Original subtitles

Kids, in our sophomore year of college, when Aunt Lily came back from spring

break, Uncle Marshall surprised her at the airport.

And she surprised him with a six-pack of locally brewed beer.

Fort Loggerdale, get it?

And with that, a ritual was born.

For the next 11 years, whenever either of them would fly anywhere... Minna

Cider, get it?

The reunion was always commemorated with a chauffeur sign and a six-pack from

wherever they'd been.

Aspen Yard Sale, get it?

Actually, no. Me neither. I was hoping you would.

But then one night in January of 2009, the unthinkable happened.

I'm not picking her up.

What?

Billy doesn't want me taking a cab all the way to the airport just to take a

cab all the way back, you know?

But the six-pack thing.

Ted, that stuff was fun when we were younger, but we've grown past that. As

we mature, the relationship matures with us.

Wait, you guys are such an inspiration to the rest of us, how you're so devoted

and connected.

I look at you guys, and that's all I want in the whole world.

Dad, there's two college girls outside, and they look easy.

So, Arizona.

You know, I've always wanted to see what an Arizona driver's license looks like.

I already ran that play, brother. 21, we're good. Thank God.

So, what brings you guys to town?

Our band's got a gig.

Oh, you're in a band. Hey, maybe we can come see you play. Excuse us for a sec.

Ted, what the hell is the matter with you? We're not going to go see them

play. Why not?

If we see them play, we're no better than the bleach blonde bimbos who flash

their boobs at a Van Halen concert.

Yeah, but don't those girls get to have sex with Van Halen after the show? If

you want to have sex with Van Halen, do it on your own time, Ted.

We are not the maybe-we-can-come-see-you-play guys.

We're the other guys, the older guys who never showed up and whose approval they

now crave.

So we're their dads?

Exactly.

Okay.

It's a big meeting, so I don't think we're going to make it. Maybe next time,

kiddos.

But if you guys want to meet up after your show, maybe we could exchange

numbers. Excuse us for a minute.

Fred, have you gone completely insane?

We don't want their phone numbers.

Yeah, I don't know what I was doing. I guess I panicked out there.

When you exchange numbers with a chick, you give them the ability to call and

cancel. If you set a date without a number, they have to show up. Check and

mate.

The only digits I need are these.

Honka.

Are you still there, Dad?

So why don't we just meet here tomorrow night around 10? I think it's supposed

to snow.

What do we do if there's a blizzard?

Either way, we'll be here.

It's no problem.

Excuse us just one last second.

What is the problem now?

Nice one.

All right, we'll see you tomorrow night. Totally. Awesome.

Totally. Awesome.

Man, these college chicks sound stupid.

Totally. Awesome. So here's the thing. Tomorrow night, dress to move.

It's going to be a mess.

I still think we should have gotten their numbers.

You always assume something is going to go wrong. Ted, I promise you, nothing is

going to go wrong.

Hey, it's starting to snow.

Kids, the blizzard of 09 was a monster. It snowed for three days straight, which

led to three amazing stories.

I'll start with me and Barney. It's pretty nasty out there. I don't think

they're coming. Of course they're coming. They have to. If I can land just

one of these girls, I'll have party school bingo.

Come on, Ted. You're the only one here. Oh, sorry.

What's party school bingo?

Every year, Playboy releases a list of the top party schools in the country. I

take the top 25, and I make up a bingo card.

All I need is Arizona Tech, which is crazy, and league play that would

normally be designated a free space.

So, uh, how many people are in on this party school bingo thing?

Oh, it's just me.

So what's the point, then?

The point is to get five in a row.

And what do you get when you get five in a row?

I get bingo.

Thanks for coming by.

I monkeyed around with a thermostat for about an hour before I realized it was

the intercom.

Yeah, I heard you swearing downstairs.

Hey, so Lily's flight's coming in tonight. You really not going to go pick

her up?

Robin. Robin.

Like I said, as we mature, our relationship matures with us.

Yeah, well, if I know your wife, she's going to get you that six-pack anyway.

Marshall?

Marshall?

You just out a most exquisite Seattle microbrew. And speaking of six

-packs.

What are you doing? I'm going to the airport.

How could I be so stupid? Of course she's bringing me a six-pack. But this

time, I didn't bring him a six-pack.

Because as we mature... The relationship matures with us.

Well, he sounds like a nice young man.

I'll bet he surprises you and picks you up anyway.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where's my beer?

We said we weren't gonna.

I have beer.

Wow, a six-pack and you're an appropriate height for me.

Let's go, new Lily.

I gotta get some beer.

Folks, this is your captain speaking.

Looks like we're going to be arriving an hour early. Yes!

Woo-hoo!

Drink up, boys. I'm closing the bar.

Whoa, no!

It's only 9 o'clock.

And this place is raging, yo.

Guys, I'm really sorry, but I gotta go set up cots in the church basement. It

doubles as a shelter on snowy nights like this. You selfish bastard.

There are two very hot girls coming here to meet us.

Can't you just leave the place open a little while longer? We'll keep an eye

on everything.

You two? No way. You wouldn't know the first thing about running a bar.

Serve the hotties first?

Here's the keys.

Here's the keys.

As soon as your girls show up, you turn off the lights and you lock up. And I

don't want to come back here and find this place trashed. Wow, seriously?

I could trust you guys. To understand what it meant to us to get the keys to

McLaren's, I have to take you back a few years.

So the night that I uttered five little words that every man at some point in

his life will say.

We should buy a bar. Of course we should buy a bar. We should totally buy a bar.

Totally buy a bar. Our bar would be awesome.

And dude, dude, dude,

dude.

The name of our bar, Puzzles.

People will be like, why is it called Puzzles?

That's the puzzle.

That is a great name for a bar!

And also, at Puzzles, no last call.

No last call! Only when every single person is finished having the greatest

night of his or her life do we stack the chairs on the table and power down the

three-story margarita waterfall.

We should buy a bar. We should buy a bar.

And like the other ill-advised five-word sentences every man eventually says in

his life, I can jump that far.

I'm gonna win her back.

I can trust you guys.

We would come to regret it. We just didn't know it yet.

You have it? Awesome. I'll be right there.

Brigitte! Hello.

I'm Rachel Sondheimer.

Wait a minute, Lily. If you are getting off the plane, where is Marshall?

And where is your six-pack? That's the problem. I have to get to Bruniverse and

East Meadow in an hour.

To the tanker. Oh, Marky.

Triple sec.

Coming right up, tapminder.

Ho, ho, ho, hey, hey.

We'll get one.

Order up. Order up.

We'll get one.

Oh, thank God you're still here. I don't know if you guys have ever seen Star

Wars, but it's like hot out there.

Dibs. It reminds me of when I used to go sledding with my dad.

Before he left.

And dibs.

So, uh, can we warm you up with a drink? Sure.

Oh, uh, by the way, I invited the rest of the band to come and meet us. We were

hoping to get drunk. I mean, really drunk, like my dad used to.

Dibsity, dibsity, dibsity.

Well, I guess we could keep the place open a little bit longer. As long as

it's just you and the band.

Um, Melissa, what kind of band is this?

Oh, we're the Arizona Tech Fighting Hens Marching Band.

And then your Uncle Barney and I had one of our telepathic conversations.

Dude, Carl's gonna kill us if we don't take everyone out of here right now.

Barney, I'm serious.

We promised we wouldn't mess the place up.

All right, I guess you have a point.

The bar is open!

I still say this is stupid.

What happened to, as we mature, the relationship matures with us? That's

just something Lily read in Psychology Today.

All right, she read it in Cosmo.

All right, I read it in Cosmo.

All right, it was Cosmo Girl. Just drive, okay?

I just don't get why it's such a big deal that one little ritual goes by the

wayside. It's not just this, okay? It's all of our little rituals.

Do you know what we used to do every day the second I got home? Man, I don't want

to hear about your crazy monkey sex.

We would tell each other what we had to eat that day.

Two eggs, a slice of cheese pizza, and some steamed veggies.

Everything bagel, chicken breast, some celery sticks, and a spoon of peanut

butter. Crazy monkey sex?

Crazy monkey sex.

Oh, Lily.

TMI. Too many informations.

You know what else I miss?

Our lunchtime phone call.

Hey, baby, it's lunchtime, and I love you.

I reciprocate in principle, although with the caveat that there seems to be a

bit of a surplus here on my end.

No, I love you more.

Do we need to get in a room together and bang this thing out?

Those sound like agreeable terms, although I may need to adjust my briefs.

Love you, too.

But today, when she called, I let it go to voicemail.

Voicemail! How could you?

The thing I miss most is kissing at midnight on New Year's Eve. It was a New

Year's tradition.

But you know what we did this year?

Crazy monkey sex? No.

Okay, all these cute, adorable little rituals, they're stupid.

Telling each other what you had to eat, you're like children playing house.

Well, maybe you just think they're stupid because you've never been in a

relationship long enough to develop them. What?

You don't understand love, okay? You're like some robot who sees a person crying

and says, why is that human being?

Is that right?

Well then, robot initiating, pull over to the side of the road until jackass

apologizes to me sequence.

Beep boop beep boop beep boop beep boop boop.

My robot was like a million times better.

Hey, just so you know, the trough in the bathroom is overflowing.

There's no trough in the bathroom?

You just came out of the kitchen.

Ted, what's in a gin and tonic?

What's in a gin and tonic?

Okay, running a bar sucks. Let's just close up. No, no, there's no last call.

Puzzles go for Barney. Good, you're still there. I'll be there in five.

Last call!

Robin, there's a snowplow coming. We have to get back on the road. You think

the only way to be in love is to have pet names, or leave each other stupid

little notes, or go charging off into a blizzard for no good reason? Seriously,

do you understand what's going to happen if that plow comes by? You know what you

are? You're a love snob.

There's lots of ways to be in a relationship, and you would know that if

you ever left your little love snob country club. We're going to get buried

by snow. That's going to happen. No, screw this.

We're not going to sit here and be insulted.

We're not going to the airport. We're going home.

What just happened?

Hey, hey, hi.

Called earlier about the Seattle microbrew. Oh, yeah, good thing you

called when you did. I was getting ready to close up.

Storm of the century out there.

Of course, it's only 09, so storm of the century might be a little bit premature.

Let's say storm of the year, although it is only January. Oh, we're kind of in a

hurry, so we'll take the beer now.

You are a cute couple. Thank you. We're not a couple.

Thank God. That would be weird.

Well, here she is, Super Sonic Thomas.

No, this is a keg. I need a six-pack.

Cake's all I got. I will take the cake.

What? Oh, no. Last time I had one of these in the car, I wound up chipping

dried vomit off the seat with a putty knife. I'm sorry, Ranjeet, but this is a

ritual, and I am bringing him this beer.

If you could just put it in the car.

I'll give you 50 bucks.

To the town car.

Robin, I'm sorry.

You're not a robot.

I mean, if you are, you're like an incredibly advanced model and the human

race doesn't stand a chance.

You just don't choose to show your love through corny rituals, and that's fine.

But maybe the reason Lily and I do is because we always have and we don't know

any other way.

One thing I do know is that if she's there sitting at the airport alone, I

have to go get her.

Those are the rules.

Marshall, close your eyes.

I don't know how you heard any of that as me hitting on you, but... Just do it.

Now let's go get your woman.

All right, come on.

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

I've always wanted to say that.

I mean, in a bar. I say it all the time at home.

Dude, someday we should buy a bar, and when we do, we are never gonna have last

call.

Come on, Barney.

We said no last call.

We gotta mean it.

Well, what are we supposed to do? Carl's gonna be here any minute.

Only one thing we can do.

Dude, running a bar is a pain in the ass.

We should just stick with what we know. Uh-huh.

We should start a band.

Of course we should start a band. How have we not started a band yet?

Kids, sometimes in life, the planets align, everything links up, and your

timing is perfect.

Marshall? Lily?

Marshall?

Lily?

This wasn't one of those times.

Where is she?

Seattle.

What? Her flight's canceled. It never took off.

No, no. She would have called me and...

Hey, baby, it's me.

My flight's been canceled because of some snowstorm, and they couldn't rebook

me till Thursday.

So I'm stuck here for another two days.

But... It's lunchtime, and I love you.

Like I said, this was a three-day storm.

Tuesday. I still say this is stupid.

Wednesday.

And Thursday.

So on Tuesday, when Marshall heard that message... She's not coming in until

Thursday. I mean, we came all the way down here. She's not coming in until

Thursday. It feels so stupid.

Look, let's not tell Lily about any of this, okay?

Especially the part about you hitting on me.

I didn't hit on you.

Exactly.

Then on Wednesday... Oh, man, I can't believe you drove all the way out there.

Now you're just gonna turn around and drive all the way out there again

tomorrow. Yeah, no, um, this whole thing was a sign. You know, it's time to put

that old ritual to bed. I'm not gonna pick her up.

Robin really hit on you?

Dude, it was weird.

Bros, this party is awesome!

You are true friends of the fighting hens. If you ever need anything, don't

hesitate to ask.

Is the flute section seeing anyone?

Wait, you're really not going to pick her up?

Yeah, really. So the New Year's kiss, the lunchtime phone calls, the whole

this is what I ate today thing, you're really letting it all go?

I really am.

Which brings us to Thursday.

A muffin, a pastrami sandwich, and a bag of chips.

And I know it's way past lunchtime, but I love you.

It's more and more each day. I love you, Lily.

Happy New Year.

Um, wait, does this mean that I have to bring a marching band to the airport

from now on? Absolutely, it does. Oh, crap.

Puzzles. That is a great band name.

Hey, have you seen Amanda?

Bingo!