Original subtitles

It was the fall of 2009, and I was a professor now.

So I decided to change my look a little bit, and people were noticing.

Ah, tweed.

Textile of the eunuch.

You know, I've always wondered why those tweed jackets have elbow patches.

Because the people who wear them are constantly going, ah, jeez, why can't I

get laid?

You are wrong. The ladies dig the professor look.

There's something to that. I remember thinking my 10th grade math teacher was

very sexy.

I wonder if Harold's still in jail.

What? Tax evasion.

Among other things.

So guys, Marshall and I wanted to invite you to our place for a little couples

night. Uh, sure. Why not?

For years, Marshall and Lily had been the only married couple in a group full

of single people.

It got lonely.

So they were always searching for another couple to double date.

There was only one problem.

Welcome. Gouda?

They sucked at it.

Oh, this is great. We're having fun. You're having fun, right?

So, should we just go ahead and lock the four of us in for New Year's?

Um, it's April.

Sorry. We're getting ahead of ourselves.

Let's talk Thanksgiving.

Our parents really want to meet you.

Well, we should probably be going. Wait. Oh, wait. If you leave now, Colonel

Mustard just gets away with it. It's getting pretty late. I'm gonna go.

There's still pie.

Tonight was fantastic. We should do it again.

I'm sorry, Marshal, but Falgunia and I are just not that into you.

And you.

But just when Millie and Marshal were about to give up, two of their best

friends in the world got together and hope returned to their hearts.

So when Lily said... Marshall and I wanted to invite you to our place for a

little couple's night.

Uh, sure.

Why not?

Barney and Robin had no idea what they were about to walk into. Okay, game

time. Let's review the flow of the room.

Barney and Robin enter here. Stop here for margaritas. That's a great

conversation starter. We can tell them about our trip to Cabo. Great, because I

got that story about Sammy Hagar and the Belgian waffle locked and loaded.

Then we'll move on to the hot app station.

And, depending on how things are going, some lively pre-dinner charades. Right,

but we'll play that one by...

Sounds like... Okay, you can be Robin's partner.

Maybe we can do this.

Welcome. Kuda?

Meanwhile, my half-baked theory that ladies dig the professor look was

actually proving to be true. So is it hard to grade papers?

No, you just gotta make it fun. For example, every time I spot a grammatical

error, I do a shot.

I'm trashed right now, and I blame our public school system.

Sometimes things just seem to magically fall into place.

So, you said you live right upstairs?

Whether it's in the dating world... Take care.

Bye. ...or the double dating world.

Nailed it.

Best night ever.

Worst night ever.

How was the big couples night with Marshall and Lily?

Brutal. Really?

How? It was like we were on a date with a sad, chubby girl our mom made us call.

And they were so nervous that they weren't even making sense half the time.

Hey, what is it?

Would you like a margarita? In Cabo, I saw Sammy Hagar eating a Belgian waffle.

And they kept shoving platters of food in our faces.

Let me guess. Did Marshall get, like, super intense about the cheese?

Yeah, how'd you know?

Poor Marshall.

Lily's this gourmet cook, and all she lets Marshall do is pick out one sad

block of cheese.

That's prosciutto-wrapped melon.

You guys are going to want to get in on this gouda.

That's seared scallops with a mango chutney. Seriously, don't sleep on the

gouda. And that's lobster ravioli in a black truffle oil.

Tick-tock goes the gouda clock.

Um, we didn't realize there was going to be dinner. We sucked down a couple tacos

outside the subway.

P.S. Not sitting great.

And if anything didn't go according to plan, they would freak out.

What do you mean the egg timer is broken? What are we going to use for

charades, sweetie? I'm working on it, darling. We just stole them.

Now, Robin, you work in television.

We're experiencing some technical difficulties. You get that?

So we're still laughing.

Oh, right.

Laugh, Marshall.

Come on, they just got excited. They've been looking for couple best friends

forever. Plus, I'm sure they weren't that bad.

Sean, this is a website Marshall already made about last night.

It's called ItWasTheBestNightEver.com.

It was the best night ever.

Laughter raining down like April shower.

Oh, we talk for hours.

Oh, that's no good.

Then we played charades.

Lily made some creme brulee.

And now that we're best couple friends, there's only one thing

left to say.

Are you free? Are you free? Are you free? Are you free? Are you free next

Saturday? That's the 17th. Are you free?

Friday or Sunday would also work.

Or basically any other day.

Needless to say, we've both changed our email addresses.

I don't understand.

If last night went so horribly, why do Lily and Marshall think it was such a

hit? I mean, we knew we were gonna have fun tonight, but we had no idea how

much. Yeah, tough luck every Saturday night I've ever had, because this one

just blew you out of the water.

Let's do it again, soon.

Yeah, we'll call you.

They're your friends. Why would you just blatantly lie to them like that?

Well, that's what you say at the end of a crappy date.

Hey, Ted, great time last night. Let's do it again, soon.

I'll, uh, call you.

Right?

Who's that?

Oh, I don't want to brag, but it seems chicks are really digging the whole

professor thing.

Last night, she picked me up at the bar, and then... Well, she actually wound up

falling asleep on the couch. But, hey, that happens.

Uh, no, it doesn't. Sure it does.

You know, she was... She was just exhausted from being turned on.

But you heard her. She wants to do it again.

Soon.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

Where does this girl live exactly?

Westchester. Why?

You're the sexless innkeeper. Oh, my God. You're right. He's totally the

sexless innkeeper.

What the hell is the sexless innkeeper? Ted, many a man, nay, many a soul, has

their own tale of the sexless innkeeper. Why, I had a run-in with one just last

year. I even composed a poem about it. Would you care to hear it? Not really.

It was the night before New Year's, and the weather grew mean.

It was three in the morning, and I was stranded in Queens.

The tavern grew empty.

The gas lights grew dim.

The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in. Wait, if this was last year,

why are you acting like it was Oliver Twist?

Ted, it's a poem.

Last call was approaching.

and my fortunes looked bleak.

Then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek.

She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone.

She gobbled up hot wings and swallowed the bones.

I muffled a scream and threw up in my mouth.

I asked, where do you live?

And she said, one block south.

I swallowed my pride.

And six shots of whiskey.

And prayed to the gods that she wasn't too frisky.

Back in her cave, she prepared us a snack.

Neath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack.

But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper.

And thus she became the sexless innkeeper.

And so are you.

Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?

Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs.

She saw the tweed jacket, which basically says you're not interested in

nor probably even capable of having sex, and she thought, hey, free lodging.

No way.

I'm not the sexless innkeeper. Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up

with you.

Which is funny, because usually it's the innkeeper who offers turndown service.

Oh!

Hey,

guys. Good news. First of all, you can ignore all the emails and texts we've

sent you. We have.

Go on.

Because we went ahead and booked that couple's weekend for all of us in

Vermont. Wait, you guys were serious about that?

Oh, we never joke about B&Bs, especially at the height of syrup season.

Saturday, we've got apple picking, antiquing, then a haunted Heron.

And then on Sunday, we're up at 6 a.m. for the fall foliage hike. Now, you

better pack your long johns, because it is cold up there. Look, look, look.

I'm sorry that we have been dodging your calls, but we respect you guys too much

as friends to give you some song and dance. You deserve the truth.

The U.S. Navy.

has found intelligent alien life at the bottom of the ocean the reasons i can't

explain robin and i have been tapped to lead the expedition wow barney that kind

of sounds like the stuff you say to girls when you're too much of a coward

to dump them yeah you know that's exactly what it sounds like but if

that's true that's awesome what's going on look all this couple-y stuff it's

just not Us? Barney and I are barely equipped to date each other, let alone

you guys.

Plus, the alien thing.

Come on now, Sean. Let's go.

Let's go.

No, you know what? No, you know what?

I hope those underwater aliens are cold-blooded.

Because then you guys would get along just fine.

I think they bought it.

I can't believe they broke up with us.

We're so lovable.

No, we're not. We're ugly and gross.

I thought we did everything right. I know.

I know. We had the Gouda. We had my waffle story. I even sent them an

awesome photo montage.

Nothing.

Oh, dear God.

Marshall, we have been over and over this. You have to stop sending those to

people. It was true.

Marshall had become addicted to creating songs and photo montages documenting

various mundane events.

So for months, all of Marshall's friends and professional colleagues were getting

emails like this.

Ordered Chinese food today.

Some mushy pork sauce got away.

Flip the cushion now, everything's okay.

Cat sitting for Lily's mom.

Cat sitting for Lily's mom.

It's gonna be fun. It's gonna bring us all closer together.

Cat funeral.

Cat funeral.

It was an accident.

And not entirely my fault. Cat funeral.

I can't believe you sent them one of those!

They think we're insane now. If I recall, they didn't dump us until you

brought up that Vermont trip. It was way too early. First, a boat ride around the

city, then a trip to Vermont. It's a rookie mistake, and you're better than

that. Oh, what about you forgetting to check the egg timer for charades?

I gave you one thing to do, Marshall.

One thing.

One thing.

One thing?

Wow.

Really? So, I guess that Gouda...

Just walked itself right through the door, sliced itself up, and arranged

itself in a perfect semicircle around not three, not four,

but five different kinds of sturdy cheese-bearing crackers.

You're a sturdy cheese-bearing cracker.

Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. They're taking this

really hard.

Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, but don't you have to get back

up to the inn?

I mean, who's working the front desk?

Seriously, they're your friends. You gotta go apologize.

To your point, Ted.

As an innkeeper, do you do that cheapy thing where you only change the linens

upon request?

I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?

Robin, you know I'm right. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. It

usually just makes it bigger.

You're right.

Thank you.

All that sexlessness has made you wise.

God's sake.

Mint on the pillow, Ted. And don't charge for Wi-Fi. It seems greedy.

But eventually, even Barney and Robin had to admit they owed Lillian Marshall

an apology.

Hey, we wanted to say we're sorry.

Oh, I wish you had called.

I swear, he was right there, just eating a Belgian waffle.

Well, he can't have enjoyed it as much as I'm enjoying this Gouda. Oh!

Oh, listen, now's not a good time.

We'll call you.

We just won.

Hey, guys.

Hey, hey, hey. How's it?

Oh,

we can't. We're here with Pi and Shay.

Oh, it's just we haven't seen you guys all week.

Hey, maybe all six of us could hang out. Yeah.

Oh, it might be weird. We're kind of on a double date. Wouldn't want you to feel

like a fifth and sixth wheel.

Who the hell are these people?

They just moved here from Hawaii.

Pi is a total foodie and Shay, well...

Shay is just... Anywho,

we can't stay long. We're just going to grab a quick beer and then take these

kooks for a boat ride around the city.

Wow, it sounds like this is getting pretty serious.

Well, we don't want to jinx it, but I kind of think they might be the two.

Who needs them?

Not us Living

alone

Think of all the friends we know

When we dial the telephone

Hi. Two for dinner?

Just the two of you.

All by ourselves.

Don't wanna be all by ourselves

anymore.

All by ourselves. Hi.

Why don't we call that...

Weird couple down the hall from you, you know, with the ferrets.

Maybe they want to come over and play taboo.

After midnight? No way. We can't taboody call them. It's pathetic.

Hey, guys.

Hi, my dad.

Barney, are you wearing sweatpants?

Maybe. But they're Armani.

Okay, guys, I got some bad news for you, so I'm just going to come out and say

it.

You're a couple.

And no matter how hard you try to fight it, Couples need other couples.

That's why you miss Marshall and Lily.

And can't you just admit that?

Oh, yeah.

That was amazing, Lily. I know.

When I got that left-hand yellow, I was like, what?

You guys are the best. Oh, right back at you.

Ding.

Four charades.

How do we know you two won't hurt us again?

You don't.

You know what?

We have two very nice people up in that apartment.

Who are perfect for us.

And what are you doing?

Standing out in the rain with us.

Damn it.

Why is there something so attractive about a bad boy?

And girl?

I think we can change them.

Come here, you two.

We'll never sleep on the Gouda again.

Hey, Barney, I got a little poem for you. You want to hear it? Um, not

really. Twas the night before this one.

I had hours to kill.

I sat in the tavern grading parchments with quill. With quill?

Barney, it's a poem.

A busty young lassie flashed me a grin.

Her garb said classy, but her eyes whispered sin.

She said, you're a teacher?

I said, yes, indeed.

I must have you, she moaned. I'm turned on by tweed.

With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon. We fell to the couch, and bro, it

was on.

I unlaced her bodice, our passions grew deeper, and thus ends the tale of the

sexless innkeeper.

No way.

You've made that up.

Are you coming back to bed, Professor?

God, I love being single.

Barney, you ready for brunch with Lillian Marshall?

What have I done?