Original subtitles

Back in 2009 your aunt Robin got a job hosting a morning show which meant she

had to get up kind of early.

How early?

Morning everybody

So you're actually doing it, huh? You're actually going to work at 2 a.m. I'm not

doing it for me. I'm doing it for the fans.

Who exactly are the fans of a show that airs at 4 in the morning?

People getting up to host a show at 5 in the morning?

Meth addicts who haven't sold their TVs yet?

Strippers in that messy gray area between getting off work and getting

their kids up for school?

Them's my peeps.

All right, catch me up. What's been going on?

You know, it's the usual.

Really? The usual? Yes.

Robin, think of the funniest thing that has ever happened.

Got it. Now double that.

So, a chimpanzee wearing two tuxedos?

Something even funnier than that happens to Marshall today.

Okay, first of all, there is nothing funnier than that.

Second of all, it's not that good a story.

Oh, come on, you guys. You're four young, active people living in the most

exciting city on Earth.

You're telling me you have no stories for me?

What can I say? Some weeks are just like that. It's the same thing over and over.

The kid in my class ate some paste.

I used deceitful means to hook up with a less than intelligent girl.

My ex-girlfriend Karen moved to town. It's just, it's all the same, Robin.

Karen's in town?

You have got to be kidding me.

Kids, I think I've told you about Karen.

She was my girlfriend in high school and intermittently during college.

She was beautiful, smart.

I was madly in love with her.

The only problem was, Marshall and Lily were not.

I think it had something to do with every time Karen opened her mouth.

I love that you guys live in a dorm.

So American.

It's like, let's all eat bologna sandwiches and be racist.

Oh, my God, she was such a douche. Dude, she was the heiress to the Massengill

fortune.

She really wasn't that bad.

Of course you think that. She turned you into one of her douche zombies.

I want to eat your brain, but only if it's organic and grass-fed.

What?

You passed the salt?

Salt?

So bourgeois.

Totally.

What's that thing?

That's a TV, Karen.

Oh.

I don't watch TV.

Totally.

You thought I actually bought tickets to WrestleMania?

I was being ironic.

Totally.

I know that you were being ironic.

I, too, am being ironic.

That makeup didn't come off for a month. I had to meet Lily's parents that way.

I've never looked like a bigger jackass. Until today. Tell the story. Tell the

story. Tell the story. Just let it go!

Well, hold on. Is it really funny?

Robin, I am not kidding you. I almost don't want you to hear it, because

seriously, for the rest of your life, nothing else will ever be as funny, and

you will curse yourself for agreeing to ever hear it in the first place.

But seriously, you gotta hear it. It's so funny.

Fine.

I was at the company gym this morning playing basketball.

The guys I work with can be pretty brutal with their ridicule. Hey, look at

Wisniewski. He's gonna cry. Look at him.

Yeah, look at him.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't think knees are supposed to bend that way. I think

he might have torn his ACL.

Bro, the only thing that guy tore was his cervix or maybe his hymen. Yeah, or

his fallopian tubes.

Boom!

I may have cleaned up the dialogue a little bit.

Anyways, I go to my duffel bag to get out my work clothes. Wait, wait, wait,

wait. I want to say it. I want to say it. I want to say it.

Fine, you say it.

Marshall goes to his duffel bag to get out his work clothes and... No, no, no,

you say it. It's funnier if you say it.

No, let me say it.

No, no, no, you say it.

You say it. Say it.

Same time.

No, no, no, you go. You go.

I forgot. Marshall forgot his pants!

He forgot his pants.

Okay, Marshall forgot his pants. That's pretty funny.

There's no chimpanzee wearing two tuxedos.

What did he... He forgot he put the first one on?

Stupid monkey.

So, Karen in New York. Weird, right?

Ted, you cannot get back together with Karen.

I never said I was going to get back together with her, but I was thinking.

She's new in town. Would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?

No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the

fourth worst thing. Number one, super volcano. Number two, an asteroid hits

the Earth. Number three, all footage of Evel Knievel is lost. Number four, Ted

calls Karen. Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark.

I'm Lily, and I approve the order of that list.

You don't know the whole story.

Ted and Karen were off and on all through college, and it always went the

same way.

They'd be having fun, douching it up, and then one day...

Now you think pepperoni is fascist, and you're totally right, so I can... Oh, my

God! Karen!

Sorry, bro.

Before you say anything, I think that you should read Baudelaire's Le Fleur du

Monde.

Okay.

So then they'd break up, Ted would be all depressed, and we would wait the

appropriate amount of time, and then we'd tell him how we really felt.

Karen and I broke up. We hated her. Bitch had to go.

And then Ted would build up a head of steam and finally take the bus to

Providence to give Karen a piece of his mind.

How'd it go?

Great.

Look who's back.

Karen.

And then sure enough, the whole thing would start all over again.

Make that $10,002, maniacs, because I got us Natalie Merchant tickets.

Sorry, bro.

So she would come visit you at school, and the second you turned your back, she

would bring guys back to your dorm room?

Respect. Okay, I was an idiot.

She was my first real girlfriend. I was madly in love with her. We all did stuff

we regret in college.

Junior year, Marshall grew a soul patch, wore a Rasta hat, and asked everyone to

call him MJ Smooth.

I don't regret that for one second.

So you guys absolutely don't think I should call her? Ted, no.

Okay,

okay, fine. I won't.

Interesting piece of trivia.

I called her. What are you doing? It's the pants story.

I can't believe you called her. Why don't you just ask her to lunch while

you're at it? Because, Lily, I'm not going to ask her out to lunch again.

Wow. You asked her to lunch?

Why would anyone want to have lunch with their ex?

Glad you asked, Marshall. There are four possible motives behind an ex-lunch.

Number one, they want to get back together.

Oh, like my high school boyfriend's scooter.

Lily's clever.

I'm sorry, I don't have a scooter for you.

My God, that's funny.

I forgot how funny you are.

Where is that waiter?

Why? You like waiters?

I can be a waiter.

I'm going to be the greatest waiter on this earth, and then you'll love me.

Number two, they want to kill you.

Like when I had lunch with Wendy.

I'm glad we could finally do this.

You know, after the ninth time you rescheduled on me, I almost gave up on

you. But you didn't. You just kept on trying.

By the way, there's something I've been meaning to give you.

Gun. She's got a gun!

It's a tie.

Number three, they actually do want to give you your stuff back. Like when I

had lunch with Kurt.

By the way, there's something I've been meaning to give you.

My snub-nosed 38 police special.

I knew I left that somewhere.

Every time I watch the news, I'm like, oops, hope that wasn't my gun.

Breaking up was the right choice.

Or number four, to rub your face in how great they're doing.

You're like my lunch with Nicole Barsamian.

Who's Nicole Barsamian? My ex.

Hello, Nicole.

You look well, Marshall.

You look okay, I guess.

I'm seeing someone.

Already? Who?

Lee Roberts.

He reads at a fifth grade level.

You have to cancel the lunch.

I would definitely do that. Definitely.

Except I already had it.

Robin, I'm going to need to borrow the butt of your gun.

I actually lost it again. Can you believe that?

How could you break bread with that woman? It was just lunch. And you know

she doesn't eat wheat.

We had a great time catching up. We even laughed about what jerks we were back

then.

I can't believe I had a beret for each day of the week. I can't believe I had

an iron-on image of Moliere on my backpack.

Man, we were pretentious.

So pretentious.

What can I get you?

Hi, um... I don't want to cause a scene, but your wine list has a Chateauneuf-du

-Pape listed under your Cote de Provence.

You might want to alert your sommelier.

And for you.

I hate to go off-menu, but can we have some bruschette with fresh mozzarella?

Grazie.

It was great.

It was great. I mean, there was one weird moment towards the end.

I mean, how do you say goodbye in those situations? A kiss on the cheek is too

familiar, a handshake is too formal. And a hug is just like a public dry hump.

I think you're hugging wrong.

So what happened?

Well, Schopenhauer made a saucy little argument in which he posited...

Ted, honey, I want you to go outside and bite the curb. I'll be out in a minute.

Hey, Karen was the first girl I ever loved, okay? And after the year I've

had, I don't know, I guess having lunch with her just reminded me of what it was

like to be 18 and how my whole life figured out.

And I would like to remind everyone that at least I was wearing pants, Marsha.

just go changing the subject like that?

Oh yeah, the pants story. Pants story, bon maillé. Pants story, bon maillé.

There's no story. I had a little situation, so I called Lily. And just

refresh us, what was that situation?

I forgot my pants.

What do you mean you forgot your pants?

I forgot them. Now I need you to bring me some. What about your spare pants?

Last Thursday, the mustard incident?

Geez, woman, you have the memory of a goldfish.

No, Ted, you are not getting off that easy.

Marshall's pants story, while amusing... Amusing? Try very amusing.

...is nothing compared to this Karen madness.

Finish your story.

What? That's it. It was just one kiss in the restaurant.

Why did you say in the restaurant?

Did you kiss somewhere else?

Like where?

In a tree?

No, Lily, we did not make out in a tree.

What's with this one?

Oh, Ted, what did you do?

Oh, Ted, how could you?

Ted, Marshall forgot to bring his pants to work today, and you're still the

stupidest person at this table.

Okay, Lily, let's be honest.

We both know your real motivation here. You hate Karen because she lingered. You

son of a bitch.

What do you mean she lingered?

February 5th, 1998,

I was painting.

Oh, sorry.

I... Sorry.

I... You know, that color palette

is a bit derivative of early Van Gogh, don't you think?

Cheat on Ted, criticize my painting, whatever, that's your business. But I

catch you.

peeping on my man's junk, and you linger?

You guts to get got.

The game is the game.

In Karen's defense, I had just worked out.

Why'd you have to paint Marshall nude anyway?

Because he ate my bowl of fruit.

Look, the point is, Karen is a dirty lingerer, and you cannot bring her back

into our lives. Relax! It was just that one night.

And the next three after that. And one morning. But at least I had pants on,

Marshall. Although, actually, I didn't.

Wait, this happened in our apartment?

Mm-hmm. Where was I?

You know those sleeping pills you're taking to keep on your crazy new

schedule? I think they're stronger than you realize.

LaFontaine gets the puck to Terjean.

Terjean shoots.

Cliff saves.

Hey, Ted.

Hey, Lily.

Don't worry, I won't tell Marshall.

I'm gonna grab a beer. You want one?

Beer.

I'll start decanting the board after you.

Ted,

sure, it's fun to look back at a time when you were a fresh-faced farm girl

with a virgin's glow.

that stuff. Ohio, Karen College, all that was BS before Stinson.

Now your life is awesome. I mean, yeah, you still live with your ex-girlfriend,

which is ridiculous.

Your laser tag chops are almost non-existent. And your wardrobe, it's

like, what, are you allergic to quality fabrics?

Seriously, Ted, shape up.

What were we talking about?

So what's next with this bra?

Oh, please. The story's already written.

Ted is Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, and Karen's Lucy, who pulls it

away at the last second and has sex with it. Ew!

You guys know what I mean. Ted's gonna fall in love, and then Karen's gonna

cheat on him with some meathead who's like, Sorry, bro.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. You must have left the right answer in your pants,

Marshall, because that's exactly what didn't happen.

Because here's what happened.

One afternoon, we were at Karen's place.

Karen?

Oh, my God.

How could you?

Sorry, bro.

So this time, the meathead Karen was cheating with... Was me.

Ted. Me.

Ted. Remember that time Marshall forgot his pants?

Damn it, Ted!

You quit trying to change the subject. You crossed the line. You are complicit

in breaking some poor guy's heart, and you... You of all people know exactly

how that feels.

You really don't want to tell the pants story, do you? What?

Pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants,

pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. Fine!

Okay, so Lily came down to the office to bring me my pants. And why did she have

to do that? Because I forgot my pants.

Lily, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm here to give Marshall something.

Ah, here to give him something.

Gotcha. Nice.

Yeah, but I'm in a hurry. Can I just give it to you?

Sure. Okay.

And then you'll give it to him?

Hey, oh, hey, I don't know about all that.

I mean, yours would have to be really good.

What are you talking about? What are you talking about?

Marshall forgot his pants, so I'm bringing him a new pair.

Huh. Marshall forgot his pants. Well, it's a good thing that you came by,

because he has a really important meeting today, and it would be pretty

embarrassing and not at all funny if he were to show up not wearing pants.

So I'll make sure he gets these. Great. Thanks, Bernie.

And you didn't give him his pants.

Theodore Evelyn Mosby.

Of course I gave him his pants. I gave Lily my word. My word is oak.

Though I did make some alterations.

Now, as you'll see on page 44 of the contract... Hey, Erickson, when did you

join ACDC?

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Now, can we please just turn to page 44 of the contract?

Hey, Erickson.

I think the Oliver Twist auditions are down the hall.

Hey, Erickson.

Please, sir, may I have some more pants?

More pants.

That's it? That's the whole story?

So what happened with Karen? No, I'll finish it for you. Ted left without

saying anything, and Karen got exactly what she wanted.

Mm-mm.

Not this time.

So you have a boyfriend?

We've been drifting apart for a long time. I've been meaning to break up with

him. God, Karen, you are unbelievable.

You don't have the guts to break up with someone like a decent human being, so

instead you pull this crap.

Okay, you're right.

I'm great with books.

I'm great with art.

I'm great with identifying French wines from within a mile of where the grapes

are grown, but... I'm really bad when it comes to looking someone in the eye and

telling them the truth about how I feel.

Well, we're both bad at that, but... I think we both need to change, so why

don't I go first?

Karen, you're a really hurtful and reckless person, and I never want to see

you or speak to you again.

Arbor. Ted, wait.

Actually, arbor means until we see each other again.

So I'm assuming that you mean we will, in fact, see each other again?

Sorry, bro.

I'm impressed with you.

You too, Marshall.

Have you been wearing those all day?

They show off my calves.

Pants storytelling again.

You know, maybe it was good you called Karen.

It definitely was.

And not just for me, but for her too. Later that night, she sat down with

Jerry and she had the breakup talk she always avoided with me.

So you see, kids, sometimes when you have to have a tough conversation, the

best thing to do... Wait a second. Wait a second.

You said you were never going to talk to Karen again, right?

Yeah.

Then how do you know she took your advice?

Oh,

right.

Well, about that, after she broke up with that dude, she called me, we went

out, we hooked up, and we've been dating ever since. We're really seeing eye to

eye, and this time, I don't know, it just feels different somehow. Here she

comes now. Be cool.

Hey!