Original subtitles

Kids, your Uncle Barney have been called a lot of names over the years.

Jerk.

Bastard.

Barack Obama Jr.? Mm-hmm.

And yes, we can.

But there's one name none of us ever expected to hear him called.

Boyfriend. Barney Stinson is my boyfriend. I've said it like a hundred

times. It still sounds weird to say.

Well, anything sounds weird if you say it a hundred times.

Bull.

Bull.

Ball.

But other than that, things are good?

I don't know. I think Barney's been single for too long. Like, the other

night, I wake up at 4 a.m.

Barney, are you awake?

Barney?

Barney, this is not a one-night stand. We're dating. Come back to bed.

That's happened three times. Bull. And it's not just that. It's other things.

Hey, what's wrong?

It was just one thing after another at work today, and then I found out my

aunt's in the hospital.

I'm just, I'm feeling so overwhelmed, and it's just... Shh.

What you need to do is talk through this stuff.

Thanks. And then, once you're off the phone with Lily, I'll be down in the bar

ready to have sex. I'm gone.

Bull.

Look, I'm not the touchy-feely-est person in the world, but a little more

effort would be nice. I understand.

I guess in a lot of ways, Barney doesn't stack up. I mean, you've had some pretty

incredible boyfriends.

Ball. Ball.

Ball. Ball.

Ball.

No, that's not it. I don't know.

Maybe he just doesn't have it in him.

Maybe this whole thing's been a big mistake.

Ball?

She really said that? And she meant it.

Trust me, I dated Robin for a year. If you don't want to lose her, you got to

try a little harder.

Be more attentive to where she is emotionally. Just be present.

Yes, totally.

Yeah. Only thing, and this is just me, I like my testicles attached to my body

rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse.

Stinson out!

But then a funny thing happened.

Over the next couple weeks, Barney was thoughtful, considerate, sweet.

In short, the perfect boyfriend, which to Robin meant only one thing.

He's cheating on me. What? Why else would he buy me flowers? He's getting

some on the side. Oh, come on, Robin.

Barney's not the type of guy who would go on.

Plus, he keeps saying he's working late, but when I call his office, they say he

left hours ago.

That doesn't prove anything.

Yes, proof. Good word. I'm glad you brought that up.

Barney's briefcase. He forgot it here this morning.

And what do you plan on doing with it? We, we, you and I, are going to open it

up and look for evidence.

Ted probably has a sledgehammer around here somewhere.

Stop, stop.

Eye contact.

Listen to me. Robin Scherbatsky is many things.

Friend, confidant, occasional guest star in some confusing dreams that remind me

a woman's sexuality is a moving target. But she is no crazy, jealous stalker

bitch. Let go.

Hey. I've been down in the basement storage area going through all the stuff

that Lily and I left behind when we moved out. I'm sorry, Robin. We should

have cleared it out for you much sooner. There's a basement storage area? Oh,

you're not upset. Good.

Baby, guess what I found.

Oh, that's great, honey.

What the hell is that?

Marshall got it in college. He used it as a nightstand for years.

Until we found out that Lily was allergic to barrel resin.

Barrel resin? Just go with it. So you need a hand throwing it out?

No, I'm not just gonna throw her out, okay?

Mabel's, like, family.

So, um, what are you gonna do with Mabel? I wanna give her away, um, to a

lucky new owner. Do you know anyone?

Yeah, hmm, let me think. Do I know any rodeo clowns?

Oh, that's weird. I do. But even Lenny wouldn't go near that mess.

Well, he's not going to have the chance because I am putting old Mabel in the

Bermuda Triangle.

The Bermuda Triangle was the name we'd given years earlier to the curb right in

front of our building.

Whenever we wanted to give something away, we'd put it right there.

It was uncanny.

This is so exciting. Right now, there's someone out there who has no idea that

tonight, they're going home with just... just the best barrel.

Well, let's just hope they're not allergic to barrel resin like Lily here.

Be cool, baby, down.

See you, sweetie. Goodbye.

Bye, baby.

Now, can we please get out of here? Yeah, I'll grab my coat.

college notebook.

Oh my god, he's cheating on me with some college girl. I knew there was a skank,

but I thought she'd at least be dumb.

Birthday, July 23rd. Favorite hockey team. The Vancouver Canucks. Age 29, but

tells people that she's 26.

Oh my god, these are notes about me.

Or some 29-year-old version of me.

I hope I'm not too late. I want to see the look of joy on the new owner's face.

She's still there.

Okay, Mabel, let's find you a new home.

Here comes a guy.

He just walked right on by it.

He's probably rushing home to get a hand cart or something.

Yeah, hey, better hurry up, Tal.

What are you guys doing with Barney's secret robin notebook?

Let me rephrase that.

Did you two ladies lose some weight?

What do you know about this Marshall?

Why would Barney have a notebook full of information about me?

Well, the truth was Barney was taking a night school class taught by me.

Welcome to Robin 101.

head teaching a class about me.

It all started a few weeks ago.

Rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out!

Stinson back in.

Say, hypothetically, I did want to change who I am to become a better

boyfriend to Robin, which I do not.

What kind of changes are we talking about? Right.

Yeah, but there's just so much you need to know about her.

Okay, for starters, don't ever cry in front of her.

Okay. And whatever you do, don't cry in front of her four times.

Hey, guys.

What are you talking about?

Fantasy football.

They realized they couldn't talk about this stuff at the bar, and since you

live with Ted, they had to find someplace safe.

So, Ted's classroom.

How to date Robin Scherbatsky, lesson one.

Now, even though she puts up a tough exterior, what Robin really wants, deep

down... I'm bored.

You said you wanted my help. Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard?

We did that already.

No, like really big boobs.

No. Look, I need this too.

I've only been a professor a few weeks. Being up here, it's good practice for

me. Can we have class outside?

No. What Robin really wants, deep down, is... Barney?

What? I'm tweeting about you.

You should be flattered. How do you spell blah, blah, blah? H's or no?

Wow, you were just, like, the worst student in the world, weren't you? They

said I had A, D, something. Can we have class outside?

Barney, I'm only going to say this once.

So listen up.

I love you, and I love Robin, and I want to make this work.

So if you give me a few weeks of attention, I can give you a lifetime of

happiness.

Can you do that for me? Do you think I should get Sports Illustrated for 70%

off the cover price? Can we have class outside?

Gotta find a way to reach this kid.

Class number two.

Top ten Robin Scherbatsky facial expressions and their meaning.

Now, notice the vacant eyes, the pale, queasy expression suggesting nausea.

What do these mean?

You guys just had sex?

Oh!

Wasn't me.

Dude, I worked really hard on these slides, okay? Can we just... This look

is hunger. If you ever see Robin looking like this, get some food in her, quick,

or one of two things will happen.

One, weird, out-of-context laughter.

Or two, spontaneously falling asleep in strange places.

But the most important facial expression of all...

That's a building.

Oh, it's from my class. The Flatiron Building.

Fun story about it. It was designed by Chicago's Daniel Burnham in the Beaux

-Arts style. This architectural gem was one of the... Dude! Right.

The most important facial expression of all.

Whoa.

Flared nostril ridges.

Wide, unblinking eyes.

Have you ever...

ever see this face, Barney.

Run.

And don't take a picture of it. She will punch you.

And you will cry.

For the third time that night.

Which brings us to an important point.

Diffusing the bomb.

Diffusing the bomb? What does that even mean?

Three topics to distract Robin from being mad at you. Distract me? Oh, that

is so condescending. These guys are really starting to piss me off.

Immediately switch the conversation to one of the following.

Unless you want Robin to start throwing her shoes.

One.

Vancouver Canucks 2004 division title.

That's not distracting.

That's just talking about the story of a scrappy little underdog team that

prevailed despite very shaky goaltending and, frankly, the declining skills of

Trevor Linden.

Two.

Proper gun cleaning and maintenance.

You have to clean your gun. My uncle had a filthy old shotgun, blew both his

thumbs off trying to shoot a beaver. You want to distract someone, make them

watch my uncle try to eat corn on the cob.

Three.

Emperor Penguins.

Did you know that before intercourse, the male and female Emperor Penguins bow

to each other?

Mr. Penguin.

Mrs. Penguin.

Oh, God, silly penguins acting all fancy.

What were we talking about?

Uh-oh, looks like we gotta take her.

Oh, come on, dude. You know you want to.

Guy like you, beard, no mustache.

You're exactly the kind of guy who could use a sweet barrel.

Do it.

That is not a fire hydrant!

For shame, sir!

For shame!

I bet you couldn't even grow a mustache if you wanted to!

Neither can you, sweetie. Well, he doesn't know that, baby. God!

Ted's only teaching Barney horrible things about me.

I don't know.

Check this out. This is actually kind of sweet.

Now, we all know Robin's not what you'd call touchy-feely.

She doesn't say, I love you, like a normal person. Instead, she'll laugh,

shake her head, give you a little smile, and say, you're an idiot.

You're an idiot?

Yep. If she tells you you're an idiot, you are a lucky man.

And if she does say I love you, she's already broken up with you in her mind.

It's nice that Ted knows you that well. Yeah, well, too bad it's next to a page

entitled... Robin Scherbatsky's Surprising Erogenous Zones.

Right knee.

Ticklish.

Left knee.

Does lefty like that? Oh, yeah.

Lefty like that.

I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby.

That's like taking fashion advice from...

Well, Ted Mosby.

Oh, here's a good one.

Top five things never to do around Robin.

Three, never ever play the guess who game with her.

What do you mean?

Guess who?

Get out!

It's me, it's me, it's me.

Number four, unless you want to see it 80 times a day for the next month,

never. Show Robin a YouTube clip of an animal playing a musical instrument.

Barney!

Do you have a problem with this class?

Yeah, it's boring as hell, and I'm not learning anything.

Uh, well, maybe the problem is your attitude. You're not listening to a word

I say.

Uh-huh. Uh, can you hear this, Professor?

Or should I turn it up for you?

It may not have been a thumbs-up, kids.

So you think you're not learning anything, huh?

Okay.

Pop quiz.

When Robin's PMSing, what kind of chocolate should you get her? Trick

question. Get her butterscotch. Correct. Why?

Butterscotch is to Canadian women what chocolate is to American women. Correct!

What is Robin's dream job? To become the most successful female TV journalist of

all time. Correct. And if she achieves that, will she truly be happy? No.

Robin's deep-seated need for attention can be traced back to her father's

emotional distance. And no amount of success will ever make up for what she

truly needs, which is six simple words from her dad. Robin, I'm proud of you,

eh? Yes!

But I guess you're right.

You haven't learned anything.

Sorry to have wasted your time.

Oh, Captain, my Captain!

How good was Dead Poets Society?

I know, right? The end?

Tears.

Okay, can I just say that my deepest need in life is not to have my father

say, I am proud of you, A.

Then why are you crying right now? I'm not crying, little sweetie.

Can I get you some butterscotch? No, stop it.

Wait a second. It says here that the class meets at 6.15 on Tuesday.

So? That's right now.

Now, as you can see, well over 50% of the blankets have been dragged onto her

side. Make no mistake.

Robin Scherbatsky is a classic textbook... coverhog.

Any questions?

Yeah, I have one.

Yes, Robin.

Flared nostril ridges.

Wide, unblinking eyes.

Uh-oh. I got this.

So, Emperor Penguins. Crazy, huh?

What the hell do you two think you're doing?

Marshall, did you sell us out? I was vulnerable, okay? I said goodbye to a

very dear friend today. Dude, it's a barrel!

Aw, you're giving Mabel away?

I have so many questions. Why would you do this? What were you thinking?

Who the hell is that guy?

Oh, that's Shinya.

He's sort of been auditing the class.

Auditing? Well, I tried to explain to him it wasn't a real class, but I don't

think he speaks much English.

On the bright side, he came in handy standing in for you during the role

-playing exercises.

Wait, you did role-playing exercises where I was played by Shinya?

You know,

I can't believe you, Ted. You actually think you're some kind of an expert on

me? Hey, he is an expert. He's a great teacher.

Piss-ass.

See, I thought the stuff in this notebook is patently wrong.

Uh, really? Name one wrong thing.

Robin Scherbatsky's surprising erogenous zones?

Let me clear something up for you, Ted.

Does Lefty like that?

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Don't want to leave out Righty. Oh, uh, no, um, the right one's Ticklish, I

guess.

But the left one, yeah, I'm glad you're back there.

Because that is just some sweet, sweet lovin'. Noted.

That was a lot. We had just started dating. I was being nice.

And you!

You know, I got it into my head this week that you were cheating on me. I

even broke open your briefcase to look for evidence.

That is a huge violation of my privacy.

Go on.

You know, in a way, I was right. You cheated.

You can't get some crib sheet on dating me. That's not how it works.

If we can't figure out how to be with each other in a real, honest way, I

don't see the point of even trying.

What

do

you want?

Look, all that stuff I told Barney, It was personal between you and me.

I'm really sorry.

I guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered.

It's funny.

When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that

person is. And then when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless.

It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree.

I guess I just like the idea of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky knowledge to

good use, you know?

Well, since you...

Know me pretty well.

Am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing?

I don't know.

I will say this, though.

I've seen Barney work very hard to get women.

I've seen him work very hard to get rid of women.

I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around.

I was going to give him an A.

Well, B plus.

Shinya kind of screwed up the curve.

Hey, before you say anything, I am done with this stupid Robin 101, okay? Here,

I'll get rid of the notebook.

There's something that I did want to say to you.

Robin, I have been with a lot of women.

Blondes, brunettes, redheads, big boobs, small boobs, medium

boobs.

Some boobs that were big, but kind of in a bad way.

The point is, boobs that pointed in opposite directions. The point is...

I'm really scared that you're gonna dump me, and that's why I did this, and

I'm sorry.

You're an idiot.

You know...

That notebook does contain a lot of personal info.

I think it has my home address.

And your work address.

Whoa.

Hey, guys, if you don't want the barrel, can you sit somewhere else? Because

you're scaring away potential takers.

Designed by Chicago's Daniel Burnham in the Beaux-Arts style, this architectural

gem... was the first of its kind. Uh, Professor Mosby? Yes, Susan.

That's a woman drinking beer on the toilet.

Right, that, that was Daniel Burnham's wife.

She was a troubled, troubled woman. We are moving on.