Original subtitles

You will not believe what happened at laser tag last night people freaked out

because a creepy man in a suit wouldn't leave their kids alone No Well, yeah

pretty much

Disorderly gameplay.

Three counts of shoving. And now this?

Stinson, you're a liability.

I know I don't play by your precious rules, McCracken. But damn it, I get

results. Look, you're a good laser tag player.

Maybe the best I've ever seen.

But one of these days you're going to get someone hurt. Maybe even yourself.

You just forget what it's like out there.

You've had your fat ass stuck behind that desk for too long. That's it.

You're out.

Please don't do this.

This game is all I've got.

And I've almost got enough tickets for the remote control helicopter.

Please.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

But I'm going to give you one last shot.

But still help me if you so much as step one toe out of line.

You're going to be playing duck hunt in your mama's basement so fast it's going

to make your head spin.

Now get out of here!

You won't regret this.

That's it, Stinson.

You're banned for life!

I can't believe you got kicked out of Lasertag. What are you gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do? I'll tell you what Ted and I are gonna do.

We're gonna break in after hours and TP the place.

Barney, we are too old to cover a place in toilet paper just because they won't

let you play Lasertag. And for that matter, we're too old for Lasertag.

Ted, Lasertag knows no age restrictions.

Kind of like stripping in the Midwest.

Whatever.

I'm adding laser tag to the Murtaugh list.

Oh, geez, not the Murtaugh list.

What's the Murtaugh list?

The Murtaugh list is something that came into being around the time I turned 30.

It all started with your Uncle Marshall's beer bong.

When we were in our early 20s, every time we had a party, that beer bong came

out. And around the time we turned 30, same thing.

Of course, in our early 20s, the next day would go like this.

But by the time we were 30, the next day would go like this.

Then one day, in the throes of the worst hangover of my life, I realized there

was only one person in the world that I could relate to.

Detective Roger Murtaugh, played by Danny Glover in the 80s noir masterpiece

Lethal Weapon.

Known for his oft-quoted catchphrase, I'm too old for this stuff.

He said, I'm too old for this stuff.

It's sad to admit, but as you get older, there's just certain things you can't do

anymore. That's why I have this list, so I never make the mistake of thinking

that I can still pull an all-nighter. Oh, I'm too old for that stuff.

Or eat an entire pizza in one sitting.

I'm too old for that stuff.

Or hang posters on your wall without frames.

Riggs.

Riggs!

I'm too old for that stuff.

By the way, how good is Lethal Weapon?

I don't know. It's kind of a rip-off. Old guy paired up with a young renegade

cop. Sound familiar?

McElroy and LeFleur.

Don't tell me you guys have never seen McElroy and LeFleur.

It's the greatest Canadian action movie of all time.

Malcolm Roy is a young renegade Mountie whose horse was just killed by evil

Americans. While Le Fleur, his grouchy old African-Canadian partner, just

bought a cozy ice fishing shack in northern Alberta.

I gotta go.

Bye, baby. Have fun at practice.

Practice? Is he doing that one-man band thing again? Because that was a bummer.

Actually, Marshall had just taken over as coach for Lily's kindergarten

basketball team. He thought it'd be fun.

But Lily saw to something more.

Dad practice.

Hi.

Hey. Oh, my gosh. Orange slices? That is so sweet.

What are you doing here? I couldn't resist. I wanted to see Coach

Marshmallow do his thing. Oh, okay.

Hey, kids.

Who wants to knock off early and have some of these here orange slices?

Yeah!

Yeah? Well, you can't! because oranges are for winners and you little turds

haven't even made a single shot yet. You're embarrassing yourselves.

You're embarrassing Miss Aldrin. And worst of all, you're embarrassing me.

That's it.

Suicides. Baseline. Now.

Run.

Ted, there is not a single thing on here that you are too old to do. In fact, if

you did everything on the Murtaugh list, I'd call that a pretty fun weekend.

Barney, you are not 18 anymore. If you did everything on that list, you would

die.

That wasn't a challenge.

Challenge accepted.

In the next 24 hours, I'm going to do every single thing on this list. And

after I do, you will TP the laser tag place with me.

And if you can't do it? I will spend three hours listening to you talk about

architecture. You have got yourself a deal. Robin, will you do the honors?

A gentleman's agreement.

Huzzah! All right, chumps, let's do this.

Barney Ostianza!

Do you really want to make this bet with him? You know how he is.

Robin, there is some pretty tough stuff on that list. I do really think Barney's

going to get his ear pierced.

Get ear pierced. Check.

All right, I'm off to go do laundry at Mom's house.

Do you guys mind if I crash on your futon tonight? We don't have a futon.

Put it over there, boys.

What's going on?

It's on the Murtaugh list.

Crash on a friend's futon instead of getting a hotel room.

I am too old for that stuff.

What's going on with your ear? Looks like the inside of a jack-o'-lantern on

November 3rd.

What, this?

Uh, just a little infection.

Nothing a young guy like me can't shake off.

Plus, put off going to the doctor on the list.

Oh, hold on.

The next morning, Barney woke up on the futon in our living room.

Drinking shots with strangers.

Check.

You okay, Barney? It looks like you hurt your back.

Oh, no. Just rocking a party hunch.

I like it.

Closer to my booze.

To youth.

Can I get a straw?

I must say, there's something admirable about the way Barney wants to stay young

at heart.

I mean, who wants to get old?

This guy.

Robin, life is a meal and old age is the dessert.

I spend so much of my time worrying about the future. You know, where's my

career going? Who am I going to marry?

But when you're old, you don't worry because all that stuff's already

happened. Plus, you get to wear comfy shoes and a chair takes you up and down

the stairs. It's perfect.

That's not perfect. That's pathetic.

You can't just jump to the end. The journey is the best part.

Oh, Robin.

I used to feel that way, too, but you'll understand when you're a little bit

older.

Marshall, can you try not to pick on the kids today?

I'm not picking on the kids, Lily. I'm picking on the culture of losing around

here. I gotta get them in shape if they're gonna win that game tomorrow.

Win?

We don't keep score.

What? We don't keep score.

You don't keep score?

What's the point of playing if you don't keep score? How do you know?

Lily, what were you doing with this team before I got here?

I was coaching them.

That's it, my little angels.

You're all luminous, wonderful beings of light.

What's the score?

It's all tied up with fun to fun.

Yay!

Because that's the point of playing, to have fun. No, the point of playing is to

win the trophy. And if you don't know who's winning, who gets the trophy?

Everyone.

It's a participation trophy.

Everyone gets one.

It's like you're speaking Chinese to me right now.

Hi, this is Barney. And Robin. We can't answer the phone right now because...

He's watching sports and I'm... Probably out shopping.

Uh-oh.

Leave a message and we'll call you back just as soon... As we can.

Leave an annoying two-person message on your answering machine.

Check.

Probably gonna cost me some dates, but...

It's okay.

Barney, your ear's starting to smell.

No, it's good.

Yeah, I hate to send it back, but you did describe the turkey as extremely

lean, and, well, you tell me.

All right, that's it. We have our own list.

What? This is a list of things you were too young to do. Go out and do each one

of these things, and then tell me you still want to be an old man.

Hmm.

Remove colonoscopy and have sex with an old lady, and this is a cakewalk.

New stakes, then.

If I can finish your list before you finish mine, you have to come with me to

TP Lasertag, and you have to buy the toilet paper, and none of that

biodegradable crap. I want it up there forever.

Fine. But if I finish your list first, it's a six-hour survey of early 20th

century American architecture, and you can never do anything on the Murtaugh

list ever again for your own good.

You, sir, have got yourself a deal.

A gentleman's agreement!

Huzzah!

Marshall, they're in kindergarten. This isn't how you teach basketball.

Sure it is, the way I learned.

Are you kidding me?

What kind of sociopath taught you this way?

Come on, Dad, I'm tired.

Sleep is for winners.

You can go to bed when you score a basket. I'm trying.

Oh, let's give you two points for trying.

But negative two points for having a great big head.

My father gave me no quarter.

And I asked for no quarter.

I totally got to call that guy.

Keep stretching!

Put on reading glasses.

Check.

Yell at neighborhood kids.

My pleasure.

Hey. Hey.

What the hell happened to you?

Oh, I just had a very minor, blew out my knee and it hurts like hell incident.

How'd you blow out your knee? We, uh, helped someone move out of a six-floor

walk-up in exchange for pizza and beer.

Or we, uh, helped someone rob a six-floor walk-up. They were in a big

hurry and left all the pictures behind.

Whatevs. It counts.

Now, I am off to dye my hair a funny color, and then we are going to go to a

rave. Mm-hmm.

Ooh! Four o'clock!

Supper time.

Okay. So your dad was tough on you. That stinks, but you don't have to be like

him. You can learn from his mistakes.

Mistakes? Lily, scoreboard. The guy nailed it, okay? He taught me how to be

a winner.

That's what I'm teaching these kids. And for that matter...

That's what I'm going to teach our kids someday.

Okay, that's it. This is not how we're going to raise our kids, and this is not

how you're going to coach this team.

At tomorrow's game, if you are anything less than a teddy bear stuffed with

cotton candy and rainbows, I will silent treatment your ass into the ground.

You'll think the time I found your internet search history was a frickin'

picnic. Aren't we clear?

Lily, there are many different... Are we...

You know what's ironic is that now... Just

call

Ted. I want to go home.

I'm calling him, but it's 4.30 in the morning. He's not going to be awake.

Up at 4?

Check.

Is he answering?

I haven't dialed. Oh, please hurry, Robin.

Ooh, perfect.

Take forever to answer the phone.

Come on, Ted. Someone gave me some aspirin and I don't think it was

aspirin.

Check.

So, I know that I have been a little tough on you for the past couple days.

And I apologize for that.

So today we're not going to worry about winning.

We're going to go out there and have fun.

Kids, over the years, your Uncle Marshall has told and retold the story

of this game hundreds of times. And in reality, the kids on that other team

were probably only a grade older.

But in telling and retelling the story, they came to look like this.

Now you're sitting down. Awesome.

Addison, it's not soccer. You don't kick the ball.

Unless that's something that you think is fun, in which case, great job having

fun.

Oh, that was a foul, wasn't it, ref?

My name's not ref. It's Kenny. And watch your tone.

Oh, no tone, Kenny.

Great job, Kenny.

Thanks a lot, Kenny.

See you later, Kenny.

All right, Barney, as your manager, I am throwing in the towel. This bet is over.

Your ear looks like a free Danish at a continental breakfast.

No, no, one thing left.

Beer bone.

Oh, coming right up.

Huh?

Oh, I, uh, found these weird Russian beers in the basement.

Russian beers? I'll take a brewski.

Hey, brewski.

Yeah, it's a little warm hope that's not a problem

Back

is killing

me Everyone at the rave thought I was a narc my ear hurts so bad.

I can hear it I Can hear my own ear think about that?

My clothes.

Get this stuff off of me.

Ted, I'll pay you double for your finest suit.

Here's 30 bucks.

Throw in the shoes.

You win, Ted.

I'll never do anything on the Murtaugh list again.

I'm too old for this stuff.

You know, Barney, last night I went to bed at 8 o'clock because it was on the

list, and I couldn't sleep because, well, it was 8 o'clock.

So I decided to watch Lethal Weapon.

And then when I still couldn't sleep, I watched Lethal Weapon 2.

And then I watched 3.

And then halfway through Lethal Weapon 4 is when it occurred to me.

Murtaugh kept saying, I'm too old for this stuff.

But every time he'd say it, he'd turn around, make another movie, and do more

stuff.

I guess what I'm saying is...

Screw being old.

Let's go TP laser tag.

Huh? Yeah!

And then the hospital.

Great job, guys.

At least we're not keeping score, right? No idea what the score is. Could be 53

to 0. Could be some other score.

It's 53 to 0.

What are we doing wrong, Coach?

You know what? You're not doing anything wrong.

It's great that you guys are losing.

Because... In life, it doesn't matter how much effort you put in or how hard

you try, people will just give you things, like diplomas and jobs and

promotions, so it doesn't matter what you do out there as long as you have

fun.

At that point, because they didn't want to fight in front of the kids, your

Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily had one of their telepathic conversations.

Don't you give me that look. Lily, I can't take it anymore. Your way of

coaching is crazy. Stop yelling at me!

Sorry, but can I please do it my way?

Fine, but I'm going to do it my way, too.

I'm getting my guitar.

I don't know if it was Marshall's tough attitude, Lily's gentle encouragement,

or some magical combination of the two, but in the second half of that game,

that ragtag group of little firecrackers got beat down even worse.

In fact, according to your Uncle Marshall, in the second half, the other

team got even taller.

And one of them turned into a Teen Wolf.

Kenny, there is a Teen Wolf on the court that can't be legal.

I know the Teen Wolf looks different, kids, but try to make sure he feels

included.

kenny you're killing me you're absolutely killing me hey watch it coach

you'll get a technical oh kenny i'm begging you to give me a technical

when the final horn mercifully blew the score was by marshall's estimate 118 to

nothing and even though they didn't win anything everyone even the coach got a

participation trophy i understand if you don't want it i love it

I just, I work so hard, it feels good to be appreciated for my effort. I know,

baby.

Maybe your way is not totally stupid.

Thanks.

Your way is totally stupid.

Ow.

Susan!

Son.

You have been a pain in my ass ever since you joined this club.

But damn it, if this ain't some of the finest TP work I've ever seen, you're

reinstated.

Effective immediately.

Really?

Hell no!

I'll call the police!

Grown-ass man with pink hair throwing toilet paper. You gotta be kidding me.

I'm too old for this stuff.

He said stuff.