Original subtitles

Why do we fight?

What is that thing deep within each of us that compels us to settle

disagreements with our fists?

Whatever it is, it's there right from the beginning.

Okay, okay, okay.

Stop fighting.

Why?

Because it's stupid and juvenile.

We're six.

We are stupid and juvenile.

Kids, I've only been in one fight in my life, and this is the story of how it

happened. Now, as you know, I had recently been left at the altar.

And the worst thing about getting left at the altar, I mean aside from actually

getting left at the altar, was what came next.

A steady, unrelenting, unbearable stream of pity.

Cranberry gin and tonic.

Scotch and soda.

Thank you.

Can I see a menu?

Ted, I'm going to go get you a menu.

I promise you.

I will come back.

Okay, we have to start going someplace else.

This bar, I'm always going to be the guy who got left at the altar. It sucks.

Good times.

Uh-oh, we lost Barney. What do you mean?

There's a girl over there in a tight red sweater, so he's not listening to a word

anyone's saying. Right, Barney? Give me a break.

See, he figured out a while back he could fake an entire conversation just

by saying titles of black sitcoms from the 70s and 80s.

What's happening?

Hey, Barney, wanna go upstairs and do stuff to me that I won't even let

Marshall do?

Huh, different strokes.

What the hell is this?

I've told you kids about Doug, right?

I haven't? Oh, well, Doug Martin was a bartender at McLaren's. He was always

kind of around.

Have you met Ted? No, no, no, we're not playing have you met Ted. Am I dead?

Am I dead?

Tonight, I pick up a lesbian.

Anyway, three things you need to know about Doug.

The first thing is that Doug had a bit of a violent streak. He just crumbles,

so he's on the ground, right? And we're just kicking him, just putting the boots

to him, and he's making that face all shaken.

So anyway, what we did was we left him there.

Pop you off?

The second thing is that he was weird about his hair.

What?

What?

You looking at my hair?

Uh,

no, sir. I was not.

It's a toupee.

Is that funny? You want to laugh it up? Is it funny, guy?

I'll tell you what. Why don't you grab it?

Go ahead. Grab it. Grab it right off my head. Go ahead.

You don't want to grab it?

Come on.

Go ahead and grab it. Grab it off my head. Grab my toupee right off my head.

But the third thing is that he was very loyal to his regulars. Hey, hey, there

they are.

Hey, you guys want your booth? Oh, no.

No, this is fine over here.

Maybe a little too loyal. Oh, no, it's fine, it's fine.

Okay, you two lovebirds, let's take this somewhere else. It's reserved.

Let's go now, come on.

Use your muscle, father. Up you get. Okay, guys, here we are.

So that's Doug.

What the hell is this?

Oh, um, well, some guys are sitting in our booth. But you know what? This is

fine.

Let's go. I'll take care of it. Okay.

Oh, boy. There he goes.

Ladies,

if you'll please adjourn to your usual booth. Gentlemen, I will require your

assistance outside.

Our assistance with what? We're going to go out in the alley and fight those

guys.

What's happening now?

I'm sorry, did you just say that we were going to... Those guys are being

inconsiderate, okay?

So we're going to go outside and cave in their skulls, okay? This will be fun.

He wants us to fight? Like, with our hands and stuff?

And feet, maybe? I don't know what the rules are.

Wow, a fight. Should we go out there? Come on, Ted.

There's only three things you'll ever see me fight. The stubborn clasp of a

bra, sexual harassment charges, nine for nine.

And the urge to vomit when I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit.

Marshall. Dude, fighting is for losers. We're civilized guys. Civilized guys

don't fight.

Unless it's with lightsabers, but that's like three to five years away, so.

Well, that's not true.

Robin, I'm on the forums every day. Three to five Thanksgivings from now,

I'm going to be carving the turkey with old green.

No, I'm saying there are plenty of legitimate reasons to get in a fight. It

might not be pretty, but in certain situations, you gotta do what you gotta

do. I forgot. She thinks fighting's sexy.

No, I do not a lot.

Look, I come from a culture of hockey players. If a guy can throw down, it's

somewhat way hot.

And scars?

Hello. If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin.

And if he's missing teeth, I'm missing my pants.

I'm missing my wisdom teeth, outpatient procedure, local anesthesia, whatever.

It ain't a thing.

Look, maybe we should go out there. I can't believe we're even having this

discussion. Ted, you're 30. You're too old to act like this. I was 30, and in

those 30 years, I've been punched once.

There's a very simple explanation.

There was that thing at camp. Today, we're going to braid friendship

bracelets.

In college, I studied some kung fu.

And, well, there was some other stuff.

The thing with the goat wasn't for another few months.

The point is, I had never been in a fight.

I'm going out there.

Listen to me. Please trust me. I've been in plenty of fights. It's really nothing

to be proud of.

Who did you get in a fight with?

The brothers.

Yes, I'm sure that was quite a rumble in the Erickson rumpus room.

I love brotherly horseplay. Here comes the tickle monster.

Boogie patrol.

Wait, wait, wait, timesies, timesies.

Cocoa break.

Cocoa break.

Okay, it's clobbering time.

Ted, don't do this. You're a nice guy. That's your best quality.

Is it?

Because I seem to remember this nice guy getting dumped by his fiancée for a

taekwondo instructor.

Look, this may sound crazy, but I think I need to do this. I think this is an

experience I need to have.

I'm going.

Me too.

Guys, take a good look at this face.

Because the next time you see it, it will be disfigured in the hottest

possible way.

Because that's who I am.

I'm a man.

I like to fight, mix it up, and get all dirty.

Did you find a wood hanger for this?

Whoa, what happened here? I know, right?

Who's not looking at my toupee now, huh?

What did we do to these guys?

We? Yeah, we.

Come on, man, we're a good team.

Nice work, boys. We did it.

No, no, no. You did it. We didn't do anything.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, sure. I just beat up three guys by myself.

You and you.

Free drinks for life.

He thinks we were in this fight with him.

We were in this fight with him.

And now we are going to go in there and tell everyone the legendary tale of how

we beat up some guys.

And everyone is going to think it's great, and everyone is going to sleep

with me again. Dude, come on. No one is going to believe we were in a fight.

Look at us.

Oh, that's okay.

Ow!

What are you doing? What I should have done a long time ago.

What? I don't know. I just hit myself in the eye. I don't even know what I'm

saying.

Throw an awesome right hook, by the way.

Okay, you ready?

To go back in? No, for this.

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Fuck! You just punched me in the nose!

Are you crying?

Yes, I'm crying.

You just punched me in the nose.

Oh, that's gonna swell up real good. You're gonna look like Owen Wilson.

Okay, let's get back in there. Okay, but just, let's just play this down, okay? I

don't, I don't want this to turn into a big thing. Yeah.

If that comes up to you, you are.

It's in the mouth.

Hey, stop.

Hey, there they are! The guys that got my back!

You two got in a fight.

Really? Uh, no. Barney punched me and himself in the face to make it look like

we got in a fight. Come on, Marshall!

Wow. Look at your eye.

I look like a badass.

Surprised to see you had it in me. You.

Had it in you.

Do you... want to touch it?

Oh, my God, it's warm.

Hey, victory drinks, huh?

Free, free, free, free, $7.50.

Why do I have to pay? Because you don't got my back.

You guys got my back, okay. You know what, Doug?

I will gladly pay, and you know why? Because that's what grown-ups do. They

pay for their drinks, and they don't get into fights. You know what I was doing

while you guys were out there being immature?

I'll tell you what I was doing. Your nails?

No, I was doing... The relationship quiz in this month's Cosmo?

No, I was doing... Your best not to cry when Big came back for Carrie at the end

of the Sex and the City movie? No.

Spoilers much?

No. I'll tell you what I was doing. The captain of the football team because he

gave you his promise ring and you look so pretty in your open back home...

Sorry. I hate those guys.

Acting like they're the manliest guys in the universe, like the Crocodile Dundee

and David Hasselhoff.

Those are the manliest guys in the universe? I don't understand why they're

getting all this attention.

I mean, I'm the real hero here.

Yeah, you are.

I'm serious, woman. Put it back in your pants.

Marshall. You're the man every boy should grow up to become, and every girl

should marry.

You know what?

I have two kids in my class who won't stop fighting. If you come to school

tomorrow and tell them your story of choosing the path of non-violence, it

might really set them straight.

And save me having to get up early to make a lesson plan.

All right.

Okay. I'll set them straight.

You're the worst!

What? No.

Mahatma Panda and Martin Luther Koala are telling you kids this story to

illustrate... To illustrate that you're a wuss?

Why didn't you just fight those guys?

Were you scared?

What?

No, I wasn't scared.

I've been in plenty of fights, okay? You're huge.

You must weigh like a thousand pounds.

Okay, first of all, I'm wearing a baggy sweater and it has horizontal stripes.

and i also i had a salty lunch and so i'm retaining you know what shut up wow

so

you just beat those guys up just oh amanda

where it's so simple you see Hand-to-hand combat is about so much

more than just administering brute force on your opponent, right, B? You know...

It's a science.

A sweet science, as it were.

Wait, I'm confused.

What did those guys do to deserve it?

Well, this may sound petty, but they sat in our booth. They sat in our booth.

And nobody... Nobody sits in our booth.

It's insane.

Uh-oh. Are you gonna beat those guys up?

Um.

Um.

Yes, we are gonna beat those guys up, Ted. Come on.

You two.

Our booth.

Get out. Now.

What are you doing?

Relax. We got Doug. Doug's not here tonight.

Can I get you guys anything?

Drinks? Cash? Those two girls over there?

Are you Ted Mosby?

Um. Uh, yeah, I am. And you're Barney Stinson?

They've heard of us.

It's cool, guys.

We'll, uh, let you leave with your asses unkicked.

This time.

Aye.

So, what's this?

You've been served.

You're being sued for assault.

Enjoy your booth.

Whew. That was close.

They're suing us for assault.

Okay, well, what's the penalty for assault?

Oh, do I have to pay a fine? Do I have to pick up trash on the highway? Because

I've done that before, you know what I mean?

I don't know.

Actually, he did know that the worst we were looking at was a small civil

settlement and probably no criminal charges.

But he was really pissed at us. I mean, you guys could be looking at some

serious prison time.

Prison? I can't go to prison.

I mean, I could get a lot of reading done.

Finally write some short stories.

Work out.

all the time. Seriously, if I don't come out of there completely ripped... Ted,

we can't go to prison.

People get shivved in the joint.

Plus, the meals are really starchy.

Well, you guys should have thought of that before you beat up those guys.

What if we didn't?

Didn't what, Ted? Didn't beat up those guys. What if Doug beat up those guys

all by himself? We didn't do anything.

I knew it!

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

You guys didn't throw a single punch. Well, I hit Ted and myself, so... Well,

who's the wuss now?

Answer, you guys.

Look, can you just help us get out of this? You know the old expression, if

you're not prepared to do the time, don't pretend to do the crime and laugh

and get free drinks and not stand up for your friend, who incidentally has been

in plenty of fights with his brothers.

Look, you gotta help us out, Marshall.

We're the Three Musketeers.

If I give up Ted, how much time am I looking at?

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, Barney.

I've been looking for you.

I got tickets to this hockey game tonight. It's stupid.

You want to go?

It might go kind of late, so maybe after the game we can grab a drink. Oh, hey,

Robin. Get this. You know that fight?

These guys fake the whole thing.

Tonight is no good.

I can't go to the hockey game tonight. I got that, uh... That, uh...

That, uh... That, uh...

That, uh... That, uh...

Good news.

Talk to the guys.

What guys? The guys you didn't beat up.

They agreed to drop the lawsuit. Boom!

Lawyered. What? They agreed to drop it? Yeah. I just explained that you two are

wusses. We had a good laugh about that. A good long laugh, actually. I explained

how you get a mani-pedi once a month.

Weekly, Wolverine. Some of us care.

And how you played the hammered dulcimer in the Pre-Reformation Dance Society at

Wesleyan. Did you at least tell them we were one of the premier medieval chamber

groups in the Little Ivies?

Oh, I did.

And we all agreed it was much more likely that one guy beat up the three of

them than that you two had anything to do with it, so... Wait, so... So now

they're only suing Doug.

Affirmative.

Angry, irrational, violent Doug who now knows we were the ones who threw him

under the bus.

They what?

Look, Doug, we can explain. Explain what?

Explain how you stabbed me in the back right to my face.

Robin, I'm scared. Yeah.

Is Doug seeing anyone?

Are you seeing anyone?

You really should.

Doug, look, you don't understand.

You beat up those guys all by yourself.

It's true, all right? They had nothing to do with it. I mean, look at these

two.

It was all fair!

Look at this guy.

Yeah, look at me. He wouldn't last five minutes in a fight.

Well, I think I could last at least five... He's got the muscle definition

of linguine.

Yeah. Linguine with meatballs, maybe. Check it. Come on. Ted.

Ted. Don't.

Okay, you know what? Maybe it was just me. Actually, you know what? That makes

a lot of sense. I tend to black out a lot.

Anyway, look.

I always got your back.

All I ask in return is you got mine.

But you know what?

You don't.

You can't be counted on.

No wonder your fiancé left you.

And here it is, kids. The only fight I've ever been in.

So what can I share about the experience?

Well, for starters, when you punch someone in the face, it hurts your hand.

A lot.

But what hurts even more than that?

This.

And the next thing I remember was waking up.

Okay, I'm all warmed up. Let's do this thing.

Turns out getting in a fight was a terrible idea.

And that's my story.

And what did you learn?

Well, I learned that fighting is bad and you shouldn't do it ever.

Any questions?

Yeah. Where do you find these people?

I know.

Is there a big sale at the wuss market?

Wuss, wuss, wuss. Of course I didn't tell those kids what really happened.

Okay, I'm all warmed up. Let's do this thing.

What happened?

This happened.

Holy crap.

Yeah, turns out Uncle Marshall and his brothers did a little more than just

roughhouse.

Marshall looks good. Has he lost weight?

Bitch, don't even.

Kids, I'd love to leave you with the message that fighting is bad and you

shouldn't do it. But I know that's pointless.

So I'll leave you with this.

Don't ever get in a fight with Uncle Marshall.

That guy's freaking crazy.

It is so good to be home.

Mom, Lily, fantastic job.

Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat, right?

Okay, here we go.

Gobble's on.

All right, so you guys pass the plates.

Lily, you want white or dark meat? Dark.