Original subtitles

Great. So, um, I'll give you a call. I hope you do. All right.

Whoa. Whoa. Look at this. I just got that girl's number. Check it out.

Holly. Nice.

Girls whose names end in L-Y are always dirty. Holly.

Kelly. Carly.

Lily. Hey.

Oh, yeah, I know. It's true.

And don't even get me started on girls whose names should end in Y, but instead

end in I.

Those girls are like roller coasters.

You gotta wait in a long line, but once you get up there, you just hold on for

dear life and hope you don't drop your keys.

Hey, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call her right now. I'm gonna do

that whole, hey, remember me? It's been so long.

See, it's funny because I just saw her. Dude, you can't call her. You have to

wait three days to call a woman. That's the rule. Barney, that rule is

completely played out. Girls know exactly what you're doing. Hey, I got a

new rule. It's kind of crazy, but I call it, you like her, you call her.

I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I don't speak, I never get laid.

Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?

Jesus.

Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.

Seriously.

Jesus started the whole wait three days thing. He waited three days to come back

to life. It was perfect. If he'd have only waited one day, a lot of people

wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, hey, Jesus, what up?

And Jesus would probably be like, what up?

i died yesterday and then they'd be all uh you look pretty alive to me dude and

then jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle

and then the dude would be like uh okay whatever you say bro wow ancient

dialogue sounds so stilted now then he's not gonna come back on a saturday

everybody's busy doing chores working the loom trimming their beards no he

waits the exact right number of days

Three. Okay, I promise. I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.

Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already.

They're all in there, oh, no.

Jesus is dead.

Then, bam, he bursts through the back door.

Runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And FYI, that's when he

invented the high five.

Three days, Tim.

We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us

to wait.

True story.

Okay, fine, I promise.

I won't call Holly for three days.

But I never said anything about texting.

I started things off with something cute and charming.

I was thinking about you, so I thought I'd send you a little texty text.

And the moment I hit send, I realized it wasn't cute at all. It was the lamest

thing anyone has ever said to anyone.

And the worst thing about texting is that once you send it,

you can never get

it back.

And then you wait.

And just when you've decided never to text anyone ever again, I've been

thinking about you too.

And how weird is it that you texted me while I was in the bath?

What was that?

What? You made a noise.

It was my phone. I got a text.

Not that. You made your naked lady noise.

What? Whenever you see a naked lady, you make the noise.

I don't do that.

Really?

Oh, God. Sorry, Lily.

While the men are out hunting, the women of New Guinea's indigenous Karawai tribe

wash their clothes in the river.

That's totally a boob.

Is that Holly who keeps texting you? Didn't you promise to wait three days?

To call, yes.

Texting is totally different.

Okay, well, just try to keep the naked lady noises to a minimum. I don't make a

naked lady noise.

Really?

Holly and I stayed up texting until two in the morning.

And we spent the whole next day texting each other, too.

She seemed perfect.

Oh, wow.

Holly just told me what she's wearing right now. It is pretty hot.

Now, whatever it is, I can guarantee you she's not wearing it. She's lying to you

to make you like her. How do you know that?

Because no woman in the history of the world is ever just sitting around

reading architecture magazines in my old cheerleader uniform.

Okay, maybe she's lying about the architecture magazines.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, no, this is bad.

What? She just sent me a text that was clearly meant for someone else.

Hey, baby, I picked up some takeout from Gennaro's. Be home soon.

Okay, yes, this sounds bad, but let's think about this, okay? It could be for

a brother or maybe her sick dad. Scroll down.

And then I want you to do me on the couch.

Okay, maybe not a sick dad.

Or a very sick dad.

Am I right?

Sorry.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

What is this?

Oh, it's just some takeout from Gennaro's. I'm bringing it home for

Lily. Oh, that's weird. Holly just texted Ted something about takeout from

Gennaro's.

Wait a second.

You sons of bitches.

What?

You're Holly.

So Ted hasn't been texting Holly at all. He's been texting you two?

Look, we knew he'd try to call her before the three days. So I swiped his

phone and I changed her number to my work cell.

We were just gonna bust on him for calling her too soon, but then he

started texting her.

Texty text?

Oh, Ted.

Oh, poor sweet tats. We should tell them it's us.

Yeah. Or we pretend we're Holly and we're in the bath.

Yeah, that's better.

Well,

that was fun.

We should tell them that it's us. Yeah, we should.

Or we tell them our favorite color is red and we think the cowboy look is very

sexy.

Yeah, that's better.

I'm wearing them right now, and they do look sexy.

He put on the boots! He totally put on the boots!

That was awesome!

But it's time to tell him who he really put those boots on. Yeah.

Or we just took off our shirt.

Yeah, that's better.

You think maybe we're wearing a black...

lace bra underneath?

I don't think we're wearing anything underneath.

God, we're hot.

Now he's only wearing the cowboy boots. It is on.

It is so on. Tell him that we're slowly slipping out of our... What

are we doing?

I think that we're about to have sex with Ted.

you did this to him all day that's just mean no no no it was it was actually for

his own good we're protecting him from himself he he really likes this girl he

had that that look in his eye yeah that crazy i'm about to move too fast and

screw this up look it was actually the same look he had on his first date with

you we all remember how that went yeah i think i'm in love with you what

I was a special case. This Polly is no Robin Scherbatsky.

And what does it do with her hair?

Newsflash, they make conditioners that don't leave a buildup.

I'm so bad.

Look, it's been a while since Ted really liked someone. He's clearly got a lot of

crazy stored up. We just, we thought we'd get him to say I love you before he

even makes contact with this girl.

And you can tell it's on the way. He's exhibiting all the telltale signs.

Yeah. One, he joked about getting married.

You like architecture?

We should get married.

Ha ha.

LOL. Just kidding.

Question mark?

Two, he made a crazy way-too-soon trip suggestion.

I like beer, too. We should totally go to Germany together.

LOL. JK.

LOL.

And three, he got way too personal way too soon. Yeah, my parents got divorced

a couple years back. It was really tough.

LOL. And he clearly doesn't know what LOL means.

Here's the real problem. Ted wasn't saying I love you as easily as we

thought he would. Then we met Stan.

Why are you making so much noise, man?

So we explained everything to him, and when we were done, something amazing

happened.

Why don't you tell Ted that just knowing he's out there thinking about you,

caring about you, makes you feel safe.

So all your fears, all your yesterdays wash away.

And only hope remains in the promise of his embrace.

Wow. Go Stan.

Who is this guy? He's a security guard who works nights. And he eats lunch at

McLaren's every day. And he wasn't done. Not by a long shot.

You make me thank God for every mistake I ever made because each one led me down

the path that brought me to you.

It's, like, really nice, man.

Whatever. It's okay.

And when we finally come together, I want you to hold me.

Hold me all night.

Stroke my head.

Tell me I'm a woman and show me you a man.

Until there was only now.

You and I and now.

Yes!

You all need to text that to Ted.

I know that.

I do not ask of the night explanations.

I wait for it.

And it envelops me. And so you and bread and light and shadow

are.

That's Pablo Neruda.

I don't know what bread was doing in there, but that touched me.

Here.

And here.

Well, if Ted won't say it, I will.

I love you.

That's cool.

Still nothing, huh?

Maybe he's not in love with us. How could he not be in love with us? We're

everything he's looking for.

I don't get men.

Gotta head to work.

Will you be back?

I'll be back when the wind and fates and chance bring me back.

Which will be tomorrow.

It's cheesesteak day.

Wow, it sounds like you were all over this guy.

Oh, but his girlfriend didn't get jealous.

Did he mention a girlfriend, or...? It was all going great, until Marshall sent

Ted a text meant for Lily and ruined everything. Well, it doesn't matter,

okay? It's over now.

i gotta get going but here's what's gonna happen you're going to call him

right now tell him what you did and apologize you got it yes

or holly explained

everything it was all just a misunderstanding everything's great now

really uh how did uh holly explain her way out of that one well apparently her

dumb friend marcia accidentally used her phone to text her husband billy Marsha

and Billy.

No one sprained any muscles there.

And now we are better than ever.

Look, I know this sounds crazy, but I think I might actually be falling for

this girl.

You're falling for Barney and Marshall.

What? They didn't believe that you could wait the three days, so Barney changed

her number in your phone to his work cell.

Holly is Barney and Marshall.

Wait, that whole time it was them?

So Holly wasn't in the bath?

Or sitting by her window looking up at the stars thinking about me?

Or lounging in her old cheerleader uniform reading architecture magazines?

Yeah, I don't think they actually did those things. They were just at the bar.

Right.

Yeah, it was them.

Unbelievable!

I know.

So you might as well tell them you're onto them. Yeah.

Or... I text them something that'll really mess with their heads.

Oh, I gotcha.

Okay. How about... I haven't told any of my friends yet, but I only have three

months to live. Not bad.

How about...

I once killed a man with a shovel, and those feelings are creeping up again. Uh

-huh. Uh-huh. I like that thing someone said before about having three months to

live. How about, I've never told anyone this, but I slept with my best friend's

mom. Oh, that is good.

But I feel like we keep coming back to that three months to live thing.

Wait. I think I got it. Oh, yeah?

Oh! Oh! He texted back.

I probably shouldn't tell you this.

I mean, we barely know each other, but what the hell? I'll just say it. This is

it, dude. Here comes the I love you.

Wish Stan were here.

Stan.

Whoa. What?

I sometimes have gay dreams about my best friend.

I sometimes have gay dreams about my best friend. Why in the world would Ted

text a girl he barely knows that he sometimes has gay dreams about me?

Whoa, whoa, slow your roll.

You?

He's clearly talking about me.

Dude, it's me. I'm his best friend.

Okay, one, that has never been proven. Two, if anyone were to have gay dreams

about one of us, it would be me.

I mean, look at me.

Now look at you.

Uh... Still in the closet, 80-year-old wouldn't be into that mess.

Here's the thing, Barney. I'm snuggly. You're not.

Who wouldn't want to snuggle up next to this business on a Sunday morning,

wrapped in a comforter, and it's raining outside, and there's muffins warming in

the oven? I'm cuddly, bitch.

Deal with it.

I work out every day.

If there is one thing we know about Ted, it's that he likes a nice body. This

body would rock his world.

Ted and I have a history. I know what he likes. There are things I could do to

him that would blow his mind.

Why do we keep trying to have sex with Ted? I don't know. It's weird.

Crazy, right?

Ted's having gay dreams about me?

And by me, he means M.E.

Marshall Erickson, star of Ted's gay dreams.

Who cares? So Ted has gay dreams about one of you guys. It's not like you found

out he has three months to live.

That's like, oh, shocking, right?

Whoa. Hey, look at this guy.

How's it going, best friend of 12 years?

Well,

it's kind of weird, but I had this crazy dream the other night. It's a little

embarrassing. You can tell us, Ted. This is a safe space.

Yeah, your feelings are perfectly natural, buddy.

Okay. Here's what happened.

And then I proceeded to waste a half hour of those bastards' lives, telling

them about this dream I had where I ate dinner with my top five favorite

architects throughout history.

And then, at the end of the meal, Frank Gehry slides the check over to I Am Pay,

and he says, Buddy, tonight, your name is I Am Paying.

Buckminster Fuller almost did a spit take.

And then I woke up.

So that's it?

No other dreams?

Nothing confusing or erotic?

Nope.

Okay, how about this? Ted, you know how at some point in the future machines

will rise up against us? Sure. Okay, so the machines, they've killed everybody.

And all that's left is you, me,

and Barty.

Which one of us would you, like...

Get with.

And why do I have to get with one of you?

The machines are forcing you. They want to watch. That's just how they get down.

That's a tough one. I guess it would have to be...

Holly.

Robin told me what you guys did. That's why I made up the gay dreams thing.

Guys, this is Holly.

Hi. And I didn't wait your precious three days to call her. I knew where she

worked, so I tracked her down.

Let me ask you, did I call you too soon?

I love that he called me right away.

I found it very romantic.

And by the way, I don't sit around my apartment reading architecture magazines

in my old cheerleader uniform.

I do that completely naked.

So, Holly and I are going out to dinner.

I'll meet you up front. Okay.

I'm sorry, buddy. We were just trying to help you. And also, it was really fun.

I don't need your help, okay? I can take care of myself.

And yeah, maybe there are some girls who wouldn't like it that I called them

right away or said things too soon. But guess what? Those aren't the right girls

for me.

Maybe the right girl is the one who loves that I do those things. Because

that's just who I am.

And I'm not going to change because of some stupid three days rule.

Oh, and Holly spells her name with an I.

So I had proven that the three days rule was wrong.

And I was out to dinner with a pretty girl.

And until right now, I've never told anyone the truth about what happened on

that date.

That's so funny. I love indie music, too.

We should get married.

Ha ha.

Just kidding.

Or am I?

Just kidding again.

That's it. We're totally going to Brazil together.

And I went to my doctor this morning, and he said it is all cleared up, so I'm

good to go.

I think I'm in love with you, Ted.

In the end, I didn't need to wait three days.

But Holly really, really did.

Like a lot of rules, there are times to follow them and times to not.

But I will tell you this.

When I got your mother's number, I called her right away.

Hey, fellas.

Stan, aren't you working?

Took the night off. That's great. We can all hang out. Yeah.

Ken, got a date.

You ready, baby?

Yeah.

Wait,

couldn't you guys just stay here and do your date with us? Yeah, it'll be fun.

Look, I'm laughing.

It's fun here.

You like magic?

Fellas, it's time we said goodbye.

I mean, we shared a very special afternoon together, and that's something

I'll always cherish.

I'll never forget you guys.

Do you even know their names? No idea. Is the tall one Ted? No, that's

Marshall. He's married to Lily.

You like chicken wings? Oh, yeah.