Original subtitles

(LOW, SOMBRE MUSIC)

You lied to me, my whole life. Don't blame him.

I'll blame who I like! You're as bad as each other.

We did what we thought was best.

Oh, the best being to cover it up, in the hope that I'd never find out?

We didn't know you were gonna be famous.

Speak for yourself.

I mean, we didn't know the papers were gonna come digging.

And- and that's the reason why you're telling me now,

because- because you've been found out?

That's heroic.

Well, what could I do?

You stood there, while people said, 'Oh George, she's got your eyes,

she's got your smile, she's got your sense of humour.'

I wanted it to be true. I wanted to believe in unicorns!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(SNIFFLES)

I'm struggling to understand why you didn't tell me.

I thought that if you knew...

..I wasn't your...

..dad...

..that I would lose you.

Well, you've lost me anyway. You can see yourselves out.

# ..nothing left to feel

# You don't have to say you love me

# Just be close at hand

# You don't have to stay forever

# I will understand

# Believe me, believe me

# You don't have to say you love me

# Just be close at hand #

Right, pancake day. Let's get it on its feet.

OK, I'm on my feet.

Should we wait for Sophie?

She'll be along.

Excuse me, sir.

Please, can I ask you a bit of a stupid question?

Please, call me Dennis, and there are no stupid questions.

How do you get to make the furniture and people all small,

so you can squeeze us into the television?

I love Greta. (CHUCKLING)

She gets him every time. Ah. Yeah.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Actually, I still don't know how it works. (LAUGHS)

Soph. Morning Soph.Morning.

We need a pancake. Bill, please may we borrow your hat?

I'm not putting my titfer in that manky pan.(LAUGHTER)

We've gotta use something.

Oh, hang on.

Voila. Are they what I think they are?

Why have you got your knickers in your bag?

You never know when you'll need a clean pair. Do you, Soph?

Oh, you are joking.

See? My mum always said, 'Always carry a spare pair.

Always.' Did your mum say that?

My auntie.

'You could be caught in an earthquake,

you could be struck by lightning.'

Yeah, right, and just your pants fall off?

Well, stranger things have happened.

Have they though? (LAUGHTER)

Sophie, could you help me look at the next scene?

This brewed about an hour ago, it's strong as anything,

look at that.

I could be anybody.

If he's not me dad, am I even funny?

I don't know who I am. (CRYING)

Sorry.

Sorry. (LOW, SOMBRE MUSIC)

We don't have to do this today if you don't want to.

No, come on, Dennis.

We've got work to do.

Right, come on, lads, let's crack on. It's pancake day!

# Land of 1000 Dances #

So, here she is with her pan in one hand and an iron

in the other, and Barbara calls out—

Don't forget to toss it!

Right, but she tosses the iron...

..and she smashes Barbara's favourite lamp.

Barbara enters with a towel on her head, and she says —

Is everything alright?

Smashing.

Good enough for you?

Not bad. (MUSIC ENDS)

We weren't expecting you until this afternoon.

Ted's our comedy boss.

Oh, I see. Great casting.

'I'm very stern, I'm the boss of TV.'

In real life!

The head of light entertainment. Yes, this is Greta Walker.

Nice to meet you, Greta.

Nice to meet you also, Your Lordship.

Well, do carry on.

Um, I'm confused.

Which of them is meant to be the straight one?

There isn't a straight one.

I'm not entirely sure the public are going to wear that.

Two funny women?

Nothing has changed.

I now issue a call to arms. CROWD: Yes!

Just to clarify, arms in the air to vote, that is.

Not shooters, Susan. (LAUGHTER)

If you agree to strike action, raise them high!

(CHEERS)

Oh, hello. What's this?

It's a termination of employment notice.

I've been let go.

Gosh. I wasn't expecting that. (LAUGHS)

Oh dear.

Oh no.

(LOW, SOMBRE MUSIC)

Yeah, so, um...

.if management think that they can silence us by silencing

our union rep, then they can have another think.

On top of that think.

We will continue to fight, in the name of our fearless leader,

Miss— what is your first name?

Minky. Minky?

Blimey.

Right. In the name of our fearless leader, Miss Minky Sykes.

(APPLAUSE)

Women all over are speaking out,

so let's join together with them and march to Trafalgar Square.

(APPLAUSE)

Ta.

Oh, hello. What you doing here?

Actually, I was hoping to buy you a little snifter.

Give you a chance to tell your side of things.

My side of things about what?

Well, you know. About your background.

I'm Barbara Parker from Blackpool. Everyone knows I changed my name.

Yes, but they don't know your real, real name, do they?

Yet.

It's you.

Me and your mum had a lovely little chat.

You've absolutely no right to talk to my family.

It must have been hard, carrying that shame all these years.

So, yeah, shall we have a little drinkie? I'm gasping.

Most of the pubs on Fleet Street won't serve women.

Won't serve women, or won't serve you?

Why are you coming after me?

Well, the public have the right to know the truth about a big TV

star like you. You're meant to be the girl next door.

That's a lie.

Oh, suit yourself. You've got my number.

Give me a call.

I'd much rather hear the words from your mouth than have to...

fill in the blanks myself.

Hello, you. Hiya,

how was playtime with your funny friends?

It's different now Bill's back.

Yeah? Good different?

Sort of.

Working with Soph, I've- I've realised I can actually write

jokes without Bill.

You actually alright?

Tone? Uh?

Every time you ask me that, I think you're asking if you're alright.

Are you alright?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No.

I- I'm not, really.

I've just been thinking about the future again, and I'm feeling—

Sweaty? Anxious? Convinced you're having a heart attack?

What if this whole baby thing— Wait?

We're having a baby?

That's a good call-back.

No, what if it's...

..something that I just can't do?

Look, one day soon, right,

a baby's gonna come out of my vagina

and we're gonna do our very best, whatever that best may be.

And if it doesn't work...

..we'll try another best.

You are a diamond.

(GENTLE MUSIC)

Well, I'm not gonna argue with that.

Darling, how wonderful. What an unexpected pleasure.

Hi, Pea. Busy day at court?

Well, I spent the morning defending a little gangland shooting.

Why have you still got your robes on?

Oh, well I spent the afternoon having spine-tingling sex

with Charlie. He loves it when I wear my robes.

At least someone's having fun.

Oh.

Hello again. Hiya Charlie.You alright?

Oh. Crikey. Oop.

Listen, I know we shouldn't objectify the male form,

but yum, am I right?

Oh, that's cheered me up a bit actually.

Now, look, god knows I love an impromptu party,

but you lot look about as festive as a bunch of bad professional mourners

at an East End wake. What gives?

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Order! Order! Order!

Sit down. One pathetic bleat at a time, please.

Sophie.

Your friend, that bloody Lynda Jay, she's got a story on my parents,

and she says if I don't do an exclusive interview with her,

then she's going to make it up.

And if it comes out, then I'm ruined.

That hack Lynda Jay is no friend of mine.

Well, I can have this Lynda lady taken out if you like, Soph.

Oh, that is very sweet, Charlie, but I can't condone violence.

Although a judicious kneecapping can send quite a strong message.

(GASPS) No! No? No.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Crikey. So, I suggest we scoop her.

Like an ice cream?

Do the story before Lynda Jay does.

If only we knew a top-notch journalist.

Me? Yes!

Why are we just sitting around waiting for lairy Lynda

to drop a bomb on Sophie's life, when Diane could do an exclusive?

But what would we be saying?

We wouldn't be saying anything. You would.

Yeah, Diane could write it down, all brainy and then...Exactly.

But- but what if the story comes out and I still get the sack?

Well, that would be the risk either way.

But at least this way you'd be telling your truth,

your whole truth, and nothing but your truth.

Let's do it. (SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC)

Yes. Good.

My words, my way.

Oh goodie. (LAUGHTER)

(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)

So Sophie, do you wanna find your real father?

Find out who you are?

Maybe one day I'll go looking.

But, oh, I don't know, maybe...

Maybe my story is about the family I had,

and not the family I didn't have.

There's only one place to start.

(DIALLING) (LOW, SOMBRE MUSIC)

It was the war. Gloria and I were courting.

My regiment went off to fight.

The Americans flew in.

GIs looking like movie stars.

You know, overpaid, oversexed, and over here.

And he swept your mother off her feet.

I came back home to marry my sweetheart.

But she was pregnant?

Ah, soldier boy ditched her.

He had a wife back home.

The public shaming would've ruined her.

Love's funny though, isn't it?

It starts out like a fairy-tale.

And once upon a time...

..I loved her.

But, you know, she was always searching for something.

She left me anyway.

Sophie, when people read this, they might judge you.

They might be shocked, disgusted even.

So, why speak out?

I'm speaking out because—

Because there is a revolution going on.

Because we have to speak out. Hello. Hello.

This is Marjorie Harrison from shoes,

and if Sophie would effing well come on this equal pay march with us,

then people would have to sit up and listen.

Marjorie, stop disrupting!

No, Marj is right. There is a revolution going on.

And I won't live my life like my mother did,

hiding in the shadows in fear of being found out.

This story is mine, and no one is going to tell is but me.

# Edwin Starr: Headline News #

# Extra, extra, read all about it

# Extra, extra, read all about it

# I wanna spread news all around

# I found a love that I've been looking for

# Now I don't have to look no more

# And it's headline news

# Don't you head them say it

# Extra, extra, read all about it

# Extra, extra, read all about it

# Extra, extra, read all about it

# Extra, extra, read all about it...

Careful, that one-armed bandit, it's a money pit.

George, get in here. (MUSIC FADES)

This article opens the door to Hollywood. Your dad was a GI?

That's instant dual citizenship and a green card.

But I don't think I'm ready to come to Hollywood just yet.

Don't tell me you still wanna do your little TV comedy show?

If Ted Sargent hasn't blown a fuse at the news and cancelled it.

Have you seen this?

# She brings out the best in me

# Lights me up like a Christmas tree...

Oh dear god.

Is she actively trying to break me?

# It's headline news...

No. I think she's wonderful.

(SOFT MUSIC)

We're gonna need more fruit.

This iron's pretty heavy. (GRUNTS)

Oh, that got me right there.

Your tummy? In my baby maker.

Funny sound effect there.

Oh yeah.

Go on, a bit of jazz. The, uh, double base tights.

Lost a string.

(LAUGHTER) (MUSIC ENDS)

Right. Now all we need to do is finish the bloody thing.

Alright, Dennis. It's good.

Oh god, I'm so sorry, I've got to go.

What? Where?

Never ask a woman that. She might tell you.

Let me.

Thank you.

Oh, um, I read the article.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you. (GENTLE MUSIC)

Excuse me. Hello. Oh, hello.

I read the papers. I thought you were awfully brave to...

Oh, well, well thank you.

..tell your story your way

and not let the tabloids dictate the narrative.

I daresay I've made certain assumptions.

Look, I'm sorry it's all been so bloody.

I met Dennis when I was at university.

He was the second man I ever kissed, first I ever loved.

Just kids, really.

I understand. He's still your husband.

I want you to know,

I'm not making things difficult for the sake of it.

What is it that you want?

I...

I just want him to be happy.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello, Battersea Dogs Home.

(HOWLS & BARKS)

Yes, yes, yes, no, don't worry, I'll tell him.

Tone? Yeah, that was the hospital.

Apparently June's broken some water. Oh...

Right chaps, let's go. Yes, come on Tone. Come on Tony.

# Bobby Fuller Four: I Fought The Law #

Come on. Now. Come on.

Oh wait, I need, I need my, uh, my typing.

I forgot my camera. Bye Greta.

# A-breakin' rocks in the hot sun

# I fought the law and the law won

# I fought the law and the law won

We're having a baby! (CLAMOUR)

# I needed money 'cause I had none Suger, Tone, sugar.

# I fought the law and the law won Taxi!

Oh my god, Dennis! Dennis!

St Joseph's, Maternity Wing. What, are you delivering a baby?

And a television show.

I can't get out. Come on Tony.

Oh my god, Tony!

Alright, here we go. We're having a baby.

Alright, interior, day.

Barbara is in the kitchen. What if she really is having a baby?

What are you talking about? Barbara's not even pregnant!

I'm talking about June! Shush!

Shush, calm. Deep breaths now.

BOTH: What do we want, equal pay, when do we want it, yesterday.

What do we want? WOMEN Equal pay.

When do we want it? WOMEN: Now.

No, yesterday, we want it yesterday.

What do we want? Equal pay.

When do we want it? Yesterday.

Equal pay or we walk away.

NEWS: The advice avoiding Trafalgar Square, where a large number

of women are congregating to demonstrate.

# I fought the law and the law won

By the time we get to the hospital the baby will be in primary school!

CROWD: Equal pay or we walk away, equal pay or we walk away.

Oh, oh, oh stop here please.

What do we want? WOMEN: Equal pay.

When do we want it? Yesterday.

Tony, Tony, good luck.

Give that baby a big kiss from Auntie Sophie.

Get in, get in! Go, go.

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

(CHANTING CONTINUES) # I fought the law and the law won

# I fought the law and the law won

I didn't think you would make it.

Well, I had nowhere better to be.

Come on then, you ready? Yeah.

What do we want? Equal pay.

When do we want it? Yesterday.

Equal pay or we walk away! Equal pay or we walk away!

Equal pay, equal pay.

# I needed money 'cause I had none

# I fought the law and the law won (WHISTLE BLOWS)

# I fought the law and the law won

Right everyone, attention please.

Showing her support to the cause, the one and only,

from off the bloody telly, Sophie Straw!

(CHEERS & APPLAUSE)

Equal pay!

Over her Sophie.

Right, now, this march is about us standing together.

Yes, so raise your banners high.

And remember, this is a peaceful protests.

Yeah, we don't use our placards to clout anyone, alright?

I mean, unless they disagree with us. This geezer.

Let me take that.

No, get off, she was having a— It was a joke.

Here, mate, mate, come on. This is a peaceful protest, alright?

Alright?

Right, so, er... What do we want?

CROWD: Equal pay.

When do we want it? CROWD: Yesterday.

# We shall over— (COUGHS) Oh, you alright?

I think I've swallowed a fly. Oh.

# We shall overcome.

Come on, everyone, sing with me.

# We shall overcome,

# We shall overcome someday,

# Deep in my heart

# I do believe...

Yes, I've made stew. Stew for who? Stew for you?

Stew for me.So, this is the famous rehearsal room?

Your alternate universe.

Edith.

Are you alright? Has something happened?

Actually, it has, rather. I've been offered a job.

With the CBC, as an arts correspondent.

It's a wonderful opportunity.

The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation?

Yep. Isn't it a hoot?

Would you like some tea? Yes, please.

So, you're emigrating to Canada, with Vernon?

Canada, yes, Vernon, no.

It's rather as if I've woken from some sort of hallucination.

I'm so sorry, Dennis.

For which bit?

Sort of, all of it.

I've rather made a mess of things.

For Vernon Whitfield.

Well, I recall you telling me

that Vernon was an intellectual leviathan

that made you feel like Aphrodite.

Vernon is an absolute horse's cock.

I suppose I was flattered that he wanted to hear my opinions.

In fact, he just wanted to hear his opinions repeated back to him by me.

(KNOCKING)

Can I, er...?

So, go on then.

I'm assuming you've come all the way down here to read me the riot act

for what I said, which was the truth,

and was gonna come out anyways. No, no, I came here to thank you.

You see, I've been living under a cloud of shame since I left

you and, you know, George.

And I probably brought it on myself, but people can be very unkind.

Your words...

..they released me.

Sorry, I've got to get ready.

I just wanted to say that...

I just wanted to say I admire you, that's all.

You've done so much.

Yeah, maybe too much.

(GAGS)

Does perfume go off?

Urgh.

You alright?

What?

Nothing. I, uh...

Oh love.

I'm not gonna ask you who he is, but...

..does he know?

Nobody knows.

I thought it couldn't be true.

He's married.

And...

And the divorce is going to take three years.

And... I've ruined everything.

Including my career.

They'll sack me if they find out.

I thought it would be rather good to be as far away as possible

from my impossibly pious parents.

I can start again where no one knows me,

say goodbye to Mrs Mahindra,

and hello to plain old Edith Claybourne-Featherstone,

single girl. What do you think?

Edith...

..are you allowing me to divorce you?

You didn't start this war.

And that funny girl really loves you.

Listen, I know this is none of my business, but...

.times are very different now.

And if this isn't right for you, you do not have to go through with it.

I'll stand by you.

I will help you.

If you'll let me.

You love him, don't you?

Maybe you should tell him.

It's a tough road, and while I...

..wish I'd done things differently,

I don't regret it.

How could I regret having you?

(UPBEAT MUSIC) (CHATTER)

(MUSIC FADES, ENDS) (KNOCKING)

Dennis?

Oh, hiya. Hey Sophie.

Is it alright if we, er... if we do a line run?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, course. Course.

So, I say,

'Hiya, I've- I've come about the rented spare room.

I'd like to take a look, please.'

And then I say, 'How do you know about the spare room?

'Cause it hasn't been— hasn't been magasize— it hasn't.

It hasn't been advertised yet!'

Oh my god, shit, sorry Soph, I mean, I sound like—

I feel like I'm eating cake. Do I sound like I'm eating cake?

(KNOCKING) Or glue?Dennis?

Hey. Greta.

Yeah, just doing some lines.

Um... I was just hoping for a quiet word with—

Oh, OK, yes.

Me, me too. Um, Den, um...

Barbara? Oh Barbara! Sophie. Sorry, Barbara. Barbara, Barbara, Barbara.

(LAUGHS) I'm so sorry if I'm intruding, I just wanted to say

I read that article by your friend Diane.

Oh, Barbara, thank you for saying such lovely things.

I did my best.

You know, when you left, I felt like a bit of me went missing.

A kidney or a liver or something, I don't know, a gallstone, a spleen?

What is a spleen? I don't know what I'm saying.

I've been like a watering can ever since I read it!

Oh, come here you big dafty.

Right.

My only quibble with Diane's article was her description of my hat.

Right.

Now, the one I wore when she met me was my second-best hat,

but tonight—

Well, tonight, you look like the Queen.

Oh, Barbara, do I?

Yeah.

Dennis. Yes.

I wanted to- Flowers for Miss Straw

from a Mr Mark Allen in Los Angeles.

Barbara they're beautiful. I'll put them in the sink.

BILL: Wait, Tony. Oh hello.

Tony! And? I've got a little goddaughter!

(SQUEALS) Is there a name?

Yeah, we're gonna call her Bill. No, we're not, definitely.

Oh, congratulations Tone.

Dennis. Congratulations Tony.

(EXCITED CHATTER)

Dennis. I have something I need to tell you. I have...

I need to practice, I need to practice. It's just me here...

Ladies and gentlemen...

ALL: It's showtime!

# Wanda Jackson: Funnel of Love #

It's showtime.

# Here I go Falling down, down, down

# My mind is blank

# My head is spinning around and around

# As I go deep into the funnel of love

# It's such a crazy, crazy feeling...

Welcome to Flat Birds! (APPLAUSE)

Thank you for coming. Thank you.

(WOLF WHISTLE) Oh, I see the vicar's in.

(LAUGHTER) (MUSIC FADES, ENDS)

Anyway, this is a situation comedy.

It's a little bit about my life.

I tipped up here without a bob in my pocket or a plan in my head.

I just wanted to muck about and make people laugh.

And I was encouraged to do that by one man in particular,

who made me laugh every day.

Having you in my corner...

..it's all the dad I ever needed.

(GENTLE SOMBRE MUSIC)

Oh, enough said of that, or I'll smudge my mascara!

(LAUGHS) Right let's do this, shall we? Enjoy, everyone!

(APPLAUSE)

Alright, let's take it from the top, please.

Rolling to record. And good luck, studio.

Good luck studio.

Five, four, three...

Come on, Greta, you can do it.

Who puts pepper in a pancake? I do.

(SNEEZES) Oh, sorry. Here, give me that, I'm good at flipping.

Camera two next.

(SPLAT) BOTH: Oh, flipping heck.

(LAUGHTER) (KNOCKING)

It's the ruddy landlord! I'm not meant to have lodgers!

Hide!(KNOCKING)

(APPLAUSE)

Greetings, Marcia.

Here to do my customary check for underwear — wear and tear.

Now?

Yes. It's like a knicker museum! (LAUGHTER)

(SNEEZES) (GASPS)

There's someone else in the flat.

Now, you know the rules about gentleman callers.

I do hope that there's been no heavy petting.

Oh, no, Mr Travis, no, nothing like that.

I... I, uh, it's my mother.

Mother? (LAUGHTER)

I would very much like to meet your mother. Yes.

Your mother? What's wrong with your sister?

Oh, where do I start?

(LAUGHTER) Aftershave on the nob, tick.

She's Spanish, she doesn't speak a word of English, so she can't

talk to you, Mr Travis, I'm afraid. (LAUGHTER)

Hello, my duckie, alright my old China?

You're lovely.

Enchante, so beautiful.

Oh, don't kiss me, Mr Travis.

Why don't you give our Marcia a kiss?

She ain't had a kiss in years. (LAUGHTER)

Ow! Sorry, sorry.

Did Greta just slap Rodney in the face?

Oh my god. She's completely out of her depth.

You keep— is it —

That's the slap. Don't do that. OK.

Can we do it— Dennis, sorry, can we just do it one more time?

Alright, one more time, please. Steady on camera three.

She ain't had a kiss in years.

Oh, Mr Travis, you'll have to ignore my mother.

She's been on the sherry, so she's half cut.

Half cut? Well, maybe I could take you both dancing.

Mother can't, because of her— well, 'cause of her leg.

What's wrong with her leg? Well, it's—

She's dried. Oh shit.

What's wrong with her leg? Well...

Is this part of it?

Well... it's- it's haunted! She's got a haunted leg!

A haunted leg?

And now she's gone off script. A rank amateur.

Woo! (LAUGHTER)

Soph's pulled a haunted leg out of the bag.Oh.

(LAUGHTER) I'm going,

I'll be back to do gussets, I mean fittings.

And to think for a moment, I thought you had an illegal lodger.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, shame, I never did get that pancake.

(SPLAT) (OOHS AND LAUGHTER)

Sugar! Lemon! Here ya go.

(LAUGHTER)

Out you get Mr Travis. Else that ghost will get ya.

Bye Mr Travis. (APPLAUSE)

You were so good.

Alright, let's set up for the next scene, please.

Alright. What was that? OK now, oh, do you want to go?

I'm just— I'm gonna need a second, I'm just gonna need a second.

What's happening? Where's- where's she gone?

Hm?

Greta, are you alright?

I can't do this, I'm letting you down. I'm not an actor.

No, no, no, no, you're not letting me down.

You don't have to be anyone else, just be you. You're brilliant.

I'm not. Everyone's thinking, 'Why is she giving this barmaid a part?

What are you doing here?'

I dunno, I just thought I'd be better.

Are you OK?

Oh yeah, I just think that aftershave is—

Ladies and gentlemen, if you just give us a moment,

we will resume filming shortly. Thank you.

(CROWD MUTTERING)

Do you feel sick again?

Soph?

Are you—

Oh god... OK, that's OK. That's OK.

I won't tell anyone, I promise.

Let's go out there, we'll do the show, we'll—

Knockers and gnashers, baby.

We'll do the show, it's gonna be all fine, everything's gonna be fine.

Yeah, we'll do it together. We'll do it together.Come on.OK.

(APPLAUSE)

So, what was that all about, hm?

About five minutes of buttock-clenching agony.

Cue the music, please.

# Summer Cha Cha #

(LAUGHTER)

(DRUM ROLL)

(CYMBAL CRASH)

(DRUM ROLL, CRASH)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(TRUMPETS FLARE)

Ow!

(GRUMBLING)

(CHA CHA MUSIC CONTINUES)

(LAUGHTER)

(MUSIC SWELLS, ENDS)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(LIGHT, UPBEAT MUSIC)

Rather good.

(MUSIC FADES, ENDS)

I think we can call that a flat-out success.

Ted. Congratulations.

It really could not have gone any better.

Possibly the biggest success of my career, and yours.

I think we should get stuck into the series straight away.

It's a winning formula.

I'm, oh, I'm alright, thanks, Ted.

I thought you were teetotal. Mm.

(COUGHS) Well, special occasion.

You know, when I took this job on,

I did imagine many such champagne moments.(KNOCKING)

Sadly they've been few and far between.

Um...

..two things. Firstly, well played for tonight.

You were— you were amazing. (LOW, GENTLE MUSIC)

(LAUGHS) Thank you.

And secondly...

..Edith has agreed to the divorce.

(HICCUPS) (MUSIC FADES, ENDS)

Ted.

Mm.

Ah. Well, (CLEARS THROAT) I will leave you to it.

That's so great about Edith, but... Den, um...

Sophie?

I'm having a baby.

We're having a baby.

(LOW GENTLE MUSIC)

We're having a baby?

We're having a baby.

No, you're not. You cannot have a baby.

Corporate regulations forbid any unmarried expectant woman

to appear on television.

Oh no, wait a moment. (KNOCKING)

Bill! Shh! Baby Bill is sleeping.

Oh!

(LOW CHATTER)

Everyone. Shh!

Some congratulations are in order.

Firstly, a hit show.

(QUIET CELEBRATIONS)

Secondly, to the very-soon-to-be-married

Mr and Mrs Mahindra. (GASPS/CROSS TALK)

Are you joking? (EXCITED CHATTER)

And also one more thing, one more thing.

Their unexpected, but very welcome, new arrival.

What? Oh!

Oh, Soph!

(HUSHED EXCITED CHATTER)

Dennis the daddy?

Dennis, Dennis how soon do you think you can tie the knot?

I can get Eunice to sort out a registrar,

but we should probably do it soon.

No, no, no. Everyone, everyone, everyone, stop, stop, stop!

Dennis, I really love you.

But it should be our decision.

We shouldn't be Mr and Mrs anybody just to keep a corporation happy.

Well, in that case, I'm sorry to say...

..we will be doing the show without you.

Oh, come on, mate, what!? You can't do that.

Can they?

Flat Birds was Sophie's idea.

And Bill, and the other one.

You're shitting me! She wrote it with us, Ted.

Actual words, funny lines, her voice is all over it.

Yeah, she's the heart and soul.

Ted, we're onto a winning formula. You said it.

Imagine how great it would feel

to be part of a ground-breaking female sitcom about pregnancy,

and single mums, and friends like Greta,

and Diane, Marj, Bill, Tony, and all of us who don't fit the mould.

A show that one day people can look back on and say,

'That show changed my life.'

# Nina Simone: Sinnerman #

You want me to bend the rules?

# Oh, sinnerman, where you gonna run to?

# Sinnerman, where you gonna run to?

No, I want you to break them.

# Where you gonna run to?

# All on that day

# I cried power

# Power

# Power (power Lord)

# Power (power Lord)

# Power (power Lord)

# Power (power Lord)

# Power (power Lord)

# Power (power Lord)

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