Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language.

# RITA PAVONE: Il Geghege

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SIREN APPROACHES)

(GUNSHOT)

(SONG CONTINUES)

I'm feeling rather disappointed.

Miss Straw persuaded me, against my better judgement,

to bring you, Mr Gardiner, and um...

(STAMMERS) Tony Holmes.

Back to Television Centre, and let her into the writing room.

It has clearly proved a distraction.

This experiment has not worked.

We've got loads of great ideas. Yeah.Show him the cards, Tone.

Er... Alright, well...

No, no, the other card. Ah.

Mm.

This little holiday is over.

You have no concept, no script, and currently no Sophie Straw.

If you do not deliver a show ready for air by the 30th,

I will pull the entire project from the schedule.

And where the hell is she, anyway?

(LAUGHTER, CHATTER)

Kir royale?

It'd be rude not to.

Bottoms up.

Pardon? It means...

well, something about... (CLEARS THROAT) ..bottoms.

But it doesn't really travel.

You're a fascinating woman, Sophie.

I hope you will remember the making of this film...

as a time of...

intellectual stimulation.

(SIGHS) Most of the time I've just been...

pouting and saying, 'Non.'

The way you said it - perfection.

I'm getting all hot and bothered.

Would you like to go outside?

You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met.

You're well above average.

Oh, you're doing that look from scene 39.

Are you acting, or...?

(SOFTLY) Crikey.

Oh.

Your body is here...

..but your heart is across La Manche, with someone else.

Am I right...

Sophie Straw?

There is no-one at home.

I'll show you where my heart is.

These movie stars are always late, aren't they?

Marilyn Monroe wouldn't turn up till the end of the week,

and I read Marlon Brando does turn up, but on a different planet.

Well, maybe Mademoiselle Straw is never coming back.

You seen this one? 'Ooh la la! Could Jean-Paul be Solo no longer?'

Mine went with, 'Can-can it be love?'

Shit, Den's coming. Hide the papers.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Morning, chaps. Morning.Good morning.

Not the bin, that's the first place he'll look!

Den doesn't go through bins. He's not you.What's that?

Verrucas.

Uh... Are they funny?

Yeah, er... For the swimming pool ep.

Oh.

(SINGSONGY) I'm back! Ah.

Hey! Bonjour.

Bonjour, mes amies. Oh.

(BOTTLE CLINKS)

Dennis. Welcome back.

Thank you.

So, who'd like presents, then?

Ooh!Ooh! Presents?

For Tony and June, I got...

Camembert cheese. Ooh! Oh, God!

And for Bill... Yes?

Oh.

Is it a shit in a bag? It's snails.

They're a delicacy. Hm.

And for Dennis...

..a pair of his-and-hers cognac glasses.

Um... Thank you.

Uh... The boys have made progress.

Yeah, while YOU were on holiday.

I was working! Well, you'll like this one.

Barbara fancies the lifeguard at the local pool.But she can't swim.

So she has to take these lessons with these snotty kids.

I'm not spending the whole episode in a swimming cossie.

We were thinking wetsuit, snorkel and flippers.Mm.

Yeah, that's funny. But, lads...

I don't think they'll let us build a swimming pool in Studio Five.

Alright, fair point, that's one of Tony's ideas, really.Cheers, Bill.

Well, maybe the uh...next one.

Barbs has got a crush on a football fan.

Yeah, she really wants to impress him with what she knows,

but she can't remember the rules for offside.

A player is offside if, when the ball is passed,

he's closer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball

and the second-to-last opposing player.

Hm.

Well, yeah, that.My dad gave me a proper Blackpool education.

(GRUNTS) (NOISY CLATTERING) (CLEARS THROAT)

Another one of Tony's. Yeah.

Cos Bill's too busy with his 'book'...and his 'agent'...

to give us ideas.Why are you doing inverted comma fingers?

I have got a 'book' and an 'agent.'

I am having a baby, which fills my head up quite a lot, actually.

You know, it doesn't stop me from bringing ideas.

Lads. (CLEARS THROAT)

You know I love your stuff.

I'm not saying it's not working. It's just... (EXHALES)

..it just feels like everything Barbara's doing

is because she's chasing a fella.

It was the same with Lanagan and Curry.Hey, no!Shut up!

No. No. Fuck off!Lanagan and Curry?

I'm just saying that I think we need to, you know, find some...

modern, original, fresh ideas, and it's not just about chasing trouser.

# CILLA BLACK: A Man And A Woman (Un Homme Et Une Femme)

(BLOWS MELODY OF 'A MAN AND A WOMAN (UN HOMME ET UNE FEMME)' ON WHISTLE)

(VOCALS IN FRENCH)

Hiya.

Hmm.

What? We're only popping downstairs to have our tea.

Sorry. Dinner.

First, a small, informal party. Oh.

(GASPS) Ooh.

Can I choose...all of them?

I think this one.

(CHUCKLES)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING) Wow.

Who's this party for, then?

You...

and a few of my friends. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

The cream of the movie business is here to meet you.

Hollywood beckons, baby!

Hey, good to see you. Yeah, yeah. Hi.

Barbara and her boyfriend, Keith, are in the laundrette...

as they watch their washing go round and round.

I wish we could change the channel.

One good win on the horses, and I'll buy a washing machine.

And a telly.

And you can buy some more new white shirts.

Why?

Cos you left your red undercrackers in that wash.

(CHUCKLES) There's my line.

Feel free to blow your own trumpet. Uh...

Are you having a go? No, no, no.

It's... It's not bad. Not bad?

(SCOFFS) Can we just... Can we just get on with the next scene?

Den, mate, come on, it's...it's late! You know, I'm not peak energy.

It's bound to sound shit when it's Tony saying it!

Why are you picking on Tony now? No, no, fair enough.

How's the book going, mate? You know how the book's going, mate.

Bill won't be revolutionising the literary world

any time soon, put it that way. Oh.

One minute it's a work of dark, blistering brilliance, and the next it's a libel case waiting to happen.

Boo-hoo.It's probably a bit too mucky to publish, isn't it, Bill?

Mucky? You can talk. What do you mean?

I've seen you in the papers sucking face with Jean-Paul.Look, can we just -Look, enough! Enough!

See, comedy, it's like maths.

And one part of this equation is completely wrong. Sophie.

You what? I mean, it's the character.

It's not quite right for you.

When Sophie is in full flow, she has us all in the palm of her hands,

and we're just not getting that now.

And it's not your fault, Sophie. Oh, well, thanks for that, Dennis.

Yeah, obviously it's the writers' fault.No. This is my fault.

I should never have let it get this far.

I've been distracted.

And I apologise.

We have all the right ingredients.

But Just Barbara, it's the wrong recipe.

But apart from the central idea of the show being fatally flawed,

we're golden, are we?

MARJ: See, it's only the women who are starkers.

And I bet you any money that's the geezer who made my granddad

go over the top at the Somme.

Don't be rude about Pandora's objets d'art.

What brings you here, then, Marj?

So um... (CLEARS THROAT)

..can you come to the demo?

It's tricky.

I would, but my Agent wants me to stay apolitical.

A political what, chicken?

Marj, can't we just have a nice drinkie and a natter?

Fair do's, yeah.

So, go on. How was your... petit French adventure?

(LAUGHS) Well, I didn't get to do much acting.

Mostly, I was just sat there being primped and preened

like a prize poodle - three people just for my hair.

And I had to do loads of press,

but all the papers wanted to ask me about was Jean-Paul Solo.Oh!

God, what a drag, man!

And now I'm back on Just Barbara. I mean...

it's so difficult. Oh, I know.

At least you understand, Marj. I do.

I mean, I am trying to get the British bosses

to stop paying women poverty rates, but you...

you are the one who's really suffering,

what with your showbiz shindigs and whatnot!

Well, this is a fun cocktail hour.

Bunking in a flat that looks like the inside of Princess Margaret's head,

and, oh, working on a comedy show!

Oh, no, wait, that was your dream, remember?

Oh, you should serve some fish with them chips on your shoulder.

Coming from the professional Northerner with a stick of rock up her arse.

You and your placards. 'What do we want?

Marj to shut her big old gob.

When do we want it? Now.' Do you know what?

It's no wonder people admire your arse so much,

seeing as you can speak out of it. Oh, do they?

One of my many talents.

(SINGS WITH COCKNEY ACCENT) Maybe it's because you're a Londoner.

Oh, I can't do any m... Oh, my God!

What is that?!Oh, it's just Samantha. I told you about her.

Just don't be so dramatic! Oh, sorry. No, sorry,

I didn't realise there were two snakes living in this flat.

Oh, you don't want me on this march. You just want a celebrity.

Argh, I'm done. I am done.Well, I haven't finished talking to you.

Well, I've finished listening to you!

Well, give me that coat back, because it's mine!

Well, you left it there, so I thought you didn't want it!

No, I do want it, actually, and it's mine anyway! (SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

Cocking hell, what have you done?!

Was that expensive?Uh... Marj, this is not like your flat.

Everything in here is expensive! Give it a...

OK, well, well, where do we get another one - outer space?

I don't know!

But I know someone who might.

# I wonder if one day that

# You'll say that you care

# If you say you love me madly I'll gladly be there...

(BELL RINGS) DRIVER: Next stop, Portobello Road.

Right, this is us.

# I wonder if one day that

# You'll say that you care

# If you say you love me madly I'll gladly be there

# Like a puppet on a string...

We should look a bit more upmarket.

This is what we need. # Like a puppet on a...

# String #

(NEARBY CHATTER) Just, careful. I am being... Well, put it down.

Cost me an arm and a leg. Yeah, I know.

Just...As if you haven't sodding stopped crying about...

You know, it was expensive, so... Yeah, I know. You have said.

(SIGHS)

There you go, my darling.

What's up with your mates, then?

They having a 'who can be most miserable' competition or what?

Actually, they've got a condition.

They're both big babies.

The blonde one - Oh, no, she just looks like her.

Look, if...if it was my fault...

then you can tell her that I will pay her back my share

at a shilling a week... for the rest of my life.

Diane, can you please tell the person sitting opposite me

that I have paid for the lamp in full, and that's that?

Even though it cost about as much as a bungalow.

Oh, my God, did the movie star have to pay for something

out of her own pocket - didn't get it for free? Oh!

I can't do anything right. WOMAN: Greta!

Greta! You're on.

What? No, I was on last night. Where's the stripper?

Couldn't get a babysitter.

(GROANS)

Oh, don't mind me. Pearls before swine.

Yeah, too late now. You don't deserve me.

Are you ready for this? (COUGHS NOISILY)

Right, let's do it.

(SINGS BADLY) You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy when skies are blue.

You never know, dear... (GROANING)

At least if you boo me off, I can go for my fag break.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Come off it, come off it.

Listen, I wasn't gonna say anything.

But I think I will. Sophie Straw is here, ladies and gentlemen.

She's a real singer! Let's get her up for a song.

Come on! Come on, Soph, give us a song! Up you come.

Ah, you're alright, I'm OK. Thank you.Oh.

Too grand. No, I'd do it for two grand.

(LAUGHTER) There you go.Or um...

Or three packets of cheese and onion.

That we can do, that we can do!

Ooh! One, two...

Oh, there you go!

If you'd said four, you would've put us out of business!(LAUGHTER)

Alright, I'll do one. Ooh, fab.(CHEERING)

You Are My Sunshine - they love it here.I know that one.

BOTH: You are my...

SOPHIE: (OFF-KEY) ..sunshine! (LAUGHTER)

Cheeky sod, she's had me!

I thought that was the way to do it.

How dare you! (GRUNTS) Um...

Let's do it properly. OK.

BOTH: (SINGING) ..my only sunshine.

You make me happy... Ooh!

Woo! (SINGS) When skies are grey.

Jeez, it's like being at the Palladium!

BOTH: You'll never know, dear...

how much I love you. The moves, ladies and gentlemen!

Please don't take my sunshine... Oh, my God, I need a priest!

BOTH: ..away.

ALL: Please don't take...

my sunshine away.

(APPLAUSE) Sophie blooming Straw!

(SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE) Oh, my God.

So, I was thinking, maybe... come up and help me.

Come on. They don't want...

Come on, you two. (EVERYONE SINGING 'JOSHUA')

Up you get.

I'm really sorry.

No, no, no, no. Listen, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorrier. I didn't mean what I said. I just -

You're just sorry. I just got to a point...

ALL: (SINGING) Yes, by gosh, you are,

Josh-u-osh-u-ah!

The show's gonna be about Barbara and her friend, who is a woman.

So, two women? Uh...

A woman and another woman?

Yeah, and it's not Just Barbara. It's Barbara Plus...someone.

And it's going to be about work, and adventures, and friendship,

and pants, and all of the things that girls do when men aren't looking.

And yes, there can be dates, and relationships,

but it's not all about trying to impress blokes.

So, who's the friend character? Um...

Someone that's not as giddy as Barbara,

a little more down to earth, and not afraid to tell her

when she's getting too big for her kinky boots.

But who's the straight one?Why does there have to be a straight one?

Just checking, um...this means...

you want us to flush weeks of solid work down the crapper?

Yeah, right before studio? Chaps.

I knew he would take her side.

When he starts with 'chaps', he's already made up his mind.

Let's try it. (SQUEALS)Ugh.Oh, my...

You won't have to junk everything.

You'll have to junk everything. (GRUNTS)

Weeks of my life...

..gone!

How about a British sitcom about two women?

I mean, we're half the population, and who's writing that show?

Not Johnny Speight, I don't think.

Or Galton and Simpson.

We could be the first.

Well, it's a blatant appeal to our egos.

Well, she's not stupid. But, Soph, mate, who we gonna cast?

Well, I do have someone in mind.

Hey! Ah, Greta.Yes.

Greta. Hey.

I'm Dennis Mahindra, I'm the Director.

Nice.Um... I'm not familiar with your work.

Have I seen you somewhere before? The Rose & Crown?

Um... Or my uncle's market stall on a Saturday morning,

where I do a lot of my best work.

Right. Right.

Um... Why don't you come on through?

We could maybe read a page or two from the script.Oh, yes, mm-hm.

So, can you read from there?

(CLEARS THROAT) In your own time.

Read? Not much call for reading in the East End.

Um... Anyway, OK.

Hello...Baba...

Baba...

Hello, Baba...

Barbara.

What a mag...magni...

magnifi - Magnificent.

What a...magnificent dress.

Is it shellfish...selfish...

Is it from Selfridge?

Thank you, Greta. Um...

Sophie, could I have a word?

We only learn to read the words we use.

Rickets, eels...

polio! Um... She... She...

has some presence.

Certainly some potential there. (LAUGHS)

I'm just not sure how this is going to work on a technical level.

Hello, Barbara, what a magnificent dress. Is it from Selfridges?

So, Barbara, you admit to taking the dress from the lost property at the bus station?

(LAUGHTER) Can I read?!Oh...

Well, yeah, we like this one, Den.

Yeah, can we keep her? Please can we keep her?

GRETA: Huh? Yes.

Yes. But just not today. I've gotta get back to the boozer.

Busy lunchtime - the strippers are in. But yeah!

Well done, Greta!

# The warmth of your love

# Is like the warmth of the sun

# And this will be our year

# Took a long time to come

# Don't let go of my hand

# Now darkness has gone

# This will be our year

# Took a long time to come

# And I won't forget The way you held me up

# When I was down

# And I won't forget the way you said 'Darling, I love you'

You gave me faith to go on

# Now we're there And we've only just begun... #

I like 'Luck Be Two Ladies'.

Is Luckby in London?Exactly, that's why it's a shit idea.

It's good, it should hint at where they live.Maisonettes Of Mayhem.

Oh, my God. (GASPS) House Of Hairspray.

Barbara's Bedsit. No, it should um...

It needs to include both us girls. Yes, exactly.

Two Funny Fannys! Ugh.Oh, sorry.

You should never have 'funny' in the title.

It's just asking for a kicking. Mm.

Right, come on, we've got...

They're girls. They're women.

They're birds.

(GASPS) Dolly Birds.

Oh, Bird Bath. Tony!

What kind of show is that? Come on, they live in a flat.

It's called Flat Birds!

Flat Birds.

(SOFTLY) Flat Birds.

That's really good.

Yeah.

(LAUGHS) I love it.

Oh, my hat. So, what...Oh.

Er... (CLEARS THROAT) Come on, Bill. We're this way.

What? Night-night.

See you tomorrow. Lots to do.

Yeah, cheers for that, Flat Bird. (LAUGHS)

Edith'll be wondering where you are.

It's fine, Dennis, I know.

I saw you together after Pipe Smoke.

See you tomorrow.

Good day's work.

Bye. DRIVER: Evening.(TAXI DOOR CLOSES)

(ENGINE STARTS)

(TAXI DEPARTS)

(FAINT MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)

Can I help? (LAUGHS) No, no, no.

I'm cooking tonight, before my late shift.Ooh.

And I thought...let's have Italian.

(CHUCKLES) Ah, lovely. I know all about pasta.

Oh, yeah? I've had it twice.Oh, yeah!

Didn't normally look like that, though.

Where'd you get this? I picked it up in Soho.

Blimey. What were you doing down there?

Oh, the boss sent me - on an errand, you know?

What? Nothing.

Do you normally go to this much trouble for your um...

you know. My girlfriend?(LAUGHS)

No. Then again, I've never met a Marj before.

Oh, right. So, what's a Marj? I dunno.

About 5'2", lovely.

I am 5'4"! (CHUCKLES)

Do you mind? What you doing? Just checking you're real.

Hang on, wait.

Let me see if...this works. What are you...?

No, no, no, I just wanna see if it works. Trust me.

I... (CHUCKLES)

It's what we call in the trade a kissing step.

Oh, OK, a kissing step. Yeah, oh. Mm.

Yeah, works.It works? Oh! Yeah, good job. Brilliant.

That's good to know. (CHUCKLES)

Fancy a nightcap at mine?

We could have some late-night ideas for the show.

I'm out of whisky, but June has got some pear liqueur from Christmas...

1957. Hmm.

Yeah, well I'd love to, Tone, but I'm cream crackered.

I need my beauty sleep.

Oh.

See you, then.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Dennis!

Hello...again.

Um... Sorry, I know it's late.

But um...I just...

..wanted to let you know that...

..I'm not with Edith.

And I...I never will be.

And I know that things are...

..different between us.

And...

I should probably move on too.

But I just wanted to say...

..good night.

Dennis.

I didn't sleep with Jean-Paul Solo.

I couldn't.

Because I still had a headful of someone else.

('I WILL WAIT' BY THE FOUR BUDDIES PLAYS FAINTLY)

# CREAM: Sunshine Of Your Love

# It's getting near dawn

# When lights close their tired eyes

# I'll soon be with you, my love

# Give you my dawn surprise

I'll be with you, darling, soon

# I'll be with you When the stars start falling...

Evening. Evening.

Nice night for it.

Isn't it?

# To be where I'm going

# In the sunshine of your love...

Got one! Dirty pervert.

Fucking Christ!

Bastard pigs!

You're under arrest.

You're not obliged to say anything, but anything you do say

will be taken down and may be given in evidence.Your trousers?

(GRUNTS)

# I've been waiting so long

# To be where I'm going

# In the sunshine of your love... #

(BIRDSONG)

(WHISPERS) You alright?

(WHISPERS) Yes.

Are you?

Mm.

(SOFTLY) I thought that if we did this,

it might go away.

(WHISPERS) Well...

it hasn't.

Do we have to still wait three years?

What happens now?

(WHISPERS) I'll see you in the rehearsal room.

Just for inspiration. Morning.

Apparently, fondue sets are last year's groove.

Oh, no. Just when I bought 'em for all my friends.

You...are wearing yesterday's shirt.

Where's Bill?He's always late on days that have a Y in it.

Morning.

And here she is arriving at a slightly different time to Dennis.

Dennis. Morning.

Where's Bill?

Oh, the telekinetic link between us must be playing up.

I haven't the foggiest.

Morning, everyone. Morning.

Where's your mate?

Oh, I give up.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, that'll be Ted wanting to know how we're getting on.Oh.

Sensationally. Great concept.

Amazing actresses, incredible writers.Oh!Hello? Yeah.

Ooh, what time do they get here? (LAUGHTER)Easy.

(CLEARS THROAT) Feel free to tell us...

what happened with you two last night, if you like.

Or not.

Oh, righty ho.

What did he say?

Uh, that wasn't Ted.

It was Bill.

Oh, what, has he fallen asleep on a bus again, has he?

Wh-Where is he, Den?

Vine Street Police Station.

Fucking hell!

(GASPS) I have told him again and again!

I know, Tony. Fuck! Sorry.

It's OK. Heard worse at Holy Communion. So, what's happened?

Look, he needs a lawyer. I don't suppose he has one?

Bill? A lawyer? Of course he doesn't have a lawyer.

He doesn't even have curtains. I need to make a call.

'Stop taking risks,' I said! 'It's Russian roulette.'

He's not just shot himself in the knackers,

he's shot me in the knackers as well! It is over!

It's not over. It is!

(DIALS PHONE) His career and mine.

Fucking hell.

Hi, it's Sophie.

I need to ask a favour.

Bill.

I'm your lawyer, Pandora.

(DOOR CLOSES) Sophie's mate?

Yeah, Soph called, so I whizzed back from Scotland.

Oh, so I've spoilt your holiday on top of everything else.

Oh, God, no, no. I've already shot three grouse, filleted a fisherman,

drove the bloody Land Rover into a loch, so... (LAUGHS)

..I've pretty much done the Highlands for this season.

I see you've had a bit of a run-in.

(SLOWLY) Yes, trying to escape arrest, I tripped and hurt myself.

That's what they'll say, isn't it? Doubtless, slippy bastards.

Look, I'm not saying it isn't a cushy gaff I've got here,

but if you could get me out, that would be even better.

Yes, they don't want to give you bail.

They think you're going to do a runner.

What, in these trousers?

So, we're trying to get you in front of a judge as soon as possible.

Now, is there anyone else you'd like me to contact? Your family, or...?

Oh, your parents don't know you're...?Alive?

No.

I'm going to do my damnedest to get your case heard quickly.Hm.

Smashing. I'll get to prison much faster, then.

Yeah. I'm going to pull every string I've got.

(WHISPERS) And that's quite a lot of strings.

Pandora?

There is something else.

MARJ: Here's your bleeding socks and your stupid pasta!

Wait, please! Oh, and here's your step, which...

it's a rubbish step, anyway, actually.

No real carpenter would get away with that kind of shoddy work.

Actually, can you just clear off before I call the police?

(LAUGHS) Oh, no, wait, sorry. Sorry, you are the police.

I'm so sorry, Marj. I thought you'd stop seeing me if you knew I was a cop!

They beat him up -

badly - and you didn't step in.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

I'm so sorry!

Look, you're right.

I should've helped. I should've stepped in.

But I wasn't brave enough.

Look, the first time I came home in blue, my mum cried.

She was so proud.

And I thought by joining that...

maybe I could make a difference or something.

Yeah, well, it's a good...good job I didn't see you in that uniform,

cos I bet you looked a right tit in that helmet.

If you'd have just told me the truth, then...

I'm keeping this stupid step, anyway,

just for high shelves and that.

(WHIMPERS)

(ORCHESTRAL VERSION OF 'TEA FOR TWO' PLAYS)

You not dancing?

Oh, no, I'm not dancing - two left feet, me.

I'm just gasping for a cuppa.

Oh, I think we can squeeze one more out of this.Thanks.

Milk? Yes, please.

Have you come far? You're not from around here.

Oh, no, I'm not. I'm just looking for family.

Oh, you've got family in Morecambe? Oh, no.

Not me. Sophie's. Sophie Straw?

I'm a friend of hers, and I heard her mum works here,

so I thought I'd pop in and say hello.

Wait, you're not Gloria, are you?

Oh, yes, I can see the likeness.

You must get that a lot.

I don't broadcast it. Sorry, I didn't catch your name.Oh.

I'm Lynda. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

It is very complicated, isn't it? Family.

Especially yours.

Must've been so difficult keeping a secret like that for so long.

Who are you? What do you want? I'm a friend of Sophie's.

Well, if you're from the press, I've got nothing to say.

And there are tables need clearing.

You can ring me if you change your mind.

Might be a relief - to get it off your chest after all these years.

We will be running the story about your famous daughter,

with or without your help.

Not that we want to put you under any pressure...

..but we need to finish the script.

He's in good hands.

So what?

He's still gonna go to jail.

No.

I can't be funny, not now.

And don't say I wasn't funny anyway.

Really? It was an open goal.

I can hardly breathe, let alone put words down.

(DOOR OPENS)

We need some fucking ideas.

Ray and Alan would've spunked out an episode by lunchtime.

Is it lunchtime yet? Dennis...

..fetch me a fish paste sarnie.

These two birds, then.

What they gonna do today? Put on makeup?

Make a tea? Oh, that's exciting.

Cheers, Bill.

OK.

What if it's funny foods?

Um... Saveloys.

Pancakes!

It's Pancake Day.

And the girls have a right old ding-dong

about the right way to cook 'em.

Well, we put 'em together.

So, one of 'em wants to get dolled up and go out,

and the other one wants to make pancakes.Yeah.

So they have to get dolled up... AND make pancakes at the same time.

Yeah. This is good.And th...

BOTH: Shh! We're working.

Yeah. Alright.

Now you're back, I'll pack my bags - get out of your horse-hair wig.

No, no, no. Stay as long as you like.

Never seen the place looking so tidy.

Didn't you have a single orgy? (RUNS FINGER ALONG PIANO KEYS)No!

No, goodness, no. Um...

No, I best get back to Marj's.

The more shoulders she has to cry on, the better.

Poor thing. That's odd.

This looks like an original.

I swear the one I bought was some old cheap toss from Portobello.

(SIGHS SOFTLY) (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

So, what happens with Bill now?

Well, I've managed to get the trial set for Monday.

And what are his chances?

Not remotely tremendous.

There's talk of the law changing, but we're not there yet.

Best hope is for a lenient judge.

There's not many of those to the pound.I feel so powerless.

Yes, that's because all the power in Britain is with a bunch of posh boys

who went to school in top hats and dry-humped themselves to sleep.

Yes, I'm rather running out of strings to pull,

so if you do have any chums in high places,

now would be the time to call.

TED: Absolutely not! (SOPHIE SIGHS)

Miss Straw... (EXHALES)

..the peccadilloes of Bill Gardiner are of no personal interest to me.

But he is charged with a crime,

and I cannot, and I will not, have this corporation,

or any of its most prominent talent, anywhere near it.

(INHALES) You are to stay as far away from this as you can.

Now, that is not advice. That is an instruction.

I see.

Sophie, I am trying to protect you.

The question is will you listen to me?

Don't I always?

Oh, by the way, the show has changed.

It's about two women, and it's called Flat Birds.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)Oh, it's those blooming newspapers again.

Oh, don't go giving them your opinion, Marie.

It only encourages them.

How many times do I have to...

Oh.

Well...

Well, you've got some nerve.

What do you want?

Marie, can I come in?Anything you've got to say, you can say out here.

Really, I can't.

PRESENTER: Is it Oxford Circus? No, it's a media circus, all for...

Oh, here she is - Sophie Straw arriving to take the stand

in the trial of Writer Bill Gardiner.

BARRISTER: Mr Gardiner is a deviant.

Therefore a significant custodial sentence must be imposed.

We have to consider the safety of innocent citizens.

Miss Erskine-Aubigny, do you want to reply?

Your Honour, we do not agree

that a custodial sentence is appropriate in this case.

My client has professional obligations

of an extremely pressing nature.

(SCOFFS)To explain more, I call Barbara Parker...

more widely known as Sophie Straw.

(MUTTERING)

Don't play the room, Sophie. No, don't, I mean it.

The Judge won't take kindly if we push him.

Your...Worship.

Honour. Honour.

Your Honour.

I have known Mr Gardiner for quite some time,

and I consider him a very close personal friend.

I can say that he is very sorry,

and he will not reoffend.

I can say that, and you might let him off.

But in saying that...

I'd be leaving out who, and what,

Bill Gardiner truly is.

Your Honour -Sophie, no. And what Bill is...

That's enough...is the funny, talented person who co-wrote

the exploding bathroom scene in Jim And Barbara.

He's brave, passionate, clever,

scratchy, downright stubborn,

and his favourite food...

is crisp sarnie and saveloy. Your Honour.

Keep to the point, please, Miss Straw!But right now, though...

you're all here to pass judgement on this man

because of who he likes to cuddle.

Which is, quite honestly, nobody's business.

The court has now heard the arguments.

I mean, I'm sure none of you lot would like people poking about

in your bedrooms, rifling through your knicker drawer.Your Honour!

Miss Straw makes a valid point about personal freedom and hypocrisy...

Your Honour.Now, the law is going to change soon, and we all know that.

And all I'm saying is I reckon you lot,

if you don't get a grip sharpish,

you're going to end up on the wrong side of history.Sophie -Miss Straw!

(GASPS)

This is a court, Miss Straw, not Speakers' Corner.

In conclusion...

..I beg you to please look up at this man and...

and really see him.

He might act like he doesn't give a tuppenny bit,

but he is loving, he is loyal,

and he is beautiful.

Bill hasn't hurt anyone,

but he is the one who is being broken.

Sophie. Sophie.

Yeah.

And-And that's all I have to say.

Beg your pardon, Your Wigship.

(MURMURING)

No jail time! Wahey!Yes!

Just a £50 fine.What an insult. I'm worth so much more.

(LAUGHTER) Oh, here she is. To Pandora.

To Sophie! To Bill!To everyone.Well done.

At least now I know how my book's gonna end.We deserve a drink.Yes!

Let's get the hell out of here before the Judge comes back and arrests us all for loitering.Yeah!

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Hang on, hang on, I'm coming.

(SIGHS) Who's forgotten their keys?

We need to have a chat, love. The three of us.

# DUSTY SPRINGFIELD: Won't Be Long

# Baby, here I am

# A-by the railroad track

# Oh, waitin' for my baby

# He's a-comin' back

# A-comin' back to me

# On 5:03, yeah

# And it won't be long

# No, no, it won't a-be long

# I get so lonesome Since he's been gone

# There ain't a thing Worth mentioning

# No, a-been goin' on

# And that's a-why I know... #

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