Original subtitles

Kids, in the fall of 2008, your Aunt Robin was unemployed and a little bit

adrift. So she valued her friendship with Lily more than ever. Hey, so I hear

Marshall has to work late on Friday.

You know what that means.

Ladies' night.

Oh, actually, one of the teachers at my school, Jillian, is having a birthday

party. Oh, okay.

What?

It's just, I've never even heard of this Jillian person before, and suddenly

she's like your best friend. You can't shut up about her.

Don't be jealous. You and I hang out all the time. Yeah, but Marshall's always

there. We don't get a lot of quality time to talk. Just the two of us. That's

not true.

So that's when the story gets really good.

So, we go to the, uh... place.

And then that guy asks about the thing with the stuff that I told you about at

that place that time.

Long story short, you've been...

Transfired. Oh my gosh.

You and the guy from the mayor's office did it in the UN building under the desk

of the ambassador from Zaire?

Nice.

I just wish we could have some girl time. I love Marshall, but he's always

talk-blocking me.

So come out with me and Jillian then.

Okay, but I don't want to stay out too late because... Remember that, um, thing

last month after I went to the place?

Well, you know who said it's fine, but she gave me some steps.

You still got that yeast infection, huh?

Marshall, I want you to enjoy this moment. What moment? The last moment of

you and I being even slightly in competition for the title of Ted's best

friend. Marshall's my best friend. Exactly. It's a tie.

But all of that is about to change. Ted, am I correct that you are an architect?

My best friend would really know that, but go on.

And what are you currently designing?

Actually, we're renovating the New York Public Library.

Wow, Ted, that's huge.

No, not the New York Public Library.

It's the new public library in York, North Dakota.

Their books are in two sections, fission and non-fission.

Then I think you are going to really like what happened at work today.

And so while those bribes did destabilize the regime and cause the

death of most of the royal family, it did lead to looser banking regulations

in Rangoon.

So yay us.

Okay, last order of business. It's been decided we're going to move forward with

plans for Goliath National Bank's new downtown headquarters.

Who's going to design it was my first question.

Who's going to design it? We've already approached one firm about it, this

Swedish architecture collective called Sven.

Sven?

Sven? Sven was this Swedish architecture collective revered for their bold,

innovative designs.

I hated those guys.

I hate those guys.

Swedish architecture collective.

Lame. Pretentious. We're not a company. We're a collective.

I know. We are Swedish.

We are so cool with our baguettes and our Eiffel Tower.

Dude, Sweden's not France. You know that, right?

Oh, it's France.

So anyway, I say to Bilson, Bilson, with all due respect.

No, I stand up and I say to Bilson, Bilson, with all due respect. Music.

Imagine patriotic music playing.

Bilson, with all due respect.

It would be terrible if a job that could go to a hardworking American

architecture firm went to a bunch of French guys.

Where is our patriotism?

Our sense of country? Our love of all that is... Stinson, no one hates every

other country in the world as much as I do. You better have a point. I do.

I know a fantastic American architect who would be perfect for the job.

Ted Mosby.

So, all you gotta do is come in, pitch your design, I get the board to approve

it, and the job is yours.

Do you realize what a hero I would be if I brought this project to my firm? And

that's not even the best part.

All three of us are going to be working together.

Ted can be on the conference call. He can totally be on the conference call.

What's a conference call? The way it works is one of us will duck into the

other's office and say, Marshall, the conference call is about to start.

Sorry, guys. I've got to go.

And then we go up to the roof of the building and drink beer.

This is awesome.

Drinking at work.

We're basically mad men.

We are.

We're such madmen. I'm going to go smack a secretary on the ass. That's totally

what they would do on that show.

What show?

And then we throw crumpled up beer cans at pigeons.

I don't do that. I totally want to do that.

Well, I am going to make that happen. Seriously, Barney, after everything I

went through with Stella, getting me this opportunity, it really means a lot.

It really did.

You see, kids, when I became an architect, I had one dream.

To contribute a building to the skyline of New York City.

I wanted to be able to point to one of those buildings and say, see that one?

That one right there?

That's mine.

This job is my opportunity to do just that.

Wow, your friend's having her birthday here? What's she turning, 19?

No, believe me, this isn't her scene.

She probably just didn't know what kind of place this was.

Lily! Over here, you sexy bitch! We've got bottle service!

Woo!

Oh, my God. Hey, at school, she's so quiet and normal. I had no idea she's...

She's a woo girl.

What's a woo girl? Let me explain.

A woo girl is a type of young woman who, like the cuckoo bird or the

whippoorwill, gets her name from the signature sound she makes.

Now, a woo can be elicited in many different ways.

From a certain song coming on the jukebox.

Oh my God, this song is totally about me!

To half-priced shots.

From a ride on a mechanical bull.

Do well. Pretty much anything.

Oh, my God. I was worried that I didn't feed the cat, but then I remembered that

I did.

I swear, at school, Jillian seems so un-wooey.

Yeah, she doesn't look woo-ish.

Maybe she only observes the high holidays, like Mardi Gras and Spring

Break. Maybe she's just a cultural woo.

Now, uh, go easy on me. It's a work in progress.

Ted, this is amazing.

The detail, the shading, the playfulness of the lines.

This is exactly what Princess Leia would look like topless.

My way of saying thanks.

So, uh, you want to see my designs for the building?

No, I'm good.

Hey, hey.

So get this.

Lily just texted me. She's at that bar, Giddyups, with a bunch of woo girls.

Oh, my God, you guys, my boob just fell out of my top at the bar.

Drake, I folded out for a free drink.

So,

Jillian, I hear when you're not flashing bartenders, you teach the second grade.

What's that like?

So rewarding.

I don't know if you're familiar with the ride technique, but it derives from the

progressive educational philosophy of Rudolf Steiner, who founded the Waldorf

School, which... Oh, my God, I love this song.

Come on, you lazy skanks, let's dance.

You too, you dumb whores.

Oh, thank you, you ignorant hussy.

Why, Lily Aldrin, you sly minx.

I've been saying for years that our gang needed a woo girl, and here you've been

hiding a whole batch of them from me.

We do not need a woo girl. No one needs a woo girl. Be careful, Lily.

The world absolutely needs woo girls. If there were no woo girls, there'd be no

Girls Gone Wild.

No bachelorette parties. No Las Vegas poolside bars.

All the things that you hold dearest, Lily, would be gone. Those are none of

the things... The souvenir shot glass industry would collapse.

So would the body glitter industry.

And the stretch hummer rental industry.

Tiny cowboy hats would be worn only by tiny cowboys.

And when brown-eyed girl would come up on the jukebox, all you would hear...

Would be silence.

And brown-eyed girl.

But who would woo, Lily? Who would woo?

Would you?

Would you?

Woo?

Who wants to name my booze?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with Hannity and Combs.

Over the next couple of weeks, I dove into work.

It felt great to be working on something that I really cared about.

Finally, the morning of the presentation arrived.

And we believe this timeless design will radiate the strength and stability that

is Goliath National Bank.

Thank you, gentlemen.

I left there feeling pretty good about my chances.

Later that night, we ran into Barney. Hey, Barney!

Give me the good news!

He didn't get it.

What? The board decided to go with Sven.

I

can't

believe I didn't get it.

I really thought I nailed the pitch.

Why would they go with Sven?

I did everything I could to change their minds. But they wouldn't budge.

I'm sorry.

this really sucks after the way these last couple of months have gone i guess

i needed this more than i thought i did hey you want to go

down to the current gnb building and just like i don't know just pee on it a

little bit yeah yeah i think i need that finish your

beer fill the tank

What happened?

Oh, Ted didn't get that job.

But that's not the biggest disappointment of the day.

What? We saw you woo.

Saw who woo? Saw you woo.

I didn't woo.

You did too.

That's not true. Your nose just grew.

So what, you're like best friends with Jillian now? No, it's just...

You're married, Lily, but I'm still single. Whenever I hang out with you,

I'm usually the third wheel to you and Marshall.

Sometimes it's fun to go out with other single women and do stuff that you don't

want to.

Like what?

Like woo, Lily.

Like woo.

I can woo. That's not true.

I can too. It's just not you.

Wilson. Yeah. Hey.

Look, I just want to say, I know you guys went with Sven, but...

Ted Mosby is tremendously talented, and I think he would have done a hell of a

job. I agree.

That's why I voted for him.

So then it's agreed. From now on, all ATM fees are now called freedom charges.

Conference call. Now.

You got something you want to tell me?

Damn it. I told Heather to put everything back on your desk the way it

was. Bilson told me he wanted to give the job to Ted, so what happened?

Okay, fine.

We'll radiate the strength and stability that is Goliath National Bank.

Thank you, gentlemen.

So?

That was great.

I love it.

Yes! Looks like we got our guy. I don't think we even need to meet with, uh...

I'm Sven Jorgensen.

With me are Sven Pilsen and Sven Johansen.

And we are Sven!

You are Goliath's National Bank.

You are cutting edge.

You are new.

You are fresh.

Women want to be with you. Men wish to harm you. But the fool who dares

challenge you shall be crushed!

Your headquarters will tell the world of these facts.

Oh, and one more thing. Don't look nice!

Which of you is Bonnie Stinson, head of the search committee?

That's me.

You, Bonnie Stinson, are a man of power and virility.

Your office shall be here, in the head of a Tyrannosaurus rex.

I never knew it till now, but I've always dreamed of that.

On your large desk of Honduran rosewood shall be this button.

What does the button do?

Press it! Press it for glory!

Yes!

This is the most awesome building in the universe.

There is no way this building could be more awesome.

There's a strip club in the letter N.

What the hell is the matter with you? This is Ted's big break, and then you

sold him out because you wanted to work in the brain of a Tyrannosaurus Rex,

which, incidentally, if you knew anything about dinosaurs, is really,

really small.

Marshall, this isn't about my office.

Ted's building was good.

Sven's was better. And I am not going to let the fact that I am Ted's best friend

be a factor in business.

You didn't pick Sven's building because it was better. You picked it because you

wanted to work in a cool dinosaur office. That's a lie.

I picked it because it... It... It breathes fire, Marshall.

Fire, Marshall.

I didn't even know that... How could you do this to Ted after everything he's

been through with Stella? You're just being selfish.

Marshall, I would never make a business decision for selfish reasons. I am a

professional. Now, come on.

Let's get a nice daytime drunk going and throw empties at pigeons. No.

No, for two reasons. One, pigeons are smarter than you think. They hold

grudges. And two, this is our last conference call, Mr. Stinson.

There are repercussions to screwing over a friend. Like what? Like this.

Oh, my God, you guys. Last night, we raised $10,000 for my charity to help

combat childhood illiteracy.

It's a really serious issue.

Whoa.

Someone just earned herself an ass-first ride down the dance floor. Spank Canyon!

Woo!

Woo!

Lily, what are you doing here?

Oh, just doing the fun things you single girls do.

What's with the classic fireman's hat?

Oh, I didn't have a cowboy hat, and today was fire safety day at school,

so... Oh, my God, bitch! This is our anthem!

Really? Who sings this?

Is LL Cool J still doing things?

This is great, Spence.

You guys are so much cooler than Marshall. He doesn't even own a unitard.

Who wants a proof?

I don't understand.

Where is the conference call?

No, no. This is the conference call. Get it?

In America, when we work late, we lie about a conference call, then we come up

here and we drink a few beers. It's awesome.

This is a waste of time.

Pool shops!

You probably have STDs.

Um, let's go dance.

Woo!

Lily, this isn't working. You shouldn't be here.

Oh, I get it because I'm happily married. I'm some kind of loser.

Exactly the opposite.

Lily, why do you think the woo girls have to woo when they win a game of beer

pong or when a hot guy takes his shirt off?

It's because that is as good as life gets for them. They're really sad

people. And when they hang out with someone who's got it all figured out,

someone like you, it bums them out. It takes away their will.

You're just saying that so I don't feel like an old married lady.

Look at those girls, Lily.

Look at them and listen to what their woos are really saying.

Poor girls. And Ted.

I just want to go give them all a hug.

Lily, right now, I'm like them.

I'm unemployed.

I'm single.

I'm a little lost.

So, every once in a while, I need to woo.

But when I need to talk about something real, you're the one I turn to.

You're my best friend.

And you're mine.

And I promise I'll make more time for just us.

Marshall doesn't have to tag along to everything we do.

Hey, have you guys tried these purple Hooter test tube shots? I've had like

five of them. I don't even think there's alcohol in here.

Where'd you get that hat?

What hat?

Hey, we fired Sven.

What? Yeah, those guys were idiots.

I mean, sure, they had some cool ideas.

Some really cool ideas. Actually, I wonder if it's not too late to... No!

The point is, you got the job.

Really? Yeah. The search committee realized they made the wrong decision.

Plus, you really mean a lot to them, and they want you to be happy.

That's weird.

Look, Ted, your design was the best, and you deserve it.

There's also something that you should know about why you didn't get the job in

the first place.

You see, Ted... It was Bilson.

Yeah, yeah.

Wilson just wanted to have an office and a dinosaur head.

But Barney convinced him that it was really, really stupid. Well, you know.

Thank you, Barney.

I can't believe this. I just got our friend the biggest account we've ever

had. Woo!

Hey,

next round's on me.

Why'd you let me off the hook?

You did the right thing.

You deserve to buy.

I just want to really bum Ted out, and he's really happy right now. Yeah.

Wow.

You really are Ted's best friend.

And so am I. It's a tie.

Thanks, Marsha.

Marsha wound up caving and telling me the truth about Barney like ten minutes

later, at which point we tied Uncle Barney to the mechanical bowl, cranked

it up to a setting called Paint Mixer, and went home.

I love you, man. Love you too, buddy.

Hey, you gonna ride the bull tonight?

No, not if you pay me. I have an inner ear thing.

It was a pretty great night.

Three hours.

That's a bar record.

That's right, ladies.

Jillian, you know what would be really crazy and funny and stupid to do

tonight? If you and me find a guy and have a three-way.

Maybe. We'll be found the right guy.

Yeah, and if we don't find the right guy, maybe you and I could just... You

know who's pretty cute?

That guy Ted.

Let's go find him.