy. So what'd you get? I got squat.

I thought I saw you take one.

Yeah, I did. It's called squat.

Arcisexture.

That is not how you spell Buckminster Fuller. Kids, pornography is bad. And so

I was getting rid of that vile pornography right away. I am getting rid

of this vile pornography right away.

When something terrible happened.

Oh, no.

Hello, Ted.

If you were watching this tape and I knew you'd pick this one, then you are

now in possession of my porn.

This can only mean one of two things. Either I'm dead or I'm in a committed

relationship.

If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons

and recreating Weekend at Bernie's.

I want to dance.

I want to have sex with a girl.

And I want to go fishing.

If... On the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship.

Then, as your best friend, I have only one request.

Please, for the love of God, get me out of it!

I

might

look happy.

But don't believe it. Barney Stinson is meant to be single. So please, if you

value my best friendship, that's right, Marshall, I'm his best friend. How does

that feel?

Then get me out of this.

And finally, since you were expecting some porn...

No, no, no, baby, don't worry. The flashing

green light means it's off.

Are we sure he was finished talking?

Look, there's no reason we should take this seriously, right? Of course not.

This is an old tape. Barney is happy with Robin.

But over the next couple weeks, I started to notice things.

Barney and Robin stopped having crazy adventures.

So what'd you guys do last night? I wanted to go to a concert. He wanted to

go to a party.

Obviously, we couldn't do what just one of us wanted, so we just stayed in,

watched a movie on cable.

It was legend. Wait for it.

It's of the fall.

Legends of the fall.

It was okay.

Barney stopped being himself.

Hey, Barney, I'm chatting up this girl over there. I could use a little help

landing a plane.

Sorry, Ted. I'm my own wingman tonight.

And Robin got annoyed at everything he said.

So, how are you two?

So great.

relationships are the best the sharing the compromise the monogamy

can't beat it catchphrase yes but the worst they got

i'm full sweetie the more they kept saying things were great now the truth

is barney and robin only let themselves go a little bit but i swear after a few

more weeks to us they seemed like this i'll be there

In a minute.

They're killing each other. They love each other.

Barney and Robin love each other, but they're not Barney and Robin anymore.

They're the fat guy and the old lady. My favorite 70s detective show.

Look, it's so clear.

Barney's been overeating because he hates being tied down like this, and

Robin's stressing out because she hates what Barney's turned into.

No, they're a perfect match.

Well, maybe that's the problem.

Maybe they're too similar. It must be tough having two alpha dogs in one

relationship. We have two alpha dogs in our relationship.

Sure we do, sweetie.

If they're not happy, why don't they just break up? Because they're too

stubborn. Neither one of them wants to be the first to admit that they want

out. They're playing relationship chicken. I think Barney ate the

relationship chicken.

Ted, it's just a rough patch.

It takes time getting used to being with someone else. And they're both... What's

the nice word for selfish?

Independent. Independent. Every relationship goes through this.

It's true. I had this astronaut friend.

Totally loved his fiance.

And then the day before his mission, she caught him. With like four other chicks,

a couple of dudes.

Things got really tense.

Finally, she ended up sneaking onto the space shuttle. Are you talking about

space orgies? Yes, I am.

Ted, it's just a rough patch. Just let things run their course.

She's right, but... Two to one, Ted.

Leave them alone.

So I did leave them alone.

But that weekend...

Have you noticed how beef ribs used to always be disgusting, and then recently

they found a way to make them really delicious instead?

Okay, Barney, I'm gonna go ahead and ask you this head-on.

Are you happy with Robin?

Are you kidding?

How could I not be happy with Robin? It's Robin.

So are you happy?

I can't believe you'd even ask me that.

I mean, yes, we fight all the time, but you know what they say about

relationships.

Every moment's a battle.

So are you happy?

And you know what goes hand in hand with fighting?

The makeup sex.

Which is different when you're in a loving long-term relationship.

Heads, we have sex.

Tails, we order a whole pizza and just lay here moaning. Oh, great. Let the

coin decide.

Which was pizza again?

Tails. It was tails.

Sex.

Am I right?

Thank God that's mostly over.

I'm still hungry.

You hungry?

We have to break them up.

You're right.

Barney and Robin are miserable together, but they're too stubborn to admit it, so

we have to get them to break up.

How do we do that?

We unleash the Kraken.

Kids, as you know, earlier that year, I learned that Lily had broken up not one,

not two, but seven of my past relationships.

Forget it. I'm retired.

I'm out of the game.

But nobody's better than you.

I'm telling you, I swore off that racket.

I've gone legit.

I'm a matchmaker now.

Set me up with someone.

Whoa, I'm just starting out.

You've got to break them up. This relationship is killing me. I know. No,

it is, but I've learned my lesson.

No more interfering.

Let things run their course.

It's two to one. Yes, but the one is me.

We don't need her. We can break them up on our own. How?

Okay, remember when Robin and I were dating? What was the one big thing that

really freaked her out?

No, no, no, no, no. Ted, you cannot do this to me. No.

No, no, no.

What are you talking about?

This. This is what I'm talking about. What is this doing in my champagne?

If we make Robin think for even a second that Barney is proposing, she'll lose it

and they'll break up. That's crazy. Why don't we just, uh, like, lead Barney

into temptation?

We'll find some hot woman to hit on him.

Okay, the ring thing.

Stakeout, man.

We should have gotten a stakeout van. We could have ordered pizza and looked

through big binoculars and said, this ain't what I signed up for. Stuff like

that. Here comes the waiter.

Please shut up.

What?

Oh, I thought you said something. Sorry.

Is that an engagement ring?

Are you... Oh, no, no.

That is not me. They must have delivered it to the wrong table.

Could you imagine us getting married?

Wow.

We are committed to each other.

Most of your stuff is already in my apartment.

Might make taxes easier.

Speed up your citizenship.

Shabatsky's so hard to spell.

My mom would be so happy.

I think so. There's no reason not to.

We're getting married! Not so loud. Jeez.

What did you do? I am furious right now. This is so wrong.

Lily, will you be my maid of honor? Oh my god, I would love to.

Are you out of your mind?

You knew they were playing relationship chicken, and what did you do? You put an

engagement ring in front of them.

OK, that's it. I'm taking over.

Coming out of retirement.

For one last breakup.

Whoa! Yes! All right, how are we going to do it? These guys are in so deep,

just one fight ain't going to do it. We need to reignite the four biggest fights

they've ever been in all at once.

Number one, the battle of the dirty dishes.

Number two, the ex-girlfriend conflict.

Hey,

don't you know that girl over there?

No, I don't think so.

No, in fact, I have definitely... Oh, hey, it's Meg.

Well, I am certainly not comparing you two in my mind right now.

Whoops. Hey, will you get that for me? Really? Please? Why do you keep doing

your embarrassing me? Oh, my God. Number three, the Star Wars altercation.

Isn't time you got rid of your stupid doll?

It's not a doll. It's a stormtrooper. Uh, he's wearing a diaper.

It's not a diaper, Robin. It's protective armor.

stormtrooper more like storm pooper stop it whoa oh it sounds like your storm

pooper here needs a changing okay you know what i'm sick of it i'm sick of the

jokes joke about the magic i can't i can't joke and of course the biggie the

canadian american moon thank god that song's over who the hell was that old

lady singing okay you know that neil young is my favorite musician right

Now, is that the same old lady who played Archie Bunker's wife and all in

the family, or just a sound alike?

Neil Young is a Canadian treasure.

Do not make fun of Neil Young. Robin, I would never make fun of a defenseless

old lady with local court paralysis.

Oh, here we go. In public. Really? In public?

I got it.

I got it. We email them pictures reminding them of each of these fights.

You child.

Here's how it goes down.

They're at the diner.

First, rekindling the Canadian-American debate, Ontario native Alan Thicke stops

by the table. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Alan Thicke? Oh, right.

Robin knew him back when she was a singer. Yeah, and they still keep in

touch. I already got his number off her phone.

Seriously, amateurs.

So Alan Thicke restarts the Canada-U.S. fight.

Right at that moment, Crazy Meg shows up.

Then a stormtrooper happens to walk by the window.

And just when they can't take anything more, a busboy walks by with a tray full

of what?

Dirty dishes.

Lily, this

is your masterpiece.

We're getting a stakeout van.

A station wagon?

Really? You rented a station wagon?

Yeah, a van costs like 25 bucks more. A station wagon.

Greetings, Will Robinson.

Where's the birthday boy or girl? Hey, climb on in.

What the hell is this?

Oh, they didn't have any stormtroopers, so I had to get a different robot. This

will still work.

different robot stormtroopers aren't robots of course they're robots must

kill luke skywalker um nobody says that in star wars someone order an extra

large sausage hey one of barney's videos starts off just like that hey guys

barney's ordering five of something i don't know if it's gonna fit in here

okay now you're just quoting the video still ordering waiter's taking out a

second pad yeah okay well we need it in here we're on a stakeout Shouldn't you

be in a van? A van cost more.

Score me a slice, Will Robinson.

No, no, no. You get a stain on that costume, they're going to charge us.

Dude, will you just chill about money? Yeah, let the stormtrooper have a slice.

It's not a stormtrooper.

Hi, Lily.

Sorry I'm late. I was looking for a van. Thank you.

$25. Should I go say hi to Robin? Oh, not yet. Get in the car.

Okay, so wait, wait, wait.

When they blew up the Death Star, knowing full well there were thousands

of stormtroopers on it?

Those were people?

Well, it was called the Death Star, baby. They knew what they were getting

into. Like, I don't want to play the I'm Alan Thicke card, but I really do have a

dinner to get to, so... Someone has got to take this sausage.

Okay, were you in that video?

Were you the guy with the farmer tan?

Jones and Forsen, Zob, Will, Robin, Fern. Come on, I'm Alan Thicke.

This ain't what I signed up for. Hey!

Okay, you know what? Everyone stop.

Alan Thicke, shut up. Marshall, it's a station wagon. Get over it. Ted, stop

talking about porn. And for the love of God, stop... Somebody get the

stormtrooper some pizza! It's not a stormtrooper!

Come up!

They see us!

Danger! Danger!

Are you sure they saw us?

Can I go talk to Barney now? I'm so excited. Do you really think he's gonna

propose to me?

Oh, honey.

Forget it, Crazy Meg. We've been made. If we try anything now, they're going to

know it's us. I think we should all just go home. No, this isn't my masterpiece.

So what if they saw us? It'll still work. Stop it. We'll think of something

else. Let me repeat.

I am Alan Thicke.

You're Alan Thicke?

No.

Alan Thicke, you're up. Get on out there.

And so Lily followed through with her plan.

First, Alan Thicke.

Followed by Crazy Meg.

Then the robot.

And finally, the dirty dishes.

But by the end of it... They're kissing!

They shouldn't be kissing! Why isn't this working?

Because they're in love.

It really was just a rough patch.

The hell am I doing?

This whole thing was a mistake.

So, uh, any of you dudes want to get high?

I never thought I'd be saying this tonight, but to Barney and Robin, a

happy couple.

That was the moment we learned that relationships take hard work, but

eventually everything will work out.

Oh, hey.

Where's Barney? Uh, we broke up.

And that was the moment we unlearned that other lesson we had just learned a

few seconds earlier.

You see, earlier that night when Lily thought Barney and Robin had spotted

her, This is what they really saw.

Why do that fat guy and old lady keep sta- Oh my god,

that's us.

Look at us.

Did we always look this awful?

Robin, I'm not happy.

I mean, I wish I was. Nothing would make me happier than being happy, but I'm

not.

What are we doing wrong? We love each other?

I mean, if this doesn't work, what will?

We're so similar.

We're both like scotch. We're both awesome.

Well, maybe that's it. Maybe there's just too much awesome here.

Exactly.

Two awesomes cancel each other out.

I'm tired of being canceled out.

Me too.

Are you breaking up?

I think so.

Now comes the next part.

The part where you and I can't go back to being friends.

Well, maybe this isn't a breakup.

Maybe this is two friends getting back together.

Robin!

Oh, it's always so great to see a fellow hoser. Yes!

Heidi!

Good news. I forgive you for the whole restraining order thing.

Uh, hi.

Whoa, is that a stormtrooper?

That's not a stormtrooper.

Can I get out of here?

Yeah.

Excuse me. See you guys.

Excuse me. Okay. See you, Alan.

Okay. Sir, are you still on 73rd Street?

How do you know that?

Getting back together as friends.

I like that.

One more for the road?

And I mean, who knows? Maybe when, like, you turn 40, if you haven't found

anyone. Well, I don't have that deal with Ted.

Oh, right. Stupid.

Well, maybe when you turn 39, if you haven't found anyone.

It turns out that they really did just need to let things run their course.

So, uh, how's Barney doing?

He's okay, I think. It might be a while before he fully recovers, but... Did you

guys just feel a chill?

Yeah.

Daddy's home.

Eww.